James Sexton: Why slippage quietly ends most marriages

Sexton defines slippage as the accumulation of tiny, unaddressed neglects—missing small moments, not ‘watering the plant,’ failing to check when you’ve ‘lost the plot.’ Marriages usually end slowly and then “all at once,” like Hemingway’s bankruptcy line. The antidote is deliberate, ongoing attention to three entities: the ‘you,’ the ‘me,’ and the ‘we.’ Couples need explicit rituals or practices (walks, check‑ins, honest feedback) that surface small issues before they calcify into contempt and distance.

Sexton’s core life thesis is that the hard thing and the right thing are usually the same. Whether it’s confronting relationship problems, discussing sex, or raising prenups and divorce risk, people try to keep things “pleasant” and optimistic—then pay for it with explosive breakups or brutal litigation. He suggests practical mechanisms like ‘hit send now’ emails to flag hurts promptly, deliberate weekly walks where partners share what didn’t feel good and what did, and using softer, indirect entry points (like describing a ‘dream’) to open sexual topics.

Having grown up with a mother who repeatedly ‘had six months to live’ and later spent years as a hospice volunteer, Sexton argues that Western culture hides death and divorce as if not speaking of them will prevent them. Yet death is certain and divorce highly likely. Hospice patients almost never wanted to talk about dying; they wanted to remember moments when they felt deeply alive and loved. Bringing mortality and relational impermanence into view now, he says, clarifies priorities and makes us less likely to waste time on performative nonsense.

Sexton distinguishes between love, weddings, and the legal contract of marriage. He calls marriage “incredibly dangerous” statistically: about 56% end in divorce and many more remain unhappily stuck. The default ‘prenup’ is whatever the state legislature wrote—rules most couples don’t understand and that politicians can change. He recommends couples either write their own prenup or at least discuss what a fair ending would look like now, when they love and understand each other, rather than outsourcing everything to the courts by default.

Having a child with someone, Sexton says, is far riskier than marrying them. Kids create infinite legal and emotional leverage: child support claims that track income, custody battles over hours and holidays, and parental alienation where children become tools to punish an ex. He also holds a controversial view that making children your “greatest accomplishment” or sole identity increases the chances of divorce: obsession with kids leads many parents to neglect themselves and their partner, ironically undermining the family life they wanted to protect.