Tony Finau on Grit, Recovery, and Family | Good Inside with Dr. Becky

1. 0:00 – 1:47

   Series setup: The Playbook and why Tony Finau’s “inside story” matters

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      This is The Playbook, a limited series by Good Inside in partnership with Nike. I'm going to be talking to some of the most successful athletes of our time, leaders who have had real impact in their sport, and I'm gonna be talking with them about their highs, about their lows, about their mindset, about team dynamics, about what really motivates them, about the way they talk to themselves and recover from difficult stages. And I also have some of my favorite moments with these athletes, where we talk about their life off the field, their early years, their family life, the things that keep them grounded, their rituals and superstitions that keep them going. We cover so much in every conversation. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. Today, I'm sitting down with someone whose story I cannot wait to dive into, Tony Finau. Tony is a professional golfer on the PGA Tour with multiple wins, and he's made history as the first player of Tongan and Samoan descent to compete on the tour. But beyond all the trophies, Tony is known for something even more powerful, his groundedness. He's a devoted father of six who talks about being a part-time golfer and full-time father, and about raising kids who understand hard work, gratitude, and faith. His story is about sacrifice, resilience, grit, and what it means to stay true to your values in the face of success. Today, I want to focus on what's going on on the inside, the part of the story that doesn't always show up on the leaderboard or during a broadcast. Hi, Tony.

   2. TFTony Finau1:44

      Hi. How are we doing, Dr. Becky?

2. 1:47 – 5:12

   How golf entered the Finau family: a brother’s curiosity and Tiger’s spark

   1. BEDr. Becky1:47

      So good to talk to you today, and probably as expected, I wanna talk about a lot of things around sports and performance and ... But before we get there, I always actually love to rewind with someone before we come to the present because so much has happened in our story. So what were those early years like? Like, I think about you and this, like, amazing athlete you are today, but there must have been themes in your early years that shaped who you are today. So what comes to mind first? Tell me a little bit about that.

   2. TFTony Finau2:16

      Yeah. Thank you. No question. Um, I'm looking forward to our chat. So I started playing golf in the summer of '97, and there's a couple people that I really owe starting this game to. One of them's my younger brother, Gipper, and, and then the other one's, you know, Tiger Woods. I, I mention the summer of '97 just because we all know, as sports fans, in April of '97, Tiger won the Masters, and that was a huge deal for me, uh, watching with my brother and my dad. Um, but I'll rewind a little bit. In, in 1995, my younger brother started playing, um, started playing golf, but he, he just had this curiosity about golf, which was so left field. Nobody in my family played golf. Golf wasn't cool. You know, 30 years ago, golf was not what it's like now, where you got a bunch of cool athletes playing it. It was so random that my brother started watching golf on TV and took this liking to golf, and so he brought it up to my dad that he wanted to play golf. And my dad's idea, and this is him telling me the story, his idea was he was gonna go to the golf course, bore my brother to death for a day, and then he's never gonna ask him to, you know, about golf ever again. And that pretty much changed the, the story for the Finaus. They went to the golf course and, uh, and everything changed. My dad started asking questions, becoming curious about golf, and my brothers, they stayed at the golf course all day, and my brother loved it. He loved chipping and putting and, um ... And so that was kind of our start. And then my dad took it upon himself to be my brother's coach. They went and played, uh, and, and the very next summer, this was in the summer of '95, the very next summer, he, my brother ended up winning a junior golf tournament at the age of six, a 10 and under division tournament, and they wrote this huge newspaper article on him, and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I showed up to school the next day, and, and this is before phones and all the things. Newspapers were everything, right? And so I, I show up to school, and people start asking me if that's my brother. Um, and so I decided to pick up golf mainly because my brother was spending a lot of time with my dad, and I was not gonna be known as his, as his brother, so. [laughs]

   3. BEDr. Becky4:41

      Mm-hmm.

   4. TFTony Finau4:42

      But that's pretty much, that's pretty much how I, how I got started. I, after, after he had been playing about 18 months, I told my dad that I, I wanna start playing golf, um, and kinda chase him and my brother around. And so that's where, that's where golf started for me. And again, that Tiger, Tiger having a big impact as well, watching the '97 Masters with my dad, with my brother, really pushed me over the edge to just start this golf

3. 5:12 – 6:03

   Going ‘all in’: family buy-in, discipline, and early coaching at home

   1. TFTony Finau5:12

      thing. So that's how I got started. And, and it was all systems go right away. My brother had already been, uh, developed into this really nice player as a young, you know, six-year-old even. And so when I started, um, my dad sat me down, my parents sat me down and told me, "You know, if you're gonna do this, your brother's already pretty heavily involved, and we're all in." You know, I, I got pretty fortunate. My dad, e- even though he wasn't a golfer, he has a great background in, in being an incredible athlete. And so he knew the discipline and, um, just the work ethic that was gonna be needed to be great at anything. And so to have him, to have him mentor me and my brother growing up together once I started, um, was a huge deal. For me becoming the player that I am

4. 6:03 – 9:51

   Sacrifice and constraints: free practice, a garage driving range, and earning reps

   1. BEDr. Becky6:03

      And I know you've spoken about kind of sacrifice in the early years, that, you know, your dad had to build or your dad chose to build this, like, makeshift kinda driving range, or your mom sleeping in a car so you could compete. What, what was it like in the family to allow you and your brother to kind of have golf as such a big part of your life?

   2. TFTony Finau6:22

      Yeah, so many sacrifices. You know, looking back, it's so humbling for me, but my dad, you know, shows up to the golf course with my brother, and he starts asking questions about the, about the game of golf, and they, he finds out pretty fast, this is an ex- this is an expensive sport. You know, this is not, not gonna be a cheap endeavor if we're gonna, if we're gonna go down this path. So he points at the driving r- uh, at the chipping green, and asks, you know, what that area is, how much it costs, and they say, "Well, it's a city course, so it's actually free if you chip and putt there." And he asks about the driving range, and they tell him it's about $7 for a bucket of 50 golf balls, and, you know, "We'll give you a discount for $10 for a bucket of 100 golf balls," you know? And so he's look- he's starting to do the math in his head. He put it, took it upon himself that they were gonna chip and putt for free, and they're gonna spend all day at the golf course chipping and putting. Um, his golfing bible and the, the book that he kind of looked to as one that was gonna help him learn the game of golf was Golf My Way by Jack Nicklaus. And so Jack was the greatest player at that time, and so he wanted to learn from the best, but Jack talks about learning the green from, the game from the, the putting green all the way back to the tee, so he thought it'd be a great way to, to learn, and he could do that for free. So chipping, putting at home, and then he decided to make a, a makeshift driving range in our garage. And if you can just picture, like, a rectangular garage, pretty standard garage, probably stood at about seven and a half, eight feet, and he just put a mattress right in the middle of the garage with netting on both sides. And so I would hit into one side, and then my brother would hit into the other side. And so that's how we learned how to hit. We learned, I hit way more golf balls indoor for the first five, six years of my, of my learning than I did outdoor just because of that. And then once every couple weeks, uh, he bought the, the $7 bucket for us to go out and hit 50, 60 golf balls to see the golf ball fly, but that was how, "This is how you guys have, you know, this is how we're gonna teach them hard work. There's no excuses. We'll, we'll do what we can for free, and, and then we'll hit balls in our, in our, in our garage."

   3. BEDr. Becky8:31

      Do you feel like those constraints, that sacrifice, do you feel like those were ingredients of your intense drive that led to so much success? Like, I think about families who talk to me about their kids, and not, not every family, but some families, you know, it's a million private lessons. Resources are everywhere, and they almost get frustrated with their kids. Like, "Am I trying more for you than you're trying?" And that was just in my head as you were talking. Like, was there something about the sacrifice, the constraints, the limitations, the rarity? Do you think those were ingredients that made you the athlete you are today?

   4. TFTony Finau9:04

      Yeah, there's no question. Those sacrifices, um, I didn't know it at the time, um, but once I started to recognize that I was, I was going about, we were going about this game in a whole different way and mating, making so many more sacrifices than, um, most guys were doing, you know? Not onl- you know, being from Utah, we only had the weather half the year, so having a makeshift driving range in our garage was useful, but, you know, I'm playing against guys in California and Arizona and Florida where they had the weather. Um, it taught me grit, and it taught me that I had to earn it. Um, but it definitely, you know, my dad was just a huge outwork the com- the competition, and just the true grit I think that it was gonna take for me to be, um, great at anything I learned, um, in those early years.

5. 9:51 – 13:09

   How grit looks different: calm demeanor, competitiveness, and parenting projections

   1. BEDr. Becky9:51

      What were you like as a golfer when you were young? Were you, were you obsessed with winning? Were you impatient? Did you always have a kind of calm to you? I, I'm just curious a little bit about Tony as an early golfer.

   2. TFTony Finau10:01

      Yeah. I would say, uh, you know, I've always had a pretty calm demeanor on the golf course. Um, you know, a little bit of that has, had to do with my dad. You know, he, he was kind of a drill sergeant for us, you know, growing up, and, um, he didn't take any, any slack. On the golf course, there was no throwing clubs, there was no throwing tantrums, any of that. You know, that wasn't acceptable. So a little bit of it, you know, came from, um, how my dad raised me, but a lot of it was just, I think just my demeanor in general. You know, I, I'm not, um, I'm a pretty chill guy. I feel like I'm pretty easy to get along with, and that translated right into my personality on the golf course, but it ended up being a great thing. You know, being, like, an even-keeled person on the golf course helps, has helped me throughout my career. Um, and yeah, and a lot of that, I think, is just the nature of, of how I am and h- and, and who I am. But I, I will say this, you know, like, a lot of people look at being competitive, and they look at Michael J- Michael Jordan, and they look at Tom Brady, and they say, "Well, this is how, this, these guys are the greatest. That's how, that's what competitive looks like." And I've learned, you know, it's, if there's something that I've learned with how I am, and then just how a lot of great athletes are, um, you know, the best player in the world right now i- is Scottie Scheffler, and he goes about his business in a different way. Does that mean that I'm less competitive than they are? No, I'm just competitive in a different way, you know? Um, everybody finds their inspiration from something different. You know, I think if you watched me on a golf course, I may not jump out, jump out at you as someone that's like, oh, he doesn't quite have the fire or the grit. If you, if you, if you know where I came from and my story, like, those aren't words that you would ever use against me.

   3. BEDr. Becky11:46

      I, I think that's so important because I also think about parents who are listening to this who have a kid, and I think, we'll, we'll get into it, but w- watching your kid play a sport can be so triggering [laughs] because you could have been one way as a kid, or you can have a model of whether it's leadership or excellence and- If your kid shows up in a different way, it, it can get very, very messy for many reasons, right? But one of the things that you're saying that's just so helpful is grit and drive and wanting to be the best, that can feel similar inside people, but look extremely, extremely different to the viewer. And what you're saying, it's interesting in golf too, because one of the things I think about a lot in life is it's not so much an event that bothers us as much as it's the story we tell ourselves about the event. So maybe I yell at my kid. I don't wanna yell at my kid. But what's the story I tell myself? Is it, "Oh, I'm the worst parent ever," and, you know, "Oh, I ruined my kid"? Or is it, "Okay, Becky, that was not my best moment. Let me take a breath. What do I wanna do next? And let me move forward." And it, and it makes me think about, and in golf you literally have, right, like these walks between the shots-

   4. TFTony Finau12:56

      Yeah

   5. BEDr. Becky12:56

      ... the walk between the hole. And the tantrum can come from not just a bad shot, but probably the story you tell yourself about the shot, right?

   6. TFTony Finau13:08

      That's exactly, yeah.

6. 13:09 – 15:08

   The mental game between shots: self-talk, triggers, and letting go fast

   1. BEDr. Becky13:09

      Um, and it makes me wonder about, like you've had bad shots, right? You've had a whole, right? Talk to me a little bit about the walk between the shots or the walk between the hole, your process, how you talk to yourself. I'd, I'd love a little peek inside.

   2. TFTony Finau13:22

      Yeah. That's the, I think that's the hardest part about being a great golfer and being a, a competitive, a high-level competitive golfer, is the time in between shots. You, you know, it only takes me, they've done the math, I'm standing over the golf ball five to six minutes a round, you know, where I'm really over the golf ball, ready to hit the shot. And so if I'm out there for five hours, you know, we're, we average about four and a half, five-hour rounds on the tour. So if I'm out there for five hours, but I'm only over the g- I'm only over the golf ball for five minutes, that's a lot of time that my brain has to think of a bunch of stuff, you know? And so when I hit a shot, if I know that I've done everything I can preparation-wise to go into the shot and execute the shot, if I don't execute the shot the way I wanted to, there's always gonna be a reaction. And I think some guys react to it different than I do. I haven't been one to throw my club in different things. But I definitely will get mad. Like I, I definitely will be disappointed. Like, "I can't believe that just happened." But as soon as I, as soon as I hand my club to my caddy and he throws that at the, you know, throws that in the bag and I hit the, hear the grip hit the bottom of the bag, that's like a, that's like a trigger to me that it's time to move on. That's over with, and it's, and, and now my focus is, is moving forward. We all know there's nothing you can do about the past. There's nothing you can... But it's easy for us to blame ourself for the past, but it's like you did everything you could to try to execute the shot in your power. Bad, bad shots happen. It is what it is, you know? The faster you can learn how to get on with it, I feel like, in the game of golf, the better chance you have at being good.

7. 15:08 – 18:18

   Holding two truths: high standards + inevitable mistakes, and recovery over rumination

   1. BEDr. Becky15:08

      I have two follow-ups to that. Number one, you just, I feel like you, you held two things as true without just saying that. I'm a big fan of that idea, that we can hold two things as true, right? And I think what you just said is, "I have a very high expectation for my game, and bad shots are gonna happen." Like, those are just both equally true. One's not more true than the other. I expect myself to hit great shots, and bad shots will happen. Those are just both true. Is that, is that accurate?

   2. TFTony Finau15:37

      That is, that's accurate.

   3. BEDr. Becky15:38

      Yeah. And, and I just, I love, I think so many times we feel like we have to pick. Like, there's no picking. They're just both on the shelf. They just live next to each other. So that's number one. And the other thing that's, that's a true question for you. Okay, so you hit a bad shot in the Masters, whatever it is, okay? You hear the club hit. There is a moment at some point, and maybe, to reflect on, "Wait, like did I do..." I don't, this is my limited golf knowledge. "Was it my grip? Like what did I do? What, what..." Okay, but are you saying in the match itself, are you not even doing that? Are you not even reflecting? Are you like, "That's what I'll think about after the tournament. I'll learn from the past to change"? Are you doing that live? Are you literally like, "That happened. I'm in a heated moment. I trust my prep enough. I'm not even learning in the moment. I'm just letting it go and moving on"?

   4. TFTony Finau16:26

      Yeah. Mostly let's move on, let's move on to the next one, you know? And, and I feel, I feel like a lot of times, you know, like if you get so upset on a bad shot, it's almost like you're telling, you, you're telling yourself, "Well, I'm not good enough to recover. I'm not good enough to go, to move forward and do better on the next thing." And so it's almost like a self-deprecating type attitude when to me it's like this is an opportunity to recover. This is an opportunity to show, this is o- an opportunity to show that I can still fight back after that shot. And so I'm not gonna react, I'm not gonna give this, uh, this bad shot the energy that it deserves. It's already given me, it's already costing me a shot or two, whatever the case may be. It's like I'm not adding my e- my bad energy to that. I'm gonna add good energy and know I'm not gonna re- overreact to this because it's like, look, I just hit it in the water. I know I can recover. I've done it thousands of times. I've got up and down from everywhere. I've made, who knows if I'm gonna make a 40-footer, you know? But that's like re- repetition training of the mind. That's a whole different-

   5. BEDr. Becky17:34

      Practice

   6. TFTony Finau17:34

      ... yeah, and that's a whole different practice, and that's, that's what I've seen myself. But with the best players in the world, you know, just being around them and watching them, I think, um, as a parent trying to incorporate that and, and for my son who plays golf, trying to be an example of that, not only tell him, but also when he watches me, he, he knows. It's like I hit a bunch of bad shots, but man, I don't really react to them. And it's like it's not that I'm not mad, it's like I have so much confidence that I'm gonna recover, I, I'm not wasting my energy on, on- On, on this bad shot. It doesn't even deserve my attention. I'm moving forward and I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna show my golf ball that I can, I can put you in the hole next, you know? [laughs]

8. 18:18 – 20:09

   Repair as a universal skill: from golf shots to parenting ruptures

   1. BEDr. Becky18:18

      Yes. So you know what I'm associating, too, and I, I'm curious 'cause I know, you know, being a dad is a big part of your life. So when parents ask me, like, "What's the one thing I should do? What's the one thing I should get good at?" You know, and I said, "Look, if I had to pick, it would be repair." So let me finish this, 'cause I think it's so connected to what you just said, and I'm curious if you think so. We all have moments when we yell at our kid, or we're distracted, or we blame them when really we had some bad day. And to me, that's like my bad shot. Like, I, I don't wanna do that. I don't wanna do that. I have high expectations for myself as a parent, and sometimes, because I'm human, it's gonna happen. Kind of like a bad shot in a course.

   2. TFTony Finau18:52

      That's right.

   3. BEDr. Becky18:52

      And I think sometimes the story we tell ourselves after, right, "I'm the worst parent. Oh, my goodness, if anyone saw me, they couldn't believe it, and I messed up my kid forever," and now ironically the moment lasts so long because of the story. Kind of like the bad shot. And what I think is so powerful as a parent is when I can say, "Okay, Becky, that moment happened." Like, if repair is my most powerful strategy, like, what I'm proving is, like, I'm gonna show up in my next moment with my kid, and maybe your equivalent is, like, put the ball in the hole. But, like, I'm gonna go to my son and say, "Hey. Sorry I yelled at you. That was not cool. Honestly, that had very little to do with the situation. I was stressed from my day. I'm sure that felt scary. I love you." Something like that. And what I tell parents is that repair is, is some of the most powerful connection-building you can do with your kid. And, and you can't even repair unless you mess up. So it's not even the messing up that's the bad thing, it's what do I do after. Everyone messes up, but not every parent can, like, crush a repair.

   4. TFTony Finau19:58

      Yeah.

   5. BEDr. Becky19:58

      And I think kind of what you're saying is every golfer is gonna hit bad shots, but the golfers who are really elite are the ones who can kind of, like, repair-

   6. TFTony Finau20:07

      Yes

   7. BEDr. Becky20:08

      ... on the next shot.

9. 20:09 – 22:55

   The five-putt lesson: a father’s calm presence after public failure

   1. TFTony Finau20:09

      I was playing, uh, in, in... I was a freshman in high school. This is one of the greatest, my greatest stories because it's meant so much to me. I told you, and I told you at the beginning of the show, my dad was tough on us. He was a drill sergeant. There was no throwing clubs. There was no, all those, you know, no attitude. That was the first thing. Clean up the attitude. But so anyway, so I'm a freshman in high school and I'm playing in the state championship of golf, high school golf. And I'm in the final group, I'm leading the tournament, and I get to the last hole with, I'm a, I'm a freshman, and then a senior is, uh, I'm playing with, and we're neck to neck for the state title. Um, we both hit it in the fairway. Anyways, I have a five-foot par to tie and go to a playoff as a freshman to win state championships. I proceed to miss the putt. I knew the situation. I missed the putt, and because I missed the putt, I was extremely disappointed in myself. I tried to backhand the next one in and I missed that, and then I try and tap in the next one. So, and I missed that. So I five-putted the last green of the state championship tournament, uh, of my freshman year to win state. And so I finished second place. You know, which w- for, for most freshmen that'd be a really nice finish. For me, I looked at it and said, "You're supposed to win this," you know? Everybody was around the green watching, and I was just totally embarrassed by how I acted and, and what I did. I'll never forget the drive home. We got, I got in the car and pretty much silence all the way, all the way home. And my dad just said to me, "Son, are you okay?" And I just think, like, that's pretty much all he said. You know, he may have threw in a couple other things, but I'm getting a little emotional just 'cause I, I still remember that moment, and it was like I'm waiting for him to scold me. I'm just ready for him to lay the law down, and, and I was embarrassed because of my-

   2. BEDr. Becky22:06

      Yeah

   3. TFTony Finau22:06

      ... my, of how I acted and, um, you know, feeling like I should've won the tournament. I was defeated. I defeated my own self, and I'm expecting, um, this thrashing of yelling in the car and of just an absolute scolding, and it was the opposite. And so I think what I learned from that, and that I try to take with me as a parent, is your kids need you there as someone that can help them recover and heal and strengthen them, but a lot of it is exactly that. And so, like, I love that you shared that. That's exactly, I think as a parent, maybe some of the best things we can do for them is after tough performances just being, like, an anchor for them and not someone that's gonna push, you know, kick them down while they're, kick them down while they're already down.

10. 22:55 – 25:42

    The ‘feelings bench’: not fixing, not minimizing—just being there

    1. BEDr. Becky22:55

       First of all, thank you for sharing that. That, like, really struck me. I, I, I was, like, picturing you in the car ride. [laughs] And, and the other thing that your dad did, a- and I'm gonna say it the way we say it now, as if it's a negative. He was just there. Like, I, I think being just there and saying very little is probably one of the most underutilized parenting strategies, right? He, he didn't lecture you. He didn't yell at you. But it sounds like, he also didn't say, like, "Here's all the shots you..." Right? Like, he wasn't fixing anything. He recognized you were, you were upset. Like, you were there. I always picture, I call this thing, like, the feelings bench. Like, if you were on a bench, you were on the bench of embarrassed, of sadness, of frustration. You were just sitting on the bench, and the worst part of being on a hard emotional bench is actually just being alone. We, we think it's the feelings, but it's actually that we're alone in the feelings. And ironically, when someone piles on, uh, we're more alone in the feelings and they're more intense. And when someone tries to pull us off the bench, "Oh, it's fine. You'll get the next one," like too quickly or y- invalidating, that also doesn't feel good. And sometimes saying little and just kind of saying... I pictured, Tony, when you say, when your dad said, "Are you okay?" It's like he just sat down on the bench next to you. And now what's so interesting, Tony, is you seem to have this ability as a golfer to, like, do that for yourself, to access that calm, collected feeling right next to your frustrated feeling. I just wonder how much moments like that happened, and they kind of started to get wired together, his calm next to your embarrassment, and all of a sudden over time it became your calm next to your own embarrassment on the course. [laughs]

    2. TFTony Finau24:45

       Yeah, yeah. That's exactly right. I think just little by little, I pick- I picked up on things that I ... the feelings that I liked, and then the stuff that I didn't. But you know, you try, you try to take the good things and build on them. And for sure, I think it's helped me, uh, in golf. You know, one thing, you know, that I try to tell myself all the time is the game's hard enough. You know, the game's incredibly difficult, and if you're trying to be great at anything, getting to a, a, to be successful is extremely, extremely hard. But I always try to tell myself in golf, you know, like, "Don't allow the game to make you salty. Don't allow the game to, um, make you who you're not." So I don't want to be on myself for trying my best, doing my best, and adding to that fire of negativity and bitterness and all the hard things that life just is already without us adding to it.

11. 25:42 – 26:37

    Part-time golfer, full-time father: balancing elite ambition with family life

    1. BEDr. Becky25:42

       So one of the things you've said is you're a part-time golfer, you're a full-time father. How does all this translate into your, your parenting, whether it's literally your kids with sports or just, like, the day-to-day non-sports related stuff with your kids?

    2. TFTony Finau25:54

       Yeah. It's been a, it's been quite the, uh, juggling act. Um, I love what you said earlier, you know, two things can be true at once. Uh, you know, I feel like I'm, uh, trying to be the best golfer in the world and also trying to be, um, a great parent to my kids. I'm trying to do-- I'm trying to juggle both, you know? And um, it's, it's, it's, it's a, it's a tall task, you know? There's no, there's no way around it. It's a tall task, but I really find so much gratitude and joy in the journey of, of what I'm trying to do and what I'm trying to accomplish on the golf course, and then having the opportunity to, to be a father to my kids. Man, I'm like, I feel blessed all the time.

12. 26:37 – 29:13

    Small practices that keep the family anchored: daddy dates, phone-free dinner, prayer

    1. BEDr. Becky26:37

       Anything, Tony ... Like, I know a lot of people who are listening, th- whether it's sports or just their lives, every- we're all so busy, right? Like, it's so much. Anything with your very busy schedule, are there any, like, very small, even practical things that you do that you feel like really help you stay connected to your kids with this kind of, you know, life you're balancing?

    2. TFTony Finau26:57

       Yeah. So I mean, I, I obviously make my time, you know, my time for practice. I, you know, I always have ... I'm training in the morning, and then I'm at practice. You know, it's a nine to five, it's a nine to five job pretty much. But you know, I, I go on ... Like, I do these daddy dates that I do with my kids that I think just mean a lot to them. Because I, I have six, you know, and, and so they don't get a lot of time by themselves with me and Elena. And so I take the opportunity to do that once a week with just one of them. And, and that's, I feel like, having individual time with them. And that, that's, that could be a, a drive to the gas station and get gas and, and grab some snacks from the gas station and, and just catch up with them, and really try to have a conversation with them. Um, we ... At dinner, my wife and I try to put our phones away and just, and, and have a dinner setting. You know, it's something that I had when I was a kid, but I just think that at the dinner table, being with your kids, them knowing that they, that's something we look forward to, to just talk as a family. The lo- you know, those little things, you know, have been everything, I think, to anchor our family together and bring us together. You know, I, we have family prayer, I think, you know, morning and night, and I'm a huge advocate for just praying together as well. And so I think those are a few things that, that I do to make sure I- I'm, I'm anchored to my children in a way that means something to them, and just giving them the time that they deserve outside. Again, when I'm, when I'm home, I'm ... It's like a job, you know? I, I leave for training before the kids start school, and then I, I'm not back until they're done with school. And so it's basically like a job. But the time in the evening is, means a lot, you know, trying to just spend time with them. Um, but I think those are just a few things that I really try to, try to do with them.

    3. BEDr. Becky28:43

       I love those two things, and they're huge. I mean, one-on-one time, right, where you don't have a huge agenda, right? It's not like I'm trying to get something on my kid. Kind of it's one-on-one time, I'm there. And family dinner without phones. It, it, it's, it's ... You know, I know to a lot of people listening, there's a guilt spiral. "Oh, I haven't done that." Like, anyone can start it. I always say, you know, today is always earlier than tomorrow, which it, it's always true mathematically. So today could be the first day that you're like, "You know what? Let's do no phones and try it on." And I, I agree. I think that's a huge impact. And n- now,

13. 29:13 – 31:17

    Teaching grit when life is easier: raising grateful, internally driven kids

    1. BEDr. Becky29:13

       when it comes to your kids, going back to your childhood, how do you think about building grit, resilience, gratitude? I'm guessing their life is very different from yours as a kid. So h- how do you think about that?

    2. TFTony Finau29:27

       It's extremely different. Um, and that's something that, um, really, you know, I'm struggling with at the moment, is how do I teach the grit, you know? But I think the thing that has come to me on their, you know, for them, is to teach them gratitude, you know, another G word. I think if they have gratitude and just understanding that their life is, is, is, is different than my, you know, Elena and I's life, and different than most people's, um, and just have that gratitude, I th- you know, I think that they'll, they'll recognize it and, and use it as a source of inspiration to cont- then continue down a good, a, a good path. You know, the grit part is tough, I have to say. You know, like, Andres' coach, you know, he's playing golf. I'm his coach, I'm his, his dad is at the same time, you know, and I'm also working on my game. But I take him out there and I, I do my best to try and give him inspiration to, to teach him that, you know, it doesn't matter what you have, what matters is inside, you know? And that's, that's what's gonna carry you through to become successful at anything, you know? Whether it's golf, that's, that's fantastic if that's what you wanna do, but just being, having, having that come from inside is gonna make you accomplish great things in any field that you choose. I happened to choose golf, and my atmosphere assisted with my grit. Um, and he knows. His atmosphere's a lot different than mine. He's got, um, he's starting at a little different starting point than I started, but that's more, you know, I'm trying to teach him, "That's more inspiration for you to, uh, to work as hard as you can and, and, and have it come from within."

14. 31:17 – 35:04

    Legacy, rituals, and unconditional love: rapid-fire closing + Dr. Becky’s takeaways

    1. BEDr. Becky31:17

       I want you to think about when your kids are older and someone says, "Oh, like, your dad, what was he like?" And they just have kind of one or two sentences that they say. What do you hope they say about you?

    2. TFTony Finau31:28

       I hope they say he was, he was fun to be around, and he was loving. He loved me. Yeah, I, I, that'd be great. Those two things I hope are true. [laughs]

    3. BEDr. Becky31:43

       Well, we say two things can be true, fun and loving. There you go. [laughs]

    4. TFTony Finau31:46

       Right.

    5. BEDr. Becky31:46

       I have a feeling they'll say that. We're gonna kind of wrap it up with overtime, okay? Some overtime or playoff, I guess. Golf, better playoff. Playoff, right? Sh- um, I'm gonna give you a bunch of questions in a row. Rapid fire. You ready?

    6. TFTony Finau31:59

       Ready.

    7. BEDr. Becky32:00

       Best piece of advice you've gotten along your golf career.

    8. TFTony Finau32:04

       Know yourself and play your game.

    9. BEDr. Becky32:08

       Do you have any superstitions or rituals that you kind of secretly believe in, or just, like, part of your rhythm?

    10. TFTony Finau32:15

        I wear green every Sunday. Uh, my mom's favorite color was green. She passed in 2011, so just to honor her I wear green, and that's, uh, yeah. That's something I definitely just love to do.

    11. BEDr. Becky32:26

        The last thing your kid did that, I don't know, knocked you off your chair or kinda made you say like, "What the heck?"

    12. TFTony Finau32:32

        My, my son Sage likes twerking. I, I don't know, you know. And so he starts twerking randomly and-

    13. BEDr. Becky32:39

        [laughs]

    14. TFTony Finau32:39

        ... it gets, uh, gets me pretty [laughs] ... It does, it doesn't get me excited, so.

    15. BEDr. Becky32:45

        We- we'll talk about that offline. We'll figure that out together. Something you want to tell parents who have their kids in sports right now.

    16. TFTony Finau32:54

        Love. Love your kid, uh, unconditionally. Just meaning without conditions, without your predestined, predetermined, you know, result-driven conditions. Just love them unconditionally.

    17. BEDr. Becky33:08

        I think that is the perfect note to end on. Thank you. This was incredible. I have loved getting to know you, and thank you for your stories and your wisdom, and so much that's so applicable to so many areas of life. So thank you.

    18. TFTony Finau33:22

        Thank you. Thanks for having me on, Dr. Becky. It was great.

    19. BEDr. Becky33:27

        [upbeat music] I absolutely loved that conversation with Tony. There were so many parallels between themes we talk about in parenting, themes on the course, and what grit and resilience really look like. And there are two main things that I'm thinking about, and will continue to after this conversation. Number one was this common theme of repair. We all have bad moments, whether it's at work, in parenting, on the course, but actually what's most important is what we do next, how we recover and how we repair. The other thing that I'll be thinking about is the power of being there, of being there to help your kid recover, and how there's not a lot we can say. There's no fixing. Definitely not time for a lecture. Being present, sitting down on the bench with your kid in their hard moment, that has more impact than we know, and that's what really, really matters. Let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground, place a hand on your heart, and let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon. [upbeat music]

Episode duration: 35:05