Dr. von Hippel: Why modern autonomy is making us miserable

Von Hippel argues that modern Westerners, especially the wealthy, urban, and educated, consistently choose “doing what I want” over connecting with others in both big and small ways (e.g., watching separate movies instead of compromising). Data show huge rises in people living alone (from 1% of Americans in 1850 to 14% now), sharp declines in seeing neighbors regularly, and even married couples spending less time together. Hunter‑gatherers like the Hadza, who live with intense dependence and dense social rules, report far higher rates of happiness than Westerners, despite material hardship and high child mortality—suggesting we’ve badly misjudged the autonomy/connection balance.

Half of humanity now lives in cities, and urban dwellers in places like the US are about 25% wealthier than rural residents. Yet survey data show people in small communities (<2,500) are consistently happier and more satisfied with their friendships than people in big cities (>250,000). As income rises, time spent with neighbors falls sharply. Wealth lets you outsource interdependence and not ‘need’ anyone, but that undermines the tightly woven mutual support networks humans evolved for. Money does increase individual happiness in the short term and at high incomes, but at the societal level (e.g., US since the 1940s) rising GDP has not raised average happiness—the Easterlin paradox.

Men and women still look for “honest signals” of evolutionary quality: in men, risk‑taking, physical robustness, status/wealth, ambition, humor, and especially kindness; in women, youth, health, body fat reserves and a stable waist‑to‑hip ratio as proxies for fertility. However, apps like Tinder create extreme inequality: about 20% of men receive ~80% of the swipes, while 80% of women get many swipes but mostly from men they don’t want. Meanwhile, real‑world sex among 18–25‑year‑olds has declined notably since the mid‑2000s, while porn consumption has roughly tripled. Von Hippel suggests “social media induced laziness in our social habits” (SMILSHing): people skip events and dates, stay home, watch porn, and unconsciously trade away the chance for real connections and partners.

In every rich, industrialized country, total fertility is below the 2.1 replacement rate (often around 1.5–1.7), meaning populations will shrink without immigration; some regions (e.g., East Asia, Western Europe) are on track to halve by 2100. Evolution built us to crave sex and then care for whatever offspring resulted in a no‑contraception world. Modern contraception separates sex from reproduction, so the innate ‘drive’ to have children is weak for many. On top of that, raising kids in rich societies is financially and logistically punishing—childcare, housing, careers—so cost‑benefit calculations push people toward childlessness or very small families, even as those who have kids later report them as their main life source of meaning.

Longitudinal data show that marriage itself is a net zero on average over 10 years—some marriages flourish, some stagnate, some become miserable—but cross‑sectionally, married people are far more likely to report being “very happy” than the never‑married. Von Hippel’s interpretation: the kind of person who chooses deep commitment and connection (vs. radical individualism) tends to be happier and better at relationships overall. Similarly, religious participation has large happiness effects, especially for the rich who otherwise lack built‑in community. Even among non‑churchgoers, those who pray are happier, likely because religion provides both meaning and regular, in‑person social connection—two things modern secular life often strips away.