EVERY SPOKEN WORD
15 min read · 3,161 words- 0:00 – 1:30
Why “inconvenient woman” is about daily moments (not dramatic escapes)
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
Okay, so this is part two of our series about what it means to be an inconvenient woman. What does that really mean? Now, I, I just wanna set things straight. This is not gonna be an episode where I share with you my month-long vacation in Bali away from my whole family to be an inconvenient woman. That's never happened, and I don't think that's really accessible for most of us, and that is really, really kind of far away from the pragmatic kind of day-to-day that we all live. I wanna share with you something that to me is the essence of what I think about around being an inconvenient woman, and I just want you to take whatever you imagine and bring it down, like, 39 notches. Okay? Because the story that comes to mind that I think about all the time is this moment in an airport. It has to do with my coffee order. And if you're thinking, "Becky, are you gonna talk to me for the next 20-something minutes about your coffee order?" You bet I am. Because in this moment, my whole past came alive. I think so many ideas around gender came alive. In some ways, the conflict between taking care of my own needs and taking care of someone else's imagined needs all came alive. And I wanna dissect this because I think we have moments like this every single day. And if we, instead of running past this, kind of elongate what is really happening and how does our past come into play today, and how can we shift things
- 1:30 – 2:31
The airport coffee incident as a trigger for deeper questions
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
a little bit, and what do we have to get ready for, and what do we have to question and reframe and learn and unlearn? That's what we're gonna be doing today. So I promise you something accessible, relatable, and very, very usable. Let's jump in. Okay, so there I was in an airport, and I was desperate for coffee. It was a super early flight I was on. I was actually flying somewhere for Good Inside for work, and I am a major morning coffee person. I mean, separately, I don't know about you, I can't have an iced coffee before I've had a hot coffee. Like, I need my hot coffee, and it kind of sets up the whole rest of my day. Okay, so I'm in line at the airport. I get to the front, and this is what I say: "Hi. Can I just have a medium coffee? Just a really little bit of milk." Right? Because just between us, I really don't like my coffee very, very light, but I also like it with a little bit of milk. And I remember saying that 'cause it's always my coffee order, just a little bit of milk, and I did this thing with my hand. Okay, I then kinda pay. I move to the side where they're kinda getting the coffees ready. They are like, "Becky,
- 2:31 – 4:06
The internal debate: needs, discomfort, and fear of being ‘selfish’
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
here's your coffee." I get it. I open it up, and it was basically white. Okay? I, I, I don't even know if there was any coffee in there. I mean, it was very, very light. Like, I don't know if your heart is racing. I feel like my whole world came alive in that moment. [laughs] It was kind of like this existential question came up, and I'm gonna name it here because I remember it feeling really big 'cause it didn't just feel like it was about coffee. Am I allowed to want things for myself? Am I allowed to have something that I want to be a certain way? Am I allowed to ask someone to do something for me knowing it will kind of be a moment of inconvenience for them? If I ask for this coffee to be redone, do I have kind of the fortitude to tolerate the eye roll or the deep breath, [sighs] sigh that might come my way? What is everyone around me going to think if I ask for something to be done again to meet my needs? On the other hand, can I make this work? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Would
- 4:06 – 5:37
Where it started: ‘good girl’ conditioning and taking up less space
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
other people react this way? And then the S word. Am I being selfish? [laughs] Just, like, so selfish, whole line of people. I really, really believe everything came alive in that moment. Now, I wanna tell you what I did, but I just wanna rewind because we all have so much historical context that goes into how we respond in a moment. When I was growing up, I was a really good girl. Now, I don't know if you listened to part one of this kind of two-part series where we kind of dissect [laughs] what does that really mean? It sounds like a nice phrase, but ooh, is it more about kind of control and kind of restricting a young girl's kind of movements in the world and the space she takes up? But let's just say I was that good girl. I didn't take up a lot of space. Definitely way back when, I don't know, I'm at a birthday party and I say something like, "Ooh, could I have a piece of cake with the kid's name on it?" You know how you always want that icing? And I get one without any icing. I just would've said, "All right. Well, cake is cake. No big deal." Okay? So that definitely was my background. But something I've worked on from childhood to young adulthood to now very much mid-adulthood is knowing that I'm allowed to want things and knowing
- 5:37 – 6:07
The missing lesson: getting needs met often annoys other people
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
that once in a while I'm allowed to have things the way that I want them. And then this is the kicker because this is the thing one day if I run a school I will teach everybody is when you get your needs met, other people will be annoyed. When you get your needs met, other people will feel inconvenienced. When you get your needs met, you often will be met with a sigh or an eye roll, at least initially. It's that second part- That I think we have to understand because there's no pure beautiful
- 6:07 – 7:09
Choosing to speak up: permission, respect, and self-support
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
moment that we can expect when we get our needs met. Okay, so let's go back to this coffee moment in the airport. I hate drinking coffee with a lot of milk. Like, I knew that about myself. I think I had done enough [laughs] I don't know, reflection around how do I like things? How do I want things? To know this coffee I was going to have to dump out the whole thing. Then I have to get back in line and pay again or probably, you know, go to a different coffee place, I don't know, many, many, you know, kind of feet away just to not face the same person. And I just remember saying to myself, "Becky, you can do this. You definitely asked for your coffee a certain way. You can speak up in a way to get your needs met and still be respectful to other people." Right? I had no plans to, like, throw the coffee or yell at someone. And it's okay to want things for yourself.
- 7:09 – 8:40
Breaking the approval trap: reactions aren’t the barometer
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
It's okay to speak up for what you want. And, and I think this is what really allowed, and I'll share the next part of the story, and it's okay for someone else to feel a little bit annoyed in the process. I think, and if I look back on my life years ago, here's, here's what I think would've happened if I spoke up for my coffee being redone. Maybe I would've said it kind of timidly, and then I would've been really hypervigilant. Like, what is the reaction of the person behind me? What is the reaction of the barista? And their reactions will tell me whether or not it was right that I asked for my coffee to be redone. I think, I don't know, I think I was almost years ago waiting for someone behind me to be like, "Ugh, amazing. Amazing job. That was the right decision. A+." Or I would want the coffee person to say, "Oh my goodness, you totally did tell me that. Of course you should ask for your coffee to be redone. High five standing up for yourself." And if they didn't do that, even if they did this years ago, okay, I would've been like, "Oh my goodness, that shrug. That shrug was basically a sign that I'm a selfish horrible person, and I held up the whole line, and I shouldn't have done this, and what's wrong with me? And now for the next two weeks I will grovel by taking care of every single person and never doing anything for myself again." I, I really think I would've done that. And when I articulate it, you may be like, "Becky, that is going really
- 8:40 – 10:43
‘Permission to want’: the 90% move that changes everything
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
far in a certain direction," but I don't know if I'm alone in kind of taking in data from the world in that way. And if I am, well, I guess I was the only one. So here's what I did. I said to myself that I could do this. That's actually step one. I think when we give ourselves permission to want something and we give ourselves permission to tolerate other people being inconvenienced along the way, it's kind of like 90% of, quote, "the work." Because now, first of all, I'm not surprised if someone seems annoyed, but I'm also not using other people's reaction as the barometer of my decision. I've already preloaded my body with kind of permission to want. I don't know. I've, I've actually never said that before, but I'm gonna pause on that 'cause my body had a reaction to that. Permission to want things. I'm giving myself permission to want something that benefits me. And so I think when it comes to the coffee, 'cause let's get concrete 'cause maybe for you it's similar, it's a coffee order. Maybe for you it's-- I always laugh 'cause I think about this moment of panic where I see something go by in a grocery kind of store when I'm paying and I'm like, "Wait, I definitely just built, bought milk yesterday. I really don't need that milk." And I'm like, "Oh," again, kind of like the coffee. Do I say, "Wait, I don't need the milk," and then they need to get the manager, and I'm looking behind me and I'm like, "Actually forget it. I actually do want 30 milks that will expire," right? So it's like we all have these moments. So concretely what I said to myself was, "I give myself permission to get my coffee the way I want it." I'm allowed
- 10:43 – 11:43
What she actually said: a clear, respectful script
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
to drink my coffee the way I had intended to have my coffee. I, I kind of feel like I'm starting, like, a revolution in saying this because yes, we're talking about coffee, but it really does feel very big. I told myself that, and then I did communicate respectfully when it was kind of my turn to communicate with the person at the register. I waited for someone else to order, and here's what I said. I said, "Ugh, excuse me. I'm noticing my coffee has a lot of milk in it. I asked for just a little bit. Would you be able to pour out some of what's in the cup and then fill up the rest with coffee so it's a little bit darker?" That's all I said. I mean, if you wanna know how the story ended, you know what's really interesting? [laughs] I can't remember if the truth was that the person kind of just said, "Sure, no problem," and just did it
- 11:43 – 12:14
The perception shift: when you stop scanning for annoyance
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
or if I just wasn't so hypervigilant to that person's reaction looking for any sign of annoyance. Like, I wonder if someone else would've said that person looked annoyed, but because I had kind of pre-given myself permission and gotten ready for a certain reaction, I actually changed the goggles I was wearing to see the situation. I honestly have no idea which it was. But I think because I had given myself that permission, my view of the situation shifted. Now, I know what you might be thinking. "Okay,
- 12:14 – 13:45
Rethinking ‘guilt’: values vs. discomfort about others’ feelings
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
Becky, that sounds like a lovely story, but the thing that would stop me from doing it is just guilt. I'd feel so guilty making someone redo my coffee. I'd feel so guilty having someone put back the milk and un-kind of scan it." And I know it's true, right? You always have to, like, put in the card and get the manager, and they have to, like, type in the code. It's very complicated, and it is a lot of steps. And you would say, "I'd feel so guilty." I don't know if that feeling is guilt that we all say gets in our way of getting what we want. See, the way I think about guilt is guilt is a feeling we have when we act out of alignment with our values. Now, in that coffee situation, if what I had said when I got it was, "Who made my coffee like this? I did not order light coffee," okay, I, I think I would've felt guilty. Why? My value is never to yell at someone. My value is never to yell at someone who's ostensibly trying to help me. My value is to treat people respectfully even when I'm upset with them. So if I had yelled those things, I would definitely feel guilty. But it's interesting the thing we say to ourselves. If I ask someone, even respectfully, to redo my coffee, "Ugh, I'd feel so guilty." And I don't think that's guilt, 'cause I doubt, and you can tell me, that what you're saying is, "My value is
- 13:45 – 16:49
The real feeling: taking ownership of other people’s distress
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
never getting anything I want for myself." Maybe I'd push it and say, I wonder if that value, even if you learned it early on, really works for you in 2025. But then I think it begs the question, well, Becky, I do feel really uncomfortable, so if it's not guilt, what is it? And let me just say right there, I believe you. There is this feeling of, "My goodness, that person's redoing my coffee." And then we say it's guilt, but changing what we call it shifts everything, okay? I think that feeling isn't guilt at all. It is our tendency to notice other people's distress and say, "Oh, you're upset. Well, I'll take that from you," and take it from their body. And we say, "I will put that in my body. I'll call it guilt, but I will take care of that feeling so you don't have to have it." That isn't guilt. That is taking ownership of other people's feelings and metabolizing the feeling for them. So I want you to really think about that difference. I wish there was some kind of really snazzy name to call that feeling. I can tell you what I do in my own life when I say, "Oh, I can't do that. I feel so guilty." Is it really guilt? Oh, wait. No, I'm not acting out of alignment with my values, and so I just call it not guilt, for lack of a better or more sophisticated term. Becky, that's not guilt. I'm allowed to get my coffee, and if someone else is annoyed, they're allowed to be annoyed. I mean, I don't know about you, but I feel a decent amount of annoyance a lot of... part of my day. I don't want anyone to purposely make me annoyed, but there's no way I was asking for my coffee to be redone to make the person inconvenienced to make them annoyed. If that was the case, you know, we can have that conversation a different time. These were just two things that had to happen. I gave myself permission to drink my coffee the way I ordered it, and if the other person felt annoyed, that is okay to allow that person to have those feelings and manage those feelings. We are so used to reaching out to someone else kind of on the other side of the tennis court and grabbing their feelings from their body and taking it into ours that no wonder we have a hard time locating what we want and need. We are so filled up with other people's emotions. And so I allowed that feeling to be someone else's. In some way, sometimes I go like this, like, "I'm gonna give it back," not out of cruelty, but just I have to give it back to its original owner. That wasn't my feeling in the first place. My feeling is struggling to speak up for what I want. I can deal with that feeling. That's enough on a kind of Monday morning. So I want you to really think about that when you consider speaking up for what you want. When you tell yourself, "I couldn't
- 16:49 – 18:42
The actionable challenge: name what you want, tolerate the inconvenience
- BKDr. Becky Kennedy
do it. It's just... I would feel too guilty," is it really guilt? Or is it really this tendency that we probably learned around being a good girl to notice everyone else's feelings at the expense of our own and to take care of everyone else's distress at the expense of actually meeting our own needs? Okay, let's get to a point of action because I love deep ideas, but I really, really like more than that a deep idea paired with an actionable strategy. I really, really do. Because when we understand something and do something about it, that is how we have small shifts that add up. So being an inconvenient woman. Well, let me just tell you the truth. I love this phrase 'cause it makes me laugh. Ooh, I'm an inconvenient woman. Sometimes I imagine saying to someone, "Don't Pardon Me. I'm an inconvenient woman." But the whole goal isn't to be inconvenient. That's not, like, my number one intention. Who can I inconvenience today? No. There's two parts. What it starts with is not being inconvenient. What it starts with, and this is your challenge today, is thinking about your I want my coffee the way I want it moment, and then just knowing if you play that out, you will have to tolerate someone else's inconvenience. That's what it means to be an inconvenient woman. It's not really inconvenience first. It's gazing in and asking yourself one thing that you want for yourself first, and second, tolerating the inherent inconvenience that always goes along with that. That's your challenge today if you seek to take it up. I can't wait to hear what you choose.
Episode duration: 18:44
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