Calling All "Good Girls"

1. 0:00 – 1:34

   The hidden question: “Am I allowed to want?”

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:00

      So many of us struggle to locate and express our needs. I want us to think about that together today because I think it's kind of universal. So many times when I'm with friends, we'll complain about so many things in our life. But when someone in the group says, "Okay, I know there's a lot that's hard, but what do you want? What is it that you actually want?" We kind of look at each other like, what do we want? And I think underneath that is this kind of unconscious question: Am I allowed to want? Am I allowed to want things for myself? I mean, I know how I feel when my wants and needs aren't met, but am I allowed to proactively want and need things from other people, from the world? And I think this conversation is deeply connected to this two-word phrase that was kind of always in the ether when we were growing up. I still think it is today. Ready for it? Good girl. [gulps] Kind of have the heebie-jeebies when I hear it. Oh, she's such a good girl. Becky is such a good girl. Becky was such a good girl on the play date. Be a good girl. [exhales] Today, I want to talk about how these things all relate. Wanting things, other people maybe feeling inconvenienced along the way, what it really means to be a good girl, and what lessons we took from that. And

2. 1:34 – 3:07

   Reclaiming March: celebrating what women take (time, space, rest)

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:34

      there's no better time to kind of talk about these themes than March. In March, we celebrate women, and a lot of times we celebrate what women give, their accomplishments in the world, how they've often taken care of a lot of people. I have a really bold idea. I'm almost... [chuckles] Maybe it's my own wiring. My heart's racing. I'm a little nervous to say it. What if there was a moment in March, I'm gonna go crazy, what if we claimed a day to celebrate what women take, what we take for ourselves? Time, space. Get ready for this word, rest. Meeting our own needs. And so get ready. [upbeat music] Get ready to think about what it means to know what we want, to put our wants out there, to manage people's reaction, to rethink being a good girl, and to look at women not only for what we give but for what we take. There's something I want you to ask yourself, and at first it's gonna feel confusing, but I'm gonna say it a couple times. I promise you we're gonna get to something really deep. Were you allowed to want? I'll say it a different way. Were you allowed to want things

3. 3:07 – 3:37

   A clarifying distinction: wanting vs. getting

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:07

      for yourself? And I'll add one more nuance. When you were younger, were you allowed to want things for yourself even if they inconvenienced other people? Really ask ourselves that. Was I allowed to want things for myself even if they inconvenienced other people? Now, it's important to separate this from something

4. 3:37 – 4:38

   Why parenting triggers feel bigger than the moment

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:37

      else. So am I allowed to get things that I want, even if it inconvenienced my family? That's not what I'm talking about. Wanting and getting are two different things. So here's why it's so important to really have an understanding of how our past comes alive today. See, we have these moments as parents all the time, and if you're like me, you think, "Okay, it was definitely annoying that my kid was whining about their grilled cheese being cut the wrong way. Definitely annoying. But what's going on that I exploded?" See, we think we need our kids' behavior to change to feel better, but here's the amazing thing, 'cause it's much more empowering than relying on your young kid to make you feel better. As soon as you have a better understanding of why you have such a big reaction to your kids whining, things already feel more hopeful, and you'll feel much more empowered because you have clarity, which is often the thing we're missing. And gaining

5. 4:38 – 6:09

   “Every struggle has a story”: lessons learned about vulnerability

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy4:38

      clarity on our present often comes from understanding our past. So let's say you grew up in a pull-up-your-bootstraps kind of family. Let's say you grew up in a, "Oh, you're crying and complaining? I'll give you something to cry and complain about," kind of family. Well, what is the lesson you had to learn when you were younger? Probably something like, "Ooh, being vulnerable and having my emotions take over and spill out, not okay." Not only not okay, dangerous. Why is it dangerous? Because you got this really harsh reaction from your parents. Again, not blaming them. They probably had parents who had harsh reactions with them when they were younger, right? And so you had to learn to take your vulnerable, maybe helpless, upset, 'cause that's whining, right? "Oh, I'm so upset. This isn't going the way I wanted, and I don't know how to handle it, so it's spilling out." You, when you were a kid, had to learn to talk to those emotions in such a way that they didn't come out. Maybe it was, "What's wrong with you? You are so ungrateful." Even if no one said that to you, you might have learned how to say that to yourself just so you would stop yourself from being so vulnerable and kind of getting in trouble or getting scared by your caregivers who you love so much. Okay. So that's looking back, but this is not about

6. 6:09 – 8:42

   Time travel in the nervous system: from your childhood to your kid’s whining

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy6:09

      looking back on our past, and lying on a couch, and just waxing poetic. No, no, no. This is gonna be useful and practical. So if that was your past, how does the, that relate to your moment where your nervous system gets so overactive when your kid says, "Oh, I wanted it cut in a rectangle, I hate triangles," even though they always wanted a triangle every other day of their life? Okay. Well, your kid is feeling helpless. Your kid is feeling vulnerable. That's always underneath whining. And then when you see your kid in that moment, the way your past comes alive in your present is your body kind of looks inside itself and says, "What do I know about helplessness? What do I know about vulnerable, upset, this did not go the way I wanted it to go feelings?" Are those feelings safe to express, or are those feelings dangerous? Well, your body scans the lessons you learned from your past, and what does your body say? "N- no go. No go. Danger. Danger. Five alarm fire." And what is that voice you might have developed? It's a voice you used to say to yourself, "Stop it." For me, it would be, "Becky, what's wrong with you?" And then there's like a time travel. Instead of it being the 1980s, right, it is 2025, but your body doesn't know that, and what you end up saying to your kid is almost what you had to learn to say to yourself in the 1980s, because that's the inventory your body just went through, and all of a sudden you're saying to your kid, "What's wrong with you? Why are you so spoiled? You're so lucky to have someone making you grilled cheese." And later, part of you is saying, "Yeah, my kid's so annoying," but a part of you is saying, "I just wish I handled that moment differently." And this understanding is key. I wish I handled it differently, and my nervous system was probably in a place where it almost confused 2025 for like 1987. So again, our past influences our present. Our nervous system today isn't just responding to a moment with our kid, it's responding to the lessons we learned decades ago, and how those lessons get reactivated in the present. Every struggle has a story to tell. For example, let's say

7. 8:42 – 10:44

   The skiing example: what it means to be allowed to want

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy8:42

      your whole family like to go skiing, and you kind of always hated skiing and you hated being cold. When I talk about, were you allowed to want to not go skiing, that doesn't necessarily mean your whole family changed their ski plans or got you a babysitter. That would be, that would mean getting to not go skiing while it inconvenienced your family. I'm simply talking about, were you allowed to want things? Let me tell you what I mean. You wake up in the morning, you're like, "I hate skiing. I hate skiing. Everyone skis all the time in my family. I hate skiing." Being allowed to want something for yourself, even if it inconveniences others, would mean you maybe got a response like this, "I get it. We go skiing every weekend. Everyone loves it except for you. You kind of hate being cold. I believe you. This part of family life on a weekend kind of stinks for you." Now, I want to be clear. There's a lot of families where what would follow that would be having to get in ski clothes and go anyway, because they couldn't change everything. But most adults I talk to tell me in that type of situation, and please extrapolate to something that has nothing to do with skiing. We all have our kind of specific examples that are different, even though a lot of our core struggles are remarkably identical. Because most parents I talk to say, "Oh my goodness, Becky, is that a joke? You think that's what my family would have said to me?" It was, "You're so selfish. You think about nobody but yourself. What is wrong with you?" And then this kind of winner, "You ruin everything. You ruin everything. Look at your brother. Look at your sister. You ruin everything."

8. 10:44 – 11:45

   When wants feel dangerous: fear of conflict and loss of closeness

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy10:44

      Let's go back to the question. Did I learn that it was okay to want things for myself even though it inconvenienced other people, or did I learn my wants, my personal desires are dangerous in relationships. My wants, my personal desires threaten closeness. When I want things for myself, and I voice those things, and they're at odds with what would make someone else's life easy, I end up feeling scared, and I end up feeling like my relationship with that person is in trouble. Remember, we're not talking about getting what you want. We're talking about being able to know what you want and voice it. And I just want you to know that it's so easy

9. 11:45 – 12:48

   Self-compassion isn’t “letting yourself off the hook”

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy11:45

      to think next, "Oh, so it's okay? So it's just okay that I yell at my kids?" This is not about okay and not okay. None of us want to yell at our kids in a triggered way. But so often because we don't want to do something, we're harsh on ourself. We chastise ourself, which ironically makes it impossible to change. Every struggle has a story to tell, and I promise you- Self-compassion isn't dangerous. We might have learned that it was because maybe it was so rare to receive compassion that when we try it on with ourselves, our body has this very confused, panic feeling. Ah, foreign body coming in. What is compassion? I have no magnet for that. I've never felt like that before. Gotta get it out. But I just want you to consider that compassion is new, compassion will feel unfamiliar, and

10. 12:48 – 16:53

    Deconstructing the “good girl” message

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy12:48

       compassion is not dangerous. Let's talk about what it means to be a good girl. See, this is a phrase I never thought about a lot until recently, even though it's said all the time. I mean, I hear it all the time just in passing, "Oh, she's such a good girl. Your daughter? Oh, she's such a good girl." Or it's like a command, "Be a good girl when you go to your friend's house." And I think about situations where I hear this phrase, and it's often things like this. Okay? So there's a group of kids, and let's say every single kid wants the red marker, okay? "Be a good girl and share." Or, "Ugh, your daughter was such a good girl on the play date. There was this one kid, ooh, a little difficult, hoarding the red marker. Your daughter, ugh, not a care in the world. Just such a good girl. Be a good girl when you leave the play date. No whining, no complaining." Another example, "Ugh, Mommy's having a really rough day. Be a good girl," and fill in the blank with something that means taking care of your own parents' needs. Now, let me just clear the air. Do I think kids should not share? Do I think kids should never be calm when they leave a play date? Do I think a kid should never care about their parents' feelings? No, of course, everything in moderation. But this whole idea of a good girl, the more that I thought about it, I kept feeling a little creeped out. It's like one of these things that has a phrase that feels like a throwaway phrase, "Good girl. Yeah, she's like being a good girl." Or it seems like a phrase that's really nice. Who wouldn't want their kid to be called a good girl? There's a lot of control, and there's a lot of cultural messaging. And I remembered one day I thought something that since I just can't unthink it, and, and so I just wanted [chuckles] to share it with you. Is being a good girl just a way of saying, "I care more about what everyone wants of me than what I want for myself"? Is that like all it really means? And just what an amazing shorthand to say that and to control little girls growing into women who still feel that way because when we're younger, if we're told there's a way to be lovable and worthy and get value, you better bet we're gonna try to hold on to that for the [chuckles] rest of our lives 'cause that's what life is kind of all about. Pay attention to what's going on in your environment. Notice what other people want. Run yourself in circles to make those things happen. And the only thing that's really not allowed, the thing that will really get in your way, so let me give you some advice, is get as far away as possible from what you might want for yourself. Do not look inward. Do no, no, no, no, no. [chuckles] That will get in your way of being an expert in what he wants and what she wants and what they want. And if you practice this enough when you're younger, maybe you will also become a woman who actually one day will say, "I actually have no idea what I want. Do I want things for myself?" I've created so many layers that protect me from even hearing those wants or feeling those wants because remember, that's how I get love and attention and safety. Is that what it really means to be a good girl? To be convenient to everyone else at

11. 16:53 – 17:54

    Beyond extremes: practicing the skill of wanting and speaking up

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy16:53

       the expense of a lot of kind of emptiness and anxiety and self-abandonment? That's the thing. Once I thought it, I kind of couldn't unthink. And it's not like I think we should all go to the opposite direction. I don't wanna teach my daughter the world is about knowing what you want at all times and getting it and scorched earth along the way. That's not what I'm saying. As always, there's a better answer than two extremes. But I guess I think we need to play around with the other [chuckles] side here and there to have something a little bit more moderate. We need even examples. What does it look like to know what you want? What does it look like to speak up for what you want? What does it look like, even if it's just in one moment, to care more about getting

12. 17:54 – 21:26

    Discomfort as a signal of newness + affirmations to unlearn “good girl” conditioning

    1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy17:54

       what you want than being convenient to everyone else in your orbit? And that's kind of the thing that's exciting me right now to think about. I wanna end by speaking to a couple things that might be going on inside of you, and then also maybe sharing some words that part of you, maybe it is that good girl part [chuckles] , might need to hear. First of all, something I try to remember myself is discomfort is a sign we're doing something new, not something wrong. And I would go so far as to say discomfort is sometimes just a sign we're thinking about something new, not that we're thinking about something that is wrong. So if you know that thinking about your own wants and needs and the thought of speaking up for them and maybe even having someone else be inconvenienced along the way, if you would say to yourself, "Oh, that's pretty new. I've become pretty expert at kind of caregiving for the world and running myself into the ground," then the way you will feel, I would say the way you should feel, is uncomfortable. That might mean, "Ooh, this feels weird." It might mean a literal racing heart. It might mean thoughts of danger because your body is telling you this is something new, and anytime we do something new, it always feels uncomfortable. Now, I just want you to know for whatever it's worth, I have a lot of faith in you, that you can tolerate uncomfortable things, that you can consider new uncomfortable thoughts, and I don't want you to think you have any homework. I guess I just think there's power in kind of playing around with these ideas. That might mean talking to someone about them, might be journaling. It might mean re-listening to this episode and pausing when something really strikes you. It might just mean saying something to yourself like, "Ooh, I have become really good at recognizing everyone else's wants and needs, kind of at the expense of my own." That's all. Now, I told you I wanted to share some words you might need to hear, and I'm wondering if you as a whole need to hear them or if this kind of good girl persona we've all practiced and developed so well, if it's that part that needs to hear these words. I know that part of me still does. You don't need to be perfect to be loved. It is okay to want things for yourself. Your value is not determined by anticipating everyone else's needs. Conflict in a relationship is normal and healthy, and the answer isn't that you inherently did something wrong. And last, you're not too much. [gentle music] You never have been. You never will be. All right. Bye for now. I'll see you soon. [music fades]

Episode duration: 21:27