Good Inside with Dr. BeckyHow to Get Your Teen to Talk to You | Dr. Becky and Chelsea Handler
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
45 min read · 9,063 words- 0:00 – 5:28
Intro: why three girls call Chelsea "dad"
- BEDr. Becky
Chelsea Handler once said, "Kids, they're not that great." But I just had a conversation with her, and it seems like she feels like kids are pretty great, and Chelsea loves a lot of kids in her life, so much so that a bunch of kids call her Dad. We'll get to why later. She's taken parenting classes voluntarily to feel better about her interactions with kids who aren't hers. She's in it. And so I wanted to sit down with her and figure out, what can she see about kids that maybe we can't? What happens when you have a little bit more of a bird's-eye perspective, where you're in kids' lives, but you're also out of kids' lives? You know, so many areas of my life, I find it so helpful to consult with people who aren't in the day-to-day. Some of the best advice I get for people around work is an outside perspective, and then of course I have to filter it through, "Hold on, you don't know everything I know," but there are little nuggets I can take precisely because they're not so deep in it. This is the conversation I'm having with Chelsea. Now, I wanna get ahead of something. You can take this in in two ways. The first, and I get, is, "Ugh, this person doesn't have kids. They don't understand the day-to-day frustrations. I don't have that patience. I can't do that." I get that. You're right. And there's another way to take it in. Is there a nugget of truth that I wanna use in the real life I'm living? Is there some part of this that I cannot do every day, but I can try for a few minutes? Sometimes having that outside-in perspective is actually really helpful to us if we allow it to be. [gentle music] So that's how I'd ask you to listen. And warning up front, this episode contains some salty language. It's Chelsea Handler. And my team just told me, "Becky, sometimes it was actually you, not her." So know that. All right. Let's do it. All right, Chelsea. You don't have kids. You don't want kids, and you once took a parenting class. Tell me.
- CHChelsea Handler
Uh, well, I have, I have kids in my life, three girls in my life that are not related to me.
- BEDr. Becky
Hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
I wouldn't say I'm a parent to them. They all call me Dad. So it's a joke, but it's also, like, I'm somewhere in between a big sister and a parent and kind of a guiding light, I would say.
- BEDr. Becky
You know, there's so many things I wanna click on there, but Dad, not, not Mom, not Aunt Che- Auntie Chelsea. What, what is that?
- CHChelsea Handler
I don't think I've ever been an auntie. I mean, I have a lot of nieces and nephews, 11. Uh, we just got two new additions, so, um, but I've never been, like, Auntie or been Aunt. It's always Chelsea.
- BEDr. Becky
Hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
And these, uh, girls were in my life because of exes that I had dated. I, I, I realized there was a, there was a, an empty spot-
- BEDr. Becky
Hmm
- CHChelsea Handler
... in their lives, and that could be filled up easily. And so I took it upon myself to fill it up.
- BEDr. Becky
But what was the, what was the empty spot that needed to be filled?
- CHChelsea Handler
I just felt like they were lacking a little bit of extra attention, love, support, and as a single woman who doesn't have that responsibility innately or, you know, because or circumstantially, I'm not a mother, I actually have that bandwidth because I'm not distracted by my own set of circumstances. So I j- I just noticed, I, I saw in them what I recognized in myself as a young adolescent, teenager, which was ne- like, a little bit of neglect, which isn't the worst thing in the world, um, 'cause I think love kind of overpowers neglect, you know, in certain circumstances. It's certainly in mine. I always felt very loved growing up, but I was definitely neglected by my parents. Um, so I just kinda wanted to fill in the gaps for them and be a more consistent force of nature so that they understood that people can be consistent with love, and that people can be without judgment, w- and that love is not conditional, and to kind of just lift them up a little bit. Um, there were some, a little bit unhealthy dynamics going on, which most families suffer from in one way or another, and I recognized them right away, and I just wanted to help.
- BEDr. Becky
Hmm. And, and just why, why Dad? Why, why father? Why Dad?
- CHChelsea Handler
I just think I have a masculine energy, so they, they took it upon themselves, because they did have a mother, and they did have a father, but not both of those people were always present. And so I think I just, it was funny as a joke, Dad, and then it became, it just stuck.
- BEDr. Becky
Masculine, like I'm pretty direct. I'm gonna say it how it is.
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah.
- BEDr. Becky
I'm not gonna beat around... Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
D- very direct but also very loving. Like, I want them to know that they are capable an- of anything, that they are strong. I had a great influence in my life, um, in the form of my third-grade teacher. Her name was Mrs. Sheckman, and she, uh, gave me a lot of confidence at a very young age, and I know how valuable that is from experience, and I wanted to impart that kind of, um, influence and belief system in them. Like, I just wanted them to believe in themselves, and if they saw someone like me believe in them-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... then they
- 5:28 – 11:24
The teacher who changed everything, and the parenting class lesson that stuck
- CHChelsea Handler
could believe in them.
- BEDr. Becky
I think a lot about how as a parent, but it's not just a parent, how a caring adult acts like a mirror to a child. We reflect a version back, and that's the version a kid takes in and forms their identity, which is one of the reasons when... I mean, and of course this is so easy, but let's say I have a kid who never wants to try out for anything. "You never try out for anything. Come on. It, it's so pathetic.
- CHChelsea Handler
Right.
- BEDr. Becky
Why can't you be like your sister, who takes a risk?" And all my kid [laughs] takes in is, "My mom thinks I'm pathetic. So I guess I'm the pathetic kid who never tries out," even though I'm actually trying to inspire- Like, the exact opposite behavior.
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm-hmm.
- BEDr. Becky
Right? Um, and so I'm thinking about that as you said that with your teacher. And I'm also d- it's just interesting, I had a second grade teacher who I talked about once on a podcast. She literally, her daughter came out of the woodwork, and it's like, "She's still alive." 'Cause she was old when I had her. Miss Edson, okay?
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm.
- BEDr. Becky
Um, and I still remember the specific things she said to the class. That same thing had such a powerful impact on confidence. Like, "If something's too hard to do, it just means the first step isn't small enough." I'll never forget that. I'm like, "Oh-
- CHChelsea Handler
Oh
- BEDr. Becky
... I just need to make the first step smaller. Like, I can do that."
- CHChelsea Handler
Oh.
- BEDr. Becky
So what did-
- CHChelsea Handler
I, I-
- BEDr. Becky
What did your third grade teacher impart to you that really stuck with you?
- CHChelsea Handler
She just kinda showed up in my life. Well, she didn't show up in my life. I went to school, and she was my teacher. So, I mean, it, it kinda happened na- very organically. Uh, but she knew I was the youngest of six children. Our family had suffered. Like, my brother had passed away unexpectedly. And she kinda just stepped in understanding that I was being probably neglected, and my emotions weren't being taken care of. So she doubled down on her love, kindness, and empathy towards me, and I never forgot it. And she really instilled in me that I was of value, that I was special. Because no one really, in a family that size, at the time that this happened, which was, you know, I don't know, the '80s at some point, uh, we weren't going to therapy or dealing with it in a healthy way or anything like that. My family wasn't that, you know, up to speed. And so I think she recognized as being, from being a great teacher, that, you know, I needed a little extra gentle loving care. And so these girls, I definitely recognized the dynamic in the family. There's a, you know... And it was very, it... I don't wanna use the word toxic, 'cause that's not really fair. It was just unhealthy. There was-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... and I just went in to make sure they knew that there was other experiences to have, that that shouldn't, even though that is their baseline, there's more in the world. And to show up when you see, A, they're all young girls, so that to me is, you know, an emergency. I don't want any young girls to turn into, you know, to women that don't trust other women or don't respect other women and that are scared of other women. You know, there was a lot of, like, um, turmoil going on in their schools and a lot of bullying happening, whether it was from them or to them. It was just kind of that vibe. And I was like, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Like, let's nip this in the bud right away so that they understand that girls are there to be your friends. And but the best way to gain trust is by being trustworthy."
- BEDr. Becky
Mm. You s- you saw the good, the good kid underneath-
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah
- BEDr. Becky
... who was having a hard time.
- CHChelsea Handler
And they're all great kids. Like, they are, and I knew it. Like, they're not bad kids. And, you know, one of them specifically was constantly being told that she wasn't good enough, that she wasn't smart enough, and she was starting to believe it. And whether it was coming from the, the parental unit or if it was coming from school or from people, y- you know, around her in her life, it doesn't really matter. It just matters that there's an avenue that they can, where you can show up unconditionally. You're not judging them for any of their wrongdoing. Of course kids are doing things that, you know, aren't great all the time. It's not like everybody's good all the time. But to show them that you love them even when they're bad or they've made a bad choice, that you're not going anywhere, and that when... I mean, I learned a lot in this parenting class that you mentioned. It was a therapist, and, um, we did a bunch of phone sessions, uh, Zoom sessions, and she taught me so much. She's like, "It's not about ever get- don't ever meet a kid at the anger they're at. You're the adult. Act like it. E- even if they're upset, even if they're screaming, even if they're cursing, just look at them and go, 'That must be really, really tough, everything you're dealing with. You're upset, and I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here.'" And I was like, "Whoa." And I, like, in my-
- BEDr. Becky
What, what comes up for you now as you say that?
- CHChelsea Handler
It's just so beautiful to think about that in life with everyone, to just, "No matter what you do, I'll be here when you come back, you know? And I'm gonna sit with you. You're not in trouble. I'm not gonna punish you. You know, I'm not gonna reward you, but I'm not gonna punish you. Like, my love is real. I'm here. So have your spin cycle, and then I'll be here when you're done. And when you wanna talk to me, I'm here again." And never to be punitive in that sense. And also, listen, I'm not a parent, you know? I'm a, like, an adjunct, so it's a different set of rules for me-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... because I'm the fun person to go hang out with, and I take them on the vacations, and I take them and I spoil them, and I take them shopping, and they associate me with fun. But to add fun and reliability is a really good combo platter for any child that is struggling.
- BEDr. Becky
It really is. Place an order for that. Um, but I also think there's a really important lesson as an adjunct. These kids in your life, they don't evoke a story for you about, "I'm messing them up forever. Oh, my God, I caused this. I fucked that up. I'm a horrible parent." Their behavior doesn't lead to a story where then your reaction and behavior becomes more about managing your own story [laughs] than them. Like, your i- i- it's-
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah, exactly
- BEDr. Becky
... you're able to separate that.
- CHChelsea Handler
Absolutely.
- BEDr. Becky
So yeah, what resonates to you about
- 11:24 – 17:38
Consistency over rewards, and the scratched car
- BEDr. Becky
that? Speak to that.
- CHChelsea Handler
Well, A, it's just like how can I... You know, at, in the beginning, I would be like, oh, these girls have, like, two of them in particular had r- kind of tough, tricky lives. You know, tough things had happened. And I was like, "Okay, I'm just gonna spoil the hell out of them and make them feel great." And then, eh, kind of almost using, like, vacations or trips as leverage. Like, "If you do this, if you get straight As, I'll take you here, da, da, da." And the therapist disabused me of that immediately. She's like, "No, no, no, no. You should just do that. It's not contingent upon behavior. Like, don't make it a reward system."
- BEDr. Becky
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
"Just make it a consistency system. Like, food, safety, security. Feed them, sit with them while they're eating- You know, if you can make the food even better, I can't, but sit with them while they're eating, even if you're not eating. Um, safety, to make sure they know they're safe and they're in a safe spot. And security, like, I'm not going anywhere. And it's kind of like the marbles in the marble jar, right? If you put enough marbles in the jar, then if one gets taken out or if there's some sort of discord, it's not enough to take away all of the marbles you've put in.
- BEDr. Becky
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
So that was, like, kind of the basis of the thinking is, like-
- BEDr. Becky
Mm
- CHChelsea Handler
... just keep putting into that cup, keep delivering to these girls so that they know they can depend on you and rely on you. And, and I'm very dependable, and I'm very reliable because I grew up without that, and it's very important to me.
- BEDr. Becky
I'm just connecting this back to something you said about yourself. You said, "I have a kind of a masculine energy," and I'm connecting that to something this therapist said to you, or you said to these girls, "I'm not going anywhere," which seems disconnected from a kid who's like, "I hate you, you're the worst," but it's so connected because one of the things I think that is hard for a lot of women to locate in themselves is that sturdiness, and it's hard for a lot of women to locate because we've been socialized out of it. We've been told to just, like, be who everyone wants us to be. Um, and one of the things our kids are testing when they're saying, "I hate you," or they're having this big reaction is, like, is there a container for this? Can you be a container? Am I gonna blow you over? I'm overwhelming myself-
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm
- BEDr. Becky
... but do I overwhelm you in the process? Because if I overwhelm you, maybe I am really toxic and kind of poisonous. But if I can do this, and again, you're not gonna throw me an ice cream party. You're not gonna give me a high five. You're kind of, like, still here, like, not too impressed. Um, there's something that, I don't know, feels so safety-building and, like, inspires. Like, m- okay, maybe I can deal with this if you can deal with this.
- CHChelsea Handler
Well, yeah, I think it's also just, like, handling situations be- 'cause I'm not the parent.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
I'm not upset about the little infractions.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
I get it. All I care about is that they're not n- nasty to people-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... ever. You know? Like, that's really the only thing that w- would really g- pro- cause a rise out of me. Um, but even then, I would be more... I come at it now because of my sessions-
- BEDr. Becky
Mm-hmm
- CHChelsea Handler
... my therapy parenting sessions. I come at it more of, like, a question. Like, why do you think that happened, and why do you think you reacted that way? Like, there was an instance once. We were away, and I was giving one of the girls driving lessons.
- BEDr. Becky
Mm-hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
And she hadn't gotten her license yet. She had a permit, so she could drive with an adult, but she... And we pulled back into the house we were renting, to this little villa we were renting, and we had a whole group of people. And we got in the car, and I- everyone got out of the car, and I said to her, I said, "Do you wanna go, and we can just drive just you and me, and we can, you know, practice your driving?" And she said, "Yeah." So I got out of the back c- seat of the car where I was, left the car door open. Sh- sh- I go- went around to her side. She got in the driver's seat, and she reversed it, and my back door had still been open, but it was completely my fault, right? So this is a girl who has her permit. She's flipping out. She's crying. She's hysterical. She completely scratched this other car that's sitting and parked right next to ours. And I'm like, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. It's my fault, my fault." And she's, you know, I mean, it was out of control. And I was like, "No, no. It's okay, honey. It's okay." The reaction she had was so emblematic and so indicative of what, what was really in her life-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... and the punishment that was coming, and there was never gonna be any punishment coming from me. It's a car, and it was a scratch, and it wasn't a big deal, and I immediately went over to the other unit where we were renting this house, knocked on their door and told them exactly what happened, and, and it was fine. And, like, everything, you know, in front of her, I'm like, "Everything's okay. Nothing is wrong here. There's insurance. I have insurance. They have insurance. We're all set. You didn't do anything wrong. This is not your problem," and she just couldn't shake out of it for, you know, a couple of hours. The next day, I just could tell how much it meant to her that there was no punishment for something that wasn't her fault, and it made me realize how damaged her perception of, like, authority figures was. And, you know, f- many months later, we were, um, in Whistler, Canada, and something similar happened, and her reaction was like, "Let me go tell this person exactly what happened." I go, "Good. Go, go tell them." You know, like, we had bumped somebody's skis, and they had fallen over, and they'd gotten a scratch, but they were in the restaurant. And she's like, "I'm just gonna go find them and tell them. It's gonna be okay." And I was like, "Way to go." But it was so beautiful to see how quickly you can make a change in someone.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
But also, the consistency is so important. You can't just show up and p- like, shower everybody with gifts and vacations and lavish. You've gotta be there in and out, like, day in and day out.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
And if they pull away, let them.
- BEDr. Becky
Okay, I wanna get to that, but I first wanna take what you just said 'cause I think this is such an example of, yes, how we can, we can shift things. Like, nothing's written in stone in kids. This fear of it being too late, like, if someone's listening to this and thinks, "You know what?
- 17:38 – 27:07
It's never too late to change a pattern
- BEDr. Becky
I kinda do that with my kid. I go into fault mode instead of we're on the same team, how can we solve this problem mode," which is so much bigger than parenting. Like, you see this in adult life.
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah, right.
- BEDr. Becky
People get obsessed with fault mode. Is this your fault? Is this my fault? Often, it's not useful. It's hold on. We both probably wanna figure something out that's better. What can we do? [laughs] How can we solve this, right? Um, and that's such an amazing thing to just say to your kid if you hear this and say, "I just listened to this podcast." Do you ever feel like sometimes when something goes wrong- I blame you, or I blame someone. Ugh, I wanna do that differently. I think it's gonna be more helpful to say, "You know what? Hold on. Bad things happen all the time in life. What can we do about it? I'm gonna try to say that next time. If I don't, call me out." Right? Like, we can get into this, "Ugh, I messed my kid up, and Chelsea's doing that better," and, uh, okay. And we can make a little shift that makes that more possible.
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm-hmm.
- BEDr. Becky
[laughs]
- CHChelsea Handler
And that, to also remind people that th- the changing is always a possibility. Like, to echo what you're saying, it's so important to remember, like, nothing is set in stone. Like, the wh- there's a whole world out there. You have a million opportunities to change your pattern of behavior, and it's so much easier to change your pattern of behavior than people think. It doesn't take 10,000 hours or 28 days or whatever you think. You just have to start with a little baby step.
- BEDr. Becky
Yes.
- CHChelsea Handler
And, and all of a sudden you see a different result and you're like, "Well, that worked. Let me try that again. Oh, this is a nicer way to be in the world. Oh, I'm not gonna blame other people for my problems. I'm actually going to consider why I got myself into this situation in the first place." So all of those lessons are not only applicable to the children in my life, but they're applicable to me.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah. And I always think the best proof of that, that it's not too late, is I think for any of us, if we imagine our own parent calling us today, whatever the situation was. Like, "Hey, you know what? Do you ever feel like I don't really listen to you, I just give you advice right away? Does it ever feel like I'm distracted? Does it ever feel like I just always come to you with all the things you're doing wrong and never say that anything you're doing well?" Whatever it is, if they said it one time, of course that doesn't take away 30, 40, 50, 60 years of pain, but I think we'd be lying if we don't say, yeah, like that would, that would still feel really good today.
- CHChelsea Handler
Mm-hmm.
- BEDr. Becky
And our kids are younger than we are, so [laughs] whatever pattern we've established is so many fewer decades-
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah
- BEDr. Becky
... than what we have, and it would still feel good if someone said that one time.
- CHChelsea Handler
It's like, you know, when a kid wants to play a game, I don't wanna play your fucking game. I don't really wanna do that. But of course, if a child needs me to play a game, I'm gonna play a game with them. But that time that you put in, like my parents never wanted to play games. I mean, once in a while when our family was together, we would play games and stuff, but I was the youngest of six, so I was always, like, playing with a tennis racket and a ball against a wall by myself. But, like, the, the ef- the time that you put in to play that game yields so much.
- BEDr. Becky
Oh.
- CHChelsea Handler
Like, the effort that you put in by just sitting with them. Like, I remember the... You know, some days, like, I, I don't want them on their phones, or I didn't want them on their phones when they were younger as much. I'd be like, "Please, just g-..." You know. But then they would get, it was a way to communicate. They would wanna show me these TikTok dances, or they would wanna do a TikTok dance with me, which is ridiculous 'cause I have absolutely no rhythm, and I look terrible when I dance. And, um, and so we would do stuff like that, or I would be like, "Just pay attention to what they're interested in," because there is a certain age where it's hard to get to kids, boys and girls, you know? It's different ages for both, but I have nephews and it's really hard to get in there, you know, emotionally and to connect. And so you've gotta figure out, uh, ways to compromise and be available to them and for their interests. It's not about what we wanna do all the time. I mean, obviously an adult is an adult, and that's different and separate. But I also learned that, you know, if you want them to respect you, you have to treat them with respect.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah. What do you know now that you needed that you didn't get like as a-
- CHChelsea Handler
As a kid?
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
I think I just wanted more care given to my l- like my life, my schedule, my school. Like, my parents, I'd go to school, and if I didn't come home, there was no issue. Like, I could leave for the weekend and stay at my friend's, Jodi's, house for the whole entire weekend 'cause her house was organized. They had a housekeeper. Things were clean. They had new furniture sets. I was like, "This is a great house." And I would go there every weekend. And I mean, sometimes I told my parents and sometimes I didn't, but I was like eight or nine years old. So when I came home, they'd be like, "Oh, did you have a fun weekend?" It's like, "Did you guys even know where I was?"
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
So that didn't feel good. But it also doesn't define my experience as a kid. Do you know what I mean?
- BEDr. Becky
Mm-hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
Like, that's a part, a fabric of our- my, my family, but my brothers and sisters all have that same experience, so we are able to laugh about it a lot because i- it was so ridiculous compared to our neighbors and friends-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... and people. I was like, "Wait, what?" Like, I'd go over to our neighbor's house and play Atari till, like, midnight, and I was like 10 years old. I'd come home at midnight, and, like, everyone would be asleep. I'm like, "I guess nobody's worried about where I am." So that-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... kind of stuff-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... was, didn't feel good. And then conversely, there was so many beautiful memories, you know, like of going down to the beach with my father where it would just be the two of us. You know, when you're from a family of six, you don't spend a lot of one-on-one time with your parents.
- 27:07 – 33:13
Why kids talk when you stop asking
- CHChelsea Handler
you either, there's a boundary. If you break it, then we're not doing that. And also, needing you to spend ti- if the kid doesn't wanna spend time with you, don't make them spend time with you.
- BEDr. Becky
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
And again, I'm not a parent, so I don't have children, but m- my experience with these girls is they always want to spend time with me because I'm not demanding of their time.
- BEDr. Becky
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
So they're always like, "Let's go. Let's go with Chelsea." And you know, their parents will be like, "Well, Chelsea's the fun one. Chelsea does this. Chelsea does that." But I'm there in the quiet as well. Like, we will get into bed on a Saturday and watch four movies in a row and never lea- and order to- take-out food and eat in bed and have all the dogs and never leave. And they call it a rot day. I don't choose to look at, at it that way. I choose to look at that as a day of re- rejuvenation. [laughs]
- BEDr. Becky
Stillness. Stillness day.
- CHChelsea Handler
Regeneration-
- BEDr. Becky
Yes
- CHChelsea Handler
... and rejuvenation. But, like, those things. Like, it doesn't always have to be loud and fancy. You just have to be present. And even sometimes it's just being in the same house. Sometimes it's just going for a walk. And stop forcing conversations with children who don't wanna talk. They will talk as soon as you stop asking them so many fucking questions.
- BEDr. Becky
[laughs] Well, I, uh, you know, I now have a teenager, right? And one of the things I try to focus on is just being there. But, and it's, just is a bad word, 'cause it makes it sound like it's easy.
- CHChelsea Handler
Right.
- BEDr. Becky
Like, all right, I know when he comes home from sports, I'm just gonna happen to be in the kitchen without my phone.
- CHChelsea Handler
Uh-huh.
- BEDr. Becky
Um, I'm not gonna say anything. I'm gonna be there.
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah.
- BEDr. Becky
And it feels useless, 'cause then maybe my son walks in and grabs something from the fridge. He's like, "Hey, gonna go shower."
- CHChelsea Handler
Yeah.
- BEDr. Becky
Okay. But I-
- CHChelsea Handler
And you're, like, waiting like you're on a first date. You're like, "When's it, when's he gonna say something?"
- BEDr. Becky
100%, like, "Maybe he's gonna say something to me." I think especially as kids get older, they kinda track your availability. They, and the, all the moments that seem like they don't count, like, s- they start to fill.
- CHChelsea Handler
That's the marble jar too.
- BEDr. Becky
There's not immediate gratification.
- CHChelsea Handler
No.
- BEDr. Becky
Like, I tell parents of teens, parenting is not M&Ms, okay?
- CHChelsea Handler
Right.
- BEDr. Becky
If you want immediate gratification, have some M&Ms. But parenting and parenting a teen, it's like so many moments you're like, "Did that matter? Did that matter?" And then, and it's gonna be inconvenient. They come to you at 11:30 on a Tuesday when you have a meeting at, you know, you have to leave at 6:00 AM for. But they come at 11:30, and they're like, "Can I talk to you about something?" And they would have never come if they didn't have eight moments where you happened to be in the kitchen saying nothing-
- CHChelsea Handler
Yes
- BEDr. Becky
... at 6:00 PM.
- CHChelsea Handler
Right.
- BEDr. Becky
Right?
- 33:13 – 39:08
Boundaries, and trying it for five minutes
- BEDr. Becky
You don't seem like you're terrible with boundaries.
- CHChelsea Handler
Well, there were no boundaries in my house growing up, so I grew up without any boundaries, and I'm still have a hard time creating boundaries. Obviously, I'm 51 now, so I'm better because I've been to therapy and I've done work enough to know that it's, it's he- it's a healthy exchange to have boundaries. Um, where the kids are concerned, my boundaries are just basically, like, A, if you're in a bad mood, don't bring it out. Stay in. If we're on vacation and we're going to dinner and you're not gonna be able to socialize, we have a social contract. There's a bunch of people here. I need you to be engaging. If you don't know how to do that, that's okay, but don't come to dinner.
- BEDr. Becky
Hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
We'll get you dinner, but don't come to the table unless you're gonna be convivial and have a conversation. The phones are no, no. I'm not interested in that i- if it's at, at a meal.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
At a meal-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... or, but, you know, anything else, it, the, it's like they can decide what is healthy for them-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... and what isn't. For me, one of the biggest gifts that my father gave me, as I mentioned, was, um, a love of reading, even though I didn't love it at the moment. And so I love to instill that to any young people that I can, is just, like, the way that escapism is so much more meaningful than the escapism of your phone.
- BEDr. Becky
Yep.
- CHChelsea Handler
And the depth and breadth of knowledge that will add to your whole life if you just are able to sit down, focus, and read books.
- BEDr. Becky
Mm-hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
So that is something I'm pretty, like, strong on. Like, you've gotta, I wanna know what books you've read, and I'm always sending them books.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
And it doesn't have to, doesn't matter what you're reading. I don't care, but read.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
You know? Just put your phone down and read a book, and escape to some other reality that is not your own.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
Um, and also just to be kind, like, to girls especially. Like, girl-on-girl crime, I just can't take it.
- BEDr. Becky
Tell me about boundary struggles in just your adult life. What's a situation?
- CHChelsea Handler
I mean, I know to have boundaries with anyone, and I mean, I could... I'm not, not a victim, [laughs] so I do not wanna present as one, but a lot of people take advantage of my generosity.
- BEDr. Becky
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
And I don't see it until many times it's too late.
- BEDr. Becky
Hmm.
- CHChelsea Handler
Uh, people will warn me and be like, "That person shouldn't be in your circle," or, "This person shouldn't. Don't trust this." And it doesn't matter how many times it happens. I just never wanna change the spirit of who I am, because I am generous-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... and I want people to, and I wanna help people, and I wanna lift them up. And yeah, there have been many times where I'm like, "Oh, wow, I should've listened to everybody."
- BEDr. Becky
Mm.
- CHChelsea Handler
Um, so boundaries in that sense, like, I let things, you know... I'm, I don't have good boundaries.
- 39:08 – 44:28
Telling kids what they're good at, plus rapid fire
- CHChelsea Handler
that position and that situation. Um, and, and also to remind them of the things where they excel and that they're good at-
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... is really important to always-
- BEDr. Becky
Oh, yeah
- CHChelsea Handler
... bring up. Like, overdo that.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah.
- CHChelsea Handler
Like, "Oh, you're so good with animals," or-
- BEDr. Becky
Yep
- CHChelsea Handler
... "You're so good with children," or, "You're so good at, you know, making bracelets," or whatever their skill set is, is to constantly be feeding that, because there is not a kid in the world that doesn't wanna hear good things about themselves.
- BEDr. Becky
Yeah. All right, Chelsea, ready for some quick takes?
- CHChelsea Handler
Yes.
- BEDr. Becky
Okay, rank these.
- CHChelsea Handler
Okay.
- BEDr. Becky
Best to worst. The DMV, a middle seat on a red-eye, a random six-year-old's birthday party.
- CHChelsea Handler
Oh, God. Well, DMV is last. I don't mind that.
- BEDr. Becky
That's the best?
- CHChelsea Handler
That's the best.
- BEDr. Becky
Okay.
- CHChelsea Handler
Middle seat on the airplane is the worst, for a red-eye. And then a six-year-old's [laughs] birthday I would say is the middle.
- BEDr. Becky
Got it.
- CHChelsea Handler
Definitely am not interested in going to any children's parties.
- BEDr. Becky
Not, not the random six-year-old.
- CHChelsea Handler
No, no.
- BEDr. Becky
No.
- CHChelsea Handler
Not even the ones I love.
- BEDr. Becky
No.
- CHChelsea Handler
No.
- BEDr. Becky
What's the best way you've spoiled one of your nieces or nephews or a kid in your life?
- CHChelsea Handler
I mean, I've spoiled them a lot with trips mostly. Hawaii.
- BEDr. Becky
Mm.
Episode duration: 44:28
Install uListen for AI-powered chat & search across the full episode — Get Full Transcript
Transcript of episode 1noUy5_vmjc
