Parent Guilt, Sleep Loss, and the Cost of Care | Good Inside with Dr. Becky

1. 0:00 – 1:01

   The “sit down and feel guilty” moment: when rest triggers more stress

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      If you've ever sat down for the first time all day and your body couldn't even enjoy it because guilt showed up, this is for you. See, right now, I'm sitting down in my unrealistic kitchen studio. You know why it's unrealistic? Because I know viscerally what it's like to do something so bold like sit down in your kitchen to have a sip of coffee. What's really happening around you is you see dishes that seem to be calling your name. You see a pile of forms right there. Some of them are garbage, some of them are very important. Permission notes or bills to pay, and you know you have to go through it. And over here is just some other visual reminder of all the things you have to do. It's the water bottle that's broken. You know you have to reorder it. You debate taking out your phone. You know there's laundry over there. And so you don't sit down in your kitchen, and everything feels like it's a mess, and you are taking care of other people all the time, and you're exhausted

2. 1:01 – 1:31

   What the Cost of Care Report reveals about caregiving’s mental load

   1. BEDr. Becky1:01

      and resentful and reactive, and it goes on and on. Today, I wanna do something important with you. I wanna talk about some of the findings in care.com's 2026 Cost of Care Report. They looked into how caregiving really looks right now, what the mental load looks like, what it's like to try to take care of ourselves, and there is data that is going to feel so comforting and validating in part because you're gonna know I'm

3. 1:31 – 2:32

   Putting yourself back in the family equation

   1. BEDr. Becky1:31

      not crazy. I'm not making it up. I'm not the only one. [upbeat music] I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. Do you ever wonder, "Where do I fit into my family's equation?" I think about this all the time because so often I talk to parents where it doesn't feel like they ever put themselves in the equation, or maybe you're allowed to be in the equation when everything else is taken care of. Newsflash, we all know everything else never gets taken care of. It is so easy once you become a parent because, to be clear, we love the heck out of our kids, and often we have a partner we love, and we have family members we love, and it's just so easy to slip into always caregiving mode. And this is not about how caregiving for others is bad. This is actually [laughs] about thinking what we need to protect our own capacity so we can take care of others, and we can take care

4. 2:32 – 4:33

   80% focused on others: the invisible job list that never ends

   1. BEDr. Becky2:32

      of ourselves. You know, along these lines, this stat really, really stuck out to me, and I wanna read it to you. 80% of caregivers focus on other people almost every waking hour, which makes sense, right? Because even if you have kids who are off to school, and they haven't come home yet, I know there's so many times I am working, and I'm working at my desk, but all of a sudden this thing pops up. "Oh, my goodness, camp registration. Oh, my goodness, who's doing the carpool later?" I have a million interrupting thoughts when I'm not even with my kids. I actually asked you about it, about all the things you're doing for your kids all the time, and I just wanna read some of the things that came in. And I want you, as you're listening, to just start, like, making a mental checklist. Like, "Yep, I do that. Oh, yep, that's my responsibility," 'cause I think it helps us make sense of this 80% stat. Shifting clothing by size and season, doctor's appointments, outfits for dress-up days, stocking toilet paper in the bathrooms, adding things from school emails to calendars, filling the humidifiers, clearing the table after every meal, sports signups, laundry. I am the human calendar. Washing out reusable water bottles. If my kitchen was more realistic, you'd see the water bottles here because my house is always a mess with those water bottles. Stocking everyone's favorite foods in the house, cleaning things like baseboards and ceiling fans, things people don't notice unless it's not done, picking up everything left around the house [laughs] and putting it back in its place, refilling soap dispensers, meal planning, grocery list, cleaning up after everyone. Now, if you notice, what I didn't say is managing the tantrum, sitting with my kids during dinner, having time to talk with them. Those are the things that maybe seem more obvious, but all of these other invisible things I think contributes to that stat that we are thinking about other people almost every waking

5. 4:33 – 5:04

   Why we doomscroll: reclaiming “one thing that’s mine”

   1. BEDr. Becky4:33

      hour. And then we blame ourselves for staying up late and scrolling on our phones, but I think one of the reasons we do that, even though it's not good for us, it's not good for me either when I do that, we are trying to claim one tiny 20-minute, one-hour part of the day where there is something just for me, that it's so rare to get that in the rest of the day. Now, the other thing this stat makes me think about, right? And again, I just wanna say it, it's so profound. 80% of caregivers focus on others almost every waking hour,

6. 5:04 – 7:36

   Parenting as leadership: why self-care is a safety requirement, not selfishness

   1. BEDr. Becky5:04

      is I really think about parenting as a form of leadership, right? Think about it. You are the primary leader or a co-leader of your family home. And then I started thinking about other areas of leadership: a pilot on a plane, a CEO of a company, um, an athlete on a competitive sports team who's the captain, a coach of that team. And I don't think in any of those areas we expect our leaders to show up as sturdy for everyone else without taking intentional time for themselves. Like, only parenthood is this model of, "I would like you to show up for everyone else by running yourself into the ground." Like, I, I don't even know if the math makes sense. I'm gonna run myself into the ground. I'm gonna gaze out always and take care of everything and everyone. And then somehow by doing that, I'm gonna get back energy for my own capacity? Like, the math doesn't make sense. The visual doesn't make sense, and the comparisons to other forms of leadership doesn't make sense. I actually don't want the pilot to be thinking about passengers' needs at every moment. I want them to be thinking about the flight path. I want them [laughs] to be thinking about turbulence ahead. I want them to be making sure they have rest. Which by the way, pilots have mandated time when they have to take care of themselves. I'm sure we've all been waiting for a flight to take off and the pilots time out, as should be the case, because they've been doing their job of caring for others for too long, that now it is mandated that they have time for themselves. We don't let pilots have 80% of their focus every single day on everyone else, because we know that self-care is a really important part of safe leadership. It's not selfish. It's not too much. It doesn't have to be justified and earned. It's actually an ingredient in effectively taking care of other people. Here's something else that stood out to me, and I hear from parents all the time, and I'm just gonna show you what this looks like in reality. So I'm walking around, I'm looking at everything that needs to be done. I'm like, "Okay, there's the laundry. Ugh, there are the dishes. Ugh, I have so many emails to respond to. I have to organize the carpool for next week. What days are spirit days? Why are there 15 spirit days in a 30-day month?" We'll talk about that later, but there are, and I need to get the outfits ready. And then I see this chair. I see this chair,

7. 7:36 – 9:39

   67% feel guilty taking time for themselves—and the brutal inner voice

   1. BEDr. Becky7:36

      and I think about doing something revolutionary. Sitting down. Sitting down, while all of those other tasks still have to be done. And what I learned from the care.com report, although it didn't surprise me, it just validated what I know from talking to parents all the time, is 67% of parents feel guilty taking time for themselves. And when I asked you what voice do you hear when you sit down in the midst of a house where there are things to be done, or when you prioritize time for yourself, or when you maybe see a friend? You do something where you are the primary beneficiary. I love when Corrine Low taught that to me, that self-care, we sometimes say, "Oh, it's like I'm baking cupcakes for the bake sale, and I love to bake cupcakes." But would you do that if there wasn't a bake sale? Like, are you the primary beneficiary of that action? That's what counts as self-care. Taking time for yourself is where you are the primary beneficiary. 67% of parents feel kind of too guilty to really do that, and this is what you told me is allowed in your mind when you try to take any time for yourself. The voice says, "You're wasting time. Clean. Cook. There's plenty you could be doing. You should be helping. You should be prepping. You should be cleaning. You're not doing enough. You could be spending quality time with your kid, and here you are spending time alone. How selfish. Dishes, dishes, dishes. You could do more. No. No, don't sit down. Get up. Have I done enough? My partner's going to see me and tell me I should be doing something more important. You should be using your time better. You don't deserve this. You're so lazy. You're so selfish. Did I do enough today to deserve this rest? What am I forgetting? I don't deserve

8. 9:39 – 11:10

   “Rest is not a reward”: separating guilt from inherited beliefs

   1. BEDr. Becky9:39

      this. I should be doing housework. Be productive. Use your time more wisely. Don't sit down. You should be cleaning. You can only relax after you finish the next couple things. There's so much to do. I can't relax until it's complete." I wanna say something, and I just want you to notice how you respond to it. There's nothing wrong if you have a horrible reaction, a relieving reaction, an anxious reaction. It's just data. Just so important to get that data. Rest is not a reward. Rest is not a reward. Part of our reaction to that idea definitely comes back to our family of origin and what was modeled for us. Was rest allowed? Was it seen as lazy? Was there always so much to do? Was productivity a value, even if it meant running yourself into the ground? How did rest come to play? And there are reasons for this. I know recently I was talking to someone who said, "I am so grateful for the way my parents worked basically three jobs to allow us to have a life where, yes, I could have an education and go to college, and I'm in a different situation now, honestly, but it's almost like that old past and old belief system is still wired into me, and I can't even sit down to have a cup of coffee. No wonder I'm screaming at my kid by 5:00 PM. I've been running on empty probably since 10:00 AM." We feel so guilty resting and taking any time for ourselves. Now, something I wanna give you,

9. 11:10 – 13:12

   Is it really guilt? Defining guilt as values-misalignment

   1. BEDr. Becky11:10

      because I think it's so powerful, is actually questioning what we mean when we say 67% of parents feel guilty taking time for themselves. And if you know, yeah, that's me, I'm in that 67%. I actually maybe think maybe the number's even higher. The way I think about guilt is guilt is a feeling we have when we act out of alignment with our values. So when I yell at my kid, because yes, that happens [laughs] , I feel guilty after. And I wanna be honest, I should feel guilty, because it's not in my value system to take the stress of my day out on my eight-year-old. No. That guilt is informative. It's uncomfortable, and hopefully it's informative to start a reflective process. Becky, what was going on? What could I have done before I even went upstairs? I kind of know my eight-year-old reacts that way. What would I have wanted to say instead of what I ended up saying? Could I have intervened earlier? Because I was probably frustrated earlier and didn't do anything, then I let my frustration... Oh, I see that now. It's a learning process, all sparked by the discomfort of my guilt. That's guilt But what I want you to think about is, I feel guilty taking any time for myself. Is that really guilt? Like, what does my value system say? And only you can answer this. I can't answer this for you. Do I have a value around taking care of my own needs, even if it wasn't modeled for me? Me as an adult today, would I say that's a value? Am I allowed to have time for myself to do something where I'm the primary beneficiary? Do I value rest, even if it's unnatural? Do I value it? See, most parents I talk to say, "Yeah, I value that. I mean, obviously, I also value taking care of my kids, but sure, I value taking care of my own needs." So that's so interesting. Is that guilt then? Is that even guilt? Guilt is a feeling I have when I act out of alignment with my values. Sitting down and having a sip of a drink and

10. 13:12 – 14:13

    Discomfort of doing something new: when self-care feels ‘wrong’

    1. BEDr. Becky13:12

       not moving, even when there's dishes, even when there's laundry, I do think that's important, so maybe I'm not really feeling guilt. This is a life-changing idea. Maybe I'm feeling something different. Maybe this is an old voice in me. Maybe it wasn't mine in the first place, from my past that's kind of interrupting my present. Maybe I am about to have dinner with a friend, and my kid's upset that their, you know, other parent is putting them to bed or their grandma's there, and they just would prefer me. And then I say, "Oh, I feel so guilty," but maybe that's not guilt. Maybe that's just discomfort of doing something new. Maybe what I call guilt around meeting my own needs is actually this discomfort of doing something new, of putting myself back in the equation. And when we frame it that way, our path becomes a little different. Instead of thinking I'm doing something so wrong, it's guilty, we start saying, "I'm actually doing something new. No wonder it's this uncomfortable." So the other thing that comes up for me when I think about guilt and time for ourselves is sleep. How many

11. 14:13 – 16:45

    Sleep loss as the cost of care: undone tasks, moral pressure, and 90% losing sleep

    1. BEDr. Becky14:13

       times have I delayed going to bed at the hour that I knew would actually be good for me because the dishes were in the sink, that water bottle straw that gains mold? Somehow I convince myself that every straw needs to be, like, cleaned in that exact moment. The laundry isn't folded, and I'm just thinking, "I could never go to bed leaving all the clothes there." I'm like, "Oh my goodness, the marble run is still up, and tomorrow my friend's going to come over. I have to take the marble run down," or, "Ugh, I have to respond to these emails." And I know for me at night, everything that's undone feels like it's extra urgent, and, like, it's a judgment on my morality. Like, I am not a morally good person if I leave my playroom a mess or if I leave the laundry unfolded. And then all of a sudden, because I feel too guilty to take care of myself, I'm staying up a good 45 minutes later than I want to. I'm not getting sleep. And then guess what? I start the next morning depleted. I'm not the best parent, and the whole cycle repeats itself. I learned from care.com in their report that 90% of parents lose sleep, a lot around issues around care, right? Challenges of finding care, managing care, paying for care. Just the care and the logistics around being a parent literally keep us up at night. I asked the Good Inside community what sleep is like, and here's what you told me: "Up for hours in the middle of the night." "Sleep? What's that?" "Interrupted." "Always on alert in case someone wakes." "Always thinking about something I need to do tomorrow." "Always thinking about my to-do list." "Thoughts and worries are so loud." "I race to bed, and then I doomscroll for hours." Girl, you and me too. "Worried I'm a bad mom, and then I can't fall asleep from that thought." "Stay up too late zoning out to TV or my phone." "Hard to fall asleep and never enough sleep." "Short, late, disrupted, riddled with anxiety." And then one of you said, "Blissful because I'm not serving others." That makes me think maybe sleep is the one time when we're actually not consumed with taking care of everyone else's needs. I know that for me, sleep has been especially challenging the last couple weeks, and I just wanted to share what happens for me kind of viscerally in my

12. 16:45 – 18:15

    The 2:00 AM anxiety spiral: how one small thought becomes a five-alarm fire

    1. BEDr. Becky16:45

       body, to put words to it in case it kind of happens to you. So what will happen to me, and for me, it's often not falling asleep, it's kind of like the 2:00 AM panic that wakes me up from sleep, is I will have some panic feeling that truly wakes me up, and the concrete thought that comes to mind is something so small. It's like, "Oh my goodness, parent-teacher conferences are coming up soon, and I didn't set the reminder to set the reminder." Like, it's something fairly out there, but it feels like a 10 out of 10 emergency. And then what happens is my body goes into all the things I haven't yet done. It's like the memory of one thing that's undone makes my body associate to every other thing that's undone. So now instead of the reminder for the reminder for the conference, I'm starting to think, "Oh my goodness, I didn't pay this bill that's, by the way, not even due for a few weeks. I didn't write back to that email. Ugh, I have this review to do. Ugh, you know what? My friend's birthday is in a week, and I don't know if I'm gonna remember, and I want to do the Send Later text thing on my iPhone. So should I go out of the room to get my phone to go do that?" And all of a sudden, my body is like a five-alarm fire. That's what it feels like, even though it started out as something so small. That one situation that makes me feel some anxiety, a sense of something's undone, just associates to every other thing I can feel that about, which then, of course, the feeling goes from a two to a 10 to what feels like it's exploding out of my body. I think you might expect me to share some

13. 18:15 – 20:16

    Practical regulation tools: ‘I’m here,’ ‘maybe,’ breathing, and leaving yourself a note

    1. BEDr. Becky18:15

       really, like, I don't know, cure-all thoughts here. I actually don't have anything so fantastic. What I tend to do in those moments, actually, is put my hand on my heart- I actually kind of lightly tap myself, my friend Kate Bowler taught me this, and just say to myself, "I'm here. I'm here," in a very gentle way. I find the word maybe very helpful. Where I used to say to myself, like, "It's all gonna be fine," with certainty, but telling myself maybe has, like, enough skepticism that my body accepts it. Like, maybe this is gonna be okay. Maybe all these things don't have to be done right now. I find that very, very helpful. And then going back to the basics of breathing in and holding my breath, and then breathing out extra slowly through pursed lips, kind of like I'm holding a straw in my mouth. Those things can kind of help some nights. Other times, just reminding myself I'm not alone, and I know a lot of us are in that 2:00 AM wake-up spiral together. Sometimes that helps a little bit, too. The other thing that sometimes helps me sleep, but honestly it helps me at so many other parts of the day, and I'm gonna do it right now, and maybe you wanna take it on and do this very, very mini manageable exercise with me, is right now I have access to so much more calm and wisdom than I do at 2:00 AM. Right now I have access to so much more calm and wisdom than I do when I'm debating whether I should fold laundry or go to bed, whether I should respond to all the emails or allow myself a minute to sit and have a sip of water or coffee. And sometimes writing myself a note and putting it somewhere in my home, it allows me to access that wiser, sturdier, calmer part of me in a moment that I certainly don't have access to that on my own. 'Cause one of the things that's amazing about our body is when we get activated, or triggered, or taken over by a feeling like our anxiety, which happens to all of us, we often don't have access to the same thoughts as when we're in that sturdy place. But [laughs] it might sound funny, but we can read. Like, we can still read. So

14. 20:16 – 22:39

    Modeling a new family message: posting ‘Rest is not a reward’ on the fridge

    1. BEDr. Becky20:16

       if you've written yourself a note, you will be able to read it, especially if you put that note in a place where you're activated, which might be by your bedside, it might be by your kitchen, it might be, um, right here on the refrigerator. So after talking about a bunch of stuff today, I know what my note is going to be. I'm gonna write it and then share it with you. I'm curious what yours will be. I just wrote, "Rest is not a reward." And for those of you who are wondering, would you really put that on your actual kitchen? Like, what if your kid see that? You better bet I would. What an amazing conversation starter. You know, sweetie, you know why I put that there? Sometimes I can get into this habit of thinking, like, I have to get every single thing done before I rest. I have to take care of every other person before I take care of me, and it's just not a helpful belief. And seeing this on the fridge, rest is not a reward, it reminds me I can sit down and take a sip of water or do something for myself, even if the house is a mess. What does this model... First of all, what a beautiful thing for our kid to also get this type of message. What an amazing thing for our kid to see that we're aware of the things we struggle with, and we're able to talk about them, and that they are able to witness us as a work in progress. That's something I think we all could have used probably in our earliest family life, and so this accomplishes so much. That's my note. Rest is not a reward. And if you're listening or watching this somewhere where you can drop a comment, please let me know what yours is. I would love to know, and I know I would also benefit probably from the wisdom and calm you have in this moment, so I'd love to learn from you. Let's end the way we always do. Place a hand on your heart, [gentle music] place your feet on the ground, and let's remind ourselves even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon. [gentle music]

Episode duration: 22:40