Jay Shetty PodcastJay & Radhi: Why You Should Probably STOP Sharing as Much.. (And What to Do Instead)
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
40 min read · 7,954 words- 0:00 – 1:01
Intro
- JSJay Shetty
Sometimes you have to sit back and you have to think before you speak. Yapper's regret, it's a real thing.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Sometimes I just, I'll spill my deepest, darkest secrets just because I wanna keep the conversation going.
- JSJay Shetty
Damn, I did not need to share that much information. Sometimes you have to sit back- If I'm contract something, I'm not keeping it a real thing
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... spill my deepest, darkest secrets if someone just, uh-
- JSJay Shetty
I was always told in the monastery that when you share something before it's complete, that idea lose its 50% of its value.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
You know when something's, like, at the top of your heart, it's, like, stuck at the top of your throat, and all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk about it?
- JSJay Shetty
I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Even if someone was vlogging for 24 hours a day, even if someone was telling you every moment that they were moving, you can't know their heart and you can't know their mind.
- JSJay Shetty
I really don't share anything to try and get someone to believe I'm anything.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
I've just come to the conclusion that no one will ever... Hey, everyone. Welcome back to this week's episode of On Purp- We need to ... I wish we had a name for it.
- 1:01 – 4:07
Are You Sharing Too Much?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, but we don't.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Welcome back to this week's episode of Conversations With Radhi on On Purpose.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- RDRadhi Devlukia
We have been having these wonderful discussions-
- JSJay Shetty
That's not the official name.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
That's not the official name. But we have been having these wonderful conversations based on things our friends have told us, things we've been reading, listening to, and we realized that, um, these conversations are actually really useful to maybe share with people. Me and Jay have them often when we're on car journeys together, traveling, and one, it's helped create more depth in our conversation, but also some of the stuff we come out with is pretty good in them.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- RDRadhi Devlukia
So I thought let's share it. Well, I didn't think. Jay thought let's share it with the world-
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... on a fourth episode a week of On Purpose. Over to you, Jay.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs] Why, why are we suddenly switched to news anchor?
- RDRadhi Devlukia
I know, news anchor.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
It's, it's hard not to when you've got a mic in front of you.
- JSJay Shetty
Is it? Is that what you feel like?
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Do you feel like a news anchor?
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Today on Today's Weather, it's ... And can you just f- start?
- JSJay Shetty
All right. Okay. So as you were talking about what we wanna share, today's topic is all about oversharing.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Are we oversharing online? Are we oversharing with our friends? What is too much? What is just enough? What do we do with it? Because it feels like we don't know-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... who to share our life with, how much of our life to share, where to share it, and let's dive in.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
It's so true. I've, I really struggle ... Well, you said online. I really struggle with the online sharing situation, because on one hand, people want to experience your personality, and especially as someone who is sharing a lot of content online, you also want people to feel like they know your life because otherwise you're just sharing little minuscule parts of it, the best parts which people don't want to see anymore. They also want to see the pain. But then when I sometimes share that I'm crying, I get messages like, "Why are you always sharing that you're sad?" Like, "I don't wanna be sad with you." And so it's such a inter-
- JSJay Shetty
You get messages like that?
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Oh, yeah, I do. I get, like, "Oh, your life must be so hard." You know, if you do share that you are upset, there's always somebody or s- people who, who think you've got no reason to be sad, so why are you crying?
- JSJay Shetty
Wow.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
And so I think there's a really difficult balance between ... I al- I always used to say I don't wanna share the negative parts of life because there's enough negativity in the world, and I'd rather share, even if I am feeling a certain way, I'd rather share even if I have a ounce of happiness, let me share that online rather than sharing sadness with people. Because energy is so contagious that if someone comes online, they're already having a bad day, the last thing I want is to make their day worse. But I think it was so interesting 'cause I was speaking to my friend about this. She's going through probably one of the most difficult times in her life right now, going through a situation that she never expected herself to be in, and she was really struggling with it. You know when something's, like, at the top of your heart, it's, like, stuck at the top of your throat, and all you're waiting to do is burst out and talk about it because it's so prominent inside of you? And so what she started doing was she had told me, and then she started spending time with people, and we had said, "Maybe you shouldn't speak about this to other people." But when she ended up being around people too much, she would end up letting it out or sharing it. And I had a conversation with her about how it's so important to protect things that, one, if you're unsure
- 4:07 – 9:21
The Real Reason Behind Your Vulnerability
- RDRadhi Devlukia
about, or two, that are really difficult. Because a lot of the time people don't necessarily have the best desires for you. There are very few people in this world who actually have deep desire for you to be happy. And so when you end up sharing certain things or oversharing things, I think it leaks this energy of, one, the situation gets made bigger because you're constantly speaking about it, and therefore even if it was painful, it becomes even more painful, or two, there's this idea in, like, Ayurveda, and I think you've spoken about this as well, where when you sh- when you share too much, you're just leaking energy out of that one thing. And you talk about this a lot. I'd love for you to share this, about when things haven't happened yet and then sharing them before things have happened and the leaking of energy that happens in that. But I was speaking to her about it, and I do believe that sometimes oversharing or not sharing to the right people can be really detrimental to whate- whatever it is that you're talking about.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. I think it all comes down ... I think the world will talk about some things, we call them oversharing because we wanna censor it. Sometimes people think things are oversharing because they're overly emotional. I think we have to look back at how this all started. The online world was a place people put up pictures, they put up food, they put up dances. All of a sudden, people started sharing highlight reels, and that's what we did. We shared our best moments. People then called that out and said, "We wanna see the truth," and people started sharing-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Right
- JSJay Shetty
... vulnerable things. Vulnerability, which is actually quite an intimate, personal thing-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... became a very public thing.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
And then what's happened is vulnerability, in my opinion, has become performative sometimes.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
So true.
- JSJay Shetty
Not always.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
No, it's, it's the-
- JSJay Shetty
Not always. Sometimes. And so now when someone's being overly vulnerable, and I'm vulnerable online too, it's really hard to get a gauge as to what's right or wrong or where you stand on it, and it all comes down to the individual and their intention.If I ever share vulnerably online, it's because I believe there's a lesson-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Right
- JSJay Shetty
... there's a guiding moment, there's a teaching moment, there's something I've gained that I wanna share with it. That's when I choose to do that. I have a, I have a boundary around it. I have a way of thinking about when and why I wanna be vulnerable. I think people who listen to my podcast regularly do understand who I am as a person. They are-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
That's a good assessment, though.
- JSJay Shetty
Go on.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
What you just said. A good assessment of knowing whether you should be vulnerable or not. Uh, what is the reason behind you being vulnerable online? What is the reason you're sharing yourself crying? What is the reason you're sharing this difficult thing that happened? Is it because you want someone to be able to relate to it, be better from it?
- JSJay Shetty
Which is beautiful.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Is it because you want attention? Is it because you want sympathy? Like, being really clear about wh- where your vulnerability's coming from, that's a really great place of assessment. Sorry to cut you off, but I just thought that was really interesting.
- JSJay Shetty
No, no, no, I'm so glad you did.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
No, you should. No, I, I think it's better when we're doing that.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
There was this... Y- you just said something that hit this. Dr. Christopher Hans said, "The more people tend to present about themselves, the less sympathy they get when things go wrong."
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Wow.
- JSJay Shetty
"People assume they brought it on themselves, and oversharing can lead to judgment instead of empathy, online especially."
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so I agree that if I was to ever cry online, I have cried in interviews before, which has been very natural, but if I was ever to cry online to share a pain point, it would be because I think it could help someone or it's because I would hope someone would be able to connect to it-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... and not feel alone. That would be my intention. Now, I'm not saying that's perfect. I'm not saying that's the best or the right thing to do. That's just how I see it.
- 9:21 – 13:45
Create in Private Before You Share Publicly
- JSJay Shetty
was, you know, that, that's an important thing, and obviously A Really Good Cry is based on that-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... and the idea that you get that ability to share your emotions. But what's really interesting is that sociologist Ben Agar says that people often reveal more of their inner feelings, opinions, and sexuality online-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Wow
- JSJay Shetty
... than they would in person or even over the phone. And I think that's actually because in some cases it's easier to be yourself with strangers-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Okay
- JSJay Shetty
... than it is with the people that know you best.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Okay.
- JSJay Shetty
Because the people that know you best, when you share your emotions that way, then they're like, "Wait a minute, you're not like this. Wait, why are you doing this? What's going on here?"
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Whereas when you share it online, you kind of sometimes feel heard and seen, where a stranger goes, "I feel the same way. Thank you for sharing that."
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so I don't think it's fair for anyone to say, "Oh, you shouldn't share how you feel online," because that may be where you feel safest-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... for some people in, in an interesting way.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Can you talk about what you've always shared with me, the oversharing thing I was telling, saying about the protecting-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... before you s- before you speak things that haven't happened?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, this is a, a spiritual principle. I'm writing about it in my third book right now, actually, and it's this idea that I was always told in the monastery that when you share something before it's complete, that idea lose its 50% of its value.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Wow.
- JSJay Shetty
And actually, you lose the energy and the discipline to maybe even carry it through.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so often when you're excited about something, you just blurt it out, and then you never get around to doing it, because in some cases you've already enjoyed the moment of sharing-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... the success of it, and you've already gained the validation for it, and so you don't feel it anymore. Whereas when you keep something private, and you build it, and then you put it out into the world, it has a much better reaction for you as well, because you used all that energy to complete the task.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And that's what it's all about. It's not about whether it gets validation or praise. It's about are you losing energy by talking about this thing to everyone? And so the way I've changed it is I talk to people who can actually give me insight or impact on that thing.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So if someone can give me an idea, someone can help me with it, I'll share it with them. But if they can't, then I probably won't.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- 13:45 – 16:01
Oversharing Looks Different on Every Platform
- RDRadhi Devlukia
on the other hand, I have noticed that when you're in social situations, I used to do this, to try and fill gaps. I would overshare things, and I would talk about things unnecessarily or say things [laughs] that really don't need to be talked about in this situation, but to try and create a closeness, and that's why oversharing is sometimes used in-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... between people, is, "Let me tell you everything about my life so we feel close straight away." It's like a false closeness that you can create, and a way to show-
- JSJay Shetty
Such a good point
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... a way to make people trust you. Because you're like, "I'm gonna tell you all, I'm a open book. I'm gonna tell you everything about my life. One, because hopefully it makes you like me more. Two, because now you can be vulnerable with me. And three, now it makes you feel like you're my best friend, and it creates this connection as fast as possible."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm. Yeah.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
But I think it's really important to know when to share things and who to share things with, because if they're not ready for it, and if they don't know you well enough, it's so much harder to receive that information.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. And, and I, I love that point, and I think that you actually end up being more confused because you've now told 30 people.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
So a lot of people now, I think you have a group chat, and you tell 30 people who you're dating, what they said to you, and you're saying, "What should I say back?"
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And now you ask 30 people, how are you gonna process 30 people's backgrounds, walks of life, advice, insight? No wonder you feel lost and confused-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... because you're asking 30 people in the group chat how to respond. And then you're asking someone else when you meet them, and then exactly what you said about draining the problem. And I think one of the biggest things with oversharing now, though, is that it's also different on different platforms. And so on Instagram and TikTok, because it's actually generally your face and your name, it's different, where I know a lot of people who find people sharing their stories of miscarriages, IVF, breakups on Reddit is actually really helpful for them-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... because they're reading about other people's anonymous experiences, and there's something we get from anonymous oversharing-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Interesting
- JSJay Shetty
... because the person can tell everything about their life because it's not their name.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
It feels a bit more authentic, I guess, as well, because you know that they're not doing it for themselves. They're sharing anonymously-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... which means that there must be some sort of truth to it.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And, and that they're being totally themselves
- 16:01 – 18:24
Be Intentional About What You Share and With Whom
- JSJay Shetty
because they don't have anything to gain. And so many people can turn to that and be like, "Oh my God, that's exactly what I'm going through, and that's exactly what I'm experiencing." And I think that is the same even for someone on Instagram who's going through it. Like, I follow plenty of people who are sharing their healing journeys, whether it's their health, whether it's a challenge they've went through. I find it so inspiring.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
So I rarely see something as oversharing from a consumer point of view. I find it really inspiring when someone's opening their heart, and I find it really amazing for the world that people can do that. I think it only makes the person who's sharing happy if their intention is not attention and validation.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
That's how I look at it. When I see someone, I see bravery, I see courage, I see an, a big heart. But for them, it will only fulfill them if it's done from the intention of, "I wanna serve, I wanna help, I wanna support, I wanna share, but I'm not doing it for attention and validation."
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Do you think that, you know, we talk about this a lot, where you really have to be careful about who you tell what to.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
And in that sense, we don't talk about that many wins that we have with too many people, or even pain points even about a relationship. You know, there are certain things that you keep private versus sharing it with people-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... or being really mindful about who you share what with. Do you think other people's energy can affect the things that you are thinking about or doing in your life if you share it with the wrong people?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, I don't think it's some sort of magic hocus pocus thing.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Right
- JSJay Shetty
I think it's truly just their thoughts can affect you. For example, let's say you wanna start something, right? And I was, I was guilty of this a few months ago with us, and you kindly called me out about it in a good way.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
I don't remember.
- JSJay Shetty
You shared an idea with me about something, um, and we were just messaging about it. My initial response was, "Yeah, we can't do that right now."
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Oh.
- JSJay Shetty
And you were like, "Wait a minute, can you just let me share my idea?" And-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Oh, yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... and you said it in a really nice way, and I got the message, and I felt really bad about it, and I was wrong. But my point is, my energy did affect it.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
It did, yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
I closed something down when I shouldn't have. So that's a really good example. So let's say someone's listening in right now, and they're like, you've got a idea to start a YouTube channel-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... or a podcast, or you wanna write a book, and you go and tell all your friends. And then all your friends goWhy are you starting a podcast?
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, oh, you know there's like a million podcasts now. It's not hocus pocus. That energy affects you.
- 18:24 – 23:52
Does Holding Back Make You Feel Alone?
- JSJay Shetty
You hear that and you go, "Yeah, maybe I shouldn't start it."
- RDRadhi Devlukia
So true.
- JSJay Shetty
So all of a sudden that energy has affected you. Now, if you had shared it with a podcaster, that podcaster would've said to you, "Oh, great. What, what genre is it? What kind of podcast do you wanna do?" And you were like, "Yeah, it's all about relationships, and it's all about connection." And then you could've asked them a question, and they would've said, "Yeah. Well, here's what you need to do. Make sure you do one episode a week, make sure that you are really authentic and be yourself, and make sure that you're consistent because something like 97% of podcasts don't make it past episode two or three."
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
Now all of a sudden, that person who's already done what you wanna do is actually helping you, whereas someone who hasn't done what you wanna do is draining you.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
And so I think it is important, because energy does impact you and affect you. And someone who's already done what you wanna do is more likely to encourage you-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... whereas someone who hasn't done it is more likely to discourage you because they may not understand. They think it's hard, or they think it's complicated.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Do you think people are happier when they're sharing more, or do you think actually... Like, I will ask you for yourself, when you made the decision to keep a lot of your own life private and be mindful about what you're sharing, did that bring more peace and clarity and confidence in what you're doing? Or did you feel like you're missing out on... Did you feel a bit lonely without sharing things?
- JSJay Shetty
I think people online, and I wanna ask you the same questions back-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... these are great questions. I think we started to equate vulnerability with authenticity online.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Tell me the difference.
- JSJay Shetty
So if so- No, no, no. It's, it's... We're saying that if you share stuff about your life, then you're authentic.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yes, yes.
- JSJay Shetty
If you don't share stuff about your life, you're not authentic.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
My take is authenticity is sharing the right thing with the right person at the right time.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
So true.
- JSJay Shetty
That's actually authentic, right? If I just found out that a family member was ill just today, I wouldn't tell everyone on social media-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... not because I'm being inauthentic, but the first person to call would be my family member.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Exactly.
- JSJay Shetty
So that's not an inauthentic act. It's actually the most authentic act. So I think we shouldn't fall for this trap where it's like if you're not fully vulnerable online all the time, that you're inauthentic. Actually, being authentic is being intentional and selective.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
In my... That's my definition for it.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
So I feel very happy knowing what I share with you, what I share with my best friends, what I share with my mom, and then what I share online. Am I sharing my truth online? Of course I am. Am I sharing my heart online? Of course I am. Are there things that are private that need to be kept between me and my mom, or me and you, or me and my best friends? Of course there are, because that's reality.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm.
- 23:52 – 26:51
Why We Make Big Judgments from Small Details
- RDRadhi Devlukia
no matter how much you try and convince them that you are amazing, if they have already wanted to dislike you, they'll have found any, any one word, a, a breath that you've taken that they don't like."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
"But if they want to be rooting for you, and if they want to see good in you, and if they want to love you, n- everything that you say they'll give you benefit of doubt. Everything you say they'll give you grace." And I wrote about this in my notes the other week. I was thinking, imagine how nice it would be if people just gave people grace, whether they're oversharing, whether they're not sharing enough. Like, I just think everybody is going through duality and so much in their life, that it's impossible to know the depths of someone. Even if someone was vlogging for 24 hours a day, even if someone was telling you every moment that they were moving, you can't know their heart and you can't know their mind.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
And so it's impossible to know someone that deeply, and the sharing or not sharing or oversharing I think also comes-... comes with how you're feeling in the moment, in the day, in your life, depending on what's happening
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, I d- I, I love what you're saying. I think we've created such a judgmental, critical world
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
And it's almost like if you walked into a movie theater and you watched three minutes of a movie, and then you walked out, and then you walked into another movie for three minutes, and then you walked out and you walked into another movie for three minutes, that's what we do on social media
- RDRadhi Devlukia
That's so true [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Right? You don't ever see the full picture-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
No
- JSJay Shetty
... so no one has listened to every episode I've ever recorded on any platform I've ever been on
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
Which would be my full picture
- RDRadhi Devlukia
And they'd be like, "You never talk about purpose"
- JSJay Shetty
Yes. Or yeah, exactly
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
Or, "You never talk about this" or, "You ne-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... And it's like, but that's what, how we'd feel if we walked into a movie for three minutes and walked out. So you can only truly have an opinion on something when you understand it fully
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
You can have an opinion on anything, to be honest. But you can only truly have an assessment of something-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... if you understand it fully. And today, most of us make big assessments on small amounts of information
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Huge, huge
- JSJay Shetty
And we all do it. I do it, too
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah, same
- JSJay Shetty
And that's why it's so important to remind each other of that. And what you were saying where, you know, I, I remember a few years back, because people were like, "Oh, Jay and Radhi are never together anymore. Maybe they're breaking up." Like, maybe, you know, all this kind of stuff
- RDRadhi Devlukia
We were out of sight for months
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- 26:51 – 32:06
When Sharing Becomes Healing, Not Draining
- JSJay Shetty
try and get someone to believe I'm anything
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yes, you really don't. You're so good at that
- JSJay Shetty
I, I, I'm so happy with whatever judgment and observation, uh-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Even when I'm like, "Just say something about this," you're like, "I really don't need to"
- JSJay Shetty
I don't need to
- RDRadhi Devlukia
You're so at peace with it. It's so good
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, and it's not that I'm fully at peace with it. I'm probably, like, figuring out internally
- RDRadhi Devlukia
In your own, yes
- JSJay Shetty
It's not like I'm beyond it. I'm figuring out internally. But what I've realized is my intention's really clear. That's what I'm focused on-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... because I can't change. It's what you just said so well. It's, if someone doesn't like me, no matter what I do, they'll still not like me
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
And if someone loves me, no matter what I do-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Mm
- JSJay Shetty
... they'll still love me. And that's how we make decisions in life. And so I don't want to convince someone to change their mind about me
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
If someone thinks I'm X, Y, Z, that's okay-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
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- RDRadhi Devlukia
You know where I found, um, sharing recently has been really useful?
- JSJay Shetty
I was gonna ask you that, actually.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah. You know what?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, where is it useful?
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Where it's been really useful, so I, and again, this is based on relationship stuff, but one of my friends was really struggling in her relationship, and we were speaking about all the people that we know in our families, everyone that we're really close to that she also knows that I know. And I was saying, "You know, it's really normal if you've been in a relationship for X amount of time to go through phases that are really difficult
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- RDRadhi Devlukia
You do know that this person in our family's been through it, this person in our friendship circle has been through it. This person has been through this. These people have gone to couples therapy. Um, me and Jay have gone through really difficult times where we've found it s- hard to even have conversations with each other. We've been through so many ups and downs." She said, "I had no idea. What do you mean? I had no idea that was normal. I've seen all of you, and none of that makes any sense." I was like, "Yeah, these people were at the verge of breaking up, and they literally had to spend so mu- a year trying to reconnect." She was like, "No way." And I told her all of that to make her realize how normal the phases she was going through in her relationship were
- JSJay Shetty
Mm
- RDRadhi Devlukia
But I found that so useful because even with- within relationships, obviously you have the pictures at events, and you have all these little things that you can share, and we're talking about online, but even within, within close family groups or close friendship groups, you will not even know what's happening and realize that actually they're going through the same thing as you are
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- RDRadhi Devlukia
And it makes you feel so okay about your situation when you realize you're not the only one. And so I think having those, that conversation with my friend was so important because, one, it humanized everyone, and it wasn't just the rosy relationships that she sawTwo, I don't know anybody who hasn't gone through stuff in their relationship. And then three, I think sharing online for a lot of people who are public figures, or not even public figures, sharing it with their communities, let's say, the, the time it becomes difficult is when people take one thing and make it into something huge, even though they've been through it. So like me saying, "Okay, we found it really difficult before," someone may say, "Oh my gosh, they found it difficult," not realizing that they've had such difficult times in their relationship, too. And so I think the judgment ends up going towards people, even when we've created that experience or had that experience in our life. But I think sharing in that way has been so useful, even between me and my best friend now. When I say things that I've been through, she's like, "I would have never thought that that was you."
- 32:06 – 37:13
Choosing Who Deserves to Hear Your Story
- JSJay Shetty
if anyone ever watched the history of our conversations we've had online-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... 99% of them will focus on challenges we've had-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah, I guess so
- JSJay Shetty
... or things we've struggled with. And that's where I've felt sharing is really helpful, is my intention is to show that we're all in the same boat.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
We're all on the same level.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
No one's exempt. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
We're all on the same page. No matter how enlightened or perfect or illuminated you feel someone is, we're all in the same boat, and we're all struggling. And that is-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... when I think sharing's really important, and that's what I choose to share. I choose to share my challenges. I choose to share things that I'm stressed about or things-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
You're like that even with your friends, not even just-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... this isn't even in a public forum.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
I hear you speak to your friends about the real... I'm like, "Oh, wow, I didn't think he was gonna talk about that," or, "I didn't think he would share that with that person." But you really do to help them also open up back to you.
- JSJay Shetty
And, and also just because I also want them to know that that's the real expression that everyone has.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
And it's you being honest with yourself in that moment, too-
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah
- RDRadhi Devlukia
... isn't it?
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
I think we can get so covered up by the fake realities we create in our own mind of trying to be okay in front of other people that that sha- that you end up sharing this false version of yourself, and then you come away from that conversation, and even though you think you've been vulnerable, you've actually been false vulnerable because that's not actually how you feel.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
So you haven't actually shared anything.
- JSJay Shetty
Exactly.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
And so you haven't actually built a connection to anyone.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- RDRadhi Devlukia
I always think that's why I find it difficult when, you know, people catch pictures of celebrities fighting, and they put up pictures of it or whatever. It's like, have we not all had a moment where we've slammed a door? Have we not all had a moment where we've walked out of a restaurant because we've had an argument and we're a little bit upset? And so I, I, I think that I always feel so sad for people when I see stuff like that because I'm like, "I've had those moments."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah, or-
- RDRadhi Devlukia
I've been showing up. I've, I've-
Episode duration: 37:13
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