"If He DOES THIS, He's Cheating On You!" - #1 Subtle Thing That Makes Men Lose Interest | Sadia Khan

1. 0:00 – 1:17

   Intro

   1. SKSadia Khan0:00

      The moment you heal your self-esteem, you'll have a natural distaste towards things that are bad for you, people who don't love you, people who don't treat you right. How you know your self-esteem is improving is that the moment those people start treating you badly, you lose attraction to them.

   2. JSJay Shetty0:12

      The psychologist, teacher, and relationship expert. What would be your advice to someone who feels like they've got ghosted?

   3. SKSadia Khan0:18

      Chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. The best predictor of future relationships is their past relationships. People are their patterns. My number one client is a man who has just been cheated on. The women are cheating on the men.

   4. JSJay Shetty0:32

      No.

   5. SKSadia Khan0:32

      A lot more than I ever expected.

   6. JSJay Shetty0:35

      What's the worst thing to say to someone who's just gone through a breakup?

   7. SKSadia Khan0:39

      "Well, you knew he was like that anyway, so what's the problem?"

   8. JSJay Shetty0:42

      What can a woman do to make sure a man doesn't cheat on her?

   9. SKSadia Khan0:45

      Have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected. That's all it really takes.

   10. JSJay Shetty0:49

       Wow. This is without a doubt my favorite relationship episode we've ever done.

   11. SPSpeaker0:59

       The number one health and wellness podcast.

   12. JSJay Shetty1:01

       Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. [laughs] You present such a counterintuitive, refreshing, challenging view on love-

   13. SKSadia Khan1:12

       Mm-hmm

   14. JSJay Shetty1:13

       ... and I appreciate it. So let's, let's dive straight in.

   15. SKSadia Khan1:15

       Perfect. [laughs]

   16. JSJay Shetty1:16

       I, I wanna ask

2. 1:17 – 2:24

   How to Stop Fearing Conflict and Start Choosing Yourself

   1. JSJay Shetty1:17

      you, if someone applied your teachings that you're about to share with us in the next couple of hours-

   2. SKSadia Khan1:24

      Yeah

   3. JSJay Shetty1:25

      ... what would they overcome?

   4. SKSadia Khan1:26

      First thing that they would overcome is their fear of conflict. One of the things that keeps people stuck in relationships is that they have a fear of conflict because it boils down to they have a fear of walking away. And if people understood that the quality of your relationships will vastly improve the moment you exercise the ability to walk away when you're being heartbroken, when you're being disrespected, and when you're being dehumanized, it actually brings out the best in your partner when they know that you have that strength. When you remove that strength from your relationships, what ends up happening is that you attract people who will use and abuse you and treat you terribly because they see that your kindness is going to be your downfall. So I think if you really apply my teachings, the only thing that will happen is that you will have the self-esteem to simply attract people who are good for you, and develop a disdain towards people who treat you badly. And because of that, you can select better, and you can maintain your relationships in a healthier way.

   5. JSJay Shetty2:17

      I love that.

   6. SKSadia Khan2:18

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JSJay Shetty2:18

      So people are gonna select better-

   8. SKSadia Khan2:19

      Mm-hmm

   9. JSJay Shetty2:19

      ... they're gonna attract better, and they're gonna stay in the right relationships.

   10. SKSadia Khan2:22

       Exactly.

   11. JSJay Shetty2:23

       Let's start with the first

3. 2:24 – 5:31

   Why We Fall for the Emotionally Unavailable

   1. JSJay Shetty2:24

      one.

   2. SKSadia Khan2:25

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JSJay Shetty2:25

      Most people I speak to feel like they keep attracting people who are unavailable-

   4. SKSadia Khan2:29

      Mm-hmm

   5. JSJay Shetty2:29

      ... people who don't wanna commit-

   6. SKSadia Khan2:31

      Mm-hmm

   7. JSJay Shetty2:31

      ... people who don't have the emotional capacity for connection. Why is it?

   8. SKSadia Khan2:36

      It's not what we attract, it's what we entertain. Most people can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough, we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have low self-esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed to play hard to get, or it's normal that he doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really ask me how my day is. It's normal that he only texts me at 12:00 AM on a Friday night. And because they believe that that's normalized it to themselves, they start to accept what's actually not going to lead to a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what they're attracting, but what they're entertaining, they can take their power back and say, "I'm actually attracting all types of men, but the ones I keep s- forming an attachment to are the ones that leave me a bit anxious, and the ones that leave me worrying what, what this is and where this is going." Instead of being attracted to that, I start to learn that that is a signal that they've got commitment issues, and all it's going to do is delay my time, delay my ability to, uh, get married, delay my ability to, you know, have a family, and so on and so forth. So we can attract all types of men, but we only entertain the ones that will enable you to start a family and a relationship, or whatever your goal is. They enable that, and if they don't enable that, try and lose attraction for them.

   9. JSJay Shetty3:41

      Why do we feel more attracted to people who make us anxious and who are unavailable? Why is it that we think that they're the ones worth chasing?

   10. SKSadia Khan3:50

       Firstly, if you h- if we have low self-esteem, we kind of, uh, see as, uh, that this is supposed to happen, and nobody's supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably not going to happen. It's normal that, that we get treated like this, if that's your s- low self-esteem. But the other thing is unavailable men, sometimes they demonstrate the, um, uh, the idea of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem more desirable, and because of that mystery, we assume that they've got something interesting going on, they've got alternatives. There's something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive, when we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature. They're not this, this special guy that's got a million things going, and his work is taking over, and he's so, so busy. Actually, he's just emotionally immature. He doesn't know how to commit. He doesn't know how to ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at the time. When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't h- communicate in a healthy way.

   11. JSJay Shetty4:43

       I think you're spot on.

   12. SKSadia Khan4:44

       Mm-hmm.

   13. JSJay Shetty4:44

       When, when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking, "If you want someone, like anyone should, who texts back-

   14. SKSadia Khan4:49

       Mm-hmm

   15. JSJay Shetty4:50

       ... within a decent amount of time, that's not an abnormal request."

   16. SKSadia Khan4:54

       And nobody's that, that busy. I li- I know, like, men like to say, "I'm busy at work," or, "I've got this going on. I'm that stressed." Completely understandable, but one text to let that, let that person know will enable them to just relax the whole day. But you can't have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send that quick text, then that person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship, and they're probably not worth your investment.

   17. JSJay Shetty5:14

       Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting that far because they're meeting people on dating apps.

   18. SKSadia Khan5:18

       Yeah.

   19. JSJay Shetty5:19

       And so you're swiping away. You might get into a conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's talk about this. You're not matching with anyone. Like, no one-- It doesn't feel like it's going that well.What

4. 5:31 – 7:01

   The Hidden Dangers of Dating Apps

   1. JSJay Shetty5:31

      do you say to men and women who feel like they've been rejected a few too many times, and they're losing that faith and ability to feel that there is someone out there for them?

   2. SKSadia Khan5:41

      Just to be careful on, are you actually not matching, or are you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is because of social media and because of dating apps, we enter, uh, relationships with almost like a, you know, a double standard or a sense of comparison or comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, "Well, if he's not the dream guy," or, "She's not the dream girl," "If he's not a high-value man," and, "She's not a high-value woman," we start to look at our matches with a level of, like, distaste, when sometimes a better thing to do is look at the people who are matching with you and try and see, are they actually that bad? Are they some-- is there something wrong with them? Or am I just comparing them to a dream idea of a partner that I haven't actually been able to access? I always just think the more you like the person you are, the higher your self-esteem, the more you like people who like you. The fact that the person that are matching you, automatically you start to like them more because they've matched you, because you like you, and they, you, uh, they like you as well. When you've got low self-esteem, you chase after people that you can't access. So my advice to people is always start with who likes you. Always start with that pool, and then home in on that pool and see if you've got similar demographics, values, so on and so forth. But where people go wrong is they glorify the people that they're not matching with and wanting a love that they've never been able to access, and then comparing who d- they do get matched with, with these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is to focus on who does, and maybe adapt your standards to those people who are actually invested

5. 7:01 – 8:40

   Is Wanting Similarity the Same as Settling?

   1. SKSadia Khan7:01

      in you.

   2. JSJay Shetty7:01

      It's so true, and I feel like what I'm thinking people are gonna say is, "Well, why do I have to settle?"

   3. SKSadia Khan7:07

      If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high. And what I mean by that is I sometimes will meet men who are in their m- maybe in their 40s, on their second divorce, and saying, "I don't want a woman with baggage, so I need somebody 25 years old. I don't want wo- women with baggage." Or sometimes I'll meet women who are, you know, not working, and they say, "I want a man that's an entrepreneur and got s- six figures." It... But I always just say, "Shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you?" And if similar to you starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to the table and what you're receiving, if you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much. But if you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your self-worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit. So ask yourself, uh, does similarity feel like settling? If it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves to be able to access people that we're actually craving.

   4. JSJay Shetty7:55

      Yeah. It's-- so much of what you're talking about is just having awareness and honesty.

   5. SKSadia Khan7:59

      I know. I-

   6. JSJay Shetty8:00

      Like, there's such a need to be honest with ourselves.

   7. SKSadia Khan8:02

      With... And it's harder, it's getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we are bombarded with advice from TikToks and advice from, you know, people that are giving advice about never settle, you're somebody's dream girl, or this is a high-value woman. So we think that if we get anything less than what our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling, when really, if-- as long as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible.

   8. JSJay Shetty8:28

      I mean, so many people on dating apps these days, their common experience is being ghosted.

   9. SKSadia Khan8:32

      Mm-hmm.

   10. JSJay Shetty8:33

       And I'm sure you've-

   11. SKSadia Khan8:34

       Yeah. [laughs]

   12. JSJay Shetty8:34

       ... heard from a million people-

   13. SKSadia Khan8:35

       Yeah

   14. JSJay Shetty8:36

       ... about feeling like, "Hey, we were having a good chat-

   15. SKSadia Khan8:38

       Mm-hmm

   16. JSJay Shetty8:38

       ... and this person just disappeared."

6. 8:40 – 9:31

   How to Stop Getting Ghosted in Modern Dating

   1. SKSadia Khan8:40

      Yeah.

   2. JSJay Shetty8:41

      What would be your advice to someone who feels like they've got ghosted?

   3. SKSadia Khan8:43

      I, I would say try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, in the digital world, people, uh, see each other as disposable, and there's very minimal investment, so they don't always feel like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually, when they're ghosting, it's either they've met alternatives, or they might have just been on the app to buy some time b- to heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner. They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind of, uh, recover from some kind of stress that they're going through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you, try not to take it too personal. But if you've been dating that person, and then they ghost you, chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great at communicating. So try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well.

   4. JSJay Shetty9:30

      What are

7. 9:31 – 11:19

   The Early Signs of a Healthy Relationship

   1. JSJay Shetty9:31

      the signs when you are dating someone, or you're starting to have those early conversations with people do you think people miss but should be looking out for that shows signs of a healthy, positive relationship?

   2. SKSadia Khan9:44

      I would say that sometimes the best predictor of future relationships is their past relationships. And one thing I think people kind of forget is that their patterns don't truly lie. And if you meet a man or a woman even in their late 30s, early 40s, and never been in a committed relationship, and you think everything's going well, and for some reason they ghost you, or they're no longer in a committed-- sometimes that's just their patterns. Maybe they struggle with commitment. Or if you find that these people in previous relationships were always unfaithful, or in previous relationships it never really went past three months, chances are people are their patterns. So just try and pay-- it doesn't mean you judge them completely, but pay attention to if they do fall off and they don't wanna commit, it might not be personal. It might just be their pattern in previous relationships where they're just not used to settling down. They don't know how to. They don't have the skills and tools to. So they will find it difficult. Other people, because they've always been in four- or five-year-long relationships, they only have the habits for long-lasting relationships. So even when you've just started dating, they'll kind of treat you like a girlfriend, and it can accelerate into a relationship a bit faster. So their previous patterns is something to pay attention to.

   3. JSJay Shetty10:44

      And that second pattern can also be negative-

   4. SKSadia Khan10:46

      Yeah. Yeah

   5. JSJay Shetty10:46

      ... because you could just get into-

   6. SKSadia Khan10:48

      Mm-hmm

   7. JSJay Shetty10:49

      ... a relationship too quickly with someone.

   8. SKSadia Khan10:50

      Because they're just in those habits.

   9. JSJay Shetty10:52

      Exactly.

   10. SKSadia Khan10:52

       Yeah. They're not actually compatible. They're just in those habits, particularly if they've just come out of a relationship. They might just be in the habit of calling everywhere, every day, uh, arranging to see you on the weekends, doing all of those things, which feels great. But if they're not actually healed, it will turn into love bombing because they're accelerating the residual feelings from their previous relationship onto you, and it kind of accelerates the relationship faster than what the psychological compatibility is. So you might find yourself catapulted into a relationship by somebody who is just in that habit of doing that, and that can also

8. 11:19 – 12:19

   The Two Most Common Relationship Struggles: Infidelity and Commitment

   1. SKSadia Khan11:19

      be a problem.

   2. JSJay Shetty11:19

      What are the top three things that people you guide and coach and follow you on social media come to you for and say their number one issue is?

   3. SKSadia Khan11:27

      Oh, for men, they do suffer from a lot of infidelity. The women are cheating on the men.

   4. JSJay Shetty11:32

      No.

   5. SKSadia Khan11:32

      A lot more than I ever expected.

   6. JSJay Shetty11:34

      Really?

   7. SKSadia Khan11:35

      My, my-

   8. JSJay Shetty11:35

      That's blowing my mind right now

   9. SKSadia Khan11:36

      ... my number one client is a man who's just been cheated on by a woman. And because there's not much talk about this on social media, and there's not much talk about this in general, we're almost programmed to think men cheat.

   10. JSJay Shetty11:47

       100%.

   11. SKSadia Khan11:47

       So yeah, w- it's rare that you find the, uh, the idea of women cheating, and men don't actually talk to each other when they've been cheated on. They kind of keep it to themselves because they're almost embar- embarrassed or ashamed, whereas women, we can confide in each other a bit more. So my number one client tends to be the man that's been cheated on or the woman that can't get the man to commit. That tends to be the two, uh, uh, um, fields I kind of have, uh, seem to attract in terms of clients. But men getting cheated on or men not being masculine enough tends to be the common theme of my clients that keep coming back and back.

   12. JSJay Shetty12:16

       Let's talk about both of those things-

   13. SKSadia Khan12:17

       Yeah

   14. JSJay Shetty12:17

       ... 'cause they're both fascinating.

   15. SKSadia Khan12:18

       Mm-hmm.

9. 12:19 – 15:25

   What Happens When Men Lack Masculinity

   1. JSJay Shetty12:19

      So let's start with men not being masculine enough.

   2. SKSadia Khan12:22

      Mm-hmm

   3. JSJay Shetty12:23

      What does that mean? Because I think for a long time we were hearing men are not-

   4. SKSadia Khan12:27

      Mm-hmm

   5. JSJay Shetty12:27

      ... feminine enough.

   6. SKSadia Khan12:28

      Yeah.

   7. JSJay Shetty12:28

      Or men don't show their emotions, or men can't have emotional connection. That's the issue.

   8. SKSadia Khan12:34

      Yeah.

   9. JSJay Shetty12:34

      But you're actually saying it's the opposite.

   10. SKSadia Khan12:36

       It's actually the opposite. The genuine, uh ... Because, look, we're, we're living in a time, particularly in a city like LA, where men are almost divided into being too nice and not masculine enough, or toxic masculinity. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground. And men who have lack, um, masculinity, they have these three traits common, in common that I notice. Firstly, they grew up without a male role model. So what may have happened is they grew up in a single-parent home, and they saw their mom making all the decisions, doing all the hard work, doing the emotional and physical labor, and they think that's what women want. They think that's okay. So when they go into relationships, they think that woman wants to make all the decisions. She wants to do everything around the house. She wants to be in control, when really they're looking for a man whose decision-making they trust enough for them to finally be able to relax. But instead, they think that that's what women want. So when they get into relationships, they're not decisive, they're not problem-solving, they allow her to take complete lead, and they almost follow her too much. And at first, that might be fine. Women might find that a bit attractive, like, "Okay, perfect, he's very docile and passive." But later on they find that man exhausting, particularly when they have children and they can't rely on him to make any decisions because he's almost, uh, doesn't trust his own judgment, and he doesn't have that protective or, or provider instinct. So she kind of has to end up doing a dual role. But the biggest thing I find with men that lack masculinity is they have a problem setting boundaries. And the effective way to set a boundary is yeah, to find the perfect balance between being stern and sensitive. What some men will be is too stern, and they'll wanna set a boundary, and they get abusive at the same time. They're like, "You can't do this, you're so ... " And they'll name-call, and they get too much, too stern. Other men are too sensitive. They get too soft with it, so they don't know how to set it, they allow any kind of behavior, and then they kind of suppress what they're truly feeling. To get the right balance, you have to be stern with what you want from that person, but be really sensitive to her needs and understand what she wants, and remind her how much you love her, and you wanna save this relationship, and that's why you're setting the boundary. So it might be something like if she's talking to an ex or something like that. He might be stern in saying, "I don't feel comfortable that you're talking to an ex," be- but the sensitive part is, "because I love you, and I really want this relationship to work, and I really want us to have a healthy pattern. I don't want any in, outside interference." So getting that balance is something that guys that suffer with masculinity don't get right. And if they could just get that perfect balance of sternness and sensitivity, they'll be able to set boundaries a lot better.

   11. JSJay Shetty14:51

       Yeah, it's, it ... You are right. I've seen the abusive, for sure.

   12. SKSadia Khan14:54

       Yeah.

   13. JSJay Shetty14:55

       I've seen a lot of men who feel like they just want a submissive partner-

   14. SKSadia Khan14:58

       Mm

   15. JSJay Shetty14:59

       ... who does what they want when they want. And-

   16. SKSadia Khan15:03

       There's no, no love in there, though.

   17. JSJay Shetty15:04

       There's no love there.

   18. SKSadia Khan15:04

       There's no actual love there. They're setting all these boundaries, but they're aggressive with it. They're not reminding her that they love her. They don't even show her that they love her, but they want her to obey him. That's no way to set a boundary. And other men are just too on the soft side, and then she forgets what he actually truly wants because he's, uh, kind of people-pleasing. So finding that balance is something that's become difficult.

   19. JSJay Shetty15:24

       Yeah. It's

10. 15:25 – 18:21

    Why Men Need Stronger Role Models

    1. JSJay Shetty15:25

       so interesting you said that, because I was thinking about ... So my mom was the breadwinner in my house, and she did everything for me and my sister, and my dad was aloof. He was kinda checked out. And it's so interesting you said the male role model piece, because two things happened for me. One thing was my male role models were monks-

    2. SKSadia Khan15:42

       Mm-hmm

    3. JSJay Shetty15:43

       ... who were really good men.

    4. SKSadia Khan15:45

       Aw.

    5. JSJay Shetty15:45

       And then on the other side, I saw my mom strain-

    6. SKSadia Khan15:48

       Mm

    7. JSJay Shetty15:48

       ... and struggle in pain, and that made me wanna be a better man.

    8. SKSadia Khan15:52

       Yeah.

    9. JSJay Shetty15:52

       But that's because she was vulnerable with me about it.

    10. SKSadia Khan15:55

        Yeah.

    11. JSJay Shetty15:55

        So because I could see that my mom didn't have an easy life-

    12. SKSadia Khan15:58

        Mm-hmm

    13. JSJay Shetty15:58

        ... I was convinced that when I got married, if I ever got married, that I would never let my wife work that hard.

    14. SKSadia Khan16:03

        But that's a really common trait that a- uh, the other type of man experience. Some men, because they saw their mom really struggle, they just wanna relieve their partner of all struggles. So the other way that they can go is that they wanna save a lot of women. And, uh, what ends up happening is that they really wanna make sure that she has no troubles, and she lives a life of complete comfort. The problem is, when you remove all struggle from anybody's life, um, they lose purpose.

    15. JSJay Shetty16:27

        Yeah.

    16. SKSadia Khan16:28

        And they actually resent you for not allowing them to problem-solve themselves. So some men in that position, what they'll end up doing, I'm, I'm not saying this was you, but generally sometimes those men, they wanna protect their partner from any kind of pain and stress. And in the process of doing that, they can either become a bit people-pleasing, or just solve every problem that she could potentially have. Either or, she doesn't actually get to r- fulfill her own-

    17. JSJay Shetty16:50

        Yeah

    18. SKSadia Khan16:50

        ... potential, and it can lead to resentment. So either way, unfortunately-

    19. JSJay Shetty16:54

        Yeah

    20. SKSadia Khan16:54

        ... the lack of male rodem- role model has a significant impact on how they behave with women.

    21. JSJay Shetty16:58

        Yeah, I love that perspective, and it's such a fine line.

    22. SKSadia Khan17:00

        Mm-hmm.

    23. JSJay Shetty17:01

        And I would argue that probably while I was dating, I was that kind of guy. It was only when I got married to Radhi did I upgrade-

    24. SKSadia Khan17:10

        Yeah

    25. JSJay Shetty17:10

        ... to actually realizing that I needed my partner to also pursue her purpose-

    26. SKSadia Khan17:15

        Yeah

    27. JSJay Shetty17:15

        ... discover what it was, understand it, and, and that took a, that took a while.

    28. SKSadia Khan17:20

        Yeah. And, and d- did you find that? Do you have that habit? 'Cause a lot of men in that position, sometimes they'll choose women that are heavily, heavily traumatized, or they choose st- women that have never had any work, um, and no work, or they might choose somebody who is just, uh, really struggling with a, uh, some addictions. And they like that, because then they're like, "I can just show you and help you, and r- help you recover." But the problem is, sometimes when those women do recover, they want a man with higher self-esteem, somebody who wouldn't tolerate so much of that, uh, negative behavior. So they actually-

    29. JSJay Shetty17:47

        Wow. Yeah

    30. SKSadia Khan17:48

        Yeah. So sometimes I'll meet men who are like, "She had this addiction. She was an alcoholic. She was traumatized from sexual abuse. I helped her get through all of it." But when she's recovered, she's actually looking at him like, "Why did you tolerate all of that? Why did you select this? There must be something wrong with you. I actually want somebody who's got a higher selection process now." Sometimes they can lose that woman that they have. And women suffer from this as well. They think that, "If I just show him I'm consistent, caring, and love him, I'll get him through the addictions." When he, when he finally recovers, he actually looks for somebody with higher self-esteem, and they end up, all that investment can sometimes go to waste. So-

11. 18:21 – 19:25

    The Unspoken Contract Behind People-Pleasing

    1. JSJay Shetty18:21

       But isn't that so heartbreaking?

    2. SKSadia Khan18:22

       It is.

    3. JSJay Shetty18:23

       Because-That was love in its best form. If someone was patient-

    4. SKSadia Khan18:27

       Yeah

    5. JSJay Shetty18:28

       ... while you healed, and they supported you. Like, aren't we moving away from love if we leave someone who is there for us in our darkest times?

    6. SKSadia Khan18:36

       They are, but sometimes they don't know if you are there because you love them or you're seeking their approval.

    7. JSJay Shetty18:41

       Right.

    8. SKSadia Khan18:41

       And a lot of people, sometimes they are approval-seeking, and mask that through helping. They will help that person financially, help that person with every single problem that they have. But there's an unconscious contract that the more I help you, the more you will love me in return. And sometimes we can see through it when it's not genuine, and when that person can see through that this was all done with a contract assigned to it, that one day you will then be loyal, loving, and committed to me, they didn't agree to sign that contract. So when they're healed, they can become ungrateful to the person that helped them.

    9. JSJay Shetty19:11

       Oh, that's ... Yeah, that makes so much sense.

    10. SKSadia Khan19:12

        Yeah.

    11. JSJay Shetty19:12

        That makes-

    12. SKSadia Khan19:12

        So it just depends what the unconscious contract is when you're helping people.

    13. JSJay Shetty19:15

        I love that unconscious contract. Yeah, you're so right that if you're doing it just to say, "Look, I was there for you"

    14. SKSadia Khan19:21

        [laughs] Yeah.

    15. JSJay Shetty19:21

        "I was there the whole time. You should love me more now," people sense

12. 19:25 – 21:12

    How to Show Love Without Seeking Approval

    1. JSJay Shetty19:25

       that.

    2. SKSadia Khan19:25

       People sense that.

    3. JSJay Shetty19:26

       How do you communicate to someone that you're there for the right reasons?

    4. SKSadia Khan19:29

       That you have those boundaries. So y- how you communicate, 'cause I suffer from that as well. I like to be super, super helpful, because then I'm like, "I'm, I'm so irreplaceable. If I do all of these things, I'm so irreplaceable."

    5. JSJay Shetty19:38

       Right.

    6. SKSadia Khan19:39

       But the ... And I, there's unconscious ego attached to that. It's like, "Look how wonderful I am, because I saw you through all your financial woes, and all this stuff." But really, the best way to communicate that you're there for love and not for approval is that you still have deal breakers. Where people go wrong is that they are literally a doormat. There's nothing you can do that will make them ever leave. Whereas where you're still loving, but you're not pro- approval seeking is there's a limit to how much you can take, and if there's not at least gratitude, respect, honor, and loyalty, you will leave. Whereas if you have no deal breakers whatsoever, and you're just consistently loving this person who is just taking from you, it signals low self-esteem to that person, and it signals a- an incorrect attachment.

    7. JSJay Shetty20:19

       You know what? I love talking to you, because there's just, everything you're talking about is, like, getting into the real, like, nuance.

    8. SKSadia Khan20:25

       [laughs]

    9. JSJay Shetty20:25

       Like, there's this gray layer of in between of all these ideas.

    10. SKSadia Khan20:29

        Mm.

    11. JSJay Shetty20:30

        And that's really what makes all the difference.

    12. SKSadia Khan20:32

        If you ever wanna prevent yourself from getting cheated on, it's not so much that you have to spot the red flags in the other person. Sometimes you can become a person who never gets cheated on. No matter what relationship you go in, you can become i- immunized to it. It's really difficult for the woman with good intentions to find a man in this day and age. The woman that's not prepared to lead sexually, and l- uh, uh, lead with that, she finds herself being overlooked by the women that are. The men that are pushed into commitment tend to resent their partners for making them a married man. They get angry at small signs of intimacy. They get annoyed that they have to be loving to you. They get annoyed that they have to check in with you every day, and tell you what time they're coming home, and what time dinner's gonna be ready. They resent the patterns of being married.

13. 21:12 – 24:55

    The Real Reason Women Cheat on Good Men

    1. JSJay Shetty21:12

       As I'm listening to you, the question that's coming to my mind is, we all seem to think we know why men cheat on women. Why do women cheat on men?

    2. SKSadia Khan21:21

       I've gotten in a lot of trouble for saying this in the past, and I'll say it again. Usually, in my experience of when women cheat on men, it's not so much that, you know, he's done something toxic. I've met women who are in toxic relationships, and stayed loyal the whole time. It's simply when he lacks masculinity, they are most likely to cheat. I don't actually see women often cheating on a toxic man. They're actually quite loyal to him. They're more likely to cheat on the man that is too passive, too naive, and too people-pleasing. And the reason for that is because there's something about that man that is so soft, so naive, that makes her lose sexual attraction. Something about the fact that he can't spot red flags, something about the fact that he believes everything, he doesn't question anything, he's afraid to assert his boundaries, makes a woman crave somebody with a bit more masculinity. So it's not so much that they're cheating on him because he's so bad to her, 'cause I've meet so many women saying, "He's a wonderful man. He treats me really, really well. I'm just not in love with him." And usually the reason why she's not in love with him is because they, he's not protective enough. And what, uh, uh, some men will provide, but what we mean by protective is she might be out all day with her ex-boyfriend, and he won't get protective, and say, "Hey, babe, look, no, I don't feel comfortable." Or she might be doing, you know, disrespect to him, or anything like that, and he doesn't stand up for himself. And in those moments, when a man doesn't stand up for himself, she loses that respect, and then she crosses new boundaries. 'Cause mainly she believes he will stay regardless. And when we give our partners the belief that regardless of how you behave, I will forgive and maintain consistent, I will love you regardless, we think we're showing them unconditional love, but what they'll end up doing is thinking that we are going to tolerate unconditional disrespect, and they end up just pushing our boundaries more and more.

    3. JSJay Shetty23:07

       So what does he do?

    4. SKSadia Khan23:08

       So what he does is make sure he's aware of when he's being disrespected. And we naturally, human beings in general, and I think this is men and women, if you ever wanna prevent yourself from getting cheated on, it's not so much that you have to spot the red flags in the other person. Sometimes you can become a person who never gets cheated on. No matter what relationship you go in, you can become i- immunized to it. And the way to become immunized to b- being cheated on is, number one, understanding your partner's true needs, understanding what they actually need in a relationship, and asking yourself, "Can I commit to that?" So some people will be in a relationship with somebody who's got a really high sex drive. They just can't meet that need. If you know you can't, at some point that relationship's gonna suffer. Or sometimes you might meet a partner who really needs financial support, and you can't meet that need. At some point, that relationship will break down. So understand your partner's true needs. The second thing is knowing that if they did cheat on you, you would leave. If you give the signals to your partner that you wouldn't leave, no matter what they do, and you don't meet the needs of each other, chances are that relationship will end in infidelity. But if you meet each other's needs, and you have a rule, both of you have a particular rule, like, "If it did happen, I'm going to leave, there's no two ways about it," chances are your partner won't take that risk. They only take that risk when they believe unconsciously you're gonna re- accept their behavior regardless of what they do. And the signals of that come earlier on. So it might be early signals that you catch that they're still on Tinder. You forgive them. You go through their phone. You find that they're still talking to other people. You forgive them. You forgive the footsteps too many times. I'm not saying you become toxic and don't forgive anything, but you let them know that, "This behavior, it's not something I tolerate. You can do it, no problem, but I'm not gonna stick around for it." When they learn that you mean what you say, they'll naturally, naturally improve. But if they see that you make a big hoo-ha, you scream and shout, but you actually tolerate more and more disrespect, you give them the signal that you'll accept any behavior, and they start taking more risks if it's the wrong person.

14. 24:55 – 26:14

    How to Teach Others How to Treat You

    1. JSJay Shetty24:55

       What happens when someone isNot in an abusive way, but they are disrespecting you

    2. SKSadia Khan25:00

       Mm-hmm

    3. JSJay Shetty25:01

       You make them aware that they're disrespecting you

    4. SKSadia Khan25:03

       Mm-hmm

    5. JSJay Shetty25:04

       In a assertive way

    6. SKSadia Khan25:06

       Mm-hmm

    7. JSJay Shetty25:06

       But they keep doing it. What do you do?

    8. SKSadia Khan25:09

       When you can't change others, you have to change yourself, and the only thing you can do is withdraw and remove access. Unfortunately, that's the only way to teach people how to treat you correctly, is you remove the perks of being with you. And if they don't, if they ... And some people are scared to do that 'cause they worry, "Then I'll lose them." But you'll lose a person who's gonna continuously get more disrespectful.

    9. JSJay Shetty25:28

       We're so scared of being alone-

    10. SKSadia Khan25:31

        Yeah

    11. JSJay Shetty25:32

        ... and we're so scared of not being with someone-

    12. SKSadia Khan25:34

        Mm-hmm

    13. JSJay Shetty25:35

        ... that I think we continue to accept that disrespect.

    14. SKSadia Khan25:38

        I know.

    15. JSJay Shetty25:38

        Right?

    16. SKSadia Khan25:38

        But sometimes it's more lonely staying with the wrong person. And this is why I think having a good social network is as important as having a good, healthy relationship. A healthy relationship a- with, uh, without a social network will lead to codependency. But w- your social network is so, so important because it, what it does is as the relationship starts to fall apart, that fear of walking away when you need to is lessened. But when you don't have a social net- network, as that relationship starts to fall apart, you will s- tolerate more and more abuse because you're just so afraid of being alone, which we all are. We all are, but having a good social network acts as a buffer for that.

15. 26:14 – 32:45

    The Three A’s Every Woman Needs to Fall in Love

    1. JSJay Shetty26:14

       Yeah. I mean, when I'm, when I'm listening to you talk about the type of man that women want-

    2. SKSadia Khan26:19

       Mm-hmm

    3. JSJay Shetty26:19

       ... and the fact that if he's too much of a pushover, too sensitive, too much of a, you know, walkover-

    4. SKSadia Khan26:24

       Yeah

    5. JSJay Shetty26:25

       ... they lose respect.

    6. SKSadia Khan26:26

       They-

    7. JSJay Shetty26:26

       They may cheat.

    8. SKSadia Khan26:27

       They may cheat. And, and from my work, what I've noticed is women fall in love in three stages, and if any of those stages are missing, the relationship will either break down very quickly, or it'll break down very slowly, but it will break down. And I call it the three A’s, and I have, like, a program on it. The first thing is women have to be truly attracted to their man in order for the relationship to actually turn into love at some stage. Uh, there has to be physical attraction. Because naturally that fades with time and, uh, you know, with sp- so much familiarity, if we don't have that to begin with, it can become very difficult to start a romantic relationship. This is why so- we have so many friends, so many male friends, because if we're not truly attracted to him, even if he's wonderful, we can't start a romantic relationship. So I always say it starts with attraction. The second s- stage for a woman to truly fall in love with a man, she has to admire who she, he is. And what that means is, with or without her influence, he's just a man that she admires. He's got a great job. He's got a good network of friends. He's, uh, he's g- got lots of self-control. He's not an addict, and he's not addicted. He's got good level of self-control in terms of money, his body. His sexual behavior is not all over the place. So she truly admires him. And then once she's attracted and admires him, then she needs adoration from him. He needs to show her, adore her, reassure her, all of those things. If she gets all three of those, chances are that relationship won't break down. But if any of those are missing, maybe he adores her, absolutely adores her, but she's not truly attracted to him, at some stage the relationship will break down because that adore- adoration will feel like neediness. Or let's say, for example, she's truly attracted to him, and he's giving her lots of reassurance, but he's not an admirable man. There's ... He's not working. He's not achieving. He's not doing a lot. Even though she might love him, and it might be a slow breakdown, but at some stage she'll need someone she can admire, particularly when she has children. So without those three ingredients, I don't think women realize this, but if any of those are missing, they will, at some stage, lose interest.

    9. JSJay Shetty28:12

       That's a great three-step formula, and I think so much of the time we get so hooked on the attraction part-

    10. SKSadia Khan28:20

        Yes. Yeah

    11. JSJay Shetty28:21

        ... that we overvalue it compared to the other two.

    12. SKSadia Khan28:24

        Mm.

    13. JSJay Shetty28:24

        So if he's not six foot four-

    14. SKSadia Khan28:25

        Mm

    15. JSJay Shetty28:26

        ... and he's not got, you know, a particular colored hair or eyes-

    16. SKSadia Khan28:31

        [laughs]

    17. JSJay Shetty28:31

        ... whatever it is, right?

    18. SKSadia Khan28:32

        Yeah.

    19. JSJay Shetty28:32

        Like, the, the physical appearance-

    20. SKSadia Khan28:34

        Yeah

    21. JSJay Shetty28:34

        ... becomes so much more overvalued than the other two.

    22. SKSadia Khan28:37

        Yeah.

    23. JSJay Shetty28:37

        Or the admiration piece-

    24. SKSadia Khan28:39

        Yeah

    25. JSJay Shetty28:39

        ... becomes so overvalued. So if he's not making enough money-

    26. SKSadia Khan28:42

        Mm

    27. JSJay Shetty28:42

        ... he's not ... How do you kind of look at them as, are they equal? Are they overvalued?

    28. SKSadia Khan28:47

        They're, they're actually equal.

    29. JSJay Shetty28:48

        E-

    30. SKSadia Khan28:49

        They're actually equal. If you have lots of physical attraction, you admire him lots, but he's not showing you any admiration, that will literally turn into a toxic relationship. You'll be begging for hugs and kisses, and he won't give it to you. You'll be begging for him to give you compliments. He won't give it to you. But you won't ... You'll be stuck because you're like, "I know he's a good man." So many women come to me and say-
16. 32:45 – 36:10

    The Three L’s Every Man Needs to Stay in Love

    1. JSJay Shetty32:45

       So those are the three A’s for women.

    2. SKSadia Khan32:47

       Yeah.

    3. JSJay Shetty32:47

       What about for men?

    4. SKSadia Khan32:48

       It's the three L’s I call it for men. The first one is they do need some lust. I know it sounds really shallow, but if they're not sexually attracted to you, no matter how wonderful you are, no matter what the relationship is like, especially in this day and age where they're saturated with porn, they will shift their attention elsewhere. So there has to be some level of lust. And what I mean by lust is they're attracted to you, but there's sexual connect- connection between, the synergy in that area. The second thing, and I think men don't realize this, is that we actually need s- they need some labor invested in their partner. And what I mean by that is emotional and financial labor invested in their partner. Some men will think, "Oh, she's, she's successful. She doesn't need any financial investment," or, "She doesn't need any emotional. She's strong." They just need it. The moment they invest in a woman, they're more likely to see that relationship go through. If he's not taking her anywhere, not doing anything for her, if the relationship ends, he's not bothered. But if he was invested in her, he's taken her, uh, places, he's bought a few things, he's done, he's invested emotionally and financially to her, he's more likely to wanna see that relationship work out. And the final thing is the loyalty. If they don't become loyal, and the woman, and there's no loyalty in that relationship, and they've got their options open, they're not truly in love. They need those three things in order for them to truly be in love. They need to firstly lust, have some lust, put some labor into that relationship, and then they need to be loyal. If they say that, "I'm in love with you, but I'm not loyal," truly they're missing something. They either gotta-

    5. JSJay Shetty34:07

       And they need to feel loyalty back.

    6. SKSadia Khan34:08

       They need, uh, they need it reciprocated. If you're not loyal to them, and they still love you, that's actually, they're stuck in the lust stage. They need reciprocated loyalty in order for it to be truly a healthy relationship, and then they're, they're fine after that. [laughs]

    7. JSJay Shetty34:20

       [laughs] You know what I'm saying? Yeah, they're fine.

    8. SKSadia Khan34:22

       They're like, "We don't care about them."

    9. JSJay Shetty34:23

       They'll be all right.

    10. SKSadia Khan34:24

        [laughs] They'll be fine.

    11. JSJay Shetty34:25

        Yeah.

    12. SKSadia Khan34:25

        Yeah.

    13. JSJay Shetty34:25

        But no, no, it, it, it makes a lot of sense. I'm, I'm thinking about just, I feel like you've totally reframed what people should be looking for.

    14. SKSadia Khan34:33

        But I, can I, can I ask you though, because I might be wrong. For a man's perspective, is that, is that correct or not really? Is there something that you would say that we, you need a little bit more or less of?

    15. JSJay Shetty34:42

        Let me think on that.

    16. SKSadia Khan34:42

        Yeah.

    17. JSJay Shetty34:42

        It's a great question.

    18. SKSadia Khan34:44

        Because what I'm trying to say is that the ... Because sometimes I meet men, and they meet a wonderful woman. They've put a lot of energy, invested a lot into her. They're very loyal to each other. But because there's no attraction left-

    19. JSJay Shetty34:53

        They have to attract. Of course

    20. SKSadia Khan34:54

        ... they, they turn to pornography too much.

    21. JSJay Shetty34:56

        Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, of course.

    22. SKSadia Khan34:56

        And that is a very slippery slope. And I, I, I, that's why a little bit, they need some lust in there first and foremost before those other, uh, properties can be valued in a woman.

    23. JSJay Shetty35:07

        Well, I mean, it goes back to what we were saying earlier. You told us why women cheat.

    24. SKSadia Khan35:10

        Yeah.

    25. JSJay Shetty35:11

        This is why men cheat.

    26. SKSadia Khan35:12

        Yeah.

    27. JSJay Shetty35:12

        Right? Like, so-

    28. SKSadia Khan35:12

        Unfortunately, it's a big factor. And I, I, you know, I know we like to think that people cheat simply because they're narcissists and simply because they're like that. There are some men that come that way. There are some men that genuinely, no matter who they're with, no matter what the relationship is, they're too broken to be faithful. They feel uncomfortable being faithful. They're gonna cheat on everyone. But a lot of the time, they are deprived of intimacy. Yeah? Either because they've, they just didn't choose a woman that was attracted to them to begin with, or they ruin the intimacy by inviting too much pornography or alternatives into the relationship, and now they've got no intimacy left with their partner. But when they do lose the intimacy, they lose the, the motivation to be loyal. They think it, they're more likely to be loyal to a woman that gives them good intimacy than a woman that gives them a good life because they think why-- Their motivation to be loyal decreases as their sexual intimacy dies in their relationship, so they're more likely to be open to it. So I always tell people, try and guard your marriage by embedding the intimacy in it as regularly as you can.

    29. JSJay Shetty36:08

        No, I think you've hit the core

17. 36:10 – 37:49

    How to Avoid Being Just a Temporary Fling

    1. JSJay Shetty36:11

       root things that people are looking for, and how they show up is always different.

    2. SKSadia Khan36:14

       Yes. Yeah.

    3. JSJay Shetty36:15

       Right? And, and I think that's why I was saying earlier, it feels like you've hit the core-

    4. SKSadia Khan36:19

       [laughs]

    5. JSJay Shetty36:19

       ... at the root of what's needed.

    6. SKSadia Khan36:21

       Trying to.

    7. JSJay Shetty36:21

       I don't think you've missed anything. I'm just sitting with it. But I think anything that I would say are only things that are part of those.

    8. SKSadia Khan36:29

       Part of those, yeah.

    9. JSJay Shetty36:30

       Like, for example, you know, the loyalty piece includes respect.

    10. SKSadia Khan36:34

        Yeah.

    11. JSJay Shetty36:34

        Like, both people are looking-

    12. SKSadia Khan36:35

        Mm

    13. JSJay Shetty36:36

        ... for respect. I think that the-Loyalty, please, includes, like, they believe in your goals-

    14. SKSadia Khan36:42

        Yeah

    15. JSJay Shetty36:42

        ... and you believe in theirs. Like, there's, there's root causes you've found-

    16. SKSadia Khan36:45

        And I think sometimes as women, we can remove the labor part, uh, hoping that he will think that we're so low maintenance, he won't put any investment in us-

    17. JSJay Shetty36:52

        Interesting

    18. SKSadia Khan36:52

        ... we'll be so easy. We become the hookup girl. So what I mean by that is if we remove his ability to put labor into us, he's ... We don't say to him, like, "Let's go on dates." We don't say like, "Look, when are we getting married?" There's no emotion. We don't burden him with any problems. And we think, "No, no, let's just be cool." We think that being cool will eventually he'll lead to us commitment, and he'll become loyal to us. Actually, he has to put the labor in in order for us to see, uh, see as something worth being loyal to. So if we deprive them of that, we actually are enhancing the chances of us just being a hookup short-term fling.

    19. JSJay Shetty37:22

        Yeah.

    20. SKSadia Khan37:22

        You know?

    21. JSJay Shetty37:22

        That's how you avoid being the fling.

    22. SKSadia Khan37:23

        Avoid being the fling is the making it so easy for them. And I know it's so tempting because sometimes you're thinking, "He's such a lovely guy. Really attracted to him, and if I s- insist on a few dates or if I, if I insist on, like, maybe going away together, maybe I'll lose him." But you'll only lose people who are not willing to invest in you anyway. So unfortunately, being too easy, it can work. I'm not saying it never works, but at the same time, it doesn't motivate them in any way, shape, or form to actually make this serious because they've got it so easy.

18. 37:49 – 40:42

    Why the Person You Date Isn’t Always the One You Marry

    1. JSJay Shetty37:49

       What's the difference between the woman a man dates-

    2. SKSadia Khan37:52

       Mm-hmm

    3. JSJay Shetty37:52

       ... and the woman a man marries?

    4. SKSadia Khan37:54

       I would say the key difference is the element of stability and responsibility. And what I mean by that is being with a man who is super social, who's a big drinker, and has got all these friends and busy all day every day, and got this amazing life is great for dates. You get to go on great vacations with him. You get to go to re- nice restaurants, and so on and so forth. But when we get ... When it comes to getting married, if you don't look for a man with a lot of self-control, you will really suffer. And what I mean by this is that he needs to have self-control in terms of his sexual discipline. He needs self-control in terms of what he puts into his body, even the food he eats, everything, and he needs self-control when it comes to his money. If in those areas, he's got no self-control, for dating, no problem. It doesn't matter, yeah? He can be sexually wild. He can spend all his money, no problem. You can enjoy a great life. When you marry a man like that, every day is anxiety. Every single day is anxiety because his lack of self-control will lead to a lack of self-respect, and as a result, he'll have such low self-esteem that you can't trust him to make decisions. But men with lots of self-control, you can trust that they make great decisions. You can trust their judgment, and you can finally start a family or start your goals, but you can't do that with men who have got no self-control.

    5. JSJay Shetty38:59

       Do you know what the amazing thing is? That I, as I was listening to you, I was thinking about, like, men don't learn that anywhere.

    6. SKSadia Khan39:04

       No, they don't.

    7. JSJay Shetty39:05

       It's so hard.

    8. SKSadia Khan39:06

       Yeah.

    9. JSJay Shetty39:06

       Like, if I never lived as a monk-

    10. SKSadia Khan39:07

        Mm-hmm

    11. JSJay Shetty39:08

        ... I wouldn't have any self-control.

    12. SKSadia Khan39:09

        What was your biggest lesson of, of living with monks?

    13. JSJay Shetty39:11

        I mean, a big part of it is self-control.

    14. SKSadia Khan39:13

        It's-

    15. JSJay Shetty39:13

        Like, you don't, you don't ... You eat what you're given.

    16. SKSadia Khan39:15

        Mm-hmm.

    17. JSJay Shetty39:16

        You're celibate while you're there.

    18. SKSadia Khan39:17

        Mm-hmm.

    19. JSJay Shetty39:18

        There's complete focus and determination on the path, and so there were so many amazing mental mastery tools that I gained in terms of discipline-

    20. SKSadia Khan39:29

        Yeah

    21. JSJay Shetty39:29

        ... and organization that I don't know where else I would've learned them.

    22. SKSadia Khan39:32

        Can you excel as a man without self-control, do you think?

    23. JSJay Shetty39:35

        I don't think so.

    24. SKSadia Khan39:35

        It's an impossibility, isn't it?

    25. JSJay Shetty39:37

        Yeah.

    26. SKSadia Khan39:37

        Yeah.

    27. JSJay Shetty39:37

        No, that's why I love what you're saying.

    28. SKSadia Khan39:38

        Yeah, so.

    29. JSJay Shetty39:39

        I just feel bad-

    30. SKSadia Khan39:40

        Mm
19. 40:42 – 42:29

    Sexual Discipline: Why It’s Essential for Self-Respect

    1. JSJay Shetty40:42

       As I'm listening to you, I'm just sitting here thinking how much there is a need in helping men realize-

    2. SKSadia Khan40:49

       Mm-hmm

    3. JSJay Shetty40:49

       ... that mental mastery, sense control, discipline are-

    4. SKSadia Khan40:53

       Mm

    5. JSJay Shetty40:53

       ... what's gonna find the right person. But I think the problem is men also believe that if they're the life of the party-

    6. SKSadia Khan40:59

       Mm-hmm

    7. JSJay Shetty41:00

       ... if they're the big spender-

    8. SKSadia Khan41:02

       Mm

    9. JSJay Shetty41:02

       ... if they're the big guy at the pa- that's what's gonna attract the right person.

    10. SKSadia Khan41:06

        It will attract a chaotic person.

    11. JSJay Shetty41:08

        Yeah.

    12. SKSadia Khan41:08

        There are women, lots of women, that will like that. There are lots and lots of women that will like that you're a big spender, you're spending on bottles, you're going drinking all night, and you're the life and soul of the party, but it will attract women who want a fast lifestyle and probably don't wanna invest in you. They're probably not gonna be there when you're suffering, and you're on a downward sp- spiral. My, my reason I'm so strict on men when it comes to self-discipline, and sexual discipline in particular, is we live in a time where men don't really get a say in when a baby's born. It's not really up to them if that child stays or not. Women have the right ... I, I don't know what it's like in America, but usually we get to control if we wanna keep the baby or don't wanna keep the baby, and as a result, we get some autonomy. If we, the w- if it's the wrong man, perfect. We don't have to suffer the consequences. But with men, if you get the wrong person, and you don't have a good relationship, and then you bring children into that mix, you create a generation of broken children, and you are more responsible for that. Yeah, because you have to be more careful than women do because we still have autonomy. We can get rid of a child if we need to. You can't really have that much say in it. So you have to be so disciplined with who you are laying down with, and if you rui- I know men who've ruined their families just because they couldn't control themselves sexually, or just 'cause they couldn't have that wrong, right conversation with their wife and say, "Look, I'm missing the intimacy. Maybe we should just part." Instead, they just light a flame into their own home, and then suffer the consequences. So sexual discipline is a really, really important one for men, followed by financial discipline, and then of course in terms of your food and your health and stuff like that I think is really important.

20. 42:29 – 45:15

    What True Psychological Intimacy Really Looks Like

    1. JSJay Shetty42:29

       What's your take on, uh, women sleeping with men too early?

    2. SKSadia Khan42:32

       I think it's really difficult for women because a lot of women do wanna preserve themselves. They don't wanna jump into sleeping with men so early, but what they're finding in this day and age is if they don't lead with that, the men don't even wanna know them anymore. Men have no longer wanted to invest in getting to know them psychologically or anything like that. So they're almost stuck between, "Am I just gonna stay lonely forever, or do I end up just sleeping with men who I'm not even that keen on, but I have to stay in the game?" So they are really stuck, but what I would say is try not to accelerate your physical intimacy above the psychological intimacy. You can sleep with him that same day, but if you've really had strong s- uh, psychological intimacy, you know where you two are going, you are in a good place with each other, do whatever you want. But if you don't have that, all the sex will do is enhance your own insecurities, enhance your own anxieties about the relationship, and then it will leave you dampened into the dating market when you go back into it, and negativity with the new man and the new m- So it just lowers your own self-esteem. So try and accelerate the psychological intimacy first.

    3. JSJay Shetty43:29

       How would you define psychological intimacy versusLike we're just excited by being together

    4. SKSadia Khan43:35

       Chemistry.

    5. JSJay Shetty43:35

       Yeah.

    6. SKSadia Khan43:36

       Yeah, it's difficult. Chemistry is how much you're enjoying the, uh, the person's company. You can have great chemistry with everybody. Um, psychological intimacy is how much you're similar in your goals and values. So how similar ... I can enjoy the company of somebody really easily, and that is not a problem. But you might realize that they're still, you know, they're still partying a lot, maybe they're still on drugs, maybe they're doing that. But psychological intimacy is, do we have the same vision of where we see ourselves in five, six, 10 years' time, and are we both aligned in the values that will take us there? And if we've got an alignment, you're probably quite intimate. If you haven't got an alignment, you can enjoy them, but chances are it won't be a long-lasting relationship.

    7. JSJay Shetty44:11

       I like the idea that physical intimacy should follow the pace-

    8. SKSadia Khan44:15

       Mm-hmm

    9. JSJay Shetty44:15

       ... of psychological intimacy.

    10. SKSadia Khan44:16

        Yeah. Mm-hmm.

    11. JSJay Shetty44:17

        Because then there's actual closeness.

    12. SKSadia Khan44:19

        Yeah.

    13. JSJay Shetty44:20

        And you're not using physical closeness as a substitute-

    14. SKSadia Khan44:24

        Mm-hmm

    15. JSJay Shetty44:24

        ... for actually having a deeper, meaningful connection.

    16. SKSadia Khan44:26

        And a lot of people do that.

    17. JSJay Shetty44:27

        Yeah.

    18. SKSadia Khan44:27

        Sometimes they got w- with somebody, they're so psych- physically intimate, and then they're discovering things that they have nothing in common with each other. But because they've now slept together, they're kind of prolonging this relationship longer than it needs to. It's almost like dragging a dead horse. So if they can accelerate, and I know it's difficult because i- it's hard competing with men that push for it or, you know, we're living in a world where men will ask for pictures straight away and stuff like that. So it's hard for the woman that is ... And I always say this, it's really difficult for the woman with good intentions to find a man in this day and age. The woman that's not prepared to lead sexually, and l- uh, or lead with that, she finds herself being overlooked by the women that are. And so, and a bit like some men, they're not, maybe they don't wanna lead with finances, uh, but they find themselves being overlooked. So the people who are actually going into relationships with the correct intentions are finding it the most difficult.

    19. JSJay Shetty45:13

        Yeah, it's hard, isn't it?

    20. SKSadia Khan45:13

        And it is so hard for them.

21. 45:15 – 46:10

    Lowering Your Standards May Cost You More Than You Think

    1. SKSadia Khan45:15

       Bless them.

    2. JSJay Shetty45:15

       And, and you shouldn't lower your standards.

    3. SKSadia Khan45:17

       You shouldn't, and but I can see why people do. I don't wanna be judgemental because I can completely understand. I don't know what it's like to be single in this day and age, and I can imagine s- at some point, you're just like, "If I keep having these high standards, I'm never gonna meet somebody." What I would say is keep your intrinsic standards high and your extrinsic ones low. And what I mean by that is keep your standards of how you like to be treated emotionally really high. Do you like texts back? Do you like, uh, uh, labels? Do you like regular dates? Keep that high. Or regular time together, doesn't even have to be dates. Keep that high, but keep your extrinsic values, like does he take me on holidays, is he gonna buy me this, has he got, sent me flowers, keep those low. They're, they're not relevant in the long run.

    4. JSJay Shetty45:53

       Everything you're saying is, in my opinion, is spot on. It's, it's such great advice, and I really hope everyone who's listening is taking notes.

    5. SKSadia Khan46:00

       [laughs]

    6. JSJay Shetty46:00

       Because there's so much that you're sharing that I think you're so clear in your approach.

    7. SKSadia Khan46:06

       Mm-hmm.

    8. JSJay Shetty46:07

       I think it's really practical.

    9. SKSadia Khan46:08

       Mm-hmm.

    10. JSJay Shetty46:08

        I think it will connect.

22. 46:10 – 48:59

    Is Getting Cheated On Ever Partly Your Fault?

    1. JSJay Shetty46:10

       But I've heard you say before that if someone cheats on you-

    2. SKSadia Khan46:12

       Yeah

    3. JSJay Shetty46:13

       ... it's partly your fault.

    4. SKSadia Khan46:14

       I do say that.

    5. JSJay Shetty46:15

       And I wanted to hear your take on that-

    6. SKSadia Khan46:16

       I really say that

    7. JSJay Shetty46:17

       ... to understand that.

    8. SKSadia Khan46:17

       Yeah, I know that sounds terrible, and I say this particularly with m- m, you know, men especially. I'm like, "It's always your own fault." And the reason I say that is most cheaters come with smoking guns on the first date. There's always some signal that their behavior was not transparent. And whenever you catch them cheating, usually as soon as they say, "I always knew because from day one they were like this." There was a ... And I always say people usually don't lie. They might say lies, but they show you their red flags pretty much from day one. And it might have been that they were in a relationship when you met them, or it might have been that you caught them in a few lies when you first got with them. You would've caught some signs that this person is capable of deeper lies. And when we ... I'm not saying you should always look for the bad, but when we keep ignoring poor behavior, what ends up happening is we are becoming distant from the truth. We are going into denial. I actually don't have a pro- Even if your partner is cheating, no problem. You have to have radical, radical relationship with the truth. And there are some women out there that are mistresses. They're so happy in that role because they know the truth. They know that he goes there, spends time with his wife, I'll see him when I see him. Truth is really important. So the more you align yourself with truth, the more you won't actually get blindsided. But when you start missing red flags again and again, you haven't been intimate in months, nobody, and somebody's not coming home on time, nothing's adding up, and you keep making excuses, unfortunately, we create the environment for these types of people to flourish. It's almost better that you protect your own home and protect your own sanity. Mm, doesn't mean you become accusatory, but you know that your treatment is not what you're, what you appreciate. And if they continue like that, they don't have to cheat. Their behavior is enough for you to start setting a boundary, and the behavior is ... You don't need ... S- 'cause some cheaters will say, "Well, you can't prove anything." Cheaters will always want you to fi- catch them red-handed. You as the person should say, "I don't need red-handed evidence. I can see your behavior's not treating me rightly." Stop them there before they get to the point where they're disrespecting you more and more.

    9. JSJay Shetty48:07

       That's where the gaslighting comes in, right?

    10. SKSadia Khan48:08

        Yeah.

    11. JSJay Shetty48:09

        It's where people get-

    12. SKSadia Khan48:09

        That's where the gaslighting is

    13. JSJay Shetty48:10

        ... yeah, people get gaslit.

    14. SKSadia Khan48:11

        They do get gaslighted really heavily, and this is, uh, even as a psychologist, I know, you know when I'm, as a therapist, and this is where I have to be a lot more empathetic because I've had clients there that were like, "She keeps accusing me," and they're so, like, convincing that I'm like, "You need to stop accusing him. I don't..." And then she'll say, say to me afterwards, "I found out he was having an affair the whole time." So the gaslighting is very, very real, but the feeling they give you is always true. So they'll lie to you. What, their words, their lips will be low, but your feeling, that gut instinct that something's not right or they're lying to you, try and pay attention to that. And even if you never get evidence, that feeling, it is partly your partner's re- uh, responsibility to help soothe those anxieties, not make them worse. So fo- if you have that feeling, and they're just like, "Babe, like, whatever you need, like, to make you feel better, I have no problem. I've got nothing to hide." But if they get less and less transparent, try and pay attention to that.

23. 48:59 – 50:13

    How to Recognize When You’re Being Disrespected

    1. JSJay Shetty48:59

       What I'm hearing from you is if you pay attention to the signs that you're seeing-

    2. SKSadia Khan49:04

       Mm-hmm

    3. JSJay Shetty49:04

       ... you don't let yourself be in a position where you're taken advantage of.

    4. SKSadia Khan49:08

       That's what I'm saying. I'm saying know your partner better than they know themselves, so the moment they start changing, you spot it quicker than they can. And so, and I'm sure you have this with Radhi, where you probably know her so, so well, that it would be difficult for her to have a double life without you. You'd know her behaviors, the way she moves, or how she talks, how she kisses you, everything. You pay close attention. When you pay so much attention to your partner, it's quite difficult for them to live a whole double s- life without you catching on. So try and stay attuned as much as you can.

    5. JSJay Shetty49:34

       Yeah, every relationship has a rhythm, it has a pattern.

    6. SKSadia Khan49:36

       Yeah.

    7. JSJay Shetty49:37

       And when the pattern's off, you check in.

    8. SKSadia Khan49:38

       Mm-hmm.

    9. JSJay Shetty49:39

       I think one of the things I see in relationships struggling, especially as they get longer term, is we don't recommit.

    10. SKSadia Khan49:45

        Mm-hmm.

    11. JSJay Shetty49:46

        So life changes.

    12. SKSadia Khan49:47

        Mm-hmm.

    13. JSJay Shetty49:47

        Right? Me and Radhi had a dating life. When we got married, we had to recommit to a different way of living.

    14. SKSadia Khan49:52

        Yeah. [laughs]

    15. JSJay Shetty49:52

        When we got married, then we lived in New York. We had to recommit to a different way of living. We moved to LA, different way of living.It's almost like I've dated so many different people in Radhi.

    16. SKSadia Khan50:02

        Yeah.

    17. JSJay Shetty50:02

        As in she's evolved, she's changed. And, and same back at me probably-

    18. SKSadia Khan50:06

        Yeah

    19. JSJay Shetty50:06

        ... to some degree. But I think we don't like it when our partner changes.

    20. SKSadia Khan50:09

        Yeah.

    21. JSJay Shetty50:10

        And we almost want them to stay the same, or I've,

24. 50:13 – 52:45

    Are You Loyal to the Marriage or Just the Person?

    1. JSJay Shetty50:13

       I've heard maybe you say before that we almost want our ... The guy wants the woman to never change-

    2. SKSadia Khan50:19

       Yeah

    3. JSJay Shetty50:20

       ... and the woman wants the man to change.

    4. SKSadia Khan50:22

       [laughs] Yeah.

    5. JSJay Shetty50:22

       Right?

    6. SKSadia Khan50:22

       That's the problem. I, look, one thing I say is that some men are committed to their marriage, and what that means is they're committed to that woman. As she changes, as they changes, they commit to each other. They're loyal to the person that they f- they married, and they will stay loyal forever. Some men are just loyal to the woman they fell in love with. As long as she stays exactly like the person they met, they'll stay loyal. When she starts to change, they'll get more and more disloyal because they don't accept change. You just have to decide what type of person are you are. Are you deciding to commit to the marriage? And actually, what that means is following them through their evolution, getting to know them at every stage, and staying loyal throughout it. But if you're somebody who's just committed to the person you fell in love with, the moment that person starts to change, which they inevitably will, your eyes will start to wander. So it might be good to have that conversation with each other, which one are we, and can we try and shift to being loyal to the marriage rather than just each other so that we can help each other evolve and remain consistent while we do change?

    7. JSJay Shetty51:16

       What can a woman do to make sure a man doesn't cheat on her?

    8. SKSadia Khan51:19

       Have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected. That's all it really takes. When men know that you will always be there for them, you're their ride or die, you accept any kinda disrespect. They've been abusive, you accept it. They've been coming home late, you accept it. They are talking to other people, you accept it, and you always make excuses for them. I know you love him, and I know your love is unconditional, but respect shouldn't be unconditional. Yeah, it's, you shouldn't be treated disrespectfully regardless of that behavior. And when ... And, and I know human behavior. We should appreciate the person that is loyal to us. We should appreciate the person who loves us regardless. We just don't. I, unfortunately, we just don't. So when they see that your love is totally unconditional, they will start abusing that love that you have for them. But when they learn that you love them, you're very loyal to them, you care about them, but that doesn't give them a license to abuse you or hurt you, then they are more likely to stay in line. So I think the thing that prevents them from truly cheating is knowing that you have a willingness to, uh, walk away, and you don't tolerate this level of disrespect. They start to show you a bit more respect, and I've noticed so many men who have cheated on their wives, and they were, felt no guilt, zero guilt. The moment she filed for divorce, they were besides themselves. So for the year that they were cheating, they were having the time of their life. The day she filed for divorce, they're besides themselves, crying hysterically because they, at some point, unconscious level, they thought she would never actually do that. The day she did that is when the realization all sunk in. So when the person knows that you're not too afraid to take that route, they're more likely to be respectful.

    9. JSJay Shetty52:44

       Yeah,

25. 52:45 – 56:50

    The Most Honest Marriage Vow No One Talks About

    1. JSJay Shetty52:45

       and it's not threatening people with it.

    2. SKSadia Khan52:46

       No.

    3. JSJay Shetty52:46

       It's actually doing it for real-

    4. SKSadia Khan52:48

       Mm

    5. JSJay Shetty52:48

       ... just once. 'Cause I find, like, like me and Radhi made a rule early in our relationship that we would never throw around the word divorce.

    6. SKSadia Khan52:55

       Oh.

    7. JSJay Shetty52:55

       We'd never throw around the word break up. We'd never throw around any of these words, that if you were to say it, you'd have to actually back it up-

    8. SKSadia Khan53:02

       Yeah

    9. JSJay Shetty53:02

       ... and you'd actually have to be there.

    10. SKSadia Khan53:04

        Mm-hmm.

    11. JSJay Shetty53:04

        Because I didn't wanna be in a relationship where these things were used as levers-

    12. SKSadia Khan53:08

        Yeah

    13. JSJay Shetty53:09

        ... or, or used as kinda ammunition to-

    14. SKSadia Khan53:11

        Yeah

    15. JSJay Shetty53:12

        ... get a reaction out of someone.

    16. SKSadia Khan53:13

        It's only used when you actually-

    17. JSJay Shetty53:14

        Yeah

    18. SKSadia Khan53:15

        ... God forbid, need it. But I always just say that one of the f- my vows that I recommend to my clients, I know it sounds negative, is we can sit there and say, "I'm gonna love you forever. I'm gonna be loyal forever." Probably the more realistic vow to say to each other, not even just marriages, as a couple, is, "If and when my feelings start to change, I will communicate it with you, and that way we can work on the relationship." Where people go wrong is as and when their feelings change, they don't, they avoid communication, and they outsource their happiness from somewhere else. Or they nu- they, uh, numb their pain or through a coping mechanism. The better vow to take is, "If and when my feelings ever change, instead of hurting you and disrespect you, I will come straight to you, and we can try and fix it. And if we can't fix it, we will separate on respectful terms." But doing things that cause permanent damage is just not acceptable.

    19. JSJay Shetty53:57

        Yeah.

    20. SKSadia Khan53:57

        Mm.

    21. JSJay Shetty53:57

        It's, it's, uh, it's such a fine line-

    22. SKSadia Khan54:00

        Yeah

    23. JSJay Shetty54:00

        ... because, yeah, we sometimes like to, in an argument, in the heat of it, you'll pretend to say it, and-

    24. SKSadia Khan54:06

        [laughs]

    25. JSJay Shetty54:06

        ... and that person knows.

    26. SKSadia Khan54:07

        Yeah, and-

    27. JSJay Shetty54:07

        That person still knows that you-

    28. SKSadia Khan54:08

        Mm

    29. JSJay Shetty54:08

        ... don't mean it.

    30. SKSadia Khan54:09

        Yeah.
26. 56:50 – 59:40

    Why Some Men Keep Choosing the Wrong Women

    1. JSJay Shetty56:50

       What have you seen when you're-As you said, we started with this idea that men who've been cheated on by women, what have you seen the success rates of healing, growth for that individual, even if they don't stay with the same person?

    2. SKSadia Khan57:04

       I find that men that get cheated on once tend to get cheated on in every relationship. And I know that sounds terrible, but there's something about them getting cheated on in one relationship, they tend to get it a lot.

    3. JSJay Shetty57:14

       Wow.

    4. SKSadia Khan57:15

       And, and the reason why is because firstly, there's something broken in their selection. They're selecting women that need a lot of repair, and have a lot of trauma, and have a lot of issues. So they're selecting women who aren't truly attracted to them, but they're super attracted to that partner, and they're trying to be useful to get that woman's attachment. The second thing is when they do meet a woman that has a few red flags, they are so, so passive with those red flags. They don't have the ability to set boundaries. They don't know when to set, uh, say no. They, they feel like they're being toxic if they have any kind of needs or wants. So they just become too placid. And in those cases, what ends up happening is they attract women with a lot of red flags, because they don't have the strength to stand up for women that do. So what ends up happening is they tend to be in a cycle of attracting that, unfortunately. So they're usually selecting women with a lot of trauma, and a lot of issues, and a lot of unhealed, like, behavior, and then when they see that unhealed behavior, they don't know how to set that boundary. And they usually forgive cheating. I think one thing that is underspoken about is men forgive f- female cheating far more than we realize. I would say majority of men forgive it, but they just don't talk about it. The problem is, the more you forgive it, th- there's something about women that do lose a bit of respect when a man is super forgiving. I know that sounds terrible. It's not that we want someone toxic, but we want somebody that has some boundaries. And when we learn that he has zero, she might at first be really grateful. Yeah? She at first, she might, "Thank you for forgiving me," or whatever it is. But later on, what he hasn't understood is for her to actually cheat on you is something's missing in those three A’s. They haven't been addressed. Yeah? Either the Attraction, Admiration, or the Adoration, something's been missing. And usually, when you forgive too many, uh, uh, mis- misdemeanors, the admiration for the man starts to go down. And therefore, there's an inevitable end. I could be wrong. I, uh, but as in my experience, I've always seen that men that forgive cheating, they end up getting cheated again by the woman that they forgave, and in the future, they tend to find it again and again.

    5. JSJay Shetty59:09

       And women? How's it-

    6. SKSadia Khan59:10

       It's slightly different. It's like, uh, uh, it's, the chances of him cheating again do go up. But usually, I do find if the intimacy is consistent, they tend to be relatively faithful. As the intimacy drops, the chances of infidelity increases. And when women realize that, "Okay, yeah, maybe we didn't have so much intimacy," she's not as angry. It's only when she realized she did do her job and he still did it, then she gets furious, and then she finds it really difficult to forgive. So it depends more on the intimacy than the actual respect, uh, uh, when m- uh, uh, men cheat.

27. 59:40 – 1:04:23

    How to Know If You’re Afraid of Commitment

    1. JSJay Shetty59:40

       I wanna shift to talking about the female client.

    2. SKSadia Khan59:41

       Yeah.

    3. JSJay Shetty59:42

       The one who says, "I want a man to commit, but he's not."

    4. SKSadia Khan59:44

       Yeah.

    5. JSJay Shetty59:45

       I think that's super common.

    6. SKSadia Khan59:46

       Yeah.

    7. JSJay Shetty59:47

       I think people are feeling like, "Hey, we're 30. We're mid-30s. We're 40. Why does he not wanna commit?"

    8. SKSadia Khan59:53

       Well, firstly, unfortunately, there's a lot of men that are raised in homes with divorce nowadays, yeah? So they, what happens is they, they see a divorce in their family, and whenever you're raised with a divorce, you either really, really cherish commitment and just never wanna get a divorce and wanna stay with one person forever, but the more common response, p- particularly for men, is to avoid intimacy a- and c- emotional intimacy as much as possible. They just don't wanna get too vulnerable. So we're dealing with men, a market of men, that have witnessed divorce and a little bit anxious of getting, committing. If you are a man that has commitment issues, if you're trying to work out, 'cause a lot of men think that, "Oh, it's not commitment issues. I don't have commitment issues. There's just such, she's like this," or, "She's too needy," or, "She's..." They try and blame the woman. If it was truly something wrong with the woman, then why are you with her? Yeah? I always ask them, "Why are you with her? Why don't you just leave her and let her find somebody who's go- who's going to commit?" So then they realize actually there's nothing wrong with her. There must be something in them. If you suffer from commitment issues, the best thing to do is make a, uh, uh, as a man, try and be a bit logical. Make a risk assessment. What are the worst things that can happen if I commit to this woman? How bad can it be? If it's like, "Oh, she's really toxic, she's really abusive, she's gonna cheat on me," fine, no problem. Then maybe just exit. But if you find that the risks are quite low and the behaviors are quite good, then you don't lose anything from committing. Nothing is going to actually happen. What- whatever your fear is, it's irrational. So try and work out the risks of that relationship. If there's not too many risks, try and just commit, because only through commitment you'll realize if you're compatible. Without commitment, you can't actually get to compatibility, and the reason being is because when we're not committed, we dilute the attachment. We're kind of talking to this person here, we're going there. We're not truly committed. The moment you commit, you realize if you're right or wrong for each other, and then it speeds up your own time. You're not wasting your own time with the wrong person. So commitment is actually very useful for both parties to realize where it's going.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:01:31

       And what about for the woman who's waiting for him to commit? She's tried to have the conversation with him. He's not opening up.

    10. SKSadia Khan1:01:37

        Mm-hmm.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:01:38

        He can't really reflect on this idea that he wants to commit. What does she do?

    12. SKSadia Khan1:01:42

        I would say, like, in my experience of women who have had to push their partner into ultimatums, into getting commitment, the man you end up being married to is not a man you'll actually be happy with. The men that are pushed into commitment tend to resent their partners for making them a married man. They get angry at small signs of intimacy. They get annoyed that they have to be loving to you. They get annoyed that they have to check in with you every day and tell you what time they're coming home and what time dinner's gonna be ready. They resent the patterns of being married. So the more you're pushing this man that doesn't want commitment into commitment, you're only gonna access a relationship that won't truly make you happy anyway. So when you're forcing them and putting the ultimatums, it's better to ask yourself, "Is this man, who he truly is right now, somebody I can actually be married to?" If the answer is, "Yo, he's got potential. Maybe if he committed," then try not to. But if it's like, "Yes, he is," um, then he would naturally like commitment. So ask yourself, is it truly someone worth pushing into of commitment? Uh, 'cause usually they turn into a very negative person when you push them into commitment anyway.

    13. JSJay Shetty1:02:38

        I'm glad you said that-

    14. SKSadia Khan1:02:38

        Yeah

    15. JSJay Shetty1:02:38

        ... about ultimatums. I'm not a fan at all.

    16. SKSadia Khan1:02:40

        I'm not a fan. Why don't you like them?

    17. JSJay Shetty1:02:42

        Same reason.

    18. SKSadia Khan1:02:43

        Mm-hmm.

    19. JSJay Shetty1:02:43

        I, I think if anyone has to be forced-

    20. SKSadia Khan1:02:46

        Mm-hmm

    21. JSJay Shetty1:02:46

        ... for example, if a guy doesn't wanna have a wedding-

    22. SKSadia Khan1:02:49

        Mm-hmm

    23. JSJay Shetty1:02:49

        ... and you force him to have a wedding-

    24. SKSadia Khan1:02:51

        Mm-hmm

    25. JSJay Shetty1:02:51

        ... he'll resent it forever.

    26. SKSadia Khan1:02:53

        Yeah, and he'll make you miserable. [laughs]

    27. JSJay Shetty1:02:53

        And that's just one day.

    28. SKSadia Khan1:02:55

        That's one day.

    29. JSJay Shetty1:02:55

        So let alone, like, having-... a marriage-

    30. SKSadia Khan1:02:58

        Yeah
28. 1:04:23 – 1:06:59

    Can a Broken Relationship Be Fixed?

    1. JSJay Shetty1:04:23

       Can you save a bad relationship?

    2. SKSadia Khan1:04:25

       Yes, you really, you can save a bad relationship, but it's difficult if the, both people don't want to. The only way you can save a bad relationship is if both people truly want to, and they're just misunderstanding each other. The relationships that are difficult to save is when the per- when one of the person is far more attached than the other. When one person is really wanting the relationship to work, and the other person is simply not attracted, not invested, and not committed. Then what ends up happening is the only way it can be saved is the beggar in the relationship demands less and less and less, and that's usually the dynamic. When one person wants it more than the other, you get a beggar in the relationship. And just like beggars on the street, when they ask for a bit, you'll give them a bit. But when they ask for a lot, you're like, "Go away, you're a beggar." Like, "I, I'll give you bare minimum." That's how couples start to treat the person who begs to be with them. So when you enter that dynamic, it's very difficult to fix. But when you enter a dynamic where, "We don't know why we keep butting heads. We love each other. I don't know why it's not working," then it's probably just something wrong in understanding each other's core needs, and it's very easy to fix those people.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:05:21

       Yeah, I think it's natural for relationships to go through ups and downs.

    4. SKSadia Khan1:05:24

       Mm-hmm.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:05:25

       It's pretty remarkable if a relationship is always hard.

    6. SKSadia Khan1:05:28

       Yeah. [laughs]

    7. JSJay Shetty1:05:29

       Because work comes up.

    8. SKSadia Khan1:05:30

       Mm.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:05:31

       I think having children is a huge one for people-

    10. SKSadia Khan1:05:33

        Yeah

    11. JSJay Shetty1:05:33

        ... to stay connected during that time. Travel.

    12. SKSadia Khan1:05:36

        Mm-hmm.

    13. JSJay Shetty1:05:37

        There's a million things that are gonna happen.

    14. SKSadia Khan1:05:38

        Mm-hmm.

    15. JSJay Shetty1:05:39

        And all of it comes down to, am I communicating with that person, and are they communicating with me?

    16. SKSadia Khan1:05:44

        Yeah.

    17. JSJay Shetty1:05:44

        And I think we just haven't been trained-

    18. SKSadia Khan1:05:46

        Mm-hmm

    19. JSJay Shetty1:05:46

        ... to say, "Hey, when you're going through a change-

    20. SKSadia Khan1:05:49

        Yeah

    21. JSJay Shetty1:05:49

        ... tell your partner."

    22. SKSadia Khan1:05:50

        Yes.

    23. JSJay Shetty1:05:50

        And practice it when the changes are small.

    24. SKSadia Khan1:05:52

        Mm-hmm.

    25. JSJay Shetty1:05:52

        Like, "Hey, for the next three days I've got a busy work period."

    26. SKSadia Khan1:05:56

        Mm-hmm.

    27. JSJay Shetty1:05:56

        "Hey, for the next week I've got a big presentation at work-

    28. SKSadia Khan1:05:59

        Yeah

    29. JSJay Shetty1:05:59

        ... I'm preparing for." Like, talk about those tiny things-

    30. SKSadia Khan1:06:02

        Yeah
29. 1:06:59 – 1:09:03

    Why Knowing Your Deal Breakers Is Crucial

    1. SKSadia Khan1:06:59

       Yeah. [laughs]

    2. JSJay Shetty1:06:59

       If someone's been with someone for 10 years now, and the attraction's faded naturally to some degree, they kind of admire them, and they kind of get adoration-

    3. SKSadia Khan1:07:16

       Yeah

    4. JSJay Shetty1:07:16

       ... to some degree.

    5. SKSadia Khan1:07:17

       Mm-hmm.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:07:18

       And you already have kids together. You're not gonna necessarily get divorced.

    7. SKSadia Khan1:07:21

       No, but then that's fine. That's actually not so end of the world, as long as it's not so toxic. If you've got to a stage where it's kind of okay, it's not so bad, I think in this day and age, that's a win. You know, I know it sounds terrible, and it sounds like, oh, you're just floating by. But I think as long as you're avoiding suffering, and you're not t- uh, toxic, in, if after 10 years you're kind of attracted, kind of admires, some adoration, but it's not unstable, I actually think that's a win. I know that sounds terrible, but I just think that's not a bad... I wouldn't be terrified if I had that. It's only when you never had those to begin with, and then it just gets exaggerated, exaggerated, exaggerated. It usually turns into suffering.

    8. JSJay Shetty1:07:57

       Yeah.

    9. SKSadia Khan1:07:58

       Yeah.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:07:58

        So unless it's toxic-

    11. SKSadia Khan1:07:59

        Yeah

    12. JSJay Shetty1:07:59

        ... abusive-

    13. SKSadia Khan1:08:00

        Mm-hmm

    14. JSJay Shetty1:08:00

        ... exploitative.

    15. SKSadia Khan1:08:02

        I, I think if you don't have it so bad-

    16. JSJay Shetty1:08:04

        It's good

    17. SKSadia Khan1:08:04

        ... and you don't have any of the deal breakers, I think what happens is people focus so much on, like, having the highs in a relationship. I just think as long as you don't have deep lows, even if it's not, like, poems, and you don't have these holidays, and you don't have these great, you know, experiences, but you don't have any of those toxic lows, having that sense of peace is actually okay. I, I actually think that's a win. I think it's toxic to assume that you should always be having those highs. I think actually just seek that peace, and as, as long as they don't have deal breakers, the relationship will be, maybe it won't be, um, the most exciting, but as long as it's not got those deal breakers, you'll actually have q- relatively peaceful marriage.

    18. JSJay Shetty1:08:35

        Yeah, it's interesting.

    19. SKSadia Khan1:08:36

        Mm.

    20. JSJay Shetty1:08:36

        You just said both are toxic.

    21. SKSadia Khan1:08:37

        Mm-hmm.

    22. JSJay Shetty1:08:38

        Always wanting to be on a high is toxic.

    23. SKSadia Khan1:08:39

        It's, yeah, very much so.

    24. JSJay Shetty1:08:40

        And naturally, someone who treats you low is toxic.

    25. SKSadia Khan1:08:42

        Yeah.

    26. JSJay Shetty1:08:42

        And so both of them can be toxic.

    27. SKSadia Khan1:08:44

        So both of them.

    28. JSJay Shetty1:08:44

        As opposed to accepting that peace is-

    29. SKSadia Khan1:08:46

        Peace is-

    30. JSJay Shetty1:08:47

        ... a great place to be
30. 1:09:03 – 1:09:56

    The Worst Thing to Say to Someone After a Breakup

    1. JSJay Shetty1:09:03

       Sadia, what's the worst thing to say to someone who's just gone through a breakup?

    2. SKSadia Khan1:09:08

       The worst thing that you can say to somebody who's just gone through a breakup is that, "Well, you knew he was like that anyway, so what's the problem?" I know, you know? Sometimes we do know the person was already like that. We know. But right now, dwelling on that person is probably the least important part of the healing process. To get over heartbreak, it's not so much that we have to forget the person that we're heartbroken about, but we just have to try and rediscover ourselves, and the best way to rediscover ourselves is not by focusing on the person, focusing on what he did wrong, how terrible he is. It's more just finding out what your patterns are, what your selection was, and then how you can improve your life so much so that the feelings for him become, uh, uh, they disappear. But dwelling on him and focusing on him and all his problems, I think that will just keep you invested in a relationship and make it harder for you to heal that heartbreak.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:09:55

       What

31. 1:09:56 – 1:11:43

    Why So Many People Stay Stuck in Heartbreak

    1. JSJay Shetty1:09:56

       about when you thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life with someone, and they left you, they moved on?They didn't see it the same way, but you were convinced-

    2. SKSadia Khan1:10:05

       Mm-hmm

    3. JSJay Shetty1:10:06

       ... after a few years that this was gonna be your person, and you break up. What actually helps?

    4. SKSadia Khan1:10:13

       I think the only thing that helps is just remembering that everything you wanted with this person, whether that vision was getting married, whether it was to have kids, whether it was to go on holidays, that vision is still attainable for you. You can still access that entire vision you had with them with somebody new. And if you feel like you really loved that person, you probably just loved certain traits that they had. Those traits that he has are available in other men that will actually still make your vision come true, and hopefully he'll, the new person will not have the traits that caused the relationship to break down. So remember, it's not about the person. This is where people get stuck in heartbreaks. They think that their life happiness, and the relationship, and ev- their end goal in life is in the hands of that particular person in that relationship. That end goal is something that they can still attain and achieve by themselves. If they just remember that they can still achieve it with somebody else, or they can achieve it by themselves, or they can achieve it through friends, that goal is more important than the person, and your vision is far more important than the relationship. So as long as you keep your vision in mind and remember that there's other people that can help you attain that vision, you will let go of that ego that's attached to that particular person that you j- that just broke your heart. And I know it sounds hard to do, but when you find out that somebody's hurt you, and they've moved on, and they've got a relationship, we can't be hurt and happy for somebody at the same time. If you wanna remove your hurt for people, you almost have to try and be happy for them, even if they don't deserve it. You don't do it for y- for them. You do it for your own sake, so you can suppress that feeling of hurt, and just be like, "Look, he treated me terribly, but I would never want somebody else to go through that. So I hope he has a happy relationship. I hope he treats her way better than he treated me." And then hopefully you'll attract that positive energy back into your own life.

32. 1:11:43 – 1:15:59

    How to Find Closure Without an Apology

    1. JSJay Shetty1:11:43

       How do we get closure when the person doesn't give it to us?

    2. SKSadia Khan1:11:46

       We can get it through their actions, not their words. So if, for example, I really loved this person, and they just left me out of nowhere, and they gave me no explanation, sometimes the closure is in their behavior. The fact that they could let me go and leave me hanging in that moment is all the closure I need, that maybe they didn't see me as import- as important as I saw them. Maybe they found someone else. Whatever it is, the closure comes in their behavior, not just their words. Whatever they were gonna say to you probably wasn't true anyway. They were probably just trying to make you feel better or trying to hide what the real reasons is. Their words are not so important. Their actions are, and we can always find closure in people's actions.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:12:18

       Yeah, and often their actions are so painful.

    4. SKSadia Khan1:12:20

       Yeah. It says it all.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:12:21

       They break up with you over text.

    6. SKSadia Khan1:12:23

       Mm.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:12:24

       They, they don't wanna talk to you.

    8. SKSadia Khan1:12:26

       And as hard as it is, it's usually our ego that seeks another conversation with them. If you really look at their behavior, your soul will know they're bad for you. So try and pay attention to ... Your soul knows if someone's good or bad for you. Our ego will just want the last word. They just want u- them to come crawling back to us, so we can say, "Oh, we can reject them, or we can have our last word." But try and remember that that's just your ego speaking. Your soul knows that this proper person probably wasn't right for you. If they were right for you, you wouldn't be suffering today. So try and let go of that need for validation and that need for conversation, and replace it with their behavior spoke volumes.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:12:56

       That difference between the soul and ego is so powerful.

    10. SKSadia Khan1:12:59

        Mm-hmm.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:12:59

        The hard part is most of us are living through our ego daily and not our soul.

    12. SKSadia Khan1:13:05

        Mm-hmm.

    13. JSJay Shetty1:13:05

        So to suddenly flip into soul living, not ego living, in a breakup is extremely hard.

    14. SKSadia Khan1:13:11

        Yeah, because your ego is what looks right, and your soul is what actually is right. And we always wanna look right. We wanna be the one that says, "I didn't wanna be with them," or we wanna be the one that broke up with them. But the- that's just a temporary high of being the one that had the final say or being the one that got to say this. These are temporary highs. The long-term high comes from not needing those conversations. Uh, it's almost like an em- emotional kinda neutrality towards that person, and the quicker you can get there, the quicker you actually heal. So the less you can pay attention to your ego, the closer you'll get to healing.

    15. JSJay Shetty1:13:41

        How would you encourage people to think about that through steps and stages?

    16. SKSadia Khan1:13:44

        I think the ego, um, when it comes to your soul and ego, the key difference is ego is what makes you look good in front of people. Soul is actually what makes you feel right. So it might make you look better or, to him, if you start posting pictures of you with another man or showing memes, it might make it, you know, get a stab at them. But do you actually feel any better when you do that? Your ego might make you say, "Look, go move on to another guy. Go text your ex. Go be with another person. Make him jealous." But your soul will know it doesn't feel right. So the inner voice that you have, like does this actually feel right, and if, and how you can assess this, you ask yourself, "If I didn't meet this person," like say my ex, uh, I, I just broke up with my husband, and I was like, "Okay, if I didn't meet this person ever, would I be going on this date with this random guy, or would I be actually sitting at home watching TV with my friends?" If the answer is, "I would still be going on the date with the guy," then chances are it's not your ego. You're probably just doing it 'cause that's what you wanna do. But if it's like, "I'm only going to the club because I know he's, he's gonna be there, and I wanna hurt him," or, "I'm only gonna go text this other guy because I know it will hurt him," if you're allowing that person to dictate your feelings and what you do, then it's probably your ego speaking to yourself. Act like that person doesn't exist, and then ask yourself, what do you wanna do with yourself? And if the answer is, "I just wanna heal. I just wanna cry. I just wanna feel good, like I want a couple of days to myself," then do that rather than just trying to play that game, and seeing who looks better, and trying to win. Because there's no winner when you follow your ego.

    17. JSJay Shetty1:15:01

        I was really happy that we started with the two core issues you go through-

    18. SKSadia Khan1:15:04

        Mm-hmm

    19. JSJay Shetty1:15:04

        ... with your clients.

    20. SKSadia Khan1:15:05

        Mm-hmm.

    21. JSJay Shetty1:15:06

        Because I think they're, even if it's not women cheating on men or it's men cheating on women, it's infidelity, and then this idea of commitment-

    22. SKSadia Khan1:15:14

        Mm-hmm

    23. JSJay Shetty1:15:14

        ... which I think are two of the biggest things that everyone's struggling with.

    24. SKSadia Khan1:15:18

        Mm-hmm.

    25. JSJay Shetty1:15:18

        And then at the same time, talking about relationships at the top end of attracting the Three A’s, the Three L’s, I mean, those-

    26. SKSadia Khan1:15:24

        Isn't it a paradox that the women that want commitment and the men that, uh, are committed, they're not finding each other?

    27. JSJay Shetty1:15:29

        Yeah.

    28. SKSadia Khan1:15:29

        There's the men that are getting treated badly in relationships, and the women that are getting treated badly, and they seem to not, seem to be attracting each other, unfortunately, which is a shame, because-

    29. JSJay Shetty1:15:36

        Why is that?

    30. SKSadia Khan1:15:37

        I think there's something about being too nice as a person, both women and men. They don't attract each other because they don't feel useful when they, where with, with somebody else who's equally as nice as them. They almost feel better when they're with somebody a bit tougher and stronger, so they can, you know, feel like the nice person in that relationship. If they simply met each other, it would be a great re- resolution to this problem that we're facing in modern dating at the moment.
33. 1:15:59 – 2:06:54

    Not Everything You Want Is Good for You

    1. JSJay Shetty1:15:59

       big part of it is also healing and retraining our own desires because-Not everything you want is good for you

    2. SKSadia Khan1:16:08

       Mm-hmm

    3. JSJay Shetty1:16:08

       ... and sadly, the things that are good for you, you don't want them.

    4. SKSadia Khan1:16:11

       I know, unfortunately.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:16:12

       And so the sad part is you're attracted to the things that are bad for you.

    6. SKSadia Khan1:16:17

       Mm-hmm. Just like with food, just like with everything in life-

    7. JSJay Shetty1:16:19

       Totally

    8. SKSadia Khan1:16:19

       ... unfortunately, we're attracted to things that are bad for you. But the moment you heal your self-esteem, what will happen is you'll have a natural distaste towards things that are bad for you, people who don't love you, people who don't treat you right. How you know your self-esteem is improving is at the moment those people start treating you badly, you lose attraction to them.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:16:36

       Yeah.

    10. SKSadia Khan1:16:36

        And the moment pe- people treat you well, you'll increase your attraction to them, and that is a ve- real signal. I know sometimes you can get love bombed, and the person is just so, so nice to you, and then you're attracted to that. But it's that steady, s- healthy pace of people treating you nicely that you are attracted to which will help, uh, heal your self-esteem.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:16:52

        Sadia, uh, you've been amazing. We end every On Purpose episode with a Final Five.

    12. SKSadia Khan1:16:57

        Mm-hmm.

    13. JSJay Shetty1:16:58

        These have to be answered in one word-

    14. SKSadia Khan1:16:59

        [laughs]

    15. JSJay Shetty1:17:00

        ... so one sentence maximum.

    16. SKSadia Khan1:17:01

        Uh-oh. [laughs]

    17. JSJay Shetty1:17:02

        So Sadia Khan-

    18. SKSadia Khan1:17:03

        Mm

    19. JSJay Shetty1:17:03

        ... these are your Final Five. Question number one, what is the best relationship advice you've ever had or received?

    20. SKSadia Khan1:17:09

        Pick peace over pleasure. Always choose somebody who will give you more peace than pleasure if you want a long-lasting relationship.

    21. JSJay Shetty1:17:16

        Question number two, what is the worst relationship advice you've ever had or received?

    22. SKSadia Khan1:17:20

        You are somebody's dream girl, or don't settle for less. I think anything that inflates your vision of what a real relationship looks like is gonna make it difficult for you to find the right person.

    23. JSJay Shetty1:17:28

        Hmm. Great answer. Uh, question number three, what's something that you think everyone believes to be true about love-

    24. SKSadia Khan1:17:36

        Mm-hmm

    25. JSJay Shetty1:17:37

        ... but is actually not true?

    26. SKSadia Khan1:17:38

        It should be unconditional. I don't believe that it should be true. You definitely need conditions for your love, otherwise you will attract people who abuse your kindness.

    27. JSJay Shetty1:17:46

        That's a great answer.

    28. SKSadia Khan1:17:47

        Mm-hmm.

    29. JSJay Shetty1:17:48

        Uh, question number four, what is something you used to believe was true about love-

    30. SKSadia Khan1:17:54

        Mm-hmm

Episode duration: 1:20:03