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From Party to Parenthood: Mike “The Situation” and Lauren Sorrentino on Life After Sobriety

You might know Mike “The Situation” and Lauren Sorrentino from Jersey Shore. Today, they’re parents of three, navigating recovery and raising resilient kids. In this candid conversation with Dr. Becky in honor of National Recovery Month, they share how sobriety shapes their parenting, how they plan to talk with their children about substances, and why connection - not perfection - is the key to breaking cycles. Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4fSxbzk Your Good Inside membership might be eligible for HSA/FSA reimbursement! To learn more about how to get your membership reimbursed, check out the link here: https://www.goodinside.com/fsa-hsa-eligibility/ Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter For a full transcript of the episode, go to http://goodinside.com/podcast. When it comes to school snacks, I’ve never been the “pack my kid a portable charcuterie board” kind of parent. If you are, more power to you. I’m more of a “grab-and-go” type - I want something simple, nutritious, and easy for my kids to reach for as we’re heading out the door. That’s why I like Chomps. Their full-size meat sticks have 10 grams of protein and zero sugar. They’re filling and made from real ingredients, so it’s one less thing to think about. And if you’ve ever opened your kid’s backpack to find a half-eaten snack from who-knows-when still wrapped up in there, Chomplings are great. They’re smaller sticks (the right size to toss in a lunchbox or that little front backpack pocket) with 4 grams of protein and zero sugar. Chomps are made of high-quality ingredients like 100% grass-fed beef, venison, and antibiotic-free turkey. They’re also free from the top nine allergens, so you don’t have to worry about sending them to school. Check out all the sizes and delicious flavors at [www.Chomps.com/DRBECKY](http://www.chomps.com/DRBECKY) for 15% off plus free shipping. You know how people say they “need a vacation from their vacation”? I never got it. Then I experienced summer break as a parent. Summer parenting can feel like a full-time job - so by the time back-to-school rolls around, I find myself wondering: “Okay, when’s the *real* break happening?” Because honestly, the most enjoyable trips we’ve taken as a family tend to happen during long weekends and fall breaks - no pressure for picture-perfect moments, no meltdowns from the heat, and no built-up tension after weeks of constant togetherness. My go-to for these short and sweet trips? Booking an Airbnb: There’s space for everyone to spread out, a kitchen for easy meals, and separate bedrooms that let the grown-ups stay up after the kids go down. But you know what’s even better? While you’re away, you can list your own home on Airbnb, too! Hosting on Airbnb is simple, flexible, and gives you a little extra income to put towards your own trip (or those mounting back-to-school costs). Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host We say it all the time at Good Inside: Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish - it’s self-sustaining. But let’s be honest: Self-care can feel impossible without reliable childcare. That’s where Sittercity comes in. It’s a trusted platform that makes it easier to find sitters who are kind, experienced, and show up when you need them. You can read real parent reviews, connect with sitters directly, and even set up interviews, all in one spot. Whether you’re craving a solo errand run, a date night out, or need after school support, Sittercity can give you the logistical support you need to show up for yourself. Find a sitter or nanny that’s perfect for your family at [**www.sittercity.com/goodinside**](https://www.sittercity.com/?utm_source=cp&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=podcast-may2025&utm_content=goodinside) and use code "goodinside" for 25% off the annual or quarterly premium subscription plans.

Dr. Becky KennedyhostLauren SorrentinoguestMike “The Situation” Sorrentinoguest
Sep 23, 202550mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 0:59

    Why Mike & Lauren Sorrentino—and why this conversation matters

    1. BK

      So today I have two, what might seem like kind of unexpected guests on my podcast, Mike and Lauren Sorrentino. You might know them from the Jersey Shore franchise. I mean, I think GTL is one of the most known acronyms. Am I right? So here's the backstory. Lauren reposted something on Instagram from my Instagram account. That led to us exchanging a DM, then voice notes, then we had a real conversation, and I learned so much on this phone call. I learned about her and Mike's family history around addiction, I learned about Mike's commitment to sobriety, and I learned about their incredible commitment to intentional, connected parenting. I knew so many of the themes from this conversation would resonate, and so I brought them to the studio to talk about it. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. Welcome.

    2. LS

      Thank you.

  2. 0:59 – 2:53

    Rewinding to childhood: punishment, identity, and early cycle patterns

    1. BK

      Um, so I wanna talk about so many things today. I, I know we'll end up talking about parenting. You're both parents of three. I'm a parent of three. I know we think a lot about how we raise our kids and what really matters, not only in these early years, but how it ladders up to what really matters in the kind of teen/adult years. Um, but sometimes I think the best way of understanding what matters to us today is actually to start by rewinding a little bit and thinking about our childhoods-

    2. LS

      Mm-hmm

    3. BK

      ... and kind of where a lot of things came from. And so Mike, if I start with you, one of the things that really has stuck out to me, um, beyond what people know about you, is just the resilience around your own childhood and your own story of cycle breaking. And so I wonder if we could just start there a little bit, if we rewind a couple decades.

    4. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    5. BK

      I don't know, tell me a little bit about how you think about your childhood, what it was like, what really sti- kind of sticks out to you.

    6. MS

      Uh, I was probably punished more oftentimes than not punished because of my own wild and careless, reckless behavior.

    7. BK

      Mm.

    8. MS

      So, um, you know, that definitely, um, sticks in my brain because, well, I mean, we only have a four-year-old now, but I can definitely see a lot of his personality, um-

    9. BK

      Mm

    10. MS

      ... in, in me.

    11. BK

      Yeah.

    12. MS

      So me and my wife have constant conversations, uh, which is always a moving target with your child-

    13. BK

      [laughs]

    14. MS

      ... your children-

    15. BK

      Yes

    16. MS

      ... about what we should do and what we shouldn't do going forward.

    17. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    18. LS

      And he's also my deeply feeling one.

    19. BK

      Yes.

    20. LS

      The others have not revealed themselves as DFKs yet-

    21. MS

      Yeah.

    22. BK

      Yeah

    23. LS

      ... but he sure has.

    24. MS

      Yeah.

    25. LS

      And he's-

    26. BK

      Yeah

    27. LS

      ... you know, he's how I really started to seek somebody like you-

    28. BK

      Yeah

    29. LS

      ... and Good Inside, so.

  3. 2:53 – 5:38

    From “go to your room” to co-regulation: what kids need when they act out

    1. BK

      And so m- maybe we could jump in then there. Like, a lot of us were raised with punishment.

    2. LS

      Mm.

    3. BK

      We act out, you get punished.

    4. MS

      Yeah.

    5. LS

      Mm-hmm.

    6. BK

      Um, now I think a lot of us, at least us here in this room, are thinking, "Okay, well, what am I really trying to teach my kids? Why do kids act out? What might they need in the moment to actually learn, you know, whatever they don't know so they can act-

    7. MS

      Mm

    8. BK

      ... differently in the future?"

    9. LS

      Mm-hmm.

    10. BK

      So m- I'm curious kind of how you handle those moments now with your son.

    11. LS

      Yeah.

    12. BK

      But maybe also is that similar or different from what happened back then, and how has that shifted then?

    13. LS

      Yeah. I think we kind of were both sa- uh, I think we both were raised in a similar, you know, model. Like, both of our families were in suburban New Jersey-

    14. MS

      Mm-hmm

    15. LS

      ... Italian American-

    16. MS

      Mm

    17. LS

      ... very hardworking-

    18. BK

      Yes

    19. LS

      ... providers as the father figure.

    20. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    21. LS

      Our moms were stay-at-home moms.

    22. MS

      Yep.

    23. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    24. LS

      We each were one of four.

    25. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    26. LS

      So very, you know, parallel-

    27. BK

      Yeah

    28. LS

      ... in that sense. So, but for my upbringing, you know, punishment was a big thing, and my parents were great parents. They did the best that they knew-

    29. MS

      Yep

    30. LS

      ... then.

  4. 5:38 – 8:01

    Their practical reset routine: removing stimulation, staying close, and offering a hug

    1. LS

      Right. I think that I've just equated so much of his needs to what my needs are as a human, and I know how I feel. I'm a mom of three children, so I'm overstimulated all the time.

    2. BK

      Yeah. [laughs]

    3. LS

      Um, we have lots of businesses.

    4. MS

      She does a great job. I, I s-

    5. LS

      [laughs]

    6. MS

      I, like, step back and let her do her thing-

    7. LS

      [laughs]

    8. MS

      ... and I try to emulate what she does.

    9. LS

      Aw.

    10. MS

      But you continue on, honey.

    11. LS

      Thank you.

    12. BK

      [laughs]

    13. LS

      We, um, you know, we have our relationship. We have our children.

    14. BK

      Yeah.

    15. LS

      We have our businesses. We're entrepreneurs, so our house can be a revolving door sometimes, and our kitchen-

    16. BK

      [laughs]

    17. LS

      And we're very blessed. Our kitchen and our family room connect, but it's a large space.

    18. BK

      Yes.

    19. LS

      So when he has these moments, they're obviously in that family space. So what I do is I usually take him, either I take him or my husband takes him-

    20. MS

      Mm-hmm

    21. LS

      ... and we go with him to either the guest bedroom that's right off the family room, or we'll go to his room together.

    22. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    23. BK

      Yeah.

    24. LS

      And we'll give him just a clean space with no distractions-

    25. MS

      Mm-hmm

    26. LS

      ... no TVs, no siblings, and let him calm down, and then-

    27. BK

      Yeah

    28. LS

      ... talk to him about why he's feeling that way or why he's frustrated, and it naturally happens a lot quicker-

    29. MS

      It f-

    30. LS

      ... when we remove him from that environment

  5. 8:01 – 11:23

    What punishment felt like: isolation, doors removed, and what did (and didn’t) help

    1. BK

      Right? But when you do send a kid away as kind of the predominant way of interacting, what ends up happening is a kid goes to their room... And maybe actually I'll pause there, 'cause you remember it, Lauren.

    2. LS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. BK

      Like, what's happening in the room?

    4. LS

      Ah. The room is-

    5. BK

      [laughs]

    6. LS

      It doesn't feel like your safe space. The room feels like an isolation box.

    7. BK

      [laughs]

    8. LS

      Because even though it's your bedroom and it's, like, all your things, you know that you're there because you're in trouble.

    9. BK

      [laughs]

    10. LS

      And you don't really know why you're in trouble-

    11. BK

      Yeah

    12. LS

      ... because you don't, back then, you know... Now I have the understanding I was doing something wrong, or who even knows why-

    13. BK

      [laughs]

    14. LS

      ... I went there, but it's b- but I felt confused.

    15. BK

      Yeah.

    16. LS

      You know?

    17. BK

      Yeah. What about you, Mike? Do you remember that? Do you remember being punished?

    18. MS

      I do. [laughs]

    19. LS

      [laughs]

    20. BK

      Yeah.

    21. MS

      I do. Um, you know, they, it started out as punishments, just, you know, "Go to your room."

    22. BK

      Yeah.

    23. MS

      And then eventually, um, as the, um, behavior continued and there was a non-change in my behavior, then they would start to remove TVs.

    24. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    25. MS

      Remove the door.

    26. BK

      [laughs]

    27. MS

      Uh, remove, you know, the-

    28. BK

      Remove the door? Your bedroom door?

    29. MS

      The se- the saga-

    30. LS

      Yeah, I had no door-

  6. 11:23 – 13:04

    Mindful fatherhood: resisting “tough love” reflexes and choosing the best route forward

    1. BK

      You take your son to his room. Get... I'm curious, Mike, before, uh, you were saying you're taking Lauren's lead on this. Is there a part of you, or has there been, like- This is so, I don't know, this is, this is so permissive. This isn't gonna work.

    2. MS

      I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll like-

    3. BK

      I have to show how the world works.

    4. MS

      I'll, no-

    5. BK

      This is n- no one's gonna take you to your room when you're an 18-year-old

    6. MS

      ... a little, a little more tough love you're saying?

    7. BK

      Yeah.

    8. MS

      I think sometimes in my brain, um, the first reaction as-

    9. BK

      Yeah

    10. MS

      ... a man of the home is to put your foot down. Um, but, um, I'm also a very mindful dad and mindful husband.

    11. BK

      Mm.

    12. MS

      I've been through so much in life that I'm able to easily rewind it and step back, take a, take a deep breath-

    13. BK

      Yeah

    14. MS

      ... look around at my surroundings-

    15. BK

      Yeah

    16. MS

      ... and find the best route forward.

    17. BK

      Mm.

    18. MS

      Sometimes it could be listening to my wife and stepping back. Sometimes it could be me being the, um, the, uh, father figure in the room, um, to, to step up and, and, and-

    19. BK

      Yeah

    20. MS

      ... handle my son and take him into the next room. But I do, like I said, take him in the other room and give him a hug, and it works-

    21. BK

      Yeah

    22. MS

      ... nine out of 10 times every time.

    23. BK

      Yeah. I mean, I think how many times in our adult life, you know, when we're, "I don't know, you never understand me, I can't talk to you," how m- how many times has that person said, "Hold on, do you need a hug?"

    24. MS

      I actually do that-

    25. LS

      Yeah

    26. MS

      ... with adults now.

    27. BK

      Do you?

    28. LS

      No, we do.

    29. MS

      [laughs] I do-

    30. BK

      We do

  7. 13:04 – 15:45

    Most Generous Interpretation (MGI): seeing the hurt beneath reactions—kids and adults

    1. LS

      And I think a big part of that, I don't know if it comes to men the same way that it comes to women, because I don't want to say it's like a motherly instinct, 'cause I didn't have that with my first. But now that I have three children, and I'm settled into my role as a mother, I look at everybody as children.

    2. BK

      Mm.

    3. LS

      And not insulting, in, in a powerful way.

    4. BK

      Yes.

    5. LS

      In a like, i- every adult, every professional, every everything. So when someone acts out of character or alignment, I don't dislike them or-

    6. BK

      Mm

    7. LS

      ... have any animosity to them. I'm like, "What happened in your life that hurt," you know what I mean, like, hurt you that way?

    8. MS

      Mm. Mm-hmm.

    9. BK

      Mm.

    10. LS

      And that's at the level that I feel like I'm at in trying to raise my children that way.

    11. BK

      So I just want to mirror that back. When I'm with another adult, something at work or-

    12. LS

      Mm

    13. BK

      ... I don't know, a friend has some huge reaction, they find out I was at a dinner with another friend-

    14. LS

      Mm-hmm

    15. BK

      ... and they kind of attack me for-

    16. LS

      Yeah

    17. BK

      ... not inviting them, it was a small thing. Something just like that.

    18. LS

      Yeah, yeah.

    19. BK

      The thought process you try to access is, okay, s- something's happening here.

    20. LS

      Yeah.

    21. BK

      Maybe even old.

    22. LS

      Mm-hmm.

    23. BK

      There's some, some wound.

    24. MS

      Mm.

    25. LS

      Mm.

    26. BK

      This is in some ways, I'm talking to, I'm making this up, my 40-year-old friend, but I might be talking to-

    27. LS

      Mm-hmm

    28. BK

      ... her eight-year-old left out self.

    29. MS

      From many years ago. [laughs]

    30. LS

      Yes.

  8. 15:45 – 19:21

    Where sobriety and parenting intersect: transparency, timing, and family impact

    1. BK

      That's right. Hurt people hurt people. Um, I'm thinking about, and it might seem like a leap, but I wanna make it because it, it's interesting. My co-founder at Good Inside is another psychologist, and she spent her kind of whole career before we kind of started Good Inside together in substance use and working with individuals and adults, you know, who struggle in that way. And when we've talked to people, they often say, "It's so kind of interesting. She comes from the substance use world. You come from parenting, emotion regulation world. How did that come together?" And the two of us always look at each other and we think, actually, like, those things are really intimately connected. I know parenting matters to you, emotions matter to you, and I know s- substance use has been a part of your lives, is now in some ways at the forefront of what matters to you and a lot of your business. So, l- let's kind of bring that together. Maybe we can start with when you think about how you're raising your kids, and the importance of recognizing their emotions, being with them, teaching them to manage emotions. And when you also think about substance use and, and the role that's played, you know, in the past, how do you bring that together?

    2. LS

      That's what I ask myself almost every day-

    3. BK

      Yeah

    4. LS

      ... I think, with, you know, waking up as a mom to small children-

    5. BK

      Yeah

    6. LS

      ... and having our life be out there in the open.

    7. BK

      Yeah.

    8. LS

      But also, um, you know, wanting to be transparent with our children-

    9. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    10. BK

      Yes

    11. LS

      ... from the beginning. And right now-

    12. MS

      Mm

    13. LS

      ... our oldest is four-

    14. MS

      Mm

    15. LS

      ... but it's like, when is the right age to introduce language and conversation-

    16. BK

      Mm

    17. LS

      ... about recovery and substances, and how, you know, it is a disease, and how they affect every member of the family. Um-

    18. BK

      Yeah

    19. LS

      ... you know, my brother, their uncle-

    20. BK

      Yes

    21. LS

      ... passed away from an overdose. So I have a picture of him and myself in my family room.

    22. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    23. LS

      And I always talk about Uncle Chris.

    24. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    25. LS

      So these are things-

    26. BK

      Yeah

    27. LS

      ... that I ask myself all the time.

    28. BK

      Yeah.

    29. LS

      Um, and I think it's just, you know- ... us navigating that together.

    30. MS

      Well, I mean, I, I feel that, um, you know, our kids are so young right now.

  9. 19:21 – 22:33

    Mike’s story: experimentation to dependence, money and fame, and consequences that forced change

    1. BK

      Could you share, could you share one of them? Like, what, more specifically, like the lessons, like you said, our past teaches us-

    2. MS

      Oh

    3. BK

      ... right?

    4. MS

      Well, I mean, um, I was technically a victim of addiction, which in turn started out as experimentation.

    5. BK

      Mm.

    6. MS

      My own decision, but I was not educated on what addiction is and how it could manifest in my own life. In, in, in, in the early years, I'm like, "Oh, uh, not gonna happen to me."

    7. BK

      Mm.

    8. MS

      You know, I can have fun and experiment, and just like every other college kid out there in their 20s, they start out drinking and partying, and I always thought I was, you know, the life of the party or everyone loved my... Which in turn it was true for a little bit. It was. Um, eventually, uh, addiction does not discriminate.

    9. BK

      Mm. Addiction does not discriminate.

    10. MS

      And, and has, it has consequences. So, uh, eventually I became dependent upon prescription opiates, and that, th- then after that, then it would became, it seeped into every area of my life. Relationships, um, you're not making good decisions 'cause you're intoxicated all the time. Um, you start to distance yourself and isolate yourself from family. So as I'm giving you all of these symptoms, um, it affects every area of your life. Even though I was a millionaire, even though I was making millions a year from MTV on the biggest show in the country, okay, and no one would say no to me, still-

    11. BK

      Mm

    12. MS

      ... my life started to go like this, slowly, because I was bringing in so much money. But it was happening slowly, and people just didn't see it. So, um, eventually, years later, Uncle Sam came knocking at the door, and he came knocking at the door because someone was intoxicated and was not on top his, of his financial house.

    13. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    14. MS

      See, if you're have your wits about you in life, right, you're going to make good decisions for yourself-

    15. BK

      Mm.

    16. LS

      Yeah

    17. MS

      ... your family, your friends, right? But if you are intoxicated, then, um, you are not your best self.

    18. BK

      Yeah.

    19. MS

      And I didn't file my taxes. And so then when they came and, and indicted me, um, it was from my own decisions. So, um, at the time when all this happened, it was, it was, um, definitely life-changing.

    20. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    21. MS

      It, um, it, it had to happen.

    22. BK

      Mm.

    23. MS

      And there had to be a reaction from me, and the reaction from me was I have to do something to save my life or else, um, quite possibly, um, I would not have one, you know?

    24. BK

      Lauren, what comes up for you? Uh, I know this isn't your first time hearing this-

    25. LS

      Yeah

    26. BK

      ... obviously, but what-

    27. LS

      Yeah

    28. BK

      ... what's going on, what goes on inside you when you hear about this? And I know your brother, right?

    29. LS

      Yeah.

    30. BK

      Uh, prob- must be on your mind, too.

  10. 22:33 – 26:18

    Teaching kids to handle feelings before they reach for escapes: baseline comfort and ‘dancing sober’

    1. LS

      Yeah. I think that, um, what's really important to me about sharing the substance abuse nature with my family, and when I say family, my meaning my, my young children, in the future, is that the awareness of their feelings.

    2. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    3. LS

      And oftentimes what you, what brings you to pick up a first substance, whether you're socializing, whether you're an addict, or whether you're experimenting-

    4. MS

      Mm.

    5. BK

      Yes

    6. LS

      ... what is the emotion behind picking something up? Because there's something there.

    7. BK

      Yes.

    8. LS

      Whether it's a sense of wanting to belong, or wanting to fit in, or wanting to see what it feels to be out of control-

    9. MS

      Yeah, curiosity

    10. LS

      ... and out of your body.

    11. BK

      Yep.

    12. LS

      Out of curiosity.

    13. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    14. LS

      And if I'm able to educate my children on what these feelings mean-

    15. MS

      And alternatives

    16. LS

      ... and safety way- safe f- ways to experiment with feelings-

    17. BK

      Yes

    18. LS

      ... and how to get yourself to a baseline of a comfortability-

    19. BK

      Yes

    20. LS

      ... without a substance.

    21. BK

      Mm. I wanna double click on that, because a different version of a baseline I think about is kind of let's talk about dancing sober.

    22. LS

      Mm-hmm. Yeah.

    23. BK

      That's just a good example.

    24. LS

      Yeah.

    25. BK

      Right? Even though it's not like that's the ultimate life goal.

    26. LS

      Right.

    27. BK

      But something like that comes up, and it's kind of representative of being in a situation that feels vulnerable-

    28. LS

      Mm-hmm

    29. BK

      ... where other people see you-

    30. LS

      Mm

  11. 26:18 – 30:00

    Don’t aim for constant happiness: building the ‘discomfort muscle’ for resilience

    1. BK

      Yeah. So I, I wanna, I wanna talk about this 'cause it's so, I think it's so important and not talked about enough how all of this actually connects to parenting.

    2. LS

      Mm-hmm.

    3. BK

      Because when I think about something that I see all the time from the most well-intentioned parents, it's this constant urge to keep our kid happy all the time.

    4. LS

      Mm.

    5. BK

      To take away-

    6. MS

      Mm-hmm

    7. BK

      ... their disappointment-

    8. LS

      Mm-hmm

    9. BK

      ... or their awkward feelings.

    10. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    11. BK

      For example, a kid is going to a birthday party, and they feel awkward. They feel anxious, right?

    12. LS

      Mm-hmm.

    13. BK

      Where I'm definitely not, and you know me. Throw the kid in.

    14. LS

      Yeah.

    15. BK

      Right? But there's a lot between that and always trying to keep our kid happy, and helping them see-

    16. LS

      Mm-hmm

    17. BK

      ... awkwardness, discomfort as something to tolerate, not exit from. I'm just thinking about how that, when our kids are young, sets them up when they're 18, 25, 40, to, to kind of have this arsenal of skills and experience where they've learned that it's okay to be them even when things don't feel-

    18. LS

      Mm-hmm

    19. BK

      ... kind of happy and perfect.

    20. MS

      Mm-hmm.

    21. BK

      So how does that play out when your kids are upset, when they're left out, when they want something and they don't have it? H- How is kind of your life experience and how does that play out in how you parent them today?

    22. LS

      Mm-hmm. That's something that we're actively-

    23. MS

      Mm-hmm

    24. LS

      ... working on.

    25. MS

      Yes, actively.

    26. LS

      There's, I share a lot of that information-

    27. MS

      Yes.

    28. BK

      Yes

    29. LS

      ... from your app with him. [laughs]

    30. BK

      Yeah.

  12. 30:00 – 35:40

    Boundaries as love: saying ‘no’ (lollipops, chocolate, bedtime) and why limits protect kids

    1. LS

      My son comes running upstairs. He's hysterically crying, opens my shower door. "What happened?" "Daddy won't let me have a lollipop."

    2. MS

      It was 7:00 AM

    3. LS

      Well, it's barely 7:00 AM

    4. MS

      [laughs]

    5. BK

      Right.

    6. LS

      You can have a lollipop for breakfast

    7. MS

      Yes

    8. LS

      Oh, okay

    9. MS

      That's, that's the thing

    10. LS

      If he wants to have

    11. MS

      Yes

    12. BK

      Yeah

    13. LS

      So, you know, but I said, "I know that you really wanted that lollipop."

    14. BK

      Yeah

    15. LS

      "If you eat lunch at school," 'cause sometimes it comes home full, I said, "Then you can have a lollipop after school."

    16. MS

      She's very good with that.

    17. BK

      Yeah

    18. MS

      The kids will run to me. They'll run to me. My Mia Bella, who is two and a half, she's gorgeous, she'll run to me and say, first thing out of her mouth, "Daddy, chocolate."

    19. BK

      [laughs]

    20. LS

      Well, I think she-

    21. MS

      You know?

    22. LS

      ... she trained her for that

    23. MS

      And it's so hard, just so hard.

    24. BK

      [laughs]

    25. MS

      She's so-

    26. LS

      [laughs]

    27. MS

      It's so hard for me to say no. And the same thing, the kids will, you know, 'cause I am, um, not... My wife is, is, is, is always around

    28. BK

      Primary, yes

    29. MS

      I am less around than my wife

    30. BK

      Yes

  13. 35:40 – 39:43

    Cycle-breaking tools from recovery: ‘run the tape’ for decisions, conflicts, and family dynamics

    1. BK

      I know we're kind of circling around this, but to name it more directly, I think so many parents, they really, they really care about being cycle breakers. When you think about cycles you wanna break or kind of new cycles you wanna start with your own kid, kids, what, what, what really stands out?

    2. MS

      I don't know. I feel like we- we're a very, very good example right now-

    3. BK

      Yeah

    4. MS

      ... of, um, breaking the chains of maybe, um- How we maybe grew up.

    5. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    6. MS

      You know? I, I mean, the way that we parent today, the way that we operate. I mean, you know, Dad is 10 years clean and sober. We're opening up treatment centers. Um, we own-

    7. BK

      Is that about being emotionally present? Is that about-

    8. MS

      Well-

    9. BK

      What-

    10. MS

      Well, well, well definitely because of that, I am very emotionally present. I am super mindful.

    11. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    12. MS

      Um, the tools that I have learned over the many years are invaluable, you know, that I'm able to pass along to my family and my kids as they start to get older.

    13. BK

      Yeah.

    14. MS

      So I feel like, um, also just some of the things that I've learned in recovery about running the tape and running-- A lot of people don't even know what that is, but as a family, we, you know, do it all the time about running the tape on your decisions.

    15. BK

      What does that mean, just to explain to everyone?

    16. MS

      Running the tape on your decisions means that, um, you play a decision out in your head.

    17. BK

      Mm.

    18. MS

      Almost like a risk assessment tool, you know? Uh, and the easiest one to give an example of is if you were, you know, if I'm at the bar. I'm not me, but-

    19. BK

      Mm-hmm

    20. MS

      ... anyone at the bar, and you decide to drink.

    21. BK

      Yeah.

    22. MS

      What are gonna be some possible outcomes-

    23. BK

      Mm

    24. MS

      ... of that risk assessment drill in your head? And you would think to yourself, "Okay, I can possibly get a DUI. I can possibly get into an argument at the bar and a fight. I can possibly get into a car accident and help my- hurt myself and someone else." So as you put these, these line items in your brain, right? Almost like a positive and a negative list. You're like, "Okay, should I make this decision or should I not make this decision?"

    25. BK

      Mm.

    26. MS

      And you're like, "Well, you know what? Mm, yeah, this, there's too much on the negative list. Probably not a good idea. But I did decide to drink. What are some other things I can do? Let's call an Uber."

    27. BK

      Mm.

    28. MS

      "And now I just saved myself-

    29. BK

      Mm

    30. MS

      ... possible consequences and a very bad outcome that will to hurt a, many areas-

  14. 39:43 – 45:22

    New cycles they want for their kids: sharing feelings, being heard, and learning parenting skills

    1. BK

      Yeah. What about cycle breaking for you? Like, are there things-

    2. LS

      Yeah

    3. BK

      ... 'cause I firmly believe this idea of every generation of parents, every parent is doing the best they can with the resources they have, and most parents also wanna do things differently than their parents did-

    4. LS

      Mm-hmm

    5. BK

      ... in some respects, right? So those can be equally true.

    6. LS

      Right.

    7. BK

      It, it doesn't have to be about blame.

    8. LS

      Yes.

    9. BK

      So I'm curious what-- I don't know, is there a form of cycle breaking or something that you know-

    10. LS

      Yeah

    11. BK

      ... really matters for you to give to your kid?

    12. LS

      Yeah, definitely. For me personally, cycle breaking means sharing more about my feelings-

    13. BK

      Mm

    14. LS

      ... and how I'm feeling, because there's moments where I'm feeling frustrated, I'm happy, I'm sad. Um, I, and I want my kids to see all of those feelings.

    15. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    16. LS

      I feel like the, the generation I was raised in was hiding a lot of the, you know, if some- if a family member passed. Um, you know, I remember seeing my mom, um, I remember seeing my mom cry when she found out her grandmother passed, and I felt so bad for her, and I wish I could've given her a hug. But I was young-

    17. BK

      Mm

    18. LS

      ... and we didn't really share those, you know, sh- share gr- about, talk about certain things at certain ages. So I think that just really, through all the therapy I've done-

    19. BK

      Yeah

    20. LS

      ... through his, him getting sober, his sobriety, and now me really getting back into therapy through just wanting to be the best parent I can be-

    21. BK

      Mm-hmm

    22. LS

      ... I feel like it's really important. I know that it's really-

    23. BK

      Yeah

    24. LS

      ... important to share my feelings so my kids have examples-

    25. BK

      Yeah

    26. LS

      ... of what life is, 'cause life is not all rainbows and unicorns.

    27. BK

      I think that, I, I think that's such a important theme. Life is not all rainbows and unicorns. And ironically, the more we try to make our kids' lives when they're young all rainbows and unicorns, of course they're going to expect that a good life in adulthood means all rainbows and unicorns. And in the rainbow and unicorn world, there's no awkward feelings. There's no jealousy. There's no sadness, and I think we want our kids to feel prepared-

    28. LS

      Mm-hmm

    29. BK

      ... for those inevitable feelings.

    30. LS

      Yeah.

  15. 45:22 – 48:36

    Quick-fire reflections: hardest parts, what they needed as kids, staying connected in marriage, hoped-for legacy

    1. BK

      Um, the hardest part of parenting is?

    2. LS

      Ugh. Um, being the bad cop.

    3. BK

      Mm. [laughs]

    4. MS

      Mm. Good answer. That is, that is the truth.

    5. BK

      For you too.

    6. MS

      Um, yeah, I, I love being a dad. I worked so hard to be where I'm at right now, and this is, for me, like, um, the end game. End game is family, um, my legacy. So, um-

    7. BK

      Mm

    8. MS

      ... uh, we are a, um, what's the word? Uh, uh, we are learning while we're going, just like every other family, you know? And, uh, but, um, we're actively, the word actively working and educating ourselves to make sure that, um, our kids can turn, grow up to be the, the most best version of themselves.

    9. BK

      The thing I could have used to hear in my childhood was?

    10. LS

      [sighs] I understand.

    11. MS

      Mm.

    12. BK

      What about you?

    13. MS

      I don't know if I can follow up after that one.

    14. BK

      [laughs]

    15. MS

      That was okay.

    16. LS

      That one's pretty good.

    17. MS

      [laughs] Um, that was a good answer. Um, probably what I needed was, um, everything happens for a reason.

    18. BK

      One thing you do to stay connected in your marriage even as you're raising young kids.

    19. LS

      Mm-hmm.

    20. MS

      Oh, good one. We actively work on that.

    21. LS

      Yes.

    22. MS

      All the time.

    23. LS

      We try to do weekly, uh, date nights or day dates. I'm really into the date-

    24. MS

      Yes

    25. LS

      ... the lunch date-

    26. BK

      Ooh

    27. LS

      ... 'cause I like my sleep. [laughs]

    28. BK

      Mm-hmm.

    29. MS

      Um, usually every single day at 11:11, I will text my wife-

    30. LS

      This is true

  16. 48:36 – 50:11

    Dr. Becky’s closing takeaway: tolerating tantrums now builds adult resilience later

    1. BK

      There were so many important themes of this conversation today, but I can share with you the one that's feeling the loudest to me, in my brain right now. It is so hard when we're parenting to tolerate the tantrum, to stay calm when our kid screams, "I hate you," to not fix our kids' feelings when they're feeling jealous or disappointed. After today's conversation, I'm going to really remember how important this is, how it is such an amazing service. It is in benefit of my kids to help them tolerate discomfort. That is going to set them up for an adulthood where not only where they'll be more resilient, well, they'll just be so much more comfortable in their skin in a wider range of situations. And so when you're in a tricky situation with your kid today, and it's feeling inconvenient and hard, I hope that gives you a little bit more conviction in what you're doing. Let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground, put a hand on your heart, and let's remind ourselves even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon. [outro music]

Episode duration: 50:13

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