The 4 C’s of Self-Trust That Change Everything About Your Love Life!

1. 0:00 – 0:22

   Intro

   1. JSJay Shetty0:00

      [camera clicking] What's

2. 0:22 – 3:01

   Wanting vs. Being Ready for Love

   1. JSJay Shetty0:22

      the difference between wanting a relationship and being ready for a relationship?

   2. QWQuinlan Walther0:26

      Mm. One of my favorite ways to frame this, uh, which I think we can all relate to, is you shouldn't go grocery shopping when you're starving.

   3. JSJay Shetty0:34

      Mm.

   4. QWQuinlan Walther0:34

      We don't tend to make the best choices. We grab the first thing we see. We grab all the things that we want, that look exciting, right? Ooh, that'll taste so good. I want this, I want that. Not necessarily what we need. And that, in my opinion, applies to dating and relationships as well. When you go out into the world, you start dating, you're looking for a relationship, you wanna have a pretty solid understanding of what it is that you're looking for. You wanna have a pretty solid understanding of how you love yourself, how you show up for yourself, of the life you wanna create for yourself, the relationship that would be an added bonus to that life that you wanna create, rather than feel like you're trying to fill a void. You end up seeking connections from a place of desperation that, that can't be fulfilling because it's essentially pouring into a bottomless pit of, of trying to fill this, this bottomless void. So in my opinion, asking yourself those questions first, really spending time understanding who you are, what you want, how you can love yourself, how you can support yourself, how you can commit to building a life you like, and the relationship, that could be a bonus. I also wanna add the caveat that it's not as if you have to go hide away, do all of those things [laughs] and then come out and find the relationship. It can, it can happen at pretty much the same time, with the focus being on understanding all the things I just said, who you are, what you want, et cetera, and not go looking for love when you are, uh, metaphorically starving. [laughs]

   5. JSJay Shetty1:58

      I love that truth bomb. That's, that's huge already, that idea that we're constantly looking for love when we're starving, rather than being really, really clear, and being in a healthy sense of hunger.

   6. QWQuinlan Walther2:11

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JSJay Shetty2:11

      Like, you have an appetite-

   8. QWQuinlan Walther2:13

      Right

   9. JSJay Shetty2:13

      ... but you're not starving, because we all know that when you're starving, you're so spot on. I, I think about all ... I was, I was literally going through all the bad decisions I've made.

   10. QWQuinlan Walther2:21

       [laughs] At the grocery store.

   11. JSJay Shetty2:23

       At the grocery store.

   12. QWQuinlan Walther2:23

       Staying in.

   13. JSJay Shetty2:23

       Or what I eat when I'm starving.

   14. QWQuinlan Walther2:25

       Yep.

   15. JSJay Shetty2:25

       I will pull up at a gas station. I will buy two bags of chips.

   16. QWQuinlan Walther2:28

       Yep.

   17. JSJay Shetty2:28

       You know?

   18. QWQuinlan Walther2:29

       A Reese's bar.

   19. JSJay Shetty2:29

       Yeah, totally.

   20. QWQuinlan Walther2:30

       Yeah. [laughs]

   21. JSJay Shetty2:30

       Like, everything that you don't wanna be having.

   22. QWQuinlan Walther2:33

       Right.

   23. JSJay Shetty2:33

       And then on the way home you're regretting it.

   24. QWQuinlan Walther2:35

       And you love it while you're eating it.

   25. JSJay Shetty2:36

       100%.

   26. QWQuinlan Walther2:37

       It's the best while it's there, right? And it's, "Oh, this is everything that I wanted," and then 10 minutes later, you're probably hungry again, you're probably crashed out from the sugar high, you need a nap, and you feel even more exhausted and still hungry after you're done.

   27. JSJay Shetty2:50

       Yeah.

   28. QWQuinlan Walther2:50

       I feel like that just directly applies to the kind of relationships, the kind of connections that we choose when we're, we're acting from that place of starvation, desperation, um, emptiness.

3. 3:01 – 5:34

   The Four C’s of Self-Trust

   1. JSJay Shetty3:01

      Yeah. And, and the hard part about that is that it's so real today to feel that way, to feel lonely, to feel desperate, to feel not chosen. What do we do with all those emotions, then? Because we're used to running for the quick solve because those emotions are so heavy and hard to sit in. What do you do with all those emotions when you're not getting to just curb your craving by getting some fast food or fast love?

   2. QWQuinlan Walther3:27

      Build self-trust. Self-trust is imperative for liking who you are, understanding who you are, making decisions that align with who you really wanna be, and of course, that pays off in our relationships. There, there are four C's when it comes to self-trust, in my opinion. First one is curiosity. Are you curious about who you are, why you do what you do, the feelings that you feel, um, your motives and intentions behind the decisions that you make, what you want out of life? Is there curiosity? You can't trust yourself if you don't know yourself, and from curiosity can come comprehension. So it's really important that you lead with curiosity. The second one is capacity, so that's emotional flexibility, emotional stability. Like you, like you just asked, what do we do with these big emotions? You build the capacity to stay anchored in who you are, even when you feel really sad, even when you feel really helpless or hopeless or overwhelmed, angry, frustrated. Can you find an anchor in yourself that you can support yourself through all of those emotions? That's capacity. The third one is compassion. Having humanity for who you are, [laughs] having an understanding that you are a flawed human who makes some poor decisions sometimes, right? And being able to meet yourself with a softness, with a warmth, is imperative, like absolutely paramount. And we're talking a lot about relationships here today. I- if you aren't compassionate with yourself, you'll be far less likely to be compassionate with the people around you and, and your significant other and such. The changes we wanna make don't typically happen from a place of rigidity, blame, shame, judgment. They happen from a place of compassion and support and love. And then finally, the fourth one is commitment. The fourth C is commitment. Your commitment, your devotion to being who you want to be, making decisions that really align with that, and building a life that feels so fulfilling, so good from within. There's no way around it. You can have the first three. If you don't have the commitment to bringing who you want to be to fruition, to building that life, things go astray.

4. 5:34 – 9:27

   Relationships Should Help You Grow

   1. QWQuinlan Walther5:34

      So you need that fourth one as well.

   2. JSJay Shetty5:35

      Oh, I like the four C's.

   3. QWQuinlan Walther5:36

      Thank you.

   4. JSJay Shetty5:37

      Yeah, and they feel like they take a lot of time. I can't imagine doing that in a month-

   5. QWQuinlan Walther5:43

      Certainly

   6. JSJay Shetty5:43

      ... or three months. And like you said, I think, I think our idea around doing work before dating, and you alluded to this in a healthy sense, we kind of at one point started to believe we had to be complete before we met someone.

   7. QWQuinlan Walther5:56

      Yeah.

   8. JSJay Shetty5:57

      And as someone ... I've been married now for nine years, and with my wife for 12, I-Thought I knew who I was when we met, and that was a good foundation.

   9. QWQuinlan Walther6:05

      Mm.

   10. JSJay Shetty6:05

       But I have discovered so much more about myself and grown so much more in the last 12 years than what I thought. And so this idea that we have to be fully formed, fully complete, fully perfect before we meet someone doesn't really add up.

   11. QWQuinlan Walther6:18

       I would even [laughs] say any relationship will change you, some for the better, some for the worse, right? If there isn't any change happening in the relationship, you probably aren't actually showing up to it.

   12. JSJay Shetty6:31

       Mm.

   13. QWQuinlan Walther6:31

       And more to your point, when you enter a healthy, safe, loving relationship, it's going to reflect back to you the parts of you that you haven't yet seen, worked on, grown through, grown out of, grown around. But I believe you have to be able to discern what is growth versus what is judgment or a lack of acceptance or an opportunity for, for growth anyway. Because Radhi could come to you and say, "Jay, I'm, I'm really noticing that you haven't been present with me, and I, I miss you. You know? I, I want more time with you." If you don't have the awareness that that's probably coming from a place of love, from a desire to improve your relationship, if you don't have a growth mindset, you'll get defensive, you'll snap back, you won't listen, and you'll drive a wedge even further between the two of you. So I, I, I think you need to practice some of those four C's so that you have the awareness of what growth feels like, what it's like to meet yourself, so that when you're in a relationship that is asking you to grow more, there's already a familiarity there. I do, I do think that's important.

   14. JSJay Shetty7:40

       It's so important, but what's so interesting about your sa- what you're saying, and I'm so glad you've gone in that direction, is you're saying relationships take growth and are almost for growth. But we don't get into them wanting that. We get into them wanting pleasure-

   15. QWQuinlan Walther7:57

       Yeah

   16. JSJay Shetty7:57

       ... or joy or relief or companionship.

   17. QWQuinlan Walther8:01

       Mm-hmm.

   18. JSJay Shetty8:02

       And what you just said is, "Well, no, it's about growth."

   19. QWQuinlan Walther8:06

       Mm.

   20. JSJay Shetty8:06

       Talk to me about that difference between our expectation and why you think relationships are actually about growth.

   21. QWQuinlan Walther8:13

       As you grow, as you know yourself, like yourself, all the things we talked about, you don't need as much from the relationship itself. You aren't expecting the person that you're with to be a validation machine, to meet you in every way, in every moment, all the time, so perfectly. You can show up and actually allow the other person to meet you in this almost third entity. There's you, the other person, and then the relationship that you create together, and that means I get to bring my insecurities, you get to bring your insecurities. I get to bring my good stuff, you get to bring your good stuff, right? And we meet each other there, and it's, it... The point of a relationship is just to relate to another person, right? To walk alongside them, to be a source of love, encouragement, enthusiasm, and to grow individually in your own right. But I agree with you that I think one of the biggest problems today with people or for people who haven't really taken the time to try and meet themselves, it is, "What can I get? What can I get? I'm not getting enough. I need to get more. This isn't what I wanted," with very little consideration for the other person in this third entity that is the relationship.

5. 9:27 – 12:21

   Building Stability and Emotional Safety

   1. JSJay Shetty9:27

      It's something that I'm really grappling with as we're talking about it to try and help people shift their perspective. Because we're not saying that it's growth that is growth that you, that brings you pain or stress or-

   2. QWQuinlan Walther9:42

      Mm-hmm

   3. JSJay Shetty9:42

      ... we're saying it's growth that inspires you to become better and be better.

   4. QWQuinlan Walther9:47

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JSJay Shetty9:48

      And it may take you a second to make it inspiring for each other.

   6. QWQuinlan Walther9:51

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JSJay Shetty9:52

      So in the start, it may rub you the... So for example, as you said, when Radhi comes up to me at the beginning and says, "Hey, I need you to do this or that," my ego's quite high, and I go, "Well, why don't you do it for yourself?" And then it drives a wedge between us.

   8. QWQuinlan Walther10:05

      Mm-hmm.

   9. JSJay Shetty10:05

      And then over time, you respect and love so much about this person that you start to go, "Well, wait a minute. Maybe they're saying it from the right place."

   10. QWQuinlan Walther10:12

       Mm.

   11. JSJay Shetty10:12

       Now I've grown to have the ability to recognize that everything she says is from a place of love.

   12. QWQuinlan Walther10:17

       Mm.

   13. JSJay Shetty10:17

       And now maybe I'll be able to receive it, and the third time she says it, I'm almost noticing I've been not present myself. And I can say, "Hey, I haven't been present." And now we're not trying to live in a world where I am always fully present, because that's never gonna happen.

   14. QWQuinlan Walther10:30

       Mm.

   15. JSJay Shetty10:30

       That's not realistic. But it goes from her saying it and me being triggered to her saying it and me being aware, and then me noticing it even before she says it so that I'm actually able to explain why I may not be present. Sometimes I'll say to Radhi, "Hey, you know what? The next week's really intense for me."

   16. QWQuinlan Walther10:47

       Mm-hmm.

   17. JSJay Shetty10:48

       "I think I'm just gonna be a, a bit less around because I've got some things to focus on, and I just want you to know it's got nothing to do with you," or, "I've just got a lot on right now." And I find that that's really helpful for a relationship.

   18. QWQuinlan Walther10:59

       And that's emotional safety. Choosing a partner and building a relationship that is based in trust, emotional safety. Your, your ability to see, hear Radhi's take and trust that she's coming from a loving place, not from a critical place, not from a defensive place. That requires emotional stability. That requires emotional safety. So when you choose a partner, look at this in early dating, is y- what is the character of the person that, that you're seeing? How do they treat their friends? How do they treat their family? Are they a person of integrity? Are they typically kind and well-intentioned? Because that's gonna bloom into a relationship with, with, uh, that same character.

   19. JSJay Shetty11:41

       Mm.

   20. QWQuinlan Walther11:41

       Right? Where someone gives you feedback, this person that you're building a relationship with gives you feedback, can you trust that they're well-intentioned in their feedback, that what they're asking for or what they're reflecting back to you is for the greater good of your connection, right? Um, or of simply a request to love them better, to love them in the way that they wanna be loved. And assuming you wanna be a person who does that, assuming you wanna be a person who participates in the emotional safety and the stability, then you're able to hearThat underneath the request or the feedback, et cetera, rather than get defensive. But it ha- it requires trust and it requires emotional safety. Absolutely

6. 12:21 – 14:09

   When Requests Become Unreasonable

   1. JSJay Shetty12:21

      Yeah. And, and how do you know the difference between someone's request being inherently good versus unreasonable? Because I imagine when people are dating, they may hear quite often, "Hey, I don't think you're present," or, "You missed my friend's birthday," or, "You missed this, you missed that," and you almost feel like they're not hearing you.

   2. QWQuinlan Walther12:39

      Mm-hmm.

   3. JSJay Shetty12:40

      How do you make sense or decipher between someone's feedback being inherently good and for the relationship versus just being an unreasonable request?

   4. QWQuinlan Walther12:51

      If there's too much black-and-white thinking, if someone comes to you and says, "You skipped my friend's birthday, you didn't remember that important meeting that I had last week, and you forgot to take out the trash, you must not love me. You don't care about this relationship, and I, I won't stand for it. I won't have it," that's unreasonable. That's, that's ego speaking. That's an insecurity. That's not kind. That's not a loving way [laughs] to communicate or to think. If someone can come to you and hold the nuance there, can see the color, "Hey, you've been really stressed, right? You had a really busy week. You forgot about my meeting. You missed my friend's birthday. You forgot to do the, you forgot to take out the trash like you said that you would. I know you've been busy. Can I help support you in some way? And is there any way that you can make the event next week with me?" It'd be really important, right? So it's, it, being able to hold, "Hey, this hurts. Hey, I see where you're coming from. You're a human with finite capacity [laughs] and I don't expect you to be a, a superhero here," and the relationship is important, right? There's, there's so much color in there. So I think the straightforward answer to your question is if it's black and white, if it's demanding, and if it really only considers one perspective, one side, then you might wanna consider a different approach.

7. 14:09 – 18:35

   Love Within Someone’s Capacity

   1. JSJay Shetty14:09

      Yeah, and that's really great awareness for ourselves as well.

   2. QWQuinlan Walther14:11

      Mm-hmm. [laughs]

   3. JSJay Shetty14:13

      Because [laughs] we don't want everyone else to communicate with us-

   4. QWQuinlan Walther14:15

      [laughs]

   5. JSJay Shetty14:15

      ... in an emotionally intelligent way, but then when it comes to us sharing our needs... And I, it's so interesting, when you were saying that, it resonates so deeply. It makes so much sense, and then I go, "Where do people even learn all of this," right? Like, we're doing this podcast so that people can learn and grow, but I'm listening to you going, "I don't know anyone who naturally communicates that way," because they didn't see that in their home.

   6. QWQuinlan Walther14:40

      Mm-hmm.

   7. JSJay Shetty14:40

      They didn't have that through friends or family. They didn't have any training, of course. And so we all do the other thing, which is, "You always choose yourself. You never show up for me. You don't love me." We, we all do that version.

   8. QWQuinlan Walther14:54

      Yeah.

   9. JSJay Shetty14:54

      And so sometimes you're in a relationship with someone and you see that, but then you're like, "But I've been with everyone else, and they-"

   10. QWQuinlan Walther15:00

       [laughs]

   11. JSJay Shetty15:00

       "... you know, they're worse than you."

   12. QWQuinlan Walther15:02

       [laughs]

   13. JSJay Shetty15:02

       "So I guess this is it."

   14. QWQuinlan Walther15:04

       You hear all the time love is consideration, right? Love is an action. Love is consideration. Yes, but not consideration beyond someone's capacity, right? People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. They can only meet you, um, given whatever, whatever em- emotional resources they have available to them at any given time. And where we get stuck is expecting someone to anticipate and meet our needs all the time, uncommunicated, and then there's this devastating disappointment when they don't, when they don't show up the way that we want them to. That's not a lack of love. That's dependency.

   15. JSJay Shetty15:44

       Mm.

   16. QWQuinlan Walther15:44

       That's a parent-child dynamic. Not having to ask, having all your needs tended to without a, you know, any forewarning or insight. That's not an adult-adult partnership. So you, you have to consider the kind of relationship you want to build, and the partner you wanna be is the other half of that because I'm assuming it's someone who is patient, who is willing to see the, the limited resources that someone has available at some time, right? Can, can tolerate a certain amount of disappointment when you aren't met in the ways that you wanna be met, someone who's loving and warm in their communication and their understanding. When you know you want to be those things, then you can start practicing. Even if it wasn't shown to you, you can take stock of where you aren't showing up in those ways, where you can be a little bit better at showing up in those ways. But I really, really think it starts with accountability first. Take a look at your side of the street. When you've taken a look at your side of the street, if you're in a relationship-

   17. JSJay Shetty16:44

       [laughs]

   18. QWQuinlan Walther16:44

       ... then bring it to conversation, right? Like, "Hey, let's co-create this thing together."

   19. JSJay Shetty16:48

       Yeah.

   20. QWQuinlan Walther16:48

       "How can we do this together?"

   21. JSJay Shetty16:49

       Yeah.

   22. QWQuinlan Walther16:50

       I think that's the way.

   23. JSJay Shetty16:51

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8. 18:35 – 22:42

   Are You Exhausted From Dating?

   1. JSJay Shetty18:35

      so many people right now, I'm sure you hear it all the time, are burnt out and exhausted with dating. They're just tired of dating, and they've either developed mindsets like, "There's no good men left."

   2. QWQuinlan Walther18:47

      Mm.

   3. JSJay Shetty18:48

      "All the good men are taken." "Oh, you know, well, she's not quite right." Whatever it may be, right? Everyone has their version, but e- people are exhausted with dating.

   4. QWQuinlan Walther18:57

      Mm-hmm.

   5. JSJay Shetty18:57

      We talked about what happens when you go out there starving. What do you do when you feel exhausted?

   6. QWQuinlan Walther19:03

      Well, you have two options. Number one, you can stop. [laughs] You can not date. That's an option. Take a breather. It doesn't have to be a full-time job. It doesn't have to feel like a full-time job. It's good to focus on other things. Or you can shift your expectations, not needing to walk into every first date as if you're interviewing for your future spouse, for the position of your future spouse. Like, such high stakes, such high pressure. Can you go in and try to have fun? You know, can, can you change the, the energy that you wanna bring to the room, where you're just meeting someone new? You're gonna go grab some dinner, you're gonna go grab coffee, you're gonna go grab drinks, whatever it is. Can I enjoy myself? Can I have fun with it? And deciding the energy you want to bring to the function typically allows you to enjoy the function more-

   7. JSJay Shetty19:54

      Mm

   8. QWQuinlan Walther19:55

      ... rather than feeling like, "Okay, here we go again, another disappointment," you know, "Another letdown, another waste of time." Don't do anything with that, with that mentality, with that energy or attitude. Um, so you can either stop or shift your energy, shift your perspective. [laughs]

   9. JSJay Shetty20:09

      Yeah. I was speaking to a friend the other day, and she was saying, she goes, she said to me, "I just wish men realized how long it takes a girl to get ready."

   10. QWQuinlan Walther20:17

       [laughs]

   11. JSJay Shetty20:17

       And she was like, "I got ready."

   12. QWQuinlan Walther20:19

       [laughs]

   13. JSJay Shetty20:20

       She was like, "I looked real cute."

   14. QWQuinlan Walther20:21

       [laughs]

   15. JSJay Shetty20:22

       And she was like, "He didn't say anything."

   16. QWQuinlan Walther20:24

       Oh.

   17. JSJay Shetty20:24

       She was like, this guy that she went on a first date with, she said, "He didn't say I looked lovely. He didn't say-"

   18. QWQuinlan Walther20:29

       Mm.

   19. JSJay Shetty20:29

       "... it was nice to see me. He didn't say it was lovely." He was just, she was just like, "I didn't feel like he-"

   20. QWQuinlan Walther20:35

       What a bummer.

   21. JSJay Shetty20:36

       Yeah, and she was so let down, and she was just like, "I, I really put effort into how I, you know, got ready. I was excited about it."

   22. QWQuinlan Walther20:43

       Yeah.

   23. JSJay Shetty20:43

       And it just felt like it wasn't just that he didn't notice her visually. It was ... She was like, "The conversation didn't go either." But I can imagine that that kinda feeling repetitively gets tiring.

   24. QWQuinlan Walther20:53

       Yeah.

   25. JSJay Shetty20:54

       But at the same time, you're so right that it gets tiring when there's really high stakes on it every time.

   26. QWQuinlan Walther21:01

       Mm-hmm.

   27. JSJay Shetty21:02

       And it being perfect or being the one or being the moment.

   28. QWQuinlan Walther21:05

       Yeah.

   29. JSJay Shetty21:05

       It's almost like, it's almost like you made it, you made it harder for yourself by going out wanting it to be the night.

   30. QWQuinlan Walther21:15

       Yes.
9. 22:42 – 24:05

   Does the Spark Really Matter?

   1. JSJay Shetty22:42

      Do you, do you believe the spark is real, and does it matter?

   2. QWQuinlan Walther22:47

      Absolutely. Spark is real, and it matters, but it changes, and it fades, and it grows in other, in other instances. I, I, I think you need to feel an immediate attraction to someone that you are romantically interested in. That doesn't mean you are flooded, overwhelmed, like, hot and sweaty, c- can't, can't catch your breath. You're ... Just doesn't have to be that. But you do need to think, "I'd like to be a little closer to them."

   3. JSJay Shetty23:16

      Mm.

   4. QWQuinlan Walther23:16

      "Scooch my chair a little bit cl- You know, I have to figure out a way to, to talk to them," you know? But that's, that's not to say that connection and intimacy and attraction can't grow over time. They absolutely do, especially for women. Especially for women. But you, you should find the person that you're dating attractive, and there should be a spark of, "Yes, I wanna be physically closer to them, but I also wanna know more about them."

   5. JSJay Shetty23:40

      Mm.

   6. QWQuinlan Walther23:40

      "There's some magic here. There's some, some something, something to work with," I think there has to be. But as you get to know a person, as the novelty wears off, that spark will change, and that's okay.

   7. JSJay Shetty23:55

      Mm.

   8. QWQuinlan Walther23:55

      I don't think we need to discount anyone if there isn't some immediate firework, and we should prepare for that spark to change if you plan on, on starting a long-term relationship.

10. 24:05 – 25:35

    When Attraction Misleads You

    1. JSJay Shetty24:05

       Yeah. When, when can the spark mislead us? How does it mislead us?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther24:08

       When it feels like you're on a rollercoaster, when you find yourself pining for someone. There's a ... I, I like to say we only obsess over people who aren't fully available to us, and that spark can really be mistaken, or the obsession can be mistaken for a spark, where there's something we're projecting onto someone that is so full-on it feels like an obsession. And-There's this, this gap between who they are and who they could be. The relationship that you could have and the relationship that you actually have. And that gap in between is a reflection of who you would get to be and how you would get to feel if the fantasy became a reality.

    3. JSJay Shetty24:52

       Mm.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther24:53

       And that can feel like a spark, can feel like a deep, overwhelming obsession. Anyone who's, who's been through this knows how all-consuming it can be. Um, but when we're projecting a fantasy onto someone, that spark can, can take us away into a whole other world.

    5. JSJay Shetty25:10

       Yeah, I fully agree. And, and it's so hard because when you're doing that, you don't even know you're doing it.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther25:15

       Nope. Nope. It's, um, typically not at first. If y- you experience it enough [laughs] times, right, is it'll be a pattern. It's probably happened. If it's happened once, it'll probably happen again, unless you catch it, because you shouldn't feel like you're falling off a cliff, right? You shouldn't feel like a free fall

11. 25:35 – 28:29

    Compatibility vs. Chemistry

    1. QWQuinlan Walther25:35

       of, of adrenaline and anxiety. You should be excited to see someone, excited to, to be around them, to, to get to know them, but it should not feel like the, the ground falls from underneath you-

    2. JSJay Shetty25:49

       Mm

    3. QWQuinlan Walther25:49

       ... um, when you're with them or not near them or uncertain about what's going to happen.

    4. JSJay Shetty25:53

       What's the difference between chemistry and compatibility, and what's more important over time?

    5. QWQuinlan Walther26:00

       I think compatibility in terms of shared values and visions of the future. People often mistake compatibility for similarity in all aspects, right? I need to find someone who likes the same movies I like, listens to the same music, prefers to eat all the same foods that I do, goes to sleep at the same time. Right? You don't need a, an identical copy of you. In fact, that would probably drive you crazy. What I think compatibil- compatibility really boils down to in a more important sense is how do you value your time, attention, and energy when it comes to the most important things in your life? If you are someone who values family, you want children one day, you wanna be married, you want a long-term partnership with love, honesty, trust, all those things, you need to find someone who values family, kids, being married, um, prioritizing the family above just their own innate desires.

    6. JSJay Shetty26:57

       Mm.

    7. QWQuinlan Walther26:57

       Right? You ha- those values have to align, otherwise you're headed for a disaster. Same thing with visions of the future. If you start dating someone who wants to live out of a van and travel around the country and wants to kind of have this nomadic life, a- and you wanna l- live two blocks away from your parents at, you know, in, in Iowa and forever, and that- that's home for you, I love that for both of you. You're probably not meant to be together.

    8. JSJay Shetty27:24

       Mm.

    9. QWQuinlan Walther27:24

       That'll be a really contentious relationship. I, I like to say don't order what's not on the menu [laughs] when you meet someone. [laughs] If they say work is their most important priority, that's their top value, don't get into a relationship expecting to change that about someone. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to you. That's compatibility. Chemistry, in my opinion, boils down to the magic that you feel just being around someone.

    10. JSJay Shetty27:55

        Yeah.

    11. QWQuinlan Walther27:56

        It can f- it's almost palpable. There's ... Whether that's a quiet intimacy, like a soft intimacy, you're pulled towards each other, whether it's banter and wit, have a similar sense of humor, whether it is sh- physical attraction, you just wanna jump their bones and you can't help but kiss them and all the things, that to me is chemistry. And you want, you want that. But chemistry won't build the long-term relationship, the long-term partnership that some people want. Not everyone. Some people don't,

12. 28:29 – 31:47

    How Black-and-White Thinking Hurts Love

    1. QWQuinlan Walther28:29

       but ...

    2. JSJay Shetty28:30

       I loved your distinction between compatibility and similarity.

    3. QWQuinlan Walther28:35

       Mm.

    4. JSJay Shetty28:36

       Because I think that's, to me, that's the real hurdle for people. Because I, I talk about this, where me and my wife are just completely the opposite people in terms of we don't have a lot in common when it comes to likes and dislikes and things like that. But from a values and vision point of view, we respect, and we don't even have the directly the same values and vision, but we respect each other so much that it allows for a healthy relationship. So my purpose, my work is my number one priority, and my wife's is her family. But I love when she spends time with her family, and she loves seeing me pursue my purpose, and therefore, there isn't conflict. Whereas, if she said, "Jay, you have to give up your purpose to be with my family," or if I said, "Well, you've gotta give up your family to spend time with my purpose," that wouldn't work for us.

    5. QWQuinlan Walther29:25

       Mm.

    6. JSJay Shetty29:25

       And I find that to be a really common thing I hear from people, where the biggest mistake you can make in a relationship is one of you wants the other person to change for them.

    7. QWQuinlan Walther29:36

       Mm.

    8. JSJay Shetty29:36

       And the other person doesn't want you to change at all.

    9. QWQuinlan Walther29:39

       Mm.

    10. JSJay Shetty29:39

        And the truth is, you're both gonna change, but not in the ways the other person wants you to.

    11. QWQuinlan Walther29:44

        Mm-hmm.

    12. JSJay Shetty29:45

        You're just gonna be- become who you are gonna become. And it's so interesting to me that I meet so many people who almost want their partner to play a very specific role in their life, not realizing that that human is evolving, growing, and shifting themselves and is unlikely to do that.

    13. QWQuinlan Walther30:02

        There's a real opportunity to see beyond ourselves if we find, find that dynamic at play, where I need them to show up in this way. They need to be just so. That's black-and-white thinking.

    14. JSJay Shetty30:16

        Mm.

    15. QWQuinlan Walther30:17

        That's ... Right? It's, it's limiting to you, it's limiting to the other person, and it's limiting to the relationship. That's the ... And that's hard to accept because if you're outsourcing all of your needs, desires, and wants onto another person, you're going to be disappointed. And if you expect to be met in all the ways you wanna be met all the time, you're going to be disappointed. There has to be a bit of accountability there.

    16. JSJay Shetty30:41

        Mm.

    17. QWQuinlan Walther30:41

        Where am I-Not taking care of myself. Where am I not pursuing what I really want to spend my time, attention, and energy on? That's ... There's probably a, a bit of that that's lacking. Because if you expect someone else to do it for you, to change in all the ways you want, that's a, that's a self-centered view.

    18. JSJay Shetty31:01

        Mm.

    19. QWQuinlan Walther31:02

        And you can at the very least consider how important is everything that I'm asking for right now? Could I live without this and still be okay, and still be happy? Maybe it's a season. Maybe it's just a season. People think love is supposed to carry them through decades and decades of relationship. Just love, just the feeling, that it should be peaceful and restful all of the time. Sometimes it's work. Some seasons are work, where, "Hey, I really want this," and they say, "I really don't." And your top value is your commitment to each other, then you're gonna figure it out, and that's probably gonna be a stormy season. But no one really likes hearing that.

    20. JSJay Shetty31:41

        Mm.

    21. QWQuinlan Walther31:42

        Because it means we have to tolerate some disappointment and take some accountability, which doesn't always feel very good.

13. 31:47 – 34:05

    Is Love Alone Ever Enough?

    1. JSJay Shetty31:47

       Is love enough?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther31:50

       Love the feeling or love the action?

    3. JSJay Shetty31:52

       You tell me.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther31:53

       Love the action is. Because love as an action is willingness, willingness to find the color, the nuance, the balance, willingness to learn to love someone how they want to be loved, willingness to show up and be loving when you feel the least loving. You know, people say, "I would die for my partner. I love them more than anything in this world. I would literally lay down and die for them." Okay, but would you put your phone down when they're telling you about your day? Do you take their hand when you're walking down the sidewalk with them? Do you notice when they come home from work and their mood is a little off? Do you take the time to stop and ask them about it, to remember the little things that they tell you, to care? That's love. That's love as an action. That's what keeps connection. Love as a feeling will be fleeting if we don't follow it, f- follow it through, follow it up with action.

    5. JSJay Shetty32:53

       Mm. So there is a difference between love the feeling and love the action.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther32:57

       I think so. Do you?

    7. JSJay Shetty32:58

       Yeah, no, I agree.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther32:59

       What's your take? [laughs]

    9. JSJay Shetty32:59

       I agree. No, I never thought about it like that. I think love the action requires so much more emotional intelligence and maturity than love the feeling. I think I was in love when I was 16.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther33:12

        All the time.

    11. JSJay Shetty33:13

        And-

    12. QWQuinlan Walther33:13

        Yes, yep

    13. JSJay Shetty33:14

        ... all the time.

    14. QWQuinlan Walther33:14

        Yep, all the time.

    15. JSJay Shetty33:15

        And I did not back that up with actions. I think going back to the piece about people changing, I think people change for people because they're so scared that that person has so many options. So I'd rather change to be everything you want me to be so that you don't leave me to find someone else. But in that process, I'll become someone I don't even recognize because I didn't want to become that person at all. And now you'll leave me anyway because you can tell I'm not really authentically that person. So it almost hurts twice. One in unbecoming yourself, and then in losing the other person anyway because you didn't become who they needed you to be. So many people today feel like there's plenty of fish in the sea. There's so many options.

14. 34:05 – 37:17

    What True Commitment Looks Like

    1. JSJay Shetty34:05

       What do you do when you meet someone, you like them, but you can tell that they have some detachment because they have this idea that there's plenty of fish in the sea?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther34:14

       Mm.

    3. JSJay Shetty34:14

       And you're trying to hold onto them. You can tell you're trying to hold onto them, knowing that they might ultimately let you go anyway.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther34:22

       Do you value commitment? Do you value someone who also knows what they want? If you have a, if you have a clear vision of the kind of relationship you want, the way you want your relationship to feel: consistent, reliable, warm, fun, the playful. When you understand that, becomes a lot easier to discern who's for you and who's not. Someone who's still worried about all the other fish in the sea, who's easily distracted, who t- catches ... that catches their eye, that catches their eye, and you feel like you have to control them. If it feels like you have to control them, it's not love, and you can't build a relationship, a fulfilling relationship from that place. So if you notice that they don't value the same things you do, they don't value commitment in the same ways, then they're probably not for you. Because the last thing you wanna do is chase after them, try and convince them to want the same things that you want and, "Please, I'll show you how good it'll be if you'll just choose me." Then you end up losing yourself in a, in the very ways that you're trying to avoid in the first place.

    5. JSJay Shetty35:25

       Mm. It's always hard. I always find that we're willing to tolerate bad behavior from someone we're really into-

    6. QWQuinlan Walther35:32

       Mm

    7. JSJay Shetty35:32

       ... versus someone we're kind of into.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther35:34

       Mm-hmm.

    9. JSJay Shetty35:34

       And so when we say we want reliability, if the person we're really into doesn't message back, we'll be patient. But if someone we're kind of into doesn't message back, we're like, "Oh, red flag."

    10. QWQuinlan Walther35:45

        That was me. That was ... I mean, that was, that was a childhood, childhood wound of am I lovable? Am I difficult to love? Who do I have to become to get someone to choose me to pay attention to me, right? So ooh, you kinda like me? You kind of are interested? You kind of pay enough attention? I'm gonna get the other 50% of that attention from you. I'm gonna earn it. I'm gonna tolerate the hurt, the disrespect, because you're giving me a little bit of what I want, and I'm gonna prove it. And then I'd get into relationships, fully chosen, stable love, very good people, and I'd test them. "No, you don't. You're ... Mm-mm. I'm gonna show you that I can rebel against this. I'm gonna show you that I'm hard to love so that then I can come back and earn it again." That is an [scoffs] that is a childhood wound that doesn't heal until you take accountability for it. It wasn't until I realized the pattern at play, and I got sick of my own shit. I got sick of the same hurt, the same anxiety, the s- the same cycle. It's like I don't want this.And then I took accountability and realized that the stability and the love that I was looking for was going to require me to make value-based decisions first and foremost, and really show up and support myself and soothe myself. When I wanted to run or when I wanted to beg or when I wanted to, to react, I had to learn to respond. S- little ins- little tidbit about me. [laughs]

15. 37:17 – 40:12

    Learning to Show Up for Yourself

    1. JSJay Shetty37:17

       I was gonna ask you, what, what did... How bad did it have to get for you to take accountability?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther37:23

       I really lost myself chasing the feeling of being chosen. Had given up on dreams, lost all confidence, tolerated just the worst possible behavior. Just was a shell of myself, really and truly. And when you reach that, that level, when, essentially rock bottom, you either have to pull yourself out, or you realize how deep and dark it'll feel until you find the courage. And you don't wanna live like that. I didn't wanna live like that. I knew that there was an option, and I knew it was gonna be hard, and I knew that it was [laughs] gonna take a hell of a lot of time, uh, attention, understanding, patience for myself. But one of the best things, one of the best things I've ever done. A big piece of what actually got me into this work, quite frankly.

    3. JSJay Shetty38:15

       Mm. Tell me about that.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther38:17

       The pattern I was just talking about, you know, choose me, see me, what can I do to earn your attention? That primarily came from my mother. And my mother died of cancer, um, back in 2019. And there was something about her death that was so devastating and yet so healing because of the a- the way we were able to repair before she passed. So we ha- we got to have these conversations, pe- peel back. We, we're so honest, so honest. And the safety and space it created, feeling seen and chosen and loved in such a way, even though it was the end. There was something about that moment, and obviously the journey of grief that came after that, that changed me to my core. And this was all happening around the same time, the, the feeling like I was at rock bottom, the, the death of my mother. There was so much going on there, where I realized that I was looking for evidence to confirm or deny the beliefs that I had learned in this mother-daughter dynamic growing up, that I was hard to love, that I was difficult to love, that I needed to fight to be chosen. I was looking for evidence to confirm that everywhere, and it felt awful. It felt awful. So there was a bit of the love and support and honesty that I was able to find in these conversations with my mother, and then the work that I did after she passed to learn to show up for myself and no longer tolerate those beliefs, no longer take those beliefs as fact. And that was really where, where the work was. That's where the work came

16. 40:12 – 42:56

    Healing Family Wounds and Finding Peace

    1. QWQuinlan Walther40:12

       from.

    2. JSJay Shetty40:13

       First of all, sorry for your loss, 'cause sh- it sounds like a really difficult time through everything that you just mentioned. And at the same time, my question is, how useful was it to repair with her? And could more of us heal our relationships with our future partners by repairing our relationships with our parents in any way?

    3. QWQuinlan Walther40:47

       If you have the option. If you have the option, it's worth a try. But you don't need to.

    4. JSJay Shetty40:55

       Mm.

    5. QWQuinlan Walther40:57

       You don't need to. And I, I was so blessed and so lucky to be able to, number one, have the time before she passed, because she was sick. Um, but for her to also have an open heart and an open mind to meet me there.

    6. JSJay Shetty41:10

       Mm.

    7. QWQuinlan Walther41:11

       I know that that's, that's not a luxury that everyone, everyone gets. And that's really hard.

    8. JSJay Shetty41:17

       Mm.

    9. QWQuinlan Walther41:17

       If anyone can relate to that, I, I just want to acknowledge how-- There's a grief in and of that.

    10. JSJay Shetty41:22

        Mm.

    11. QWQuinlan Walther41:22

        You know? That you, that you don't have s- a parent that will meet you in such a way. You don't have a person of such importance that will meet you, meet you there. But there absolutely is a process of s- a similar strategy I just explained that you can do on your own.

    12. JSJay Shetty41:39

        Mm.

    13. QWQuinlan Walther41:40

        Which is meeting yourself in the ways you wish that parent would meet you. What, what do you wish they would say? What do you wish they would validate about you? Because my guess is what you wish they would validate about you are the same things you bring into those romantic relationships.

    14. JSJay Shetty41:56

        Mm.

    15. QWQuinlan Walther41:56

        "I wish you would accept me. I wish you would just love-- I wish you would look at me and say, 'I'm so proud of you. I see you.'" There's probably a few flavors of that that show up in, in your conflict with your romantic partner, right? And if you're with someone who is safe and loving and patient romantically, you're, uh... You can have some of these conversations with them. "Hey, I feel this way." You know? Maybe it came from Mom or Dad, maybe it didn't. But communicating that, sharing that, that's how we grow in relationship, is by bringing these beliefs. "Hey, what I'm feeling is this. What I'm hearing in this conversation, I heard you just say that you don't love me and you don't care about this relationship." And they look at you like-

    16. JSJay Shetty42:38

        [laughs]

    17. QWQuinlan Walther42:39

        "I just told you that, that I, that I was gonna be home two hours late. What are you... I didn't... The wh- what?" Right? That's-- And that's where the understanding and the healing and the reprogramming really comes from. But it takes a hell of a lot of vulnerability.

    18. JSJay Shetty42:52

        Yeah.

    19. QWQuinlan Walther42:52

        That's not always comfortable, but it's always worth it.

    20. JSJay Shetty42:55

        Yeah.

17. 42:56 – 50:08

    Breaking the Criticism–Withdrawal Cycle

    1. QWQuinlan Walther42:56

       Always.

    2. JSJay Shetty42:56

       Yeah. One of my early experiences of love was-I was over-loved, and then I was made to feel guilty for not reciprocating back at that level. And so when I first started dating my wife, I would do exactly the same. I would over-love and then guilt her for not-

    3. QWQuinlan Walther43:14

       Mm

    4. JSJay Shetty43:15

       ... loving me in the same amount back.

    5. QWQuinlan Walther43:18

       Scoreboard.

    6. JSJay Shetty43:19

       Totally. And her reaction was very human and eventually helpful because I love her and there were so many other things that were so worthy of love, that her reaction was just she pulled away because she didn't understand. Because at one point she'd be like, "Well, I didn't ask for you to over-love me." And then she'd be like, "But I am loving you, just not exactly perfectly in the way that you're saying it." Like, and because I believed her and because I believed there was truth to it, I remember the moment the penny dropped for me where I was like, "Oh my gosh, like this is exactly me repeating a pattern."

    7. QWQuinlan Walther43:58

       Mm-hmm.

    8. JSJay Shetty43:59

       No wonder no one wants to... And I saw my sister do the same, and I just, I just noticed how like that was how we were trained to love. And I remember the moment I realized that, and I could find all these other patterns in how I loved my wife in a unhealthy way, it just transformed our entire relationship.

    9. QWQuinlan Walther44:18

       Mm.

    10. JSJay Shetty44:18

        Because now there weren't, there wasn't any of that. And it's so funny because I felt so righteous in that belief at the time, that I was like, "I must be right. Of course I'm right. I'm the one who's doing everything."

    11. QWQuinlan Walther44:30

        Where did it turn?

    12. JSJay Shetty44:32

        What do you mean?

    13. QWQuinlan Walther44:32

        Where, your realization, when did it... Was it something she said? Was it-

    14. JSJay Shetty44:36

        Well, it was, it was her pulling away.

    15. QWQuinlan Walther44:38

        Mm.

    16. JSJay Shetty44:38

        And it was almost like it kind of made the scoreboard not work.

    17. QWQuinlan Walther44:42

        Mm-hmm.

    18. JSJay Shetty44:43

        Because in my relationship with love, if someone did that to me, I just turned up how they wanted me to turn up.

    19. QWQuinlan Walther44:48

        But what was the thing that helped you realize that it was a, a personal pattern, the, the accountability of, "Oh, shit, that's my stuff to own"?

    20. JSJay Shetty44:57

        I think it w- it ended up, if I-- because it was so long ago now, I, I believe it was probably, uh, ended up being a conversation-

    21. QWQuinlan Walther45:03

        Mm

    22. JSJay Shetty45:03

        ... where I think my wife said something to me like, "I just don't know what I could ever do to make you happy." Like, I'm like, "I just don't know, like even if I did this and I did this and I did that, I don't even know if it would ever be enough."

    23. QWQuinlan Walther45:19

        Mm-hmm.

    24. JSJay Shetty45:20

        And I think when she said that to me and I thought about it, I was like, "Yeah, I think she's right. I don't think it would have." Even if she did all those things that I said I wanted-

    25. QWQuinlan Walther45:30

        Yes

    26. JSJay Shetty45:31

        ... or thought back, it would never be enough because I'd just find something else. And when I also started to realize that when I went above and beyond for her, it was never because she asked for it or wanted it, or even one of the things I went above and beyond for, so that was also self-inflicted. And actually, if I was more present and aware, then maybe I'd meet her with where she wants and what she wants.

    27. QWQuinlan Walther45:54

        Almost like you, almost so like you could get love.

    28. JSJay Shetty45:58

        Correct. Absolutely.

    29. QWQuinlan Walther45:59

        Mm.

    30. JSJay Shetty45:59

        That I felt I had to earn it, and-
18. 50:08 – 51:48

    Your Partner Reflects How You Love Yourself

    1. QWQuinlan Walther50:08

       Yes.

    2. JSJay Shetty50:08

       Um, but I wanted to ask you this question. You say ... One of my favorite things that you say, you said in a video that you can tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen. Tell me about that.

    3. QWQuinlan Walther50:20

       Well, I pose it as a question, because if you hear someone say, in, in the video I think you're referring to, s- how would you feel if someone said that they can tell how much you love yourself by the partner that you've chosen? Does that feel like a compliment or an insult?

    4. JSJay Shetty50:40

       [laughs]

    5. QWQuinlan Walther50:41

       And what it, that really distills down to, I'm not passing a judgment on your relationship, but the way you feel about that question can offer a lot of insight. Have you tolerated treatment that really, really doesn't feel great?

    6. JSJay Shetty50:59

       Mm.

    7. QWQuinlan Walther50:59

       It doesn't really feel loving. It's not what someone would put up with if they loved themselves. Or, man, I've chosen a really patient, loving, incredible person. You know, some part of me must like myself enough to choose someone who loves me in such a way. It's really, really most- mostly about reflection.

    8. JSJay Shetty51:19

       Mm.

    9. QWQuinlan Walther51:20

       What is it that we're choosing, and am I, am I making decisions, building relationships, investing in relationships that reflect love, love for myself, and a- and back to the values?

    10. JSJay Shetty51:32

        Mm.

    11. QWQuinlan Walther51:33

        Do you know? Am I making decision based on my values, or am I stagnant? Am I complacent? Am I participating in this, this negative dynamic as well? It's really about reflection-

    12. JSJay Shetty51:46

        Mm

    13. QWQuinlan Walther51:46

        ... and seeing what comes up for people.

19. 51:48 – 54:31

    Dating is Discernment, Marriage is Devotion

    1. JSJay Shetty51:48

       Yeah. It's a great reflection, such a great question, and it's a great way, if you're dating right now, to really make the right shifts and changes.

    2. QWQuinlan Walther51:57

       Absolutely.

    3. JSJay Shetty51:58

       And, and if you're married and you feel like you made the wrong decision, what would you do? If someone's listening to that and they're going, "Oof," like I'm listening to you right now, Q, and that, that feels tough because my partner's not present. I don't ... I know they love me, but, you know, I'm not sure we ... I think we lost it somewhere along the way. What would you say to them?

    4. QWQuinlan Walther52:23

       I love that distinction too. I s- I say dating is [laughs] dating is about discernment. Marriage is about devotion.

    5. JSJay Shetty52:30

       Mm.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther52:31

       Not the other way around.

    7. JSJay Shetty52:32

       Say that again.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther52:33

       Dating is about discernment, not devotion. Devotion is to be saved for marriage or long-term relationships, long-term partnerships. That's important as you're making decisions. But what I would say to someone who's realizing that maybe their relationship dynamic is not as loving as they would want it to be, first things first, take a look at your side of the street. That doesn't mean-

    9. JSJay Shetty53:01

       Mm.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther53:01

        That doesn't mean it's your fault. This is not a blame game, but if you envision the kind of relationship you want with this, this, with your husband, with your wife, with your partner, what does it consist of and how can you add more of that now? How can you be the first to add, to try? How can you show up as the partner you want to be? Where's the appreciation for the ways that they are making effort? It's really easy to get sucked into the, into a, a disappointment spiral. Like, you go down the rabbit hole and all you can see are the things that they aren't doing, the things they're doing wrong-

    11. JSJay Shetty53:36

        Mm

    12. QWQuinlan Walther53:36

        ... the ways that they aren't showing up. Pull yourself out of that.

    13. JSJay Shetty53:39

        Mm.

    14. QWQuinlan Walther53:40

        If you want your relationship to work, you have to pull yourself out of that.

    15. JSJay Shetty53:44

        Mm.

    16. QWQuinlan Walther53:44

        Even if you choose to leave, d- don't choose to leave in the bottom of the disappointment spiral. Anyway.

    17. JSJay Shetty53:49

        [laughs]

    18. QWQuinlan Walther53:49

        You cle- clean up your side of the street-

    19. JSJay Shetty53:52

        Yeah

    20. QWQuinlan Walther53:52

        ... and go first.

    21. JSJay Shetty53:53

        Great advice, yeah.

    22. QWQuinlan Walther53:54

        That's what I would say. The follow-up to that is have a conversation with your spouse. "Hey, I want more of this because I love you. I feel really distant. I feel really lonely. We both have a lot going on. Can we come up with a plan to reconnect? What do you want more of? Here's what I want more of. Can we get on board?" It doesn't have to be, uh, so humdrum, you know, negati- "Ugh, we have to fix this." It can be an exciting thing if you want it to be and if you come with the right energy.

    23. JSJay Shetty54:25

        Mm.

    24. QWQuinlan Walther54:25

        And if it is the right person, then they'll at least try to meet you there.

    25. JSJay Shetty54:30

        Yeah.

20. 54:31 – 58:47

    Real Change Takes Time

    1. JSJay Shetty54:31

       What's the difference between keeping someone accountable and trying to change them?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther54:36

       I don't think you can keep people accountable.

    3. JSJay Shetty54:38

       Mm.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther54:38

       I don't really believe that it's possible.

    5. JSJay Shetty54:41

       Or hold someone accountable.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther54:43

       If you're with someone who's really lacking consistency, they're not really following through on their word, and you're thinking, "I, I, I, I need a little bit more here. They're not taking initiative. I, I can't trust them to do what they say that they're going to do," you can bring that up. "This is what I'm noticing. I'm finding it hard to rely on you because you haven't done the things that you said that you were gonna do. I mean, can we talk about this?"And if they say, "I wanna be a more consistent, reliable person, thank you for bringing that to my attention," great. Now they wanna make that change. You've brought it to light. It is on them to make the change.

    7. JSJay Shetty55:22

       Mm.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther55:23

       You can lovingly, "Hey, again, this thing didn't get done," but it's, the buck stops there.

    9. JSJay Shetty55:30

       Yeah.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther55:30

        You can't be, you can't be breathing down their neck. You definitely don't wanna meet them with criticism or, or constant disappointment. People don't actually change from that place.

    11. JSJay Shetty55:40

        So true.

    12. QWQuinlan Walther55:40

        So if they wanna make the change themselves, great, beautiful, the onus is on them. You can be loving and supportive in the process, but I don't believe that we can really hold people accountable, and we definitely can't force them to change.

    13. JSJay Shetty55:51

        I fully agree. And, and I think the hardest part of it is you know how hard it is to change yourself. So even when someone says they want to change themselves, you gotta realize how hard that is, right? You may have your partner say to you, "Yeah, I, I really do wanna work out and get in the gym more," and then they're never in the gym. They're always watching sport. They're hanging out, whatever it is. You know how hard that is to do. And so it's such a interesting dynamic because we almost think change should be really easy for other people, knowing that it's really hard for ourselves, and then when they don't change, we're upset or disappointed in them. And if you just thought for a second about how hard it is to change yourself and build good habits yourself, I think you'd have more empathy and compassion for someone else. That's, that's how I see it at least.

    14. QWQuinlan Walther56:39

        We tend to judge ourselves by our, our intentions, and we tend to judge others by their actions or their follow-through or the result of their thing, right?

    15. JSJay Shetty56:49

        Mm.

    16. QWQuinlan Walther56:49

        So I meant to go to the gym five days this week. I really only made it once, but m- I intended to. I, you know, I had a lot going on. My intentions were good. I, I tried. They don't go to the gym five times a week. They only go once, and suddenly it's a reflection of their character, right?

    17. JSJay Shetty57:05

        Mm.

    18. QWQuinlan Walther57:05

        They're unreliable. They lack discipline. They aren't motivated. They... Let's hold on here. Let's, let's find the color amongst all this black-and-white thinking.

    19. JSJay Shetty57:14

        Yeah.

    20. QWQuinlan Walther57:14

        I totally agree.

    21. JSJay Shetty57:15

        Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, it's, it's the toughest one I see. It's... I always just feel like... And that's why I love that you said start on your side of the street because I think a lot of relationship language and y- podcasting and conversations right now are all about how do you spot if someone's good. And I'm just like, ooh, I, it's a dangerous game to play because in that scenario, you're always the detective and the secret agent, and the other person's always the villain in some way. And while that can be true in, in certain cases where there's extremes, the reality is most of us are all flawed and-

    22. QWQuinlan Walther57:50

        Yeah

    23. JSJay Shetty57:50

        ... making mistakes at the same time.

    24. QWQuinlan Walther57:52

        And if you want a peaceful, emotionally intelligent person, right, with all the, all of these traits that are, that are wonderful, I love that for you. You have to be the other half of that relationship.

    25. JSJay Shetty58:06

        Mm.

    26. QWQuinlan Walther58:07

        Right? You also want to be patient and calm, slow to conflict, kind with your words even when you're frustrated. You can handle some disappointment, and you're, you're, you, you want to be the other half of that loving relationship. It's not going to come from focusing on all the red flags you need to look out for and, and all the things that the, the specific ways they need to show up to prove to you that they are who they say that they are. Focus on your side of the street. Focus on being the other half of this relationship that you want so badly rather than trying to figure out the quick fixes to avoid all of the bad fish in the sea.

    27. JSJay Shetty58:45

        Mm.

    28. QWQuinlan Walther58:45

        It's a waste of time in my opinion.

    29. JSJay Shetty58:46

        Mm.

21. 58:47 – 1:00:26

    Why Every Relationship Needs Boundaries

    1. JSJay Shetty58:47

       You said in one of your videos, "The only people who are upset with your boundaries are the very same people who directly benefit from you not having any." I love that. Can you explain?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther59:00

       Someone who loves you wants you to have boundaries. Someone who loves you wants there to be limits on what you will and won't tolerate, what you have capacity for or don't have capacity for. That is necessary.

    3. JSJay Shetty59:16

       Mm.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther59:16

       Someone who loves you, and better yet, s- someone you want in your life, we can argue all day, do they love me or do they not? If they're disrespecting your boundaries, you probably don't want them to have much access to you energetically, emotionally. At the end of the day, boundaries aren't designed to keep people out. They aren't designed to hurt anyone's feelings. They're designed to maintain your finite amount of energy and attention, right? I, I can't say yes to everything.

    5. JSJay Shetty59:47

       Mm.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther59:47

       It, it doesn't ha- I can't say yes to everything and still show up in the ways that I wanna show up, you know, keep the character and integrity that I really like about myself. There's no way to do that. Someone who loves me is going to encourage that and respect that.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:00:00

       Mm.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:00:00

       And the people who benefit from you not having, the people who wanna take more from you, who want more, more, and more, who are more self-centered, they won't care.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:00:11

       Mm.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:00:12

        They won't care if it's for good for you or bad for you or not. They're more focused on themselves, and that's disrespectful. That's not loving, and that's not someone who should have an infinite amount of access to you.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:00:24

        Mm. How do you set an effective

22. 1:00:26 – 1:02:01

    How to Set Healthy Boundaries

    1. JSJay Shetty1:00:26

       boundary? Because I think we've got used to the language, but we don't really know how to do it. We think that a boundary protects you from other people, but really a boundary is something that protects you from yourself and your natural triggers or ways of behavior.

    2. QWQuinlan Walther1:00:42

       Mm.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:00:42

       So how do we set a behavior that protects us rather than trying to keep other people out?

    4. QWQuinlan Walther1:00:46

       A boundary is I will or won't blank if blank. I will or won't blank if blank. So that [laughs] means it is all within your control. I won't participate in this conversation if you yell at me again. I won't. Look, I, I'm gonna have to walk away.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:01:09

       Yeah, and you're not saying that to them. You need to know that as well.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther1:01:11

       Right. Ugh.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:01:12

       Yeah, yeah.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:01:12

       And, uh, either or, right?

    9. JSJay Shetty1:01:14

       Yeah.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:01:14

        I, I don't wanna participate in a relationship with someone who lies to me. I won't. I will not. You need to know that for yourself.Absolutely. You can share these things with other people, right? Just back to the, the, um, conversation with difficult parents.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:01:28

        Yeah.

    12. QWQuinlan Walther1:01:28

        [laughs] Or contentious relationships with your parents. You know, "I really value our relationship-

    13. JSJay Shetty1:01:34

        Mm

    14. QWQuinlan Walther1:01:34

        ... but I won't stay if you keep talking to me that way."

    15. JSJay Shetty1:01:39

        Mm.

    16. QWQuinlan Walther1:01:39

        "If you keep bringing up that issue, I'm gonna walk away." I will blank if blank-

    17. JSJay Shetty1:01:45

        Mm

    18. QWQuinlan Walther1:01:45

        ... is a boundary. Not you can't blank, blank, blank. Not you better not. The, it's not a threat. It's a rule for yourself.

    19. JSJay Shetty1:01:54

        Mm.

    20. QWQuinlan Walther1:01:54

        And your boundaries are for you to respect.

    21. JSJay Shetty1:01:56

        Mm. And that's the hardest part, right? I feel like we

23. 1:02:01 – 1:03:19

    Stop Compromising Your Own Boundaries

    1. JSJay Shetty1:02:01

       compromise our own boundaries. So we say things like, "I won't participate in this conversation if you lie to me," but then we continue to participate because it's not really a boundary, it's hoping they won't lie to you.

    2. QWQuinlan Walther1:02:14

       Mm-hmm.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:02:14

       Right? We're saying it hoping, "You'll stop lying if I threaten you."

    4. QWQuinlan Walther1:02:18

       Yes.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:02:19

       But you just said it's not a threat, it's a boundary if we recognize, "I have to leave now. So if you're lying, I now have to walk away," but we don't wanna do that because we're hoping they change.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther1:02:28

       Yes.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:02:29

       So it's like a secret, hidden hope-

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:02:32

       Yes

    9. JSJay Shetty1:02:32

       ... as opposed to a boundary.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:02:33

        The manipulation that you just kind of described, like, "I'm gonna say that I won't tolerate it, but then if you actually do it, then I will s- 'cause what I'm really trying to get is, is you to show up for me and trying to get you to love me, so I'm gonna k- mix in this threat," that's, that's, that's a hell of a lot of manipulation.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:02:49

        Mm.

    12. QWQuinlan Walther1:02:50

        Rather than having your own back, like really respecting yourself enough to say, "I will not tolerate this. My self-respect is not worth the emotional turmoil that comes from allowing this kind of behavior." That's really hard.

    13. JSJay Shetty1:03:08

        Mm.

    14. QWQuinlan Walther1:03:08

        That's really hard. You have to choose your self-respect over your desire to be chosen.

    15. JSJay Shetty1:03:13

        Mm-hmm.

    16. QWQuinlan Walther1:03:13

        Or your desire to not be alone. That's, that's paramount. Absolutely.

24. 1:03:19 – 1:05:38

    Are Soulmates Real?

    1. JSJay Shetty1:03:19

       Is there such a thing as the one or a soulmate?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther1:03:22

       The one is the one that you choose. The one is the person whose natural essence complements yours in a way that makes love and growth a little bit easier. A little bit, right? It's a little bit. Sometimes it's still hard.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:03:50

       [laughs]

    4. QWQuinlan Walther1:03:51

       But ideally, you choose well. You use discernment in the beginning. You admire someone's integrity. You really respect them. You really cherish them. You like them, [laughs] which is often an overlooked one. [laughs] You know, it's, "He's, he's th- this tall and he makes this much money, so he- he'll be the one." Well, okay, but do you like the guy?

    5. JSJay Shetty1:04:17

       [laughs]

    6. QWQuinlan Walther1:04:17

       You know? It's really important. And then you build the relationship from there, respecting the other person, respecting yourself, and again, creating this third entity. One thing I also think is overlooked when it comes to choosing the one and being the one, this is a, this, this is, this works for both sides. You need to be your partner, your person's biggest fan. I, I mean that with my whole heart. You need to be your partner's biggest fan, and if you can't, then you either need to check in on your insecurities, you either need to pay attention, or you've chosen the wrong person.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:04:56

       Mm.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:04:57

       If you don't want their dreams to come true, if you don't want them to succeed, if you don't want them to be their happiest, best self, do not promise to spend a lifetime with them. I really, really think that that's important and, and not talked about enough.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:05:15

       Mm.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:05:15

        I don't hear that very much. We talk about the conflict stuff, right? We talk about how to handle boundaries and how to do all of that, but you want someone in your corner. You want someone in your corner on your worst days, on your best days, and you wanna feel like you're on the same team.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:05:29

        Mm.

    12. QWQuinlan Walther1:05:29

        And I deeply believe you need to be your, your person's biggest fan, and that contributes to them being the one and building the right relationship.

25. 1:05:38 – 1:08:59

    What Should Love Feel Like?

    1. JSJay Shetty1:05:38

       Mm. When you were saying that, it was reminding me of wedding vows. And I was thinking about how we spend so long planning a wedding and not building a marriage.

    2. QWQuinlan Walther1:05:52

       Mm-hmm.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:05:53

       And just the discrepancy between the two, even how long you'll take to write your vows. But then to live up to those vows takes a whole different set of skills, and we don't really put that much effort into building those skills and working on those parts.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther1:06:08

       Maintaining those skills. [laughs]

    5. JSJay Shetty1:06:08

       Maintaining-

    6. QWQuinlan Walther1:06:09

       Yes

    7. JSJay Shetty1:06:09

       ... maintaining those skills. How do you know if you're in love with someone or just the idea of them?

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:06:18

       How do you know if you're in love with someone or just the idea of them?

    9. JSJay Shetty1:06:21

       Mm.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:06:22

        Is there a difference between how you wish they would be and how they actually are?

    11. JSJay Shetty1:06:29

        Mm-hmm.

    12. QWQuinlan Walther1:06:30

        How wide is that gap? How much of the relationship do you actually enjoy-

    13. JSJay Shetty1:06:38

        Mm

    14. QWQuinlan Walther1:06:39

        ... versus how much time are you spending trying to change them, trying to change the dynamic? I like to say if you allow your person to be exactly who they wanna be, without molding them, without controlling them, without micromanaging them, but you allow them to show up just as they are, does that help you feel more or less like the person you want to be? Does that feel more or less like the kind of relationship you want to be in?

    15. JSJay Shetty1:07:08

        Mm.

    16. QWQuinlan Walther1:07:09

        And it doesn't mean it's perfect. It doesn't mean it's all the time.

    17. JSJay Shetty1:07:11

        Yeah.

    18. QWQuinlan Walther1:07:11

        But if you ... It doesn't mean that they won't-

    19. JSJay Shetty1:07:13

        Yeah, yeah

    20. QWQuinlan Walther1:07:14

        ... change. It doesn't mean you can't change, but if you really allow them to be, if you accept them for exactly who they are, does that help or hinder?... what you want love to feel like.

    21. JSJay Shetty1:07:25

        Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

    22. QWQuinlan Walther1:07:26

        That's one question to ask.

    23. JSJay Shetty1:07:27

        Yeah, that's a great question. I love that question. It's, it's such an important question because that is who you're with-

    24. QWQuinlan Walther1:07:34

        Mm

    25. JSJay Shetty1:07:34

        ... 90% of the time.

    26. QWQuinlan Walther1:07:36

        Mm-hmm.

    27. JSJay Shetty1:07:36

        And that is what you'll experience. And yeah, if you're in love with the idea of them, then you're absolutely right. Your answer to that question will be no.

    28. QWQuinlan Walther1:07:45

        Mm-hmm.

    29. JSJay Shetty1:07:46

        Because I want them to be a bit more this, a bit more that, a bit more this.

    30. QWQuinlan Walther1:07:50

        And do you need a bit mo- Is, is that bit more that you're missing really, really important to you? If, if it is, by all means, do what you gotta do.
26. 1:08:59 – 1:13:49

    Do You Want a Partner or a Spouse?

    1. QWQuinlan Walther1:08:59

       a whole human all on their own, that we get the honor to love, and that tends, that tends to clear out a lot of the little bits that we aren't getting.

    2. JSJay Shetty1:09:09

       Yeah. That's beautiful.

    3. QWQuinlan Walther1:09:11

       You look at that person and you think, "My God, I really do love them."

    4. JSJay Shetty1:09:14

       Mm-hmm.

    5. QWQuinlan Walther1:09:14

       Look at the way that they do the dishes or tie their shoes. I love the way that, that they drive.

    6. JSJay Shetty1:09:20

       Yeah. [laughs]

    7. QWQuinlan Walther1:09:20

       And the way they dance to mus- I love, I love to watch them get ready and put... you know, do their morning routine or whatever. Like, you just look at that human and remember that it, that it's an honor-

    8. JSJay Shetty1:09:30

       Yeah

    9. QWQuinlan Walther1:09:31

       ... to love them. And maybe that'll clear out some of the bits that you're missing.

    10. JSJay Shetty1:09:35

        Yeah. What do you wish people asked themselves before they got married?

    11. QWQuinlan Walther1:09:41

        Do I want to be a partner, or do I want a spouse? And the difference there is when you want to be a partner, when you want to be someone's support system, when you want to be the co-creator of the marriage that you're about to step into, the life that you're going to build, there's accountability and responsibility in that, and it really allows you to focus on what you can control, which is how you show up. Now, assuming you're walking to, walking to [laughs] that altar and you know this person pretty damn well, and you've spent a good long time seeing who they are, s- understanding their heart, really caring for them, all of that, you're gonna have to remember that sometimes the best you can do is show up as the partner you wanna be. That you want to be, even if your seasons are, are misaligned. Um, Matthew McConaughey has this great bit in a podcast that he did where he says, "Sometimes you're walking and they're running."

    12. JSJay Shetty1:10:49

        Mm-hmm.

    13. QWQuinlan Walther1:10:50

        "And sometimes you're running and they're walking. And you just have to make sure that one doesn't get too far ahead of the other."

    14. JSJay Shetty1:10:56

        Mm-hmm.

    15. QWQuinlan Walther1:10:56

        And I love that.

    16. JSJay Shetty1:10:57

        Yeah.

    17. QWQuinlan Walther1:10:58

        I love him. Yes.

    18. JSJay Shetty1:10:58

        Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love that too. It's-

    19. QWQuinlan Walther1:11:00

        I think that's well said.

    20. JSJay Shetty1:11:01

        Yeah, absolutely. And, and I think it's about how you communicate when you are that. I, I've always thought about it as sometimes me and my wife are driving to the same event, but we're driving separately.

    21. QWQuinlan Walther1:11:12

        Mm-hmm.

    22. JSJay Shetty1:11:12

        She's gonna get there early, and I'm gonna be late, and so I'm on the phone and I'm like, "Hey, I'm gonna be late." And she's like, "Well, I'm gonna be early." And I'm like, "Okay. Well, do you wanna wait for me because you wanna go in together, or do you wanna go in without me and I'll follow you in there?" And she's like, "No, I want to wait for you to go in there together." And it's like you're both driving separately, but you're talking to each other the whole time-

    23. QWQuinlan Walther1:11:32

        Yeah

    24. JSJay Shetty1:11:32

        ... about where you're at, and that's that conversation that calms you both down rather than you have no idea what time that person's getting there. One of the challenges I find is that everyone wants their... A lot of what I hear is people want their partner to talk to them more emotionally and tell them more, and there's a lot of people who don't wanna do that or don't know how to do that or don't feel the need for it.

    25. QWQuinlan Walther1:11:55

        Mm-hmm.

    26. JSJay Shetty1:11:56

        And the person who wants to talk kind of gets a bit annoyed and frustrated and, and upset that their partner won't talk. What's your advice in that scenario?

    27. QWQuinlan Walther1:12:05

        What's the loving thing to do?

    28. JSJay Shetty1:12:06

        Mm.

    29. QWQuinlan Walther1:12:08

        You know? And that, that probably requires both sides of the aisle to adjust a little bit. You're not gonna get perfect words all the time. It's not gonna happen. And you're gonna have to give imperfect words a lot of the time.

    30. JSJay Shetty1:12:20

        Mm.
27. 1:13:49 – 1:17:26

    How to Move On After a Breakup

    1. JSJay Shetty1:13:49

       How do you start to trust yourself again when someone breaks up with you that you thought you were gonna be with for a long time?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther1:13:59

       Well, step one, grieve. You know, there's an acute phase of heartbreak where you don't have to do anything right or well, you can just be. That's step number one, especially if it's a, a breakup after a long, long relationship. The next step is reflection. You know, right now the story might be, "They left me. They didn't love me. All those years were wasted. How could I have done that? I should've known." Y- right? "I, I must be disposable." It's a lot. That's harsh. There's more color in that story. So what were some of the red flags or some of the, even just the disconnection, the things that weren't working? Take some accountability in that. You know, "I, I didn't communicate as well as I really wish that I would've" or, "You know what? I stayed way too long 'cause I tried to communicate and that person wasn't meeting me. That was really difficult." Take some accountability around how you may have contributed, what you want in your relationship moving forward, and more so focusing on who you wanna be now that that chapter has closed. Because I can tell you one thing, the person who is for you is the person who wants to be with you.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:15:17

       Mm.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther1:15:18

       If they aren't willing to try, they're definitely not your person.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:15:22

       Mm.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther1:15:22

       And I think that most things, most relationships can be worked out if they're, if two people are willing.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:15:29

       Mm.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:15:30

       If you want it to, barring some extreme cases. But if they're not willing, they're not your person. Now, when it comes to moving on specifically, I always say stop trying because we think that if, "Okay, if I just do all of these steps, I have to do this in the morning and this at night, and this is my evening routine, and then I'll wake up at s- someday and I'll be moved on," as if it's a destination. I say imagine yourself, tomorrow morning you wake up and you get what you wanted. You wanna move on. You wanna trust yourself again. If you knew for certain that you would wake up tomorrow and that was your reality, what would you do with yourself?

    9. JSJay Shetty1:16:09

       Oh, that's such a good question.

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:16:10

        What would you think about? How would you spend your time? What would you invest your, your energy into? Who would you spend your time with? What would you think about? What would you talk about? And then just start to do some of those things.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:16:21

        Mm.

    12. QWQuinlan Walther1:16:22

        Bring the grief with you. It's probably not gonna happen as fast as you want it to, but you want a direction. You want a clearer vision of where you're going so that you can head in that direction.

    13. JSJay Shetty1:16:31

        Yeah, so good. That's such a good answer because, yeah, all the little tips and tricks to try and move on quick, i- it doesn't process like that. And, and I love the idea of what would your life look like if you'd already moved on? Because that's what you're waiting for. You're waiting for that anyway. You're waiting for the day you've moved on and you can say, "I'm over it, and I'm ready for whatever."

    14. QWQuinlan Walther1:16:54

        Yes.

    15. JSJay Shetty1:16:54

        What is it? What does that look like? And start mirroring that today. That's brilliant.

    16. QWQuinlan Walther1:16:57

        You want the thing, right?

    17. JSJay Shetty1:16:58

        Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    18. QWQuinlan Walther1:16:58

        I just wanna move on.

    19. JSJay Shetty1:17:00

        Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    20. QWQuinlan Walther1:17:00

        What does that even mean to you?

    21. JSJay Shetty1:17:01

        Absolutely.

    22. QWQuinlan Walther1:17:01

        Like, let's define it.

    23. JSJay Shetty1:17:03

        Yeah.

    24. QWQuinlan Walther1:17:03

        That gives you something to, to move towards.

    25. JSJay Shetty1:17:06

        Yes.

    26. QWQuinlan Walther1:17:06

        Which is so important. And moving on doesn't even necessarily mean that you don't care. You might still care.

    27. JSJay Shetty1:17:12

        Yes.

    28. QWQuinlan Walther1:17:12

        You might care about that person for the rest of your life.

    29. JSJay Shetty1:17:13

        Yes.

    30. QWQuinlan Walther1:17:14

        But you wanna build whatever your next chapter is to be as enjoyable and intentional as possible.
28. 1:17:26 – 1:20:09

    You Are Not Hard to Love

    1. JSJay Shetty1:17:26

       I was, I was coaching someone earlier this year, and they were going through a breakup, and the first month they broke up, they talked about it every day. The second month after they broke up, they talked about it every other day. The third month, they talked about it every three days. The fourth month, they talked about it once a week.

    2. QWQuinlan Walther1:17:44

       Mm-hmm.

    3. JSJay Shetty1:17:44

       And then the fifth month, they thought about it once a, a month. And I had to remind them of that because to them, every reminder was as sharp as remembering it every day.

    4. QWQuinlan Walther1:17:55

       Yeah.

    5. JSJay Shetty1:17:56

       And I like people to think about it like that. You're not trying to get to a point where tomorrow you don't think about it at all. You're just thinking about it less because your life looks like how you want it to be and what it would be like if you were free. And I've always thought about that mindset. Even when I've had, even when you think about physical pain, if you wanna wake up tomorrow and you've had surgery or you're hurt or whatever, and you wanna be completely healed, it will never happen. You'll only ever be 1% better if you did all the right things.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther1:18:24

       Mm-hmm.

    7. JSJay Shetty1:18:25

       And as soon as you accept that all I need to do is be 1% better today, all of a sudden you see that progress. But when you're looking to be 100% better and you aren't, now you feel 99% behind.

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:18:35

       Mm.

    9. JSJay Shetty1:18:36

       And it just becomes so amplified, and that's what it feels like to be wanting to heal from a breakup, and you're constantly feeling on, "Why haven't I healed yet?"

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:18:43

        Mm.

    11. JSJay Shetty1:18:44

        That's that 90%.

    12. QWQuinlan Walther1:18:45

        And oftentimes there are beliefs, almost, almost identities that we find ourselves trying to, uh, finding ourselves wrestling with when a breakup happens. "No one will choose me. I'm never good enough. Nothing that I do is good enough. No one will stay. It was all my fault," or, "It was all their fault. How could they..." And we find these, these absolutes that are really, really difficult to-

    13. JSJay Shetty1:19:10

        Mm

    14. QWQuinlan Walther1:19:10

        ... do anything productive with. Truly. I mean, and it doesn't, it doesn't make you feel better emotionally. You, you can't really move yourself forward from there. And, and that's what I say about just be s- be malleable with the story.

    15. JSJay Shetty1:19:23

        Mm-hmm.

    16. QWQuinlan Walther1:19:24

        For a while, for the first month, for the first what- Add a maybe.

    17. JSJay Shetty1:19:28

        Mm.

    18. QWQuinlan Walther1:19:29

        Add a question mark to the end of that.Like, I'm difficult to love, question mark

    19. JSJay Shetty1:19:34

        Mm-hmm

    20. QWQuinlan Walther1:19:34

        Just, just

    21. JSJay Shetty1:19:35

        [laughs] That's good

    22. QWQuinlan Walther1:19:36

        Don't wrestle with the absolutes. Give yourself time and space to consider another narrative, 'cause I promise you there's color. There's nuance in that

    23. JSJay Shetty1:19:47

        Mm-hmm

    24. QWQuinlan Walther1:19:47

        They didn't leave because you're hard to love. Someone choosing not to love you is not a reflection of how lovable or unlovable you are. So you know that. Don't wrestle with the absolute. Give yourself time and space, would be another piece of advice

    25. JSJay Shetty1:20:02

        I like the question mark. That's good

    26. QWQuinlan Walther1:20:04

        [laughs]

    27. JSJay Shetty1:20:04

        Yeah. It's true. It's true. It's totally true

    28. QWQuinlan Walther1:20:07

        Yeah

    29. JSJay Shetty1:20:07

        It's totally true. I love that.

29. 1:20:09 – 1:22:18

    The Lessons Hidden in a Heartbreak

    1. JSJay Shetty1:20:09

       Q, have you ever had your heart broken?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther1:20:12

       Many times, in many different ways. Yeah. And it's... I have a, I have an interesting relationship with grief now. And in part, of course, my mom is, is a big part of that. But losing relationships and growing through heartbreak has always been a catalyst for me. And I don't say that as a, [laughs] like, "I'm so high and mighty, and this is so impressive." No, it's usually quite ugly, and it's usually quite messy to, to really look at yourself and put the pieces back together and, and try to move on. But I've always come out the other side liking myself more

    3. JSJay Shetty1:20:54

       Mm

    4. QWQuinlan Walther1:20:55

       ... accepting uglier parts of myself that I don't think I accepted previously. 'Cause you gotta take a real look at why you did what you did, how you showed up, the people that you chose, and sometimes that means accepting, like, man, I've been... I haven't been making the best choices. And I have to, you have to love that. You have to accept that. And it expands your capacity in a way that allows for the emotional flexibility we were talking about earlier, where the deepest heartbreak, losing my mom, losing people that I, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Losing that makes everything else a little bit easier to process. If I can survive that-

    5. JSJay Shetty1:21:43

       Yeah, yeah, yeah

    6. QWQuinlan Walther1:21:44

       ... I can survive a lot

    7. JSJay Shetty1:21:47

       Yeah

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:21:47

       A lot. And I've been there through all of that. I've picked myself back up. I've built a support system of people who, who remind me of that when, when I forget

    9. JSJay Shetty1:21:56

       Yeah

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:21:56

        Right? That's... But I really learned to like myself. I really learned to trust myself, and I really learned that there can be beauty in the mess if you stay put and go through it long enough to find the bigger story, the bigger meaning, the bigger narrative

    11. JSJay Shetty1:22:17

        Q, we end

30. 1:22:18 – 1:28:22

    Quinlan on Final Five

    1. JSJay Shetty1:22:18

       every episode of On Purpose with a Final Five. These five questions have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. And so Q, these are your Final Five. The first question is, what is the best love advice you've ever heard or received?

    2. QWQuinlan Walther1:22:33

       Do the loving thing

    3. JSJay Shetty1:22:34

       Mm

    4. QWQuinlan Walther1:22:35

       Comma, and choose appreciation. [laughs]

    5. JSJay Shetty1:22:39

       [laughs] I love it. You can do that. That's fine.

    6. QWQuinlan Walther1:22:40

       [laughs]

    7. JSJay Shetty1:22:40

       Commas are fine. That was, that was very well done. Uh, second question, what is the worst love advice you've ever heard or received?

    8. QWQuinlan Walther1:22:47

       Match their energy. Two wrongs don't make a right. That's the reality. You don't... Matching someone's energy means you're handing over your power

    9. JSJay Shetty1:22:59

       Mm-hmm

    10. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:00

        'Cause your power is in how you respond

    11. JSJay Shetty1:23:02

        Mm-hmm

    12. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:02

        Your power is in your intention. Are you going to add more negativity to a situation you don't already li- you already don't like? Maybe you can choose how you want to respond rather than matching someone's energy

    13. JSJay Shetty1:23:17

        Mm

    14. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:17

        And even more so, maybe your love, your decision to meet them in a way that they can't seem to meet themselves in that moment is exactly what they need

    15. JSJay Shetty1:23:26

        Mm. Love that. I always say to people, "You don't, you don't mess up your living room just because someone messy's coming over."

    16. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:35

        Right, yes. [laughs] That's well said

    17. JSJay Shetty1:23:37

        Right? You just don't do that

    18. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:38

        Yes

    19. JSJay Shetty1:23:38

        Like, it's like I'm not gonna match that energy because then I'm gonna start walking over my rugs with my dirty shoes and-

    20. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:45

        Right

    21. JSJay Shetty1:23:45

        ... like, why would I do that just because someone's coming over? It's like, no, they're, they're a messy person. That's fine. That's their mind and their space, and I'm not gonna messy up my mind because-

    22. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:55

        Yeah

    23. JSJay Shetty1:23:55

        ... we're interacting

    24. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:56

        It's a very inauthentic way-

    25. JSJay Shetty1:23:58

        Mm

    26. QWQuinlan Walther1:23:58

        ... to move through the world

    27. JSJay Shetty1:24:00

        Yeah

    28. QWQuinlan Walther1:24:00

        To build relationships

    29. JSJay Shetty1:24:01

        Absolutely. Uh, question number three, what did you used to believe to be true about love and romance that you don't anymore?

    30. QWQuinlan Walther1:24:10

        I used to believe that love the feeling-

Episode duration: 1:28:22