Walking on Eggshells With Your ADHD Tween? Here’s What May Be Happening Underneath

1. 0:01 – 1:26

   When normal requests trigger snapbacks and blame: the “in-between years” dynamic

   1. SHDr. Sheryl0:01

      You ask your kid to do something, something normal, something reasonable, and they snap back, sharp, dismissive, mean. Sometimes they may even curse at you or hit you, and you think, "Okay, not okay." So you parent. You say something. You try to hold a boundary, and then your kid looks at you and says, "You're the one being rude. You're the one being difficult." Welcome to The In Between Years. I'm Dr. Sheryl. Suddenly, you're off balance. Now, it's not just about what they said, it's about whether you did something wrong. Your tone, your words, the way you handled it, and before you know it, you're in this exhausting loop. If you have a kid who feels things deeply, who reacts quickly, or even who just ignores you, or takes everything you say literally, this can start to feel like walking on eggshells in your own home. Today, let's understand what's actually happening in those moments, why kids turn things around like this, and how you can stay grounded in your role even when your kid is telling you you're the problem. Meet today's guest, mom of five, Emily.

2. 1:26 – 2:44

   Meet Emily and Cooper (12): parenting whiplash and a recent ADHD diagnosis

   1. EMEmily1:26

      My oldest is 12, and my youngest is five, so it's crazy here, and wild, and amazing, and fun, and all of the good things, but it's, it's getting to be those older years, which we're talking about today, are taking me by storm a little bit. I'm kind of, uh, feeling whiplash that I think a lot of parents do. You get out of those kind of beginning years, and the tantrums, and all of that, and now we're moving into teen, and it's a whole different kind of hard.

   2. SHDr. Sheryl1:57

      Uh, it sure is. Okay. So, um, w- you want... Do you want to share the first name of the child we're gonna be focusing on? Okay. What's his name?

   3. EMEmily2:08

      Cooper, and he is 12 years old. He's my oldest, and he was diagnosed with ADHD, and so a lot of, you know, kind of learning about him, learning how his brain works, that's what I've been really trying to do because I know that as much as, a- as much as he's gonna have his things, it's also a lot of me learning how to react to him, and how to set him up to not be frustrated and angry all of the time. But we're still dealing with a lot of that, um, a lot of these issues that we have with teens.

3. 2:44 – 4:44

   What led to evaluation: giftedness, school demands, and a sudden drop in performance

   1. SHDr. Sheryl2:44

      Uh, yes. Yes. Okay. So first, tell me a little more about Cooper. Like, when did he get diagnosed with ADHD, and what were some of the behaviors that led to you even seeking a diagnosis?

   2. EMEmily2:56

      So Cooper is very, very bright, and this is something we've known since he was very little. We actually had him tested as a toddler for autism, and they came back and said, "No, he's not autistic, but he's very, very bright. And so you are gonna probably see some of these EQ, IQ things, it, for the rest of your life, and essentially good luck with that," and that's all they tell you. Um, and he... This past year, what happened was he, he started sixth grade, and at our particular elementary school, sixth grade is the top of the school, and they're preparing you for middle school, and these teachers are, "You're gonna organize yourself. You're gonna do things yourself. You're gonna learn responsibility." God bless them. They're amazing. Uh, but, but that was a crazy transition for him. We were used to all As on report cards without him trying, and I went into his first parent-teacher conference of the year, and they said, "Here's his report card," and it was all Ds and Fs with an A in PE, which is also very unlike him. So I asked them if this was the right report card. [laughs]

   3. SHDr. Sheryl4:10

      [laughs] Well, that's about... Is there a typo here? [laughs]

   4. EMEmily4:14

      You're showing me there's a different Cooper, obviously, that is not mine, and we need to look into this. But he, i- and they said he has 38 missing assignments, and this is only a couple of weeks into the year. So that's kind of how I started to realize was he has 38 missing assignments. Um, he's doing the work. He can do the work. You sit him down for a test, and he'll ace it, but he's not turning in the work, and he's not remembering where he put the work that he did, and he's not organized. And, um, they

4. 4:44 – 6:19

   Rethinking ADHD: not always hyperactive, sometimes inattentive and hard to notice

   1. EMEmily4:44

      said during class he spaces out, and you could just see him, which totally tracked with what I was seeing at home as well. So we went to the doctor around October of this year and told them what was happening, and they, you know, did the, the testing, and they said he's showing... You know, I didn't think he had ADHD because I thought ADHD meant super hyperactive, couldn't sit still, which I have one of those, but Cooper is not that kid, and he's never been that kid. So I was really shocked and taken aback by the diagnosis and, um, and have been trying to kind of figure it out ever since.

   2. SHDr. Sheryl5:28

      Okay, so this is all relatively recently. I mean, it was... It's a school year, but-

   3. EMEmily5:34

      Yeah

   4. SHDr. Sheryl5:34

      ... it, it unfolds before you. So I get what he's like at school. He's not able to turn in assignments. He's starting to zone out a little 'cause he's probably really bored. We have also, you know, another term I'm gonna throw in here. We have a twice-exceptional kid. So that means, right, highly gifted and also with some neurodiversity, right? So we call that twice exceptional. That's particularly challenging. Um, and you don't really know until you get this first report card, and this first report card has you going, "Well, we, we need to check things out." Okay, so I wanna actually ask you, when you shared with him the diagnosis, or did you share with him the diagnosis? I guess I should start there, and if you did, what was his response to that?

5. 6:19 – 8:16

   Home conflict loop: repeated prompts, rising frustration, and “you’re being rude” reversals

   1. EMEmily6:19

      Yes, I did share with him, and, you know, I said, "You have what when I was little was called ADD, and then it became ADHD, and... But you're not hyperactive." And so, you know, and I was kind of trying to explain to him, and I said, "For you, it's focus. Focus is kind of tricky, and that's why, you know, sometimes I'll say, 'Cooper. Cooper. Cooper.' And I, you know, trying to clap and hello." And, um, and so at home, it's, it's a lot of the same. Um, he's in a daze, and I have to very much get his attention, and that does kind of lead into, uh, the problems that we have because by the third or fourth time of me saying, "Hey, dude, what's up?" He is frustrated, and, and I'm frustrated, and my voice is more frustrated, and my tone is probably not as kind as it was the first time. And then he gets very upset, and he very much is reacting to, uh, to my tone and the way that I'm getting frustrated after the 10th time of asking him to do something. And then it becomes one of those, you know, "Can you please pick this up?" And it's, "I am." And then there's that. And then I'm saying, "Okay, dude, not... Let's not talk like that." And then it comes back with, "You're the one who was being rude." And it co-

   2. SHDr. Sheryl7:45

      Hmm

   3. EMEmily7:45

      ... and everything is me. I'm being rude by asking him to do things. And, and he is right that, uh, you know, and I'll say to him, "I'm, I'm very sorry that I asked in a rude way that time. Mommy was frustrated because I had to ask 10 times." You know? And but there is that kind of back and forth where he's getting angry and frustrated with my tone, and then kind of telling me that I'm being rude, and I'm the one who's, who's kind of

6. 8:16 – 10:24

   Literal thinking and escalation: “If you ever hit me again… you’ll lose everything”

   1. EMEmily8:16

      m- making the problems, essentially. He is very literal, and sometimes that can be difficult to navigate as a parent. So, um, I said to him the other day, we, we were really getting into it, and I said... And we were, it was melting down. And I said, he... And he hit me, and he's not an aggressive person, and he's not... I mean, he's, he's, I call him our marshmallow. He's sweet, and he's soft, and he's sensitive, and, and so he swatted at me. And it wasn't a punch, but he swatted at me and hit my hand. And I said, "If you ever hit me again, you will lose everything." And he paused, and he stared at me. And I said, "Do you understand what I'm saying?" And he said, "So you want me to die?" And I said, [laughs] and this is in the middle of this huge argument, so I was just like, "What?" [laughs] And I said, "What do you mean I want you to die? No. Why would you say that?" And he said, "You'd say you'd take away everything. My food." And I said, "Cooper, I will take away your iPad. I will take away treats, and I will take away your friends. Do you understand?" And he said, "So I guess I can't go to school because that's where I see my friends." [laughs] And it's hard, too, because I don't think he was trying to be a smart aleck. I think he was taking things very literally, and that tends to happen a lot with him. You know, we saw these people at school, and they said, "Oh, you have to come swimming at our house this summer." And he said, "They don't have to." And I was like-

   2. SHDr. Sheryl10:01

      Hmm

   3. EMEmily10:01

      ... "You're right. They don't have to." So there's a lot of kind of that, that nuance and, um, and that hi- him taking things either the wrong way or... And then I do think there's also a tone situation, where he doesn't seem to recognize his tone, but he definitely hears my tone, if that makes sense.

7. 10:24 – 11:51

   Hyperfocus and the attention “switch”: why he doesn’t respond until you’re right there

   1. SHDr. Sheryl10:24

      Oh, yeah. It makes so much sense. There's, there's actually so much here. So one of the things I wanna start off with is there's sometimes this thought around ADHD that, it says it right in, you know, the label, right? It is attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. However, one of the things that I wonder about Cooper, if he is one of those kids who has ADHD and also has hyperfocus. So hyperfocus is like, wait, you said he has ADHD, but he can literally sit and do Legos for five hours, or when he's really into a show, he could watch 10 shows in a row. Like, what are we talking about here? So let me check in with that part. Do you notice that when he's really interested in something, he can really get so into it, he's almost in his own world?

   2. EMEmily11:13

      Yes, 100%. Yes, and my daughter is the, the other one you mentioned. She's, the ADHD has to always be... You know, she can't watch a show. She has to do cartwheels, doodle, knit, watch a show, and listen to music, and he is the exact opposite, where I do think for him, it's very much he is somewhere else. And yes, he's completely... And he can read books. You know, he, he takes books everywhere we go, and he's in them, and he is not listening to a thing you're saying, 'cause he's in the book. So yes-

   3. SHDr. Sheryl11:49

      Hmm

   4. EMEmily11:49

      ... I think so, for sure.

8. 11:51 – 13:44

   What works (and why it’s hard): soft tone, eye contact, and investing two minutes up front

   1. SHDr. Sheryl11:51

      I want you to imagine, and maybe you can even reflect on a time, where you have actually been able to get his attention more like at w- the first or second request, and what was different or what is different or could be different about those times?

   2. EMEmily12:08

      I have learned that if I can have a Um, soft and kind and happy tone. It makes a really big difference to him, and so I've really been working on that myself, on trying to say things kind of in a happy way instead of a, like, a serious strict way. And so the tone, I think, is very important for him. And then I also have been trying to get him to look at me. So I'll say, "Cooper, can you look at me really fast?" And he, he, you know... And that sometimes is tricky, but when he looks at me, I do tend to get better results, for sure.

   3. SHDr. Sheryl12:50

      What you can do is you can choose to take the two minutes probably that it'll take to put this down, run upstairs, you know, "Hey, Cooper, can you look at me?" And all that stuff. And that probably would take you two minutes, right? Then you have the discussion, then you gotta come back down. But I also want you to think about how many minutes, and I don't know what you're gonna say, but how many minutes do you think when you don't do that, and you're just repeating yourself, does it take for you to, from when you start to when he actually does, and then you get through the conversation where he tells you you hurt his feelings, or you're being so rude. "Why are you talking to me that way?" What do you think gets in the way right now that we're just, like, unpacking this, right? What, what do you think gets in the way from you saying, "I know what to do. I mean, I know I should go up to him. I should use a softer tone of voice, and I should ask him to look at me." Like, the success rate's so much higher, and it goes so much faster. What do you think gets in the way of that for you?

9. 13:44 – 15:24

   The real blockers: five kids, parental ADHD, overstimulation, and “immediacy” habits

   1. EMEmily13:44

      I think it's probably a combination of his siblings. [laughs] The fact that-

   2. SHDr. Sheryl13:50

      Mm

   3. EMEmily13:50

      ... there's five of them.

   4. SHDr. Sheryl13:51

      Yep.

   5. EMEmily13:51

      Um, and instead of there being one kid, there's five. The, you know, that, and then I think, um, probably my own ADHD, if we're being honest. The, I, I tend to be the, um, i- immediate person. That kind of is part of my issues that I have, is I want it immediate. I want it now. If I ask someone to do something and they don't do it, I'll do it, and I'll do it faster, and I'll do it better. And I... And so I'm-

   6. SHDr. Sheryl14:23

      Yep

   7. EMEmily14:23

      ... unlearning this. Um, I think a lot of moms can relate to that. And, but, you know, I think, I think also as a mom, having that overwhelm and that, the emotional overwhelm that comes from, you know, overstimulation, which I've also learned is apparently a part of ADHD. [laughs]

   8. SHDr. Sheryl14:46

      [laughs]

   9. EMEmily14:46

      And who knew? And so that overwhelm and that, that kind of overstimulation and emotional burden that mothers carry, I think sometimes gets in the way of the knowing what will actually work and, and listening to, you know, Dr. Becky and, and knowing if I validate the feelings and if I... You know, I know what I should do, but I think it's the emotional overwhelm and the overstimulation sometimes that just kind of melts that away, and you're reacting maybe from a more primal place than a logical or, you know, a s- smart place.

10. 15:24 – 20:18

    Repair after rupture: owning words, explaining stress, and rebuilding trust

    1. SHDr. Sheryl15:24

       Here's the thing about that tone of voice I wanna go back to. And there's, I also wanna go back to when he said, um, so you... What did he say? "You want me to, you want me to-

    2. EMEmily15:33

       You want me to die

    3. SHDr. Sheryl15:34

       ... you want me to die."

    4. EMEmily15:35

       Yeah.

    5. SHDr. Sheryl15:35

       Right.

    6. EMEmily15:35

       "You want me to die because you're going to take away water-

    7. SHDr. Sheryl15:38

       Yep

    8. EMEmily15:39

       ... and food."

    9. SHDr. Sheryl15:40

       Yep. When he has this respon- this is a reaction, right? When he has that reaction, I want you, because sometimes we think their behaviors are so foreign, and they're like, we're, like, having a hard time understanding or relating. I want you to stop and think about, like, okay, so what would be s- could I think of something that's equivalent in my adult life, like, maybe, 'cause maybe I can then have greater compassion. Oh, yeah. So, like, in this case, that's what he heard. He actually did take it that way. Like, I'm gonna, like, 'cause I could see you just got hit in the hand. He's nev- that's never happened before. So you are in reaction mode, not response mode, and basically you were just, like, said whatever came out of your mouth, which was like, "I don't even really know what to say, so guess what? I'm taking everything away. Every- you're done for," right? We say things like that. Like, "You're done. You're done. I'm shutting it down. I'm blah, blah, blah. I'm taking it all away." Then he has a hard time with nuance. He was also probably, again, like, in some world, right? He's like, something really interesting is happening, and then this happened, and it really threw him off. So I love that actually that happened because I think you have this opportunity to repair, right? And you can say, "You know, one of the things that I'm gonna work on, I'm gonna work on really thinking about my words. And that can actually be really hard for me because in my brain, a lot of things were happening, too. And when I feel stressed, I know that sometimes I rush things or I say things I don't mean. Does that ever happen to you?" Right?

    10. EMEmily17:08

        Yeah.

    11. SHDr. Sheryl17:08

        This is the beginning of, like, a beautiful repair. So I want you, because I know he's gonna come home soon, I want you to, to, like, practice that with me. How would you, like, kind of go back to that moment? What would your repair sound like?

    12. EMEmily17:22

        So I ki- I, I, the next day... I know how important repair is. I, I've heard Dr. Becky talk about this a lot, and, and it's, it's on my mind now, and I wish I had started this y- years before, but it is now on my, on my mind and in my heart to, to always try to repair with my kids pretty quickly. And so I did say to him, "You know, I think, Coop, what I'm learning about you is how literally you take things, and I want you to know this about yourself because not everyone is out there, they're not all going to intend w- to be s- taken so literally. And now that I know this about you, it's something that I'm gonna work on because I shouldn't say to you things like I'm gonna take away everything, because I don't mean that. And so that's something that I have to work on and that I'm going to-" Try to get better with. Um, but also one thing I want you to work on is that when you hear something that sounds kind of literal, you know, for me, we can talk about it, but if it's out in the world, you know, maybe it's something that you say to yourself, "Hmm, I wonder if they didn't mean that quite so literally." Because I do want him to also learn this part of himself and maybe know that not everyone is going to be able to kind of handle it in this way. But also saying to him, you know, that... And I, I have told him, "Hey, guess what? Because of you, because of you going to the doctor, I was diagnosed, too. And now I know, you know, it is really hard for me to react to things appropriately sometimes, and it's really hard for me to understand or to react well to a bad tone. And, and so I understand that my tone has to be better, and that's something that I really wanna work on with you. And I also would appreciate it if you would just give me grace to know that I'm a human, too, and I'm gonna mess up, and I'm gonna say things wrong, and I'm gonna say things in the wrong way. And if you can forgive me for that, you know, I would so appreciate it, and I hope you know I'll always forgive you for that, too." So that's kind of-

    13. SHDr. Sheryl19:32

        Mm-hmm

    14. EMEmily19:32

        ... what I, what I wanna do, what I hope to do with, with him and with all of my kids is kind of to be able to not only show them that I'm a human, but also help them to maybe understand when they're out in the world. You know, that's the, that's the big thing is I, I do want to be able to prepare them for the fact that not everyone's going to, you know, understand the way that I do. You know? And that is kind of a question I have is, is how do you do that? Or is that even im- important to do, or is it just kind of giving them the safe place at home and, and letting them kind of figure out the world on their own?

11. 20:18 – 20:59

    Adjusting the repair: don’t ask a literal kid to ‘be less literal’—teach concrete skills instead

    1. SHDr. Sheryl20:18

       The first thing I want to do is you said to him, "Hey, when I say something, I really want you to work on not taking it so literally." Right? That's a really hard ask.

    2. EMEmily20:29

       Yeah.

    3. SHDr. Sheryl20:29

       Right? Because he doesn't know. He doesn't actually know. So that's okay. So now you can, like, at any point, could be tonight, could be tomorrow, whenever. At some point you can be like, "You know what I was thinking about? You know, the other day I said to you, like, if you hear me say something literal, I don't want you to... Like, I want you, I don't want you to take it so literally. I realize that that was probably an ask that I don't really know that you can do right now." And then at that point he might be like, "No, I can," or he might be like, "Yeah, I don't even know what you're talking about." And then [laughs] you can be like,

12. 20:59 – 23:47

    Teaching empathy explicitly for twice-exceptional kids (without overwhelm)

    1. SHDr. Sheryl20:59

       "I get that. I... Let's, let's, let's think that one through." You can even say, "Let's think it through together." Even though you might not need to have this conversation with the other four, like, if that's what he needs, he will grow so much from you being like, "Okay, I'm gonna take this, like, really seriously, and I'm gonna approach it in a way I think will work for him." And he will get it. He's a bright kid. He just has to be taught. He could even be that way with empathy. Sometimes I have kids who are twice exceptional, and empathy doesn't come supernatural always for them. And so it's like, "Okay, so remember earlier when your sister fell, and then she started crying, and, like, she had that thing in her hand and it broke?" And he might be like, "Yep." And then you could go through empathy. "So even though it wasn't me, I really felt for her. She was working on it for so long." And he could be like, "Oh, I didn't even think about that." And you could be like, "Well, the next time something happens to someone that you might c- that you care about and they start crying, I want you to actually stop and think, what would it feel like if that were me, if I would've tripped and broken something." Right? And I'm, I'm literally being so literal with you because I... There is... Uh, it sounds unnatural. So many people say, like, "I would never naturally talk that way to someone." I'm like, "But your kid needs it."

    2. EMEmily22:14

       Yes.

    3. SHDr. Sheryl22:14

       So if they need it, right, give them what he needs. So I'll pause there, and tell me how that lands with you.

    4. EMEmily22:20

       Yes, that... And the empathy is definitely something also that, you know... And, and I'm, I'm the over-empathy. I, I'm empathic to a major fault, and it's something I've had to work on. And it's almost like for him, empathy isn't his default. When he does go there, it's very overwhelming and very intense for him. And so, um, but what you said, having those conversations, like, you know, kind of digging in a little bit more and kind of getting him to kind of imagine what other people are going through and things like that, I think feels really right for him. And, and I do think that doing it in that way, too, might help him be able to practice empathy without it kind of overtaking him in a way that it sometimes does when he does find himself empathetic, and it's, it's kind of the, this rush of pain. And so, and, and I wonder if maybe the rush of pain is his body's way of, like, that's why he doesn't go there all the time, because his body knows that is very painful when I do, so I don't want to. So it's like a shutdown. But I do think kind of helping him to practice it more could be something that would be really helpful for him.

13. 23:47 – 30:17

    Puberty, sensitivity as a ‘superpower,’ and preparing for the world through language and autonomy

    1. SHDr. Sheryl23:47

       It truly is almost survival probably for him. Like, I have to go safe into my world, because when I step out into this world, I don't have any defenses. And my, um... I'm imagining he's going through puberty right now, and so hormones are-

    2. EMEmily24:03

       Puberty.

    3. SHDr. Sheryl24:03

       Yeah.

    4. EMEmily24:04

       Yeah, I can feel... I do think there's the hormone shift, and that's what, you know, when I go to his doctors now and we're doing those checkups, I'm like, "Well, I think he's, I think hormones are coming in." And then, you know, and, and we're, you know, we were trying different medications, small doses, to kind of see what works and what doesn't. And, and then, you know, they're saying, "Well, how is he doing?" Behaviorally and emotionally, and I'm like, "Well, I don't know if it's coming off of medication. I don't know if it's hormones coming in. There, it's a, it's a lot going on right now." And I think he, and he is very much deeply feeling, and he's very much sensitive and, um, and always has been. And so that is something where I kind of feel like I have to walk on glass, and I'm learning that that's not necessarily a bad thing, which is what I think, like you said, we grew up, when I was called sensitive, it was not a compliment. It was, "Oh, you're so sensitive," and, "Emily is so sensitive," and it was always this negative thing. And so I think I'm also kind of having to rewire my own brain to be like, it's not walking on glass. It's giving him what he needs, and it's not that being sensitive is a bad thing. It's that, you know, we see the world differently.

    5. SHDr. Sheryl25:28

       Yeah. I think, like, a really beautiful reframe around sensitivity, and honestly, ADHD, right? I'm sure you've heard people say, like, "ADHD can be your superpower. Being sensitive can be your superpower. Being an empath can be a superpower," when it's managed. When it goes unmanaged, we'll stick with the empath one, right? You could walk around and be like, "I'm a hot mess all the time. I'm crying all the time. I'm feeling people's feelings." We do need to build up, like, some sort of guard around us, right? And it is like, think about it, even as I'm saying it, how nuanced it is to know when do I put that down, allow the feelings to come in and be with you, and then when do I put that back up? And I think you have this beautiful opportunity to reframe that for him and be like, "Cooper, being sensitive, being aware of how other people feel and feel their feelings can be one of the most amazing superpowers," and it's just like, it... I don't know if he's into superheroes. You know, it's just like X superhero, just kinda gotta know when to, like, put on the cape and then take it off, right? They're not always flying around being superheroes. There's times where you, you have to kind of go into a different mode, because it can be too much. And so I think if you can relay it that way to him, he will also see it that way. He will learn to put words to how he's feeling, and I think you will be so much less concerned about, like, out into the world, because he will understand the world, you know, at more complex levels.

    6. EMEmily27:03

       Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. And yeah, having that, the way to describe to him that it's, it is a really powerful, good thing, but we also kind of have to protect ourselves and do what we need to do to survive the world as well, and you can't be the superhero all the time.

    7. SHDr. Sheryl27:26

       Yeah. And, and I would just say to him, like, so, you know, that's, like, the protective part, and then, you know, just getting back to kind of, like, where you started, which was, like, "Ugh, I ask him to do things over and over," you can even say, like, "I was thinking about that, and I know that you have, like, such a fun, creative world that goes on in your books or just in your imagination, in whatever you're doing, and I love that about you. You get so into the things that you're doing. Like, I probably do feel annoying to you sometimes, and it irritates you because you really like what you're doing." So essentially, you're, like, validating, like, even though we have this diagnosis of ADHD and people think of it as, like, having a hard time focusing, really, in his case and in so many other kids' cases, it's just that they can't focus on multiple things at a time, and they get really focused on one thing at a time. And you can say to him, like, "And I really value and appreciate that now that I think about it, and these are the things I'm gonna do." And then I wouldn't even tell him what he needs to do. You can say, "What do you think? What's something, like, maybe you can do?" Right? And so that's where, like, at 12, he's just starting, but definitely at 13 and 14, he's gonna value that so much, the autonomy to come up with his own solutions, to meet you halfway, to be like, "Okay, Mom, you're doing this. Here's how I wanna think of it," or he didn't love the superhero analogy anymore. He likes this analogy. Great. Can give him that autonomy all day long. Okay. Emily, you gave so much for, for me and for the listeners to think about, and I so appreciate you just being w- willing to share your own vulnerabilities and what you're working on, and, um, you really have actually a beautiful lens that you're looking at Cooper through. I, I know probably there's days you're s- way more frustrated, but I think having this quiet time sitting in your kitchen, like, allowed you even to get connected with, like, he's actually a really awesome, sweet kid, and I guess I just gotta figure out how to talk to him and reach him in a different way than maybe even my other kids, and that's what makes you a superhero. It's what makes parenting, [laughs] you know, the most, um, amazing and challenging thing, I think, to do, so thank you.

    8. EMEmily29:37

       Thank you so much. I appreciate it, and I love the idea of kind of, I think a lot of parents struggle with something happened, and then you feel like, "Well, now I'm screwed," or, and I love the idea of being able to go back in and kind of say, like, "Hey, I was thinking about this," and, and letting that kind of be a starting point for a new way of doing things, and I really like that idea. So I'm excited to, to do that with him and with my other ones and just to be able to kind of go back in and say, like, "Hey, I was thinking about that thing, and, you know, what do you think about that?" And, and going in like that. I think that's gonna be awesome.

14. 30:17 – 32:00

    Closing takeaway: when tweens blame you, stay rooted—model regulation and connection

    1. SHDr. Sheryl30:17

       Your child telling you you're the one being rude doesn't mean you've lost your footing. It usually means your child feels overwhelmed or called out or just out of control, and they're reaching for something, anything, that puts them back on steadier ground. And in those moments, your job is to stay rooted, to hold onto your role, to keep your voice steady, and to show your child over time what it looks like to handle hard feelings without turning them into a fight. Your child can feel big things and still learn how to be in connection with you, and if your kid is a lot like the way that you were as a kid, that journey is going to take lots of practice from both of you. Every day, I'm helping members in the Good Inside community navigate issues just like these. You can learn more at goodinside.com. Okay, let's zoom out. Deep breath. [inhales] [exhales] This in-between stage feels hard because it is hard. If you remember nothing else, remember this: They act like they don't need you. They still need you. I'll see you next week. [outro music]

Episode duration: 32:00