Compassion Isn’t Dangerous

1. 0:00 – 1:31

   Toddler birthday parties as a trigger: resistance, clinging, and last-minute meltdowns

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      So I was recently at a birthday party for a toddler. It was a family friend. I don't have a toddler right now, but it really brought me back to toddler birthday parties with one of my kids, and they were so painful. I'm gonna tell you the arc, okay? My kid would always start the morning of, "I'm not going to this birthday party. I don't wanna go, and too many people," and I think back then, if I really am honest, I just got really activated. I was just like, "It's not a big deal. You know all these kids in your class," or, "You know your cousin," or, "You know this gymnastics place," whatever it was. It would always kind of be some fire. I would get frustrated. I'd kind of go like this internally, like, "Ugh." We'd get there. My child would cling to me a- as if, I don't even know, there was some, like, massive threat of my child being abducted and taken from me, even though we were almost always in a situation with people we knew and in an environment she knew. I'd feel annoyed. Eventually, she would join the birthday party, and it would usually be with, like, five minutes left of the activity, and then sure enough, it was, like, pizza and cake, and then my child would come back to me hysterically crying that the birthday party was so short. You and I know a lot of choice words I wanted to say. That's what happens when you join, you know, for the last five minutes of a 90-minute activity. Um, and then often with the pizza and the birthday cake, it was like, "Oh, I didn't get the seat next to the birthday party friend, and I really wanted that seat," or, "Oh my goodness, I wanted the flower

2. 1:31 – 2:02

   The missing ingredient: how judgment replaces compassion in hard moments

   1. BEDr. Becky1:31

      and the cake, and my friend got the flower, and I didn't get the flower." It was just really, really challenging. But here's what I reflected on now that I have older kids, and I was a little bit more in kind of bird's-eye view in this situation this past weekend where there were a bunch of the toddlers, I realized, having a hard time at this birthday party. Something that was in limited supply when I was going through that time was compassion. I

3. 2:02 – 4:03

   Why compassion feels “dangerous” (and the core claim of the episode)

   1. BEDr. Becky2:02

      was so triggered. I felt so annoyed. I was so judgmental, and it just really made me think about how common it is to lead with judgment, to lead with criticism, to lead with, like, seeing your kid or their distress as the enemy, and how compassion has almost become something in our minds, and I think there's a lot of reasons for this. It's not because we're cruel-hearted people. That is almost deemed as dangerous. I can't be compassionate to my kid, like something bad's gonna happen. Compassionate about their resistance to the birthday party, compassionate about not getting a flower, compassionate about being sad that it's over. It's almost like we view compassion as dangerous. And I just started to think after this birthday party, like, what if, what if we knew that compassion wasn't dangerous? What if we saw it as safe, as important, as helpful? I think this matters, as scientifically backed, and as a source of strength, not as something that causes weakness. And so that's what I wanna jump into today. Compassion isn't dangerous. Let's get into it. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. Okay, let's jump into why we fear compassion, and why do we as parents fear, in some ways, being compassionate toward our kids in their hard moments? And I wanna answer this in two ways. First, I wanna say the first thing that comes to mind, and I think this is where me and a lot of my friends, this is, like, kind of the first thing we say to each other. Then I'm wanting to get to the second thing. I think there's a deeper reason why that's probably

4. 4:03 – 4:33

   Fear #1: “Compassion will make my kid soft”

   1. BEDr. Becky4:03

      more true than the first reason. Okay, let's get to the first reason. I think we worry that being compassionate toward our kids, especially when they're having a big reaction to something we deem to be a small, childish thing, we think that compassion is going to lead to our kids being soft, being snowflakes. My kid has to know how the world works. No one cares if you don't get the flower on a cake when you're an adult, and I

5. 4:33 – 6:05

   How compassion builds internal resilience and stops spirals

   1. BEDr. Becky4:33

      want to prepare you for that eventuality. I wanna make you strong. I don't want you to have a meltdown when you're 18 or 48 about fill in the blank. Now, just to break this down a little bit, and again, I've thought these things myself, being compassionate to your kid when they're young does not lead to your kid being soft when they're old. Interestingly, the way we respond to our kids today has the biggest impact on how they respond to themselves when they're older, and the ability to say to yourself, "Oh, that stinks. Oh, I didn't want that to happen. Oh, that makes sense that this is hard," ironically is the thing that stops you from spiraling. You've already ended the loop. Something was hard. You named it for yourself. This is hard. I'm allowed to have a hard time. Oh, this is disappointing. Yes, it is, and I'm allowed to feel that way. That actually ends the loop of that feeling faster than almost anything else because we're all searching for compassion. We're searching to be understood, and so when we berate ourselves, ironically, that makes us so much softer because we're not able to deal with the feeling because it lasts longer and gets even bigger. Having said that, I almost don't even wanna entertain the question because the question, does compassion when our kids are young make them soft, weak adults when they're old? I think it just allows us to walk down a

6. 6:05 – 8:07

   The deeper reason compassion feels unsafe: it’s unfamiliar from our own childhoods

   1. BEDr. Becky6:05

      path that is just a lot less productive than a different, deeper, more self-reflective, more true path. And here's what I think it's really about. Why does compassion feel dangerous to our kids? Anything that's new tends to feel dangerous because our body is kind of saying, "Oh, what is this? What is this response? What is this feeling? I do not have this in excess. I don't know what this is. What is this foreign body?" And you know what our body tends to do with foreign bodies? Reject it. Read it as a danger before you figure out if it's safe. And I think for most parents, compassion was in such kind of limited supply, was so rare, maybe was completely absent from your own childhood when you were struggling, that your body reads compassion as dangerous even though it's actually just new. It's unfamiliar. Now, the irony is if you want to kind of give something to your kids that's even slightly different than what you received, you're going to feel like that new thing is dangerous. It's going to bring an uncomfortable feeling in your body. So in a way, I think we have this kind of amazing framework. Compassion does kind of feel dangerous because it's new, and if I'm trying to be a cycle breaker, then that new dangerous feeling is maybe the best signal I have that I'm actually giving something very different to my kids. Compassion

7. 8:07 – 9:40

   Self-regulation 101: feelings are inevitable; the response determines the outcome

   1. BEDr. Becky8:07

      is a huge part of self-regulation, and just to define what self-regulation is, self-regulation is our ability to have a feeling and not be taken over by it. I think that's really important, because maybe some of us think, even unconsciously, self-regulation means I don't have hard feelings. That's not a possibility. Everybody in the world feels mad. Everybody in the world feels jealous. Everybody in the world feels disappointed, and less than other people, and sad. That's just part of being human. So if we think about the feeling as kind of one of your fists, and then you think about the other fist as how you respond to that feeling, those two things together determine how a feeling lives in your body, and whether you're able to regulate the feeling and move on and make a good decision, or whether the feeling takes over you, in which case we tend to be very, very reactive. I want you to think about compassion as one of the key ways we can make a feeling more manageable. So in a way, if you're, let's say, less than feeling, "I got fired from a job. I feel less than. I feel unworthy," let's say that spikes, which of course it would if you got fired from a job, or for your kid, of course it would if you weren't invited to a birthday party. Kind of the same situation, except one is when you're, I don't know, 45, and one is when you're five, okay? You're both gonna have hard feelings.

8. 9:40 – 11:42

   Invalidation adds fuel: how criticism enlarges a child’s pain (and becomes their inner voice)

   1. BEDr. Becky9:40

      Compassion is one of the key things that can help that feeling not explode further, and can almost make it smaller. Not smaller like suppress it, but smaller like, "Wait, this feeling is a part of me, not all of me." Because let's take your five-year-old not being invited to a birthday party. Now, I get it. For me too, it's easier to say, we have an urge right away, "It's not a big deal. You guys aren't even really friends. Some people get invited, some people don't. Ah, you'll get invited to the next one." Right? Or, "Why are you making such a big deal out of this? It's really not a big deal. Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." So what's happening for my kid in any of those situations is they feel less than, unworthy, disappointed. If I add my criticism, my invalidation, the feeling just gets bigger. It's so counterproductive. Plus, my kid has learned to pair hard feelings with an invalidating self-critical voice. Well, guess what? A parent's voice becomes a child's self-talk, meaning when I approach my kid's distress with invalidation, "You're making a big deal out of nothing," and criticism, "You're such a crybaby," what is happening in my kid's body is now they're more likely when they get older, and let's say what's happening when they're older is they get fired from a job, they're more likely to say to themselves, "I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm such a crybaby," which guess what? Is only going to make it more difficult for them to find their feet, find their confidence, find their self-trust, find their resilience, and actually move on and figure out what they want to do next, and it will get in their way of reflecting. "I wonder why I got fired. I wonder if there's a pattern I should pay attention

9. 11:42 – 13:13

   Compassion + limits: validating feelings while holding boundaries

   1. BEDr. Becky11:42

      to. Is there anything I can learn?" When you're overwhelming yourself with invalidation and self-criticism, your body can't get grounded enough. It can't recover enough to do that higher level work of self-reflection and kind of planning for the future. When instead a parent's voice is something like this, "Oh, you really wanted to go to that birthday party. It makes sense you're upset." And listen, I know there's going to be a day when it doesn't feel this hard, and yes, you are going to school tomorrow. We're not gonna miss school just because you're upset. You're upset, that is real, and I know you're going to get through it." Okay, let's fast-forward 40 years. [sighs] I'm upset I got fired from my job. Of course I'm upset. I'm allowed to be upset. That makes sense, and I might give myself one day to stay in bed, but after that, I'm gonna get out of bed. I'm gonna get into a routine. I'm gonna figure this out. That is what we want for our kids when they're older, and that doesn't just happen with age. What happens when we're older is we activate the circuitry that was put in place when we're younger, and I think what I'm trying to illustrate here is the circuitry that leads to resilience and growth and self-reflection starts with compassion. So remember how I said that there is science to back up the idea that compassion and self-compassion

10. 13:13 – 14:15

    The science: Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion and motivation

    1. BEDr. Becky13:13

       is part of resilience and is not the same thing as self-pity? I wanna prove it to you. Now, I don't know if you all know Kristin Neff. She's amazing. She's probably one of, if not the leading researcher on the impact of self-compassion. I just wanna read a few things her research has established. Contrary to the fear that self-compassion makes people complacent, Neff's research shows that it increases motivation. Compassion after failure makes people more likely to persevere and try again, as compared to those who self-criticize. Also, self-compassion helps people take responsibility for mistakes without spiraling into shame. That's huge. A couple other things, I'm gonna put my computer away. Self-compassion correlates with lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, and self-compassion acts as an emotional buffer, helping people handle challenges with greater resilience.

11. 14:15 – 16:17

    Self-compassion vs. self-pity: the “gym morning” example

    1. BEDr. Becky14:15

       Let me double-click on the difference between self-compassion and self-pity, and there's someone out there, Joshua, it's you, who has really kind of helped me see this difference, and he said to me, "Dr. Becky, so many of your deeper materials at Good Inside," I think honestly for him it was a lot of the stuff around re-parenting, where he said, "I finally understand that self-compassion doesn't mean me waking up in the morning and saying, 'I don't wanna go to the gym.' 'Oh, Joshua, okay, stay in bed.'" He said, "I always thought that's what self-compassion was, and so I stayed away from it, but you helped me see that's not self-compassion." Self-compassion in kind of the Good Inside way is saying to yourself, "I really don't wanna go to the gym. That makes sense. It's 6:00 in the morning and I'm tired. Most people would want to stay in bed, and two things are true. I am tired, and I see the version of myself that's going to feel proud for going, and I know I can do something even when I don't want to do it, and this is going to make me feel so good about myself, and I really deserve those feelings." Now, interestingly, Joshua said to me, "There are still some mornings where I don't go to the gym. It's not like there's anything magical, but I've noticed when I say those two things to myself, acknowledging why my feelings make sense, and also really believing in myself, I'm getting to the gym more often. [laughs] I'm actually able to feel more motivated, and I can have less shame in the moments when I do say, 'This is a bed morning, not a gym morning.'" That's the difference. Self-compassion doesn't keep you stuck. Self-compassion might wonder why you're stuck from a

12. 16:17 – 19:58

    Two-pillars takeaway: compassion for your kid and for you (plus a guided practice)

    1. BEDr. Becky16:17

       most generous interpretation perspective, and helps you see a path to getting unstuck. That's why self-compassion is not self-pity. So here's what I want you to think about today. Compassion often feels dangerous because it's new, not because it's wrong, and I think there's two things we can kind of think about in terms of how to action on this, and these two pillars to me is kind of what makes Good Inside, Good Inside. I love your kids, and I love helping you show up for them in different ways that make you really feel proud of yourself, and where you watch the impact on their resilience and confidence and the things that matter long-term. And two things are true. I want you to really know, and I mean this very directly, I am here for you, too, not just meaning for you to be a better parent to your kid or be a parent in the way that feels better to you. No. For you. If you have not received a lot of compassion in your life, I want you to develop a small practice around compassion, not just for your kid's benefit, for your benefit. You deserve healing and growth and self-confidence. You deserve to feel a little bit more at peace with who you are, and I promise you, as that happens for you, your kid is going to naturally benefit without any concrete script or strategy. So let's think about both from here. Maybe ask yourself, "Who is it harder for me to give compassion to? Is it my kid? Is it myself? Is it equally hard?" And maybe we could take a moment right here and just do it together, 'cause I talk a good game about compassion, but it's not exactly my forte either. I'm quick to criticize and judge myself and my kids. So maybe I'm doing this for you. Maybe I'm doing this for myself. [laughs] Maybe two things are true. Just place a hand on your heart, and I want you to think of one thing that's kind to say to yourself. I'll share a few, and that way if these words are hard, which only means they're new, you can try one of these on. I listened to this whole podcast today. I'm pretty amazing. It makes sense that this whole parenting and being an adult thing is hard. It feels hard because it is hard, not because I'm doing something wrong. I'm doing a lot. I hear the list of things I'm not doing. It's just more practiced for me to hear that list than to hear the list of all the ways I'm showing up. I am showing up, and that really matters. [outro music] I'm sending you a hug, I'm sending you my belief in you, and I'm sending you an extra dose of compassion, which I promise is not dangerous. Talk to you soon.

Episode duration: 19:58