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“Why Don’t I Feel a Bond With My Baby?” A Honest Conversation About Early Motherhood

What If I Don’t Feel a Bond With My Baby? What if you don’t feel that immediate rush of love after your baby is born? In this episode, Dr. Becky sits down with writer and mom Ruthie Ackerman to talk about something many parents experience—but almost no one says out loud: *what if the bond doesn’t come right away?* Ruthie shares what those early weeks actually felt like for her—watching her husband connect easily with their baby while she wondered, "Will I ever feel this?" She opens up about the quiet fears, the self-doubt, and the stories she told herself about what it meant. Together, they unpack: - Why bonding doesn’t always happen instantly (and why that’s more common than you think) - How anxiety and expectation can make it harder to feel what’s already there - The pressure of “natural” parenting—and what happens when things don’t feel natural at all - How connection can build slowly, in small, everyday moments This conversation is a reminder that there is no single “right” way to become a parent—and no timeline your feelings have to follow. Thank you to our partners for making this episode possible: - Pipette: https://www.pipettebaby.com/: Get 15% off Pipette’s line of SPF products with the code GOODINSIDESPF at pipettebaby.com - Airbnb: https://click.pscrb.fm/2f: Host your home or book your next stay on Airbnb - Coterie: https://www.coterie.com/: Get 20% off with the code GOODINSIDEBABY20 - Once Upon a Farm:: https://onceuponafarmorganics.com/) Use the code GOODINSIDE for 40% off your first subscription

Dr. BeckyhostRuthie Ackermanguest
May 7, 202630mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 0:00

    Intro

    1. BE

      [gentle music]

  2. 0:00 – 1:44

    Why the “rush of love” expectation can feel so heavy

    1. BE

      Hi, welcome to Rattled, a podcast from Goodinside. I'm Dr. Becky, and I'm really glad you're here. We made the show especially for you, new parents and parents-to-be in those first few weeks and months around having a baby. For those moments when new parenthood shakes you, those moments that make you second-guess yourself and your choices. Today, we're exploring, what if I don't feel this rush of love? If you've ever had this question run through your head, please know you're not the only one. When this question shows up, it feels heavy. It brings up fears about connection and identity and whether you'll ever feel like the parent you wanted to feel like with your new baby. In this episode, we're going to hear one mom's story, and we're going to really slow things down together so that feeling and that thought just becomes a little less overwhelming and definitely a lot less lonely. Think of this as a steady voice beside you from someone who's been there, too. Today, that voice belongs to Ruthie Ackerman. Outside this podcast, she's a writing coach, and she's the author of the memoir The Mother Code: My Story of Love, Loss, and the Myths That Shape Us. But today in this podcast, she's a mom who's sharing very openly about the feeling she had after having a baby and not having this rush of bonding and love that so many people talk about. [gentle music] Who was Ruthie Ackerman before her first baby arrived?

  3. 1:44 – 2:49

    Meet Ruthie Ackerman: from anti-feminist framing to rethinking motherhood

    1. RA

      Hell no, I would never have a baby. [laughs]

    2. BE

      [laughs] Okay.

    3. RA

      I, I know, which is kind of crazy to me now.

    4. BE

      Yeah.

    5. RA

      But I believed at the time that having a baby felt anti-feminist.

    6. BE

      Hmm.

    7. RA

      That it felt like something weak, degrading, diminishing-

    8. BE

      Mm-hmm

    9. RA

      ... and that I felt like, why would I do that to myself?

    10. BE

      Hmm.

    11. RA

      The game is rigged.

    12. BE

      Hmm.

    13. RA

      And it was only in researching and investigating for the book that I ended up writing that I realized that since the beginning of time, women have been having babies and in very radical ways-

    14. BE

      Hmm

    15. RA

      ... in very revolutionary ways.

    16. BE

      Hmm.

    17. RA

      But the images that I had seen, in my own family, but also in the larger society-

    18. BE

      Hmm

    19. RA

      ... really were these anti-feminist-

    20. BE

      Hmm

    21. RA

      ... models. And yet that was the only image that I could see.

    22. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    23. RA

      And so it was like, who says it has to be that way?

  4. 2:49 – 3:25

    Pre-baby life: career focus, dating, and a carefully built identity

    1. BE

      And, and just, like, how you spent your time, what mattered, how you thought about, you know, the course of your week, your schedule, what got time. Tell me about all that pre-baby.

    2. RA

      Yeah. I was spending a lot of time focusing on my work-

    3. BE

      Mm-hmm

    4. RA

      ... on my career.

    5. BE

      Yeah.

    6. RA

      I was focusing on dating.

    7. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    8. RA

      I had just been divorced. I was looking for a new partner.

    9. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    10. RA

      So I, [laughs] one of the, the things I write about is 60 dates in six months. I was going on a lot of dates.

    11. BE

      Hmm.

    12. RA

      Uh, I was trying to have the time of my life.

  5. 3:25 – 4:40

    Nothing felt “natural”: fertility struggles and fears about attachment

    1. BE

      All right. So let's think maybe now you're in that zone of considering having a baby. Maybe you're even pregnant. What did you think would come naturally?

    2. RA

      [laughs] None of it felt like it was gonna come naturally.

    3. BE

      Okay.

    4. RA

      None of it.

    5. BE

      Yeah.

    6. RA

      Because I had finally, you know, many years later, decided I really wanted a baby. None of the natural ways of having a baby were working for me, from sex, which felt old-fashioned. [laughs] I, like, can't believe people have sex to have babies, I mean.

    7. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    8. RA

      To the, to IVF, which didn't work. So none of the... I mean, IVF was even natural in my mind at that point.

    9. BE

      Hmm. Mm-hmm.

    10. RA

      Like, that's just how everyone does it.

    11. BE

      Hmm.

    12. RA

      So none of the having baby part felt natural.

    13. BE

      Hmm.

    14. RA

      Um, and then I thought it was gonna be really hard for me to bond with any child that I had because I come from a long line of women who had really traumatized relationships with their children.

    15. BE

      Hmm.

    16. RA

      And I just thought that it was either a flaw in my DNA, or I just didn't have a model for what bonding and, and secure attachment would look like.

  6. 4:40 – 6:54

    Preparing for baby: products, panic, and the COVID backdrop

    1. BE

      Mm-hmm. Wow. Did you have an image of those first couple weeks? Did you think about it?

    2. RA

      [laughs] I thought I wasn't gonna sleep. I thought I was going to be doing the five S's, which I don't even remember what- [laughs]

    3. BE

      Soothing, swaddling, shushing.

    4. RA

      I was like, I was like, the only S-

    5. BE

      Right. Mm-hmm

    6. RA

      ... is don't shake the baby. [laughs]

    7. BE

      Yep, mm-hmm.

    8. RA

      So that's... I mean, yeah, I just thought, "I'm going to be doing a lot of, like, calming down." Oh, I also bought all these really, like, pretty nursing tops for the breastfeeding I was gonna do.

    9. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    10. RA

      But that was a struggle.

    11. BE

      Yeah.

    12. RA

      And I was like, "Can I return these $100 shirts?"

    13. BE

      Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]

    14. RA

      But they all look so, like, cute in the photos.

    15. BE

      They do.

    16. RA

      Right?

    17. BE

      Yeah.

    18. RA

      I'm, like, in a field, you know, with flowers.

    19. BE

      Yeah.

    20. RA

      And I'm gonna be breastfeeding.

    21. BE

      Yeah.

    22. RA

      Yeah.

    23. BE

      Is that what...

    24. RA

      [laughs]

    25. BE

      I feel like we all hyper-focus on different things right before the baby comes.

    26. RA

      [laughs]

    27. BE

      Either, like, getting our house ready or the right swaddles or the right bottles-

    28. RA

      [laughs]

    29. BE

      ... or the right outfits. Where did your focus go?

    30. RA

      All of the above.

  7. 6:54 – 9:15

    SIDS fears and donor eggs: resemblance anxiety and fear of judgment

    1. BE

      What were some of the things that loomed large in your head before the baby came? Kind of online advice, people advice, what were you hearing?

    2. RA

      I mean, the things which all, it was all the things. It was the SIDS. I was sure that like-

    3. BE

      Mm

    4. RA

      ... I was going to do something that was going, and I was gonna miss a sign.

    5. BE

      Mm.

    6. RA

      That was really big for me.

    7. BE

      How was that?

    8. RA

      Um, also we, I, I didn't mention this part yet, but we used donor eggs to have our child.

    9. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    10. RA

      And so I had a lot of fears that my child and I wouldn't bond.

    11. BE

      Mm.

    12. RA

      That there wouldn't be, um, we wouldn't look like each other. We wouldn't-

    13. BE

      Yeah

    14. RA

      ... resemble each other.

    15. BE

      Mm.

    16. RA

      And because of that, people would look at us and see my failure written on her face.

    17. BE

      My baby might not look like me. Will I feel bonded to my baby? Will other people make judgments when they see me and my baby?

    18. RA

      Yeah.

    19. BE

      A whole other layer-

    20. RA

      A whole other layer

    21. BE

      ... going through your mind, and a lot of uncertainty. You don't know what your baby's gonna be like. You don't know what you're gonna feel-

    22. RA

      No

    23. BE

      ... in those first days, weeks, months, right?

    24. RA

      No, of course not.

    25. BE

      Yeah, right.

    26. RA

      And also, I would sit outside, there's benches outside our apartment building, and I would watch other moms and babies walk by.

    27. BE

      Mm.

    28. RA

      And I would say like, "Oh, do, does that mom look like her baby? Does this one look like her baby?" And if it was a day that there were lots of moms that looked like their babies, I felt better and reassured.

    29. BE

      Yeah.

    30. RA

      And then if it was a day where they didn't, you know, like it, it was just like I was holding onto this external thing-

  8. 9:15 – 10:43

    “I had a baby” vs. “I became a mom”: delayed identity shift during isolation

    1. BE

      Resemblance. Okay, so fill in this blank for me. In month/year, I became a mom.

    2. RA

      [sighs]

    3. BE

      Just tell me, in...

    4. RA

      In, it was, it would be in 2021, early, maybe like, I would say February, March 2021. She was born in August 2020. So it took the, it took-

    5. BE

      Mm

    6. RA

      ... not only the waking up with her, and the changing the diapers, and those things-

    7. BE

      Mm

    8. RA

      ... it took the day-to-day caretaking-

    9. BE

      Mm

    10. RA

      ... to become a mother.

    11. BE

      Ooh, I, so tell me if this is right. In August 2020, I had a baby.

    12. RA

      Mm-hmm.

    13. BE

      In February or March 2021, I feel like I became a mom.

    14. RA

      Yeah, yeah. I was going through the motions for all those months. Not that I didn't feel love and feel attachment, I did.

    15. BE

      Yeah.

    16. RA

      But I didn't kind of, I couldn't pick my head up and say, "Oh, this commitment that I've made-"

    17. BE

      Yeah

    18. RA

      ... "through the day-to-day caretaking has now made me feel like a mother."

    19. BE

      Oh.

    20. RA

      It was a limbo.

    21. BE

      Yeah.

    22. RA

      I was in this limbo where I didn't know who exactly I was.

    23. BE

      Yeah.

    24. RA

      And also, I think we were all in an identity shift during that time-

    25. BE

      Mm

    26. RA

      ... [laughs] and being in a very small apartment-

    27. BE

      Yeah

    28. RA

      ... and not seeing, like no one could come visit us.

    29. BE

      Yeah.

    30. RA

      And we couldn't see anyone, so I felt like in this like, like the walls were closing in a little bit, both mentally and physically.

  9. 10:43 – 14:34

    A visceral scene: watching dad-baby play and feeling “outside the bond”

    1. BE

      Could you bring me your back or share just a moment in that August to February period, something that feels still memorable, visceral?

    2. RA

      Oh. The thing that's coming to me is watching for clues as to whether my child noticed that we didn't share DNA. So I'll give you an example. Um, you know, we, uh, Rob, my husband, would like make a joke to her, or tickle her, or whatever. And, and remember, she's a few months old.

    3. BE

      Yeah.

    4. RA

      So she's like laughing at everything. But I would watch the way he'd interact with her, and the way she'd throw her head back in laughter, and feel like, oh, that's because they have this special bond that the DNA creates.

    5. BE

      Mm.

    6. RA

      The, and then I would watch and say, "Oh, she's not laughing as hard at my jokes." [laughs] And like-

    7. BE

      Yeah

    8. RA

      ... "She's not laughing as much at me, or she doesn't seem as like in the flow with me." And so I'm always like outside of my body, watching.

    9. BE

      So is she, is she like on the floor-

    10. RA

      Mm-hmm

    11. BE

      ... on the carpet with your husband?

    12. RA

      Mm-hmm.

    13. BE

      I don't, g- give me like the details.

    14. RA

      Yeah.

    15. BE

      Like what's, where are you?

    16. RA

      Like on the bed.

    17. BE

      Okay.

    18. RA

      Yeah, like on the bed, and I'm watch- and I'm like standing by like, there's the front door.

    19. BE

      Mm.

    20. RA

      And I can see them on the bed, and they're playing, and just having this like great time.

    21. BE

      Mm.

    22. RA

      And it feels like there's no other care in the world, that there's no other person in the world, and I feel on the outside.

    23. BE

      Yeah.

    24. RA

      And I still remember that feeling, and it was only months, m- you know, m- I would say months later that I started-- And I used to, by the way, hold her up in the mirror and look at our faces together and be like, "Oh, does she look like me?"

    25. BE

      Yeah.

    26. RA

      And, um, and then- You know, in the years to come, people would s- you know, go, we'd be walking down the street or we'd be at a party and people would ask, like, "Oh, she, she..." They'd either say, "She looks like your mini-me," or they'd say, "She looks exactly like your husband." And so eventually I realized, you know what? People say whatever comes into their mind, and that sometimes I feel like she looks just like me.

    27. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    28. RA

      And sometimes I feel like she doesn't.

    29. BE

      Yeah.

    30. RA

      And sometimes she says to me, "Mom, we're twins." And it's like-

  10. 14:34 – 16:18

    The myth of the singular bonding moment—and how love accumulates

    1. BE

      And that wave

    2. RA

      ... it didn't come at first.

    3. BE

      Mm.

    4. RA

      And I wanted it so badly.

    5. BE

      Mm.

    6. RA

      I feel like y- when you're watching for something and waiting for something [laughs] and nothing-

    7. BE

      I mean, it's, uh-

    8. RA

      Does it ever come?

    9. BE

      Yeah. It makes me wonder, I don't know, did you wake up every morning like, is [laughs] -

    10. RA

      Yeah

    11. BE

      ... is it here? Like, did the Amazon package arrive? [laughs] Like-

    12. RA

      Yes

    13. BE

      ... is today the day? Is today the day, right? And we're, we're so hypervigilant, and it changes-

    14. RA

      Mm-hmm

    15. BE

      ... our relationship with the feeling. It makes us doubt even if it's there in a flicker, and I-

    16. RA

      Mm

    17. BE

      ... I don't know if that feeling comes. Is that a true feeling? Is that a made-up feeling? Does it happen for some people? Does it happen for everyone? D- does it happen for people who are genetically related to their babies, right?

    18. RA

      Yeah.

    19. BE

      Probably all of it, but you were especially attuned to it.

    20. RA

      Yeah.

    21. BE

      Um, and probably oriented toward the negative. Nope, that's not it, right?

    22. RA

      Yeah, absolutely.

    23. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    24. RA

      But now I can tell you that I feel those things. I feel bowled over by her, and I feel bonded, and I never... I, I mean, I don't wanna say never, but, like, I almost never think about the fact that we're not related by DNA.

    25. BE

      Mm.

    26. RA

      But you know what? I can't tell you what that moment was.

    27. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    28. RA

      But in real life, there isn't always a, like, one moment when something happens. It's like an accretion of moments.

    29. BE

      That, that really matters. This, this idealized moment we've talked about that I think, number one, some people think as soon as you have a baby, you experience this love you've never experienced before.

    30. RA

      Yeah.

  11. 16:18 – 19:00

    Feeding struggles as a referendum on motherhood: donor milk, shame, and consent fears

    1. RA

      Absolutely. And the fact that we struggled with breastfeeding made me feel like she doesn't... I mean, I went into those spirals. I was, "She doesn't like the taste of my milk because she's not from my DNA." We had to use donor milk at first, and then it was like, oh, donor egg and donor milk. What does that say about me?

    2. BE

      Mm.

    3. RA

      There were just layers upon layers of ways I beat myself up.

    4. BE

      What was that... What was... Take me back into that part of your brain. Donor egg, donor milk. Or sorry, donor egg, and she doesn't like my milk, right?

    5. RA

      Mm-hmm.

    6. BE

      What, what, what stories do you start telling yourself around that?

    7. RA

      Well, I remember that she would, like, go like this and shake her head, and I thought she was saying, "No, no," in my mind.

    8. BE

      Like-

    9. RA

      I heard her saying, "No," like I-

    10. BE

      Like no milk? No, you're not my mom? No... What did it feel like she was saying? [laughs]

    11. RA

      [laughs] I felt like she was... Like, I'm trying to push her on my breast, and she's saying, "No." It felt almost like an assault. I mean, we're told, like, in-

    12. BE

      Yeah

    13. RA

      ... I don't know, sex ed, you have to ask for consent.

    14. BE

      Right. [laughs]

    15. RA

      And I have this baby who's saying, screaming, "No," and I'm pushing her onto my breast.

    16. BE

      Yeah.

    17. RA

      It just felt like I'm doing something wrong here. This can't be right. And I asked the pediatrician, and she said, "When the baby goes like this and moves its head, it's looking for your breast. It's not saying no." And I was just like, whoa, I'm so deep in my own narrative.

    18. BE

      Yeah. But I, I do think you're not alone, and there's nothing like feeding challenges that strike the core of motherhood.

    19. RA

      Yeah.

    20. BE

      Right? 'Cause at the end of the day, what are we doing in the beginning? We are feeding them, right? And we feed them-

    21. RA

      Mm-hmm

    22. BE

      ... with love, but we literally are feeding them.

    23. RA

      Yeah.

    24. BE

      It's kinda the only thing we do.

    25. RA

      Yeah.

    26. BE

      Right? Like-

    27. RA

      [laughs]

    28. BE

      ... we all have this image of a baby, and we're playing, and they're smiling, they're cooing. I mean, not for a long time. They're sleeping-

    29. RA

      Yeah

    30. BE

      ... and, and you're feeding them. And, and I do think, and I just go back to my own early days, too, as much as I prepared myself, like, it just did, it starts to feel like a barometer for whether I'm a good parent who can bond with their baby.

  12. 19:00 – 20:22

    The weaponized word “natural”: how ideals create the feeling of being flawed

    1. RA

      I felt that. And then I had like three different lactation consultants-

    2. BE

      [laughs]

    3. RA

      ... and they would show these videos of women, and like, "Look how the baby's just... It's so natural." They used the word natural.

    4. BE

      Oh, did they? Mm.

    5. RA

      Yeah, and natural feels like it's wielded against women in so many ways. Natural childbirth, natural-

    6. BE

      Yes

    7. RA

      ... you know, breastfeeding is natural.

    8. BE

      Great.

    9. RA

      But you know what? Like, it- it's hard for people. And I ultimately now, looking back, I don't think it has anything to do with donor eggs.

    10. BE

      Mm.

    11. RA

      But in my mind, I couldn't get out of that trap.

    12. BE

      Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, I, I didn't have a donor egg, and I couldn't get out of that trap too, right? And I think you're right, that word natural is so loaded. Like, it, it seems so nice on the surface. Oh, it's gonna be easy. It's natural.

    13. RA

      Mm.

    14. BE

      But the problem with natural is if you struggle with anything that's deemed to be natural-

    15. RA

      Yeah

    16. BE

      ... the obvious implication is that you're flawed. Like, this is supposed to come-

    17. RA

      Mm

    18. BE

      ... naturally, right?

    19. RA

      Mm-hmm.

    20. BE

      And so if I can't do it, something's wrong with me.

    21. RA

      Yes.

    22. BE

      Right? Mm-hmm.

    23. RA

      And so if you can't have a child the natural way, which is sex, and you can't have a childbirth naturally without-

    24. BE

      Mm-hmm

    25. RA

      ... medicine-

    26. BE

      Right

    27. RA

      ... [laughs] and you can't have-

    28. BE

      Breastfeed naturally

    29. RA

      ... na- Yeah, naturally. Then what is left of the kind of markers and milestones of what it means to be a real mom?

  13. 20:22 – 21:58

    Early signs of bonding and unexpected healing: missing her at sleep and shared songs

    1. BE

      Yes. So did anything surprise you about how you felt in those first number of weeks?

    2. RA

      Yeah. I felt surprised that I d- like, as much as I'm talking right now about the sort of, uh, hypervigilance, the ways that I kind of, um, was g- watching myself and my child, there was also this slow thing that was happening that was m- the bond that was starting to be built, and the ways in which I felt so connected and wanted to be so with her all the time. I'll give you an example.

    3. BE

      Okay.

    4. RA

      When I would put her down to go to sleep, which of course sleep is like the biggest [laughs] thing in those first weeks and months, I would miss her immediately.

    5. BE

      Mm.

    6. RA

      Immediately I would be like, "Oh, I need her like-

    7. BE

      Yeah

    8. RA

      ... in my arms. I need her back."

    9. BE

      Yeah, yeah.

    10. RA

      And so that showed me that there was something going on there. And then, the other thing would be like I would sing this song that my mom used to sing to me. Me singing this song to my child that my mom sang to me felt really like, oh, wow, the things we inherit, the things we pass on-

    11. BE

      Yeah

    12. RA

      ... are really powerful.

    13. BE

      Yeah.

    14. RA

      And then eventually, Clementine, my daughter, began singing that song with me-

    15. BE

      Mm

    16. RA

      ... as I sang it to her, which was so healing. So I didn't... I guess another thing is I didn't expect motherhood to heal me in the way I feel like it has.

  14. 21:58 – 24:28

    Hard moments and what changed: cry-it-out distress, easing anxiety, rewriting the story

    1. BE

      Mm-hmm. Mm. Any, any other parts of those first number of months harder than you thought they'd be? I mean, I heard about the bonding and the feeding.

    2. RA

      I mean, so many.

    3. BE

      Mm-hmm.

    4. RA

      I think the, the cry it out that we tried-

    5. BE

      Mm

    6. RA

      ... and I had to leave the apartment-

    7. BE

      Mm

    8. RA

      ... and my husband did the cry it out, and I came back and she had lost her voice, and I was just like-

    9. BE

      Oh

    10. RA

      ... oh, my God.

    11. BE

      Mm.

    12. RA

      So that was really hard.

    13. BE

      So now, if you think back to those early days, what stands out? What stands out?

    14. RA

      I'm sure there's a good, like, evolutionary reason [laughs] for anxiety, but I do feel like, wow, once I sort of was able to let some of that go, the bond that I now have with my daughter-

    15. BE

      Yeah

    16. RA

      ... and now it's like, oh, my God, she runs to me, and I feel like I run to her when she comes home-

    17. BE

      Yeah

    18. RA

      ... from school, and, uh, like she's telling me about her day. And it just feels... I mean, now I'm gonna use the word natural-

    19. BE

      Yeah, yeah

    20. RA

      ... even though we just said that it's like, you know, a word that has so many layers to it, but, like, it does feel really natural.

    21. BE

      Mm.

    22. RA

      It feels really primal in a way, and I can't believe I thought that I wouldn't be able to do it.

    23. BE

      Yeah.

    24. RA

      Or you know what? Even more than that, I can't believe I thought that the story of the way I'd mother had been written for me in my DNA or even, like, by my maternal line-

    25. BE

      Mm-hmm

    26. RA

      ... or by society.

    27. BE

      Yeah.

    28. RA

      I could choose the way I wanted to mother and who I was gonna be as a mother. I didn't have to do it the way others had told me.

    29. BE

      Society's story, my own family's story, my genetic-related story, that, that doesn't have to be my inherited story. I can, I can write my own.

    30. RA

      Right. We can rewrite our narratives.

  15. 24:28 – 28:11

    What she’d tell new-mom Ruthie: postpartum anxiety, Zoloft, and the “marathon every day” frame

    1. BE

      So hard. Um, if, if you today were sitting next to the Ruthie at week, you know, one or two, yeah, what would you say to her?

    2. RA

      I'd wanna hug her. Poor her.

    3. BE

      Yeah.

    4. RA

      Just I'd wanna hug her and say, "It's all gonna be okay." Your daughter's gonna love you. You're gonna love her.

    5. BE

      Yeah.

    6. RA

      There will not be a question-

    7. BE

      Yeah

    8. RA

      ... in your mind. And that, and I haven't even talked about, like, it's also the family unit. It's not just her and I, it's my husband, too, and the three of us as, as a unit.

    9. BE

      Yeah.

    10. RA

      I didn't, I thought there would be, like, align, an alignment between them.

    11. BE

      Them, them versus me a little?

    12. RA

      Them versus me, exactly.

    13. BE

      Yeah.

    14. RA

      Like, there has to be one person on the outside-

    15. BE

      Mm

    16. RA

      ... um, if there's three, right? So I, but I don't feel that anymore.

    17. BE

      Mm. And in terms of, uh, I wanna hold this duality that you didn't feel that rush of love and bonding then. You do feel that now. What, yeah, what would you say to new mom Ruthie about that, to honor, to honor the real pain and maybe to, to hold hope for w- you know, what you today know was coming in the future. What would you tell her?

    18. RA

      I would say, "You're exhausted. You are in the thick of it."

    19. BE

      Yeah.

    20. RA

      Don't expect too much from yourself right now.

    21. BE

      Yeah.

    22. RA

      I haven't even talked about the fact that I had postpartum anxiety and-

    23. BE

      Yeah

    24. RA

      ... eventually was put on Zoloft, so that did help. But, like, you're in the thick of it. Don't expect that after this, like, life-changing thing of childbirth, where-

    25. BE

      Yeah

    26. RA

      ... it's like, I lost a lot of blood, all the things, and then the exhaustion-

    27. BE

      Yeah

    28. RA

      ... and then the hypervigilance and the anxiety, that you're gonna, like, automatically feel, like, bonded. And then you go to that six-week appointment, and the doctor's like, "Okay, you're, you get the- [laughs]

    29. BE

      You're cleared. You're like, am I?

    30. RA

      You get ch- the check mark-

  16. 28:11 – 30:34

    Closing reassurance: you’re not broken, and bonding can take time (+ community invite)

    1. BE

      Oh. If you've ever felt like Ruthie, now you know you are not alone. And if you're listening before your baby arrives, now you know you might have a thought like this at some point. You might not have a rush of love and bonding. That's okay. It doesn't always come in an immediate way. And if that happens, remember, nothing's wrong with you. It doesn't mean you don't love your baby. It doesn't mean you're ungrateful. It doesn't mean you made a mistake. It doesn't mean you're not the perfect mom for this child. Becoming a parent changes you, and when something changes you that deeply, complicated thoughts come along with it. Your story might look different. Your hard moments might sound different. They're still real. They still count, and they are not some type of report card or measure of your progress. We are all moving through this in our own homes, at our own hours, and we are not doing it alone. At Good Inside, we're so excited about a brand-new, one-of-a-kind offering. We've brought together sleep experts, lactation experts, and me, a psychologist specializing in parenthood, all following the exact same method, so we can show up for new parents who are sharing their experiences inside their community. If you're curious what happens inside the Good Inside community, inside the Good Inside app, we're going to share some stories from members. And if you have a story you want to share with other parents, we would love to hear from you. Please reach out to us, podcast@goodinside.com. And let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground, place a hand on your heart, and let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon. [outro music]

Episode duration: 30:35

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