When the ‘Perfect’ Voice Shows Up in Play

1. 0:00 – 0:08

   Intro

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:00

      [upbeat music]

2. 0:08 – 0:38

   Why “Good enough” reassurance can backfire with perfectionism

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:08

      Do you ever watch your kid draw one wrong line or build a tower when one block is off, and then the whole thing is over? It's like it has to be perfect or it can't be done at all. Often, our urge in those moments is to reassure our kids, "Hey, it doesn't have to be perfect. This is good enough. You're so hard on yourself." At the same time, it's important to know that when we try to reassure our kid out of perfectionism, we tend to almost make the perfectionism more intense because

3. 0:38 – 1:08

   Introducing the ‘Perfect Voice’ strategy through play

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy0:38

      our kid now feels alone with that perfectionistic part of them. I wanna tell you something totally different that you can do that is going to help your kid have less perfectionism and be more resilient through hard, messy moments. It's called the Perfect Voice, and playing with Hot Wheels with your kid is the perfect time to build this skill. So let's say you're building a track. Before you start building next to your kid, you might say

4. 1:08 – 1:38

   Model the concept: tell your child about your own Perfect Voice

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:08

      something like this: "Do you know that sometimes I have a Perfect Voice when I'm starting to build and something is tricky? I hear this Perfect Voice say, 'Perfect, perfect. It has to be perfect. If it's not perfect, I have to quit.' Do you ever have anything like that?" It's okay if your kid doesn't respond. Keep going. Then start to build, but instead of getting it perfect and right, have a little mistake. Struggle a little bit and say something

5. 1:38 – 2:09

   Act it out: make a small mistake and externalize the perfectionistic script

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy1:38

      like this aloud, "Oh, it's not perfect. I don't know if I can do it. If it's not perfect, maybe it's not worth it." But then take a breath [inhales] [exhales] and share something like, "Hi, Perfect Voice. You always tell me I have to be perfect. You're a part of me and not all of me, and I also have a different voice. I can stick with tricky things," and then continue building. That's

6. 2:09 – 2:34

   Respond with a ‘different voice’: parts-not-all and staying with the hard thing

   1. BKDr. Becky Kennedy2:09

      the beauty and power of open-ended play. When we give our kids the space to create and challenge themselves without any strict rules or a playbook, that's when they really learn and grow, and that's the ultimate goal. In doing this, you're really helping make that Perfect Voice a little less loud, and that's the ultimate goal. [upbeat music]

Episode duration: 2:34