Jay Shetty Podcast#1 Brain Neuroscientist: "This Will DELETE Your Old Self!" - How To Manifest Anything You Want
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
100 min read · 19,540 words- 0:00 – 1:00
Intro
- JSJay Shetty
[instrumental music] If someone was to listen to our conversation today and apply the things you have to say, how would their life change?
- EMEmily McDonald
I'd like to say that it can and will change in every single aspect that you apply it to. I think that... And, you know, actually, one of my students in Mindcraft, she joined a few months ago, and she, I asked her, I said, "What do, w- in which ways do you think that your life has changed since joining?" And she said every single aspect of her life has changed. And I think that the principles that I teach and I coach on and that I practice, I think they
- 1:00 – 2:39
Relationships Begin with Intention
- EMEmily McDonald
really can be applied to every single area of your life. So yeah, I think it just depends on you and what you choose and what you intend, right? So it's all about intention there, and it's like if you want to apply it to relationships, you can. Um, but also just being more in control of your brain. I like to make the analogy of if you are driving a car down the road and you don't know how that car works, if it breaks down, you don't know how to fix it, you'll be stuck there, right? And I'm, I have a story of, like, my car breaking down. My brother, luckily, is a mechanical engineer.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, [laughs] and he, I called him, he's like, "Oh, pour water in this one little hole," whatever. And I could be on my merry way, right? I got home safely. But if you, if you don't know how... And the brain works the same way, right? So let's say you're stressed out, or you are overwhelmed, or you're struggling to focus or whatever it is. If you don't know how your brain works, you might be stuck. But when you know how your brain works, you can then use that knowledge and apply it to whatever area you're really struggling with. So that I think that it really can be applied to many different areas of your life, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I love that analogy. I've, I've had many a time in my life a car that's broken down on me, not been a mechanical engineer-
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... and pushed my car up a hill. And that's what it sometimes feels like for people. I feel like people feel that they're fighting against their brain. They're breaking down their mind. They're trying to push forward, and they just feel stuck. I feel like so many people listening right now feel stuck in their job. They feel stuck in a bad relationship. They feel stuck looking for a career. If someone feels stuck, what do they need to understand about the brain in order to start the process to
- 2:39 – 5:42
When Your Identity Keeps You Stuck
- JSJay Shetty
get unstuck?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. So I think that feeling of being stuck, it's really quite natural when you think about neuroscience and your biology. The brain loves to keep you in what is safe and normal to you. Um, the brain is also, I like to call it a prediction machine. So we don't necessarily experience reality. We experience, you know, our brain sort of filtering everything we see, hear, feel, touch, but also predicting what's about to happen. And that's why a lot of times, you know, we feel, like, anxious or whatever it is. It has to do with, um, the brain's predicting kind of something that's upcoming. And so I think that feeling of being stuck is quite normal and natural, and I just wanna say that first. But also understanding which area you're stuck in, right? And I- I'm gonna take it an interesting direction right now, but I like to talk about procrastination because it's a good example of feeling stuck, right? So if you are a pr- you, let's say you have a goal, and you're, like, ha- like, starting a podcast. [laughs] And you're like, "Okay, I wanna do it," and then you're procrastinating it, right? So I always say that there are three reasons why people procrastinate. And the first reason is there's an identity sort of mismatch. And what I mean by that is that you don't, y- like, who, your sense of self and who you believe that you are doesn't match with you working toward the goal of launching a podcast. Um, and this actually kind of resonated with me personally. Whenever I was ch- starting to write a book, I was procrastinating writing my book, and I was like, "Why am I doing this? I know it's a goal. I know I wanna do it, but I don't know why I'm procrastinating." Um, and the default mode network in the brain is really what's at play here. So the default mode network is really appropriately named because it kind of helps to regulate and propel our default mode of behavior, right? So it's responsible for our default mode of being and doing. Um, but it's also responsible for our sense of self and constructing the narrative or the story of our lives. And so if your sense of self doesn't match, if your identity doesn't match whatever it is that you're trying to do, then your default mode network is not really gonna be helping you do the behaviors or take the action toward doing, starting a podcast. And so I always tell my clients, I tell my students, I tell everyone on social media, [laughs] I'm like, "Just identity shift," you know? Like, sw- shift your identity. You can just start to identify as the version of you who has done the thing. And so that's kind of the first part of that. And then the second-
- JSJay Shetty
Let's talk, let's talk about that first one.
- EMEmily McDonald
Okay. [laughs] Yeah, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That's so interesting. That's so interesting, and I love the way you broke down the default mode network because this identity mismatch that you're talking about, are you saying that if you don't... I know you've said something which I love. You said, "Science says you have to act like you already have it-
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... before something can happen."
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Is that what you're saying? That you've gotta feel like I'm already a author, I'm already a podcaster? How does someone practically apply that identity to make sure it's aligned?
- EMEmily McDonald
Right. So it's really just choosing to identify as that person, right? And so when I say that you have to act
- 5:42 – 8:17
The Power of the Labels You Use
- EMEmily McDonald
like you already have it or you, like you already are it in order to do it or be it, it works the same way. The analogy I use there is falling asleep at night. Like, when you fall asleep at night, you lay down, you close your eyes, you slow your breath, and you pretend like you're asleep until you fall asleep, and your brain makes it so. Um, and life works that way as well. And you have to, you have to act like it and move like it, right? Like, you're not gonna become a drummer in a band unless you act like a drummer, and drummers practice. And so it's sort of like-And, and so how do I apply that, like, practically? I guess from my book example, I really just decided I'm an author. Like, from this moment forward, I'm an author. And I think a lot of times we don't realize the power that we have to choose those sorts of things. And this is another reason why I tell people to be so careful about the labels that they use to identify themselves and the labels that they put on themselves. And growing up in my own life, I had so many different labels put onto me, um, that I believed and just kind of allowed to describe who I was, and that impacted my life, it impacted my health, it impacted everything in my world. And so it's one of the reasons why I'm so passionate about it. But yeah, and so applying that practically, a lot of times it really just looks like choosing to identify as that version of you. Um, like if I'm trying to start a podcast, I am a podcaster, and there I am doing it, right?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. And it's almost like how does an author behave, and let me start practicing that now.
- EMEmily McDonald
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
So an author gets up and writes a page even when they don't feel inspired because that's how they get, for example.
- EMEmily McDonald
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
Or like a podcaster sits down and you just start interviewing the people that are available until you're able to book the guest that you really want to speak to.
- EMEmily McDonald
Right. Exactly. E- exactly. And when that happens, when you choose, when you write a new... What, what happens then is that you're writing a new story, and your brain kind of stops using your past to predict your future, and it kind of starts to take the present moment and your new identity that you are choosing to help predict your future behavior. Um, and so it's super powerful.
- JSJay Shetty
I love that. All right, what's the second? That was great. Yeah.
- EMEmily McDonald
Okay. So the second reason why most people procrastinate is fear. Um, a l- a lot of times we are actually subconsciously afraid of success, and I think this is a big reason why a lot of people stay stuck, is that we are actually subconsciously afraid of what it might look like if we succeed at doing it.
- JSJay Shetty
Interesting.
- EMEmily McDonald
And for me personally, so I'm actually about to launch a podcast. Um, by the time this episode comes out, it may or may not be already launched. But, um, when I... Again, I was procrastinating filming my podcast, and me being me, I sit down and I analyze my mind. I'm like, "Why am I procrastinating starting
- 8:17 – 10:08
Are You Afraid of Being Seen?
- EMEmily McDonald
to film this podcast?" And what I found was that I was subconsciously afraid of being seen in sort of a more vulnerable way. Because long form content is a lot more vulnerable than a one-minute reel on Instagram. Like, you're not really you in that short of a period of time. Um, but in long form content, people can really see you. And so that was sort of the fear that I uncovered for myself. Um, but yeah, and I think this is a- another reason why I tell people all the time, like, a lot, a lot of people say, "Get specific about your goals," but I also say, "Get specific about your fears."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- EMEmily McDonald
Because your fears, they can have control over you when you don't know what they are. But when you identify them, labeling them, well, that activates the prefrontal cortex. And the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, they sort of have this kind of seesaw relationship where when one activity, activity in one goes up, activity in the other goes down. And so when you label your emotions, you label the fears that you have, you're actually giving yourself your power back. You're activating the prefrontal cortex, which is the CEO of your brain. It's sort of the boss of your brain. Um, and so kind of getting specific about your fears, I would say is the way to overcome that version of stuckness, and I think that's a really powerful, um, activity to do if somebody were feeling stuck.
- JSJay Shetty
How did you get so specific and define your own fear? I love that you shared what you were worried about and this whole idea that people are scared of success.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
How did you come upon that? Like, what process did it take? What reflection did you do? How did you identify them? I love what you said about identifying your goals is important, but actually knowing your fears is equally as important, if not more. How do you do that?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. So I think for me, I have this saying called take it all the way to the end. And so allow yourself to go on the journey or the path all the way to the end.
- 10:08 – 12:12
Label the Fears Holding You Back
- EMEmily McDonald
And so I sat down and I was like, "Okay, if I go and I film this podcast, my goal is to have a top podcast in the world," right? [laughs] "So if I'm having a top podcast in the world, what might that look like? Oh, that means that I'm setting myself up to be seen more, and maybe have more hate, and maybe have more criticism and judgment and all that." And just seeing myself write that down, I was like, "Okay, well, if my brain is highlighting that as, 'Oh, if you go and start a podcast, you're gonna have more hate and face more criticism,' then it might try to keep me safe from that." And that's really what that is, is your brain is just trying to keep you safe. And so that's why identifying your fears can be so powerful. And so yeah, I would say if you're trying to identify what your fears are, I would just take the goal, whatever it is that you're trying to do, all the way to the end. Like, if it's the top podcast or if it's the best-selling book or if it's your business or even a relationship, right? Like, a lot of people in relationships, like, you're afraid of relying on someone or being dependent on someone or really fully being open and vulnerable with someone. And honestly, just identifying that is the first step and getting super clear on that. Because when you get clear on that, then you can rewrite the story of exactly like you said, yes, it's true, being more vulnerable and being seen might equal more judgment or criticism, but it might also equal, and to the same extent if not more, more love and more support. So, um, and you have to identify it first to give yourself, um, the chance to even rewrite that fear.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I love the idea of take it all the way to the end. That's a great one. It's a, it's a great way of actually getting really clear on-Exactly what's tripping you up
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
And I love what you just said there, that actually when you come up with it, you realize your brain was just trying to keep you safe.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
It was actually just trying to help you because it was scared of that. It wasn't that you weren't good enough, or it wasn't that you weren't smart enough, or it wasn't that you can't develop the skills. It was just trying to keep you safe.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. And I think when, when we think about our brain trying to keep us safe, that, and that's a really big reason why the brain tries to keep us kind of in our comfort zone, right? But it's super important
- 12:12 – 13:48
Play Out Every Fear to the End
- EMEmily McDonald
to recognize and acknowledge that any sort of growth happens outside of our comfort zones. Like, I would not be in the position where I am today if I didn't take delusional level risks and leaps of faith. Um, and so it's really a requirement to achieving or receiving or having whatever it is that we want. And so yeah, getting really clear on our fears and taking it all the way... I- take it all the way to the end applies to that. It also applies to limiting beliefs as well. Like, take it all the way to the end. Uh, see what comes up for you. Um, and also, yeah, I think I... 'Cause I've had students, I had a specific student ask me, she was struggling with, um, sand volleyball, beach volleyball, and she was like, "I have this fear." And I was like, "Take it all the way to the end. Visualize it maybe." You know, I don't think I've ever heard anyone tell people, like, "Visualize your fears," but if it's safe for you and you're not gonna, like- [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- EMEmily McDonald
... um, like, have any sort of physical reaction, like, visualize it and see what comes up for you and see, like, what is it really that you're afraid of, and then you can give yourself the chance to kind of rewrite that story.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. What's number three?
- EMEmily McDonald
Okay. So we've got, there's an identity mismatch, or there's maybe some underlying fear behind it, and then number three is really more of a scientific, [laughs] kind of simple, straightforward thing, and it's cheap dopamine. Uh, it's everywhere, and society sort of, a, there, it's everywhere. Cheap dopamine, social media, um, it's all over the place, in, like, fast food, binging T- Netflix, whatever it is. Um, that's, that's number three, is cheap dopamine, and it's, it's really, it's a dr- dopamine, I always say, like, dopamine doesn't care about your dreams. Uh, dopamine [laughs] just cares about what you automate and what you repeat. Um, and so it's
- 13:48 – 17:31
Stop Chasing Cheap Dopamine!
- EMEmily McDonald
gonna keep you doing that. And also, when it comes to cheap dopamine, if you're giving yourself a lot of that, then you're not really... And one of the big things that I do to help kind of motivate myself to doing things is withholding reward. And so whenever I was in the PhD, I studied drug addiction, and so a lot of dopamine research, um, and studying kind of the dopamine pathways, but also drug addiction's really just maladaptive habit formation. And so when I, when I think about kind of cheap dopamine and, and habit formation and, and behavior, um, because dopamine drives a lot of behavior, one of the things that I do to kind of motivate myself is just withhold whatever reward that I'm wanting. So let's say I, I saw it online, or I was shopping or whatever, and I saw a shirt that I wanted. Um, I, I wouldn't allow myself to buy it, or a candle, or whatever it is. I wouldn't allow myself to buy it until after I do the task that, that I'm maybe procrastinating or feeling stuck doing. And so if someone's out there right now and you're procrastinating or feeling stuck, um, starting a business or going after a job or dating in a relationship or whatever it is, and you're regularly giving yourself sort of cheap dopamine or, you know, allowing yourself to just, like, have whatever reward it is, and you just give it to yourself all the time, um, then you're not really setting yourself up for success because you're giving yourself, your, your brain is just, it's well fed on dopamine. And you can think of it sort of as the analogy of, like, snacking all day, right? So if you're snacking all day, you're never really gonna be hungry and to eat that whole meal. And so dopamine's kind of the same way. If you're, like, giving yourself those cheap dopamine hits, going on social media all day long, then you're never really gonna be driven to go complete that big task. Um, and that big task is gonna be a lot more rewarding than the small, repetitive cheap dopamine, especially at night. So I wanna, I wanna highlight that because this is something newer that I've been talking about, and honestly, I discover all this, like, obviously I learned about neuroscience [laughs] in school. Um, but I, I discover a lot of the kind of hacks and stuff based on what I need and in my own life. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- EMEmily McDonald
And so I, I realized, you know, I was waking up with less motivation, waking up low on energy, and just not really feeling like normally, and I have, I have, most of the time I really do wake up and I jump outta bed and I'm, like, ready and so excited for the day, so I'm like, "What's, what's happening here?" Um, and what I actually realized was that, so dopamine actually resets itself and restores as you sleep. And so scrolling at nighttime or binge-watching Netflix or any of those things that give you cheap dopamine, and even eating s- late night snacks and all that, um, that actually, uh, well, one, it disrupts your sleep, and that keeps your dopamine system from restoring itself. But also, it, it desensitizes your dopamine receptors, so when you wake up in the morning, you're, for lack of a better, like, keep it simple, you're less sensitive to dopamine when you wake up in the morning-
- JSJay Shetty
Wow
- EMEmily McDonald
... when you give yourself cheap dopamine at night. Um, and so cheap dopamine is number three. It's a big reason why people stay stuck. Yeah, because if you're giving yourself snacks all day, you're never gonna be driven to cook a meal. If you're giving yourself cheap dopamine all day long, you're never gonna be driven to go do the big task that's gonna help you get closer to your dreams.
- JSJay Shetty
I love that. How do we convince ourself that the big task is going to be more fulfilling than the cheap, quick dopamine? Or what do we do with that? Because I think you're spot on that there are a million distractions today. It's easy to be caught down a wormhole. It's easy to binge a show, and you don't realize that actually building the thing you love or starting that business or investing in that relationship, whatever it is, will be so much more meaningful. What do we do with that? How do we get there?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. So I think-Two things. The first is get super specific about why you want that thing,
- 17:31 – 22:29
3 Ways to Naturally Boost Dopamine
- EMEmily McDonald
right? So if you don't really know why you want... And let's, um, I guess the big goal for this would be writing a book, because that takes so long. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- EMEmily McDonald
And it does not come easily or come quickly.
- JSJay Shetty
And it never gets easier.
- EMEmily McDonald
No. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
I'm on my third... I'm writing my third book right now. It does not get easier.
- EMEmily McDonald
No. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
It is not. I'll just tell everyone, it does not get easier.
- EMEmily McDonald
And, and it's, it's, you're in a, it's a marathon. It's not a sprint. Uh, they used to say that to me all the time in the PhD. It's a m- even though they wanted you to sprint the marathon. Um, and so I, I think for that, it's really understanding and being super clear about why you wanna do it, because motivation is not always gonna be there for you. Um, and that's where knowing your why... And I kind of have a different take on discipline, where I don't really think of, like, this hardcore sort of discipline sort of moment. I think of discipline as looking out for future you. And I think this is why it's super important for me whenever I am working with people, I, I ask them, you know, like, "Who do you wanna be?" Like, who... Like, when you imagine yourself, like, achieving the goals or whatever it is, like, it's not really about that. It's about who achieving those goals is gonna make you become. Um, and that's really what it's all about. Like, who are you feeling called to become? And getting super clear on who that is and why you wanna be that person. And so understanding your why and why you wanna do it, why do you wanna write the book, um, and that will keep you going and motivate you. Um, but also who that's gonna make you become. Like, I wanna be an author. Like, I wanna have a book published, and sometimes that's gonna motivate me a lot more than just thinking about publishing a book. [laughs] You know what I mean? I think that is sort of super important, is, is really knowing your why. Um, and then I think the other thing, it, when you're clear on that, when you're clear on who you wanna become and your why and your purpose for doing it, that's really the first half of it. And then the other half of it, I don't do the whole internal battle thing. Like, don't, I don't negotiate with myself. That's something that I don't do. And so I think trying to convince yourself that it's gonna be rewarding and gonna be better than scrolling on my phone, I don't think that we can really even do that. I don't think that that's something that I, I wouldn't recommend. I think in that scenario it would more be... And actually, like recently I was struggling with getting, filming content, and I called my friend who's still in the PhD. She's like my best friend. And I called her, and she's like, "Em, you're the one that would always tell me you need to, um, you need to withhold reward. Like, what do you want? Like, do you, do you want, like, a new outfit? [laughs] Like, what is it that you want?" Um, and then get that, get clear on, like, what it is that you want, and then don't give it to yourself until after the big thing has been accomplished.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- EMEmily McDonald
After you've done the thing that you wanna do. And that's how you start to train your brain that it's more rewarding. A dog doesn't learn to sit for free. I say that all the time. If you wanna teach a dog how to sit, you have to give your dog a treat, and then that treat boosts dopamine. That dopamine drives learning. And then when you learn it and it becomes a habit that you repeat, then it's just wired in and you're doing it. Um, and you don't have to think so much about it. And it's not about convincing yourself. It's just wired in. It's automatic behavior. And then another thing that I talk about a lot in my community and with- in, in the people that I coach is that take a moment after you do accomplish those things or you do... And it doesn't have to be some big goal that you're accomplishing either. It can maybe be even something small, like I said, creating content. Like, that's a stepping stone on the way. Um, and it can be just as simple as taking a moment to tell yourself, "Hey, I'm proud of you. Good job. You c- you accomplished that." Self-talk boosts dopamine. Like, self-affirmation boosts dopamine. It activates the reward centers in the brain. Um, I used to be... I didn't used to believe in affirmations. I used to think [laughs] they were woo-woo or whatever, and I'd, I was like, "No, what is that?" Um, but then, you know, I sort of went on my own journey, and then of course looked into the neuroscience of it, and it, they, it, they really are so powerful and, and not even necessarily an affirmation track or whatever it is, but speaking to yourself positively and kindly, it's so, so, so important. And making sure to take a moment to do that and acknowledge yourself when you are working toward the goals, because it's so easy to, you know, just be like, "Okay, like, I posted a video. Okay, all right, we're not necessarily at 10 million yet." [laughs] So, like, that's not, we're not there yet. Um, it's really easy to do that and get caught up in the big picture and not give yourself the pat on the back for the steps that you're taking along the way, and those are the little dopamine boosts that are gonna bu- build momentum, that are, that are gonna keep you going, um, and that are also gonna teach your brain that, "Oh, hey, this behavior, this action that we're taking is valuable and meaningful."
- JSJay Shetty
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- 22:29 – 25:22
The Power of Having Something to Look Forward To
- JSJay Shetty
Discover more at chase.com/sapphirereserve. What purchases do you think young people should delay if you're giving us-
- EMEmily McDonald
It doesn't have to be a purchase
- JSJay Shetty
... yeah
- EMEmily McDonald
It doesn't have to be a purchase.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- EMEmily McDonald
I, I'm using, this is personally for me, I like clothes.
- JSJay Shetty
Right, right, right.
- EMEmily McDonald
And so, like, for me, and then maybe it's even, um, going and, and planning. It can, it can be anything. Like, planning a reward for yourself, um, like going out to dinner, let's say, if you're a foodie. It really depends, so I'm not gonna sit here and tell people-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
... what's gonna boost their dopamine, because it's very highly individual.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, like, what, what is it that you want and like? But maybe you love going to the grocery store and buying these one box of cookies that you really like or, um, whatever it is. Maybe there's something... And also, it's good to switch it up. Like, if it's something that you haven't done for yourself in a while or, like, you, you, there's a dessert that you love that you only have on your birthday. It's like, okay, if I take the steps, if I sign up for this LLC and I get the logo done and I set up the website, I'm gonna go get that thing that I al- I get for my birthday and I'm gonna give it to myself now.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, I like that.
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, so it's just kind of really anything [laughs] that makes you... And I think also this is why I always talk about with, um-With people is to also have something to look forward to I think is super important. Whether it's just, like, a dinner. I, 'cause I found, and, and this is something I really learned through experience in college, in undergrad, but then of course now knowing the neuroscience of it, I would be so much more productive and study so much better when I had plans on Friday night.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
Uh, [laughs] and like, if you don't have any plans or anything to look forward to or, like, a, a reason to get stuff done quickly, then it's gonna be a lot harder. And also, like, dopamine is released in anticipation of a good thing happening. It's not just about reward. Um, it's also when you are anticipating something, like n- from my, like, kind of research studies, that was more tied to craving, right? But, um, in, in kind of our day-to-day lives, it's anticipation. Like, that's why when you're, when you're a little kid and it's the night before Christmas, like, you can't, you couldn't, you can't fall asleep at night 'cause you're excited. You're anticipating something. And actually, the day that, uh, we were supposed to close on our house, which was, like, two weeks ago, I woke up that morning feeling like a kid on Christmas.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, and I was like, I was looking into the neuroscience of it actually, 'cause I was like, "How do I activate this feeling more every single day?" Because it's a great feeling, and I was so productive. Um, but that was really a day of detachment because [laughs] we weren't sure whether or not it, we were gonna close that day. Um, and it was actually as soon as we decided, oh, no, it's not gonna happen today. We- we'll just drive home. Then we got the call, and it was like, "Oh, you're gonna get the keys."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
And I was like, "It's always when you let go." [laughs] So yeah, I think it depends on the person when it comes to what you should delay or what you should purchase. It doesn't even have to be a purchase. It can be any sort of rewarding thing. Like, actually, something that I've been doing, 'cause I have a mountain bike. I'm not, like, an avid mountain biker. [laughs] But I love nature, and I also have a RipStik. I love to RipStik, just, like, around my house or whatever it is. Um, and so I told myself the other day, actually, I was like, "I'm gonna film this content, and then afterward I'm gonna RipStik." And giving myself that sort of little reward of t- like, honestly, it's like playtime. Um, like, ign- giving myself that, it motivated
- 25:22 – 27:00
The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything
- EMEmily McDonald
me to go get it done that w- 'cause I had something to look forward to and a little reward afterward.
- JSJay Shetty
Absolutely. Well said. It definitely works.
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
It definitely works. I can think of so many moments in my life where that's exactly how I'm focusing on how to get the work done first, and then be able to play, break afterwards. And, and the biggest one for me from what you said that I think really is gonna make a difference for people is being kind to yourself in the process.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That, that grace that comes with that, and the ability to celebrate the small wins and the progress. Because if you're always measuring yourself up against a big goal, you could be waiting a long, long time.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, especially when you're writing a book.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
I mean, that, you just told me the cycle of when your book's gonna come out, and that's what it is. It takes, like, two, three years to put it together. Then it takes time for it to come out. Then you're promoting it. So the actual result of someone saying, "I love your book, and I got so much from it," is so far away-
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... that if that's what you're waiting for, it's gonna feel like forever.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yep. I actually had to switch. This is funny that you say that. Because when I first started, I was very motivated by having a bestselling book and writing this book. And quickly did I learn [laughs] that's not gonna last, and we're not gonna be able to push through on this. So I actually shifted from being motivated by kind of the result to, hey, actually, I just wanna be an author, and being an author is a reward in itself.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- EMEmily McDonald
And when I acknowledged that, then it became more rewarding to write the book and do the work.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- EMEmily McDonald
And so it was that shift, and I think that's also why it's so important to figure out who you wanna be and that identity, um, and who it's gonna make you. Because when you can start to kind of
- 27:00 – 31:29
Why Desperation Blocks Success
- EMEmily McDonald
identify as that, it's also very rewarding to embody it as well.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. You've said that desperately wanting something actually blocks you from getting it.
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Which applies to what you just said about your house.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
You were like, just that moment you let go, you were like, you got the call that you got your house. Why does desperately wanting something actually block it?
- EMEmily McDonald
When you are very attached to an outcome and you desperately want something, and it's to the point where it is kind of raising your stress levels and you are dependent on it or attached to the outcome, it boosts stress, and it boosts cortisol. And that actually narrows your perception and kind of, which gives you a sort of tunnel vision and actually blocks you from being able to perceive or be aware of alternate pathways, um, and alternate routes, which is, uh, one reason why it can block you from getting it. Because a lot of times, you know, we'll have a goal, and we have a, something that we want to accomplish. And I know for me personally, I had a goal, and I had to be very open to alternate pathways in my life.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, I had to be very open to, like, okay, and, and, you know, we'll, we're go- we'll go down the road, and maybe this road isn't it, and we'll take the, a different road. But being able to be open, um, to alternate pathways, that actually you're less able to do that, and you're less open-minded, and you have more of tunnel vision whenever you are kind of desperately attached to something. And also, whenever we are chronically stressed, I mean, that puts us in fight or flight. And when the nervous system's dysregulated, I mean, it becomes way harder to rewire your brain. Um, and I like to use the analogy of a kid in a classroom. Like, if you're a kid in a classroom and you are being bullied by every single student, it's gonna be really hard to pay attention to the teacher and actually learn what's being said. But if you feel safe in that classroom, the kid can actually feel safe to learn and pay attention to the teacher and absorb what's being said, and it works the same way in our lives. Like, if we're feeling stressed and anxious all the time, it's really gonna be difficult to be focused on whatever goal that we have. Um, and so that's another kind of piece of it. And then there's another piece of it, which is sort of this incubation effect in the brain. And I'm sure you've noticed that if you're sitting there and you're thinking about a problem or a challenge or you're wanting an answer to something, and you're, you can't necessarily think of the way of, of, uh, of the answer. Um, but then as soon as you walk away from it, then you go for a walk, or you're in the shower or whatever it is, all of a sudden the answer comes. And whatever you want it to say comes. That's the incubation effect. And our subconscious mind or, like, the other kind of areas in the brain can process a lot more information and make a lot more connections than our conscious mind can when we're sort of focusing on something.And so whenever we're desperately wanting something or attached to and we're thinking about it all the time, and we're kind of stopping that from happening, we're stopping the incubation effect to do its magic of sort of going to work behind the scenes and coming up with the answers. And so that's another reason why letting go can be so helpful and just... And that doesn't mean that you're not gonna work towards your goals. That doesn't mean that you're not gonna be focused on your goals. But it means that, you know, you, you work toward it and you worry about what, you worry about the inputs, and you worry about what you can do, but you sort of let go of the, the how and the when, and you just, and it also allows you to enjoy the journey [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- EMEmily McDonald
... which is, which is really important. Um, it all- and I think that's, if not, one of the, the most important things when it comes to all of it, is enjoying the journey. And I always say, you know, life is about the journey. If it were about the destination, it would be called death. Um, it's about the journey. And so enjoying the journey is super important. And when you're desperately attached to something, especially, you know, when it's a long-term sort of situation, you're gonna be, you're, you're withholding reward, and you're withholding feeling proud of yourself and feeling accomplished for a long time, and I don't think that anybody should really live that way either.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, it can be, you can torment yourself.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah, exactly.
- JSJay Shetty
You can torture yourself if you do it. And it can lead to greatness, but at what cost?
- EMEmily McDonald
Right. It c- absolutely can. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- EMEmily McDonald
But I, I, and knowing myself, and I think that that's a very important piece of this, and knowing myself is that one of my top values is joy-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm
- EMEmily McDonald
... um, and, and being able to enjoy my life and enjoy the journey of my life. Um, and so for me, yeah, I think remembering to enjoy the journey. But also I've found that I do s- so much better in my work and creative process when I am in my joy.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, and so I think that joy isn't necessarily, um, like a, a break or a, like an additional reward, but it also is sort of a necessity if we want our brain to be in its most optimized state. Because tons of studies show that play and being in your joy, it actually boosts creativity. It, it also boosts longevity and, um, our immune system
- 31:29 – 32:56
Discovering Your Deepest Core Value
- EMEmily McDonald
function and all of the things, so it's really good for our physical health as well as our mental health.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You've reminded me of two things. One thing I always say to people is, "You'll get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagine it." The idea that you're going in the direction, but the, the path it's gonna take is gonna be totally different.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And so what you want may even change if you're moving at the pace you wanna go. And one of the things, I love that you said your value is joy. One of my values, deep values, is love.
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And I always say to myself, I always wanna move at the pace of love.
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
I wanna move as fast as I can while still loving it.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Because if I start hating it, then it's not worth it, even if I move three times the speed that I'm at right now.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Because I wanna move at the pace of love. I wanna move at a pace that I'm in love with myself, I'm in love with what I'm doing, and I'm love, in love with what I'm serving, rather than I'm moving really, really fast. We're getting there, but I actually hate it and I'm upset at myself.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. I think it's super important to know and in Mindcraft from the very beginning, I have people get to know themselves and, and their key values because in my business, actually, like working in business, um, I've had kind of, I don't wanna use the word standoffs, but situations where I've had to bring up... And so my, what I have mine broken down into three parts, and one of the parts is to be, to have love and joy. Um, and for me, it's the exact same way. It's like, yes, we could do all of this, and we could move at this speed, and we could, um, but at, at the cost of my lo- at, at the cost of feeling love
- 32:56 – 39:41
The Power of Understanding Your Own Brain
- EMEmily McDonald
and joy, it's not worth it to me. And so I completely resonate with that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. What, what is the number one thing people are coming to you in Mindcraft, in your community, for coaching? What's the number one thing you're seeing amongst young people?
- EMEmily McDonald
Mindcraft is a pretty wide range. I would say it's from like 20s up till 60s.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- EMEmily McDonald
So [laughs] we've got a pretty wide range of people, and so the, I would say the reasons why people come into Mindcraft are pretty variable. Um, but I think, I like that you asked the question about people feeling stuck because I think that that's a big reason why people-
- JSJay Shetty
Okay
- EMEmily McDonald
... do come to Mindcraft and, and understanding kind of the neuroscience of, of reality and how life works and how, how the brain builds reality is sort of, um, an eye-opener. It was an eye-opener for me. It's an eye-opener for a lot of people, but then also seeing how your brain is really, like, directing you, and then directing how you feel and your actions and all that. And so I think a big reason is that people do feel stuck, and they want... They, and also, I mean, just, I got to meet with some people in Mindcraft in person recently, and one person said that he joined because he wanted to find purpose in his life, um, and, and connect, um, more deeply with his spiritual, his spirituality. And he found that, and not only did he find his purpose, but he actually just launched a nonprofit-
- JSJay Shetty
Wow
- EMEmily McDonald
... which is super cool. Yeah. A lot of people, surprisingly, and I guess surprisingly or not, I don't really know what I was expecting when I started Mindcraft. I just sort of started it, um, because I wanted to give people everything that helped me get to where I am in, in a, in one place. Um, but I, I've found that a lot of people end up quitting their 9:00 to 5:00 jobs and starting their own thing, and not that... And, you know, of course there are people who love their 9:00 to 5:00 jobs, and they're in them. But surprisingly, a lot of people do, um, s- embark on that journey. And I, so I think it, a lot of people join because they wanna really find what lights them up and, and that, what calls to them. And I think that when you, when you figure out who you are on a super deep level, and you then figure out how your brain works, and you understand all the little kind of nuances of, of focus and stress and anxiety and nervous system regulation, and of course, like, identity and, um, your sense of self and how all that works, then you kind of have this sort of freedom-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm
- EMEmily McDonald
... to go and create the life that you really want.
- JSJay Shetty
What's your take on manifestation?
- EMEmily McDonald
I 100,000% believe in manifestation. [laughs] I-
- JSJay Shetty
What version? Walk me through yours
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... your-
- EMEmily McDonald
So I think a lot of people don't believe in manifestation because they think that it's this thing where you just sit down and think until it pops up into your reality, and I don't really, I don't really see it that way. So I guess my take on manifestation... is really sort of just understanding the neuroscience of reality and how the brain works. There's actually a really cool study, so I'll, I'll tell you about this study.
- JSJay Shetty
Please.
- EMEmily McDonald
This study actually is really greatly explains how manifestation works, at least in my eyes. So there's a study done in the 1970s where they took kittens, and they raised one group of kittens. They, they, they raised them all in complete darkness. Um, they took one group of kittens, and they showed them only horizontal lines, horizontal black and white lines. So they were, they're raised mostly in complete darkness except for a few hours a day where they're shown only horizontal black and white lines. And then a different group was shown only vertical black and white lines. They allowed their brains to develop through, you know, their adolescence. And then when they were, their brains were more developed, their visual systems were developed, they put them in a normal environment with chairs and tables and all the things. And what they found was that the kittens that were raised to only see horizontal lines, they couldn't see vertical objects. They would bump into table legs and chair legs because their brains weren't programmed or wired to see them. The brain develops in, in a way that helps us survive in our environment that we grew up in. And so the, the kittens that could only see the vertical lines as they were raised, they could see. They would weave in and out of table legs and, and chair legs and all that. But they wouldn't jump up, up onto tabletops or, you know, chairs to perch the way that the kittens that were raised to see horizontal lines would. And so I think that, you know, that study kind of really showed me that if, if the way the kittens were raised kind of determined what they could then see or perceive in their reality, like, what am I missing in my life because of the way that my brain is w- is wired and the way that I was programmed by my environment? And I think that's where sort of certain activities like shadow work kind of come in, um, but recognizing that you really can only see in your reality what your brain is wired for. And so that job, that relationship, that thing that you're trying to manifest or create into your life, um, you ... It might be right in front of you, but you're missing it because your brain is not programmed to see it or construct it, right? Um, and it's super cool because there was someone, um, who came to my master class. I host free master classes. And he ca- he said he had been searching for a job for two years, and two weeks after the master class, he got his dream job. And to me, it's just, it's a really cool example but also a real- like, when you wire your brain to m- become a match. And so that's what really it's all about. It's sort of that, like, neuroscience meets law of attraction sort of situation where when you wire your brain to become a match so that it can actually construct the experience that you're wanting to experience, that's when you can see it. And that's why I say, like, you need to act like it, or you need to be it before you can see it. It's because the brain has to be a match for it in order to even construct whatever it is. Like, you can be in the best relationship ever but make it toxic, or, you know, it won't, you won't be perceiving it as that if your brain isn't wired to be in a healthy relationship. And so I think it really is about rewiring your brain so that you can perceive the things that you want. And so for me, that's what manifestation is all about. For me, manifestation's in- it is, I guess, an entire ... It is a mental game. It is about rewiring your brain so that you can become a match to whatever it is that you want. But then of course, that requires action.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- EMEmily McDonald
You don't... Rewiring your brain, yes, it can be done through visualization and, and all of that. But a lot of the circuitry, like habit formation and all that, a lot of it comes from action and from doing. And so I, I do think that, of course, it requires [laughs] action, but taking aligned action. And when... And I think that it's important to recognize that when, when you have action but your brain isn't programmed to see it, then you'll be taking action for a long time. You might achieve it. You might not. But when, and when you're, of course, only doing the brain component or the energetic component of it, the mental component, you might become [laughs] this great thing. But it, then it, it's gonna take action for you to go. And I think that when you have both your brain is programmed
- 39:41 – 43:07
Surround Yourself with Expansive Minds
- EMEmily McDonald
for whatever it is that you want and you're taking action toward what you want, then that's when you become completely unstoppable.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, it's so interesting to hear about the exposure of the kittens-
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... what they had, the vertical and horizontal lines. I remember I was coaching someone a few years back, and they told me that the richest person they knew made $100,000 a year. And so then I introduced them to someone who made $100,000 a month. And they were like, "Oh my God, I didn't know you could make $100,000 a month." Then I introduced them to someone who made $100,000 a day. And then they're like, "Oh, wait a minute. Like, I didn't know you could make $100,000 a day." And then I introduced them to someone who makes $100,000 an hour. And it was just incredible to watch their mind expand because it was just a glitch almost in their belief system of what was-
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... possible. And that wasn't about that person wanting to become really rich or wealthy. It was just about the idea of can you expand the mind out enough to be exposed to something that it hasn't seen before and heard before, and all of a sudden, the person's being able to wire differently-
- EMEmily McDonald
Yep
- JSJay Shetty
... and being able to conceptualize dreams and businesses and ideas that they never have because they just weren't aware. And I always think about that. Like, what's the prison that we've created for ourself?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
No matter how big your world is or how small your world is, it just ends up being that size. And it's hard to do that if you haven't left your town or met someone outside of your landscape or met someone in a different career path. I mean, I talk about it all the time. Growing up, I didn't know anyone who looked like me who worked in media or was on television or worked in any sort of way. I just didn't see anyone. And if you haven't seen it, it's so hard to experience it or dream to become it because you just think people like you don't do that.
- EMEmily McDonald
Right, exactly. And that's why I'm really big on normalizing your dreams to yourself. Um, because yeah, exactly, if your brain hasn't been exposed to it, it's gonna be really hard to honestly even set the goal for yourself to be it or have it.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- EMEmily McDonald
And you know, I've definitely had people, like my business partner and fiance, he, he definitely showed me a lot [laughs] on the business side of things that I, I had never experienced before. And I was like, "Whoa, there's a whole different world out there that I didn't even know existed." Um, but then also kind of more in the content creation space and like meeting people when I did... I'm big into moving, and I love that you said that, if you haven't been outside of your hometown, because for me, um, moving is a just an, an incredible way to level up your life.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, and, and I, I love to talk about the brain also being an association machine. So the brain loves to make connections and associations between things, and when you move into a new environment, the brain has no prior associations to anything. It's like s- it's a clean slate. And so it's really easy to establish a new identity or sort of new beliefs or a new mindset in a new environment because your brain has no prior associations to kind of hold you back in that past version of yourself. And so it's really easy to start anew. Um, but yeah, and I, I love, I love going and putting myself in environments where I'm being around people or places or things that are e- expanding my mind. It's a r- it's an incredible way to, uh, to level up in your life and in your mindset and, and in your ability to even set goals for yourself. Because I think for a long time, for me, I didn't even know what I wanted to do or be or have. I didn't, I didn't know, like, I didn't know any of it. Um, and so I think exposing myself to that, and like when I moved across the country to Miami, I didn't know a single person there, but being around certain people, I knew. I was like, you know, this person, not necessarily [laughs] do they resonate with me, but I know that they were brought into my reality to show me what's possible.
- 43:07 – 47:39
The 3-Step Science Backed Manifestation Tool
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- EMEmily McDonald
And it really did expand my mind, so I'm grateful for that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. How, how do we manifest based on neuroscience? How would neuroscience suggest we do that?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. So I have a three-step process. I love pro- [laughs] I love processes.
- JSJay Shetty
I love them. I love them too.
- EMEmily McDonald
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
I know you do.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
I know you're a three-step lover.
- EMEmily McDonald
I lo- I love me some steps-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- EMEmily McDonald
... and making it simple. Um, that goes back to my scientist days. So when it comes to manifesting, it really is the same thing for anything that you want. So the first step is to be- is to identify the feelings. Um, identify the feelings that you believe the thing that you want is going to bring you. I always say you don't want the thing that you want, you want the feeling that you believe the thing that you want is going to bring you. So for example, if you are wanting a relationship, then you might... The feeling you might be after is to be loved and feel safe and supported. Um, if you're wanting a whole bunch of money, it might be freedom. Uh, it might be security, again, safety and security and freedom. Whatever it is, right? So those are a few examples, but whatever it is that you want, write down whatever it is that you want, and then write down the feelings that you believe those things that you want are going to bring you. It's super important to identify the feelings. And I get a lot of questions from people like, "What if I don't know what I want?" Uh, if you don't know what you want, um, that's fine. You can still write down the feelings that you want, 'cause I think a lot of times maybe we don't know. And I think a lot of times also we think we know what we want-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
[laughs] uh, but we don't really know what we want. Uh, but it really is the feeling that we're after. And so identify the feelings. That's the first step. Identify the feelings and write them down. Um, and then from there, make two lists. The first list is a list of reasons why you already have to feel that way. And so for example, for me, I actually held a manifestation workshop in my community, and I was manif- my... I always s- use personal examples, so mine was a million followers on Instagram. And I didn't have it at the time, and I, live on that call, I realized, "Oh, what I'm really after is feeling official and accomplished. Like, I wanna feel official and accomplished. That's really what I want." Um, and so then I d- identified those feelings, right? And so then the next step is to write a list of reasons I already have to feel that way. I think a lot of times, again, our brain isn't even letting us-
- JSJay Shetty
So good
- EMEmily McDonald
... acknowledge that we actually can already feel that way in the present. And I was like, "I already have this business. I'm coaching people. I'm changing lives. I have a giant [laughs] following on social media, even if it's not a million. I have a lot of reasons to feel official and accomplished already." And writing a list of all those reasons down, and I have people in my community that they print out their resume and put it in their bathroom mirror, like of all of the things that they've done, right, to make them feel that way. But write down a list of the reasons why you already have to feel that way.
- JSJay Shetty
That's brilliant. I love that.
- EMEmily McDonald
And then the second list is a list of things, right, so m- s- sometimes people will be like, "Well, I don't have any reason to feel that way." [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
Which, to that I would argue-
- JSJay Shetty
What do you say to that? Yeah, what do you-
- EMEmily McDonald
To that I would argue, try harder. But, um, there is another list, and the list is a list of things that you can give yourself that you are in control over to feel that way. So if I'm trying to feel official and accomplished, what can I do today to make myself feel more accomplished? Well, for me, I always feel accomplished after I complete a workout.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- EMEmily McDonald
I always feel, uh, like I know that I'm writing a book. I, I can go write a few pages of my book. That will help me feel accomplished. Um, and so again, what will help me feel official, I mean, the definition, what does official mean to me? I guess for me it's just like, oh, I made it. And I guess that for that I could go and maybe read comments from people like saying like, "Oh, you really helped me," or whatever it is. So what are some activities that you can do to give yourself that feeling? And I think combining the two is important, right? Because again, acknowledging all the reasons why you already have to feel that way, but then also becoming more aware of things that you can do in the moment to make yourself feel that way. And when you start doing that, and after like two months after doing that practice on myself, I hit a million followers on Instagram, and I, I do believe and know that it shifted my energy, right? Like, I'm creating now from a different space of feeling more official and accomplished. Um, and so I think that that kind of process of identifying the feelings, recognizing all the reasons you already have to feel that way, and then becoming aware of things that you can do to help yourself feel that way even more, when you start doing that, now you have the feelings that you want already, and now you've, you're in a place where you can also be detached from the outcome. It's not gonna stop you. You should still go and work toward the thing that you're wanting, right? But that's how you rewire your brain. So that's sort of the neuroscience component. Of course, we could go way deeper into this [laughs] and talk about this for hours, um, but this is sort of like my short, condensed, three-step, um, neuroscience component to becoming a match to whatever it is that you want. And now when you're going and working toward the journey, when I was going and working toward a million followers, now I'm working toward it with a different energy.
- 47:39 – 49:09
Do You Believe in Divine Timing?
- EMEmily McDonald
I'm working toward it as-A match to whatever it is that I want
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, that match piece is brilliant, and I love the way you broke that down. I, I think we all forget how many difficult things we've already done, and how many amazing barriers that we've already broken through, and how many challenges we've already overcome. And if you just took a moment to recognize that-
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... you'd feel so confident. Because each and every person who's listening to us has been through hell and back in their own way.
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And that experience is something we kind of take for granted. We just don't, we don't realize how hard it was because to us it was normal.
- EMEmily McDonald
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
We don't recognize just how much beauty there is in it. That's brilliant. Do you believe that you can miss something if it was meant for you?
- EMEmily McDonald
I don't... I, I don't believe that, um, if y- that you can miss something that's meant for you. Um, because I think that really we are on this journey to learn lessons and level up in our own little game of life. And so I, I don't believe that. And I think that if there is something that you think that you missed out on that you believe was meant for you, I think that... And I'm a firm believer in divine timing, so everything happens in divine timing. Maybe not at that time, but it will come around and cycle back. I, I think that also life happens in these sort of cycles, [laughs] um, where every time you level up or just, you know, you'll, you'll see the same situation over and over again. So I don't think that you can miss something that was meant for you. Um, if you're not a match for whatever it is that you want, I do think
- 49:09 – 51:51
Turning Jealousy into Inspiration
- EMEmily McDonald
that you can miss it, but then in that case it wasn't meant for you in that ti- at that time.
- JSJay Shetty
I think you were talking about how if you judge someone, you can internalize those same things that you're judging about them. And I really like that you brought that out, because I think one of the other biggest distractions right now is actually jealousy, comparison, gossip. There's a sense of like, we'll talk about the person. It's what you said was your fear with even becoming more public and being more vulnerable-
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... is that people put themselves out there, then other people point to them, either make fun of it or call it cringe or whatever it may be, and then we don't realize we're actually just setting ourselves up for failure too, because then we're not able to put ourselves out there. Talk to me about what do we do with feelings of jealousy and comparison when they're so human, they're natural for us all to feel, but how do we transform them into something actually useful for us rather than something unhealthy?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. I think for jealousy, a huge thing that I would do, I, when I first... I don't remember where I learned this from, but I, I have a mantra or a statement that I say, and when I see somebody with something that I want, I say, "That's for me." And I think jealousy, a lot of time, is, it is just fear with a mask. It's fear that we can't have it too. It's fear that this person, um, can achieve this goal or have this thing and I can't have it, and so I'm gonna be jealous of them. Um, and I so- a- and I think that it is sort of a limiting belief and a limiting kind of mindset and behavior to be jealous of somebody, because you're basically telling your brain that you can't have it, um, when- whenever you're jealous of someone. You're basically reinforcing to yourself, "That's not for me." And so recognizing that, that when you're jealous of someone you're teaching your brain, "That's not for me," then you're like, "Oh, wow. Um, I don't wanna do that anymore. I want, I don't wanna teach my brain..." And I think that a lot of times we are shown things in reality, um, to see them, and h- and when our brain is triggered by this thing, it's because we actually want it too, and it's to be shown something that we can then go and work toward. Um, and so I started saying to myself, "That's for me." And I remember actually when I first moved to Miami and I was on the beach, and I went on the beach and there was this couple having this super romantic like picnic on the sand, and I was very single.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
And [laughs] um, I just l- I remember looking at them and I, I took a video. I was like, "That's for me," [laughs] and just like being so-
- JSJay Shetty
You took a creepy video
- EMEmily McDonald
... yeah [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
From afar, and like, "That's for me, too."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- EMEmily McDonald
And it's, though, it's really cool though, because I think maybe it was about a year later that I, or less than that actually, um, that I met my fiance. And then we were both in Florida and we were doing that. So it's super cool, um, how that works. So yeah, I think recognizing that you don't wanna teach your brain that you're limited in that way. Like teach your brain that that's possible for you,
- 51:51 – 56:13
Worthiness Begins with Self-Love
- EMEmily McDonald
too. And so recognizing that that's really what jealousy is, it's just fear with a mask.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I really like the idea of that's for me, and the idea that when you are jealous of someone it's actually saying, "That's not for me."
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And that is the emotion that blocks you, because-
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... and then you justify it. You come up with so many reasons for why you don't like what that person's doing or so many reasons for why you deserve that and they don't, but none of that actually motivates you to get out there. How much do you believe that our matching is feeling we're worthy of something or deserving of something? Like when you say, "That's for me," that's you saying like, "Well, I deserve a love like that. I deserve a picnic on the beach like that." How much, how much do we struggle? What's happening in the brain when we're struggling with feeling worthy or deserving of that?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. I think it really is just a, a worthiness component to it. And I think that there, there are different components to achieving whatever it is that we want or having whatever it is we want. And like believing that it's possible is huge, but also believing that you are deserving and worthy of it. Um, and worthiness comes down to self-love and knowing yourself. Um, and I think self-love really is one of the m- biggest components [laughs] to all of this that we're talking about today, and loving yourself. And so, and loving yourself is about more than just, like doing self-love practices. It's also about knowing yourself and knowing who you are, and i- in, in the, the light parts and also in the dark parts and, and, and giving yourself grace and also accepting all that you are and accepting every single piece of yourself. And so when it comes to self-love, of course there are so many... I, I mean, the first thing on that, what I would say is really your self-talk and recognizing like what, how you're talking to yourself is so important. But I've seen insane shifts in my own life when I have decided that I'm worthy of something. And a lot of times we don't... Again, it's sort of, uh, that, it's on that same playing field ofUm, getting specific about your fears. Um, like getting specific about your limiting beliefs and, and where, where you are limiting yourself. And I think that worthiness is a big component to that. And so recognizing that you are worthy of whatever it is that you want is so important. And yeah, I mean, you can of course like make a list of all the reasons why you deserve it and why you are worthy of it and, and that's great. But also like, it really can just be a decision to decide that I am worthy of this. Like, I, I am worthy of this and I, I do deserve it, and really like stepping into that. And, and if, if you don't believe that you're worthy of it, then that's a- again, an area where you can take it all the way to the end and ask yourself why. Like, "Why don't I believe that I'm, I'm worthy of this?" And then getting clear on that and getting clear on your why, and then again, you can rewrite the story from there and, and kind of create a new narrative around whether or not you're worthy of something. But back whenever I was in the PhD, I would go to this temple all the time and hang out with all these monks. And I got like really close with a couple of them. And I think one of my greatest takeaways from the time that I spent there and just learning from them and talking to them, is that wanting things, wanting material things, um, and, and physical things, whether it's money or a job or a relationship, whatever it is, that's, it's, it's not a bad thing. It's, it's not bad to wanna make more money. It's not bad. It's, it's actually like one of the most spiritual things that you can do is to be abundant because it's, that's the state of nature is abundant. When a tree blossoms with fruit, um, it's abundant with fruit. And so you... Like we are abundant by nature and, and recognizing that, um, and that like the divine by nature is abundant. And so recognizing that you deserve to be abundant as well and, and recognizing that honestly really helped me. Because before that I thought... And I think this is also where a lot of like the hate or like I... 'Cause I've got, I've seen people before say things like, "Oh, it's bad to want money. I don't like money," and all of that. I think, um, th- a lot of it comes from that place as well is like, um, thinking that it's bad or feeling guilty or shameful for wanting to achieve it. And I, I think it's really important to recognize that you don't need to feel shameful or guilty for wanting things. That's actually like you came here to expand consciousness and expand along with the universe. The universe is expanding. We're here to expand. Um, and a lot of times that does mean to go after whatever material thing that we're wanting and that's, that's, it- again, it's not about the material thing, it's about who we're gonna become on the journey toward achieving the material thing. But the m- if the material thing is driving
- 56:13 – 1:02:14
How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs
- EMEmily McDonald
you, that's not a bad thing and you don't have to feel ashamed of it, and you can actually feel worthy of it.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. It's so interesting how we think of limiting beliefs as being I'm not good enough, or I'm not smart enough, but shame and guilt can be limiting beliefs-
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... as well. Like, I don't, I feel like if I want that then I'm a bad person, and if I want that then I'm not a good person, or whatever it may be. And what do we do with that? What do we do with limiting beliefs of I'm not good enough, and what do we do with the shame and guilt of maybe I'm not a good person if I want that?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. Um, so on the I'm not good enough piece, I think that's where I like to adopt the game of life mindset. When you make it to a new level of a game, you're tech- you're good enough to get there because you passed the previous level and you're on this new level. But are you really good enough to play this level yet? Like, prob- no. You haven't learned the way this level works. You haven't learned the ins and outs. Um, usually it takes yourself, you a few tries, and you gotta go and, and navigate and learn the rules of this new level of life, uh, and this level of the game. And so are you good enough to be on this level? Maybe not, but you're good enough from, to pass the previous one. And but recognizing that that's okay. Like, you're not meant to be perfect at this new level yet, like you just got there. And so recognizing like for me, like I'm starting to write a... I might not be good enough to be a bestselling author yet, but it's gonna be the journey that's gonna make me into one. And so I think giving yourself permiss- permission actually to not be good enough, um, to do the thing. And I mean, of course, like understanding who you are and knowing yourself and, and, and being confident, and I think I have like a hot take when it comes to confidence that it doesn't have to, your... Like confidence isn't about achievements or accomplishments. Confidence is knowing who you are. And I have a track on [laughs] like all streaming platforms. I'm like, I'm not trying to plug this right now, but it's called like You Don't Even Realize Who You Are. And, and I think for me, whenever I was first starting the journey to go into the PhD and moving to Arizona where I didn't know a single person there, I had people asking me like, "Aren't you afraid? Are you nervous?" And I wasn't at all and, and thinking about why I wasn't, it was because I had just embarked on this journey of self-improvement and knowing myself and self-awareness, and also like a huge spiritual journey that I was on. And I think that those two things together and this sort of trust and surrender mentality, I had trust and surrender written on sticky notes everywhere. Did I necessarily think I was good enough to be, to be this like amazing scientist doing all these things? I don't know if I really believed that, but I believed that I was capable of being good enough to do it. So recognizing, of course, like innately I am worthy, but also like mentally and physically, maybe I haven't gained those skills yet, but that's okay. I don't need to have those skills yet. From there, you can really, again, it all comes back to your why of why you want those things. Like for me, I don't feel shame. Uh, like I don't feel ashamed or guilty for saying I wanted a million followers because I know that with my platform growing, then I can impact and help more people, and that's my overall goal. Like, and so yes, of course, like I want a million followers. Honestly, if I'm being honest with myself, I want even more. Um, and that's okay to want that, but also understanding that what is driving me to even build this from the beginning, because I never even, my plan was never to be a content creator in the first place. I was just becoming a scientist and then the content about science was taking off. Um, it really is about helping people reach their maximum potential and, and giving people the information that I wish I had-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- EMEmily McDonald
... whenever I was younger that I didn't have. And so recognizing my why, and other people don't need to know that. And I, I think one of the things that I've had to really release on my journey is being understood and accepted by everyone. And when you are, and I, I always say that being misunderstood is the tax that you pay for being authentic. Um, and so, and authenticity is the most magnetic energy that you could possibly have. Like, you are so powerful because that's, that's really, if I, if I had to name a purpose that can be distilled down to everyone, that is your purpose, to be you. Um, because th- like you came to this planet to be exactly who you are. You were made on purpose, and so that is your purpose, to be you. Being yourself and being authentic is super powerful and, and me kind of being myself and sharing that, like that, that is... me just being authentic, but also I, I don't feel ashamed for it because I know my why, and I know that it's a lot bigger than me, and I know that it's going to be, like, helpful for people, and that's what's driving me. You know, and there are people that, that... And I, I can't speak for everyone, but [laughs] there are people in my, in my personal life that, that wanna make, um, more money, and they are driven by money. And I think from there, it's like, okay, but what is your why? Like, why do you wanna make more money? And a lot of times it's, okay, I wanna be able to take care of my family. I wanna be able to have a sense of freedom, and safety, and security. I don't wanna have to worry about certain things, and that is completely valid and okay. And I think, again, you mentioned giving yourself grace before, and that's something that I've recognized through working with people, that most people do not give themselves enough grace. Uh, we really do... And, and forgiveness is powerful practice. Forgiving others, but also forgiving yourself. Um, but I, I think that when it comes to feeling guilty or feeling shameful, I think thinking about it from the neuroscience perspective [laughs] to kinda attack from both sides here, realizing that you learned that story. Like, and that doesn't mean that it's true. And so if you feel guilty, um, for wanting money or a specific job, if you feel that, like, if you feel like that makes you a bad person, realize that you learned that from somewhere, and that does- that doesn't mean that it's truth. It means that that's what was programmed into you. And from there, and this is what I tell people with limiting beliefs as well, is look for evidence of the opposite. Look for evidence of people. And I have people, someone in my community was like, "Oh yeah, there's this guy who's super rich, m- multimillionaire, and he uses that money and donates it to charity and does a lot of great things." And so that's a great example of someone who has gone out and made a lot of money and then used it for good. And so of course there are p- the opposite side of that as well, but that doesn't, that doesn't
- 1:02:14 – 1:04:19
What Are You Building Within Yourself?
- EMEmily McDonald
mean that that's gonna be you. And so recognizing that, um, is important, too.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. What I appreciate is you're such a student of your own work. Like, you're, you're, you're testing these things out on yourself.
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
You're creating the things you wanted when you were younger. What's the work you're doing on yourself right now? Like, what are you working on and building for yourself right now?
- EMEmily McDonald
Recently I have been doing a lot of re-releasing, of being accepted and understood by other people. That's something that I've been writing down a lot in my journal. Um, but also tapping back into my, more of my creative side. Something I live and swear by is doing morning brain dumps. So every single morning I wake up and I just, I write for about 30 minutes in my journal, and I just write, and I, I pra- And w- it, it's great for a lot of reasons, but also it do- it is a great way of practicing non-judgment of yourself. If you just allow yourself to get into flow and just write in your journal without judging it, without really overthinking it, but just stream of consciousness writing, um, it'll, it'll, it, it's really kind of priming your brain for flow for the rest of the day, as well as, as, as well as, you know, practicing non-judgment of yourself, um, and getting into more of a creative state. But also it's a really great way to observe your own patterns, too.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- EMEmily McDonald
So I love kinda analyzing [laughs] myself in that way. Um, but that's really something that I've been tapping into. And also, I guess, just really giving myself more grace because the past few weeks have been insane in my life. Like, we're, we just closed on a house, and we're moving and getting engaged and all that. And I think, like I was telling you, the house is a mess. [laughs] Um, we don't have furniture, and there's just a lot going on. But recognizing that the messy middle is proof of growth and, and sometimes the in-between stages mean that you're growing and leveling up. And so giving myself grace in, in, in that as well as, and recognizing, like, okay, yeah, things are not put together right now. Like, we are not settled. It, I feel displaced. I feel a little bit all over the place, but recognizing that that means that I'm in a, a journey of-
- JSJay Shetty
Yes
- EMEmily McDonald
... leveling up and is, is a good sort of mindset to have while doing this. So I would say that those are really some of the key things that I'm working,
- 1:04:19 – 1:09:53
Let Go of the Need for Approval
- EMEmily McDonald
I, I'm kind of acknowledging and wiring into my brain right now.
- JSJay Shetty
You're releasing the need to be accepted by people. What is the part of you that has craved to be accepted that you're trying to release?
- EMEmily McDonald
So I think for me, I guess me understanding my why and understanding that I really am here to just help people in every way that I can, it's sort of tough when you, when you see comments or d- get DMs from people and, the, I mean, the, people have negative things to say or they pick on, like, certain things. Like, "Oh, I can't believe that you would do this," or whatever, and it's just like, damn, like, I'm trying so hard [laughs] to be, like, a positive force for good and that no matter what I do, it seems like so... And so I've recognized sort of recently that maybe it's having a little more effect on me than I would like it to. Um, and so becoming aware of that and now also recognizing that. I think a big thing that I've realized, and I, I guess another thing that I've been working on a lot lately is play and being in my joy more. Um, because actually we were in Sedona a couple weeks ago, and it was funny because... And this is, you had mentioned a little bit about the videos. Like, what you put out and what you put onto people is actually mirrored in your brain, and you're really putting it onto yourself. Um, but I, we were, went to this, like, aura reading thing, and [laughs] and Alec, he asked me, he was like, "What color's my aura gonna be?" And I told him brown. [laughs] And, and he's like, "What's your..." "Uh, gold. Mine's gonna be gold." And we go there, and mine was brown. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
And, um, it really is true. Like, you get what you give, and there's s- tons of neuroscience behind that.
- JSJay Shetty
Was his gold? [laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
It was gold.
- JSJay Shetty
That's so good.
- EMEmily McDonald
Uh, yeah. And it really is, like, I mean, obviously, like, and y- you kind of mentioned it a little bit, but when you, when you talk about badly about other people or just make any sort of comments, like, you are activating those pathways in your brain. And so your brain isn't necessarily even making the difference that it's about someone else. You're just focusing on that emotion, and you're focusing on negativity or complaining. And for me, it's like, okay, yeah, I'm focusing on that, that brown aura. But really what I was told in that was, like, you need to be pouring into yourself more. Like, you're pouring into a lot of other people, and you need to be pouring back into yourself more. Um, and I've come to recognize that the compa- the comparison, the jealousy, the being bothered by what other people have to say, it has a lot less of an effect when you're actually really enjoying your life.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, and so pouring back into myself more and spending more time and playing, like, going on my row stick and going hiking and playing with my dog, um-But allowing myself to actually be in my joy more often and pouring more into myself is actually something that I've been doing more often that I kind of fell off of doing. Um, and it- I think that's one way that I am kind of lessening the effect of that. Because yeah, I recognize that it was having more of an effect on me, and I have learned that those comments and the, what other people have to say, it really has less effect on you when you are actually truly enjoying your own life and feeling confident in yourself. That, and I also had a dream. [laughs] I had a, this dream about the neuroscience of reality and why you shouldn't listen to what other people have to say. Um, and that actually, of course, it, it told me everything I needed to know, and I made a video about it. Um, [laughs] and it was like, um, basically the neuroscience of reality in the, like, in, in short is just the idea and understanding how the brain works, that your brain is constructing your entire experience of reality. Everything that you hear, see, like you don't see with your eyes, you see with your brain. All your eyes do is just take in light signals, and then those light signals travel through the brain where your thoughts and your emotions and your beliefs and your past, it's all incorporated before the image is even put together that you see. Um, this is why, like, they, they've s- they've shown differences in activity in people that when they look in the mirror, like they have, um, sort of body dysmorphia or whatever it is, and they, they've shown differences in brain activity in those people. So it's not just that like, oh, it's all in their head, but really their brain is actually constructing the image of them differently. Um, and so this works with everything in your reality. This is just how it works. It's not just vision also, it's same thing with sound, um, all of it. And so recognizing that what that means is my brain is different than your brain. You live in a completely different world than I do because your brain is constructing the world differently. You have a different brain, and so it's constructing a different world. And this is why actually science shows that no two people see color the exact same way because no two people have the s- the exact same brain. I used to work in a color vision lab, and I got to see how different objects, uh, were plotted on this color map and how different individuals would see the same color fruit, and it was pretty cool to see that. Um, but yeah, and so recognizing that, like, okay, every single person is seeing the world differently. Like, they're essentially living in a different reality. Um, and so when somebody makes a comment or they say something, that might be actually true for their reality. It might be true for them. That might be the world that they live in. But that doesn't mean that it has to be the world that I live in, and doesn't mean that it has to be true for my reality. And so recognizing that, um, and, and of course like everybody's on their own journey, their own timeline, their own path. They have their own programming, like the kittens. Like imagine the kittens that were raised with the horizontal lines giving, giving advice to the kittens with the vertical lines. The kittens with the vertical lines would be like, "What are you talking about? That doesn't make sense at all."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, and that's, that's-- it's the same thing for people. Uh, we're all programmed and raised differently, and that's why, you know, we should take what resonates and leave what does not resonate. Um, but also I think that that's given me a lot of reassurance, so thank- thankful for that dream.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, but it's given me a lot of reassurance, uh, on, on
- 1:09:53 – 1:15:51
Love Finds You When You Least Expect It
- EMEmily McDonald
my journey of releasing that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I wanted to talk to you about love. You just got engaged two weeks ago.
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And you've said that you don't attract what you want, you attract what you, what your brain is wired for. And I wanted to ask you, for anyone right now who's in that space where they're like, "I wanna be in love. I wanna find my person," but maybe they just got broken up with. What do you do when you're feeling, going back to what we talked about earlier, you're almost feeling so desperate that you just wanna find this person, and you keep hearing different forms of advice? Someone's like, "Yeah, you just gotta get on the apps. You gotta focus." And the other person's saying, "No, you'll find someone when you're least interested in looking for them."
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
People are confused.
- EMEmily McDonald
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Where do they start from a neuroscience point of view?
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. So I can share my story of it all, and of course I, um, it's really funny because whenever I was, um, still dating, I used to... People in my life would be like, "Em, you, you date like a scientist." And I absolutely did date like a scientist. So everything-- I, I like to be super intentional with the way that I do things. So, um, whenever I would date people or go on dates or whatever it is, like I said, you do have to be a match for it, but also you should be sort of putting yourself in positions. Um, but so I would go on dates and stuff or whatever, and actually what ended up happening was I ended up with a list. I love lists, if that's not obvious. I ended up with a list of all the different qualities that I wanted in a partner, um, and I, because I became very aware and clear of what I didn't like in people and what I did, um, at least for myself, right? And so these weren't necessarily physical attributes, but values and different c- like, characteristics of a person. I took stock of, okay, where am I a match then? Where am I not? Like, if I'm wanting someone that's physically active and, and physically healthy and into fitness and, and likes to eat healthy and all that, like am I living that lifestyle, right? Like am, am I a match for that? And so I think that's the first step, is getting super clear. And I think also understanding what you want is very important when it comes to wanting to date someone, so, or wanting to meet your person. That's honestly what I did, is I, I would s- treat it like an experiment and collect data of all the different things that I valued and things that I didn't, and then on that list recognizing, like, okay, where am I out of sync with whatever it is that I'm asking for? Um, am I asking for something that I'm not currently embodying? And then embodying that. And then honestly, what happened was I did give up. [laughs] I did actually give up. It w- I met my fiancé literally the same week I had said to my friends, "I'm giving up on dating."
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EMEmily McDonald
I, I went through, like, a little bit of, like, a talking stage and then ended it, and I was like, "I'm giving up. I'm just gonna focus on my business. I'm gonna focus on content. I'm gonna, I'm just gonna do me." And, and, and literally i- I was in the middle of doing me, and you heard the story of, like, how we met, but we met on a work call. So, uh, I was l- i- in the process of doing me, and I think that it really does work well when it happens that way, because I met someone that was literally my perfect match. And it was really cool because I think maybe, like, a few weeks after we officially started dating or whatever it was, I went back and looked at the list, and he checks every single box on that list. And so it works, and I think from that, for that, I a- I also tell people, like, "Don't ever settle." Like, don't settle for a person. And it was really cool because when I... It, it was that moment of like, oh, that's what it's supposed to feel like. Like, th- for so long I was, like, fighting to make certain things work or, like, trying to, like, make s- explain myself in situations or whatever it is, but then finding that person that really understands you, um, that you don't have to overexplain yourself all the time is, is reallyIncredible. But yeah, and so I guess just, again, getting clear on the feelings that you want. And I think when it comes to manifesting love from the neuroscience perspective of it, you do have to date yourself, and people do say that, and you do. You do have to be in love with yourself, and you do have to date yourself, and you do need to have a really good relationship with yourself. Because, I mean, the truth is, is that, like, relationships are ... Like, they are work, and you do have to pour into them, and there are gonna be moments, um, where you're gonna maybe not see it the same way. But understanding yourself and really being really confident in who you are is really important, even for the longevity of a relationship. So it's more than just about finding your person, but also making that relationship last and making it a healthy relationship. Dating yourself and really being in love with yourself and having a positive relationship with yourself is super important. So I think, of course, then again, what, what's the d- follow the three-step process that I [laughs] I said earlier.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- EMEmily McDonald
Identify the feelings that you want the person to give you. Like, do you want them to make you feel safe? Do you want them to make you feel supported? Are you making yourself feel supported? Do you support yourself? Do you celebrate yourself? If you want someone to celebrate you, are you celebrating yourself? Because the way that it works is then if you get into a relation- you start dating someone or whatever it is and they don't celebrate you, um, if you don't celebrate yourself, you might let that slide. But if you're celebrating yourself and you're loving yourself and showing yourself all of the ... being for yourself all of the things that you're wanting from someone else, then you would ne- you wouldn't even ... Settling wouldn't even be in your vocabulary, um, because as soon as somebody didn't do something that you would do for yourself, a little switch would go off in your brain and be like, "Okay, something is a mismatch here," and it's not ... Maybe it's not completely a match or maybe it's something you need to communicate. But either way, again, giving yourself all of the feelings that you want to have from that person is then gonna make you a match for it. Um, and then also whenever you're dating someone that's not a match, again, that's where your question of do you think that you can miss something that's meant for you, um, this is gonna make you better at missing things that are not meant for you.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. Well said. Yeah, it's been great. I've learned so much, and I, I think we've touched on everything from manifestation to relationships to people dealing with self-doubt to people knowing their values, getting to know themself, being able to understand ... My, my biggest takeaway has been this idea of the mismatch of identity with goal or even identity with person, and
- 1:15:51 – 1:28:46
Emily on Final Five
- JSJay Shetty
I think that's gonna help so many people, and I love all your steps and lists.
- EMEmily McDonald
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Keep them coming. They're great. Uh, but Emily, we end every episode of On Purpose with a Final Five. These questions have to be answered in one word or one sentence maximum for each of them.
- EMEmily McDonald
Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
And then sometimes I'll break the rules.
- EMEmily McDonald
[laughs] Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
Uh, but I'll let you know. So the first question is what is the best advice you've ever had or received?
- EMEmily McDonald
The best piece of advice I've ever heard or received is don't follow or do what you think you should do or what you think is gonna work, but follow or do the thing that most lights you up because that's the thing that you're gonna make work in the end.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. Well said. Uh, question number two: What is the worst advice you've ever had or received?
- EMEmily McDonald
You have to do, you have to follow this diet or you have to create content this way. You have to have this schedule for posting. You have to do this, that, or the other. Um, I think when you try to follow specific step-by-step paths that work for other people, and I think for the same reason of the neuroscience of reality in that you live in a different world, um, it might be true for somebody else's world, but it's not necessarily true for your world and your reality. And so I think any piece of advice that, that any ... My answer would be any piece of advice that is calling you to go against your own intuition.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. Question number three: For anyone who's listening to this, when they wake up tomorrow morning, what's one thing you'd like them to try or do differently?
- EMEmily McDonald
All right. When you wake up tomorrow morning ... Well, before you went to bed, I hope you didn't give yourself a whole bunch [laughs] of cheap dopamine so that your dopamine stores can re- replenish themselves. But I would like them to try the three Ms, movement, mindset, and mindfulness. And they can be done in any order, but these three components in the morning, they make you that deeply rooted tree so that you're not swayed in the wind of life. And it can be as short as 15 minutes. It can take you two hours. It ... For me, it depends on the day. But movement is super important. I mean, every single night as you sleep, your brain dumps a whole bunch of waste down into your neck through the glymphatic system, and if you're not moving in some way, shape, or form, it will just sit there in your neck. And there's actually been some studies now showing they're linking that to Alzheimer's and cognitive decline, and so it's just super important to move your body and s- And, and back in my PhD days, whenever I was super busy, I would just hit three sun salutations, [laughs] like 30 s- like one minute, and I would be done with that. And then mindfulness, and a lot of people ask me, like, "What's the difference between mindfulness and mindset?" Um, for me, mindfulness is raking the soil and mindset is planting the seeds. So mindfulness can look like meditating. It can look like breathwork, whatever that is. And then mindset for me is setting an intention or an affirmation or whatever it is. Um, if you do those three things in the morning, you really will set yourself up for success on a level that you might not have ever seen before. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Nice. Uh, question number four: What's something that you've learned in neuroscience that still shocks you or something recently that you learned that really stands out to you about us?
- EMEmily McDonald
The one thing that still shocks me that is super powerful and really important to know that I never hear anybody talk about is how the vagus nerve ties in with our ability to manifest and our intuition.
- JSJay Shetty
Talk to me about that.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. So there's actually research to show that the level of our ... the level of how much our vagus nerve is toned actually is connected to our intuition. And of course, the vagus nerve is the 10th cranial nerve, and it, it's what is really responsible for that mind-body connection. AndWhat they've found is that now, so when I say like the vagus nerve, how toned it is, you can think of it like a muscle. So when your muscles are really toned, um, your, when your muscles are really turn- toned, they're stronger. When your vagus nerve is really toned, it's stronger, it's better, it's better. Um, and so when you have more vagus tone, they've actually found that your, your sense of intuition is stronger, it's more accurate. Um, but also your nervous system is more regulated. So you're m- in more of that kind of like rest and digest feeling of safety. You're better able to rewire your brain, you're better able to learn new things. Um, and it's super powerful. And something that I, I always tell people and I, I've talked about before is just how easy it is to tone it, like right in the moment. Like if you're feeling anxious, you can just start humming. Um, and humming or, you know, om or whatever it is, it's really cool how like ancient kind of spiritual practices are, um, already doing it. But, um, humming actually tones the vagus nerve, and that's one of... There are many ways to tone the vagus nerve, but that's one thing that you can do in real time that you'll immediately start to feel calmer and more relaxed in the moment. Um, but yeah, and so they've shown that when your vagus nerve is not as toned, um, you actually have lower heart rate variability, and heart rate variability is also linked to intuition, and of course, nervous system dysregulation. Um, and so we're kind of more stuck in that fight or flight. Our intuition is less accurate. And so I think the vagus nerve is, is p- a kind of cool avenue to think about and talk about that I don't really hear a lot of people talking about when it comes to neuroscience-
- JSJay Shetty
That's great
- EMEmily McDonald
... and manifestation.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, that's huge. I've never heard that before.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That's awesome. And what are the other ways of toning it? So you've got humming.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah, humming, grounding, exercise does it. Um, actually really cool gratitude practice tones the vagus nerve.
- JSJay Shetty
Wow.
- EMEmily McDonald
Um, but yeah, and so, and, and there are a lot of ways, like, um, to tone it, but exercise, grounding, humming. There's actually, like, the, I, I had this device, which, I mean, um, they're available everywhere, but they, they like vibrate and through bone conduction actually can tone the vagus nerve as well. So there's a, a bunch of different ways [laughs] to do it.
- JSJay Shetty
Wow.
- EMEmily McDonald
But yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Love that. That was great. I'm glad I asked you.
- EMEmily McDonald
Yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Uh, f- I didn't, I've never heard that. Fifth and final question, we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?
- EMEmily McDonald
I would say I, I would want people to learn about the power of their minds. Yeah. Growing up, I had so many labels and, um, all these different like diagnosis put onto me, and I thought I was just stuck that way. And I thought that's just who I was and what I had to deal with for the rest of my life, and I had no idea that, oh, hey, like through the power of neuroplasticity and epigenetics and all these different practices, I can not only rewire my brain, but change the way that I think and feel and behave, and also change my physical health through all of that. So yeah, I would say that my law would be that people need to learn about how powerful their mind is.
Episode duration: 1:28:46
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