How Do I Avoid Raising A People Pleaser?

1. 0:00 – 0:31

   Intro

   1. SPSpeaker0:00

      I was standing there and I walked by and they said, "Do you know Dr. Becky?" I'm like, "Yeah, I know Dr. Becky."

   2. SPSpeaker0:04

      [laughs] Kind of always afraid that I'm raising him to be a people pleaser.

   3. BEDr. Becky0:08

      It is not your job to always make that friend happy.

   4. SPSpeaker0:11

      A lot of, like, shrieking on planes, throwing toys.

   5. BEDr. Becky0:15

      Too many times as parents we think that means we did the wrong thing.

   6. SPSpeaker0:18

      And it starts to erupt into an explosive scream fest.

   7. BEDr. Becky0:25

      Do you like high-fives?

   8. SPSpeaker0:26

      Yeah.

   9. BEDr. Becky0:26

      Oh.

   10. SPSpeaker0:27

       High-five.

   11. BEDr. Becky0:28

       Boom. You're good at waiting and high-fives. Amazing. Two high-fives. Love it.

2. 0:31 – 0:47

   Worrying you’re raising a people-pleaser: seeking permission and fear of correction

   1. SPSpeaker0:31

      Evan has a very mellow and kind and loving relationship. Kind of always afraid that I'm raising him to be a people pleaser.

   2. BEDr. Becky0:38

      Mm.

   3. SPSpeaker0:38

      'Cause he always come to me, "Mama, can I do this? Can I do that?" And if someone correct him, he only, like, get really scared.

   4. BEDr. Becky0:44

      Yeah.

   5. SPSpeaker0:44

      And how do I not-

   6. BEDr. Becky0:46

      Ah

   7. SPSpeaker0:46

      ... fall into that trap?

3. 0:47 – 1:28

   Coach the “easy kid” to hold boundaries: ‘It’s not your job to make them happy’

   1. BEDr. Becky0:47

      You know how some kids, they really need a parent's help sharing.

   2. SPSpeaker0:51

      Mm-hmm.

   3. BEDr. Becky0:52

      You might say to some kids, "Look, I'm gonna help you wait." Other kids, like your son, once in a while they do need to hear, "Sweetie, I'm gonna help you keep that."

   4. SPSpeaker1:01

      Mm.

   5. BEDr. Becky1:02

      "It's okay if that friend is upset. It is not your job to always make that friend happy." And he'll probably say, "It's fine. I don't care." But some kids-

   6. SPSpeaker1:11

      Yeah

   7. BEDr. Becky1:11

      ... almost need to hear, "Actually, I'm gonna help you keep the blue cup. You like blue, too."

   8. SPSpeaker1:17

      Mm.

   9. BEDr. Becky1:17

      "And your brother can have red today." And then your- his brother might be upset, but then for you to say, "That's okay. I'll help him with his upset feelings. It's not your job-

   10. SPSpeaker1:28

       Yes

4. 1:28 – 1:58

   Family roles can lock kids in: ‘easy vs difficult’ and why it backfires

   1. BEDr. Becky1:28

      ... to make him happy." So often in families I hear, "I have an easy kid and I have a difficult kid. I have a kid who is so generous and so nice, and then a kid who is so selfish and so inflexible." But here's something really interesting to think about. Too often, especially when we have two kids, we give our kids roles. Like I said, easy, difficult, flexible, selfish. And then ironically, we intervene in a way that makes a kid even more rigid in their role, when actually what we want is for probably both kids to come a little

5. 1:58 – 2:46

   A script to build a child’s voice: helping them keep the ‘blue cup’ (or chocolate)

   1. BEDr. Becky1:58

      closer to the center. A kid who's always flexible misses out on learning that they can actually take a stand and have things they want. They need that later in life or else they'll feel kind of empty and anxious and people-pleasing all the time. Let's try something completely different the next time. The kid who is often more flexible, "It's fine. My brother can have the last piece of chocolate. It's fine. My sister can have that chair. I'll move," I want you to say this to that child. "You know what, sweetie? I'm gonna help you keep that piece of chocolate for yourself. I love that you can be so flexible, and it's important for you to learn to have your own voice and have things for yourself, and tolerate that other people might be upset. I'm gonna help you do that, and it's my job, not your job, to help your sibling with their feelings."

6. 2:46 – 3:22

   Applying ‘Good Inside’ in real time: bedtime meltdowns and sensory discomfort

   1. SPSpeaker2:46

      The Good Inside bit-

   2. SPSpeaker2:48

      [laughs]

   3. SPSpeaker2:48

      ... we subscribe to. Like, it's been so helpful as a framework for how to think about parenting our kids inside of their tough moments. But practically speaking-

   4. BEDr. Becky2:59

      Yeah

   5. SPSpeaker2:59

      ... when it is bedtime-

   6. BEDr. Becky3:00

      Yep

   7. SPSpeaker3:00

      ... and my three-and-a-half-year-old is wigging out because his pull-up feels weird and his jammies feel weird, and it starts to erupt into an explosive scream fest-

   8. BEDr. Becky3:11

      Yep

   9. SPSpeaker3:12

      ... in the moment, I don't know how to apply some of the-

   10. BEDr. Becky3:16

       Yeah

   11. SPSpeaker3:16

       ... absolute foundational principles-

   12. BEDr. Becky3:19

       Yeah

   13. SPSpeaker3:19

       ... that we subscribe to in helping him move through that moment to bedtime.

7. 3:22 – 4:01

   Bedtime behavior is a symptom: what bedtime represents (separation)

   1. BEDr. Becky3:22

      Yeah. If a kid is being really, quote, "difficult" in the moment of bedtime, it usually isn't just about that moment.

   2. SPSpeaker3:28

      Yes.

   3. BEDr. Becky3:28

      It's actually about what bedtime represents.

   4. SPSpeaker3:30

      Yes.

   5. BEDr. Becky3:30

      So taking off your diaper at three and a half at night could be a brilliant way of a three-and-a-half-year-old thinking, "I don't wanna separate from my parent right now. You know what I can do? I can rip off my diaper."

   6. SPSpeaker3:40

      Uh-huh.

   7. BEDr. Becky3:40

      Now, why doesn't a three-and-a-half-year-old wanna separate at night? Because they're scared, because they don't wanna be without you, because bedtime makes them nervous. So in a way, if we focus a little less on the diaper, because in a way that's not the problem. It's a problem, but it's actually a symptom of the problem, which is maybe something about separating at night feels hard.

   8. SPSpeaker3:59

      Okay. Thank you. All right. Super helpful.

8. 4:01 – 5:10

   ‘Sleep issues are separation issues’: why nighttime is uniquely hard

   1. BEDr. Becky4:01

      Sleep issues aren't really sleep issues. Sleep issues with kids are separation issues. And think about it. We tend to think a lot about what to do when our kid goes to kindergarten. "Let's have a separation routine. I know my kid's gonna be nervous. Let me get myself ready for that. I have to see their nervousness is real, but also kind of be strong for them and let them know they're gonna be okay." But at kindergarten, they separate from us for only a few hours, in the light, with other adults who are teachers, and other kids and toys. Think about bed. They're separating from us, they're often alone with nobody, in the dark. That's actually a scarier separation. And as soon as you realize, "Hold on a second, my kid's sleep struggles are separation struggles," things begin to change. Because we no longer think our kid is doing something to us. It's not like, "Oh, my kid is giving me a hard time at night." My kid's having a hard time at night. They're having trouble separating from me. And we know this in adulthood, too. When the lights go out and you're lying in bed, all your scary thoughts come up. All the things you worry about come up. The same is true for kids.

9. 5:10 – 5:35

   Entering the twos: ‘no,’ resistance, and when discipline starts

   1. SPSpeaker5:10

      So we're entering the twos. She'll be two in January, and we're entering a phase of a lot of no and a lot of resistance.

   2. BEDr. Becky5:17

      Mm.

   3. SPSpeaker5:17

      But she's very sweet about it. We tell her, like, "Don't do that," and she's like, "I love you."

   4. BEDr. Becky5:21

      [laughs]

   5. SPSpeaker5:21

      So I can't tell, is this the right age to start disciplining and, you know-

   6. BEDr. Becky5:24

      Oh

   7. SPSpeaker5:25

      ... teaching her? Or is it still too young to understand the concept of discipline-

   8. BEDr. Becky5:28

      Oh

   9. SPSpeaker5:29

      ... when she's doing something wrong?

   10. BEDr. Becky5:30

       Yeah. So give me an example of something that might happen that makes you think, like, "Oh, no, girl, I don't think so."

10. 5:35 – 6:17

    Validate + set limits: handling grabbing, throwing, shrieking (especially in public)

    1. SPSpeaker5:35

       Oh, yeah. A lot of, like, shrieking on planes, throwing toys, um, taking from other kids.

    2. BEDr. Becky5:41

       Right. Instead of discipline, I would actually just think it's almost like a formula. Can I validate the feeling and set limits around certain behaviors?

    3. SPSpeaker5:52

       Right.

    4. BEDr. Becky5:52

       Which would sound like this. "You really wanted her toy." And I'd probably say, "That was her toy for now, sweetie. I'm gonna take it out of your hand and give it back." Or I might say, "Can you give it back? And if not, I would take it back." And then, just to be clear, when you do that your kid does not say, "Thank you, that was a good intervention." No. What is she gonna do? You tell me.

    5. SPSpeaker6:15

       Probably cry. Scream. [laughs]

11. 6:17 – 6:47

    Why early boundaries reduce later battles: interpreting protest correctly

    1. BEDr. Becky6:17

       Yeah. And then too many times as parents we think that means we did the wrong thing.

    2. SPSpeaker6:21

       Yeah.

    3. BEDr. Becky6:21

       No. That is actually just a sign that we set a boundary. When you start it now, you have the habits already there and there are fewer issues later on.

    4. SPSpeaker6:31

       Thank you, Dr. Becky.

    5. BEDr. Becky6:34

       You got this. [upbeat music]

Episode duration: 6:47