Jay Shetty Podcast6 LIFE-CHANGING lessons I've learned from EXTRAORDINARY Guests I Wish I knew Sooner…
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
65 min read · 12,804 words- 0:00 – 1:31
Intro
- JSJay Shetty
Reaching 5 million subscribers on YouTube is a milestone I could never have imagined when On Purpose first began. Over the years, I've had the honor of sitting with some of the most extraordinary people in the world: artists, world leaders, athletes, visionaries, and experts. These conversations have offered us glimpses into how greatness is built, how vulnerability becomes strength, and how love and resilience shape our lives. I'm truly grateful for how far we've come and it's all because of you. It's also just the beginning. So today, we're celebrating our community and this milestone by revisiting some of the most significant moments from incredible guests along the way.
- BBBenny Blanco
The number one health and wellness podcast.
- SPSpeaker
Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.
- BBBenny Blanco
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
I remember this one really well because I was in France. I flew to London to take a flight to the US, and then flew back to London to interview Tom, all within 24 hours. When I spoke with Tom Holland, he shared something deeply personal, his decision to quit drinking. In a world that celebrates alcohol, he stepped away to protect his mental and emotional health, and he's not alone. Surveys show more young people are choosing sobriety than ever before, with many saying they feel healthier and more present. Here's Tom on how that choice changed his life.
- 1:31 – 6:49
The Challenges of Sobriety
- JSJay Shetty
One of the things that you mentioned recently was that you gave up drinking about a year and a half ago.
- THTom Holland
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And you said it was the hardest thing you ever did.
- THTom Holland
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And I wanted to know, what was so hard about it for you? Why was it so hard?
- THTom Holland
It's interesting. I, I, I didn't one day wake up and say, "I'm giving up drinking." I just, like many Brits, had had a very, very boozy December. Christmas time, I was on vacation, I was drinking a lot, and I've always been able to drink a lot. I think I get my genes from my mum's side and that thing, like I can, I can drink. And I decided to just give up for January. I just wanted to do dry January, and all I could think about was having a drink. It's all I could think about. I, I was waking up thinking about it. I was checking the clock, when's it 12:00? And it just really scared me. I just was like, "Wow, maybe, maybe I have a little bit of an alcohol thing." So I sort of decided to punish myself and say, "I'll do February as well. I'll do two months off. If I can do two months off, then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem." Two months go by, and I was still really struggling. I felt like I couldn't be social. I felt like I couldn't go to the pub and have a lime soda. I couldn't go out for dinner. I was really, really struggling. And I started to really worry that maybe I had an alcohol problem. Um, so I decided that I would wait until my birthday, which is June 1st. I said to myself, "If I can do six months without alcohol, then I can prove to myself that I don't have a problem." And by the time I had got to June 1st, I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I could sleep better. I could handle problems better. Things that would go wrong on set that would normally set me off, I could take in my stride. I had so much, such better mental clarity. I felt healthier. I felt fitter. And I just sort of said to myself like, "Why, why am I enslaved to this drink? Why am I so obsessed by the idea of having this drink?" And I would look back and recognize that I would go to events for, for work and be like, "I can't enjoy myself until I've had a few beers." And I just felt so much pressure, and this is one of the things why I've sort of distanced myself from the rugby community, 'cause so much of it is about how much can you drink, let's get you as drunk as possible. And it's honestly been the best thing I've ever done. I'm a year and a half into it now. It doesn't even cross my mind. I've found amazing replacements that I think are fantastic, ones that are also really healthy. I found this one beer that is full of electrolytes and it's, you know, the carbohydrates in it are long-lasting energy.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- THTom Holland
So like, having a beer is now actually like a really healthy thing. I'm really lucky that all my friends are super supportive about it. I've never run into that scenario where my friends are like, "Oh, go on, just have a beer. Like, you're fine." They've always sort of really supported me. And I don't wanna be that person that's saying to people, "You should get sober. You should get sober." If I could encourage someone to drink less, then that's great, but I, I don't wanna start getting into the world of-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- THTom Holland
... you need to stop drinking, because I just, it's, it's not for me to say. I went on my own little journey. I'm really enjoying it. I'm delighted that my mum's almo- has also given up. She's loving it, and it's been amazing.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
I can't believe the difference that I feel from not drinking.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
I feel amazing.
- JSJay Shetty
That's amazing, man. I love hearing that.
- THTom Holland
Thank you.
- JSJay Shetty
And, and I love hearing that it's been great for you, right? I think that's-
- THTom Holland
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... that's the point. Not everything has to be like, "Look what I did. You can do it, too."
- THTom Holland
Sure.
- JSJay Shetty
It's kind of like, "No, this is just what's been great for me." Do you think it was partly that attitude, for you at least in the beginning, where it's like, "Well, look, I can drink. I drink a lot. It comes from my mum genes and it doesn't affect me," and then all of a sudden you realize, well, wait a minute, it's more than that? Because I think there is that. Like, I was like that as a young man as well. Like, for me, it was, it was easy to drink. I-
- THTom Holland
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... I didn't drink daily. For me, I drank a lot more socially.
- THTom Holland
Sure.
- JSJay Shetty
And I loved playing drinking games with my mates.
- THTom Holland
Yeah, absolutely.
- JSJay Shetty
And that, that was really what I enjoyed the most probably. And for me, when I quit, I could just quickly see how it just got me into doing things I would never do if I wasn't drunk.
- THTom Holland
Sure.
- JSJay Shetty
So for me it was, for me it was more that. But yeah, I wonder for you, did you find that it's, there's a really fine line between like, "Oh, I know I can drink a lot," and then all of a sudden you're kind of addic- not addicted but you're on that journey?
- THTom Holland
No, addicted, mate.
- 6:49 – 11:23
Practical Steps to Stay Committed to Sobriety
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. For anyone who is listening right now and is going, "Tom, I love that for you. I want to do it, too." Like, they're listening, going, "I'm having too much every day. I can notice some of those things, but I'm just stuck." And it's hard because we know that addiction's that way. We know that this is heavy. It's not easy. But if someone is watching, going, "Tom, tell me. Like, what, what did you do to even get started? How did you have that courage to say, 'I'm gonna do January. I'm gonna stick at it.'"
- THTom Holland
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Were there any moments where you actually fell back and then had to get back on the horse again? Like, just walk us through that a little bit more for anyone who is watching, going, "Tom, mate, I, I wanna be in your position in, like, six months."
- THTom Holland
I didn't fall back on it. I have done in the past. Like, I've had periods of my life where I'd given up drinking and then gone back to drinking. Um, but this time, I don't know, it was just different. I really worked to sort of change my mindset. I really asked myself, like, "Why do you drink? Why are you drinking?" And a lot of the time, my answer would be, "To feel more comfortable in a social environment."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
And I just put myself in those environments, and just would force myself to be there. I'd force myself to hang out and, and go to a club or go to a bar or go to a dinner. And-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, so you weren't avoiding those places.
- THTom Holland
I was at the beginning because I didn't feel like I could go and not have a drink-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm
- THTom Holland
... because of the stress of it. But then after a while I sort of was like, "Mate, you gotta pull your socks up here, and you can't just live in your house all the time. You've gotta go out and enjoy yourself. And, and if you're only enjoying yourself because you're drinking, then you really do have a problem." But I just changed my mindset. I just, I found really good replacements, things that I could sort of attribute to having a beer. I often found with me, most of it is just the ritual of cracking something open and sharing it with friends and drinking it. Whether it's sparkling water or a beer, I now can't... I don't associate, like, I don't see a difference.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
But I think it's different for everyone.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
I had a great support system. Jack is one of my best mates, and we travel all over the world. He doesn't drink, and doing it with him was, was a really helpful experience for me. My brother is always on the road with me. He was very supportive. And yeah, I just really set my mind to it.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
I was like, "I really wanna do this. I wanna prove to myself I can do it."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
And then once I'd felt the health benefits and started really feeling like my full self-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- THTom Holland
... I was like, "Oh my God. This is, this is the best." But do you not drink?
- JSJay Shetty
I haven't drank for 17 years.
- THTom Holland
No way.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
Congratulations.
- JSJay Shetty
I feel amazing.
- THTom Holland
That's amazing.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, I feel amazing. Yeah. It was j- it's incredible.
- THTom Holland
Wow.
- JSJay Shetty
It's like one of the best feelings in the world, and it's... My, my biggest, like, worry when I was about to quit was like, how am I gonna hang out with my mates?
- THTom Holland
That was my biggest worry.
- 11:23 – 16:59
How Alcohol Quietly Impacts Your Well-Being
- JSJay Shetty
And it's really interesting because they... I can't remember. I, I'm trying to remember. There was this blog that came out years ago. I can't even remember it now. And there was this girl on Instagram who was getting a lot of likes and a lot of comments and a lot of attention. And one day she just disappeared. Like, she stopped posting. And everyone was just like, all the comments were like, "Where are you? What happened? Are you okay?" Like, "What happened to you?" Uh, you know, everyone was frantic trying to figure out what happened to her because they loved her, they were following her, and all the rest of it. And what they didn't know is that it was built by a team that was trying to show that what people didn't notice is that in every picture she posted, she was drinking. And it was a made up... It was almost like original AI-
- THTom Holland
Wow
- JSJay Shetty
... that was made up to prove the point that you can love someone, and you can think you're really close to them, and you, you can think their lifestyle looks amazing, but actually they've got a drink in every picture they post. And you didn't realize they had an alcohol problem. So there was no real person who died, but the point was that this, your friends could be struggling even when they're posting these beautiful lifestyle pictures, but are you aware?
- THTom Holland
Wow.
- JSJay Shetty
And are you conscious of how much it affects you? And I can't, can't remember who built that page.
- THTom Holland
Well, that, that... I, I think that's one of the problems with alcohol, is that-If you came out with alcohol right now, if alcohol wasn't a thing, and you're like, "I've invented this drink that is gonna make you, like, either really happy or really aggressive or really stupid, and we're gonna just sell it to the masses," people would be like-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- THTom Holland
... "Nah, mate, keep your funky juice. Like, we don't want that."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
"That sounds terrible." And it's one of those things, 'cause it is so socially acceptable that the addiction side of it, the bad sides of it really do fly under the radar.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
And that's really interesting. I'll tell you something I do love about being a non-drinker. I love being the designated driver.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. [laughs]
- THTom Holland
I love being that person that makes sure that everyone gets home. I don't know, I just-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- THTom Holland
... I like being a dependable person. I, I think I'm quite dependable.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
And I really like that, that, um, thing. And I saw this crazy YouTube video once, this was years ago, of a guy that went to a bar, he got drunk, and he drove home, and he crashed his car. And I don't know if this is real, it could've been fake, but it's really impactful. Basically, what his friend had done was set up the room as if he had been in a coma for, like, 10 years, and his friend wakes up hours after the crash, and his friend is there, and he had all, like, old makeup on to make him look older, and now I'm thinking about it, there's no way this could've been real-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- THTom Holland
... because how would they have been able to pull that off?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- THTom Holland
But he basically is saying to him, like, "You've been asleep for 10 years. Everyone's missed you. Like, we can't believe you're awake. This is amazing." And it shows, like, how a stupid decision like driving drunk can-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- THTom Holland
... affect the future of your life.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- THTom Holland
So I do love being the designated driver.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. [laughs]
- THTom Holland
That is something I enjoy. Seeing my friends have a good time, being like, "Don't worry, Tom will take you home."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. [laughs]
- THTom Holland
Yeah.
- 16:59 – 19:26
How to Stop Letting Emotions Run Your Life
- JSJay Shetty
a look. How, how have you been able to, in your life, see past the cloud of emotion to actually execute on things? Because I think what we were speaking about earlier, this challenge that young people have today, everyone has today, of just so much information, so much cloud of emotion, so many feelings, so much childhood baggage that you're bringing. Like, how have you always cut through that and executed on that?
- KBKobe Bryant
You know, I, what I try to do is just try to be still.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- KBKobe Bryant
And understand that things come and go, emotions come and go. The important thing is to accept them all, to embrace them all, and then you can choose to do with them what you want versus being controlled by emotion. You know, a lot of times I've seen players, even myself m- you know, when I was younger, being consumed by a particular fear, um, and to the point where you're saying, "Okay, nah, it's, it's not good to feel fear. I shouldn't be nervous in this situation. Like, nah." And it does nothing but grow versus stepping back and saying, "Yeah, I, I am nervous about the situation. Yeah, I am fearful about the situation, but what am I afraid of?" And then you kind of unpack it.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- KBKobe Bryant
And then it gives you abil- ability to look at it for really what it is, which is nothing more than your imagination [laughs] running its course, you know?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I love that, 'cause what you're saying is that when you're dealing with something, it's almost like, "How can I get to the root of it?"
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Because sometimes what we're dealing with, like you're saying, it's an imagination, an illusion. It's not really-
- KBKobe Bryant
It's not, it's not really a thing.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- KBKobe Bryant
You know? Like, y- you think about game-winning shots and, or game-winning free throws, and people go to the free throw line and they're nervous about it. Well, what are you really nervous about? If you unpack that, okay, you, you're nervous that you're gonna miss the shot. All right, so you miss the shot, then what happens? People are gonna be embarrassed. You're gonna be embarrassed because thousands of people, millions of people see you miss the shot, all right? And then what? People are gonna talk bad about you.Okay. Right? And so you look at it and you go, are those things even important? [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- KBKobe Bryant
You know what I mean?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- KBKobe Bryant
If that, if that is my fear, like, what, what is... You're worried about letting your teammates down? Okay, have you let them down before? Well, I'm sure in practice and things of that nature, right? They're still there.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- KBKobe Bryant
You know? And so when you're able to unpack it, you kinda look at it for what it is, which is really nothing.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I love that, breaking it down. I think that's so important. I think everyone who's listening or watching right now, next time you're facing a fear, next time you're going against something, do that. Like-
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... literally unpack it. Don't just settle for your first answer, because the first answer's rarely the right one.
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah, don't hide from it, you know? You gotta be able to look at it and, you know, and, and, and deal with it head-on.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I love that, man.
- 19:26 – 21:03
Growth Requires Trial and Error
- JSJay Shetty
And, and you talk about that, because you talk about, you know, when you talk about missing, uh, five throws and you talk about, uh, getting over yourself.
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Right?
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, getting over yourself. How did you get that mentality of just being like, "I need to get over this. Like, I need to get over myself"?
- KBKobe Bryant
You know, trial and error.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- KBKobe Bryant
You know, you grow up and you make game-winning shots and it's awesome. And you come back the next day and miss a game-winning shot, and it's misery. And then the next day comes and you're back playing again, and you understand that life has this cyclical nature where it's, you know, what you do on Monday is fantastic, but then Tuesday's a bad day. But guess what? There's Wednesday.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- KBKobe Bryant
So are we just supposed to live our lives like this the whole time?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- KBKobe Bryant
You know? Ex- versus just staying like this and understanding that it's really just a journey of evolution every day. It's just constant improvement, constant curiosity, constantly getting better. The results don't really matter. Uh, it's the figuring out that matters.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. And we all get obsessed about the results.
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, we get obsessed about, like, the output-
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... not the input of not figuring it out and not, like, changing things. What you said, trial and error, like the experimenting.
- KBKobe Bryant
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
We forget to do that.
- KBKobe Bryant
It's unfortunate, man. Like, I, I've seen a lot of players, um, especially now in, you know, in, in youth basketball dealing with that, um, you have players that are, like, bigger and faster and stronger and, you know, their coaches are just coaching them for results. You know, we're just gonna use your size that, 'cause you're bigger than every other 12-year-old out there, to dominate today. A- a- but they're not growing.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- KBKobe Bryant
Right? And so they're just based on that result, but they're not focused on growing this young child [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- KBKobe Bryant
... into becoming a better athlete and, and through that, teaching them how to become a more well-rounded person, and we're missing that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. See,
- 21:03 – 23:28
Why Greatness Is Never an Accident
- JSJay Shetty
what you've said there, just, it... I wanna ask you this, and I'm not saying, 'cause I... You know. Like, you know yourself best, and you know how you've got there, so I'm asking it from a place of humility, of learning. When I look at you, I'm like, you know, your superpower isn't just your work ethic. Your superpower isn't just, like, figuring things out. Your superpower is, like, you think strategically. Like, that's a very strategic thought of saying, "This person could be this in the future if they were developed-
- KBKobe Bryant
Right
- JSJay Shetty
... as a whole individual-
- KBKobe Bryant
Right
- JSJay Shetty
... rather than just, like, let's use them for the short term."
- KBKobe Bryant
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
And where did you develop that from, that ability to see beyond, to think deeper, to, to reflect deeper? Where did that come from?
- KBKobe Bryant
Mm, well, I, I had to do that because, you know, I grew up growing up in Italy. Um, when I first moved over there it was, you know, I didn't speak Italian. I didn't have any friends. You know, I had the game of basketball, and through sport and playing soccer, I was able to make friends and build connections, but it was a lot of time spent alone. And, and when I came back to the States, I wasn't the most athletic kid. You know, I was really scrawny, like, really, really skinny and had, like, major knee issues 'cause I was growing.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- KBKobe Bryant
So I was the dorky kid with high socks and big old knee pads.
- JSJay Shetty
It's fashionable now. [laughs]
- KBKobe Bryant
It's fashionable now. It wasn't then. It wasn't then. And, and so, um, I had to look long term, because in the here and now I couldn't compete with these kids. I mean, there was kids that were, like, 12 years old with beards.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. [laughs]
- KBKobe Bryant
Like, I can't, I can't... What am I supposed to do with that?
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- KBKobe Bryant
Like, they're, they're doing windmills and dunking backwards, and I'm happy to, like, tap the backboard, you know? So I had to look at it from a long term, 'cause I wasn't gonna give up on the game.
- JSJay Shetty
Right.
- KBKobe Bryant
So I had to say, "Okay, this year I'm gonna get better at that."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- KBKobe Bryant
"Next year, this," and then so forth and so on. And then patiently I was able to catch them.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Kobe taught us that greatness isn't an accident. It's built through discipline, consistency, and the willingness to go further than most are willing to go. His words and wisdom live on as a challenge to bring our best to whatever we love. You know, the end of the year always gets me thinking, "What's next? What's the next move?" Because this is the time to lay the foundation for everything that's coming in 2026. For us with Juni, Shopify has been that partner that makes it all possible. Shopify isn't just a platform, it's a partner for dreamers, doers, and creators. Whether you're starting small or thinking big, Shopify gives you the tools and the confidence to begin. When we started Juni, we wanted to build something meaningful,
- 23:28 – 26:32
Understanding the Difference Between Wanting and Needing
- JSJay Shetty
and having a system that simplified the how kept us connected to the why. And what's really special is that Shopify grows with you. You can start with one idea, one spark, and before you know it, you're sharing that spark with people all over the world. From the design of your storefront to fulfilling orders, Shopify helps you create an experience that actually feels human. And the best part, you don't have to be a tech expert. Shopify meets you where you are with templates, tools, and even AI features like Shopify Sidekick to guide you, spark ideas, and help you keep things moving with clarity. It's time to stop thinking and start doing, and there is no better way to do that than with Shopify. Use our link shopify.com/j now to start getting serious about building your future. Take it from me, it is time to start taking that idea you've had for a while and put it into action. And with Shopify, you will have all the tools you need to ensure your idea becomes the best reality it can be. When Emma Watson called me to be on the show, I was thrilled. One insight in our sit-down, out of the many that she said, that stood out was her view on building relationships from wholeness, not need. In her younger years, she might have chosen from uncertainty, but now she seeks love from peace and self-knowledge. She also spoke about asking the hardest questions. Am I really happy?Am I aligned with my values? Questions that push us beyond appearances and towards truth. One of the hardest questions, you talked about asking, answer, asking yourself difficult questions, and I wanna ask you something about that, but one thing I've said to my wife is, "If you ever fall out of love with me, please tell me, because I don't want to live a day without love. I'm really confident about the fact that I'm worthy of love and that I wanna experience love in my life."
- EWEmma Watson
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
"If you ever fall out of love with me, just tell me. It's okay."
- EWEmma Watson
Mm-hmm, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
"Because I don't have the desire-
- EWEmma Watson
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... to stay somewhere for any other reason." And it sounds risky saying that, and extreme, but to me it's a greater risk to have spent 10 extra years with someone-
- EWEmma Watson
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and then they tell me, "I haven't really loved you for the last five, 10 years." And then I'm like, wait a minute, I've lived without love for 10 years of my life, and I don't want to be in that place because I've seen people go through that-
- EWEmma Watson
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and, and not be happy.
- EWEmma Watson
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so it does come with a humility and a-
- EWEmma Watson
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... openness to have very difficult conversations-
- EWEmma Watson
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... uh, and not to force something that, oh, it's been going go- great for 12 years. L- it has to. It should do. It, it must do. And it's like, well, maybe no. Like, yes, if it does, it's great-
- EWEmma Watson
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and it is right now-
- EWEmma Watson
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... but why should right now be a prediction for how you feel in 15 years?
- EWEmma Watson
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
With everything else that's gonna change.
- EWEmma Watson
I think if I knew I really couldn't meet the needs of someone and they couldn't meet my needs, if I really couldn't make them happy and they couldn't make me happy, like, forcing them to stay in that situation, just really that, like, makes love impossible, like, negates. So I, I totally get what you're saying, and my mom said this thing to me which was like,
- 26:32 – 30:08
The Power of Asking Yourself Hard Questions
- EWEmma Watson
"You want to be with someone because you want them, not because you need them." And I think maybe another reason why I didn't get married younger is because I think maybe I would've married someone not knowing who I was, and I would've needed them, maybe not wanted them. And I think now I have a life that's whole and complete as it is, and I would be making a choice from a place of I just want you, and I don't need you, but I just want you.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm, I love that.
- EWEmma Watson
And I don't, I don't think I was that woman five years ago.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, I love that. And, and, and there's so much, so much to be said for attracting from a place of peace-
- EWEmma Watson
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... because you know what peace feels like.
- EWEmma Watson
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so then anyone or anything that comes-
- EWEmma Watson
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... into your life-
- EWEmma Watson
Mm, and what feeling satisfied feels like
- JSJay Shetty
... satisfied is probably even a better word.
- EWEmma Watson
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And, and that feeling of I know what it feels like to be satisfied, and so I now know whether someone makes me more satisfied-
- EWEmma Watson
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... or less.
- EWEmma Watson
I know what my baseline is.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- EWEmma Watson
If you don't know what your baseline happy is, then how do you... You've got no idea-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- EWEmma Watson
... of knowing what's going on at all.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. And that's not a feeling of being complete or having it all figured out.
- EWEmma Watson
No.
- JSJay Shetty
It's like I know wh- satisfies a great word.
- EWEmma Watson
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
It's like I know what it feels like to be at, at peace with myself or satisfied with myself and-
- EWEmma Watson
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... now everyone can show me-
- EWEmma Watson
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... where that pendulum swings.
- 30:08 – 37:29
Why Lifelong Learning Keeps You Grounded
- EWEmma Watson
some sort of urgency or a deadline for that so that I make sure that I'm a person of integrity." I purport to be someone that cares about the world and about the planet and sustainability and, you know, there are some things I was doing. Was it enough? By my own standards, not by anyone else's, just by my own, probably not. But what's nice is, is I actually have the time now to be like, "Okay, what are you gonna do [laughs] about it?"
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- EWEmma Watson
Like, "Get, get on with it," and like-
- JSJay Shetty
But those, those are g- thank you for those. Those are great questions.
- EWEmma Watson
Thanks.
- JSJay Shetty
Really, really great questions. Emma's bravery and honesty reminds us that real love begins with knowing yourself. When you're complete on your own, you can choose someone because you want them, not because you need themAnd just as importantly, fulfillment comes from having the courage to ask hard questions, to walk away from what looks good on the outside if it doesn't feel right on the inside, and to realign your life with your deepest values. Now, it's a given that Madonna is a cultural icon, but what struck me most wasn't her ambition or longevity, it was her devotion to spirituality. Even at the height of fame, the success, she felt a void, and what sustained her wasn't the limelight, but the rituals that gave her peace and purpose. From yoga and Sanskrit study to Kabbalah, spirituality became the compass she realized she needed for herself and for her daughter. What are your spiritual practices and rituals that have been so supportive and emblematic of your journey that have kept you going at the times, as you said, there were so many times you could give up or things could go wrong, or you kept pushing and you ke- they kept you locked. What were they? What are they?
- MAMadonna
Well, one really important thing is studying, making time every week to sit down and study. I mean, you can study the Bible, you can study the poetry of Kahlil Gibran, or you can study the Vedas, you, you know.
- JSJay Shetty
And you did that, right? You actually-
- MAMadonna
Yes, yes
- JSJay Shetty
... studied different traditions on your-
- MAMadonna
I mean, to be honest, before I discovered Kabbalah, I, I was looking for answers. And-
- JSJay Shetty
Why do you think that was? Why were you looking for answers?
- MAMadonna
Uh, because I had everything that people would assume would give you happiness. I had successful career, I had fame, fortune, monetary things, physical things, but I wasn't happy, and I naturally sought out... Well, when I was a dancer, I had a roommate. She was a Buddhist, and she would get up and chant every day. And so I was very intrigued by that. Like, nothing bothered her. You know what I mean? Everything bothers me. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- MAMadonna
Everything bothers me. I'm, you know, I'm a Leo. I'm, I'm Italian.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- MAMadonna
I'm very dramatic. Um-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- MAMadonna
I wouldn't say she was peaceful all the time, but I was just struck by her confidence-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm
- MAMadonna
... and her, um, knowingness that everything was happening for a reason.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MAMadonna
She never got upset about things. And this is in the beginning of my career when I was living in New York, and I was broke, and a lot of crazy things happened to me, s- really scary, traumatic things. And I would always ask her, her name is Mariana, I would always say, "What, like, why are you, like, never upset?" So I attributed that to her spiritual life, but it didn't speak to me. And then later on, I started practicing yoga, Ashtanga yoga, and my teacher, Eddie, um, Stern, he still has a-
- JSJay Shetty
Love Eddie. He's great.
- MAMadonna
You know Eddie?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, I do, yeah.
- MAMadonna
Oh, yeah, he's amazing. I got quite caught up in and competitive about, like, first series, second series, third series.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- MAMadonna
But one thing I noticed is that a lot of people would come into his pra- his practice, his studio where he taught, and they wouldn't even do the poses. They would just go and sit in front of the statue of Ganesh or light candles or prayer. And I realized, and Eddie pointed it out to me, 'cause sometimes I would have injuries, I would, or I would be traveling, and I couldn't practice yoga, and he'd say, "Look, are you breathing?" And I'd say, "Yes." And he said, "You're practicing yoga." So I realized that I was too, still too caught up in the physical poses. And he's like, "No, you don't understand. You're missing the whole point. The poses are just something that you do to bre- to breathe through, to calm your nervous system down, and to bring you back to your center." And that really spoke to me. There was a big, um... no, it was a painting on the wall of the yoga studio. It says, "Desire and detachment."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- 37:29 – 41:45
How Spirituality and Success Work Together
- MAMadonna
"What class?" I'm, I'm open to classes by the way. I love being a student. "So what's the class all about?" She says, "There's a teacher there. It's something called Kabbalah. It's next to a synagogue." And I was like, "Wait, so he's Jewish?" And she said, "Yeah, but it doesn't have anything to do with being Jewish. It's just a belief system." Not a belief system, like a philosophy about life that, you know, you could learn a lot from. And I said, "Okay, I'll go." So I did.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- MAMadonna
And that's how I met my teacher, and I literally would sit in the back of class for years. Mostly men were in the class at the time. It was, um, but everything that he said seemed to make so much sense to me, and gave me courage to be who I am and who I'm meant to be, and made me actually think about intention and a real sense of purpose.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MAMadonna
'Cause my sense of purpose can't just be I wanna be rich and famous, or I wanna be popular, or I wanna sell a lot of records, because none of that lasts.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MAMadonna
But it wasn't until I went to class that I actually started thinking about those things, so I just kept going. And, um, here I am today. But, you know, motherhood or being a parent is really what, um, made me start asking questions that I p- most likely I should have asked them sooner, but I didn't-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm
- MAMadonna
... 'cause I was just caught up in my self. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
I lo- I love that story for so many reasons, one of them being that my journey to my spirituality had certain similarities in that, not that I was pregnant, so definitely not that one. But, uh-
- MAMadonna
[laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... I had a friend and friends who were starting to get interested in spirituality, and they invited me to hear a monk speak. And I'd seen monks while I was growing up, but I'd never really engaged with one or really understood what they did or meant, and I'm so glad I said yes to going along. And I was very young. I was 18, 19 years old.
- MAMadonna
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
I wasn't even seeking. I was open, and I was curious.
- MAMadonna
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
And to be honest, I was doing what everyone else was doing at that time when you're an 18, 19-year-old kid, like, you know-
- MAMadonna
Experimenting
- JSJay Shetty
... experimenting and doing everything else under the sun. But I'm so glad I went, because now looking back, I find that after meeting the monks that I met-
- MAMadonna
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... it gave my life a compass at a very early age-
- MAMadonna
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... that I'm so grateful for, because it changed the entire trajectory of my life. I can't imagine what I would have ended up doing-
- MAMadonna
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... in the same way as you did, and it sounds dramatic, but it's true, that without the group of friends that invited me to go along and, and meet my teachers-
- MAMadonna
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... who'd become my future teachers-
- MAMadonna
Uh-huh
- JSJay Shetty
... I, I can't imagine what life could be like.
- MAMadonna
And are those teachers still your teachers?
- JSJay Shetty
Yes, absolutely, still since that time, so-
- 41:45 – 44:09
Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
- MAMadonna
"No. No. That's not what it is at all. It's got nothing to do with religion." Everybody has to find the, the path that speaks to them and resonates with them.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MAMadonna
But I do think it's important to have one, and I dare say if you didn't have a spiritual path, you wouldn't be as successful as you are today. I will make that assumption, in your work, in your marriage, w- in your friendships, all your relationships. It, honestly it sounds like a really, like a cliché, your spiritual life even. It's like the reason ... But it's just got a bad rap.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- MAMadonna
You know? You, like, 100% can have a spiritual life and be successful. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have one.
- JSJay Shetty
Madonna's story is a reminder that success without inner grounding can feel empty. True resilience isn't fueled by ambition alone. It comes from a deeper sense of purpose and doing the internal work to find fulfillment. She demonstrates the takeaway that spirituality isn't separate from success, it's the foundation of it. It brings me so much joy to share this with you and to give something back in the process.Junie is now available at Whole Foods Market nationwide, and I'd love for you to try it for free. Head to drinkjunie.com/jay and get a complimentary can of Junie on me at any Whole Foods Market. Radhi and I created Junie with a simple intention: to help you feel better from the inside out. It's a sparkling adaptogenic drink crafted with ashwagandha, lion's mane, and green tea to boost your mood, support your focus, and give you clean, natural energy that stays with you throughout the day. So go to drinkjunie.com/jay and run to your nearest Whole Foods Market for your free Junie. I can't wait for you to try it. Cheers. When Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez sat down with me, it was evident that their love wasn't just playful, it was mature. They shared how they handle conflict, take space, and return to one another with honesty and respect. Research shows lasting couples aren't those who never argue, but those who keep respect and practice repair. Real love isn't perfection, it's creating a safe space through communication and trust.
- BBBenny Blanco
Sometimes she'll say... This is so funny.
- SGSelena Gomez
Oh, boy. [laughs]
- BBBenny Blanco
No, no, no. She'll do this, and it's really cool. She'll go,
- 44:09 – 48:03
Using Past Relationships to Build a Better You
- BBBenny Blanco
"I'm feeling a little irritated, and I think I need, like, 25 minutes." And I'll say, "Okay." And then I give her her space, and then after, like, five minutes, she texts me. She's like, "Hey, will you come back? I miss you."
- SGSelena Gomez
[laughs]
- BBBenny Blanco
But, but it's, but it's knowing that, and we have the proper boundaries set with each other. Like, I don't have to be on top of her every second. She doesn't have to be on top of me every second we're together. I just wanna know she's in the house so I can say, like, "Hey, I love you," and then go back to what I'm doing, you know what I mean?
- SGSelena Gomez
[laughs]
- BBBenny Blanco
'Cause, look, we're both highly independent people, okay? But we're both little mushes who just need to be attached at the hip.
- SGSelena Gomez
Yeah. We are so cheesy. It's so fun.
- BBBenny Blanco
[laughs] Yeah. But it's like, but I feel like, I think it helps us too that we're both... You know, on my list, a thing was I wanted someone to be driven and inspired by something. I didn't care if they made any money or anything. I just wanted someone to be so into something that they did every day. And when she comes back from her day and she tells me what she did, I'm like, I'm not sitting there like, "Yeah. Mm-hmm, mm." Like when you're talking to your mom. You know when you're talking to your mom and you just say-
- SGSelena Gomez
[laughs]
- BBBenny Blanco
Your mom just keeps talking, you go, "Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah." Like, she comes back and, like, my eyes light up because I see the enthusiasm. I see what she did, and I'm like, fucking inspires me, and I'm like, "I gotta do more in this lane." And it's like we're in this place where we're inspiring each other, and we're so inspired by what the other person's doing. And, and she'll help me out. She'll be like, "Well, what if you did it like this, this, and this?" And I'm like... And then she'll say something and I'll be like, "Well, why don't you handle this situation?" Because we have such different personalities that are also the same, but we're s- the thing that one of us is really good at, the other one maybe lacks a little bit and vice versa. And it's so cool to be able to, like, workshop, like, little conversations or how to handle a situation. And it... And I just feel so comfortable with her, like, that I can say anything and she won't ever say... I don't know.
- JSJay Shetty
I love the maturity. I mean, hearing you both talk about it-
- SGSelena Gomez
Yes, but let's be clear.
- BBBenny Blanco
[laughs]
- SGSelena Gomez
We are not the perfect-
- BBBenny Blanco
No, no, no
- JSJay Shetty
It's not perfect. No-
- BBBenny Blanco
We're so silly and-
- JSJay Shetty
But you're disagreeing. No, no, no. But I, I think the maturity of... And, and I agree with you. I think, I think that's actually the difference, and I'm glad you brought that up. I think there's a big difference between maturity and perfection.
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Perfection is saying we never have a disagreement, we never have to take space from each other, we ne-
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... you know, which you're not saying. You're saying, "Hey, I just asked for 25 minutes space." [laughs]
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
And then I was like, "Wait a minute, I need you."
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And I think there's a maturity in that because it requires maturity from both parts-
- SGSelena Gomez
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... for you to first say, "Hey, I need space," for you to say, "I get it. I respect you," and then for you to have the maturity to say, "Actually, I want you back"-
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... and for you to be like, not like, "Oh, I told you so," for you to be like, "I'm here for you." Like, that, that's not perfection. To me, that's maturity, and I think that's... I really want people to get that from it, that you are gonna have disagreements. You are gonna want space. Like, me and Radhi went through that. She, at the beginning of our relationship, if we had a disagreement, and we were the same, we never... We made a rule that we would never raise our voices at each other because I came from a home where it was not great.
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah.
- 48:03 – 53:37
How to Show Your Partner You’re Truly Present
- BBBenny Blanco
Some people, I get it, they wanna talk about it right then. They wanna... The one thing that also works for us so much is, like, we're not chill people, but we're like, we're not, we're never gonna get... I, like, I'm not gonna yell at anyone in my li- like-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, same. [laughs]
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah. And you know, I, I came from a home where a lot of that was happening, and I saw, like, at a young age, and I was just like, well, like, my parents weren't speaking the same language. Obviously, they were speaking the actual same language. They weren't speaking the same language to each other to communicate. And if someone comes at you, like, hostile right away, the first thing I'm gonna do, and I know she's gonna do, is shut down. So you're not getting anything. You know, and I always say this, guys are so quick to, like, they gotta win. They gotta win the argument, and it's like, what are you doing? What are you winning? Like, you're gonna argue with your wife and, like, make her cry, and then you're like, "I won that argument"-
- SGSelena Gomez
[laughs]
- BBBenny Blanco
... and then she hates you and resents you. Like, wait, like, don't be a idiot. And, and it's like, I only-
- SGSelena Gomez
I've been guilty, though, to start.
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah. I don't know. I just-
- SGSelena Gomez
Not of you. Sorry. I-
- BBBenny Blanco
What do you mean?
- SGSelena Gomez
I think for me, I necessarily-Felt like in other, uh, situations of mine, it was, um, I was very reactive. I think that's why I was alone for five years, 'cause I really needed to collect myself. I think in the past, that's why I say to him all the time, "And 10 years ago, it's not that I wouldn't have wanted to be with you, I just wouldn't have been in the right head space, and I don't think that you deserve what I had gone through before." So I've learned a lot of lessons, and I've made mistakes, and, and I just want this to be right. So for me, that was a lesson that I had to learn, 'cause I think girls can equally wanna be right. That, for me, it was really difficult in the past, and he's made it unbelievably easy to the point where if I even get to the point where I'm so, ugh, frustrated, he's, like, very quick to understand. "I'm, I hear you. Like, you're allowed to feel that," and that helped me shift where my mind used to go, which was a little bit of anger. So-
- JSJay Shetty
So it was the validation of how you felt in those reactive moments-
- SGSelena Gomez
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... that allowed you to not be reactive? What was it that allowed you? Because I feel like, as Benny was saying earlier, you carry this baggage from all of our relationships-
- SGSelena Gomez
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... into this one.
- SGSelena Gomez
I respect Benny. I, because he's done nothing but respect me. I, again, trust him. I can tell him anything, even if it's about something that's uncomfortable and maybe you sh- you should just talk to your girlfriends. Like, he is that, and that helps calm me down to say, "Okay, so I'm going through these things 'cause of maybe what I had before," whatever it is. It's, n- nothing is ever bad. Like, nothing in my life I regret, and I'm so, so happy for my journey, and I'll continue to be. It is a lesson that you have to be patient and learn, and I, I just, I could never picture myself disrespecting him, I think.
- BBBenny Blanco
Well, it's, it's also just a different thing because it's like, look, none of us are perfect. Like, she gets spicy sometimes.
- SGSelena Gomez
Yeah.
- BBBenny Blanco
And when I see something happening, it's about guiding the missile, not adding a jet pack on top of it with a, with, like, machine gun artillery. Like, e- I wanna make... If I see her getting to a place where I'm like, "Man, in five minutes from now, this room could explode," I'm never gonna let it get to that five minutes from now. I'm gonna say, "What are all the tools-
- SGSelena Gomez
Mm
- BBBenny Blanco
... that I know that work for her, that I've learned over..." Like, I'm not gonna exacerbate a situation. I'm gonna try to calm it down, 'cause why do I wanna be in that position where we're both just, like, upset about something? I don't wanna just calm it down and tell her what she wants to hear. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying, like, to your partner, be like, "Yes, you're right. You're totally right. Like, everything you..." No. I think you listen, and you say, like, "Okay, we're..." Like, sometimes I even, I'll say, like, "Let's not let it get there. Let's, like, just-
- SGSelena Gomez
Mm
- BBBenny Blanco
... talk about this." And I, I do think physical touch is always, like, a very big way. Like, if you're in a conversation with your partner, like, it's like sometimes just, like, a hand helps, or just holding their hand while you're telling them, or giving them a hug while you're telling them. And, and if someone's upset, let them talk it out first, and then after they talk it out, be like, "Okay, well, here's what I think." You know? And, and you can work through these things together such an easy way. It's not-
- SGSelena Gomez
Very constructive.
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah. It's not always easy, I can tell you that, and sometimes we just... Someone wants to be frustrated.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- BBBenny Blanco
And it's like sometimes she'll tell me that. She'll just be like, "I know it's gonna be okay, but, like, I just wanna be frustrated in this moment."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- BBBenny Blanco
And, and I'll have to redirect 'cause I'll be like, "You know what? You have every right to be in this mo-" And she'll say, "This is why." She said, "This is why I wanna be frustrated in this moment." She said it the other day about something. I can't even remember. And I was just like, "Oh, my God." I was like, "Yeah." I was like, "That makes so much sense." I was like, "I don't agree with the frustration. We'll get there afterwards." [laughs] And I was like, "But I get it. I get it." And it's so cool, and I've never quite had a relationship like with her, and we're the furthest thing from perfect in the world. We're perfect for each other. We're not perfect for everyone else. But I think the thing that's cool is that we've had all
- 53:37 – 54:37
Practicing Compassion in Every Day
- BBBenny Blanco
these experiences. I've had all my experiences where it wasn't right, and I'm like, "Oh, okay, I'm gonna change that the next time, you know, with this person or with that person." And I think that's when you really grow-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- BBBenny Blanco
... is when you take all your experiences, good or bad. Like, I, I'm like her. I take every experience in my life, my past partners, my family, my everything. It's like everything happened for a reason, and I'm not gonna sit here and mope about, like, things that could be better or different. What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna say, "Okay, I learned this, and now I'm gonna put it into practice."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. Yeah.
- BBBenny Blanco
You know?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. For me, I always, I always said to Radhi, I always said to my wife, "Do you want me to listen? Do you want me to fix this, or do you just want me to go through it with you?"
- BBBenny Blanco
Yeah. 'Cause a lot of times-
- JSJay Shetty
Like, make it clear for me because-
- BBBenny Blanco
They don't want you to fix it right away.
- JSJay Shetty
They don't. No.
- BBBenny Blanco
And I'm not saying, I'm saying men or women.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah.
- BBBenny Blanco
Sometimes it's not about fixing. You know, everyone is... You know, I'm such a problem solver, and you are, too, so it's like your first thing... Your, I know the first thing in your head is like, "How can I fix this situation?" But sometimes it's not about fixing it right there.
- 54:37 – 56:41
Finding Strength Through Loss and Grief
- BBBenny Blanco
Sometimes it's about just, like, you know, especially for women who are, like, strong, like both our partners.
- SGSelena Gomez
Mm.
- BBBenny Blanco
They don't have a lot of time to be vulnerable in all the areas of their life. They have the world on their backs. Your wife has... There's so many people that re- rely on her. There's so many people that rely on her, so sometimes they just wanna complain about something, and that's okay.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- BBBenny Blanco
That's okay.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
- BBBenny Blanco
It's okay.
- JSJay Shetty
For sure.
- BBBenny Blanco
Who else are they gonna do it to? They might as well do it, and you, and you just listen.
- JSJay Shetty
What Benny and Selena show us is that love is less about avoiding conflict and more about how you navigate it. Taking space without abandoning each other, listening before fixing, and validating feelings instead of winning the argument, that's what creates trust, respect, and growth.Their story is proof that lasting love isn't built on perfection. It's built on continuing to choose each other. And finally, President Biden. It was the honor of a lifetime to be invited to the White House to interview a sitting president. When I sat with President Biden, our conversation turned to loneliness, grief, and the role of family. He reflected on how small gestures of presence, a call, a visit, simply showing up, can ease the anxiety many young people face today.
- SPSpeaker
Think of all the young people today.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
I think that there's more anxiety and loneliness today than there's been in a long, long time.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- SPSpeaker
You know my friend, I appointed him admiral, uh, Vivek Murthy. He was telling me about, uh, you know, the percentage of young people today who are feeling lonely, alone. And sometimes it's just, just touching, just showing up. I used to get my s- to see Beau, who should be sitting here instead of me, would, uh, always say, "Dad, you know, I'm trying to make that call." You know, I'd, I'd get in a plane and go home and because s- someone had a, a serious problem, lost a wife, a daughter. And I'd, and I'd, and he said, "Dad, you don't have time."
- 56:41 – 1:02:39
How to Be Fully Present in Your Child’s Life
- SPSpeaker
When he passed away, the hundreds of people told me how he called, he showed up, he was there. And, uh, because the people who showed up for me, too. It just really matters.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. You've been through, you mention it there, you've been through so much tragic loss in your life. As you just mentioned there, you didn't run for presidency in 2016, shortly after the loss of your son. You've lost your first wife and daughter in a horrific accident. I can't even begin to understand how someone has the courage to process that much loss and grief, let alone move forward in the way you have. It's truly admirable. H- how, how did you begin?
- SPSpeaker
I had an overwhelming advantage in the loss, and that was I had a, a really close family that was there. For example, when my, uh, wife and daughter were killed, my first wife and my two boys were very badly injured, a tractor-trailer broadsided them. I was in, was not in the accident. When I got home from the hospital, my sister and husband already gave up their apartment and moved in, helped me raise my kids. My brother, we, we lived in a suburban area. It was more country than suburban. And there was a little barn on, a garage barn. My, my brother came, and he turned the loft of the barn into an apartment for himself. They were there for me all the time. That was a gigantic difference. My best friend in my life are my sister and my brothers. And, and, uh, so I had an enormous advantage, and I think that when you see people who are going through something tough, it does matter if you reach out. I mean, it, it does matter. Like, for example, you know, you have a, when you're a senator for all the years I was in a small state, you know so many people, and people would pass away. You'd show up at the wake or the funeral. No matter what was happening, I learned it early on, people would stop and just come and throw their arms around me. Because if they know you know the pain they feel, they get some solace in it. It's not always easy, but it's, uh, it, it just matters just to, to just to reach out. Let people know you see them.
- JSJay Shetty
How did you allow yourself to receive that help, too? I feel like, as you were mentioning earlier, with the loneliness and the anxiety that exists, a lot of people either struggle to know what to say. I think we live in a society where people are like, "Well, what do I say if they've gone through that?"
- SPSpeaker
Yeah. Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And the opposite end, what you just said, being able to be open enough to actually receive help requires a certain amount of courage and strength as well.
- SPSpeaker
Well, I was, uh, raising a family for real, an extended family, my grandparents as well, where, uh, my dad had an expression, "Family is the beginning, middle, and end." There's a rule in the family growing up, not a joke. We didn't know it at the time, but whenever you wanted to speak to your mother or father, I mean, they said, "Can we..." You had a problem. No matter what they were doing, they stopped. No matter what they were doing-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm
- SPSpeaker
... they stopped and heard you, listened to you. And I did the same with my children, and they, they did the same with theirs because it's a, it's a matter of them knowing that you, they are the most important thing in your life.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- SPSpeaker
If they've got a problem, you're there to listen. I have, uh, seven grandkids, uh, four of them old, five of them old enough to talk on the phone. You know, every day I either text them or call them. And as a matter of fact, during the campaign [laughs] they were, they were having a... I didn't realize they were having an interview, uh, the, the, the four oldest grandchildren.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- SPSpeaker
They said, and just at the time, and they said, they call me Pop, "Pop calls us every day or texts us every day." And I called them. The phone rang.
- JSJay Shetty
While they're in the interview.
- SPSpeaker
Well, I, I give my word I had no idea they were in there. [laughs] But it's, uh, look, I, I just think being there is, is important and, and makes such a difference, I think, knowing that someone's gonna be there for you.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
Just to listen, just to, just to hold you.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- SPSpeaker
Just to hug you.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. After his own losses, he shared how family and community carried him through. Research confirms it, social support is one of the strongest predictors of resilience in the face of trauma. What the President reminds us is that helping doesn't require perfect words or solutions. It can simply require presence. To reach out when someone is struggling, to show up when it would be easier to stay away, and to listen fully so the people we love know they matter. Because sometimes the greatest gift we can give is simply not letting someone go through it alone. These conversations are just a glimpse of what this community has built together over 5 million subscribers. On Purpose has always been about learning and growing together. Thank you for being a part of this community, for listening, watching, and carrying these lessons into your own lives. I'm so incredibly grateful, and I can't wait for the next 5 million. Thank you. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my conversation with Michelle Obama, where she opens up on how to stay with your partner when they're changing and the four check-ins you should be doing in your relationship. We also talk about how to deal with relationships when they're under stress. If you're going through something right now with your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode for you.
- JBJoe Biden
No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new technology, and we've just taken it in hook, line, and sinker. And we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll just be thumbing through this stuff, you know. Their, their mind's never sleeping
Episode duration: 1:02:40
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