How to Set a Curfew — Brought To You by Life360

1. 0:00 – 0:03

   Intro

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:00

      [upbeat music]

2. 0:03 – 0:34

   Curfews as a safety tool (not punishment): the 3-step approach

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:03

      Let's talk about how to set a curfew. There are three steps I think every parent can go through to be effective with what we're trying to accomplish with curfews, which is keeping our kids safe. Let's remember that curfews are about helping our kids stay safe. They're not about punishing a kid or reacting to a kid in a tough moment. So let's go over the steps. First step is reminding yourself you're on the same team as your kid. This

3. 0:34 – 1:05

   Step 1: Adopt a "same team" mindset before you talk

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:34

      is a huge important step. It's probably the most important step of all. If you approach a curfew with an opposite team mindset, "Ooh, it's kind of me against my kid. They've been out late. They have to be home by a certain time," your kid is going to feel that opposition. They're going to be defensive. They're going to seem challenging, but really it's just because you're on opposite sides of the table. You need to remember, "Wait, it's me and my kid

4. 1:05 – 1:35

   Why opposition backfires: defensiveness and power struggles

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:05

      on the same team against the curfew. We both want a situation we feel good about. We're on the same team." So I want you to say that to yourself right now, "Me and my kid are on the same team, even about a curfew. We're on the same team. We're in it together." Okay, next step. Instead of dictating the curfew to your kid, name the conflict you're having so your kid can help

5. 1:35 – 2:07

   Step 2: Name your conflict instead of dictating rules

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:35

      be a problem solver. This is what I mean. Instead of saying, "You need to be home at this time. You're so irresponsible," watch what it sounds like to name a conflict. "Look, I wanna be honest, two things going on for me. First, I really wanna give you some independence. You're getting older. It's important for you to know that you can handle some situations apart from me. I believe in that, and I want that for you. And there's

6. 2:07 – 2:38

   Model language: balancing independence with safety and family needs

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:07

      just a certain time I feel like I need you home by. I mean, I would get worried. I have to go to bed. You have to get some sleep, and so I just have this conflict. I really wanna give you independence, and I really want something that makes sense for your safety and just for our family to operate. What can we do?" I'm bringing my kid in. I'm seeing them, again, step one, as a teammate. We're on the same team. Let's solve this problem. Your kid is going to be much more likely to participate in the conversation

7. 2:38 – 3:08

   Make your kid a problem-solver to increase buy-in

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:38

      when you bring them in as a problem solver, as opposed to when you dictate something to them. Last, step three, because you've approached this as being on the same team and you've named this conflict and brought them in as a problem solver, it makes it much easier for you to be very clear about any non-negotiables. There might be a time when you say, "Look, again, I want you to have that independence, and being home after a certain time, just not something I can agree to. It really comes from a place of loving

8. 3:08 – 3:41

   Step 3: State non-negotiables clearly—after collaboration is established

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy3:08

      you and wanting to figure this out with you, and I don't wanna set us up for a situation when I'm angry and resentful and we're yelling at each other. That's just not good. So, hmm, what can we do? Because it can't be later than whatever time." So let's review. One, remind yourself, "Me and my kid are on the same team." Two, bring your kid in as a problem solver. And three, if you have any non-negotiables, name that directly and clearly. You've got this. [upbeat music]

Episode duration: 3:41