A Tween Parenting Shift for the AI Era (Introducing The In-Between Years)

1. 0:00 – 0:31

   Why tween/teen parenting needs a new playbook in the AI era

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:00

      If you've been listening to Good Inside for a while, you know that my focus has always been helping parents build strong, connected relationships with kids, and as kids get older, that relationship gets more complicated. The tween and teen years just bring new territory. Phones, social media, shifting friendships, dating, independence, identity, and now things like AI and technology that we're still figuring out ourselves. A lot of you have been with me at Good Inside for a while, and

2. 0:31 – 1:01

   Introducing the new podcast: The In-Between Years (hosted by Dr. Sheryl Ziegler)

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:31

      I keep hearing the same thing, "Dr. Becky, our kids are older now. Can you please grow up with us?" And so we are, and this is really one of the main reasons why we created a brand-new podcast called The In-Between Years, hosted by my colleague, Dr. Sheryl Ziegler. Dr. Sheryl is a clinical psychologist who has spent decades working directly with tweens, teens, and their families, and every week on The In-Between Years, she talks with real parents

3. 1:01 – 2:31

   What topics the new show will tackle—and Dr. Becky’s ongoing role

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:01

      about the questions that start showing up during that stage of life and the moments that just feel confusing, scary, or totally new. Just to get ahead of any questions, I will still be weighing in on the tween and teen years. I mean, I have so many ideas I want to share, too. And honestly, Dr. Sheryl has been the colleague I've gone to to ask my own questions, to talk about my own struggles with the tween and teen years in my house. And so from time to time, I'll drop into the pod as well. Questions that Dr. Sheryl is going to be exploring are gonna be things like, how do you talk to kids not only about technology, about, about AI? How do you stay connected when your kid starts to turn more toward their peers? How do you guide your kid through their mistakes without them pushing you away or slamming the door in your face? And today, I wanna share a short clip from one of Dr. Sheryl's recent conversations. This one is with a parent who's feeling something I think all of us are feeling right now, the sense that technology is moving faster than we can keep up with. And in this moment, Dr. Sheryl reframes the whole problem in such a grounding and powerful way, and she offers a simple way parents can talk with their kids about AI without fear, without shame, without panic, and without needing to be the expert. Please enjoy this clip from an upcoming episode of The In-Between Years from Good Inside. I have a son who is

4. 2:31 – 3:00

   A parent’s fear: technology is moving faster than we can keep up

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:31

      seven, and I have a daughter who is nine and a half, and, um, we are just on the cusp of navigating all the things technology and social media and AI, and that's kind of why I'm here today, because it's all very scary, and I don't really know how can I equip my kids for something that is so swiftly changing when I don't even feel like I have a handle on it. I think that that's what I'm afraid of.

5. 3:00 – 3:34

   Naming the three fears: unknown, rapid change, and feeling unprepared

   1. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler3:00

      You're scared of, like, three major things. Number one is the unknown. I, I don't even know this thing, right? I don't even know. I don't know what kind of consequence can I... It's just the unknown. Number two, even if the unknown becomes somewhat known to me, it's gonna change. I know it's gonna change, and it seems like it's changing really fast, so I'm always gonna be behind. Like, I'm never gonna know, like, how is it changing, where's this showing up? And number three, I don't know how to prepare myself for this. And if I can't prepare myself for this, how am I supposed to prepare my kid for this?

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:32

      Yes, ab- absolutely correct.

6. 3:34 – 4:36

   Iceberg reframe: the real issue isn’t AI—it’s raising a discerning, connected kid

   1. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler3:34

      So the first thing I wanna say, you know the image of, like, sometimes people call it, like, I do a volcano, or there's, like, the iceberg-

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:42

      Mm-hmm

   3. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler3:42

      ... and the tip is what you can see, and then most of it underneath is what you can't see?

   4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:46

      Mm-hmm.

   5. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler3:47

      The tip of the iceberg is, like, AI, the, the unknown. Is it gonna take over? Is it gonna replace humans? It's gonna replace jobs. Like, ah, all the fears.

   6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:56

      Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

   7. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler3:57

      Right? That's, like, the tip, but all the stuff underneath, what I hear you saying, is not really about technology.

   8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:04

      Mm.

   9. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler4:04

      Right? It's really about, how do I raise my kid so that they can think for themselves, so that they can protect themselves, so that they know the difference between, it's not just right and wrong anymore, it's, like, between real and fake.

   10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:19

       Yes, yes.

   11. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler4:20

       How do I raise my kid so that when they do watch something next year at a sleepover on someone else's iPad, they still feel comfortable to come home to me and say, "I saw this thing. I, I don't know, Mommy, it was confusing."

   12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:34

       Yes.

   13. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler4:35

       Right?

   14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:35

       Yes.

7. 4:36 – 5:37

   Let go of being the tech expert; focus on creating the ‘tell my mom’ kid

   1. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler4:36

      So I want you to start reframing that. Like, as opposed to, "Oh my gosh, AI terrifies me," maybe it's more like, "My kid growing up, growing older, and be exposed to things that I don't know that much about is really scary to me." So when we do that, what that does is help you get grounded in knowing, oh, I don't need to be, like, a tech expert. Oh, maybe it doesn't matter. What is the difference between ChatGPT and Claude? Like, I don't even know. Right? All of a sudden, that's less important, and there are a couple of things that are the difference between the kid who discovers AI and starts doing things on there that would make you uncomfortable, and between the kid who goes on it and then goes, literally yells from the couch, like, "Mom, come here. Let me show you this thing. Mom, come here. Look at what this thing can do." Right? So here's how I want you thinking about the setup, 'cause you are so clear. I wanna be prepared. I

8. 5:37 – 6:50

   Lead with curiosity: be interested in what your child is interested in

   1. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler5:37

      want to just be equipped to deal with what might come. So the first thing I want you to do is I want you to be curious about the things your kid's curious about.

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy5:49

      Mm.

   3. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler5:49

      What are they curious about? Like, right now, right? They might be curious about animals. Oh, I might be curious about, you know, the rainforest. Eventually, it's like, "I'm curious about this thing called AI. I heard it can do, like, really cool things." And I want you to be right alongside with her, being curious with her. The biggest mistake I see that parents make, it's usually of teens, is that they feel there's that humility that they don't have. Like, they feel like they should know everything, because like up until this minute, I kinda did know most things, right? Until she's 10, maybe even 11, 11 it might start changing, you're the smartest human being she knows. You and her teacher, right? You're the- you're everything to her. You're the smartest, you're the most beautiful. You know everything, and any single solitary thing that's wrong in her life, somehow you magically know how to fix it, right? That's the power of you today, I know. [laughs] It's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing. And this is really cool too, though. You're gonna go from that, and

9. 6:50 – 7:57

   A simple script to open the AI conversation and normalize use

   1. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler6:50

      then all of a sudden she's gonna be like, "Hmm, I heard this thing, and my friends are talking about it, and maybe they seem a little sneaky about it, so like am I not supposed to be going home and talking to my mom about it," right? And then that's where they're one foot in childhood and one foot in that beginning adolescence. Like, "So should I keep that?" So by you saying, "I wanna be ahead of it," it just sounds something like this. "You know what? This might be the year where at school or maybe even with your friends, they might start using something called ChatGPT or Claude," right? Or something like that. And it's funny, because she might say to you, "Oh yeah, I've heard of that." "Oh, really? Tell me what you know about it. Yeah, I would love to know what you're learning about it, because it's changing so fast that I used to know kind of things on it, but like I don't know if I do anymore." Or you can say, if this is true, something like, "I would love to hear what you're excited about with this. I know for me, I've used it a little bit. Like, I ask it for recipes. You probably don't even know that."

   2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:47

      Mm-hmm.

   3. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler7:47

      "But that's how I make recipes. Or when I was like redesigning your room, I took pictures, and it helped me come up with the coolest design ideas." So now you're normalizing something, right?

   4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy7:57

      Yeah.

10. 7:57 – 8:51

    Introduce risks gently: age-appropriate examples without fear or shame

    1. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler7:57

       You're saying, um, "I've used it too a little," whatever the truth is. A little bit, a lot, not at all, whatever, "and um, this is how it's been helpful for me." That's how you set the tone of like, hey, with some moderation, with some guardrails around this thing, s- this can be really cool. Now, where could it get bad, right?

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:20

       Mm-hmm.

    3. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler8:20

       Because if it was just so great, we wouldn't be talking about it. You wouldn't be scared.

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:23

       Yeah.

    5. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler8:24

       And then she could be like, you know, "What?" And then you just give a kind of a mild example. "I don't know. I've heard like, because it's so amazing, you can take like pictures of things, and then you can change them."

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:33

       Yeah.

    7. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler8:34

       "And I know sometimes, imagine if people did that, like it could hurt someone's feelings or something."

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:38

       Yeah.

    9. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler8:38

       And you just keep it like that. That's 11-year-old appropriate.

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:42

        Yes.

    11. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler8:42

        It just can change pictures.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:44

        Mm-hmm.

    13. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler8:44

        Right? When she's 13, you're gonna go deeper. When she's 15, she's gonna tell you a story, and you're gonna be like, "Whoa."

    14. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:51

        Yeah.

11. 8:51 – 11:11

    The ‘AI feels like a person’ problem: don’t let chatbots replace human help

    1. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler8:51

       Right? But at 11, when she's young, you're just sort of like curious, and you're acting very open, and you're sprinkling in little things. Here's the biggest thing today I will say that I know, I really know is gonna keep evolving. I would say something to her like, "It is actually created to sound like you're talking to someone, like maybe even like you're talking to me or like you're talking to your dad or like you're talking to, you know, Grandma." And then she's, you know, she's, she's living in this world. She's growing up in it, so she will understand that. And then you can say, "So one of the things that I've heard is not that great is that sometimes people go to it, like instead of going to an adult or a teacher."

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:32

       Yes, right.

    3. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler9:34

       So now I'm trying to role model for you how you're getting to the hard stuff, but it's not fear-based. It's, you're calm, she's calm. You're giving her, especially as a beginning conversation, just the right amount of, again, curiosity. And then she might, "What do you mean?"

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy9:50

       Mm-hmm.

    5. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler9:50

       And so I actually just shared with everybody a funny example this morning, right? A little example you could use. I have a teenage daughter, and she, her legs hurt yesterday. And so I talked to her last night, and I said, "Oh, so what did you wind up doing about your legs? I know that they were so sore. Do they feel better now?" And she said, "Oh yeah, I ChatGPT'd what to do about sore legs, and it told me to wear compression socks." And in that moment I thought, see? That, that chat replaced me, and that's a pretty benign. Like, that was good advice. I don't have a problem with that. But if I have an 11-year-old, and maybe they got their period for the first time.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:27

       Mm.

    7. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler10:27

       Right? Or somebody said something really mean to them at school, or they have acne and they heard all these different things they could possibly do about it. Do I want them going to artificial intelligence, or do I want them coming to me?

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:41

       How can I encourage her to come to me first without going to AI? Like, is there anything-

    9. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler10:49

       Mm-hmm

    10. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:49

        ... that I can like set the tone for now before she's using it to, like encourage her to always come to me first? 'Cause I, I would hate that, obviously, if like for her to go to that first, you know?

    11. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler11:01

        Again, she's nine and a half, so she is not yet as impulsive as, like a kid in puberty or a teenager is.

    12. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:10

        Okay.

12. 11:11 – 14:00

    Make a ‘human first’ deal: model the behavior you want and co-create a plan

    1. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler11:11

       Right? She's not yet as impulsive. So what you wanna do is predict that out, because that's your mindset anyways. I wanna prepare. So what you wanna say is like, "Oh, so one of the things that I know people do," because they really do, "I know people do is sometimes they go to it for things like advice, or they tell it their deep feelings, or they talk to it like a friend or even like a therapist." Right? 'Cause we know the stats right now. It's like n- nearly 40% of teenagers say they do that, and even more adults do that, so this is very real.

    2. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:41

       Mm-hmm.

    3. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler11:42

       And then you say to her, not like, "And that would be really bad. I'd never want you to do that. I want you to come to me," right? What you wanna say instead is, "And you know what? Like, I kinda understand in some ways why people would do that, 'cause it's always there. It's always available. It's never distracted. It gives you usually some pretty good advice, but we don't always know what it's gonna say." And sometimes for some kids they'll say they feel like it's less embarrassing. Because they can tell it anything, and it's like, it's a bot, right? It's not a person. So if you say someone was mean to you today, you don't have to worry that it's gonna get all upset and call the teacher. So you can say to her, um, "And so while I, I do understand why people do that, here's what I wanna do in our house. Like, if I ever have a question about you, like, you know, you've never been 11 before, and so if I have a question about, like, am I doing the best thing for an 11-year-old daughter? How about I make you a deal? I am not gonna go to an AI chatbot first. I'm gonna talk to..." And then you could say, your best friend, your sister, you know what I mean? You're gonna model for her what you want for her-

    4. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:51

       Mm. Okay

    5. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler12:51

       ... to stay in human relationship.

    6. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:54

       Yes.

    7. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler12:54

       So you can say, "Okay, so let's make a deal, all right? I promise, like, the first time that you go to the mall by yourself," and she's gonna laugh, right? This is gonna sound foreign to her. "But I promise I'm not gonna go on my phone and ask, like, what I should do and how the rules are. Promise, okay? I'm gonna talk to Aunt So-and-so, who has an older daughter, I'm gonna talk about it with her." So you're not lecturing her. You're not saying, "So then when you have a problem, you need to come to me," right? And then you can say to her, "Okay, so now let's think about it for you." Like maybe you say, you know, "Next month you're gonna be getting a phone," or whatever. "So when you have a problem at school, like let's say somebody was, like, mean to you, or you had a question about something and you felt personal, and maybe you were starting to feel like you weren't sure if you should ask me, like, what are you gonna do? What do you think you can do?"

    8. BKDr. Becky Kennedy13:38

       Yeah.

    9. SZDr. Sheryl Ziegler13:38

       "Who do you think you can talk to?" And hopefully she'll say, uh, "I would, maybe I would talk to Aunt So-and-so, maybe Grandma, maybe you," blah, blah, blah. And say, "Okay, let's make a deal. Let's just, let's start with, like, a person who actually knows us, and we actually know. We'll start there, and then maybe if together we wanna see what it says, we can do that together."

13. 14:00 – 17:04

    Dr. Becky’s closing takeaway: connection beats expertise in the tween/teen years

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy14:00

       So that was my close colleague and friend, Dr. Sheryl Ziegler, host of Good Inside's new podcast, The In Between Years. One of the things I love about this conversation is the shift she makes. Learning to live with technology or AI isn't about being an expert in technology or AI. It's about staying connected to your kid. It's about curiosity, and actually, you can only be curious if you don't fully understand something. So if you don't fully understand it, you're doing an A+ job. It's all about creating a relationship where your kid can still come to you when something confusing shows up in their world, even if they know you don't have all the information. That's kind of what the tween and teen years are all about. Your kids don't need you less. They need you differently. If you're parenting a tween or teen, or if you know those years are coming, I just know you're gonna get a lot out of this show. Every Wednesday, Dr. Sheryl talks with real parents about the challenges that show up during these years, and helps you understand what's actually going on underneath your kid's behavior so you can respond in a way that keeps your relationship strong. Because as our kids get older, our relationship is kind of the only strategy we have, and even when teens say they don't need you, they still need you. And as for me, I'll be popping into that show once in a while, because of course I still have things to say about those years as well. You can find The In Between Years wherever you listen to podcasts. Just search for The In Between Years from Good Inside. Hit follow and start with the latest episode, and then you can always email us, podcast@goodinside.com, to tell us about it. We love to hear what you liked, but trust us, we like to hear what you didn't like, or what you want more of, or what we got wrong, or what needs more nuance, or what needs to be different to apply to your specific situation. Your voice really does shape what we do here. Your voice helped shape opening up this whole new podcast so we could grow up with you, and so we want your voice to shape exactly what it will look like. So please email us, podcast@goodinside.com. And let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground and place your hand on your heart, and let's remind ourselves, because we really need this reminder in the tween and teen years, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I can't wait to hear from you. [outro music]

Episode duration: 17:04