The Diary of a CEOThe Orgasm Expert: THIS Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex & Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom!
CHAPTERS
- 5:50 – 14:00
Why Sex Matters More Than We Admit
Gurney introduces her work as a psychosexologist and explains why sex is not a trivial add-on but foundational to psychological and relationship wellbeing. She outlines rising dissatisfaction levels and how cultural silence and stigma around sex keep people stuck.
- •Sex influences relationship longevity, day-after productivity, and overall wellbeing.
- •Over 50% of women and over 40% of men are unhappy with their sex lives.
- •Sex is highly stigmatized; people often haven’t discussed their problems with anyone—even close friends.
- •Therapy offers a rare space where the ‘weight’ of these unspoken issues can be lifted.
- 14:00 – 28:20
Attention, Tech, and the New Epidemic of Low Desire
The conversation explores how modern lifestyles—constant device use, poor work–life balance, and chronic distraction—undermine attention, a key ingredient in sexual arousal. Gurney links everyday stress and email-checking in bed to erection issues and a broader decline in sexual frequency.
- •Longitudinal data show people are having less sex decade by decade.
- •Attention is critical for arousal; distraction ‘turns down’ sexual response like a volume knob.
- •Mindfulness improves orgasm and desire by training attention to stay with bodily sensations.
- •Stressful thoughts (‘my to-do list’, performance worries) trigger the sympathetic nervous system and suppress arousal.
- 28:20 – 39:10
Pressure, Expectations, and the Myths That Ruin Sex
Gurney dissects how expectations, performance pressure, and unspoken worries paralyze desire and make bedtime feel like a minefield. They discuss the paradox that the more you worry about sex, the worse it gets, and the crucial role of open communication.
- •Pressure and expectation are ‘passion killers’; sex becomes a focal anxiety point in struggling relationships.
- •Lack of dialogue means both partners silently catastrophize, especially around initiation and rejection.
- •Worry hijacks attentional narrowing, locking focus on doubts instead of erotic sensations.
- •Breaking the silence by naming stress about sex is a foundational step to reducing pressure.
- 39:10 – 50:00
Sexual Scripts, Porn, and the ‘Set Menu’ Problem
The episode examines ‘sexual script theory’—our internalized template for how sex should go—largely formed via media and porn. Gurney explains how scripts like penis‑in‑vagina as ‘real sex’ and male-centric pleasure depictions fuel the orgasm gap and misaligned expectations.
- •Sexual scripts give us a predictable sequence (foreplay → PIV → male orgasm) but often clash with real desires.
- •Language (‘foreplay’, ‘virginity’) reinforces PIV as the main event and everything else as lesser.
- •Porn analyses show women’s pleasure in only ~18% vs men’s in ~78% of top videos, shaping whose pleasure ‘matters’.
- •These scripts reduce anxiety but discourage communication, forcing people to guess what their partner wants.
- 50:00 – 1:00:00
How to Actually Talk About Sex
Gurney outlines a practical stepwise model for building a culture of sexual conversation in relationships. She stresses that talking about sex is the strongest predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction and offers specific scripts to move from indirect to direct dialogue.
- •General communication skills (Gottman’s work, rules of engagement) are a prerequisite for sex talk.
- •Start with third-party topics (podcasts, films, porn) before talking about ‘us’.
- •Next, discuss what went well after good sex or at emotionally connected times.
- •Only later move to ‘what we’d like more/less of’, framed as positive future goals.
- •Regular ‘sex life check-ins’ help growth and adaptation over the years.
- 1:00:00 – 1:09:10
Attraction, Parenthood, and the Mental Load
They tackle the thorny issue of lost attraction and how life transitions, especially parenthood, alter desire. Gurney explains how unequal domestic labor, partner-as-‘third child’ dynamics, and sleeplessness reduce erotic charge and breed resentment, while also describing when lack of attraction may be a dealbreaker.
- •If sex and monogamy are important, attraction matters; strong early attraction makes long-term desire easier to maintain.
- •Attraction can wax and wane with life context and relationship roles, not just physical changes.
- •When a partner feels like an extra child (one does all the organising/caring), desire often collapses.
- •Sexual dissatisfaction peaks in the under‑five parenting years due to sleep, stress, and reduced time/space.
- •Equitable division of mental load strongly correlates with better sex.
- 1:09:10 – 1:25:00
Desire 101: Spontaneous vs Responsive and the ‘Three Times a Week’ Myth
This core section reframes desire as something that often follows—not precedes—sexual activity, and debunks the cultural notion of a fixed ‘sex drive’. Gurney introduces responsive desire and sexual currency, challenges the normative three-times-a-week belief, and shows why quality trumps quantity.
- •Old models put desire first; newer research shows desire often emerges *after* arousal is triggered.
- •Spontaneous desire typically drops 12–18 months into a relationship; many women may never feel it out of the blue with a long-term partner.
- •Responsive desire can be reliably triggered by sexual stimuli (kissing, touch, sexting, lounging naked).
- •Sexual currency = everything sexual you do apart from intercourse, and is key to triggering desire.
- •Average sex frequency is ~3 times *per month*, not per week, with no correlation between frequency and satisfaction.
- •Over 50% of women and 42% of men are dissatisfied, and 40%+ of women want more sex than they’re having.
- 1:25:00 – 1:37:30
Building and Using Sexual Currency; Why Scheduling ‘Sex’ Backfires
Gurney dives deeper into sexual currency as an ongoing ‘charge’ in the relationship and explains why scheduling sex itself creates pressure. She recommends scheduling intimacy instead—baths, massages, film nights—and keeping invitations frequent, playful, and easy to refuse.
- •Sexual currency includes passionate kisses, flirtation, compliments, in‑the‑lift makeouts—things you wouldn’t do with friends or kids.
- •High sexual currency both satisfies needs (feeling desired, special) and acts as low-pressure scaffolding into sex.
- •Sex should be ‘trivial and often’: frequent, lightweight invitations with no meltdown if refused.
- •Scheduling sex tends to load a single event with expectation, which kills desire; instead, schedule *physical intimacy*.
- •You can invite someone into a bath or cuddle without promising sex; the key is being okay if it goes nowhere.
- •Scatter-gun, low-pressure intimacy attempts create more genuine opportunities for good sex than rare, high-stakes date nights.
- 1:37:30 – 1:52:30
Practical Tips: Kissing, Distance, Initiation Styles, and Experiments
They move into concrete tactics: kissing more, maintaining some distance/novelty, diversifying initiation styles, and negotiating differences in fantasies or kink appetite. Gurney emphasizes experimentation as part of a chosen ‘sexual personality’ for the relationship and offers tools to map each partner’s conditions for good sex.
- •Kiss more ‘for kissing’s sake’; long-term couples often only kiss as a prelude to sex.
- •Schedule body-based intimacy (massage, shared bath, film in bed) as triggers for responsive desire.
- •Distance—physical and emotional—can help preserve desire by preventing partners being seen only as flatmate or co-parent.
- •Many couples have mismatched desires/fetishes but never talk; Gurney uses a ‘conditions for good sex’ exercise based on people’s three best experiences.
- •Partners map psychological arousal, physical stimulation preferences, and distraction patterns, then look for overlap and negotiate.
- •Not all sexual needs must be met by one partner; some desires may be solo or purely fantasy-based.
- 1:52:30 – 2:04:10
Erections, Arousal Non-Concordance, and Gentle Rejection
Gurney normalizes erection difficulties, especially under stress and pressure, and introduces arousal non‑concordance—the mismatch between mental desire and bodily response. She explains how couples can respond when erections fail without catastrophizing, and why gentle, clear refusals actually improve long-term satisfaction.
- •Men can feel desire without an erection; no-erection does *not* automatically mean no attraction.
- •Arousal non‑concordance affects all genders; bodies don’t always sync with mental desire.
- •Focusing obsessively on the penis and PIV escalates pressure and makes erection issues worse.
- •Switching focus to the partner’s pleasure (e.g., oral, toys) and non-penetrative sex helps shift attention back to eroticism.
- •Explicit communication—‘I want you, but my body isn’t there yet’—protects both partners from misinterpretation.
- •Gently turning each other down, with reassurance and warmth, *increases* sexual satisfaction for parents.
- 2:04:10 – 2:09:40
Sleep, Kids, and Steering the ‘Sex Boat’ Back on Course
Here the focus returns to parents: how sleep debt, night wakings, and constant priorities sap libido, and what small course corrections keep sex recoverable. Gurney uses a sailing metaphor to illustrate how minor early adjustments in habits and division of labor can radically change long-term sexual outcomes.
- •Every extra good night’s sleep raises next-day sex likelihood by ~14%.
- •More night wakings = lower sex happiness, both via physiology and cognitive disruption of REM.
- •Sharing night duty more equally aligns desire levels and reduces resentment.
- •Parents often need to ‘batten down the hatches’ in newborn months, then later examine habits that might be pushing sex towards ‘unrecoverable’.
- •Maintaining even minimal sexual currency during hard seasons helps keep the boat a degree or two towards a good long-term destination.
- 2:09:40 – 2:16:00
When to See a Sex Therapist—and When It’s Unrecoverable
Gurney describes common reasons people seek help—desire mismatches, pain, erections, orgasms, and navigating change—and argues they usually come too late. She acknowledges that some relationships are sexually unrecoverable, especially when resentment is entrenched, and that ending them can be a healthy outcome.
- •Most couples say, ‘We have a great relationship but…’ and then describe desire/initiation problems.
- •Others come with pain, erection concerns, orgasms, or major sexual growth that the relationship hasn’t integrated.
- •Gurney wants people to think of sex therapy like a PT—used for improvement and maintenance, not just emergencies.
- •The Gottmans’ ‘Four Horsemen’, especially deep-seated resentment, often signal low recoverability.
- •Sometimes the best outcome is an honest split and better sexual lives elsewhere, rather than forcing incompatibility.
- 2:16:00 – 2:24:50
Pets in the Bedroom, Sex Positivity, Menopause, and Body Image
An unexpected topic—pets derailing sex—illustrates how even small environmental distractions can sabotage arousal. The discussion broadens to cultural shifts in sex positivity, the impact of menopause and hormonal cycles, and how post-baby body changes interact with anxiety about a partner’s attraction.
- •Pets ‘getting involved’, watching, or scratching at the door can be major mood killers.
- •Lockdown-era pet ownership has quietly complicated sex lives; Gurney jokes pets need warning labels.
- •Sex positivity in media (e.g., Sex Education) is rising, but hasn’t fully reached therapy rooms yet.
- •Menopause and hormonal shifts can affect mood, comfort, and desire, often compounding pre-existing issues.
- •Body changes after kids can hurt confidence; many fears about lost attraction are never voiced, even though partners often remain attracted.
- 2:24:50 – 2:38:40
Are We Meant to be Monogamous? Open Relationships and the Future of Sex
The conversation turns philosophical: are humans natural monogamists? Gurney argues we are not ‘designed’ for lifelong sexual interest in one person and that monogamy is a social construct that requires active work. She also discusses open relationships as an emerging, workable alternative with its own demands.
- •Humans are not biologically set up for effortless lifelong monogamous desire; brains crave novelty.
- •Choosing monogamy wisely means accepting you *must* work at novelty, sexual growth, and communication.
- •Many people enter monogamy and heterosexuality by default, without ever examining other options.
- •Open/non-monogamous relationships are increasing; when done transparently, they can separate love/commitment from sexual novelty.
- •Non-monogamy solves some problems (boredom) but introduces others (boundaries, jealousy), and still requires work.
- •Broaching openness should start with reflective questions (‘Did we choose monogamy consciously?’) rather than blunt demands.
- 2:38:40
Final Advice: Best and Worst Guidance, and What Steven Should Do
In closing, Gurney recounts the worst advice she ever received—being told she wasn’t suited to psychology—and offers Steven customized advice on his own sex life. She reiterates her central prescription: normalize talking about sex, initiate freely, and be comfortable with no.
- •Early in her career, a supervisor told her she lacked every quality needed to be a psychologist; she went on to prove them wrong.
- •Her improvement advice to Steven: make sex talk routine, invite intimacy often, and normalize being turned down.
- •She underscores again that reframing what sex *is* and how desire works can prevent many ‘problems’ before they escalate.
- •The episode ends by positioning her books as practical guides—especially for parents—to implement these ideas.
