EVERY SPOKEN WORD
20 min read · 4,367 words- 0:00 – 0:00
Intro
- BEDr. Becky
[gentle music]
- 0:00 – 1:42
What it means to be a “cycle-breaker” (and why this episode is for you)
- BEDr. Becky
Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle, and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. If you're a cycle-breaker, this is an episode for you. If you're listening, I think you're a cycle-breaker. After all, whenever I ask my Instagram community, "Are you a cycle-breaker?" I get 99% of the vote that says yes, and hundreds of DMs that tell me, "Oh, I meant to press yes, but pressed no with my thumb by accident." In this episode, we hear from three parents who share some of their struggles around being a cycle-breaker. Being a cycle-breaker is hard, and I hope you all take a moment to give yourself credit for being the brave, intentional parent you are. And with that in mind, let's jump in. [phone ringing] Let's hear from our first caller, Casey.
- 1:42 – 2:22
Caller 1: Two ex-yelled-at kids trying not to yell (with a newborn at home)
- SPSpeaker
Hi, Becky. My name is Casey, and I am attempting to be a cycle-breaker. My husband and I both grew up with fathers who were yellers and kind of demanded obedience. Um, and while we both promised pre-kids we would never do that ourselves, when our four-year-old is acting out, our lizard brain tends to take over, and we can slip into what we grew up with. We both really want to work on this. We are struggling to keep our cool when our son is, I'll say, being a handful. Um, we'd love to hear your thoughts on some strategies we can use in these moments to help our son calm his body down while also staying calm ourselves. I should add that we have a newborn, and I just went back to work, so sleep deprivation and stress levels are high. Thank you so much.
- 2:22 – 4:55
The weight of generations—and claiming the identity: “You are a cycle-breaker”
- BEDr. Becky
Hi, Casey. Thank you so much for calling in. And let me say right from the start, you are under a lot of stress right now, right? You're talking about sleep deprivation, the transition back to work, and the intergenerational pressure to do things one way, and you and your husband are saying, "No, we're gonna do it a different way." So for you and for everyone listening right now who's in this cycle-breaker role, let's just take a moment and really acknowledge this epic battle you're fighting. And I mean this, the bravery you have inside you. You're taking on the huge challenge of giving your child something that was never given to you. It's massive. I want us all to think about this image together. I want you to picture yourself, and I want you to picture all the generations who came before you. Because when we think about being a cycle-breaker, we often think about how we were parented, and that's really helpful to think about, but there's really how we were parented, and how they were parented, and how they were parented, and how they were parented. And if you're saying, "Me and my husband are pretty much the first people in each of our families to say, 'No, this ends with us. We're not parenting through fear. We're not taking the word discipline and really making that about control. We're taking the word discipline, and we're actually gonna teach our kid the thing that they need to know, and we're actually gonna set the stage for learning,' which means kids have to feel safe," then go back to that image and picture really the weight and the pressure of all the generations before you, and you essentially putting your hands up toward them and saying, "This ends with me." It's not you just kind of holding the weight of the pattern from your family of origin. It's history, right? It's so many generations. You're not attempting to be a cycle-breaker, Casey. I lovingly call bullshit on that, if that's okay. You are a cycle-breaker. Being a cycle-breaker doesn't mean going from one way to
- 4:55 – 6:26
Redefining success: repair is cycle-breaking too
- BEDr. Becky
the entire opposite way. It doesn't mean going kind of from east to west. If you're saying, "This pattern stops with me," you're being a cycle-breaker every time you do something differently, and every time you don't do something different but go and talk to your child about it and repair. Those are both forms of cycle breaking. So what does that mean? I think we have to reset the definition of being a cycle-breaker and really reset expectations, not lower expectations, but actually understand what cycle breaking means. Every time you don't parent your child when he's having a hard moment through control and fear, you know you're doing something different. You are human. You have the stress of life, plus old patterns that die hard, right? Those also are activating in your body, so of course there's gonna be moments where you watch yourself do the same thing maybe your parent did, or the things that you think, "Oh, I wanna do anything but that." Take a deep breath and remind yourself, "I am as much a cycle-breaker now as I was yesterday when I stayed calm." Why? Because you can say to yourself, "Casey- I've got this. I can still end the story differently. Yes, that happened, and yes, I can go back and own it and apologize, and add safety and compassion and connection to a moment that
- 6:26 – 7:54
A practical repair script after yelling: ownership, safety, and invitation to share
- BEDr. Becky
felt scary and alone. My guess is, Casey, it wasn't just the scary and alone moments that felt bad, it's the fact that they were never followed up with repair. When you're repairing, you're cycle-breaking. What does that mean? As often as you can after those moments, an hour after, a day after, it could be a week after, it could be months after, go to your son and say to him, "Hey, yesterday I," fill in the blank. "Yesterday I yelled at you. Yesterday I said some things I really wish I didn't say. That probably felt really scary to you. Whenever I yell in that way, you don't cause it. You didn't make that happen. It's not your fault. You are a good kid having a hard time, and I am working on my ability to stay calm and sturdy in those times. I wanted to let you know I'm sorry. I'm going to keep working on that, and I'm here for you. And if you wanna tell me what that was like, I'll listen." You've changed the ending of that chapter. You are cycle-breaking every time you do that. I have so much more to share, Casey, so keep listening, because I think the ideas and strategies that come up later in this episode will also be really helpful to you. [instrumental music] [phone ringing] And now our next caller, Lindsay.
- SPSpeaker
[phone ringing]
- 7:54 – 9:21
Caller 2: When cycle-breaking strains your relationship with your parents
- SPSpeaker
Hi, Dr. Becky. I'm Lindsay, and I'm in Las Vegas, and I have a four-year-old and a 16-month-old, both boys. I consider myself to be a cycle-breaker. I parent much differently than I was raised, and it has caused a lot of strife between me and my family of origin. I've learned so much from therapy and from your content, and I used to share it with my mom. We used to talk really often, and I'd explain why we weren't implementing some of her discipline ideas like spanking and others, and try to explain why we were making different choices, and she and my father would just get so defensive. They refuse to listen to research and still maintain that their way is the best way to parent. I've tried to be understanding and reassure them that they've done their best and they had different resources back then, but I eventually just had to distance myself, because each conversation I just left so frustrated. And now I get asked frequently why haven't I been calling as much, and I just don't know what to say. How can I still be breaking the cycles and stay connected to my parents at the same time? And w- what do I say to them? I'd appreciate it. Thank you so much, Dr. Becky.
- 9:21 – 12:54
With gain comes loss: grieving the relationship you can’t have right now
- BEDr. Becky
Oh, Lindsay, this is such a nuanced and fantastic question, and such an important one. You know, I think we talk a lot about cycle-breaking, and there, there is, there's an energy to it, right? There's a coming together with other cycle-breakers. Like, "Yes, we're doing this. We're changing things. We're giving something so different to our kid. We are kind of setting them up with wiring that we feel is gonna continue to be adaptive as they, you know, get older." Yes, and there's this: with gain, there's often loss, and not everything is rainbows and, and butterflies and celebration. And I think that you're pointing to a part of cycle-breaking that does kind of accompany that journey for so many people. And the word loss comes to mind, because we might think of that word and kind of associate to death. Like, "Oh, well, my parents didn't die." Loss doesn't only occur with death. Loss occurs when we feel like we had something, and then we feel like we no longer have that thing. And Lindsay, you're saying, "I feel like I don't really have a way to be close to my parents. I find myself not even really wanting to talk to them about important things. I feel like there's so few points of authentic connection." I have some ideas, but what I first wanna say, uh, and let me just give you a preview, it's nothing that sophisticated [laughs] is yes. Like, yes, that experience is very real, that experience of loss. The next part, your question, "How can I break cycles and stay connected to my parents?" You know, I'm a big fan of two things are true, right? I'm a big fan of holding two seemingly conflictual realities at once. Where that's really hard is when we try to hold two realities at once that are grounded in very conflictual foundational principles. Here's what I hear you saying: "I've changed. I've developed more and more a sense of truth inside myself, a gut instinct I can respect and listen to. I feel like I've gotten to know myself. I feel like I've developed a very different way of interacting with my kids that feels good to me." We're talking about parenting, Lindsay, but what you're really saying is you've really developed a sense of self. You can locate the things that feel right to you. And what I think I also hear you saying is that your connection with your parents is threatened by that very development, that things were a lot easier maybe when you looked to them as the source of truth. As opposed to looking at yourself as a source of truth. So how can we have both at the same time? I actually don't think there's a great way. I'm gonna come out and say that, right? If our relationship with ourself improves from being curious, from self-trust, from, you know, developing intuition, and if then those same things seem to threaten relationship with other people, there's not a great solve. I think what you can say to yourself is, "With gain, there's loss." And even, "Two things are true: I feel good about the way I've developed as a person and as an adult and as a parent,
- 12:54 – 15:02
A boundary-forward script: inviting respect without forcing agreement
- BEDr. Becky
and I feel sad about this now very limited relationship I have with my parents." What do you say to them when they say, "Why don't you call?" I don't know if there's anything kind of magically perfect. Words that come to mind for me is something like, "I would like to talk to you more, and I find when we do talk, there's so many things that feel too hot to handle between us that seem to lead to conflict and arguments. It seems really hard for us to be in a place where you can respect my doing things differently and not having to defend the way you did things. I would love to talk to you more if we're able to get to a place where we can look at each other and say we do things differently. We don't have to resolve that. No one has to be good or bad or right or wrong, but instead we can just hold that as true and find a way to talk to each other without proving anything to each other. If we can do that, I would love to talk to you more often." I think the thing I wanna add here, though, Lindsay, is we can't make our parents change. If our kind of being different from them feels to them almost like an assault on their personhood, we can set boundaries around that, but we can't change that. They can change that if that feels important. We can kind of adjust and protect ourselves accordingly. I know this resonates with so many people listening, and Lindsay and everyone else who has kind of noticed that with all this kind of gain around cycle breaking, there's also so much loss. I would say just feel the presence of this community of so many other people who are working so hard to do something that's so important and tolerating all the distress that goes along with it. [gentle music] [phone rings] And now our final caller.
- SPSpeaker
[phone rings]
- 15:02 – 16:13
Caller 3: Explaining estrangement from a grandparent—and promising stability
- SPSpeaker
Hi, Dr. Becky. I'm calling with a question about being a cycle-breaker. When I was 10, our parents got divorced, and it was decided that we would live with our dad, so our mom moved out. And then when I was in college, after many years of struggling with our relationship, my mom decided that she no longer wanted to have a relationship with me or my sister. It's been a long time since then, and I've come to peace with it. But now I have a five-year-old daughter, and she has questions. I am very intent on breaking the cycle and not repeating what my mother did and want to make that clear to my daughter, but I don't know how to talk about that in a way that she'll feel reassured and supported. I try to be truthful when I answer questions, and there are lots of questions I don't have the answer to, but I'm curious for your advice on how to have this conversation with my daughter about the reality of what happened with my mom and reassure her that that won't happen to her. Thank you.
- BEDr. Becky
[sighs]
- 16:13 – 17:44
Kids aren’t scared by information—they’re scared by confusion
- BEDr. Becky
I really mean this. I wish I, I could be sitting next to you right now. I would, you know, before I said any of this, I would just give you a hug, and I'm so sorry that happened to you. [sighs] So what about you and your daughter? A couple ideas, and then we can turn it into some scripts and kind of actionable strategies. Information isn't what scares kids, right? What really scares kids is when they notice kind of odd things in their environment. Odd, meaning things they register, but things that nobody explains to them. Odd in that I see all kind of the pieces of a puzzle, but nobody's creating a whole image. I see the dots in the connect the dots, but nobody's connecting them for me. That feels really, really nerve-wracking to kids. So if you're in a home where other grandparents are involved, and kids ask things like, "Oh, did your mom die? Do you have a mom?" And we say things like, "Yeah, I do, but yeah, it's complicated," that's way more overwhelming for a child than sitting down with a child and explaining to them something that on some level feels unexplainable, but you can put words to. A child is going to worry about their own parent leaving them. They're gonna worry about that more if this is happening around them and nobody's explaining it to them. Then they will worry about that if it's happening around them and they have a parent who sits down and essentially says something like, "Let's talk
- 17:44 – 18:45
Reassurance vs. presence: the goal is “I’m here,” not erasing feelings
- BEDr. Becky
about something really tricky." When we name things, kids can understand things. When kids understand things, they feel safer. I'm thinking a lot about the word reassurance. Uh, I, I'm just gonna kind of share some things that are coming to mind. Reassurance to me is a really complicated word. It never sits right with me. There's always something to me a little bit invalidating about the idea of reassuring anyone because I think underneath the word reassurance is some sense of I'm gonna help my child not feel what they're feeling and feeling something else instead. It just never feels exactly right. Having said that, there definitely is something to telling your child, "I won't leave you," right? That's kind of stating your intention. But I think we can replace the goal of reassurance With the goal of presence, we actually accomplish what we wanted to accomplish in the first place. We can't ever reassure someone to feel a way that they don't. What we can do is essentially say over and over, "I'm here. I'm here. I'm
- 18:45 – 23:50
Suggested script for talking about an absent mom—and how to handle kids’ questions
- BEDr. Becky
here through tricky times. I will be here. Here I am again." So how does that all come together in a script or strategy? I'd find a moment to talk to your daughter about this, especially 'cause I'm sure she's picked up on the fact that your mom isn't around, or maybe she's overheard you say to a friend one day when you didn't think she was listening, but she definitely was, "Yeah, I don't have a relationship with my mom," right? Our kids pick up on everything. How would I say it? I'm gonna share some words, but please, uh, they're not right words. All right? They're just one way of kind of managing. "I have something pretty tricky to explain to you, but in our family, we'll talk about things that are true even if they're uncomfortable and tricky. You will always get the truth from me because I know we can get through tricky things together. So I know you've heard me talk about my mom. I know I've told you my mom isn't dead, so she's alive, and you probably are wondering where she is and what's going on. This is the tricky part. My mom's alive. I actually don't know where she is. I haven't talked to her in 20 years. I don't have a relationship with her." Then I'd pause. Notice what's going on for your child. If your child does say something like, "Uh, could I have those gummy snacks now, please?" And seems kind of totally on a different page, what I'd say there is, "Huh, gummy snacks. Oh, I just said something really tricky. Maybe you're letting me know we need to pause, and we can come back to talk about it another time. We can definitely do that." So I would kind of name that process. The other things I would try to share with your daughter at some point are, "This is very sad and very rare. Do you know what rare means? It means something that doesn't happen a lot. Very, very rare to not have a relationship with a mom. Here's something else I know. I will never, ever, ever not have a relationship with you." Different way of saying that is, "I will always, always, always have a relationship with you. I will always, always, always be in your life. I will never not talk to you. You will always know where I am. You will always be able to call me. What happened between me and my mom will not happen between me and you." In terms of reassurance versus presence, right, what I think we're doing here is, of course, we're giving our child that message of, "This is different," but I think what your child is really gonna pick up on is, "Wow, this is tricky. This is messy, and my parent doesn't walk away from that conversation. My parent is in that experience with me." How can we do that even further? I think the way we answer a child's questions. So at some point, that conversation or later, your daughter will probably say, "Why?" or, "What about this?" or, "What about when you did this?" or, "What about if I did something so bad? Would you do that to me?" How can we answer those questions? Number one, answer questions by encouraging the asking of questions. "That is such a great question. I'm so glad you asked me that. I'm so glad you let me know the concerns you have. I'm so glad you let me know what's on your mind. You can always come to me with the things you're worried about or the things you wanna know." That matters so much. Every time a kid asks us a question, they might be looking for an answer, but really, we can capitalize on the opportunity to shore up our relationship with them. What else can you do is name what you don't know. "That's a great question. I don't know exactly what was going on for my mom. I don't know exactly the things that are happening for her now. It's hard not to know things, right? At least when we don't know, we can talk about it with each other, and I know we'll get through it together." That's how I'm almost doing presence even in this really tricky topic. Here's the other thing about a kid's questions we should keep in mind. Often, a kid's question is just a worry disguised, right? So, "Well, does your mom not talk to you because you were really, really mean to her?" And answering that question could be, "No, that's not why." But what might be a kind of answer that really speaks to a worry? "Hmm, I think you're wondering what would happen between us if you say really mean things to me. Let me just tell you right now, I know that when kids say mean things, they're really struggling, and there's nothing you could ever say to me that would ever make me not love you, that would ever change how much I want you as my daughter and how much I will always be your parent." So I think during a conversation about this, and definitely after, I would just kind of be on the lookout for questions from your daughter that might be kind of disguised worries and to speak to that. I wanna thank you again for
- 23:50 – 27:59
Three closing takeaways: identity, limits with parents, and naming hard truths
- BEDr. Becky
talking about this here. I wanna tell you, you are certainly an amazing, brave cycle-breaker, and your daughter's really lucky to have you. [gentle music] I wanna tie this all together with three takeaways. One, you, yes, you, are not attempting to be a cycle-breaker. You are a cycle-breaker. Cycle-breakers don't get things perfect. Nobody gets things perfect. Cycle-breakers give something different to their child and repair for the moments that don't feel good. Two, we can't make our parents change. I'm just gonna take a deep breath around that, 'cause in fact, I think that's one of the trickiest but also most important parts of being a cycle-breaker, realizing I can give something different to my kids, and I then will manage what that means in my relationship with my parents and my family of origin, but I can't necessarily get them on board. I can't make them change. Three, naming things helps kids understand things. Information doesn't scare kids. It's confusion that scares kids. So talk to your children about what's happening, and don't be afraid to name the things that they are probably already picking up on in their environment. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co-creating episodes with you based on the real-life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543, or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcast@gmail.com. There are so many more strategies and tips I wanna share with you, and so many Good Inside parents I want you to meet. I'm beyond excited that we now have a way to connect and learn together. Head to goodinside.com to learn more about Good Inside Membership. I promise you, it's totally game-changing. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook, @drbeckyatgoodinside, for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, and executive produced by Erica Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it, or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. Why is it so hard to find reliable answers to parenting questions? How is it in 2022 parents still search on Google for answers from strangers? Well, now there's a better way. Introducing the Good Inside Membership, an expert-guided, community-powered platform redefining modern parenting. In our library, you'll find hundreds of bite-sized videos, articles, scripts, and workshops tackling the trickiest parenting topics, and it doesn't stop here. We've created a private community guided by me, Dr. Becky, and coaches trained in the Good Inside parenting method. Here, you can ask questions, connect with other parents, or attend a live event on a topic that matters to you. This is the parenting handbook that doesn't exist. This is parenting advice at your fingertips, where you need it, when you need it the most. This is Good Inside Membership.
Episode duration: 28:20
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