The Diary of a CEOJames Smith: Become Confident In 100 Minutes | E174
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 7:00
Reframing Confidence: Not a Superpower, But a Skill
James returns to the show to discuss his new book on confidence and immediately dismantles the idea that confidence is an inborn trait. He explains how his own insecurities coexist with a set of values and frameworks that let him act confidently anyway.
- •James didn’t want to write another fitness sequel; he chose confidence because he had to figure it out for himself first.
- •He rejects the framing of confidence as a ‘superpower’—that implies it’s unattainable for normal people.
- •Confidence is not the absence of fear or insecurity; it’s the way you interpret and respond to those feelings.
- •He often uses the same tools on himself that he teaches to others.
- 7:00 – 22:00
From Insecure Kid to Numbers-Game Mindset
James unpacks his own lack of confidence, especially around body image and dating, and how early experiences and sales work reshaped his perception of risk and rejection. He contrasts being comfortable on stage with being nervous approaching someone in a bar.
- •Childhood overweight and body-image struggles drove his initial obsession with fitness.
- •Door-to-door energy sales taught him that success is a numbers game, not magic confidence.
- •Years of email marketing and social content without returns built resilience to delayed gratification.
- •Confidence deficits are highly domain-specific: you can be fine with public talks and terrified of flirting.
- 22:00 – 34:00
Childhood Stories, Trauma, and the Role of Repetition
Steven introduces Liver King’s hidden social anxiety and bullying history as a case study in fractured confidence. James argues you don’t always need to ‘fix’ childhood trauma; instead, you can start with micro-actions that build repetition and courage in specific areas.
- •Early bullying or rejection can selectively damage confidence (e.g., social vs. physical).
- •James doesn’t believe everyone must excavate old trauma to move forward.
- •The path out is graded exposure: start with the smallest step you can tolerate (a hello, a compliment, not a full-blown approach).
- •Many people perform a role—being who they need to be—rather than their private, anxious self, especially online.
- 34:00 – 45:00
Pain Points, Crossroads, and the Cost of Inaction
James introduces ‘pain points’ as the real motivators behind change and maps confidence crises as crossroads between action and inaction. He and Steven discuss how people cling to comfort even when it conflicts with their deepest fears like lifelong loneliness or chronic undervaluation at work.
- •Clients rarely reveal their true motivations (“tone up”) until probed: loneliness, sexual rejection, professional shame are the real pain points.
- •On tough days, shallow goals won’t get you out of bed; deep pain will.
- •When you lack confidence, you’re at a binary: endure current pain or face acute discomfort; doing nothing is still a decision.
- •Quotes Bartlett’s idea that silence and inaction are still choices, then adds, “Whatever you’re not changing, you’re choosing.”
- 45:00 – 57:00
Evidence, Expectation, and the Limits of ‘Fake It Till You Make It’
They critically examine self-help clichés like mirror affirmations and ‘fake it till you make it.’ James reframes confidence as expectation-setting and cites research on the ‘expectation effect’ and placebo to argue for optimistic realism rather than self-delusion.
- •Steven sees confidence as evidence-based belief; affirmations without action rarely stick.
- •James proposes a spectrum: anxiety = predicting failure, confidence = predicting success.
- •Interrogative self-talk (“Can I do well?”) works better than flat statements (“I will do well”).
- •Expectation studies show that even false beliefs (e.g., about a ‘good gene’) can improve performance.
- •He distinguishes manifestation (dangerous if detached from effort) from the placebo effect (belief amplifying real effort).
- 57:00 – 1:05:00
Audacity, Haters, and the Inevitable Dark Side of Standing Out
James and Steven dissect audacity as the starting ingredient behind any big success and the reason both of them attract hatred as well as admiration. They emphasize the necessity of tolerating criticism from people who were never your customers anyway.
- •Audacity is putting your head above the parapet to state strong opinions or start ambitious projects.
- •James now has “thousands” of people who hate him; five years ago, virtually nobody did.
- •You can’t build anything significant without inviting critics who were never going to support you.
- •Audacious ventures—the first podcast episode, the first controversial rant—are always unsupported by evidence at the time.
- 1:05:00 – 1:18:00
Happiness Ingredients, Mental Health ‘Table Legs,’ and Alcohol
The conversation shifts to happiness, life balance, and how seemingly stable people can still topple mentally if enough ‘table legs’ are kicked out. James describes how his relationship with alcohol has changed as productivity and mental health rose in value.
- •James doesn’t dwell on what’s missing; he sees ‘gaps’ as challenges he’s excited to face.
- •Steven thinks in terms of balance: is he working, training, or resting too much based on feedback from others.
- •James’s friend reframed his ‘good mental health’ as the result of unrecognized protective habits.
- •He uses a table metaphor: legs include work, family, outdoors, finances; lose too many and the table (mental health) collapses.
- •Alcohol once served as ‘bottled confidence’ for social situations; now he sees it as undermining productivity and happiness.
- 1:18:00 – 1:29:00
Work, Retirement, and Finding Infinite Games
They explore workaholism, retirement, and the allure of having endless problems to solve. James rejects the traditional retirement dream and describes how jiu-jitsu and content creation function as infinite games that keep him engaged.
- •James denies being a workaholic but admits he struggles to see solo film-watching as ‘productive.’
- •He enjoys leaving his phone behind for jiu-jitsu, skateboarding, and the beach—non-work but still active.
- •Retirement horrifies him; humans are problem solvers and need ongoing challenges.
- •He fantasizes about a simple future: a dog, a jiu-jitsu dojo near a beach, and teaching for life.
- 1:29:00 – 1:51:00
Relationships, Fixed vs Growth Mindsets, and Monogamy
James opens up about his historically short, fixed-mindset approach to relationships and how a psychedelic experience forced him to reconsider which ‘race’ he wants to win: money or family. They debate monogamy, temptation, cheating, and the influence of culture and peers.
- •Magic mushrooms by the beach led him to realize he might ‘win’ money but lose what his family values most: a family.
- •He used to treat relationships as disposable disruptions to work; longest pre-current relationship was about a year.
- •Carol Dweck’s fixed vs growth mindset helped him see he’d been fixed in relationships while growth-oriented in business.
- •He believes monogamy offers massive benefits for raising children and family stability.
- •He critiques those who loudly reject monogamy or diet culture as often reacting from their own failures (‘inner citadel’ defense).
- •Cheating is largely framed as a lack of discipline amplified by abundant modern options and anonymity (apps, DMs, Ashley Madison).
- 1:51:00 – 2:07:00
Hot–Cold Empathy Gap, Open Relationships, and Sacrifice
They dig into the psychological tug-of-war between wanting freedom and wanting commitment, using the hot–cold empathy gap to explain why both single and partnered people fantasize about the other state. Both men land on sacrifice as the source of meaning in monogamy and goals.
- •Hot–cold empathy gap: when horny, you can’t imagine not wanting sex; when satisfied, you can’t imagine being horny—or vice versa.
- •Single people crave connection after empty encounters; partnered people sometimes fantasize about novelty.
- •Opening relationships can unleash dynamics you can’t later ‘unsee’ or reverse; the risk is deeply underestimated.
- •Bartlett links the value of a six-pack or a relationship to the story of discipline and sacrifice they represent.
- •Meaningful goals are defined by what you’re willing to say no to.
- 2:07:00 – 2:24:00
Dating, Alcohol, Apps, and Building Social Confidence
James examines modern dating as both a confidence training ground and a minefield built on alcohol, apps, and avoidance. He urges people to date sober, choose low-pressure activities, and avoid letting convenience erode their social skills.
- •Dating is a central confidence arena: people lack confidence to initiate or to leave.
- •Sunk-cost fallacy keeps people in relationships because of time invested, not current fit.
- •Alcohol on dates skews compatibility: someone you’d rule out sober can seem fine after three drinks.
- •James now prefers walking, swimming, or coffee dates: movement-based, low-interview, sober contexts.
- •Dating apps and event-based platforms like ‘Thursday’ reduce friction but can also be walls you hide behind.
- •Confidence, like fitness, degrades when you stop training it; heavy reliance on apps weakens in-person assertiveness.
- 2:24:00 – 2:35:00
Helping Friends Who Won’t Change and Shrinking the First Step
Steven describes frustration with friends who talk about change but never act; James shares similar experiences and reframes it as a belief problem. They stress that initial steps must be tiny enough to feel unavoidable.
- •Both have become borderline ‘assholes’ pushing friends who say they want change but show no action.
- •James sees belief as the core blocker: they want to believe but don’t truly think they can.
- •Macro goals (lose weight, grow a business) must be translated into micro habits (skip breakfast, daily posts, 10k steps).
- •If the first stepping stone is too big, people never move; a coach’s job is to make it so small they almost can’t refuse.
- 2:35:00 – 2:48:00
Imposter Syndrome, Being Who You Need to Be, and Confidence as Persona
They normalize imposter syndrome as an inevitable phase whenever you step into a new role, from parenting to CEO. James argues that early on you must ‘be who you need to be’ before you have evidence you actually are that person.
- •Everyone is objectively an imposter at the beginning—first-time parents, new CEOs, first-time podcasters.
- •You have to act as though you belong before there’s proof you do.
- •Over time, evidence accumulates (the baby survives, the podcast grows) and the imposter feeling recedes.
- •James actively scripts who he ‘needs to be’ on social media, distinct from his private, less confrontational self.
- •Confidence is a set of beliefs and behaviours layered onto any base personality type.
- 2:48:00 – 3:08:00
Utility of Deprivation: Porn, Alcohol, and Desire
James introduces Jordan Peterson’s ‘utility of deprivation’ to argue for strategic abstention from pleasures like porn, masturbation, junk food, and alcohol—especially for single people. Steven admits he believes his relationship would be better if he stopped watching porn.
- •Porn and OnlyFans give men more sexual imagery in an hour than previous generations saw in a lifetime; this has unknown costs.
- •Masturbation can sap the drive to pursue real intimacy or approach people; especially problematic for lonely singles.
- •Utility of deprivation: sometimes life gets better *because* you remove easy pleasures.
- •James isn’t anti-porn or ‘no-fap’ dogmatic; he wants people to evaluate honesty: would less porn/drinking improve your life?
- •Steven believes his relationship and sexual desire would be stronger if he cut porn entirely.
- •Post-ejaculation psychology (post-nut clarity) shows how drastically mental state shifts, altering relationship dynamics and motivation.
- 3:08:00 – 3:19:00
Purpose, Legacy, and the Power of Small Repetitions
Asked about his life goal, James describes the surreal impact of strangers thanking him in the street and crying, and how that confirms his mission to ‘eradicate bullshit’ and improve lives at scale. He later identifies his hardest challenge as loving repetitive, dull work.
- •Random encounters with people whose lives he’s changed both affirm his mission and make him deeply uncomfortable.
- •He admits helping people is selfish in one sense—it makes him feel good—but sees it as a positive alignment.
- •His ‘rite of passage’ isn’t a single dramatic event but years of boring, consistent repetitions (posting, writing, training).
- •He sees himself as the beneficiary of his parents’ long-term sacrifices and wants to pay that forward to future family.
- •Bartlett highlights that these small disciplines, repeated, define a life trajectory (The Slight Edge concept).
- 3:19:00 – 3:36:00
Failure in Australia: Whiteboard Videos and Losing vs. Being Defeated
James recounts what he calls the worst day of his life: failing as a PT in Sydney, borrowing money from his dad for a sofa, and facing the prospect of moving home. That crisis birthed his whiteboard videos and online career, anchored in a new understanding of failure.
- •Arriving in Sydney, he went from 25–30 PT hours/week in the UK to struggling for six hours in a hyper-competitive gym.
- •Being ignored or threatened by other PTs and prospects left him humiliated and close to giving up.
- •On 13 March 2017, he bought a whiteboard, went home early, and started Facebook Live whiteboard talks with ~3k followers.
- •Within months he left the gym, built an online business, and trained a remaining client for gifts instead of cash.
- •He uses Rickson Gracie’s quote: losing is not being defeated; you’re defeated only when loss stops you from continuing.
- 3:36:00 – 3:50:00
Asking for 10% Off Coffee: A Micro-Drill for Confidence
In response to how a listener like ‘Suzanne’ could start building confidence today, James prescribes Tim Ferriss’s ‘10% coffee discount’ exercise. He describes doing it himself and being shocked at how physiologically intense such a trivial ask felt.
- •The exercise: ask for a 10% discount on a coffee, not to save money but to practice looking foolish.
- •James nearly backed out when people joined the queue behind him, then pushed through and felt sweaty and anxious.
- •The point is to discover how overblown your fear is relative to the actual consequences.
- •Most people are not paying attention to you; Mark Manson’s ‘how seldom they do’ quote and supporting studies back this.
- •Tiny acts of voluntary discomfort rewire your tolerance for anxiety and embarrassment.
- 3:50:00
Boredom, Infinite Games, and Redefining Success
They close by exploring boredom as the opposite of happiness and how both of them shifted from finite, milestone-based lives to infinite games driven by process. A serendipitous book recommendation (The 4-Hour Workweek) triggered James’s move to Australia, which cured his boredom and gave him a purpose he’d never imagined.
- •A stranger on a Croatian minivan recommended The 4-Hour Workweek; one line—“The opposite of happiness is boredom”—changed James’s trajectory.
- •He realized he was successful but bored as the top-earning PT in his gym, leading him to move to Australia.
- •Bartlett describes redesigning his goals and companies around infinite games (consistency, sustainable culture) rather than finish-line metrics.
- •Incompletable goals (a never-finished podcast, lifelong jiu-jitsu) are more fulfilling and resilient than one-off achievements.
- •James credits his conversation with Steven in their first episode with pushing him to upgrade his own podcast production and social strategy.
