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The Deathbed Doctor: Weeks Before Death, Patients Start Having Visions! | Dr Christopher Kerr

What if everything you thought you knew about the final moments of life was completely wrong? Dr. Christopher Kerr dives into the realities of dying and what over 1,500 patient interviews reveal about human consciousness. Dr. Christopher Kerr is a pioneering hospice physician, neurobiologist, and CEO who has spent nearly three decades studying the profound psychological and spiritual experiences of the dying. His groundbreaking research on end-of-life dreams and visions challenges conventional medical views on mortality and grief. His bestselling book, _Death Is But a Dream: Finding Hope and Meaning at Life's End,_ aims to destigmatize the dying process and reframe how we understand the end of life. _Trigger Warning: Please note there are mentions of grief and death, including the death of children within this conversation._ *In this episode, he explains:* ■ *The Reality of Death:* Dying is a gradual, peaceful dimming of the senses rather than a painful or terrifying medical event. ■ *End-of-Life Visions:* Over 80% of patients experience remarkably vivid, comforting dreams and visions of deceased loved ones as they approach death. ■ *The Shift in Priorities:* Dying individuals stop caring about worldly achievements or legacy, focusing entirely on relationships and ensuring they are not a burden to family. ■ *Healing Old Wounds:* Terminal patients frequently experience profound psychological transformation and resolve deep-seated childhood trauma in their final days. ■ *The True Meaning of Life:* Human existence is ultimately defined by our capacity for interdependency and love rather than individual accomplishments. 00:00:00 Intro 00:02:05 Why I’ve Interviewed Over 1,500 Dying Patients 00:03:23 Do Dying People See Their Loved Ones Who’ve Passed? 00:09:08 The Interview That Changed Me Most 00:11:25 How Deathbed Dreams Differ From Normal Dreams 00:13:40 Is This Biological or Spiritual? 00:15:57 Are Dying Patients Just Delirious? 00:16:58 The Biggest Misconceptions About Death 00:18:18 Do People Really Have Regrets When They Die? 00:19:11 What Dying Patients Actually Care About 00:21:23 Are We Chasing the Wrong Things in Life? 00:26:33 Is Dying Painful? 00:27:36 How Dying Patients Find Peace 00:28:36 How Modern Medicine Has Changed the Way We Die 00:31:31 Making Peace With People Before You Die 00:32:38 Lessons From the Dying You Can Use Today 00:33:36 Facing Extreme Regret at the End of Life 00:38:57 Ads 00:41:06 Do Dying People Want More Time? 00:42:42 Is the Longevity Movement Missing the Point? 00:43:44 What Determines a Peaceful Death 00:44:24 What Happens When People Die Alone 00:46:47 How Dying Brings Unresolved Trauma to the Surface 00:48:11 Is There Life After Death? 00:50:53 Psychedelics at the End of Life 00:51:35 Should We Worry About Having Regrets? 00:52:45 What Caring for the Dying Taught Me 00:53:20 How to Cope When Someone You Love Dies 00:58:59 Losing My Father 01:03:30 Ads 01:04:58 How Hope Changes as We Die 01:07:17 Do People Stop Living Once They Know They’re Dying? 01:07:55 Do We All Die Alone? 01:09:04 How Death Can Heal 01:10:20 Why We Need to Stop “Fighting” Death 01:12:40 My Cancer Diagnosis & How It Changed My View of Death 01:15:56 What Is the Meaning of Life? 01:17:15 How Death Is Different for Children _If you’ve been affected by the themes in this episode, support is available._ UK: Cruse Bereavement Support - cruse.org.uk The Compassionate Friends - tcf.org.uk US: The Compassionate Friends - compassionatefriends.org The Dougy Center - dougy.org International - findahelpline.com *Follow Dr. Christopher Kerr:* Facebook - https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/9WpG1ky Instagram - https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/3UJBOLb LinkedIn - https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/6uC41Jv YouTube - https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/5YduPEb Book: _Death Is But a Dream: Finding Hope and Meaning at Life’s End_ - https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/53Kcbph More information on his studies and patient videos can be found at: https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/4vkysI3 To contact: https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/91kvvNr *The Diary Of A CEO:* ◼ Join DOAC circle here - https://doaccircle.com/ ◼ Buy The Diary Of A CEO book here - https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/BWjLTZK ◼ Shop The Diary Of A CEO collection: https://thediary.com/collections/shop ◼ Get email updates - https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/5IB1H6E ◼ Follow Steven - https://link.thediaryofaceo.com/AGU9QP4 *Sponsors:* Pipedrive - https://pipedrive.com/CEO Cometeer - https://www.cometeer.com/steven using code STEVEN for $30 off

Steven BartletthostDr. Christopher Kerrguest
Oct 19, 20261h 23mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 2:05

    Intro

    1. SB

      You've interviewed 1,500 people as they're about to die

    2. CK

      And what our research is showing is nearly 90% of people start to have very intense dreams or visions as they get closer to death, and it's unlike anything they've ever experienced. And what's fascinating is these events don't resemble delirium. When we ask them to scale it zero to 10 on the degree of realism, it's always a 10. So it feels like this actually happened.

    3. SB

      Tell me about those people

    4. CK

      Um, would it help to see a video? So after doing this for 30 years, what I've come to understand is that we've lost our way with dying. There's such a lack of information, and that void is overwhelmingly filled with fear and mistruths, compounded by the fact that doctors don't have these discussions.

    5. SB

      Can you list them for me?

    6. CK

      First, I don't see people bringing up regret towards the end of their life.

    7. SB

      They're not thinking about do they regret something?

    8. CK

      No. Hell, hell no. No, it's gone. Death is this unbelievably truthful place. You're stripped to the bare bones of who you are. And if you think of the best version of yourself, it was never achieving something. It was being a son, it was being a brother, it was being a friend. And then the big myths are that pain is expected, and that's actually not true.

    9. SB

      It's less painful than people think

    10. CK

      Oh, gosh, by a mile. But it's damning how little conversations there are to address that issue. And then next, this is one that fascinates me. You're gonna see why.

    11. SB

      And also we have these six handwritten cards of lessons you've learned from caring for the dying. We'll go into the full list, but from everything you've experienced, do you think there is life after death?

    12. CK

      This is probably the most remarkable thing of all. So I think

    13. SB

      Here is a strange fact. Most of the people watching this right now, about 58% of you, aren't yet subscribed to this channel. Statistically, that is probably you. So could I ask you a small favor? If this channel has ever given you any value at all, please could you do me a favor and hit the subscribe button? It costs nothing, it helps us more than you could know, and the bigger the channel gets, as you've seen, the more we can invest in the guests and the production. So thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy this episode. [upbeat music]

  2. 2:05 – 3:23

    Why I’ve Interviewed Over 1,500 Dying Patients

    1. SB

      Dr. Christopher Kerr, you've spent three decades of your life experiencing something that most of us probably spend our lives trying to avoid. What is it you've done for the last three decades?

    2. CK

      [chuckles] I was trying to avoid it, too, but more by accident I ended up, um, becoming a hospice doctor.

    3. SB

      What does that mean?

    4. CK

      A hospice doctor cares for that individual who is no longer deemed treatable.

    5. SB

      So you've spent 30 years caring for people that are going to die shortly.

    6. CK

      Yes.

    7. SB

      And you started interviewing them

    8. CK

      Mm-hmm. Probably 1,500 at this point.

    9. SB

      Why did you start interviewing people that were about to die?

    10. CK

      Because their perspectives matter. I arrived at hospice completely unprepared, uh, to be a doctor of the dying. Medical school prepares you really to, to defeat death, not to care for those who are dying. But my colleagues, particularly in nursing, were much more attuned to what the actual patient was experiencing. What I've come to understand is what the patient perspective is the one that matters, and that when you start to see patients as people, you start to understand that they have these rich emotional and personal lives, and that's what matters at the end of life.

  3. 3:23 – 9:08

    Do Dying People See Their Loved Ones Who’ve Passed?

    1. SB

      How much research have you done? 'Cause I've got, I think, 15 research papers here that you've published.

    2. CK

      Yeah, we've done a lot. And we do very important things. So we rule out confusion states. We've viewed, done studies on post-traumatic growth to see whether within these negative experience of dying was there actually positive gain. We've looked at the effect on children.

    3. SB

      When children die

    4. CK

      Mm-hmm. And we've looked at the effect of these things on bereavement. You know, those left behind, how did that influence their bereavement?

    5. SB

      And you've also done a lot of research on the visions people see as they're dying and the dreams they have in the days leading up to their dying.

    6. CK

      Yes, that's the focus. The vast majority of people, nearly 90% of people, start to have very intense dreams or visions, and the overriding theme is that they're seeing people who they've loved and who they've lost. And very specifically, it's those that have loved them unconditionally, purely, and those that didn't aren't there. Dying is, um, progressive sleep. Your sleep architecture changes, your sleep cycles changes, and ever more you start to have these kind of inner experiences. It makes sense, right, that as you're dying, you're gonna be reflective, you're gonna be introspective. And they usually become more prevalent towards the last kind of week or two of life. And what was very interesting in the, the frequency of these events increases as people approach death. So it's all been an attempt to really humanize the dying process. So take it from a medical model, which looks at organ failure and management of disease, and instead let's look instead what the patient's actually experiencing towards the end of their life. And what's fascinating is when you measure what themes bring them the most comfort, it's seeing the deceased.

    7. SB

      So if I'm passing away, the thing that brings me the most comfort is seeing my deceased relatives.

    8. CK

      Yes.

    9. SB

      And I've got a graph here which shows the dreams of the dead that were most comforting. I'll throw that up on the screen.

    10. CK

      Yeah. Yes, we measured on, on a scale what brought them the most comfort, and you can see it goes up between the living and seeing the dead. Um, would it help to see a, a video?

    11. SB

      Yeah.

    12. CK

      What happened was we videoed patients early because we knew that our audience, particularly a medical audience, would have a view of what a dying patient was, that they were either compromised or feeble-minded. And so it became very important to capture them on film. So this is Paul. This is actually three weeks before his death. And he kind of covers all the bases. So w- Very vivid, these dreams. Very little is said between the dreamer and the person in the dream. What you'll notice in all these videos that's striking is the absolute absence of fear. So these dreams never deny the fact that they're dying. They, they almost transcend it, and they really sometimes have trouble to find language for what they're seeing, but they know how they're left felt, which is they're kind of put back together. I've probably had 15 dreams about her maybe, somewhere in there. She always wear-- I, I dream in color most times, and she always wears a beautiful light blue. It could be a suit, it could be a gown, it could be a dress, but it's always light blue. And a couple of times she's gave me the little beauty pageant wave, and a couple of times she sort of greet, always with a smile. Doesn't-- Only one or twice I've ever heard her voice. But, uh, she always kinda lets me know that she's fine.

    13. SB

      So in the lead up to his death, he's having, what, 15 dreams about his deceased wife?

    14. CK

      Yes.

    15. SB

      What do you make of that? Like, what does that mean?

    16. CK

      Yeah. You-- Honestly, my view of this is changing. I would have told you before when I started doing it, this, this was, um, a rekindled memory.

    17. SB

      So you-- It was just a memory?

    18. CK

      Yeah. It was like looking at a picture.

    19. SB

      Yeah.

    20. CK

      Right? And, uh, recalling the imagery. There's a couple features that stand out that suggest there's a lot more than that, that there's almost this continued consciousness. And o-one is the detail that's rekindled is remarkable. Ninety-five-year-old man, he lost his mother when he's five, and he talks about smelling her perfume and hearing her voice. The other is that often these interactions, and you're gonna see this in other videos, there's communication. So they're not, they're not in still form. This, again, not like looking at a picture.

    21. SB

      Do you believe his wife is still truly accessible, or are you saying that the memory of her is accessible through his dreams? 'Cause they're very different propositions.

    22. CK

      I don't know what this means. I don't know if this-- I, I wouldn't be so bold as to say this speaks to an afterlife. What I am more convinced of is that those who have loved us are never gone. They're accessible to us. And what is fascinating to me is that at the end of life, when people are neurologically compromised, they're fading, they can't move, the remnant of function is still this core sense of being connected and loved, and that remains. It's like we enter the world and leave the world with remarkable symmetry. You know, you come into the world and the infant doesn't know language, undeveloped brain, but it knows its mother's love. It knows, it feels connected and secured. And at the very end of life, it's kind of the same thing. They're diminished, they're less capable, but what they're feeling and sensing, even without language, is the same thing.

  4. 9:08 – 11:25

    The Interview That Changed Me Most

    1. SB

      Was there one particular video you got with a patient that was approaching their death that was most persuasive to you as it relates to believing that consciousness continues or that our loved ones aren't really ever gone, they are able to be summoned back into this world?

    2. CK

      Definitely the ones where people have injury or harm for having lived, and they've struggled with that, often for decades. And no matter how much therapy, talk therapy, medication, they've, they, they've never found peace, and they find it in the end in these experiences. So an old veteran who suffers with survival, death, and PTSD, in the last late, uh, uh, days of life, he's brought back to those who died overseas and he's comforted. And I think some of the most remarkable ones, of course, are the children, um, who do this so differently. But just the fact that there's so much innate ability within us to heal these harmed and broken pieces, and for children who do this in, in ways that are absolutely ins-inspiring. They're, you know, they're often not dramatic. They're very-- There's no great epiphany, no great reveal. These are moments of just having lived and mattered. They're sitting around a kitchen table. If you want, we can show Florence, and she's an example. She's lost her husband and she's lost her daughter, and this is five days before her passing. Tell us about the dreams.

    3. SP

      But the other night, I fell right into a sleep. We were, like, sitting at the kitchen table laughing. I could see their faces. I could tell it was full of foes. We were laughing. We were talking. We were eating. It made me feel like that whole 12 years had never existed.

    4. CK

      Because it was so real that it was, he was there in the present.

    5. SP

      And seven years since my daughter was gone.

    6. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    7. SP

      It was like we were always together, never separated.

    8. CK

      Yeah. How does it make you feel, um, about the prospect of dying? How does it change what you-

    9. SP

      Oh, I'm not, I'm

  5. 11:25 – 13:40

    How Deathbed Dreams Differ From Normal Dreams

    1. SP

      not afraid.

    2. SB

      When you see something like that, people might say, you know, because th-they are aware that they're going to pass away at some point, they've been given that, that diagnosis, that prognosis, p-presumably, yeah, the end of their life, their family, these are the things that would be on their mind, and if they're on their mind, they'd be in their dreams. So is it, is it the process of death that's provoking these kind of dreams or visions, or is it just the case that, you know, you dream about what you think about, and obviously these people are thinking about the end of their lives?

    3. CK

      Yeah. The, the only rebuttal to that is when you ask them these, these sorts of questions, the thing that gets them most distressed is when you refer to them as dreams. Because these are unlike anything they've ever experienced. So they're not dreams in the sense they're not metaphorical, they're not fantastical, they don't require interpretation. I've never had a patient say, "Hey, what do you think this means?" They're given this sense of knowing, and they'll often say, "I don't normally dream," or, "I don't recall my dream," or, "No, this was virtual, this was a happening." So they have no doubt. When we ask them to scale it zero to 10 on the degree of realism, it's always a 10. So it feels like this actually happened. And those of them who are having these experiences in the wake state, you can watch them. They're looking right through you. They're looking at the room. They're petting the dog that isn't there.

    4. SB

      Oh, so some of them have these visions-

    5. CK

      50% occurring when they're awake. Yeah.

    6. SB

      Even if it's quite some time before they pass away?

    7. CK

      No, it's usually measurable within weeks, a couple of weeks, and it picks up as, as you get closer to death.

    8. SB

      And when it gets closer to death, how do these visions change or evolve?

    9. CK

      Become more immersive. So again, dying is progressive sleep, so they're living more in this other state where they're deeper and deeper sleep, so they spend more time there, and they'll often wake up, it's interesting, and wish they were going back into that other state. Oftentimes, they're just warmed by reunion of what they were experiencing, and time and distance go away. So their decades are moved, and they're recalling very vivid memories of a dog they lost in childhood, for example.

  6. 13:40 – 15:57

    Is This Biological or Spiritual?

    1. SB

      So do you think this is a biological, physiological thing in their brain, a bunch of chemicals that are s-sloshing around, or do you think it is spiritual?

    2. CK

      I'm also a PhD in neurobiology. I spent five, six years studying the brain, so I, I, I, um, I'm drawn to that. No one knows, and I, I'm good with that. I, I think you could [chuckles] you point to parts of the brain here and say, you know, love lives in the certain areas. Certain neurotransmitters, you know, are correlated with happiness. You can take all the pieces, and you can't make the whole. I can't show you where love is. I can't recreate love in a dish, and I rec- can't create this. I think it really goes beyond brain function into something else.

    3. SB

      So you think it is spiritual then?

    4. CK

      I do, very much, yeah.

    5. SB

      Do you believe there is a soul?

    6. CK

      Yes.

    7. SB

      And so you would posit, I guess, that lives beyond the physiology of the human body and brain?

    8. CK

      Yes.

    9. SB

      Half of Americans say a dead relative has visited them.

    10. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    11. SB

      And the answer here that has that 53% of votes is, have you ever felt a dead family member visit you in a dream or in any other form? And 53% of people say they have.

    12. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SB

      34% say in the past year they felt the presence of a dead family member, and 28% say in the past year they've told dead family members about events in their life.

    14. CK

      Mm-hmm. Yeah. We remain connected.

    15. SB

      15% say in the past year they've had a dead family member communicate with them.

    16. CK

      Mm-hmm. All the data has always suggested that at least in this country, there's a higher degree of spiritual orientation than you would expect. But that's b- always been the case.

    17. SB

      When people are in their last days, do they become more religious and more spiritual?

    18. CK

      Yes. We know it because of w- of what they focus on. They tend to think about these big things, and again, they tend to be about relationships. They ask these better questions. We've looked at this question of religion, and we've, um, have not found that being, having a religious belief changes how you experience these end of life events. It just doesn't seem

  7. 15:57 – 16:58

    Are Dying Patients Just Delirious?

    1. CK

      to matter.

    2. SB

      And most dying patients report end of life dreams and visions. The stat- stats here show that 80% of healthcare professionals have witnessed or told, been told of one. This, uh, I didn't realize it was so many people that are having these end of life dreams and visions. I didn't realize it was 80%. And, and you know, again, we, p- people might think this is because of delirium, because of their illness.

    3. CK

      No, it, it's a good question, and that's what our studies did that was smart, is we sorted out the patients who were delirious. So we screened them every day before they did a questionnaire. Again, these are approved by a university, so it has to be witnessed, you have to have consent, you have to be cognitively intact. So before they did our questionnaire, every day they had to get a screen for delirium, and these events don't resemble delirium. Delirium is very disorganized, and the biggest difference is most people are left frightened or distressed by delirium. These events are recalled with acuity, they're based on real happenings, and they're left with a feeling of comfort, not distress or fear.

    4. SB

      Acuity?

    5. CK

      Acuity. Their sharpness.

  8. 16:58 – 18:18

    The Biggest Misconceptions About Death

    1. SB

      What are the other sort of fundamental misunderstandings people have about death that you've spent your career trying to confront and reverse?

    2. CK

      Oh, there are many. Dying is a process. Death is a moment. It changes o- over time. The big myths are that pain is expected or anticipated, and that's actually not true. Pain isn't, and the pain that is there can be resolved. The other misconceptions around eating and drinking, people stop eating and drinking. It doesn't hurt. They're not eating and drinking because they're, they're dying. Something happens in nature that we don't die and want, uh, so it just kind of dwindles. And dying is really like, um, a dimming of the shades. It's gradual. You start to l- lose function, do less. If you have the flu, you know to go to bed. It just doesn't pay to do. Sleep is preferred, and most people die in sleep. The, the key is to die you have to be able to sleep well, but to sleep well you have to be comfortable, and what people tend to think is to be comfortable, it means you need to be physically comfortable. But you also need to be psychologically at peace, existentially at peace. So the holy grail for us, the vital sign that matters for us is comfortable sleep because you can't sleep if you're in discomfort, and you can't die if you can't

  9. 18:18 – 19:11

    Do People Really Have Regrets When They Die?

    1. CK

      sleep.

    2. SB

      There's that famous study by Bronnie Ware, who I think was a palliative nurse in Australia, who interviewed people on their last days and asked them about their regrets.

    3. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      Have you ever done any research like that to understand?

    5. CK

      No, and I, and I really have trouble with the study.

    6. SB

      Really?

    7. CK

      Yeah. First of all, it wasn't empiric, right? It was, it was conver- based off of conversations, and that's not my experience. I don't see people bringing up regret towards the end of their life. Now, if you ask people what if they had regrets, I'm sure they would give you an answer. It's like if I asked you, "What's your favorite color?" You have an answer.

    8. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    9. CK

      But you don't go around thinking, "Oh, this is my favorite color."

    10. SB

      Sure.

    11. CK

      So regrets, and this shows in our quantifiable study, don't come to the surface, actually. A lot of that gets let go of. I can honestly say I've done this for nearly 30 years, and that's not what I hear.

  10. 19:11 – 21:23

    What Dying Patients Actually Care About

    1. SB

      So let's, um, take a look at this, 'cause I think this is quite important. And I, funnily enough, had this conversation with my fiancé yesterday when we were talking about what actually matters in life. So here we have 11 things that medical students say they think will matter to a dying patient at the end of their life.

    2. CK

      Yes, exactly.

    3. SB

      And then you're gonna tell me what actually mattered when you did an empirical peer-reviewed study and asking patients with days to live what actually-

    4. CK

      Sure

    5. SB

      ... mattered to them.

    6. CK

      Well, the first one the hospice patient cares about is not being a burden. They become selfless. They don't wanna tax their family. They don't want their illness to compromise their life. They wanna spend time with them, but they don't want to, to, to interfere with their living. You would think as people are close nearing the end of their life, they would become more and more self-focused, and they become other focused. And what's really interesting is actually this aligns well with the science of happiness work, right? Which says that the happier people derive meaning from doing for others rather than doing for self.

    7. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    8. CK

      These better features kind of come to life at the end.

    9. SB

      If I've got a relative who's passing away, if this is the thing they care about most, not being a burden-

    10. CK

      Mm-hmm

    11. SB

      ... is there something I can do as the loved one or the relative to ease this concern for them?

    12. CK

      Oh, I think it's r- aligning your wishes with their hope, which is your wish is you actually wanna be a presence.

    13. SB

      And you, and letting them know that you're not a burden.

    14. CK

      Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

    15. SB

      They're not a burden.

    16. CK

      Yeah.

    17. SB

      Okay. Number two.

    18. CK

      They want time.

    19. SB

      Okay. So they wanna be around their friends and family.

    20. CK

      Yeah. Yeah.

    21. SB

      That's what they care about. Okay.

    22. CK

      Again, it's, it-- fundamental here is just relationships, right? That's what it's about.

    23. SB

      And the medical students thought it would be?

    24. CK

      Feeling their life was meaningful. [chuckles]

    25. SB

      Again, this-

    26. CK

      I think this is wonderful. This is one that fascinates me the most. So you're in your 20s, and you're on this journey of development and, and that you've had this impact of some sort. The door shut, and they're not living in the rear view mirror, and they're not wondering whether they had, have meaning or

  11. 21:23 – 26:33

    Are We Chasing the Wrong Things in Life?

    1. CK

      not.

    2. SB

      This is very relevant 'cause me and my, um, fiancé were in the car the other day, and we-- it was yesterday, and we were talking about this, and she turned to me and said like, "What's your why?" And having sat here on this podcast with a guest a couple of weeks ago who asked me to close my eyes and imagined it was the last day of my life, the only thing that mattered in that moment was who was around my bed-

    3. CK

      Mm-hmm

    4. SB

      ... and what they thought of me, and were they safe and secure.

    5. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SB

      And it, it didn't dawn on me in that moment where I visualized being on my deathbed, my legacy or the impact I'd had or the achievements I'd accomplished. It's made me really reconsider what my why is. 'Cause really if in the last moments of my life, what I'm concerned about is who stood there and what they think of me, and when I say what they think of me, it's like, do my kids think Dad was a good man, and did he leave us with lessons and principles-

    7. CK

      Mm-hmm

    8. SB

      ... that we, so we can live a good life too? That seems to be most important. So it was just interesting 'cause we go through life and we read Instagram and LinkedIn and it tells us like, "What's your why? What's your legacy? What impact do you wanna have on the world? What's your purpose? What's your passion?" And these are all things that are very self-focused. But actually it appears to me as you've described, that actually in those moments it's about others.

    9. CK

      Yeah, I mean, and, and, and there's good work on this, right? Is, is, uh, the brain's ability to predict what makes us happy is horribly wrong. What we predict makes us happy is never sustainable, right? And what's important is to kinda de-want what matters.

    10. SB

      De-want what matters?

    11. CK

      Yeah, because w-

    12. SB

      What does that mean?

    13. CK

      Well, well, we're on this treadmill of things that we think are gonna make us happy. [chuckles]

    14. SB

      Job promotion.

    15. CK

      Yeah. Yeah.

    16. SB

      Car.

    17. CK

      And they're not sustainable things, and that's proven over and over and over and over again. Belonging, connection, meaning, those, those are the things that... I mean, we're fundamentally meant to belong to one another. If you think of the best version of yourself, it was never achieving something. It was being a son, it was being a brother, it was being a friend, it was being a fiancé or boyfriend, whatever. It's those things that make us important. And ultimately what you find out of this research is the n-enormous value of interdependency, and that's the whole deal, whether it's in the physical world, the natural world, the ecosystems. But as humans, we're, we're meant to be inter-interdependent and that's most clear in moments of vulnerability. So you posed yourself the question, kinda last day stuff. You're immediately vulnerable.

    18. SB

      Yeah. Yeah.

    19. CK

      Right? And what you did is you pulled in all these other people that matter to you.

    20. SB

      Yeah.

    21. CK

      Because we're defined only by our relationships. That's the only surviving thing, not by these other things that seem in a transient sense important, and that bears this out. And what's beautiful is their concern shifts from self, and I mean hope changes in that way, right? It's hope for cure, then just hope for others. It's just this really wonderful s-story about who we are.

    22. SB

      It's interesting 'cause y- the things you're saying a lot, a lot of people will sort of intellectually understand and believe that it's about the relationships in these last moments, but therefore it's about relationships through our life. But then when you look at how we allocate our time on a weekly, monthly basis-

    23. CK

      ... proportionate

    24. SB

      There's a disconnect

    25. CK

      Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah

    26. SB

      Because we're, we're allocating our time towards accomplishment or achievement or money or promotions or cars, whatever

    27. CK

      Yeah

    28. SB

      But then in the final hour, it's all about something else. And if I even-

    29. CK

      Yeah

    30. SB

      ... reviewed the allocation of my time this week and day, I'd be like, "Well..."

  12. 26:33 – 27:36

    Is Dying Painful?

    1. SB

      Okay. So medical students thought the third would be pain symptom management-

    2. CK

      Yep

    3. SB

      ... and according to your hospice patients-

    4. CK

      Yep

    5. SB

      ... they agree.

    6. CK

      They got that one right. Yep.

    7. SB

      And what does that mean? That's just their concern is not being in pain.

    8. CK

      Yeah. I, I mean, unfortunately, there's not a lot of conversation about what to expect. We just completed a study on this. If you were told you had a terminal disease, I guarantee one of your first overwhelming thoughts is, uh, suffering.

    9. SB

      Yeah.

    10. CK

      And unfortunately, it's damning how little conversations there are to address that issue in terms of what to expect, when to expect it, what you're gonna feel s- and reassure people. And these honest conversations actually don't take away hope. They restore agency.

    11. SB

      So what is the misunderstanding?

    12. CK

      Oh my gosh, that it's far worse than [laughs] people think, that there isn't a pain, rarely a pain we can't manage.

    13. SB

      It's less painful than people think.

    14. CK

      Oh gosh, by a mile. Yeah. That's probably the, the biggest myth.

    15. SB

      About death and dying.

    16. CK

      100%. And honestly, it, it's compounded by the fact that doctors don't have these discussions.

  13. 27:36 – 28:36

    How Dying Patients Find Peace

    1. SB

      Okay. So number four, in terms of what hospice patients say matters most to them

    2. CK

      Peace with God.

    3. SB

      Being at peace with God. Hmm. And pr- presumably just the religious ones, right?

    4. CK

      Uh, no. It's peace with a belief of something larger. I've asked patients this, and they'll say what I would say is that I don't know. It, it's an existential feeling that doesn't necessarily have to be attributed to a belief or a god.

    5. SB

      Now, is it because they're concerned they're gonna go to hell or that they're gonna go-

    6. CK

      No, I don't hear-

    7. SB

      ... they, they don't know?

    8. CK

      I don't hear that. I'm sure there was a time when judgment, the role of judgment played in, but just to be at peace-

    9. SB

      What does that mean?

    10. CK

      ... with the universe existentially.

    11. SB

      And i- is there a way to become at peace that, that patients will ask for?

    12. CK

      I don't h- hear, but I, I imagine it's to ask for forgiveness in part.

    13. SB

      And the medical students you interviewed thought number four would be being mentally aware.

    14. CK

      Yes. And that does come up, right? So here we are.

    15. SB

      That's number five-

    16. CK

      Yes

    17. SB

      ... in what hospice... Okay.

  14. 28:36 – 31:31

    How Modern Medicine Has Changed the Way We Die

    1. CK

      And then the next is, is dying at home. And this is tragic because 80% of Americans wanna die at home and about 30% do.

    2. SB

      Why is that?

    3. CK

      It, it's really reflective of, of mostly our, our medicalization of dying. As a country, we, uh, under-invest in care for at home so that people end up having to go into the hospital, and the death that they fear is the one they get. The more tertiary or advanced the hospital is, the more aggressive treatment there is. It's part of the death-defying approach of medicine. There's always something you can do. Uh, they die in units, and they die in those sort of... And the irony is the more they get, it actually hasn't been shown to enhance life, but-

    4. SB

      The more what they get?

    5. CK

      The more care, more aggressive care they get when they're dying.

    6. SB

      So you're saying that we, we kinda drag it out a bit unnecessarily sometimes.

    7. CK

      I think medicine does its best to defy death, and unfortunately, it, it often denies it even when it's obvious and when things have become futile. And if medicine can't appreciate death when it's objectively there, they're certainly not gonna pay attention to the experience of the dying. And I think it's complicated, but we've lost our way with dying. You know, dying used to be in the home and in the community in connection to our church, and in the last 100 years, it's become institutionalized. So death is now like a rumor. [laughs] You know, it's something that happens somewhere down the line, probably to somebody else, but it's not proximate to us like it used to be. So you take all these factors together, the fact that we've institutionalized dying, the fact that medicine's becomes, you know, technically focused and no longer artful. We don't-- It's not okay to be there for presence. I mean, people can't die of old age anymore. You know, you d- you gotta have about five diagnoses. So it's lost its grace. It's lost its humanity.

    8. SB

      So if someone knows they're gonna die, you would recommend they usually didn't come to a hospice and they-

    9. CK

      No, I g- get into a hospice so you can die at home. So s-

    10. SB

      Oh, versus it. Okay

    11. CK

      So hospice is more likely to align your wish to an outcome Hospice is this, it developed out of our communities as, uh, as an answer, as a rebuttal to the way dying were traditionally treated in a hospital

    12. SB

      Yeah. So what is it about dying in a hospital that is worse than dying at home?

    13. CK

      I don't know where to begin. What matters to the dying patient, um, is familiarity, to be connected, to be where they live, th- the things that make them comfortable, the people they love. They don't wanna be woken in the night. They don't wanna be poked. They don't want IVs. They don't want another scan. It goes down to what will make you comfortable, what matters to you in the end, and being at home with your people is what matters to people.

  15. 31:31 – 32:38

    Making Peace With People Before You Die

    1. SB

      Makes sense. So number seven, having care directives followed. What does that mean?

    2. CK

      And making sure that what you want to happen is going to happen.

    3. SB

      Okay.

    4. CK

      Yeah. And this one is res- this is interesting, I think, resolving conflicts.

    5. SB

      So medical students who are asked about what matters most to those that are dying, they ranked the seventh thing that would matter as resolving conflicts.

    6. CK

      Mm-hmm. And what's interesting is these two, right, is, uh, was life meaningful and resolving conflicts. And the dying patient's kinda all good. Th- th- they, they don't wanna be a p- they're not a problem to be solved.

    7. SB

      That's inter- you're right. That is the most interesting takeaway so far-

    8. CK

      Yeah

    9. SB

      ... is living people think the dying will be really concerned with legacy and what they accomplished and-

    10. CK

      Yeah

    11. SB

      ... did they have any beef with anybody. But dying patients-

    12. CK

      And, and, and that's why I have trouble with that regret literature, okay? Because that's not what they're saying. They're not focused really on the, the negative aspects of having lived, right? They're trying to preserve what makes them them, and what makes them them is their family and being in their home and being at peace with their God.

  16. 32:38 – 33:36

    Lessons From the Dying You Can Use Today

    1. SB

      I mean, that speaks to what we should be thinking about in our lives day to day to some degree.

    2. CK

      Well, and again, there's a bridge between these two things. It's not that actually m- the idea that this changes in death actually isn't all that true. I think we're aware of it in dying. Dr. Santos at Yale does this wonderful work on happiness. If you go upstream and you do good s- you do that, like her sort of work on happiness, you reveal a lot of these same truths.

    3. SB

      Well, we also live in a commercialized world where we're exposed to marketing, and we're told what matters every day when we turn on the TV or open our phones.

    4. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    5. SB

      And we're told that the Louis Vuitton bag matters, where we clap when someone gets the promotion. So there is an element of sort of socialization that orientates our values towards being more materialistic and I guess shallow to some degree.

    6. CK

      Those things are transient and non-sustaining. And one of the things that comes out of this happiness work is the, uh, the, the importance of savoring and savoring things of worth, like our

  17. 33:36 – 38:57

    Facing Extreme Regret at the End of Life

    1. CK

      relationships.

    2. SB

      Are there any people that were days from their own passing that were truly unhappy because of the way that they'd lived their lives?

    3. CK

      Yeah, you die how you live, right? You can't reinvent it. It's not rainbows and flowers. I've certainly seen that, and I've written about them, and, uh, they're people who, um, had done wrong, and they were fearful of dying.

    4. SB

      Fearful of what?

    5. CK

      Well, in, in several cases they had been raised Catholic, and they were worried about judgment. In the one case was actually a police officer, so he thought that he, 'cause he had been raised with confession, that he had to tell everybody all the horrible things he did wrong. And it was kinda interesting. We had a reporter from The New York Times, and [chuckles] she got an earful. He just had to be cathartic and say everything. He was trying to unleash his sins. But it's very rare.

    6. SB

      In that case, you've got a police officer unleashing their sins.

    7. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    8. SB

      Could that not result in legal consequences if they say things that...

    9. CK

      Yeah, [chuckles] you'd think so because he talked about beating up witnesses and things like that. I never thought of that, but it's certainly true.

    10. SB

      And nothing was done about that?

    11. CK

      No. And unfort- what was interesting is we had a criminal, a li- a guy who had spent more time in his, in prison than out at the same time, and actually he's on film. And he had regrets, true, but they got addressed at the end.

    12. SB

      What do you mean?

    13. CK

      Well, it's one of the most beautiful things. So about 12% of our patients report dreams that are distressing or uncomfortable. They're not all comfortable. And again, it's not surprising. You're gonna die the way you lived. And, and what we got wrong was those are sometimes the most transformational. Those are the ones where they find healing.

    14. SB

      He had a dream about some of the bad things he'd done.

    15. CK

      Oh, yeah.

    16. SB

      And that-

    17. CK

      Caused a transformation. He, he, Dwayne h-

    18. SB

      And he'd committed crimes in his life?

    19. CK

      Oh, yeah.

    20. SB

      What kind of crimes?

    21. CK

      Two attempted murders. Uh, two murders, sorry, but both were self-defense on the street. Somebody were trying to rob him sort of thing. He had lived on the streets most of his life. But he never, again, he never reckoned with the things he had done wrong, and this is his reckoning.

    22. SB

      And how m- many days was this before he passed away?

    23. CK

      12.

    24. SB

      12 days.

    25. SP

      My dreams, man, you know, my nightmares, I don't like 'em. I think it's because my, my past is coming back to me-

    26. SB

      Mm-hmm

    27. SP

      ... you know, from doing wrong.

    28. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    29. SP

      Because I'm not gonna say I'm the perfect guy when I was out there-

    30. SB

      Mm-hmm

  18. 38:57 – 41:06

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    1. SB

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  19. 41:06 – 42:42

    Do Dying People Want More Time?

    1. SB

      So back to our board of things that actually mattered.

    2. CK

      Sure.

    3. SB

      We're on number seven. Number eight.

    4. CK

      Feeling that life was meaningful.

    5. SB

      So just to g- zoom out once again on this, were they given 11 options or were they given lots of options?

    6. CK

      Lots of options.

    7. SB

      Okay, and these are the 11 that they actually picked?

    8. CK

      Mm-hmm. Yep.

    9. SB

      Okay, so number eight is they cared that life was meaningful, but this is particularly low-

    10. CK

      Yeah

    11. SB

      ... relative to the others.

    12. CK

      It's low, yeah. And so is this one, living as long as possible. Mm-hmm. And you wanna know what? I've never had a dying patient say, "I wanna live as long as possible." What they want to do is live as well as they can as long as they can. But unless you've been sick, y- y- y- that's not the goal. Which is antithetical to the way m- medical world looks at patients, right, is that we g- we keep going at all costs.

    13. SB

      I mean, there's some stats that I was reading here about how many years people spend sick on average. I think it, it was in the United States, if I have the stats right. Yeah, it says up to sort of 11 years of our lives are lived in poor health.

    14. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    15. SB

      So although our health span is, you know, in the Western Pacific 68 years or in Europe 66 years, we spend about a decade in poor health.

    16. CK

      Yeah.

    17. SB

      And actually, what you're saying to me is that people care more about their health span, how many years of good health they have, versus their lifespan-

    18. CK

      Right

    19. SB

      ... which is just how many years they're alive.

    20. CK

      Yeah, and I think that's a perspective that's very hard to understand in health. But it's hard work being sick, you know? And it's hard on those you love, so it makes sense to

  20. 42:42 – 43:44

    Is the Longevity Movement Missing the Point?

    1. CK

      me.

    2. SB

      What about this, um, obviously a big subject at the moment is this longevity movement.

    3. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    4. SB

      People wanting to extend life and live forever and all these kinds of things. What is your perspective of seeing, of interviewing thousands of people that are dying? How has it shaped your perspective on longevity?

    5. CK

      I think that there's a risk of some illusion There was an article in Science recently, 55% of lifespan is determined by genetics, and it doesn't leave you immune from circumstances of disease and whatnot. I worry a lot, um, of the lack of evidence around some of the efforts, and I think the focus really needs to be on living well. And if you look at the Blue Zone folks, I mean, that little old lady in Japan or Italy isn't waking up in a cold plunge and measuring her creatinine. She's just l- l- living well. They move, they eat more plants, they're highly social. They take time to down-gear through prayer, meditation, what ha- music, whatever.

  21. 43:44 – 44:24

    What Determines a Peaceful Death

    1. SB

      When you think about all the people you've met who were days from their death, are there some who were more at peace with it because they had accomplished more? Like what, what was-

    2. CK

      No

    3. SB

      ... what, what is the corollatory in terms of those that were most at peace with leaving the, this planet?

    4. CK

      The love given and received, that's the only thing that matters. I, I, I've seen people who have led remarkably simple lives, but they were pure in, in the love that they were able to experience.

    5. SB

      And so they were happier to leave.

    6. CK

      Oh, yeah. You wanna live in a way that, uh, that you can die well, and, and, and that means loving well.

  22. 44:24 – 46:47

    What Happens When People Die Alone

    1. SB

      And have you experienced the opposite, where someone had nobody there?

    2. CK

      Oh, [sighs] um, I've had some very bad experiences. People who were... One of them I've written about, who was taken as a child into a home situation that was really for kids with a lot of complexity and had never seen or experienced love, and the emptiness she felt. I, I never forget what she said to me. She was watching somebody kiss on a screen and she goes, "You know, I look at that, I've never understood that." And her dying w- was empty, um, and regretful.

    3. SB

      What do you mean? Take me into the loneliness.

    4. CK

      Just that she never-- She knew she never was lo- she ne- she was denied love, denied love by parents. She was misused by men. So what she knew of love hurt her, and she was aware enough, uh, to know that.

    5. SB

      And there was no one there when she passed away?

    6. CK

      No. No. It's interesting, though. She had one very interesting dream. She had a man who had wanted to marry her, but she had been so taken advantage of that she was doubtful, and as soon as he asked her, she moved out of their apartment-

    7. SB

      Hmm

    8. CK

      ... and as a way to self-protect.

    9. SB

      Yeah.

    10. CK

      At the end of her life, he came to her and told her, um, that he really did love her. So she was s- she was shown some version of it that, that, that was soothing to her. Um, and that was it.

    11. SB

      A lot of people, because of sort of early traumas, are somewhat avoidant of love.

    12. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SB

      You explained that she moved out of the apartment when someone tried to propose to her. I can almost relate to some degree.

    14. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    15. SB

      I, I remember my early years of my, in my early teens, I was extremely avoidant of commitment or relationships or whatever. And I remember this particular person turning around to me after I'd pursued them for four years, telling me that they would now wanna be in a relationship with me, and I remember immediately dissuading them after pursuing them for four years.

    16. CK

      [chuckles] Careful what you ask for sort of thing.

    17. SB

      Yeah. But, but it also-

    18. CK

      [laughs]

    19. SB

      ... a lot of it roots back to our, our early models of love and connection and relationships, so-

    20. CK

      Right

    21. SB

      ... were we modeled it in a healthy way.

    22. CK

      Right.

    23. SB

      And this kind of brings me to the point around sort of overcoming trauma and wounds.

  23. 46:47 – 48:11

    How Dying Brings Unresolved Trauma to the Surface

    1. SB

      How does the, the, the process of dying help us confront our earliest traumas or the traumas that have held us back in our lives? Have you seen evidence of that?

    2. CK

      Oh, lots. I've seen it in this end of life process, and again, I think this is the most meaningful, for me personally, the most meaningful ones that I witness. So I've seen a man who had lost his arm at the age of eight, and he was from a, an impoverished family, and developmentally, his whole identity was how was he gonna be independent and, uh, be able to be a provider, et cetera. And at the end of his life, he sees himself lying in a bed, and everyone who he worked with came by him and told him he was the best worker they had known. A mother whose child was in prison for drug offenses, and her, her identity as a mother is being questioned. And at the end of her life, her parents come to her and tell her she's loved and she was a good parent.

    3. SB

      In a vision?

    4. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    5. SB

      Not, not physically?

    6. CK

      No.

    7. SB

      Okay.

    8. CK

      No, but again, there's something in us that's innate that can heal these kind of broken pieces of us at the end that make us whole. So a lot of... A- again, I, I come back to it, the most inspiring people are the people who have been harmed, and often from no s- nothing of their own doing, but that find peace in the end.

  24. 48:11 – 50:53

    Is There Life After Death?

    1. SB

      Do you think there is life after death?

    2. CK

      Hmm.

    3. SB

      'Cause one train of thought is that, you know, our bodies go into the ground or we're cremated, and then we become dust and then the trees, you know, we become part of the trees and the bees and the birds, and that's it.

    4. CK

      Yeah, I don't think we go on in a physical form, but I go back to this idea that there's this shared, seems to be this shared consciousness, that the love that we've experienced at early in life... And it's very interesting, it tends to be those who loved us unconditionally and the other ones kinda go by the wayside. They're, they're inseparable from us, and they become more present to us as we're leaving our physical form. So it does suggest that there's some sort of collective consciousness that goes on. And back to your survey on the bereaved, the fact that that many people feel that they're accessed by those who have passed is interesting. How do you see that?

    5. SB

      I think that consciousness is a really fascinating thing. You know, I've interviewed lots of people on this subject, and I never really thought of consciousness as a thing before, but I've got a couple of hypotheses around what consciousness might be. None of them I can say I necessarily believe, but I remember one particular, I think it was a physicist, telling me that he thinks maybe consciousness is the way that the universe understands itself. And he hypothesized to me that consciousness breaks itself into lots of little pieces, into fish at the bottom of the ocean-

    6. CK

      Yeah, yeah

    7. SB

      ... and human beings that walk the land and birds that see from the sky. And it's consciousness's way of under- of learning about itself and understanding itself. It breaks itself into these living organisms. So you send some of them to the bottom of the oceans and some of them to the top of the mountains, and they all explore. And it maybe explains why humans, but all animals, are so fascinated by novelty. The reason we go on holidays is because we wanna have new experiences. We, we go and look up in awe at things we've never seen before, like mountains. And-

    8. CK

      Mm-hmm

    9. SB

      ... it's interesting. You know, I was telling the story about being in, I think, Gibraltar or Malta or whatever it was, and driving down the street after I'd had this conversation with this physicist and, and looking at tourists in a completely new light because tourists are stood there for 10 minutes or an hour staring at something they've never seen before. And it's just, it's interesting to me that that's part of the, the animal experience is this fascination with things we haven't seen. So maybe this hypothesis that consciousness is this central source that breaks into lots of pieces and goes off into existence to understand itself is a, you know, is a plausible, not completely indefensible, but plausible idea, and then maybe when I die, I go, I return back to the source of consciousness.

    10. CK

      I like my version better.

    11. SB

      Yeah.

  25. 50:53 – 51:35

    Psychedelics at the End of Life

    1. SB

      [laughs]

    2. CK

      And you know what's interesting-

    3. SB

      Yeah

    4. CK

      ... is that you should look at is the work that's done with psychedelics in dying patients.

    5. SB

      Tell me about that.

    6. CK

      Basically, when they give psychedelic drugs, which indigenous people have been doing for thousands of years, they come back structurally altered. First of all, their fear of dying dissipates, and they tend to see themselves as something larger, immersed within and connected to, uh, to life at large. But they d- they, they're at peace in a beautiful way. So they have this heightened awareness, and they come back differently, and they die differently. And that's like with this work, they die differently.

  26. 51:35 – 52:45

    Should We Worry About Having Regrets?

    1. SB

      So back to our board here, what was the tenth thing? What matters most to people at the end of their life? Having finances in order. Hmm, interesting.

    2. CK

      And the last one is resolving conflicts. And that's where I have trouble with the idea of regret.

    3. SB

      Yeah, because it's not that important to people.

    4. CK

      So if, so now invert this. So if you went to people and said, "Do you have conflicts?" They'd go, "Yeah, I have conflicts." Or, "Do you have regrets?" "Yeah, I have them." But when you actually rank order them as priorities, it's not relevant.

    5. SB

      Hmm. Very interesting. Very, very interesting. It's definitely changed my mind 'cause you're right, because we, you know, we go and talk, we talk about regrets at the end of your life and regret generally so often we end up misunderstanding that to mean that regrets are the most important thing and that you need to live your life in a way where you don't have regrets. But actually, you're saying that having spoken to those that are dying, living their life free from regret seems to be quite low in their priorities at that moment.

    6. CK

      Well, I think it, it's a symptom of our times, right? Which we, we become introspective and self-analytical. So if you, if you ask these questions, they're gonna come up, but in the, in the lived experiences, are they actually relevant?

  27. 52:45 – 53:20

    What Caring for the Dying Taught Me

    1. SB

      So we have these six handwritten cards.

    2. CK

      Um, so these are the lessons I've learned from actually caring for dying patients, and probably the one that stands out the most is that love endures after physical loss.

    3. SB

      Love endures after physical loss.

    4. CK

      So the idea that, um, and this is really what our sh- research bears out, which is that people who have been lost often decades earlier are there for us at the end, and that that part of that dying process is this reunion with and to them, um, so that that survives.

  28. 53:20 – 58:59

    How to Cope When Someone You Love Dies

    1. SB

      And on that point, it's probably a good time to touch on the subject of grief-

    2. CK

      Mm-hmm

    3. SB

      ... and how the dying process impacts the grief that those left behind experience.

    4. CK

      Yeah. Uh, and we've done a lot of work on, on this and, and a long story short is that how people die, um, absolutely affects our bereavement. How we witness that changes our, our bereavement, and it's measurable. So people who have had these experiences, who have watched their loved one reconnect, grieve very differently, and it's measurable actually in grief, how they re- re- remember, how they recall, how they get through obstacles, how they heal.

    5. SB

      So if I wanna grieve in the most healthy way-

    6. CK

      Mm-hmm

    7. SB

      ... what dying experience is most conducive with that?

    8. CK

      Oh, s- seeing that loved one as rich in love rather than empty and defined by their physical dimensions. And I don't know if it would help, do you wanna show the video of Jennifer?

    9. SB

      Sure.

    10. CK

      This is an interesting video for a couple of reasons, because these end of life events are not these great epiphanies or re- revelations. They're just about very real moments that are symbolic, usually of a relationship. And she's describing her partner, Patrick, who's at the end of his life, and he has these experiences, but she describes what it means to her.

    11. SP

      Patrick was the only member of his family that knows how to make the sauce. And for all the years I knew him, he insisted something was missing. After his grandmother had passed. After she had passed. This would be the Sunday before he passed. He woke up in the morning, and I couldn't get him to eat. He wasn't hungry, total loss of ap- appetite. And I'm like, "Baby, we gotta make you something for breakfast. What do you want?" He goes, "I'm full I s- "Pat, you had a Snack Pack pudding yesterday. You're not full." And he's like, "Oh, no, I ate with, with Nana Dolores last night." He believed he made sauce with his grandmother the night before, said he could smell it, he could still taste it, he was full from it, and she showed him after all these years what he had done wrong, which is the very last step before you take it off the burner was to add a teaspoon of sugar. We spent the next seven and a half hours, 'cause that's how long it takes, making his grandmother's sauce. He added the sugar. Last time Patrick ever ate. Every morning he woke up saying, "Is today the day I'm gonna die?" And I said, "You'll go when you're ready." And he was ready.

    12. SP

      Did that dream help, help you accept that reality further?

    13. SP

      Absolutely.

    14. SP

      Yeah?

    15. SP

      Absolutely. And, um, n- not only the reality that he is gone, it's made me think of maybe there is something out there after we go.

    16. CK

      So how she remembers him in death was that he was put back together by being with those he loved.

    17. SB

      So if I know that one of my relatives is gonna pass away-

    18. CK

      Mm-hmm

    19. SB

      ... what should I be doing to... 'Cause, you know, my first instinct in that scenario is to protect my family from the grief of it, to make sure that the grief process is as healthy as it can possibly be. And I'm not trying to, you know, deny grief in any way, 'cause I know that it's kind of unavoidable from everything I've read. But is there things we can do as a family to insulate us from having a really negative grieving process?

    20. CK

      Yeah. I think one is obviously communicating and being open with, with each other and with what's happening. I think one of the worst outcomes we see in when death is denied. So if you see it, if it's forecastable and it's obvious and you're proximate to us, it's less of an injury than if it's denied, denied, denied and then-

    21. SB

      And then it happens.

    22. CK

      Yes. And we see so much of that in medicine.

    23. SB

      So this is a rule for life, which is acceptance.

    24. CK

      Oh, gosh, yeah. A third of our patients that come into hospice are dead in seven days. They didn't just didn't start dying seven days. They became aware of it.

    25. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    26. CK

      So what we do is w- we refer to this as medical harm. We deny them and separate them and deny their reality, so they're left to figure it out suddenly and acutely, and that injury is... Th- it-- you're robbing people of their agency, their time to spend the way they want, to have the conversations they need to have, and the impact to the bereaved is enormous.

    27. SB

      So acceptance, number one. Anything else?

    28. CK

      Yeah, uh, presence.

    29. SB

      Presence.

    30. CK

      And it used to be this way. It used to be death was in the home and it was in the community. It was shared, and that shared grief is, is wonderful because we're meant to be mutually supportive. The opposite is a sterilized death, so in an intensive care unit, in a gown. You know, d- anything that dehumanizes the process of dying is injurious.

  29. 58:59 – 1:03:30

    Losing My Father

    1. SB

      This was your father? Passed away when you were-

    2. CK

      Yeah, I was 12.

    3. SB

      You were 12 and he was 41?

    4. CK

      42, I think, yeah.

    5. SB

      42. He passed away of-

    6. CK

      Cancer

    7. SB

      ... cancer. In what way was this formative?

    8. CK

      Well, I, I think it, it, it shaped life in certainly ways that I wouldn't have chosen, um, and that I don't understand. The one thing was that, uh, you know, that, that sort of loss at that sort of-- at that point in your life changed the trajectory of your life. You, you just... You don't just lose the person, you lose the world the way it's supposed to be. And for my-- for me, my world went off the tracks pretty badly. It was a pretty bumpy road. But, you know, i-- and it's so unusual because the last time I saw him, he was having one of these end-of-life experiences. I still can't make sense of it all because then after he died for many years, I could never speak his name. I couldn't, certainly couldn't talk about the last time I saw him. So the irony that the thing I could never ta- talk about i- is the thing that I now share with millions of people. I feel like I'm getting punked. Like, I, I, I, I didn't mean for this to happen. And you wonder though, you know, that sort of loss does change you, right? It, it changes what you're sensitive to in others, what you see in others, what you feel from others, how you wanna help.

    9. SB

      Does, does grief ever go away?

    10. CK

      Uh-uh.

    11. SB

      It doesn't.

    12. CK

      I think grief, uh, there's a period where grief is unbearable and it's like having this rock in your pocket. You know it's there and other times you forget it. You lose the person in the physical form, but they still relate to you in other ways. It changes how you see the world for having known them, so they continue on in some way. We talk about grief in terms of what we lose, but not necessarily what remains and a lot of that person remains and, and, and, and that's remembered. And I think Grief is probably one of the most illuminating things that can happen in your life. It changes your life, the circumstances. I wouldn't be talking to you if I hadn't lost my father as a boy, for example. Wouldn't happen because a chain of events took place.

    13. SB

      And you've interviewed 750 grieving families.

    14. CK

      Mm-hmm. You know, I think there's a great expression that, you know, the, the trick is, the art is, is to carry grief in one hand, gratitude in the other, and be stretched by both. You know, you don't deny the grief, but you learn how to be grateful and somewhere, um, there's peace there.

    15. SB

      When you interviewed those 750 grieving families, did you notice a difference between those that really carried the grief well versus those that didn't carry it so well?

    16. CK

      Yeah. But, but we were looking at a very specific question. We were looking at families who had seen these end of life experiences, and the best example I can give you is, so you have a couple and they've been married for six decades, and part of their shared life was losing a child, an infant, and the spouse is looking down at his loved one in the bed, the woman in the bed, and she, in, in her inner experiences, is holding this deceased child and she's at peace. And that, that, well, one, it connects all lives, right? Living and dead, but it reframes dying from something that could be empty and only defined by its physical dimensionality, what you're seeing, and it shows that it can be rich in meaning and love. Because the question always is when you care for these families is when that patient becomes nonverbal, when you become disconnected from them, is the question is where are they and how are they? And if you're seeing that, that changes how you experience their loss and it informs how you bereave. You view it very

  30. 1:03:30 – 1:04:58

    Ads

    1. CK

      differently.

    2. SB

      I've done almost 700 interviews with some of the most interesting people in the world, and one of the things you learn, which is unexpected, is that vulnerability is the doorway to connection. And after sitting here for two, three hours with a guest, I feel a deep sense of connection to them. And as they leave, what I get them to do is to write a question in The Diary of a CEO. We've taken all of the questions from The Diary of a CEO. We have put the question here on this card with the name of the person that wrote it. So you can sit at home as I do with my fiancée and my colleagues at work and other people in my life. Whenever we get a minute, we play The Diary of a CEO conversation cards, and it is incredible what happens. These are great if you're in a romantic relationship and you wanna connect your partner more. These are also great if you're in a team and you want to bond your team together. And I have to say they're also great for families that wanna learn more about each other and that need a good excuse to spend some time in a digital world, in the analog environment, connecting human to human. It is remarkable what the right question at the right time can do. Go to thediary.com and you can get these conversation cards right now. There should be a button just down below here, and if it says subscribed, you're already subscribed. If it says subscriber, that means you're not yet. And if you're not subscribed, please could you do us a favor and hit that button? It helps the show more than you know, and according to the algorithm, you're someone that watches our show, but you haven't yet hit that button. Thank you so much.

  31. 1:04:58 – 1:07:17

    How Hope Changes as We Die

    1. SB

      So that was the first point. Love endures after physical loss.

    2. CK

      Yes.

    3. SB

      Number two.

    4. CK

      Hope never fades. It changes. And it's a very interesting thing.

    5. SB

      What does that mean? Sorry.

    6. CK

      Well, when you're diagnosed with illness, you hope for cure and then, you know, it's unbelievable, uh, how acceptance comes into play and they kind of get through that and then they hope for other things. But the hope doesn't change. It just evolves. It, it's, it's fundamental and it becomes hope I want to be comfortable, hope I want to have time with my family. It becomes all those things that they become. That's all based in hope. So hope didn't go away when they find out they're dying. It just changed shape.

    7. SB

      They just hope for something else.

    8. CK

      And then at the end, it's the most beautiful part is it becomes hope for others and that's what you hear again and again and it's just this wonderful story. Somehow we become less selfish. I found this when I was-- when I tried to get the study approved, many studies approved, the university would say, "Oh, you can't, you know, we wanna sterilize the dying. They're never going to participate. They're dying. Why would they wanna waste your time with you?" And actually they all did and they even want to be filmed. And if you think about it, there's no secondary gain. They're never gonna see-- It's like the old man that plants a tree. He's never gonna live under the shade, but somebody else is, right?

    9. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    10. CK

      And that's what, that's what we get from that. It mattered that they contributed. It mattered that they connected. It mattered that they were heard, that their words mattered, and that's a form of hope. So they've gone from cure when they were diagnosed and they let go of that, and then they think about things like comfort and having time with family. But then at the end, what they always hope for is other people.

    11. SB

      Maybe that's the essence of us.

    12. CK

      Yeah. It's, it's a, it's a better version of thinking. I think we live in a selfish space. I think we're robbed of that when you become a parent and whatnot. But I think in the end, I think it's wonderful that hope doesn't extinguish because cure has.

    13. SB

      Hmm.

    14. CK

      You know?

  32. 1:07:17 – 1:07:55

    Do People Stop Living Once They Know They’re Dying?

    1. CK

      The next is people don't stop living because they're dying. And when we did this study looking at dying analogous to post-traumatic growth, the idea that, that within a negative adverse event like war, there's positive things like camaraderie. That's what we found with this. is that people were growing and adapting, and this was measurable and significant according to post-traumatic growth scales right up into the last days of life. And it's paradoxical to the physical state. So physically they're declining, but psychologically and spiritually they're very, uh, much alive.

  33. 1:07:55 – 1:09:04

    Do We All Die Alone?

    1. SB

      Number four

    2. CK

      The dying leave us connected. This became very important, and I wrote about this during COVID because so many people were removed from their loved ones, which was an unbelievable tragedy. And what I wrote about was, you know, when they're having these inner experience, actually they're immersed and very much connected. We don't see people who have these experiences in solitary. We tend to think of dying as l- lonely and a solitary event.

    3. SB

      Yeah.

    4. CK

      And what happens is in our inner world, we're bringing people into us. We're reflecting on life, and in these end-of-life dreams and visions, we're just immersed with people who we love. So even though it looks like they may be isolated in an intensive care unit, when their eyes are closed, they're also surrounded in love. But then externally, the dying process brings people together. Lives stop. You know, that son who has a roaring job in California has to fly home to New, New York. It, it tends to stop the world, and we focus on what really matters, which is each other, and that's very clear.

  34. 1:09:04 – 1:10:20

    How Death Can Heal

    1. CK

      The dying can heal what's harmed or broken, and this happens in a multitude of ways. Um, there's that inx- external peace, whether it's making peace with their God, making peace with their family. It's amazing how many families come together and what seemed like a, a- an issue of contention goes away and dissipates, and they're able to see beyond that. It reshuffles your priorities in ways that you can't imagine. The grudge that was held onto is let go. So there's this healing process that's innate to dying. And I think internally what we see again and again and again, people who are having negative or distressing dreams and visions, they're often centered around harmful things, um, but they're often addressed, uh, within that process so that somehow-- and this is probably the most remarkable thing of all, they've lived this life with this injury, and it gets a- addressed in the end. There's almost like this final justice. People like Dwayne, you know, who has wrestled with these demons his whole life, and then at the end he's kind of made whole. Lesson number

  35. 1:10:20 – 1:12:40

    Why We Need to Stop “Fighting” Death

    1. CK

      six is there's a better story than the one we fear. And the best analogy I can give you is that famous, uh, Dylan Thomas, the famous poet. It's a message to his father who was, who was becoming blind and dying, I believe, but he was healthy. And it says, you know, basically, "Don't surrender, don't fight the dying of the light." And most of us in health can relate to this idea of the resistance of death. You know that you're gonna-- this is the enemy to be fought, and you're gonna muster all your strength and will, and you're gonna overcome and survive. And that's not what happens to the dying. The dying aren't fighting against anything. If anything, they're fighting towards and they're what they're fighting towards to get back to those that they've loved and they've lost. Horace is a great example. So Horace is, I believe, close to ninety years old, and he's very near the end of his life. And I think what's beautiful about Horace is that his inner world experiences are so overwhelming that he actually struggles to find language for what the beauty that he's experienced is, the colors that are richer, his wife, the relief he feels in seeing her. And it really, it really highlights this notion that they actually aren't struggling against anything. If anything, Horace wants to go to this experience that he's having with his eyes closed. So if we could watch Horace, that would be great.

    2. SB

      And he's describing a vision he's had there.

    3. CK

      Mm-hmm. Oh, it's beautiful. And he describes this relief like paying a bill, like it's over, and the greens of the grass are greener, and he's so emoted by it that he starts to get very tearful.

  36. 1:12:40 – 1:15:56

    My Cancer Diagnosis & How It Changed My View of Death

    1. SB

      How has interviewing these people as they're leaving this world changed how you live your life on a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month basis?

    2. CK

      Oh, y- I, I think a lot. I think cancer did more to change how I live on a daily basis probably.

    3. SB

      You had stage four?

    4. CK

      Mm-hmm. Stage four cancer. Mm-hmm.

    5. SB

      Has it changed your perspective of you dying yourself?

    6. CK

      I can tell you that I'm certainly not f- fearful of the actual process of dying.

    7. SB

      Anymore?

    8. CK

      No. Yeah, I'm not.

    9. SB

      Were you before?

    10. CK

      Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's innate to us, right? It's why we survive, is we're meant to, uh, resist.

    11. SB

      And what in particular has alleviated that fear?

    12. CK

      Oh, I think seeing so many patients. I think having to face it myself, the po-- that possibility myself. I had to wrestle that demon.

    13. SB

      And where does the comfort come from?

    14. CK

      Because, because it becomes less about self. It's very interesting. When you have a diagnosis like I had, first you're confronted with this enormous responsibility, this reckoning with w- uh, the lives that you're responsible to. And you worry about their wounds and how they're gonna be, particularly if you have people who are dependent on you. So I went through, that's what you first are confronted with, and then it changes you in a lot of ways.

    15. SB

      What specifically has changed?

    16. CK

      I was always, um, restless. I could never sit. But cancer brought that to a stop suddenly, and it's a very weird thing because there's no period of adaption. All of a sudden you can't do. You're used to going into the world, and now the world has to come to you. And it forces you to do what I really could never do, which is to kind of be more, more present. I rehabbed basically over many, many months, um, on my farm, and I would gradually walk a little farther down the driveway, then in the barn, animals, walk in field, then woods. And I can't quite describe this, but this one day I was there and I'm looking at these willow trees that I had planted decades earlier, and they were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. And, uh, you know, the trees hadn't changed. [laughs] I, I, I changed. Victor Frankl talks about this in the book Man's Search for Meaning, right?

    17. SB

      He was a Holocaust survivor.

    18. CK

      Yeah.

    19. SB

      Yeah.

    20. CK

      And somehow he came out of that experience and was able to put a lot of definition around finding meaning. And he describes a day when one of the prisoners runs out and says, "Look at the sunset." And they all come out and they're all admiring it despite their despair and destitute, and the one says, "Look at what the world could be." And the point is, is that beauty isn't about doing or accomplishing, but it's in- it's internalized. It's the finding meaning in the experience. And I never got it, but I got it then when I

  37. 1:15:56 – 1:17:15

    What Is the Meaning of Life?

    1. CK

      got sick.

    2. SB

      And on that point of meaning, which is the word on the front of your book here, um, what is the, the meaning of life? From everything you've experienced and all the death, loss, grief you've seen, what is the meaning of life?

    3. CK

      I don't know about meaning, but I know the destination is always love. And I think that, um, we're meant to get there together, and we're meant to endure struggle together. I think that that's just fundamental. We again, we're fundamentally interdependent and reliant on one another. If you think of the best parts of yourself, it's always in the context of love.

    4. SB

      You wrote this wonderful book, Death Is But a Dream: Finding Hope and Meaning at Life's End. Who is this for?

    5. CK

      Hmm. Well, a- again, it was meant for a medical audience, but I think it's anybody who's caring for somebody. I think it's anybody who's wondering about their own mortality. I think what I find a lot of people are benefiting, it's people who have witnessed these experiences, but it's never been explained. And I think it, it's nice because it includes different types of patients. So it includes patients who are cognitively different, includes children. A- and, and each one of those is very unique.

  38. 1:17:15 – 1:23:25

    How Death Is Different for Children

    1. SB

      Dr. Christopher, we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest, not knowing who they're leaving it for. The question that has been left for you, it's a question I often ask: What is one thing we haven't talked about that we should have talked about?

    2. CK

      The children.

    3. SB

      Explain.

    4. CK

      Children die very differently. I think that it's not so much lessons, but there's certainly inspiration, and I think it talks about what's innate in us.

    5. SB

      How do children die differently from adults?

    6. CK

      Oh, [sighs] well, for one, they don't struggle to find acceptance. It's-- They, they're already accepting. They don't think in terms of finality, of mortality. They just accept the state that is. So they don't talk in terms of regrets and what-ifs. Children have this amazing ability to take care-- to make themselves whole, to take care of themselves, to reassure themselves. So one of the ways they do that is they may not know somebody who's died, so who comes back for them? And often it's an animal. And, and children don't have the same distinctions, obviously, between the human and the animal world, and they come with the same message, which is that they're loved and that they're not alone. The other thing that's just fascinating is they become very self-informed by these inner experiences. By that, I mean they end up understanding where they are. You don't have to tell them they're dying. They seem to put this together in remarkable ways. And far and away, the most remarkable thing about children is that they have this quiet courage and how they care for those around them, so they become so utterly selfless. It's almost hard to describe. I saw a young lady who was taking her pain medicine. She didn't want to take her pain medicine because she was enjoying being awake and plugged in, but she kn- she was sensitive to what other people were observing, and she didn't want her mother to see her grimace. Another one who was from Syria, she knew she was dying. Her parents couldn't talk to her about it, but she had already gone ahead on Facebook and said goodbye and given life lessons.

    7. SB

      Do they have the same visions and dreams?

    8. CK

      Oh, yeah, they do it better. Um, and we could show that with Jessica.

    9. SB

      So tell me about Jessica.

    10. CK

      Jessica's thirteen years old, and she's raised by a single mother And she sees this deceased friend of her mother's playing with her curtains. And she doesn't want to tell her mom because she didn't want to scare her. But it made her feel good because she was a good person. And again, she's not going to be alone. So they tend to look after, despite being children and being robbed of life, they somehow tend to worry about others and try to protect others. And that's what she does.

    11. SP

      I had a feeling that she was just coming to tell me that you're gonna be okay, everything's fine. But she didn't look at me. She was just looking. But I had a feeling if I called out her name, she would look at me.

    12. CK

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SP

      But I didn't want to scare my mom. I felt a sign of relief.

    14. CK

      Yeah.

    15. SP

      And happiness because she was a very strong person. And I know that I'm strong and my mom tells me all the time that I was, I'm like her.

    16. CK

      Wow.

    17. SP

      And you told me that you thought that, "Oh, mom, I saw an angel." That's how you said you felt- And I thought I saw an angel ... and you felt peace, and then you were able to go to sleep? And then I was able to go to sleep.

    18. CK

      So it was really comforting.

    19. SP

      It was comforting, yes. You weren't afraid. I wasn't afraid of it at all.

    20. CK

      So children have this way of, of self-healing. It's remarkable. We have another children, child on video who she creates this castle and she can feel the warmth of light coming through the window and all the animals are well and playing. And when asked what the castle meant, she said it meant that there's a safe place.

    21. SB

      Dr. Christopher Kerr, what a wonderful reminder of what actually matters.

    22. CK

      Good.

    23. SB

      And also when we think about how many of us ourselves fear our own death, it's quite, quite high. It's about half p- half of people, men and women fear their own death. But actually I think through your research, through the book that you've written and through the studies that I have here in front of me, it's certainly made me think a lot less about the fear of my own death. 'Cause you're right, people think of it as being this sort of painful, prolonged-

    24. CK

      Mm-hmm

    25. SB

      ... process, but that's not what you report.

    26. CK

      No, and actually we've looked at that and what they actually fear is isolation-

    27. SB

      Yeah

    28. CK

      ... and being disconnected.

    29. SB

      And more so than fearing our own death, we fear losing someone else.

    30. CK

      Right. Have never come with a right way to frame it, but all of this comes back to this better idea that the concern is for others than them- more themself.

Episode duration: 1:23:26

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