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Trevor Noah ON: For People Who FEEL LOST In Life, WATCH THIS To Find Yourself | Jay Shetty

Today, I am talking to Trevor Noah. Trevor is the most successful comedian in Africa and is the host of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning “The Daily Show” on Comedy Central. Under Trevor, “The Daily Show with Trevor Noah” has broken free from the restraints of a 30-minute linear show, producing engaging social content, award-winning digital series, podcasts and more for its global audience. He has written, produced, and starred in 11 comedy specials, including his most recent, “Trevor Noah: Son of Patricia,” which launched in November 2018 on Netflix. He is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller “Born a Crime: Stories from a South African Childhood” and its young readers adaptation “It’s Trevor Noah: Born a Crime: Stories from a South African Childhood,” which also debuted as a New York Times bestseller. Trevor opens the conversation by sharing what it was like growing up, how he sees the rest of the world, and why it felt like it was okay growing up the way he did. We then exchange thoughts and perspectives on topics such as finding the true meaning of having a ‘home’, the type of friends we often surround ourselves with and why, finding independence in a completely new and foreign place, and being mindful of yourself and in one with your inner thoughts. What We Discuss: 00:00:00 Intro 00:02:18 Same story, same book but different meaning 00:05:33 Comparing your hardships to others experiences 00:09:27 “It was not bad because it happened to everyone.” 00:13:27 Are you forced to be grateful for everything? 00:19:13 The true definition of the word home 00:21:39 What is your purpose? 00:25:19 Who are your friends? 00:35:43 Becoming unrelatable to people 00:44:43 How does a monk fire someone? 00:46:48 What is your idea of safety? 00:52:30 When’s the best time to walk away? 00:56:37 Having conversations with yourself 01:03:37 When you leave home 01:09:25 The burden our parents unconsciously give us 01:17:54 The Many Sides to Us 01:24:03 Trevor on Final Five

Jay Shettyhost

Dec 5, 20221h 31mWatch on YouTube ↗

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EVERY SPOKEN WORD

100 min read · 20,455 words

0:00 – 2:18
Intro
1. SPSpeaker
  We are so attached to the idea of who we are, you know, whether it's designed by what our parents always said about us. But sometimes I find I c- I would get so attached to that, that then I would be afraid to let go because I don't want to lose me. I don't want to lose me.
2. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
3. SPSpeaker
  I'm me, I know me. If I want to lose me, do I still love me? The bestselling author and host.
4. JSJay Shetty
  The number one health and wellness podcast. [laughs]
5. SPSpeaker
  On Purpose with Jay Shetty.
6. JSJay Shetty
  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world, thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, you know that one of my favorite ways to learn is by learning people's stories, by diving into their hearts, their minds, their, their souls if they're willing to share that, and try and understand what we can learn, what we can hear, what we don't understand. Maybe there's a part of their journey that we didn't know enough about, and I've found stories become a huge compass for me in my life, and that's why I try and share those with you here. And today's guest is someone that I've actually wanted to talk to for a long, long time. I would say I've been probably trying to book this podcast for, like, two years in the making, so I'm very, very excited this evening. And just so you know, he's had a crazy busy day. It is officially 7:45 PM on a Monday night when we're recording this in New York City. I'm talking about the one and only, someone who needs no introduction, Trevor Noah. Trevor, thank you so much for doing this.
7. SPSpeaker
  Thank you very much, Jay. I appreciate you.
8. JSJay Shetty
  Uh, I'm very grateful to have you in the, in the seat finally.
9. SPSpeaker
  It's good. I'm, I'm grateful to be talking to you in person. Most of the time I see you, I'm watching a clip of yours online, so-
10. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
11. SPSpeaker
  ... this is nice.
12. JSJay Shetty
  No, I really appreciate this, and my interview with you that we did when I was out talking about Calm was my favorite interview from that whole-
13. SPSpeaker
  Oh, wow. Thank you
14. JSJay Shetty
  ... experience because I felt that the questions you asked me were the most reflective. They were pushing me. They were challenging me in a healthy way, and I was just like, "Oh, well, you know, I, I want to sit down more and have more of those conversations with you."
15. SPSpeaker
  Thank you. Thank you.
16. JSJay Shetty
  So anyway, but, uh, I want to start with you, but, you know, your book Born a Crime is a brilliant, brilliant book, and I don't want to go through the whole book. I'd love for people to read it if they haven't. But I guess what I'm fascinated by is human experiences when we were children-
17. SPSpeaker
  Mm
18. JSJay Shetty
  ... or early on in our lives-
19. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm
20. JSJay Shetty
  ... that shaped us today, and I know you've reflected on that a lot. But now when you reflect on it today, what
2:18 – 5:33
Same story, same book but different meaning
1. JSJay Shetty
  are some of the examples of human experiences that you had that you think shaped who you are today? What was one of the earliest memories maybe?
2. SPSpeaker
  My mom is a Bible scholar, and she reads the Bible every day. Not all of it, but she-
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
4. SPSpeaker
  ... she moves through it every single day. What I found fascinating is that she's been reading the same book for decades now, and every day she'll send me an email or a message about a scripture and how it pertains to her life as she sees it now in this moment, how it has been, and how she thinks it will be. And what I found particularly fascinating about that is the fact that it's the same book, and yet it keeps meaning so many different things to her. The same story, but it keeps meaning so many different things. And I sometimes think about my life in that way, is depending on where I am, depending on the moment, depending on where I've been and where I'm going, the same experience reveals a different part of me. The same experience reveals why I am who I am or why I'm doing what I'm doing or why I even have an idea of who I am or why I am. And so recently maybe, since, you know, you're asking me what is one of these things, what is something, I think back to how not having shaped how I see the world, shaped how I move in the world, you know, not having food sometimes, not having money sometimes, not even having luxury items sometimes, you know, whether it be clothing or cars, whatever it may be. But, but recently I've, I've found myself going, man, so much of how you define yourself is through the lens of having or not having, particularly because of how you grew up.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. SPSpeaker
  And so it's, it's not about having or not having now, but it's in the small things, you know? It's like how I order food or why I order the food that I do in the way that I do is partially because of having or not having.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. SPSpeaker
  And so I would say that's maybe one of the biggest experiences that I find has, um, yeah, has recently been, like, just shining a light on, on, on how I grew up.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. That's fascinating. I, I've often reflected on something similar, and I've called it gifts or gaps, the having or not having.
10. SPSpeaker
  Interesting.
11. JSJay Shetty
  So certain gifts that I had growing up-
12. SPSpeaker
  Yeah
13. JSJay Shetty
  ... either handed to me by my-
14. SPSpeaker
  Yeah
15. JSJay Shetty
  ... parents or by my family.
16. SPSpeaker
  Oh, wow. Okay.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Right? Uh, often I-
18. SPSpeaker
  And then what are the gaps?
19. JSJay Shetty
  Well, there were gaps. Like, there were things that you didn't have.
20. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm.
21. JSJay Shetty
  So whether that would be a, a present parent or a-
22. SPSpeaker
  Right
23. JSJay Shetty
  ... uh, I didn't have the latest Nike-
24. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm
25. JSJay Shetty
  ... sneakers or Nike shoes as we would call them-
26. SPSpeaker
  Call them Nike, yeah. Same
27. JSJay Shetty
  ... in London. Yeah, or Nike. Yeah, exactly.
28. SPSpeaker
  Still in South Africa we call them Nike.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, Nike. Yeah. Nike.
30. SPSpeaker
  And then you meet Americans and you sound like an idiot.
5:33 – 9:27
Comparing your hardships to others experiences
1. JSJay Shetty
  feel like your behavior today wants an upgrade because of your new lifestyle or a downgrade? Or you kind of think, "No, I'm happy living with the same beliefs and values and systems that I had from back then"?
2. SPSpeaker
  All I'm constantly trying to do is acknowledge them.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
4. SPSpeaker
  I try my best to eliminate good or bad.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. SPSpeaker
  I really do. And the reason I do that is not because, you know, I, I exist in a, in a spiritual world, although I, I think we all do, but not because of that. I think of it more because I realize Everything and everyone is going to have a good or bad.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. SPSpeaker
  You know? So I have yet to meet a person who doesn't think some parts of their childhood were tough.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
10. SPSpeaker
  But now it's when we compare the toughness that, that people then say, "Oh, actually, I didn't have it tough. You had it tough." And, and, you know, like, people will say to me, "Oh, man, you grew up so poor in South Africa, and the-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
12. SPSpeaker
  ... you know, growing up in the township and whatever." And I would say to them, "I didn't feel like this," 'cause I would see, for instance, the slums in India.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
14. SPSpeaker
  I go like, "Man, yo, d-..." And, and, and maybe I was lucky, funny enough, because in South Africa, we had news that was, was global, and because it was, uh, it was so, um... I think it was so broad.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
16. SPSpeaker
  I had an awareness, so I didn't think what I was living through was the worst possible thing.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
18. SPSpeaker
  But now relative to how many other people live, they've put me down at the bottom of a list.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
20. SPSpeaker
  You know?
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yes, yes, yeah.
22. SPSpeaker
  And, and, yeah, and so I, I, I often don't think of it as good or bad.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
24. SPSpeaker
  I, I just try and go, "Oh, that happened. That didn't happen. Because of that, I adapted accordingly," you know?
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
26. SPSpeaker
  So, you know, th- there's, there's a lot of rainfall, so then this plant will start growing in that way. There isn't as much rainfall, the plant will grow another way. Is it good or is it bad? That's oftentimes something that's subjective because of who runs the world or who-
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
28. SPSpeaker
  ... tells us how the world should be or isn't or y- y- y- you get what I'm saying?
29. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, no, and, and I love that you've simplified it as awareness because that awareness or acknowledgement, as you say-
30. SPSpeaker
  I try, yeah. I try
9:27 – 13:27
“It was not bad because it happened to everyone.”
1. JSJay Shetty
  A- a- have you found that what you did go through, that you ever needed to process it or heal it, or because you had that perspective since day one that, that you never needed that? That it was just like, "No, this is my experience, and I'm used to it."
2. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Or were there re- were there moments of where you had to revisit and...?
4. SPSpeaker
  I work on healing every day.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. SPSpeaker
  You know? I grew up in a world where we almost didn't have the time nor the resources to heal.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. SPSpeaker
  And I think for a long time I was very comfortable in accepting that as just being my world. Oh, that happened. I, you know, I shrug it off, and you keep on moving.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
10. SPSpeaker
  Yeah, you, you shrug it off. That happened, that happened to you, you know, domestic abuse, uh, okay, poverty, whatever it may be, violence in the community or at home, whatever. Yeah, that happens. You keep it moving. You shrug it off because it is happening. And funny enough, you can grow up, and I knew I grew up in a world where I created this narrative in my head that it was not bad because it was happening to everyone.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm. Wow. Wow.
12. SPSpeaker
  And so-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Oh, yeah
14. SPSpeaker
  ... now most of my life, you know, is spent acknowledging that it was bad, and then spending a lot of time acknowledging how the bad created coping mechanisms or tools that I then use in my life every single day, and how I can accept those parts of myself whilst also not glorifying the things that happened.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
16. SPSpeaker
  Just sometimes I, I f- I fight with-
17. JSJay Shetty
  It's a fight
18. SPSpeaker
  ... a lot of people when they do this. I, I, I fight with all my friends, by the way.
19. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
20. SPSpeaker
  I hate to-
21. JSJay Shetty
  Friends from back home.
22. SPSpeaker
  Anyone.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah.
24. SPSpeaker
  Anyone.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
26. SPSpeaker
  I fight from friends, with friends from back.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
28. SPSpeaker
  I fight with anyone, Jay. Anyone. I'm never grateful for suffering. I'm never grateful for pain. I'm never-
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
30. SPSpeaker
  I'm not grateful for those things.
13:27 – 19:13
Are you forced to be grateful for everything?
1. SPSpeaker
  monk, are you forced to just be grateful for everything regardless of, of what it is?
2. JSJay Shetty
  No, I, I think what you're saying [laughs] is far more aligned with what I would think. Like-
3. SPSpeaker
  Oh, okay, okay
4. JSJay Shetty
  ... as in, as in I think that there's two parts, right? One is what the philosophy tries to share or-
5. SPSpeaker
  Yeah
6. JSJay Shetty
  ... or state, and then it's what you learn in the practice of that philosophy. So if you try and be grateful, like I just had, uh, this, this literally just happened, hence I'm talking about it. I just had a double inguinal hernia surgery, uh, which means that both my hernias, which are on either side of my groin, had to-
7. SPSpeaker
  Wow
8. JSJay Shetty
  ... I had to have incisions in my stomach-
9. SPSpeaker
  Wow
10. JSJay Shetty
  ... and a mesh put in there.
11. SPSpeaker
  Yep.
12. JSJay Shetty
  It's not life-threatening, but it's massively inconvenient.
13. SPSpeaker
  Yes.
14. JSJay Shetty
  And I was, I didn't work for three weeks.
15. SPSpeaker
  Mm.
16. JSJay Shetty
  This is my first week back at work, and I'm feeling much-
17. SPSpeaker
  The fun- the funniest is when you, you try and, um, you, you, you have like a sneeze or a cough the first time.
18. JSJay Shetty
  Have you had this?
19. SPSpeaker
  Yeah, and then you-
20. JSJay Shetty
  Oh my God, that like [laughs]
21. SPSpeaker
  ... you know what the funny, the funny is when it happens, and the first time you don't realize how painful it would be, and now your body doesn't allow you to cough or sneeze or... But it's amaze- it's almost funny to what we're talking about.
22. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
23. SPSpeaker
  This is what I mean, right? It is amazing how quickly your body responds to trauma or pain.
24. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
25. SPSpeaker
  It's amazing at how quickly it works to protect you from it. 'Cause if I said to you, "Don't sneeze or don't cough for three weeks", it's impossible.
26. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
27. SPSpeaker
  But one cough and one sneeze when you've had your hernia-
28. JSJay Shetty
  Oh my God
29. SPSpeaker
  ... or any surgery that's abdominal, your body goes, "I never want to experience that again."
30. JSJay Shetty
  Never.
19:13 – 21:39
The true definition of the word home
1. JSJay Shetty
  Like what is home to you today? Like how would you, how do you think about the word home?
2. SPSpeaker
  For me, the true definition of the word home is familiar.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
4. SPSpeaker
  Of the family. It's a repeated interaction. That's all home is to me.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. SPSpeaker
  You know? The reason you call it my home is because you go back to it every single day.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. SPSpeaker
  Uh, if somebody flipped all the furniture-
9. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
10. SPSpeaker
  ... and the house every day, you find you wouldn't, you'd say it doesn't feel like home.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
12. SPSpeaker
  But it is your home.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
14. SPSpeaker
  You know? I, I think-
15. JSJay Shetty
  It's your house, yeah.
16. SPSpeaker
  Yeah. Exactly.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah.
18. SPSpeaker
  My friends are my home, the languages, you know, I speak are my home, the food I eat in South Africa is my home. But my home starts to grow, it starts to change.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
20. SPSpeaker
  You know? I, I said this to a friend of mine when I got back from India, I said, "Man, it felt like home." And he was like, "What are you... India?"
21. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
22. SPSpeaker
  I said, "It's crazy, but it felt like home."
23. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
24. SPSpeaker
  You know, there, there were parts of Delhi where I was like, "This feels like home."
25. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
26. SPSpeaker
  You know? There are parts of Bangalore, Bengaluru, where it's like, "This feels like home."
27. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
28. SPSpeaker
  Do you know what I mean? It's like-
29. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
30. SPSpeaker
  And people are like, "What, how can it feel like home?" It's like, well, maybe 'cause part of it is reminiscent, you know, it reminds me of South Africa. We have an Indian population. It's huge, one of the biggest in the world. We, we have Indian culture. We- but also it's just, it's, it feels familiar. It feels like home.
21:39 – 25:19
What is your purpose?
1. SPSpeaker
  what, what would you say your, you feel your purpose is?
2. JSJay Shetty
  So my purpose is to help other people find their purpose.
3. SPSpeaker
  Okay.
4. JSJay Shetty
  And to me, my purpose is to be a vessel of being able to expose people to a number of different ideas, insights, paths, stories, walks of life, so that they can find theirs.
5. SPSpeaker
  Oh.
6. JSJay Shetty
  I don't think everyone's purpose looks like mine.
7. SPSpeaker
  Right.
8. JSJay Shetty
  I don't think everyone's path looks like mine, because I think one of the best things I got when I was a kid, and again, it goes back to my childhood experiences-
9. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm
10. JSJay Shetty
  ... my dad was really worried that I didn't read enough, and I would never be interested in reading fiction books at school. So we'd get the fiction books like Goosebumps, and then later on Harry Potter-
11. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm
12. JSJay Shetty
  ... and all these books, and I would never read them, and I wouldn't have any interest in them. So my dad was worried and my mom were worried that this kid's not gonna read. And now I was about, about 13 going on 14, and I still wasn't reading a lot, and so my dad started giving me biographies and autobiographies. And so I read, like by the time I was 16, I'd read Malcolm X, uh, Martin Luther King.
13. SPSpeaker
  Wow.
14. JSJay Shetty
  Uh, I was also reading like David Beckham and Dwayne-
15. SPSpeaker
  Yeah, yeah, yeah
16. JSJay Shetty
  ... "The Rock" Johnson-
17. SPSpeaker
  Yeah
18. JSJay Shetty
  ... because I was a massive soccer, football fan. And so I started just like collecting all these stories, and then as I told you when I sat on your show, like I met a monk when I was 18, and that was the story that my purpose felt connected to.
19. SPSpeaker
  Got it.
20. JSJay Shetty
  And so now I feel, I'm like, well, someone's gonna listen to Trevor's story and feel far more connected.
21. SPSpeaker
  Interesting.
22. JSJay Shetty
  And that may spark this kid out there to say, "Hey, maybe that's the kind of direction I want to go in." I feel like today we're, we're exposed to the same people online and on TV and streaming, and we're also exposed to the same parts of them.
23. SPSpeaker
  That's true.
24. JSJay Shetty
  And my hope is that this podcast, even if you're seeing someone who's famous and popular like yourself-
25. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm
26. JSJay Shetty
  ... hopefully people get a deeper insight into someone famous and popular.
27. SPSpeaker
  I hear what you're saying.
28. JSJay Shetty
  Or they get to meet someone random who's not famous and popular-
29. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm
30. JSJay Shetty
  ... but is interesting. So anyway, that's, that's my purpose.
25:19 – 35:43
Who are your friends?
1. JSJay Shetty
  how, A, who are the friends? What, what are you talking to them about? Like, h- what's your consistency? I'm, I'm fascinated by that because...
2. SPSpeaker
  So who are the friends? Predominantly my friends are from South Africa. Um, friends I met doing different things. All, all organic meetings, which, um, I'm a sucker for. I'm terrible at making friends, partially because I, I don't trust people easily. I exist in a world where I can be friendly with many people, but-
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
4. SPSpeaker
  ... you know, it takes me a while to accept that this person is actually a part of my life.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Right.
6. SPSpeaker
  And I think for a long time it, it was because, and still is sometimes, because, A, I have an idea of putting something on that person where I may need them means that they may disappoint me.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. SPSpeaker
  And then on the other side of it, them needing me means I could be in the position to disappoint them.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
10. SPSpeaker
  You know?
11. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
12. SPSpeaker
  And, and, and so as we learn people, I find we learn what they can and cannot do. We learn who they are or are not, and it's always situational for me. You know, that's, that's when I'll call you, like, a friend, is that I know how you are in most situations.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. It's a good definition.
14. SPSpeaker
  You know, that, that, that for me is the definition of a friend. So, you know, I can be... We use it loosely obviously, but, you know, I can be friends with you and we always meet for lunch and always meet for-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
16. SPSpeaker
  ... but, but then I only know you in, in one way. My friends, I start to be able to... I almost, almost store in a vault in my mind. I can say for a fact, if we're friends, if Jay was here, this would bother him. He would like that.
17. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
18. SPSpeaker
  He would probably say this-
19. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
20. SPSpeaker
  ... and that's why he would act this way.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
22. SPSpeaker
  And that's, you know?
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
24. SPSpeaker
  That's, that's how I think of my friends.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
26. SPSpeaker
  So they've been a, a major part of making me feel at home.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
28. SPSpeaker
  You know, my, my, my job, stand-up comedy is a really lonely career.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
30. SPSpeaker
  You know, and I, I remember talking to a comedian, it was a few weeks ago, talking about how there was, like, a period where a lot of stand-up comedians were committing suicide, y- you know, and would be... You'd hear this devastating story of a comedian that everyone loved. They were in a hotel room, and then they committed suicide.
35:43 – 44:43
Becoming unrelatable to people
1. JSJay Shetty
  How, how did you do it in such a way that when you became unrelatable to people? Like-
2. SPSpeaker
  Mm
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... how has that affected your friendships, your life, your relationships? Because at one point I'm guessing, you know, when, when you come to America, you crush-
4. SPSpeaker
  Yeah
5. JSJay Shetty
  ... on The Daily Show, things are going great.
6. SPSpeaker
  Yeah.
7. JSJay Shetty
  You know, Time's 100 Most Influential People. Like-
8. SPSpeaker
  Well, the crushing took some time, but yeah, okay, thank you. [laughs]
9. JSJay Shetty
  No, no, of course. No, no, no. No, it took s- I mean, it took some time-
10. SPSpeaker
  No, it's like it, it actually goes into your out-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
12. SPSpeaker
  ... it goes into your question.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. SPSpeaker
  Like, carry on.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Go on, yeah.
16. SPSpeaker
  No, no.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah.
18. SPSpeaker
  Carry on. Carry on, yeah.
19. JSJay Shetty
  And, and I just think that there's an interesting thing about being so grounded and c-
20. SPSpeaker
  Yeah
21. JSJay Shetty
  ... like, I f- I, I'm enjoying this conversation.
22. SPSpeaker
  Right.
23. JSJay Shetty
  It's f- it's fun. We're, like, just having a real conversation.
24. SPSpeaker
  Right.
25. JSJay Shetty
  But at the same time, to a lot of people externally you can start becoming more unrelatable.
26. SPSpeaker
  So what's interesting is this, the reason I, the reason I put it in, the reason I say the crushing wasn't instant.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
28. SPSpeaker
  Um, when you're on a journey, people oftentimes will remember the beginning of the journey and they will define the journey by the way it currently is or how it ended.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
30. SPSpeaker
  You know?
44:43 – 46:48
How does a monk fire someone?
1. JSJay Shetty
  time with.
2. SPSpeaker
  How does a monk fire someone?
3. JSJay Shetty
  How does a monk fire s- well, I'm not a monk anymore. I'm a, I'm a now- [laughs]
4. SPSpeaker
  I still would like, I'd love to know how does a monk fi- like, you sit the person down-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Oh, God. It is, uh, you know what? The thing about it, it is so uncomfortable.
6. SPSpeaker
  Oh, it is?
7. JSJay Shetty
  It is so uncomfortable.
8. SPSpeaker
  Okay. I thought maybe as a monk it was, like, super chill-
9. JSJay Shetty
  No
10. SPSpeaker
  ... and you just come in and you go, "In life-
11. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
12. SPSpeaker
  ... everything is happening to you. You know, everything that seems bad could be good-
13. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
14. SPSpeaker
  ... and so do not think of this-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Be grateful
16. SPSpeaker
  ... as me letting you go, but rather think of this as me setting you free."
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. [laughs]
18. SPSpeaker
  I thought maybe it would be something more like that.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Surrender. Yeah, then you have to end it with surrender. No, that would be brilliant, but-
20. SPSpeaker
  So it is uncomfortable.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Oh, it's so uncom-
22. SPSpeaker
  Okay
23. JSJay Shetty
  ... as in I've also been let go-
24. SPSpeaker
  Yes
25. JSJay Shetty
  ... so I know what it feels like.
26. SPSpeaker
  Yes. Yeah.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Like, I've been in a position where I think I've been let go poorly, where it hasn't been handled well.
28. SPSpeaker
  Oh, okay.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Where, and I'm very clear on how, like, having one skill set-
30. SPSpeaker
  Yeah
46:48 – 52:30
What is your idea of safety?
1. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
2. SPSpeaker
  How do you find the correct safety to convey? And, and what I mean by that is we all have a different idea of what safety means.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
4. SPSpeaker
  You know?
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
6. SPSpeaker
  Going back to the, your idea of, you know, when you were saying stability, instability earlier in the conversation.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
8. SPSpeaker
  One of the wildest discoveries I made in therapy was where I was speaking to my therapist, and I realized I am particularly comfortable in chaos.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
10. SPSpeaker
  That is where I'm most comfortable.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
12. SPSpeaker
  You know? If, if you're in an airport and y- you know, flights are being canceled and, you know, everything's being delayed, you want me rolling with you.
13. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
14. SPSpeaker
  Like I'm, that is me.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
16. SPSpeaker
  Problem? I solve it. I genuinely-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
18. SPSpeaker
  ... I find a beautiful hum of peace that comes over me-
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yes
20. SPSpeaker
  ... when there is chaos. Traffic, everything, cars, no-
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yes
22. SPSpeaker
  ... that's where I'm comfortable. C- and yet the flip I also discovered was true, is that when there's calm, now I'm in chaos.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
24. SPSpeaker
  You know? And so I learned that I felt safest-
25. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
26. SPSpeaker
  ... where most people didn't.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
28. SPSpeaker
  And I felt the least safe-
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
30. SPSpeaker
  ... where most people would.
52:30 – 56:37
When’s the best time to walk away?
1. JSJay Shetty
  And-
2. SPSpeaker
  How do you find the balance between knowing when to walk away and when the opportunity may present itself?
3. JSJay Shetty
  Such a great question.
4. SPSpeaker
  I feel like, I feel like that's the greatest challenge in life because sometimes you, you find yourself at an event, whatever it may be, a work event-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
6. SPSpeaker
  ... a friend's, whatever it may be. You go, oh man, I'm not having fun here. I'm not having a good time. I'm not... And then as you say, the one idea may be, hey, stay in this discomfort, and what may come from it is something special-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
8. SPSpeaker
  ... which oftentimes can happen. The flip is true as well. I stayed there for too long. I stayed in that relationship for too long.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
10. SPSpeaker
  I stayed at that job for too long.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
12. SPSpeaker
  I, I, I stayed in that environment for too long. It was discomfort, and I thought I was gonna get something out of it.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. SPSpeaker
  I often hear people saying that even, you know, they'll, they'll, you know, friends, colleagues, strangers sometimes I'll meet, they'll say, "Yeah, but I, I've just, it, I've been doing it for so long now-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
16. SPSpeaker
  ... and I just feel like maybe there's, there's, there's something and, and, you know." And then I, I will say, and I don't know if even if, uh, if I'm right, I go, "Maybe the lesson you're learning is when to walk away-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yes
18. SPSpeaker
  ... or how to walk away, but I don't even know this myself-
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
20. SPSpeaker
  ... as Trevor." You know, you may leave the thing that, that's making you uncomfortable. Because of that, you have a serendipitous experience.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Totally.
22. SPSpeaker
  And you go, "Oh, that's why I left, 'cause this was supposed to happen." You, we always confirm.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah. [laughs]
24. SPSpeaker
  We always have that confirmation bias.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Absolutely, yeah.
26. SPSpeaker
  Or you stay and then something happens and you go like, "Ah, I was always supposed to stay."
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
28. SPSpeaker
  So how do you, how do you, how do you know, or do you accept the fact that you don't know?
29. JSJay Shetty
  I think that's, I think you literally just answered. [laughs]
30. SPSpeaker
  Okay.
56:37 – 1:03:37
Having conversations with yourself
1. JSJay Shetty
  "Jay, when I've been on all day, I need to just reflect and decompress and think about stuff." Uh, has that always been a habit? Is there a method you use? Is there a s- is there an approach, or is it just something you naturally just go into that inner world?
2. SPSpeaker
  Although I'm not particularly religious, I would have to say growing up religious instilled within me the idea that I could have conversations with myself, and they were necessary in order for me to process what I was going through.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
4. SPSpeaker
  You know? That's, that's what prayer is in my opinion. It's a conversation that you are having multiple times a day. You are remembering, you are thinking, you are discussing, you are exposing your vulnerabilities, you are, whatever it may be, you are, you're doing.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. SPSpeaker
  In, in doing that as a little child, you know, getting on my knees and praying, one of my favorite lessons that my mom taught me was that your relationship with God is your relationship with God. You know, she, if I was in trouble, she wouldn't say to me, "Pray in front of me. Let me hear you pray." No. She'd be like, "You go and, go and pray." And so what I am grateful for in that experience was that my relationship with God was then always my relationship with God. It was my conversation. It wasn't performative. It, it wasn't... I, I remember as a little kid just, like, asking random questions, you know? I'd go to bed and I'd be like, "Oh, God, oh, man, why do I break things all the time?"
7. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
8. SPSpeaker
  Just like, "Why? I don't know what it is. Like, I mean, you are there with me. I don't know why. Why don't you stop me sometimes?"
9. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
10. SPSpeaker
  Like, you know, "You never stop me." And I'd, I'd just be there as a kid and I would, "I don't wanna break things, but then I broke it, and I knew it, it was gonna break. And now Mom's angry, and, ah, please try and make her not as angry." But I'd have these conversations and-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
12. SPSpeaker
  ... I would feel different afterwards.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
14. SPSpeaker
  I would feel better.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
16. SPSpeaker
  I would feel like I'd processed something.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
18. SPSpeaker
  And that is an element of prayer that I think a lot of people take for granted, is that processing of the information that's oftentimes just running away in your head.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
20. SPSpeaker
  Like, just really running away in your head. In that, I, I just try and ask questions. I always tell people, you know, I go like, "I don't know if I'm... I don't think I'm smart."
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
22. SPSpeaker
  "I think I'm, I think I am more and more confident in being an idiot, to be honest with you." You know? I have friends who I consider smart because I can ask them about anything, you know? I have friends who know about, you know, quantum gravity and whatever it is.
23. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
24. SPSpeaker
  Space books. I always go like, "You're reading space books again."
25. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
26. SPSpeaker
  I have friends who know about, you know, the, the deepest trenches of, of football history. I know friends who, they, I... They are smart in my opinion, but I'm proud to say I'm an idiot. And so when you let go of that sometimes, what I find is I, I then enjoy asking questions.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah.
28. SPSpeaker
  You know? I-
29. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
30. SPSpeaker
  In most of my work that's what I'm doing, is I'm asking questions. As a comedian, I'm asking questions of how we live in society.
1:03:37 – 1:09:25
When you leave home
1. SPSpeaker
  back to what we were talking about-
2. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
3. SPSpeaker
  ... about being an outsider, being an insider, where do I find home, where do I find-
4. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
5. SPSpeaker
  ... famil- familiarity, you are familiar with this to a certain degree because of moving out of the UK, going to India, you know, going on that journey, and then moving from there and then coming to America, it's another... One, one thing that happens to you when you leave home is that you have to then either find home, or you have to understand why this is home, or you have to become comfortable in a new space so that it will be your new, your new home.
6. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
7. SPSpeaker
  And the best way to do that is by understanding, is what I find.
8. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
9. SPSpeaker
  Oftentimes you aren't forced to understand if you are in the majority. If, if the norm is your world, you're fine.
10. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
11. SPSpeaker
  If everyone has your accent, well then you don't need to understand another accent.
12. JSJay Shetty
  Yes.
13. SPSpeaker
  If everybody is your skin color, you don't need to understand another skin color. Everybody's your culture, if everybody's your language, if everybody's your, you know, socioeconomic class, whatever it may be-
14. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
15. SPSpeaker
  ... then you don't need to understand.
16. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
17. SPSpeaker
  And so what I've grown up with, because I grew up with a Black woman, Xhosa woman being my mother, white man, Swiss man being my father, family mixed, country broken up, separated because of class, because of race predominantly, I, I found myself often having to understand.
18. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
19. SPSpeaker
  Whatever it was, language, culture, music, food, idea, I have to understand.
20. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
21. SPSpeaker
  And what I've found is that is often the fastest path to home, is just understanding, you know? A hammock is a terrible bed unless you understand how to sleep in it.
22. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
23. SPSpeaker
  And I think the same goes for everyone and everything. A foreign country doesn't feel like home until you understand the language.
24. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
25. SPSpeaker
  And then all of a sudden things start to work.
26. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
27. SPSpeaker
  You know? So when I ask a question of you, as Jay, I genuinely do it to understand, you know? Because if... You know, with you I, I agree, and I'm genuinely trying to understand more because-
28. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah, I know
29. SPSpeaker
  ... the things I may disagree with funny enough more is, like, how I'm living my life, and I'm trying to understand more about, like, how you see and then how do I... You know, it's not to agree or disagree but more to be like, "Oh, I need to understand this more."
30. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. That sense, yeah.
1:09:25 – 1:17:54
The burden our parents unconsciously give us
1. SPSpeaker
  did you deal with that feeling? Like, how did you deal with the idea, and I know you, you, you're saying it flippantly in conversation-
2. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah
3. SPSpeaker
  ... but, like, how did you deal with the pressure and the idea that you failed to reconcile what was happening between the two of them?
4. JSJay Shetty
  I think it took me years to accept that and to, to feel that way because I think when you're a kid, it's what you said, you just accept that this is normality.
5. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm.
6. JSJay Shetty
  So when I was a kid, I didn't even think of it.
7. SPSpeaker
  Right.
8. JSJay Shetty
  I said, "This is normal. Parents don't get along. I wanna help my mom out, I'm a good son. I wanna help my dad out."
9. SPSpeaker
  Yeah.
10. JSJay Shetty
  You know, we're figuring it out. And I'd probably say I spent a good part of, like, at least my adult life, so say from, well, maybe not even adult, maybe since I was 10. Like, maybe from 10 to 21.
11. SPSpeaker
  Wow, yeah.
12. JSJay Shetty
  Like, probably 11 years trying to fix that, and trying to think I could fix that-
13. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm
14. JSJay Shetty
  ... or that we could improve it. And while things got better-
15. SPSpeaker
  Sorry, just to interrupt you.
16. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah.
17. SPSpeaker
  To your point, because you were trying to create the safety-
18. JSJay Shetty
  Yes
19. SPSpeaker
  ... 'cause as a child, I feel like there are few things that make you feel less safe than your two parental figures, you know? Sorry, but carry on.
20. JSJay Shetty
  No, no, no, please.
21. SPSpeaker
  It's interesting. No, I'm just saying going back to the safety-
22. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah
23. SPSpeaker
  ... that you're saying.
24. JSJay Shetty
  Agreed.
25. SPSpeaker
  You were trying to make your world safe.
26. JSJay Shetty
  Because love didn't work. It didn't, it didn't matter how many Valentine's days there were.
27. SPSpeaker
  Yes.
28. JSJay Shetty
  It didn't matter how many-
29. SPSpeaker
  Yeah
30. JSJay Shetty
  ... romantic gestures. It didn't matter-
1:17:54 – 1:24:03
The Many Sides to Us
1. JSJay Shetty
  end the show with two segments.
2. SPSpeaker
  Okay.
3. JSJay Shetty
  These are fast segments.
4. SPSpeaker
  Okay.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Uh, you've been more than generous with your time. So the first segment is called, uh, The Many Sides to Us.
6. SPSpeaker
  Okay.
7. JSJay Shetty
  And so these you have to answer in one word.
8. SPSpeaker
  Okay.
9. JSJay Shetty
  And there's five questions. So are you ready?
10. SPSpeaker
  I'm ready.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Okay. What is one word to describe what someone would say about you meeting you for the first time?
12. SPSpeaker
  Friendly.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Friendly. Okay. Yeah. Friends and friendly, two different things-
14. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm
15. JSJay Shetty
  ... but friendly.
16. SPSpeaker
  Mm-hmm.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Okay. Uh, question number two: What is one word to describe what someone would say about you that knows you extremely well?
18. SPSpeaker
  Consistent.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Nice. Okay. Question number three: Uh, what is one word you'd use to describe yourself?
20. SPSpeaker
  Mercurial.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Okay. All right, now I'm gonna have to ask you to expand.
22. SPSpeaker
  [laughs]
23. JSJay Shetty
  Like, that, that, I was not expecting that word. That is a very, yeah. Tell me why that word. Like, you can now go off one word. Like...
24. SPSpeaker
  I'm consistent in the fact that I'm also mercurial. Part of it, funny enough, I, I, I think was not created by, but as, as somebody who has ADHD-
25. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
26. SPSpeaker
  ... it took me a long time to learn in life what that did to my brain-
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
28. SPSpeaker
  ... how that affected how I process time, an idea, a thought, a, uh, an object. Any, any inquiry that I would have could be in some way, shape, or form affected by that. And I think, funny enough, there's a, there's a huge misunderstanding. Sometimes I actually, you know, hate how we've created a lot of the conversations around the mind, is the best way to put it, you know? Because-
29. JSJay Shetty
  Tell me. Yeah, it's interesting
30. SPSpeaker
  ... because some of the, some of the terms have, have become so rote-
1:24:03 – 1:31:08
Trevor on Final Five
1. JSJay Shetty
  five. These are easy, one word to one sentence. What's the best advice you've ever received?
2. SPSpeaker
  Never assume.
3. JSJay Shetty
  That's a great piece of advice. Second question, what is the worst piece of advice you've ever heard?
4. SPSpeaker
  Always be yourself.
5. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
6. SPSpeaker
  [laughs]
7. JSJay Shetty
  That's really... All right, uh, quest-
8. SPSpeaker
  There are times-
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. Where-
10. SPSpeaker
  ... to be your s- don't just be yourse- people say they'll re- relax. But you just be yourself.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
12. SPSpeaker
  Relax.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. SPSpeaker
  Yeah. Know when to be yourself is a better piece of advice-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yes
16. SPSpeaker
  ... someone can give you.
17. JSJay Shetty
  That's good. Uh, question number three, what is something you used to value that you no longer value?
18. SPSpeaker
  Fame.
19. JSJay Shetty
  So there was a time when it was important and you... Yeah.
20. SPSpeaker
  Well, yeah. I think I, I thought that it would give me something that I'd searched for my whole life, and that was a certain sense of belonging. You know? Because there's a, there's a familiarity you have with people when you see them. I never cared for it through the lens of, like, "I'm better" or-
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yes, yeah
22. SPSpeaker
  ... no, but I was like, "Oh, man, everyone knows that person. Everyone likes that person" And you know, here I was, this kid, and I grew up alone for so long. I was like, "Oh, I, I'll be familiar" And the word fame, you know, when you look at the root, and I was like, "Oh, that, that thing. I'll be familiar" And then ironically, as I said, it jumps straight to you're unfamiliar. And so then I realized, I was like, oh man, you don't think that it'll come from something, but rather understand what you're trying to achieve, and then, you know, figure out how you're trying to get there.
23. JSJay Shetty
  That's beautiful. I love that. Uh, question number four, how would you define your current purpose?
24. SPSpeaker
  As being a fertilizer.
25. JSJay Shetty
  For?
26. SPSpeaker
  Everything and everyone I come into contact with, I would hope to be somebody who enriches the soil that I touch I would hope to be somebody who improves somebody's life in the slightest of ways, whether it's helping you solve a problem, whether it's giving you directions in the streets of New York, whether it's, uh, making you laugh at a show, you know, talking about politics, whatever it may be.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
28. SPSpeaker
  I would hope to do what a good fertilizer does in that it enables the soil to be richer, it enables the plant to grow taller. It, it, it brings all of the pieces together. You know? It, it becomes, it becomes a food, it becomes... It becomes a food that creates more food. You know? It, it's not, it's not a zero sum game.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
30. SPSpeaker
  And so I would say that that would probably be what I'd like to focus on most right now, even for myself, 'cause fertilizer even makes itself bigger.

Episode duration: 1:31:09

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