The Diary of a CEOAshley Walters: The Unheard TRUTH About Top Boy! "Me & Kano Didn't Have The Greatest Time"
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 3:30
Opening Montage: Violence, Fame And An Obsession With Dying Young
The episode opens with a stylised montage of Ashley’s voice over gunshots and Top Boy clips, juxtaposing his obsession with dying young, his desire to hurt others as he was hurt, and his success as artist and actor. It sets a stark contrast between his traumatic inner world and his public achievements.
- •Ashley recalls being “obsessed” with the idea he would die young, fixating on age 33.
- •He admits he wanted to hurt others as he’d been hurt and that his thoughts sometimes scare him.
- •Clips highlight his journey from So Solid Crew to Top Boy, labelled “the greatest show that’s ever come out of the UK.”
- •He hints that the final Top Boy season was difficult, especially between him and co‑star Kano.
- 3:30 – 13:00
Therapy, Fatherlessness And Becoming The Angry Kid
Prompted by Steven’s observation that he sounds like someone who’s done therapy, Walters traces his problems back to growing up without a consistent father figure and not understanding how deeply that shaped him. He explains how his dad’s prison absences, chaotic visits and alcoholism left him angry at the world and desperate for male validation.
- •Walters confirms he’s had “a lot of therapy” to unpack long‑standing trauma.
- •His father was in prison for most of his childhood; “France” was code for prison.
- •As a child he idolised his dad despite adults’ concerns and always chose to go with him when given the option.
- •He recalls carrying his drunk father home at age 10–11 and being chased by police.
- •Repeated disappointment morphed into anger at the world and a negative, aggressive attitude throughout his So Solid and early acting years.
- 13:00 – 22:30
Replacing Dad With Dealers: Belonging, Gangs And Early Success
Ashley describes how, once resentment towards his father hardened, he sought replacement father figures among local drug dealers and older men in So Solid Crew. Even as he ascended in music and TV, he remained emotionally underdeveloped, equating manhood with hardness and aggression rather than emotional capacity.
- •Local “bad boys” and dealers became surrogate fathers; he copied their swagger and attitudes.
- •Joining So Solid was primarily about belonging to a male group, not about music at first.
- •He acknowledges he clearly had talent because success came even while he was “bouncing around” in chaos.
- •He believed being a man meant not crying, taking no disrespect and using aggression, with no emotional skills to balance that.
- 22:30 – 35:00
Interpreting Rejection: Imposter Syndrome And The Need For Approval
With Steven’s help, Walters explores how children interpret parental failings as personal inadequacy, which for him evolved into chronic self‑doubt and imposter syndrome. He also revisits his complicated feelings about his father’s death, including a late reconnection that profoundly challenged his image of his dad.
- •He realises he interpreted his father’s inconsistency as ‘I’m not good enough,’ which still surfaces as fear of being “found out.”
- •He says he constantly wonders what others think about him, and is still learning that other people’s opinions are “none of my business.”
- •His mother never bad‑mouthed his dad but couldn’t understand why he still wanted him so badly, even after his death.
- •In their final two weeks together in Canada, he discovered his illiterate father was actually deeply intelligent and streetwise.
- •That time gave him two crucial gifts: understanding his father’s own traumatic upbringing and hearing that his dad loved and valued him beyond success.
- 35:00 – 49:00
Filming His Dying Father, Sudden Loss And Never Grieving
Walters recounts obsessively filming his daily life because he believed he’d die young, and turning the camera on his terminally ill father during their time together in Canada. He then describes the moment he learned of his father’s death on set with 50 Cent, his decision to immediately resume filming, and his sense that he has still never fully grieved.
- •Believing he’d die at 33, he hired someone to document his life on camera; he filmed his father nightly in Canada.
- •Discovering his father’s illiteracy in earlier prison letters had deepened his contempt, which was later overturned by hearing his father’s stories.
- •He came to see his father as intelligent and traumatised, and even felt grateful he wasn’t around more, wondering who he might have become.
- •His father died right after flying home; Walters learned about it mid‑shoot in a suddenly tense atmosphere on set.
- •After briefly breaking down in his trailer, he flew home for a day for the funeral, then went straight back to work and never truly processed the loss.
- 49:00 – 55:30
Losing His Spiritual Compass: Ego, Infidelity And The Dark Years
In the aftermath of his father’s death, Walters says he lost faith in the universe’s order and slid into a self‑centred, reckless period. He drank more, cheated on his partner, fathered two children outside the relationship, and let ego take precedence over his earlier caring nature.
- •Before his father’s death, he felt aligned with “universal law,” manifesting goals like joining So Solid.
- •The loss severed that belief system; he became “lost,” more fearful and spiritually disconnected.
- •He adopted a YOLO mentality, prioritising his ego and personal gratification over commitments.
- •He abused his celebrity, became highly promiscuous, and deeply hurt his first partner.
- •Two of his children were conceived during this period; he now says he is still paying the price for those years.
- 55:30 – 1:01:00
The Lost Tapes: Missing Archive And Unfinished Emotional Business
Ashley explains that all the footage he shot with his father ended up in a production company archive that dissolved amid personal and business turmoil. The former partner took the tapes, and a decade of trying to retrieve them has so far failed, leaving him without the only real visual record of his dad.
- •He and a friend started a production company and stored all his self‑shot archive, including the Canada footage, in its library.
- •When the company fell apart and they fell out, the partner kept the tapes.
- •For about 10 years, Walters has tried via intermediaries to get them back, with no response.
- •He’s reluctant to start legal proceedings but sees those tapes as “gold dust,” potentially healing for him and his sons.
- •The unresolved loss of the footage adds another layer of grief and frustration around his father.
- 1:01:00 – 1:14:00
Lessons From Two Final Weeks: Identity, Confidence And What He’d Say Now
Reflecting on those last two weeks, Walters says truly knowing where he comes from—seeing his father’s character and charm—helped him understand himself, including his own confidence and mannerisms. He regrets not clearly thanking his father or softening more, and wonders if his dad boarded the last flight unsure of his forgiveness.
- •He realised how vital it is for a son to know the man he comes from for a stable identity.
- •Observing his dad’s confidence and humility made him see he had the same potential and should doubt himself less.
- •His father dismissed material success as “meaningless,” stressing love and personhood over achievements.
- •Ashley walked away knowing his dad loved and was proud of him—which became “good enough.”
- •If he could speak to him now, he’d say thank you and hopes his father didn’t die thinking Ashley still hated him.
- 1:14:00 – 1:26:00
Talent, Drive And ‘Invisible PR’: Why Ashley Is Still Working
Steven challenges Walters to define the real traits behind his unusually early and dual success in music and acting. Ashley reluctantly outlines a mix of personal charm, authenticity, humility and generosity that have earned him a loyal fanbase and long‑lasting industry relationships beyond simple ‘talent.’
- •He acknowledges inheriting some of his father’s charm and ability to connect with people quickly.
- •He always brings a piece of himself into each role, fuelling performances with his own trauma.
- •Off set he stays humble, doesn’t brag, remains accessible to his community and actively helps others.
- •He walks freely in public because people see him as “Ash,” not a distant celebrity, which keeps him grounded.
- •Steven brands this “invisible PR” — years of treating people well so they call and recommend you when it matters.
- 1:26:00 – 1:32:30
The Harsh Realities Of Acting And The Power Of ‘No’
When asked whether he’d support his own kids becoming actors, Walters admits fear because of the industry’s instability and rejection. He also discusses his intolerance for being told “you can’t” and how that resistance helped him evolve into directing when initially blocked from directing his own show.
- •He warns acting is financially unstable; only in the last 10 years has he felt secure despite a lifelong career.
- •About 80% of the job is rejection: “You were great, but…”
- •People close to him say he turns ‘no’ into motivation rather than defeat.
- •Being told he lacked experience to direct his own show pushed him to make a short film, funded by Sky, as proof of ability.
- •In the process, he discovered he genuinely loves directing, not just as a point‑scoring exercise.
- 1:32:30 – 1:37:00
The Vengeful Inner Voice, Forgiveness And Emotional Communication
Ashley digs into the nature of his inner voice—angry, vengeful, and often a poor guide—and his commitment to leading with love and forgiveness instead of retaliation. He then pivots to how his wife Danielle and her affectionate family have forced him to confront his emotional limitations and learn healthier ways to communicate.
- •He calls his inner voice biased and untrustworthy, often justifying harmful actions he wants to take.
- •He now deliberately consults others before acting on strong emotions, especially revenge impulses.
- •He acknowledges carrying grudges hurts him far more than those he resents, echoing the ‘you are the prisoner’ quote.
- •Danielle’s tactile, openly loving family initially repulsed and then deeply moved him because he never had that.
- •He admits he’s a fixer who struggles to just listen; he equates conversation with a need to solve, not simply connect.
- •He recognises he can be “quite cold” as a husband and is in weekly couples counselling to unlearn that.
- 1:37:00 – 1:46:00
Kingdom, Regret And Embracing His Own Story
Discussing his acting school, Kingdom, Walters underscores that students shouldn’t aspire to copy his exact path, since it includes prison and deep trauma. He has come to see even his worst experiences as non‑negotiable parts of the chain that created his current life, and says he wouldn’t erase them for fear of erasing his children and present reality.
- •He tells students they’d need all his darkest experiences to truly have his journey, which few would want.
- •He refuses to regret or erase past events because changing any one might erase his kids or current opportunities.
- •He compares it to Back to the Future’s fading photo—altering the past might delete the people he loves now.
- •He emphasises that the most enjoyable aspects of his career were the struggles, relationships and problem‑solving along the way.
- •He doesn’t envy those who’ve ‘completed the game’; he needs new challenges to feel alive.
- 1:46:00 – 1:51:30
Pandemic Pause: Losing Work, Depression And Facing Himself
The pandemic stripped Walters of work and external validation, forcing him into 24/7 family life he wasn’t prepared for. He describes becoming depressed, drinking and smoking more, arguing heavily with his wife, and being confronted with habits and flaws he’d long avoided by staying busy.
- •He struggles with idleness; even on holiday he can’t sit still and just read by the pool.
- •Lockdown’s removal of choice to work made him feel like a “civilian,” losing the part of him that felt special.
- •He and his wife argued a lot, discovering irritations they hadn’t noticed when he was often away.
- •He admits he likely gets some of his self‑worth from his work and success, and lockdown exposed that dependence.
- •Sitting with his thoughts revealed long‑standing coping habits like heavy drinking, smoking and nail‑biting.
- 1:51:30 – 2:04:00
Fatherhood, Distance And Fear Of Repeating The Cycle
Walters candidly addresses his shortcomings as a young father, including prison time and emotional absence, and how that has affected his relationships with his older children. He fears passing on his own distant patterns but is intent on doing better for all his kids, even as he acknowledges some damage is already done.
- •He had children at 17–18 and went to prison at 19, missing key early years.
- •Even when free, he was touring and acting, often prioritising career over parental responsibility.
- •He admits he loved his kids but didn’t want the adult sacrifices fatherhood required at the time.
- •Now he senses distance and lack of trust from his older children; they rarely call him about big issues.
- •He believes he’s transmitted his own emotional distance to them, and is anxious about how those patterns may continue into the next generation.
- 2:04:00 – 2:17:00
Top Boy: Reading The Script, Representation And Global Impact
The conversation shifts fully to Top Boy: its raw subject matter, Channel 4 cancellation, Netflix revival, and cultural influence. Walters explains why he broke his own vow not to play another street ‘bad boy’ when he read Dushane, and how the show humanised Black British crime stories in a way that resonated worldwide.
- •On set for season one, he and Kano wondered if Channel 4 would even broadcast such graphic scenes.
- •He’d previously told his agent he was done playing stereotypical street roles, but Top Boy was different.
- •The script portrayed organised crime with structure, hierarchy and nuance, akin to Goodfellas or Scarface.
- •Dushane was written as entrepreneurial and strategic, aspiring to feed everyone and reduce harm, which intrigued him.
- •He believes Top Boy’s uniqueness lay in three‑dimensional characters and wider social themes: mental health, neglect, family dynamics.
- •Director Yann Demange’s cinematic vision and ability to draw strong performances from mostly non‑actors was critical.
- 2:17:00 – 2:31:00
Cancellation, Revival And Fighting For The Final Season
Walters speculates on why Channel 4 originally cancelled Top Boy and reflects on the fortunate gap before its Netflix rebirth. He then describes the bittersweet feelings around ending the show, the creative battles of the last season, and the sense of cultural responsibility he and Kano carry.
- •He suspects a “change of guard” at Channel 4 and execs wanting their own hits contributed to the cancellation.
- •The hiatus allowed a cult fanbase to grow, making the Netflix revival both possible and powerful.
- •He calls the ending of Top Boy bittersweet: he’ll miss the on‑set family, especially the deepened bond with Kano, but is excited for new creative freedom.
- •He reveals they had “not the greatest time” filming the final season because they fought hard against executive decisions they felt harmed authenticity.
- •They pushed for accurate representation of characters and communities, often facing resistance from multiple executives.
- •Internationally, the show has helped artists like Giggs and Nigerian creatives because audiences now understand where they come from beyond stereotypes.
- 2:31:00
Legacy, Last Words And What He’d Tell His Kids
In closing, Walters is asked what he’d say in a final phone call to his children. After a joke about chicken wings, he returns to the core wound with his own father and says the only essential message is that he loves them—a simple phrase he never exchanged with his dad.
- •He jokes he’d tell his kids, “Don’t eat my chicken wings,” revealing his playful dad side.
- •On a serious note, he says he’d use a last call to tell them he loves them, explicitly.
- •He regrets neither he nor his father said “I love you” before his dad died.
- •Steven closes by praising Ashley’s integrity, craft and resilience and expresses excitement for his directing future.
- •Walters accepts the praise with humility, emphasising that his journey was built on hardship, rejection and relentless effort, not just “talent.”
