The Diary of a CEO4 Moments On The Diary Of A CEO That Changed My Life | E175
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
90 min read · 18,461 words- 0:00 – 0:35
intro
- SBSteven Bartlett
Since starting the Diary of a CEO, one of the most popular questions I get asked is, "What are your favorite episodes? And what are your favorite guests?" Now, I don't think about it in terms of that. I think about moments and insights. So, in this episode, we're gonna do something a little bit different. I'm gonna show you four moments from the Diary of a CEO that genuinely changed my life and changed how I think about one of my core beliefs, that I then actioned that made my life better. (instrumental music)
- 0:35 – 13:21
Mo Gawdat - Retrain Your Brain
- SBSteven Bartlett
The other thing that you mention in your, in your book, That Little Voice in Your Head, is this concept of neuroplasticity.
- MGMo Gawdat
Oh, yes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And it says it on the back of the book, it says, um, "Retrain your brain for maximum happiness." This concept that we can retrain our brain physiologically seems like nonsense. You know, I can't change my arm. So, I, when someone, you know, asserts that you can f- f- f- actually-
- MGMo Gawdat
You, you-
- SBSteven Bartlett
... change your brain.
- MGMo Gawdat
You can change your arm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I can change my arm?
- MGMo Gawdat
Of course.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What, tattoo?
- MGMo Gawdat
Y- y- no, you work out.
- SBSteven Bartlett
That's true.
- MGMo Gawdat
When you work out, you're building muscles in your arms-
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm.
- MGMo Gawdat
... and that same exact process is exactly what happens inside our brains, and it's called neuroplasticity. The only difference is that you don't see it. You don't see it physi- visibly. You can see your muscles growing, because that's the function that they need, you know, they need to grow to perform. But in your brain, what actually happens, again like computers, it's almost as if you loaded a new, uh, piece of software, a new, a new piece of operating system, uh, uh, on, on your brain. Literally for every one of us listening, uh, everyone listening to us t- uh, right now, at the end of this conversation, their brain will be wired differently than when it started. Every single instance of anything that you do literally rewires the hardware itself, uh, the neurons that fire together wire together. Okay? So, im- imagine the old days of the switchboard, okay? And, um, you know, uh, Steve wants to call his mom, so you ra- you know, crank your phone and the operator says, uh, you know, "Hi, how can I help you?" And you say, "Can you please connect me to that number?" And she would literally pa- take a wire and patch you and your mom's f- phones together. Okay? After a while, the operator constantly every time you call, you want, you ask for your mom, so the operator goes like, "Why am I even wasting my time on this? Let me just patch that wire to his mom all the time." Okay? So, that's exactly what happens in our brains. If you, if you perform a single f- a certain function, your brain starts to build networks that make that function easier to perform in the future. If you do it one time, m- it becomes a little easier. If you do it 20 times, it becomes permanent. Okay? And there are, there are tons of studies. Uh, if you, if you take a simple task like tapping your finger on the table, okay, and you're requested to do that, say, 20 times every hour, after a few days you'll find that you're so much better at tapping your finger on the table, and you can do it much faster and you can do it consistently and you can do it in the background. Gamers know that for certain. Okay? The problem with neuroplasticity is if you tell your brain to wire for tapping your finger, it will. If you tell it to wire for solving complex mathematical equations, it may take a little longer, but it will. If you tell it to wire for hating people, it will become very good at hating. If you tell it to wire for fearing the end of the world because of what the media is telling you, it's gonna become very good at fearing the world.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I know some of those people.
- MGMo Gawdat
(laughs) I know, absolutely. And you don't want them in your life. The challenge of our w- modern world is that we think that this brain is supposed to be there to make us successful. Yeah. Okay? First of all, it's not the primary function of the brain. The primar- primary function of the brain is to make you safe. Okay? And then the secondary function that we push human, as humans to, th- that, that brain to do is to invent iPhones and create podcasts and have amazing things, right? That's a secondary function. But believe it or not, before that secondary function, your, your brain is supposed to make you happy. Because happy is the ultimate form for you to perform in life. If you're not happy, you're not as effective as you could be at achieving survival. Think about it, huh. If you're grumpy all the time at work, people don't like you, you're not focused, uh, no one wants to help you, uh, you're wasting most of your time, um, your brain cycles, uh, r- you know, thinking about the negative, and so you're not innovative or creative and so on and so forth. It degrades your performance. Hmm? Happy is a better place for you to be at work, because it will make your customers wanna do business with you, it will make your colleagues want to, uh, you know, to help you out, it will make your boss welcome you in their team and so on and so forth. Hmm? We are social animals by definition. Hmm? And we want to have that in our life. And the easiest way to connect and to open up and to in- discover the world is to be in a happy place. That's a primary function of your brain.
- SBSteven Bartlett
It's hard for some peop- you know, 'cause we can all think of someone in our lives who has, um, certain wiring, very stubborn wiring.
- MGMo Gawdat
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
That almost seems impossible to unwire.
- MGMo Gawdat
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And I think we all have that ourselves as well, certain wiring in our brains where something happens and our reaction to that thing might be, uh, you know, to catastrophize, it's the end of the world. That's like a cer- feels like it's a certain set of wiring where trigger and then the, the brain goes through the circuitry and it goes catastrophe, panic.
- MGMo Gawdat
Yeah. And, and the, and the answer to that I found was to actually guide that person, or yourself if that's yourself, to the opposite of your wiring. So, if my, if my wiring is to look at everything and see what's wrong with it, I should deliberately force my brain to look for what's right with it. So, uh, you know, I, uh, w- when I was, when, when I was coming here it was very busy in the morning, and so I came late, if you remember. And my brain's immediate reaction is, "Oh, what's gonna happen? I'm gonna be late for Steve." Right? That's the immediate reaction of the brain, because something is wrong, so it looks for what's wrong. Hmm? Uh-... I could also say, and what is good about that? What is good about being a little late? You know, he's been recording for the last few days, so it may- may give him a little bit of extra time.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Do you want to know the truth?
- MGMo Gawdat
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I was so happy you were late-
- MGMo Gawdat
(laughs) Right?
- SBSteven Bartlett
... 'cause I was late. So I was sitting upstairs reading, and I was reading the book, and I was thinking, "I just hope he's like 15 minutes late."
- MGMo Gawdat
(laughs) You glad that- that-
- SBSteven Bartlett
And then I'm looking at my phone, I'm like, I'm really, he's not coming up perfect, so I carried on going and carried on going and carried on going, and I just finished as you arrived.
- MGMo Gawdat
Yeah.
- 13:21 – 26:16
Africa Brooke - How To Overcome A Sexless Relationship
- SBSteven Bartlett
One of the things I've heard you talk about a lot is your, your journey and your e- evolving relationship with sex and sexuality-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... and how that changed from when you were very young-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... through the period when you were drinking a lot-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... um, till today. Can you talk to me about that evolution and what you've learned about those topics that might benefit me?
- ABAfrica Brooke
Yes, absolutely. So, I'm going to sort of keep referring to my sobriety and that period of my life because it was so transformative, and it revealed so much to me, so much that I could have never imagined at the time. So something that also happened when I got sober, I think this was about a year into my sobriety, I realized just how much sexual shame I was holding, so much of it. And I initially sort of wanted to fix it, wanted to do something about it. What are some surface level things that I can do? What can I read? What can I sort of dive into? How can I deal with it from where I am now as a 25-year-old? But I quickly realized that I actually had to trace it back to see where it even comes from. And I realized, just like so many things, it did come from my childhood. Being raised in a Christian home, I learn again, not directly, more so indirectly, that being a sexual being was not something that was of God. It was not something that was supposed to be a part of who I am. Pleasure was never discussed. Sex was never discussed. Even intimacy in general. I never saw my parents hold hands. I never saw my parents hold hands. I never saw them kiss. I never saw them hug. I never saw any sort of affection. But I knew that they loved each other. I knew that they cared about each other. But affection and intimacy, I just never saw that. Not for a moment. When I sort of wanted to really understand where a lot of the sexual shame was stemming from, or just more so even outside of sex, intimacy, intimacy, feeling very disconnected to other people when it came to intimacy, but also from myself. I realized that I could only be expressive as a sexual being if I was drunk or if I was high, if I was in that place where, of course, my inhibitions are low, but I had no insecurities. I didn't have to feel like I'm doing something wrong. I didn't have to feel like my pleasure was wrong. But then when I got sober, all of those things came to the surface, and then th- I, I had to look that in the eye. So that also became something that I started sharing over time. As well as sort of sharing my journey with sobriety, I then started sharing the things that were revealed as a byproduct of me getting sober, and sexual shame was a huge one, was a big part of that.
- SBSteven Bartlett
My relationship with sex has evolved a lot-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... over, over time. I think it was early, in my early years influenced by porn-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Yes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... as it is for many people, so-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Me too. Me too.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... that's the way I went into the game.
- ABAfrica Brooke
Yes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I just went in trying to be those, those male porn stars, you know?
- ABAfrica Brooke
Right. (laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs) And I think over time, and I think there's just this wider issue in our society, specifically, I've got to be honest, with men.
- ABAfrica Brooke
Yes.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Um, what they think that, what they think sex is in terms of this kind of very aggressive, often dominating-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... transactional-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... um, encounter.
- ABAfrica Brooke
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
And then there's, uh, you know, I'm, again, I'm just, I'm just talking freely here. I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Like-
- ABAfrica Brooke
Please do.
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- ABAfrica Brooke
Please.
- 26:16 – 34:20
Bear Grylls - How To Build Resilience
- SBSteven Bartlett
normal guy. I'm a regular guy." And I get that.
- ABAfrica Brooke
Mm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
I get that. I understand what you're saying. However... (laughs)
- BGBear Grylls
Well, it's not false modesty. I don't want to- I'm not gonna let people build- build me into something I'm not, you know? (laughs) And I think as I get older, I know the frailties more and more, and I'm not ashamed of them. I'm- do you know what I mean? It's- it's okay. Many mistakes, many- many struggle- it's okay. Otherwise things become all too, you know, that- how- i- i- it's hard to relate to, you know?
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm. But you- you got through SAS selection.
- BGBear Grylls
Just. I got through all these things, just, you know?
- SBSteven Bartlett
And people turned- turned to you and- and said things, and as they turned back and quit, right? That- that, for me, is a filtering process of something.
- BGBear Grylls
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Whatever that something is.
- BGBear Grylls
But it's resi- all it is, is- is something we can control. It's not a filtering of talent, it's not a filtering of you're- you're- you're brilliant, you're through, you're not through, you know? It's- it's the genius of selection for the Special Forces is all about heart and spirit, and we can all have that. That's not a God-given talent. That's a- that's a muscle that builds with walking through the- the door of failure time and time again and keep getting back up, you know? So I like that. That's why I say I am an ordinary person. That's why I also say "just" to so many things, because, you know, yes, I passed, or, yes, you reached the top of this mountain, or yes, you do... But it's always just, (laughs) and that's okay, you know? And it's also often by standing on the shoulders of many giants who have helped me, you know? Many- many times, you know? If I think of SS selection, you know, that time- there were so many times where somebody- somebody just kind of believed in me at a critical time, you know? It might be something where there's two corporals running something, going, "Drill on that guy, drill on..." You know, a bit of luck falls on our side, somebody backs you, you know, or, you know, you- you- I don't know, just the more I look back on so many so-called achievements, the more I see the hand of good people in critical moments. But as you know, you have to win the hearts of those people in the first place, but also, the role of just that dogged determination to keep going. And that's not a thing of being brilliant, it's just trying to keep going. Often sliding another step back, but keep moving forward. And you say that to, you know, I've got three boys now, three teenagers, and I think if you said to them, "What one thing does your dad say to you day after day before you go to school?" It's always just, you know, "Don't give up. Don't you never give up. Be kind. You know, beat a turn, but n- never give up." And they roll their eyes. But you know what? One day they'll know that it's a key thing of- key thing of life, you know? You don't have to be the best to do your best.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Did that m- resilience muscle, as you call it, grow over time?
- BGBear Grylls
Of course.
- SBSteven Bartlett
In you?
- BGBear Grylls
It's like- it's like everything. It's like the little- little seeds to the mighty oaks, you know? We- how do we build it? Just inch by inch. And, uh, and that's a great thing, because it's not something only some people can have. You know, it's universal for us all. We can all become... People think it's a God-given gift to somehow be resilient. Resilience is that muscle, and you build it by failing and s- trying to stay positive and- and trying to get back on your feet and going again. You know, I look back and I remember being, uh, really excited about being picked for the fourth 11 football team as a linesman.
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- BGBear Grylls
I wasn't even in the team, you know? And it was like my job was to bring on the oranges at-
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- BGBear Grylls
... half-time, you know? But it was like... And I remember my dad was the only dad on the side of the pitch cheering me on. I thought it was so embarrassing. He's not- I'm not even in the team, but my- and dad said, you know, he's come to kind of... But actually, those little steps of like, "I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna bring on those oranges," and you're ne- you're never gonna forget it. It's gonna be great. (laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- BGBear Grylls
And it's incremental, tiny little things, but having to fight for things, you know? It's- how often do we see at school though, the- the school hero?... actually in life doesn't always do that brilliantly. And why is that? It's because they've got, you know, school's rewarded that, but they've never tested this. You know, where little Johnny, who doesn't have that, doesn't get the awards, is a linesman, brings home the oranges, you know, whatever it is, struggles, doesn't even get noticed, never wins anything, but never gives up and keeps doing his best and still doesn't really get noticed, but it doesn't matter. But when he leaves school, this might not be the biggest thing, but this is like ninja-like. You know, that- that resi- resilience muscle inside is strong. And as you know, and as I know, in life that's the one that is gonna carry you further. And- and the unseen people at school often do better in life. It's like, don't peak too early. (laughs) Don't peak at 14.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Oh, fucking hell, me neither.
- BGBear Grylls
(laughs)
- SBSteven Bartlett
I certainly didn't. I sat here with, um, Eubank, and I've been thinking about this idea of resilience and what it really means. And as we sit here today, my current hypothesis is basically resilience is the story, it's kind of this contract you have with yourself-
- BGBear Grylls
Hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... this self story about who you are. And in those moments when no one is looking, I- I was talking to Eubank about me being on the running machine and knowing I've got two minutes to go, because I said before I started I'd run till 45 minutes, but my legs are hurting and they're cramping. And I could give up and walk away and no one's gonna know, 'cause no one's here-
- BGBear Grylls
Yeah.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... but what I, I alter my own self story in a way-
- BGBear Grylls
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... and I s- I send a message to myself that I am the type of person that gives up when it's tough.
- BGBear Grylls
Mm-hmm.
- 34:20 – 48:15
Mel Robins - What to do when you're feeling stuck
- BGBear Grylls
moment, what are you, you gonna go this way? How are you gonna act in those big moments? And it's always what separates, you know, reaching those summits from not reaching those summits.
- SBSteven Bartlett
When you look back on the person you are now-
- BGBear Grylls
Mm-hmm.
- SBSteven Bartlett
... and the tremendous wisdom that you've just demonstrated just speaking to me just then, do you recognize the Mel that was, couldn't get out of bed, was feeling depressed, couldn't find, you know, described herself as you- as you did, as being lazy? Do you recognize that person? And what's at the very essence in the engine room that drove that change? Was it passion? Was it finding your calling?
- MRMel Robins
Um-
- SBSteven Bartlett
'Cause I know you weren't this per- I mean, you couldn't have been this person when you were in that room.
- MRMel Robins
Well, dude, it's also been 31 years.
- SBSteven Bartlett
True, right?
- MRMel Robins
I mean, come on, I've had a, I've- I've like basically been changing for as long as you've been alive, for crying out loud, so.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah, true.
- MRMel Robins
And also, human beings are designed to grow.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Mm-hmm. But not everybody seems to, because you have these-
- MRMel Robins
'Cause they don't understand being stuck.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah, interesting.
- MRMel Robins
See, being stuck is one of the most universal feelings of the human experience, and nobody understands what it is.
- SBSteven Bartlett
What is it?
- MRMel Robins
Oh, it's amazing when you hear this. It's like pew. So remember how we've talked about how, uh, the human beings have this crazy amount of natural intelligence wired into us? And inside your body, we've talked about one of the signals, anxiety. Anxiety is a signal that means pay attention, that's why you go into fight or flight, you're in an alert mode, okay? That's all that is. It's a signal, an alarm system. And your body has a sophisticated s- uh, system of signals and alarms. And they are all tied to fundamental needs. Anxiety is tied to your fundamental need for safety. That's why it's a signal. Let's talk about your most important fundamental needs. Let's go right back to Psychology 101, Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
- SBSteven Bartlett
(laughs)
- MRMel Robins
Uh, you need food or else you die.So, when you need food, what is the signal that your body sends you?
- SBSteven Bartlett
Hunger.
- MRMel Robins
When you need water, what is the signal?
- SBSteven Bartlett
Thirst. Hmm.
- MRMel Robins
When you need, um, uh, air, yeah, c- catching your breath. When you need rest, what do you feel?
- SBSteven Bartlett
Tired. Hmm.
- MRMel Robins
When you need connection, what do you feel?
- SBSteven Bartlett
Lonely.
- MRMel Robins
Human beings are designed to grow. When you stop growing, what do you feel?
- SBSteven Bartlett
(Breathes out)
- MRMel Robins
Stuck.
- SBSteven Bartlett
Yeah. S- I was gonna say stagnant, but I- I guess stuck is ... yeah.
Episode duration: 48:15
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