James Sexton: Marriage fails 70 percent of the time

Sexton notes that roughly 56% of marriages end in divorce, and if you add couples who stay together but are miserable or trapped financially, failure climbs toward 70–75%. Yet 86% of divorced people remarry within five years. His point: don’t assume marriage is obligatory; ask, “What problem is marriage solving for me?” and decide consciously, not by default or social pressure.

A prenup is essentially a custom rule‑set for the legal and financial side of your marriage, drafted by you instead of politicians or changing laws. Sexton recommends a simple “yours, mine, and ours” structure and stresses that the real benefit is ongoing, honest money conversations. If your partner refuses any discussion or uses “no prenup, no wedding” as leverage, see that as a serious red flag about power and communication in the relationship.

Sex, in Sexton’s view, is what distinguishes a spouse from a roommate. Shifts in sexual frequency or quality almost always appear somewhere in the story of a failing marriage—whether as cause or effect. Men in his practice disproportionately complain of sexlessness or low frequency, while women more often seek emotional connection and quality. He argues couples need to discuss sex openly, early, and repeatedly, rather than waiting until resentment or infidelity make it a crisis.

Sexton advocates regular, uncomfortable but loving check‑ins on connection, attraction, and satisfaction instead of waiting until a crisis. Examples: simple daily gestures (like handwritten notes), explicit discussions about how each partner prefers to fight or cool off, and a structured “hit send now” technique for sharing hard truths by email when you’re calm. The goal is to notice slippage early—like declining sex or growing contempt—and address it before it becomes irreparable.

He routinely sees couples in his office whose online presence screams “perfect, blessed relationship” while they are in brutal litigation. That performativity not only misleads their followers but also poisons others’ satisfaction, as people compare their messy, real lives to someone else’s highlight reel. Sexton suggests we should be far more skeptical of loudly advertised happiness—“empty barrels make the most noise”—and less ashamed of ordinary, imperfect relationships.