Will I Ever Feel Like Myself Again After Motherhood? | Morgan Radford & Dr. Becky

Dr. Becky 0:00 I'm so glad you're here. This is Rattled, a show for when new parenthood shakes you. And if you're new here, here's what we do. We take the thoughts that show up in new parenthood, the ones that feel too big, or too scary, or too shameful to say out loud, and we say them, and we sit with them together. Today, we're exploring this thought: Nobody told me that my body and my mind wouldn't feel like mine for a long time, and no one told me that would be temporary. In this episode, we're gonna slow that down together, and we're gonna make that thought less confusing and a little less lonely, and we're going to hear about it from a mom who knew this particular struggle from the inside. She lived it. Today, that voice belongs to Morgan Radford, an NBC News anchor and author of the new novel, Now Then. [gentle music] Who was Morgan Radford-

Morgan Radford 1:09 Hmm

Dr. Becky 1:09 ... before her first baby arrived?

Morgan Radford 1:14 The first word that comes to mind is wanderlust.

Dr. Becky 1:17 Ooh, tell.

Morgan Radford 1:18 I think I was just, and I still am, I think, just really open to the world, but I, like, took advantage in different ways. Like, I would travel to Paris for the weekend. I would [laughs] you know?

Dr. Becky 1:29 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 1:29 I mean, and I, I look for that in my partner. I look for that in my husband. Um, yeah, I... that's what I, I think about. Um, naturally, I think about now who I am afterward-

Dr. Becky 1:38 Yep. I can go there, yeah

Morgan Radford 1:39 ... when I hear that question. Yeah, okay. [laughs]

Dr. Becky 1:41 Nope.

Morgan Radford 1:41 I had a lot of wanderlust.

Dr. Becky 1:42 Wanderlust.

Morgan Radford 1:43 Yeah.

Dr. Becky 1:44 So I just wanna flesh that out. I'll tell you the first word that comes to mind. Maybe it's multiple words. Like, novelty seeking. Is that true too?

Morgan Radford 1:50 Yeah.

Dr. Becky 1:50 You like new things? Like, you're always up for an adventure, or is it just a travel thing?

Morgan Radford 1:55 Oh, I'm still that way.

Dr. Becky 1:56 You love a n-

Morgan Radford 1:57 I love a new thing.

Dr. Becky 1:58 You love a new thing.

Morgan Radford 1:59 Yeah. I love a new thing.

Dr. Becky 1:59 Love something new.

Morgan Radford 2:01 I love the adrenaline and the excitement of novelty.

Dr. Becky 2:07 I think when we can say before a baby, "This is what I know about myself," and your word, wanderlust.

Morgan Radford 2:12 Hmm.

Dr. Becky 2:13 For me, right, and of course, I like to let loose and have fun, but my word was probably, um, predictability or even like-

Morgan Radford 2:21 Hmm

Dr. Becky 2:21 ... excellence.

Morgan Radford 2:21 Before motherhood?

Dr. Becky 2:22 Yeah. Like, always, like, kind of striving for... right? Okay.

Morgan Radford 2:25 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky 2:27 That thing tells us so much about what's gonna be hard for us after a baby. And I don't even wanna get there yet, but I'm gonna preview. You like want-

Morgan Radford 2:34 I want you to get there

Dr. Becky 2:35 ... I'm just guessing you found it boring, and you found, you found yourself stuck for a little bit.

Morgan Radford 2:40 With motherhood?

Dr. Becky 2:41 Yeah, for the initial stages.

Morgan Radford 2:43 It's interesting. I-

Dr. Becky 2:44 Maybe not. Correct me. I love it.

Morgan Radford 2:46 I mean, I would say, like, for example, specifically, if we were thinking of the textbook definition of wanderlust, I was like, man, I'm a boring traveler now. Like, all I do is take a quick flight to the Caribbean with no passport. I'm like, you know, I'm just, I'm so basic. Like, I became basic.

Dr. Becky 3:01 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 3:02 Overnight, I became basic.

Dr. Becky 3:03 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 3:03 Like, I'm not... there's no Paris, uh, for the weekend for me. There's just too much stuff and companies-

Dr. Becky 3:06 It's hard to jet

Morgan Radford 3:06 ... and stuff.

Dr. Becky 3:07 It's hard to just jet.

Morgan Radford 3:07 It's hard to jet. But I will say, while my world was perhaps not as broad, it was deeper.

Dr. Becky 3:14 A- 100%, and we're gonna get there, but the, the thing I wanna talk about before, because I think it really matters-

Morgan Radford 3:20 Mm

Dr. Becky 3:20 ... is like what makes us so often who we are, it, it's not that it goes away forever-

Morgan Radford 3:26 Mm

Dr. Becky 3:27 ... after a baby. No. But when you go through any major identity shift, motherhood, fatherhood's like a big one-

Morgan Radford 3:33 Yeah

Dr. Becky 3:33 ... when you start that, like, we have this life and this identity we formed, and I think a lot of us, we don't even think, at least in those first couple months, what is it gonna be like if it's not available in the same way? How prepared am I-

Morgan Radford 3:46 Mm

Dr. Becky 3:47 ... for that? And so I just always like to start before, because the Morgan who, yeah, like, I could hop on a plane. I wanna do something new. Hey, do you wanna try this restaurant? My guess is you're like, "Oh, yes."

Morgan Radford 3:57 Of course.

Dr. Becky 3:57 I don't even... I'm... You'll probably go somewhere-

Morgan Radford 3:59 No writer

Dr. Becky 3:59 ... that doesn't take your name, and you're like, "I'll wait.

Morgan Radford 4:01 [laughs]

Dr. Becky 4:01 I'll do the thing." Like, so fun. And so I think that matters. I just have a feeling it's gonna come up again. And just, I always feel like we can't understand what's going on for us today if we don't-

Morgan Radford 4:11 Mm

Dr. Becky 4:11 ... have a little bit of historical information. So-

Morgan Radford 4:13 I wish someone had said that, though.

Dr. Becky 4:15 Tell me.

Morgan Radford 4:15 You started by saying essentially it doesn't last forever. I wish someone had said that.

Dr. Becky 4:22 It doesn't last forever. It feels like forever when it's happening, right? Like, so intense.

Morgan Radford 4:29 Feels, feels intense. It feels-

Dr. Becky 4:30 Yeah

Morgan Radford 4:30 ... insurmountable at times.

Dr. Becky 4:32 It does.

Morgan Radford 4:32 But I wish someone had said it's temporary, because I think-

Dr. Becky 4:34 Yes

Morgan Radford 4:34 ... sometimes the anxiety and the panic can make you think, "Oh, my gosh, is this-

Dr. Becky 4:40 Ugh

Morgan Radford 4:41 ... eternal?" [laughs] You know? Am I basic forever?

Dr. Becky 4:45 Before you had a baby, what did you feel especially confident about?

Morgan Radford 4:48 Oof. My mind.

Dr. Becky 4:52 Ooh. Say more.

Morgan Radford 4:54 My mind. Um, I don't think... I, you know, I don't know if I put a lot of stock in sort of other traits.

Dr. Becky 5:00 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 5:01 Um, but my mind was always something I could count on. My mind, and at the time, uh, I think a belief in sort of meritocracy, that the only thing that explained my story was being able to think my way through something or to something-

Dr. Becky 5:16 Hmm

Morgan Radford 5:16 ... work hard. Um, my mind. I always feel like my mind was very strong, and it was very sharp.

Dr. Becky 5:23 And it got you places?

Morgan Radford 5:24 It got me places.

Dr. Becky 5:25 Got you outcomes, or no?

Morgan Radford 5:27 Changed my stars.

Dr. Becky 5:28 Cha- yeah.

Morgan Radford 5:29 Yeah.

Dr. Becky 5:30 Wow. Okay. My mind is pinging in a million places, and I'm trying to stay organized.

Morgan Radford 5:35 [laughs]

Dr. Becky 5:37 Okay. Um, before motherhood, did you assume anything would be easy? Do you think, looking back, like, "Yeah, I probably assumed this would be natural. I assumed this part would be easy." What falls into that category?

Morgan Radford 5:46 I think a lot of it. I think a lot of it I assumed would be easy. I feel like women have been giving babies for, you know, bajillions of years, and you know, it's gonna be easy to balance a career and to make decisions eternally and [laughs] to, you know, do the micro things that are required of motherhood, and do the tactical things that are required of motherhood, and do the emotional things that are required of motherhood. I think it all looked very easy.

Dr. Becky 6:10 Yeah. And, and you said looked. So I'm a visual person too.

Morgan Radford 6:14 Mm.

Dr. Becky 6:14 I don't know if you are. If you can remember pre-child Morgan, do you have an image of those first couple weeks? Like, where would you have been? Were you outside? Were you on your couch? What were you doing? Where's the baby?

Morgan Radford 6:24 When I did have a baby, or would I-

Dr. Becky 6:26 Before

Morgan Radford 6:26 ... before I thought?

Dr. Becky 6:26 Oh, no, no, no. Before. [laughs]

Morgan Radford 6:28 Oh, I 100% believed I was going to be in Thailand on a beach with a newborn. Oh, I, I was this close to booking the flights. I was like, "This is maternity leave."

Dr. Becky 6:37 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 6:37 "I will never have this much paid vacation in my..." Paid vacation. Do you hear that? Paid vacation in my life. That's how I thought of it. And I told my husband, I'm like, "We're going to Thailand. We're gonna just go sit on a beach. I'm gonna nurse."

Dr. Becky 6:49 I love that for you. [laughs] Okay. So, this is, this is amazing. I love the way you, it, you're sharing. So that first day, that first week, just, just go. Just tell me what.

Morgan Radford 7:02 I became a mom the moment I had given birth and I was in a wheelchair, and she was in my arms. We were getting in the elevator of the hospital, and someone said, it was in the elevator, "Oh, you just gave birth." And I said, "This is my daughter."

Dr. Becky 7:23 Hmm.

Morgan Radford 7:24 And that sentence, I, I couldn't believe the words. I feel like I'm gonna cry thinking about it.

Dr. Becky 7:28 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 7:28 I couldn't believe the words that were coming out, and just the, like, disbelief that this was my actual life, and that this was this human soul that I was responsible for, that I had created, that I am now the guardian of. I became a mom in that sentence.

Dr. Becky 7:47 I'm d- I'm just letting that sit, 'cause I wanna honor... Like, I've, I actually have chills and tears coming to my eyes. Like, "This is my daughter."

Morgan Radford 7:55 This is my daughter. And I, and I had the, the gender surprise, so I didn't have a lot of vision. Besides my elephant in Thailand, I didn't have a lot of vision about the baby, what the baby would look like or smell like. Would it have hair? Would it not? Like, I had no sense, and then just even the daughter was a level of specificity I had never allowed my mind to conceive of.

Dr. Becky 8:18 Yeah. Yeah. So there, as we both know, there's so many amazing, beautiful parts of motherhood. They get a little more air time [laughs] than the moments that are, that are surprise, that fall into the category of, "Geez, I just wish someone told me-

Morgan Radford 8:36 Mm-hmm

Dr. Becky 8:36 ... this was gonna be part of it." Take me to one of those moments, one of the moments of, "I wish I had known," or, "That was harder than I thought," or looking back, "Wow, I can't believe I got through that."

Morgan Radford 8:47 Um, I think the physical piece.

Dr. Becky 8:50 Yep.

Morgan Radford 8:52 I think the physical piece, and then there's an attendant emotional piece that comes with that.

Dr. Becky 8:57 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 8:57 Like, practically and tactically, I wish that someone had told me, "You book a postnatal appointment, um, before the six-week mark." Right? Like, typically, you go in, you have your six week. No, you need to be in the system, locked and loaded, so you're not fighting for an appointment in case something goes wrong or in case you're having trouble. Like, you should have set up the lactation specialist just in case. You should set up with your OBGYN just in case.

Dr. Becky 9:21 Before.

Morgan Radford 9:22 Before. Before.

Dr. Becky 9:23 Just say that again, because I think people need to hear it so cliche.

Morgan Radford 9:26 Oh, my gosh. If I could give one piece of advice to myself or to anyone else, it would be to set up your OBGYN appointment and w- an appointment with a lactation specialist, most of which is covered by insurance, by the way-

Dr. Becky 9:39 Yes

Morgan Radford 9:39 ... before your six-week typically scheduled appointment, automatic appointment. Because if something goes wrong, you don't have all your faculties. You don't wanna be, like, fighting to get an appointment and figuring out where to go and who the lactation specialist is near you, 'cause you can... You're, like, immobile, you know? And I remember it was my dad and my husband who had to open their laptops, and they had to find it, and, you know, I physically had a really bad allergic reaction to a product, um, that they used, you know, uh, in the hospital, and that was w- more painful for me-

Dr. Becky 10:13 Hmm

Morgan Radford 10:13 ... than the birth itself. And so here, my... I mean, and, and watching the men in my life sort of rise up, change my bedsheets every day, find the lactation specialist. I wish I had known to sort of pre-book with foresight, just in case.

Dr. Becky 10:30 So, okay, there's so many things I, I wanna unpack, and I just wanna say back just to make sure I got it right so they'll... anyone listening gets it right. Before you have the baby, make an appointment with a lactation consultant. Before you have the baby, that's the time to ask friends, "Who did you use?" Find out then.

Morgan Radford 10:51 Abs-

Dr. Becky 10:51 Okay

Morgan Radford 10:52 ... get some referrals.

Dr. Becky 10:52 And you're saying before you have the baby, your OB, you do not need to wait for that six-week-

Morgan Radford 10:57 You do not

Dr. Becky 10:58 ... appointment.

Morgan Radford 10:58 You need to demand-

Dr. Becky 10:59 Put something in the calendar

Morgan Radford 10:59 ... you need to demand-

Dr. Becky 11:00 And I'm just gonna, I'm gonna speak to the thought that I know parents have. "What, Morgan, what if I don't need it?" Like, what if... Just-

Morgan Radford 11:06 You don't know that you don't need it. You don't know that you don't need it. And this is also, I think this is true for every woman, but if I may take the liberty to also speak to Black and brown women.

Dr. Becky 11:17 Please.

Morgan Radford 11:17 We have... You know, I'm a journalist. I cover the Black female mortality rate in this country all the time. It makes no sense that in the first world, in a country as powerful and, frankly, profoundly rich as the United States, we are dying in these numbers so extreme that for the first child, I flew back to Atlanta to find a Black doctor who would viscerally understand the questions I had, that I felt safe, that I knew that if I did have a problem, would not dismiss that problem or, you know, uh... Uh, that was so important to me. So I, I say that especially to the Black and brown mothers to remind them that if someone says, "No, we can't give you an appointment," you must, for yourself and for the health of your child, but really for the health of yourself, make sure that you get that appointment on the books, and you make space for yourself, and you should be in a practice that makes space for you.

Dr. Becky 12:10 Hmm. [gentle music] There's a very specific moment in the day a lot of parents hit, usually in the afternoon, where you're still going, but everything feels harder than it should. You're answering questions, making decisions, trying to stay patient, and suddenly simple things feel complicated. Like, why does choosing a snack suddenly feel like a high-stakes decision? And most of us, me included, have the tendency to just push through it, power through. But I've started to pay more attention to those in-between moments and how something as basic as hydration can actually help. And that's what I like about LMNT's sparkling electrolyte drinks. They're designed for those exact moments. Not just workouts, but real life. School drop-off, the transition between soccer and coming home, that mid-afternoon dip around 4:07 PM, and it's a simple grab-and-go can. No mixing, no prep. Something I can just reach for when I need a small reset for me. No sugar, no artificial ingredients, just a way to support yourself a little better in the middle of a long day. If you wanna try it, LMNT is offering a free gift with any purchase. Just go to drinklmnt.com/goodinside. That's drink LMNT.com/goodinside. [gentle music] If

Dr. Becky 13:44 you are in a moment where your body does not feel like your own, maybe your body is in pain. Maybe you're thinking, "My body would look a different way by now," and it doesn't. Maybe something just feels really off. Maybe you look down and you think, "Who is this person?" Or maybe your mind doesn't feel like your own. You're not remembering things. You can't find the words. You used to feel like you were someone who was organized and got something together, and now everything just feels so jumbled. I wanna say something to you. Nothing is wrong with you. Your body and your mind are doing exactly the thing they're supposed to be doing, adjusting to this massive transition in your life. There will be a moment when you look down and say, "This is me," and there will be a moment when your brain feels more organized and things feel more linear, and you can remember that word you couldn't remember right now. And I have a feeling you'll even laugh about it. Not laughing at yourself, but just laughing because levity returned again. The transition to parenthood is very real, and our body knows that, and it holds onto that, and our mind does, too. So I'm going to kind of end the way I started. There's nothing wrong with you. You're doing this new parenthood thing exactly right. Now, let's get back to the conversation with Morgan.

Morgan Radford 15:29 I mean, one of the best pieces of advice I ever got while I was pregnant the first time, uh, I had a friend say to me, "Whatever you do, you take care of the baby. Your husband takes care of you. In any moment of doubt, in any moment of choice, that is the order of operation." And again, maybe that's controversial for some. That worked a charm. My husband was making sure I didn't... I mean, I had, like, a fever reaction to some of the medications, et cetera. He was taking care of me, and I mean, I was not letting that baby out of my sight or out of my arms, and so it worked out beautifully, and frankly, it still does.

Dr. Becky 16:05 Hmm.

Morgan Radford 16:05 It still does.

Dr. Becky 16:06 Yeah. Yeah. So let's come back to those, you know... I, I think your... The very, very direct guidance people need to hear, make those appointments, and it sounds like you lived through something very real and visceral in your body that now has led to that guidance, but in the moment was just an experience you were in.

Morgan Radford 16:27 It was disorienting.

Dr. Becky 16:28 Can you, can you, can you share a little bit more about that?

Morgan Radford 16:31 I mean, I think it's-

Dr. Becky 16:31 Like, what, what happened? What was it?

Morgan Radford 16:32 I, I had an allergic reaction to... You know that they give you those pads-

Dr. Becky 16:36 Yeah

Morgan Radford 16:36 ... right, in the hospital 'cause you're... I mean, you're split open, right, physically. Um-

Dr. Becky 16:41 And I just want... Just, just... P- people, people need to know this. No, you're not in trouble.

Morgan Radford 16:44 Yeah. Okay. I was like, "Well, are we allowed to say that?"

Dr. Becky 16:47 No, no, no.

Morgan Radford 16:47 Yeah.

Dr. Becky 16:47 We are allowed to say anything that's true.

Morgan Radford 16:49 Yeah.

Dr. Becky 16:50 Okay?

Morgan Radford 16:50 Yeah. And your, your body is... It doesn't feel like yours, right?

Dr. Becky 16:54 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 16:54 And you begin to, to experience tickles of that during pregnancy, right?

Dr. Becky 16:58 Yes, yes.

Morgan Radford 16:58 When your body changes and expands and, you know, contracts and does all these things, um, that you didn't know it, it could even do. And, and that moment of giving birth, I mean, you are... It's odd because you're looking at your body, which still looks nine months pregnant, and there's no baby inside anymore, and it burns to use the bathroom. Like, when I was told... I was only told two weeks before I went into the hospital by a friend, happenstance, that I needed diapers. No one told me, and I remember being like, "Wait. Diaper- diapers?" She said, "Yeah, you'll need diapers. They're easier than pads. You just need diapers, like adult diapers." Just the idea that I would need a, an adult diaper-

Dr. Becky 17:37 No, no, no, but you're like, "But how will they get to Thailand?"

Morgan Radford 17:39 Literally. [laughs] I'm on an elephant, girl-

Dr. Becky 17:42 A bag of diapers

Morgan Radford 17:42 ... in a week, okay? [laughs] I'm gonna be on an elephant in White Sands in a week.

Dr. Becky 17:46 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 17:47 Um, yeah. And so I think that was disorienting, but I also had these pads and I, I-

Dr. Becky 17:51 Mm-hmm

Morgan Radford 17:51 ... some... This, ironically, the same friend said, "Hey, get this brand of pad. It has eucalyptus in it-

Dr. Becky 17:56 Hmm

Morgan Radford 17:56 ... and it's cooling." Well, I had this insane allergic reaction to the eucalyptus, and I'm not allergic to anything. Like, I'm allergic to nothing on Planet Earth. I eat all the things. I love all the things. Thailand, okay?

Dr. Becky 18:09 Right.

Morgan Radford 18:09 But this was horrible. Um, and so I had this allergic reaction that, imagine at your body's most vulnerable time, your most vulnerable time, but physically you are at your most vulnerable. It was- The most painful physical experience. My husband went on Amazon and looked at the reviews for these-

Dr. Becky 18:29 Yeah

Morgan Radford 18:29 ... this product, and then the only ones that had one-star reviews were like, "Oh my God, it's the worst," you know, reactions. The eucalyptus they use and whatever. Anyway, so I tell people not to, to buy those. But it was really painful and it was really disorienting at the time when I'm like, you know, haven't slept.

Dr. Becky 18:44 Was this day one?

Morgan Radford 18:45 This was day zero.

Dr. Becky 18:46 Day zero. So-

Morgan Radford 18:46 Like, this is, baby is out and I've taken my first pee with my adult diaper and eucalyptus pad. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Becky 18:54 And it's pain. It's not just, like, red. It's burning.

Morgan Radford 18:57 It's burn. It's pain. It's... And I had to lean into the sisterhood because guess who didn't have an appointment pre-scheduled? Okay. And so as this went, progressed further as, like, the first week, you asked, the first week and a half-

Dr. Becky 19:09 Yeah

Morgan Radford 19:09 ... I called a friend's sister, God bless her, who was an OBGYN, and I just sent her, like, pictures of my body.

Dr. Becky 19:15 Yes.

Morgan Radford 19:15 Like, "I am in it, girl. I need help." [laughs] And bless her heart, she, she helped me. But it was, it was-

Dr. Becky 19:21 Oh

Morgan Radford 19:21 ... cobbling together care when I needed it most.

Dr. Becky 19:24 But I'm just thinking, slowing that down, right? I think, I think we do think about this moment of giving birth, and, and we think about a part of it. [laughs] Like, we think about... It sounds obvious, but we think about the having of the baby, and this baby's gonna come out of me in some way, and then I'm gonna be holding the baby. Or if we're having a baby and we're not pregnant, there's another way. We're like, "Okay, there's gonna be this moment," right? We think about that moment. That moment comes because something major is happening-

Morgan Radford 19:51 Yeah

Dr. Becky 19:51 ... in your body. Your baby, and this is obvious, but I do feel like it matters to say, your ba- baby is coming out of your vagina.

Morgan Radford 19:58 Yeah.

Dr. Becky 19:58 Okay? Or you're having a C-section.

Morgan Radford 20:00 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky 20:00 Okay? Either way, I know maybe they're not both surgeries, but this is... I, I, I mean, the, the physics of that-

Morgan Radford 20:09 It's transformative

Dr. Becky 20:10 ... yes, and is, is a lot for your body to take, okay? Like, this is a major physical and painful experience.

Morgan Radford 20:18 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky 20:18 And then for you, on top of that, I just had a baby. I'm holding a baby. I'm in pain, like anyone would be from, you know, my baby coming out of my vagina.

Morgan Radford 20:28 Yeah.

Dr. Becky 20:29 Now I have an allergic reaction on top of it.

Morgan Radford 20:32 At the sor- at the scene of a crime.

Dr. Becky 20:34 At the scene-

Morgan Radford 20:35 At the scene of a crime

Dr. Becky 20:35 ... of the crime.

Morgan Radford 20:36 [laughs] Like, yellow caution tape. It's not great. Do not recommend.

Dr. Becky 20:41 How, how-

Morgan Radford 20:43 Would love to have unsubscribed.

Dr. Becky 20:44 Yes, 100%-

Morgan Radford 20:45 Yes. Yes

Dr. Becky 20:45 ... that button-

Morgan Radford 20:46 From that, from that specific experience

Dr. Becky 20:47 ... was not there.

Morgan Radford 20:48 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Becky 20:48 What was it like to hold her during that?

Morgan Radford 20:59 I just remember the first time I put her on my chest, 'cause she had cried, you know, when she was coming out, and I put her on my chest, and she immediately stops crying. And I just looked at my husband and I said, "She knows me. She already knows me." And that was just one of the most-

Dr. Becky 21:22 Mm

Morgan Radford 21:22 ... profound ex- She knows me, and guess what? She still knows me. I think we are so connected and bonded in this way.

Dr. Becky 21:32 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 21:32 And, and I think the first sign of that bond was her visceral, intimate knowledge of who I was and who I was to her.

Dr. Becky 21:41 Mm. So powerful. I, I guess I'm also thinking about the power of that experience while your body feels, I don't know how you would say it, not like yours or just in screaming out in pain. It's a lot at once.

Morgan Radford 21:59 In that moment, I was too blissed out.

Dr. Becky 22:01 Wow. Yeah. Really.

Morgan Radford 22:02 Which is kind of the, like, metaphor for all this, right?

Dr. Becky 22:06 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 22:07 I mean, we do amazing things as mothers. We do amazing things-

Dr. Becky 22:11 True

Morgan Radford 22:11 ... as women.

Dr. Becky 22:12 We do.

Morgan Radford 22:13 Our bodies do amazing things-

Dr. Becky 22:14 Yeah

Morgan Radford 22:14 ... as women.

Dr. Becky 22:15 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 22:16 And yet, you have one moment like that, your kid knows who you are. Your kid spells their name with eight additional letters that don't even belong, and you, [laughs] you know, chuckle and you, you watch this human come into their own.

Dr. Becky 22:32 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 22:32 And then it all just...

Dr. Becky 22:33 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 22:34 It's our why.

Dr. Becky 22:35 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 22:35 It's answered.

Dr. Becky 22:37 You know, someone said... To me, you know, it's so easy to describe all the hard moments. It's so hard to put into words, like, those moments, the, the, the amazing moments. You know?

Morgan Radford 22:45 But that's also what no one told me. Like, I think about all the time-

Dr. Becky 22:47 Mm

Morgan Radford 22:47 ... like, I was, you know, this big waddling through-

Dr. Becky 22:50 Yeah

Morgan Radford 22:50 ... HomeGoods and, you know, people would stop and they'd be like, "Oh my God, you're never gonna sleep again, girl. You're never gonna sleep. Enjoy your sleep now."

Dr. Becky 22:59 Thanks for the advice.

Morgan Radford 22:59 Like, and it's like, yeah, okay, but no one ever told me how much fun it is. No one told me that part.

Dr. Becky 23:06 Yeah.

Morgan Radford 23:07 No one was like, you know, you think about, you cogitate and you think about all these ways that you could possibly get it wrong, that you could repeat cycles that you wanted to break, that you could, you know, s- whatever. Nobody told me that your body would not feel like yours for a long time. Nobody told me that that disorienting feeling was only temporary.

Dr. Becky 23:27 Mm.

Morgan Radford 23:28 Nobody told me not to panic, because this too shall pass. Um, yeah, I mean, that's what I think about when I think about the physicality-

Dr. Becky 23:39 Yeah

Morgan Radford 23:39 ... of childbirth. No one ever asked the question, "But what if you get it right?"

Dr. Becky 23:44 Aw.

Morgan Radford 23:46 It is... Being Lana's mother is the single most healing thing I have ever done in my life.

Dr. Becky 23:55 Were you hard on yourself during that time? Like, I think about what you said about your mind and being able to take you places. Like, did you try mind over matter, I'm gonna figure this out? Did you fight? Did you try things that used to work in the past and maybe didn't? Or what was your approach to it?

Morgan Radford 24:10 That was actually one of the hardest parts, and maybe something else that I wish I had been told. I didn't know that, like, pregnancy brain was a thing. Literally, m- my best guy friend's husband-

Dr. Becky 24:25 Mm-hmm

Morgan Radford 24:25 ... told me that was a thing.

Dr. Becky 24:27 It took a gay man with no children to tell me, "Girl, the reason you are not recalling these words," and because we speak in Spanish and English, what was happening was I couldn't recall certain words- Ah ... when we would be having a conversation, and I'm like, "Pero pasame esto, este, esta. Que cosa es?" You know, I just couldn't, I couldn't pull it. Yeah. And, and, and I would start thinking, like, words in English were synony- like, it was... And as a news anchor. Yeah. Oye. Can you imagine? The first time that happened to me, I'll never forget. I was on air, and I was reading a script, and I was talking about, like, airport security or something, and I was trying to say luggage. And I could not find the word for the life of me, of luggage, and out of my mouth comes, "Yeah, and then he brought his maleta," which is, like, how you say suitcase in Spanish. And I, I just, I couldn't find the other word. And then, like, the brain fog, you know? From someone who has completely relied on my mind to get me into spaces and institutions that weren't even built with me in mind- Yes ... it was incredibly disorienting- Yes ... to not be able to have my mind and its sharpness- Yes ... to rely upon. And, and I think that goes back to what we started with. Like, I don't... One of the themes, and there's so many examples, that I feel like nobody told me, is that so many of the things that were my strengths and a part of my identity would almost become a vulnerability for being harsh on myself- Hmm ... after baby. Wait, say more. I like to get things done. Like, okay? Like- Yeah ... that's not gonna happen after a baby. I like to figure things out quickly. Like, yeah, you're struggling with, like, feeding or sleep. I can, like, do all the reading and all the information-seeking, like, there's another, there's a baby happening here. Yeah. Like, that's just not gonna happen. I, you know, I'm very productive, right? I remember thinking, and that's why I was curious if at the very beginning it felt almost boring, because I remember thinking, "This is weird. This is the most mind-numbing and challenging thing- [laughs] ... I've ever done." I've never done anything that's mind-numbing and challenging, and I've never thought that my best outcome of a day is my house looking 80% as good as it did when I started. Like, I like to- No, 80%'s great ... that's what I'm saying, but- Wow ... but for someone who likes to add to things and likes to check a lot of things off- Sure ... which, by the way, worked for me in every part of my life- Hmm ... I wish someone was like, "Oh, you're someone who's, likes to be really productive. Like, yeesh. Oh, boy. We're worried about people like you." Right, right. "Do you have any friends who aren't productive? You might wanna get some advice from them." I'm like, no, no, I think, no, no, they get advice from me, and they're like- I'm the advice giver ... "Not now." Yeah. Not, you know, like- Yeah ... and that's, and I think about a good friend of mine who's this, like, novelty seeker. Oh, in a minute, let's travel here, travel there. Yeah. She'll pull me along, but my first thought is like, but, but how can we get that done, right? Like, and so- Yeah ... but for her, she's like... I remember her saying, "I wish I was prepared for how monotonous and boring it felt in the beginning." Interesting. I am a novelty seeker, so I've always had more spontaneity, novelty. Here, I wish someone said to me- Sure ... "Your baby's gonna love that about you." And- Also ... for the first couple months, like, almost, I think about this phrase, knowing what I know about myself, I could almost predict what actually might be a challenge. And versus those things not being as available, and then we start telling ourselves the story, I've lost myself, or something's wrong with me, or, ah, is this my life now, right? [laughs] Like these things- Forever ... forever. Right. Exactly. But I think what it speaks to, which is just interesting, is, like, our kids need a lot of our attention, but our firsts have 100% of our gaze in a way that it's not always good for anyone. Mm. Right? Like, you are noticing to the day if they're rolling over. The moment. The moment, right? Like, I, uh... And so there's this balance. I think it's impossible with your first to not worry about some of those things- Yeah ... especially if you're someone who, I've put in a lot of effort, I'm kind of, done things- Yeah ... in a linear way. Yeah. Right? So even just to know that's gonna be on my mind. It's gonna stress you out, Becky, when you hear for your first that some other friend who had a baby the same day as you, their kid's rolling over and yours isn't. Like, you're gonna, your brain's gonna trick you into telling you a story that you're not even a good mom because of that. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Like, it happened, so what did I miss? And right? And so, yeah, I just wish I was prepared for those stories- Yeah ... 'cause I think if we're prepared for them to come, like, to be able to say like, "Oh, there's that thing Morgan told me would happen." Yeah. It just, it- Or the comparison. Yes. I remember my mom saying, when I told her about the, the audiologist visit, she's like, "Why are you taking her to an audiologist?" I said, "Well, I met this kid who was born the same week, and it was like a five-word sentence in English." And my mom's like, "Dude, chill." And she said, "Welcome to motherhood, the land of useless comparison." Ugh. [laughs] And I was like- Oh, my goodness ... you know? That is so true. That is so true. Ugh. Mm. I wish that was the name of the podcast. [laughs] Welcome to Parenthood. The land of useless comparison. [laughs] The world... I mean, I guess that's the world. Oh, it is. The world is full of- And now with social media- Right? ... of course. Yeah. Really true. Oh, for sure. So you wrote a whole novel- I did ... on, as

Dr. Becky 29:29 a new parent. Tell me about it. I did. I think my world exploded. I, I was listening to you talk about productivity. I have become infinitely more productive since becoming a mom, but I've become infinitely more creative. Mm-hmm. And I think that was a s- unlocking of sorts that I completely did not expect, and has been really the joy of my life. Yeah. And it's been, it's fulfilled sort of that novelty-seeking part of me. Interesting. Say more. It's the thrill of doing and trying something new and learning a whole new industry. I remember being, um, in LA for a meeting, and then my dad and I were, like, biking down Santa Monica, and I was like, "Dad, I never wanna lose this feeling." He's like, "What?" I was like, "Of newness, of learning something new." I hope that no matter how old I get, I still get the adrenaline of trying something- Mm ... new. And, and that's what the book was. I, you know, I left this experience when I was

Morgan Radford 30:28 The, the year I was married, three months after I got married, this guy from college who I'd had this, like, amorous relationship with, um, reached out on LinkedIn. I didn't even know I had LinkedIn. And the subject line was like, "Now then, would you fancy a cup of coffee?" And I looked at my husband, we were in Miami, and I was like, "Hey, do you mind if I... You know, it's just a guy from college. You know, do you mind if I..." He's like, "Sure, sure, no problem." My husband and I met in college. And, um, I met him, and it was the first time I'd seen him in 12 years. But I remember walking away thinking, "You know, if I ever had a story inside me, if there was ever a drama, a rom-com, a something, this would be it." Because I think as women, we don't often get permission or give ourselves permission to acknowledge the multiplicity of lives within us, right? Just because we're moms or wives or partners or whatever doesn't mean that the versions of us that existed before, to your first question, cease to exist.

Dr. Becky 31:23 Exactly, right.

Morgan Radford 31:24 Right? And so how do we live and remember-

Dr. Becky 31:26 Mm

Morgan Radford 31:26 ... and keep alive and maintain all the different versions?

Dr. Becky 31:30 Yeah. [gentle music] There's so much that's sitting with me after talking with Morgan. I'm thinking a lot about how so few people feel prepared for the physical pain that happens with or without an allergic reaction to a product they're using after having a child. That is real. And if 99% of your thoughts after having a baby are about your body, you would tell a friend that that makes sense given you just went through a major surgery or major vaginal delivery in your body. I'm also just thinking about how hard it is to remember that a hard stage is temporary, and that there'll be another side. And I know it's always been hard for me to remember that in those hardest moments, so maybe the most realistic thing is just to tell you that if you're in a really hard moment and it feels like it's gonna be forever, I am holding hope for you that it's temporary and that there will be an end. I know with 100% conviction that's true, and I'll hold that until you can take some of that back. Your story may look different. Your hard probably sounds different. But I want you to know it's real and it counts. We are all moving through this in our own home, in our own hours, and we're not doing it alone. If you have a story you'd like to share with other parents or parents-to-be, we'd love to hear from you. It's such an honor. You can reach us at podcast@goodinside.com. And if you're looking for more support at this time in your journey, I'm thinking about something that Morgan said, "Sign up for support before you need it." It is the most empowering and grounding thing when those hard moments come to say, "I know exactly where to go." That's one of the reasons why we built Good Inside Membership. It's an app, so it's in your pocket. Whether it's lactation or feeding support or baby sleep support or a different type of tracking or honestly support for you and your partnership, we do all of it, and we're there for you in the very moment you need it. You can find the link in the show notes, and maybe just go check it out. It's really helpful to know about. Let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground. Place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I believe in you. You've got this. And I'll see you next time. [gentle music]