WATCH THIS EVERYDAY If You're Single & Want To FIND LOVE | Jay Shetty

Jay Shetty 0:00 So the five types of attraction are physical, financial, mental, emotional, and spiritual. And most of us get involved in a relationship based on the first three. People don't know how they want to receive love, and they don't know how to give love.

0:15 Yes.

0:15 And like we said earlier, that the old wisdom is-

0:18 Expected, yeah, yeah

0:19 ... is, is like to love and be loved is the biggest need. But we don't know how to love and how to give love, and we carry so much of our baggage from previous relationships and experiences-

0:29 So much

0:30 ... and we bring them into a new person. So it's like, "That person treated me like that, that must mean all men or all women are like that." Which means now when I'm with this woman, I'm going to look at her through the lens of the last person that I was with.

0:43 And look for them to, to, to create this experience again, right?

0:47 Exactly. Yeah, so you either-

0:48 Find evidence of why this person is this way. Yeah.

0:51 Exactly. And so now you're approaching each person with the baggage of the last person, which doesn't make sense. You're not coming at it from a fresh, new experience. With the same lessons for yourself, but we start applying the lessons to the other person. So I think that's the reason why we struggle to have an intimate connection.

1:08 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:08 Now, one of the things I talk about in here are the, are the five types of attraction.

1:11 Yes.

1:12 And, and the reason why I think this is the best way to figure out-

1:14 Attraction or love language?

1:15 No, no, these are the five types of attraction-

1:17 Okay

1:17 ... that I talk about.

1:18 Go ahead.

1:18 So the five types of attraction are physical, financial, mental, emotional, and spiritual. And I'll explain what I mean by all of them. So physical's obvious.

1:28 Yeah.

1:28 She or he is hot.

1:30 Attracted to them.

1:30 I'm attracted to them. Financial or wealth, I like what they own, I like what they have, I like what they've achieved. I, I like that he went to Princeton or Harvard.

1:40 Right.

1:40 I like that she's a-

1:41 That is the-

1:42 ... scientist or a CEO. I like that she's a supermodel. Like, you like their status, right? So you're attracted to that. The third thing that we're attracted to is people's mental abilities. This is like when you're attracted to someone's mind. Like, you just love the way they think. You love the way they articulate themselves. You love all of that. Like, you're attracted to that. The fourth is the emotional.

2:06 Yeah.

2:06 This is when you're attracted to someone's emotional intelligence. You're like, "Oh, they're very caring."

2:09 Yeah.

2:09 "They're compassionate. They-"

2:11 Supportive.

2:11 "They're supportive. They have these good traits." And the fifth and final one is spiritual, where you're like, you're, you're connected to that person's values on a very deep level.

2:18 Mm.

2:18 Like what they really live by. Now, notice the first three I equate them to chemistry.

2:24 Mm-hmm.

2:25 And the last two I equate to compatibility. So the first three are chemistry, and most of us get involved in a relationship based on the first three. But here's the issue. You can feel chemistry multiple times per day. You can feel it with the receptionist.

2:43 Right.

2:43 You can feel it with your personal trainer. You can feel it with the barista at the coffee shop. You can feel it with the waiter or the waitress.

2:49 The spark is fleeting.

2:49 The spark, you can feel that anywhere. Like, you can find someone attractive by one of those qualities every single day, and the challenge is we get into a relationship based on simply one of the first three.

3:02 Mm.

3:02 And there's nothing wrong with that as a starting point, it just can't be the end point. And so what we do is we keep convincing ourself that the first three of compa- chemistry is more powerful than the last two of compatibility, and we're letting chemistry do the heavy w- lifting.

3:18 But it can't.

3:18 We're let- And it can't. We're, we're making chemistry do the heavy lifting, the heavy work, the, like, pull and push and, like, okay, like, you, you just take care of this. That's why so many people rely on good sex to save a relationship. They-

3:30 There'll always be a conflict.

3:31 Totally.

3:31 If the values and the compatibility are not there, and you're relying on chemistry, there'll always be some conflict.

3:37 Always.

3:37 Yeah.

3:38 And, and chemistry really easily is those top three. And which is good to have, so you should, but my point is-

3:42 You need to have both

3:43 ... you need to have both. But you can't just say, "Because I'm mentally attracted to how that person thinks, that's good marriage material."

3:50 Mm.

3:51 That's not good enough. You can't say, "Because that..." Because some, we make broad generala- generalizations. We say things like, "Oh, because he or she has a top degree from a top college or a business school, and they're at a top company, they must be really kind, loving-

4:04 Right, compassionate

4:05 ... and organized." It's like, what?

4:07 Right.

4:07 Like, how did you just j-

4:07 They have good parents. Yeah.

4:09 Yeah, must have had good parents. How did you just draw that parallel? And so that's the way I would talk about entering a relationship is-

4:16 Wow

4:16 ... it can start with the first three, but don't let it end without the last two.

4:19 Mm. Yeah, have the emotional and the spiritual, the values along the way.

4:23 Correct. That has to align for a real long-lasting relationship.

4:26 I, I feel like I could do this for another three hours.

4:27 Me too, man.

4:28 This is amazing.

4:29 So good.

Jay Shetty 4:29 Um, I wanna finish with one, uh-

4:30 Yes

4:31 ... one thought about service, because you live a life of service. I feel like my mission is to be of service too.

4:37 You are, 100%.

4:37 In my business, in my relationships, with my friendships, it's all about service for me as well. And this is a, I think it's a quote from the Bhagavad Gita. Is that what it is? The, uh-

4:45 Which one is it?

4:46 Plant trees.

4:47 No, so this, this one is, like, a, a famous statement that we-

4:49 It's a statement. Gotcha

4:50 ... yeah, yeah, that we share. Yeah, yeah.

4:51 Where you say, "Plant trees under whose shade you do not plan to sit." I remember you told me that-

4:55 This one's from the Bhagavad Gita, yeah

4:56 ... you told me that a couple of years ago.

4:57 Yeah.

4:57 And I remember that really blew my mind, because in business when I started out, I think it was a lot of like, "Okay, let me do this for you, and you do this for me. Let's do reciprocal type of stuff." Uh, I was in the online marketing world, where it was about joint ventureships, it was about affiliate marketing, and I'll do this, and then you promote me, right? And then I started to shift it. When I got into the podcast seven years ago, I said, "I'm just gonna bring on people I like, and I'm just gonna serve. If it comes around, cool. If not, cool." And it's, it's hard, I think, to switch that mentality, but it's so rewarding to come from a place of giving and service, to literally wanting to see other people succeed, whether they help you or not in return.

5:39 Mm. Mm.

5:40 How do we get to that place with that mindset when we're like, "But I really need some help right now, and I really want someone to support me in return, and I don't wanna give all my energy to someone if they're never gonna give me anything in return"? How do we balance that?

5:53 Yeah. No, that's such a s- smart question, because I think the challenge is that we become overly compassionate often to people in a certain way. So, so what I mean by that is- Being compassionate and being giving isn't about spending your whole day with one person who needs your attention and affection if your purpose is to do something different. So for example, you're putting out this podcast. Mm-hmm. You put out video content. You write books. This is serving lots of different people in lots of ways, and you're not expecting, apart from the person buying the book- Right ... and, and getting the value from it, you're not really expecting them to do anything for you, right? Mm-hmm. You're not asking them to come and champion for you if they don't want to. So you're already planting those seeds. You're already sharing in that way, and I think the mistake we make is when we are overly compassionate to one person, and we're doing it expecting that they're gonna do something back, right? So the only way to- So we're, don't be overly compassionate expecting something in return. Yeah, don't... Just, just if you see yourself- Just don't do that if you're gonna, yeah ... just don't do that if you're gonna feel that. Yeah, yeah. And, and that's okay. Like, that doesn't make you less compassionate. It doesn't make you a bad person. Like, if I don't want to, and I, and I have rules about, there are certain people in my life that I don't ask for favors. Mm-hmm. Because I don't ever wanna be in a position where I'm having to ask them. No. Because not that they wouldn't do it or whatever, I just don't wanna do that. Yeah. It's just not who I am, and it's like, but that's fine, and there are certain people in my life that I won't give to because I know they're gonna keep asking for stuff. [laughs] Right. And so you have to protect yourself, and I think self-protection and being honest with yourself is the best way. So the, the... My favorite analogy in this is if someone's drowning in the ocean, if you're fit and healthy, and you're a lifeguard, great, you can go and save them. But if you're not, you might need to call the real lifeguard to come and help them out. Right. Wow. And that's what real compassion is. Yeah. Real compassion, if you can't help someone, if you're feeling toxic one day, you're feeling negative one day, you're feeling you're not really giving from your heart, it's better to introduce them to someone or find someone else who can help them than to go in there with all these toxic emotions, and now you're expecting them to live up- Return the favor ... return the favor. Or whatever, yeah. It's better to not do it. If you're gonna do something, and in your heart of hearts, you're actually feeling bitter and regretting it, it's better not to do it- Yeah ... because guess what? You weren't compassionate when you did it with that intention. Mm-hmm. Compassion's about intention. It's not about the result. Like, two people could give the same amount to charity. One person gives it for PR. One person gives it 'cause they care about the kids. Who's happy? The person who gave it for the kids. Right. The person... Both people's money had the same impact, but the intention is what defined what happened. So if you're be- begrudgingly going out and then helping someone be- and in your heart of hearts, you're like, "Oh, I can't believe they asked me. Who are they?" Like, "I don't even like them." Like, "They never help me," and then you help them, that, guess what? That's not compassion. Yeah. Protect yourself. Deal with it. Deal with that toxic emotion. So I don't help people that when I feel like that, and I give myself that, that space. You say no or, or I'm not busy, or- No, yeah, I just say no. Yeah, I can't... Well, I'll be honest with them. I'll say I, uh, honest in the best way that you can of I don't think I can support you on this because I d- I don't feel right about it, or it doesn't make sense to me- Yeah ... or whatever it is, like- It's not right fit or- It's not the right fit, and I think that's actually stopping yourself from being a people pleaser. Yes. Because we, we actually are not compassionate. We're just people pleasers. We actually just want people to think we're, like, magnanimous and amazing, so we'll go, and go to every, you know, everything to support everyone, but it's like- We're, we're resentful people pleasers. Exactly. We please, and then we're resentful that we've had- Exactly ... didn't get what we wanted in return. And then now we wanna make them feel guilty for not doing it back.

Jay Shetty 9:25 Right. Yeah, of course. So I make a conscious effort to support the people I love- Yes ... to, to make an effort with the people I love and do more there, and that's, that's fine. Your compassion doesn't a- You don't have to be this overarching person who's, like, doing it for everyone. Right, right. Like, that's, that's part of the journey. Yeah. It's gonna take time to get there. Of course. How do you know when you've found the one? And a lot of you have been asking, Jay, how do you know when you've found the one? So here you go. This is the video for you. If you've got any insights or ideas on how you know when you've found the one, write them in the comments while you're listening to me rambling on and giving you these insights. Now, think about it for a moment. In your life, you've probably had relationship and love advice from so many different people and places. You've probably had some from your family.

Speaker 10:04 Your grandpa, he just asked me to marry him one time, one day, and I was like, "No." [laughs]

Speaker 10:12 [laughs] No.

Jay Shetty 10:15 And you've probably had some from your friends.

Speaker 10:17 You're already saying I love you in this relationship? It's been, like, a month.

Jay Shetty 10:22 It's been three months.

Speaker 10:22 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 10:25 Not to forget you've definitely had tons of advice, knowingly or unknowingly, from the TV programs you watch.

Speaker 10:31 Dump her.

Jay Shetty 10:32 And without a doubt, the movies that you watch have had a massive impact on what you think love looks like. [romantic music] It still isn't over. And last but not least, the songs that you listen to. Every year, new movies, songs, TV programs are all released about finding love. You've got dating shows, reality TV, and every week, you have a new app that's promising you it will help you find the one. You've got apps that help you find vegan people, non-vegan people, people who love cars, people who love traveling. And then even-

11:10 Cuddlr. It connects you with people who are just looking to, you guessed it, cuddle.

11:14 Bristlr matches people with beards with those who want to stroke them. And some of those are pretty weird. And not only have we been exposed to so many different ideas and advice from what we consume, but even the people around us, from watching our parents to watching our friends to watching our aunts and uncles to watching the people that we grew up around. All of these ideas have left an imprint on what we think about love and finding the one. And all of these things also put ideas into our heads about what the other person likes. You know, girls like guys who drive cars like this. Guys like girls who dress like this. And this starts to form our ideas about what we believe about relationships. I'm gonna tell you one of my favorite ones. Maybe some of you have seen the movie A Bronx Tale. Maybe you haven't. You can check it out. And in the movie, there's a scene where this really cool, suave, I believe he's somewhat of a gangster guy, says to the younger guy who's kind of being mentored by him that you'll know when you found the one when a girl does this one thing. You wanna know what that one thing is?

Speaker 12:13 Yes

Jay Shetty 12:13 He says that the ideal girl is a girl that when you take her to your car, you open the door, you let her in, she sits down, and while you're walking around the back to get to the driver's seat, she'll lean over and open your door for you. If she doesn't do that, she's out, right? She's not the one. So it's crazy to believe that there's so many different stories, so many different examples of advice being given to us all across our lives. What I'm gonna do today is give you my top 10 ways of knowing when you've found the one. Are you ready? Here we go. Number one, they'll support and mutually respect your dreams. Now, that doesn't mean that they're gonna do your dreams for you. It doesn't mean that they're always gonna be there cheering you on. But it means that they respect your priority about your dreams. They value what you're chasing. They believe in it as much as you do, and they wanna see you get there. They're not trying to hold you back. They're not trying to stop you from getting there. They're not trying to restrict you and trap you in any way. They wanna see you grow genuinely.

Speaker 13:10 Follow your dreams.

Jay Shetty 13:13 Number two, they'll really be present with you in the moment. I love being around people who help me forget to look at my phone. That's the kind of person that you wanna be with, someone who's not distracted by their phone, by their messages, by their friends, by anything else. When they're with you, they're with you. If they keep forgetting what you're saying, chances are they're not the one. Are you even listening to me? Number three, the person is self-aware and knows their self-worth. They're independent. They're able to grow on their own. They have their own set of friends. They have their own set of values. They have their own set of priorities. Some of them may match with yours, but some of them may be different, but they're their own person. They're not looking for you to complete them. They're not looking for you to finish them. They're looking for you to enhance them and help them grow. They're growing with you, and they're gonna help you grow, too. I'm here to help. Number four is the tough one. It's called trust, probably one of the hardest, rarest thing in the world, and I'm talking about without checking.

Speaker 14:10 Are you spying on me?

Jay Shetty 14:11 Now, this one's a tough one because sometimes you find out the hard way, and some of us have been there. So my take is that trust should be earned. It's not something that should be given up front, but it's something that is earned. Usually, we have this belief that I either trust someone or I don't trust them at all. My idea is that there's actually layers of trust. You have no trust at the bottom, but then there's step one, step two, step three, step four, et cetera, which leads to unconditional trust. The challenge is we put our expectation when we're with someone that we can unconditionally trust them, and actually their trust level's down here. That gap is exactly how much pain you end up feeling. Remember, trust is something that's earned. Don't give it straight away. Let that person, through their actions and their thoughts and their words, earn your trust.

Speaker 14:53 You're gonna have to earn it.

Jay Shetty 14:56 Number five, you don't always need someone or something else to keep the chemistry, keep the entertainment, and make things fresh. When you feel like you always need an external form of thrill or excitement to keep everything special between you two, it's a sign that you may not actually be connecting with each other, but connecting with that other thing.

Speaker 15:14 Wanna sit and watch some more TV?

Jay Shetty 15:17 Number six, you can spend time apart, but can't wait to be back. So you're comfortable traveling different parts of the world for work, studying in different areas of the world, maybe in the same country, maybe in a different one, but you can't wait to be together. And the challenge is that we usually get frustrated. When you're apart from someone that you love or want to be with, you start getting frustrated, and you take it out on them, which actually weakens the relationship. You know when you've found the one because you'll realize that you don't let that frustration affect your relationship with them. You find other ways of releasing, sharing that, but you're making sure that you're not ruining your own relationship because of the frustration of not being together in the first place.

Speaker 15:53 I don't wanna fight with you.

Jay Shetty 15:55 Number seven, you can disagree. This is the tough one. People think that you've found the one when you agree on everything, when you like the same stuff, when everything matches. That's not true at all. You can actually disagree with that person. You can have different ideas, and you still learn to work together. It's pretty difficult to find anyone in the world who agrees with you on absolutely everything. So to expect to find the one who has that, that's pretty unlikely.

Speaker 16:23 I disagree.

Jay Shetty 16:24 Number eight, you don't have to like each other's friends. I think there's so much pressure to be liked by the other person's friends, for them to like your friends, for your friends to like them. Chances are that you're putting in way too many tick boxes that are gonna be quite difficult to manage. Now, if your friends think that they're totally crazy, or they think your friends are crazy, definitely take a look at that.

16:44 She's very picky, dude.

16:45 But the truth is that it's important that you guys get along. Even if they're friends with a whole different circle of people and you're friends with a whole different circle of people, that doesn't mean you can't be great together.

16:54 We are great together. We are a great team.

16:57 Number nine, you can be your real self, not your LinkedIn profile, not your Facebook profile, not your Instagram profile, not your Twitter profile. You can let go of all those identities and just be yourself. Who are you really? And finally, number 10, you argue not to get one up on each other, not to beat the other person, not to defeat the other person, but so that you can come to a healthy conclusion together. It's more of a discussion rather than an argument or a debate because it's not about who's

Jay Shetty 17:27 right, but it's about making sure that you come to the right conclusion together. You telling someone like, "These are the three things she wants in bed," like, that's not gonna change your relationship if you aren't compatible, if you don't connect, if you don't speak the right love languages, if you're not empathetic, if you're not vulnerable. Like, then that three lists of this and seven lists of that isn't gonna do anything. It's void. And, and that's where I'm trying to get to with people, because I don't want people to use sex as a substitute for that. Mm-hmm. And I don't want people to use sex as an excuse for that. Mm-hmm. And I don't want people to use sex as a coverup for not having any of that. Because I know, having been in tons of relationships where it was just physical- Mm-hmm ... and that's all there was. Mm-hmm. That's the only time it felt good. Mm-hmm. It didn't feel good at any other time. I didn't go home with a beautiful feeling in my heart. And then when it's only about that, that's also when it can be easily replaced. Right. Because that's easily changeable. Right. And that's why I think so many people go through, and I talk about in my videos so much about cheating and loyalty Because when it is just physical, it becomes so much more easier to just disconnect and throw it away

Speaker 18:25 All those things happen.

Jay Shetty 18:26 Yeah.

Speaker 18:27 And now heartbreak.

Jay Shetty 18:28 Yes.

Speaker 18:28 What's your advice on heartbreak?

Jay Shetty 18:30 Oof. I like-

Speaker 18:31 I know you have, you have a video up, it's like the five things people should do through a heartbreak-

Jay Shetty 18:36 Yes, yeah

Speaker 18:36 ... and one of them is like, get rid of everything from the past and only focus on the present-

Jay Shetty 18:41 Yeah

Speaker 18:41 ... and the future.

Jay Shetty 18:41 Yeah. I like-

Speaker 18:42 That's hard for people

Jay Shetty 18:43 ... I like getting rid of visual triggers. I think the challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're surrounded by the same sounds, the same sights-

Speaker 18:52 Right

Jay Shetty 18:52 ... and the same people that we were in our past. And I see this with anything, and I'm sure you've felt this. When you went deeper into your faith, did your circles change?

Speaker 19:01 100%.

Jay Shetty 19:01 Right. When you went deeper into your faith, did what you look at change?

Speaker 19:05 100%.

Jay Shetty 19:06 Right. So you look at any-

Speaker 19:07 My heart changed

Jay Shetty 19:08 ... your heart changed.

Speaker 19:08 Because-

Jay Shetty 19:09 But internal and external.

Speaker 19:10 Yes, because for me, when I transformed in my faith, it was a transformation of my heart-

Jay Shetty 19:14 Yes

Speaker 19:15 ... not about what I was actually doing or not doing.

Jay Shetty 19:17 Correct. And that's what I feel for anyone. Anyone that I've witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life, their environments have changed. And so for me, a lot of us are making it harder for yourself. It's like saying, "I wanna start working out every day, but I don't own any trainers." Right? It's like that's not gonna work. It's like doing the opposite. Like, I want to go on a diet, but I'm gonna keep chocolate cake in my refrigerator.

Speaker 19:40 Right.

Jay Shetty 19:40 Right? Like it's, it's that. So you're saying-

Speaker 19:42 So you're enabling yourself

Jay Shetty 19:43 ... I wanna get over the past-

Speaker 19:44 Yeah

Jay Shetty 19:44 ... but I'm gonna keep my ex's sweater right next to me, and I'm gonna keep all these text messages that I can keep reading through again.

Speaker 19:51 What, why do people go back and read text messages-

Jay Shetty 19:54 Because-

Speaker 19:54 ... from someone that broke their heart?

Jay Shetty 19:56 Because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful, right? The feeling of nostalgia, and this is in studies too, like the research about nostalgia is you always think things were better in the past with something like that.

Speaker 20:08 Mm.

Jay Shetty 20:08 So you read a message and you're like, "Oh, but they loved me so much." And now all you're doing is reality's here, and you've got your own version of reality playing here. So you're basically writing your own movie script up here when reality's telling you this, and nostalgia is that script.

Speaker 20:23 It's that fantasy that's never gonna become.

Jay Shetty 20:24 It's that fantasy that isn't real. So it's you saying, "I don't want to accept what is, and I'm trying to accept what if."

Speaker 20:31 Those people who can't get over that, that hump-

Jay Shetty 20:34 Mm-hmm

Speaker 20:34 ... what do you tell them?

Jay Shetty 20:36 Ooh. [laughs] One of the biggest things like, uh-

Speaker 20:38 Do you really wanna know? [laughs]

Jay Shetty 20:39 No, no, no. No, no, no. It's a good, it's a good conversation. I think one of the biggest things I say to people is just like, let's kind of break their space that they're in.

Speaker 20:47 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 20:48 It's almost like that person needs a space change, and they, they need to get out of that zone. And so for me, I'm always encouraging people to start doing new things.

Speaker 20:56 Mm.

Jay Shetty 20:56 I think it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience.

Speaker 20:59 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 20:59 When you try something new, you join a new class, you've never done it before. Because guess what? It's about finding yourself again. So you're now learning new things about yourself.

Speaker 21:08 Mm.

Jay Shetty 21:08 You're now falling in love with yourself.

Speaker 21:10 It's about falling in love with yourself.

Jay Shetty 21:11 Correct. And I think that the biggest mistake we make in that time is everyone's telling you, "Oh, when's the rebound?" Like, "Are you gonna date this guy? When are you gonna start dating again?" Or this girl, "When are you gonna be out there again?" And it's almost like, well, no, maybe it's about I go inside this time and spend some time with myself.

Speaker 21:25 Yep.

Jay Shetty 21:26 And I think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that, because you only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself, right? Like-

Speaker 21:35 Whoo, preach

Jay Shetty 21:35 ... you never, like you never do new things with ourselves.

Speaker 21:38 Mm-mm.

Jay Shetty 21:38 You're always, you're always doing the same things with the same people. But imagine you started doing new things on your own, and now you have new memories. And one of the things I've been talking about a lot with people is forming new memories. If you don't make new memories, the old ones will always hold you back.

Speaker 21:53 Mm.

Jay Shetty 21:54 And that's why we're stuck in the old, because we're not making any new ones.

Speaker 21:57 Mm.

Jay Shetty 21:57 So the new, the old ones just keep pulling you back. So the best way to make new memories is, A, set up an experience, do it with a friend that you love. And when you go out there, it's this technique that's often used for grounding in therapy and everything, but I use it for presence, and that's how we were trained in it as monks. When you go somewhere and you're like, "I wanna take a mental picture of this." How many times have you ever said that, where you go somewhere and you're like, "I wanna-

Speaker 22:16 Yeah

Jay Shetty 22:16 ... have this in my mind and I wanna keep it forever"?

Speaker 22:18 And the iPhone camera's not going to be able to capture it.

Jay Shetty 22:19 And the, and the camera's not gonna do it. It's not gonna keep it emotionally. And I think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that are new. So the best way to do it is called 54321.

Speaker 22:29 Okay.

Jay Shetty 22:30 So when you're in a space, and let's say I wanna do it of this, I look at five things that I can see. So five things that I can see right now.

Speaker 22:36 Okay.

Jay Shetty 22:36 So I'm gonna say you-

Speaker 22:38 Okay

Jay Shetty 22:38 ... obviously.

Speaker 22:38 Yep.

Jay Shetty 22:38 Important part of the memory.

Speaker 22:40 Oh, you're important too.

Jay Shetty 22:40 Yeah. [laughs] Yeah.

Speaker 22:41 I'm doing it, I'm doing it with you.

Jay Shetty 22:42 Yeah. I'm gonna say the rug.

Speaker 22:43 Okay.

Jay Shetty 22:44 So I'm going for space.

Speaker 22:45 Okay.

Jay Shetty 22:45 I'm gonna look at the ceiling.

Speaker 22:46 Okay.

Jay Shetty 22:46 So one, two, three, four. I'm gonna say the couch.

Speaker 22:49 Okay.

Jay Shetty 22:49 So there are five things that I can see. The second thing is four things that you can touch.

Speaker 22:53 Okay.

Jay Shetty 22:54 So four things I can touch. So-

Speaker 22:56 My silky dress.

Jay Shetty 22:57 Your silk.

Speaker 22:57 My really dry skin.

Jay Shetty 22:59 You're good at descriptions.

Speaker 23:00 My-

Jay Shetty 23:00 Silky dress, dry skin. This is good

Speaker 23:02 ... the rough-

Jay Shetty 23:02 Textured raft

Speaker 23:03 ... the texture.

Jay Shetty 23:03 Yeah.

Speaker 23:03 Yes. And oh, my glass.

Jay Shetty 23:05 Ooh, yeah. Perfect. Four things.

Speaker 23:07 Glass of water.

Jay Shetty 23:07 Amazing. Three things that you can hear.

Speaker 23:11 I can hear the light.

Jay Shetty 23:12 Yes.

Speaker 23:12 I can hear myself swallow, and I can hear your voice.

Jay Shetty 23:14 Perfect. And then two things that you can smell.

Speaker 23:18 I can smell my garlic breath.

Jay Shetty 23:20 [laughs]

Speaker 23:21 [laughs] And, um, I'm having a hard time smelling basically anything because I'm seven months pregnant, but-

Jay Shetty 23:27 Sure, so nothing.

Speaker 23:29 You can hear how clogged I am.

Jay Shetty 23:31 Yeah, me too.

Speaker 23:31 But maybe my perfume.

Jay Shetty 23:33 Okay.

Speaker 23:33 Okay.

Jay Shetty 23:33 Great. And then one thing-

Speaker 23:34 It's all about me.

Jay Shetty 23:35 Yeah. No, that's good. And then one thing you can taste.

Speaker 23:37 Garlic.

Jay Shetty 23:38 Great. So, so if you did that in an experience that you wanna [laughs] hold onto forever-

Speaker 23:43 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 23:44 ... all you have to do to, to make a mental picture, take a mental picture of everything, is do 54321.

Speaker 23:49 54321.

Jay Shetty 23:49 Five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

Speaker 23:56 I really like that.

Jay Shetty 23:57 Yeah, it's beautiful. And so-

Speaker 23:58 54321

Jay Shetty 23:58 ... and this is what I mean by when you're going through a breakup, the biggest mistake you make is the old memories hold you back because you don't know how to make new memories.

Speaker 24:04 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 24:04 And so my, my advice to everyone is go and make new memories.

Speaker 24:08 Okay, so I did Tony Robbins, right?

Jay Shetty 24:09 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 24:09 And it was enlightening, it was fun. And the biggest thing that I came away with was I don't live in the present.

Jay Shetty 24:16 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 24:16 I'm constantly living for the what's next?

Jay Shetty 24:19 Yes.

Speaker 24:19 Here we go. You know, okay, team-

Jay Shetty 24:21 Here we go

Speaker 24:21 ... it's time to hustle.

Jay Shetty 24:22 Yeah.

Speaker 24:23 And he said, "What are you grateful for?" And I mean, I could sit there and say I'm grateful for my health, I'm grateful for my family, I'm gra- you know, like I could list a few things.

Jay Shetty 24:30 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 24:30 But he said, "What are you grateful for in your career?" And it's like I had to really go deep.

Jay Shetty 24:36 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 24:37 I think that maybe if I started doing the five, four, three, two, one, I would be able to go back to experiences-

Jay Shetty 24:45 Yes

Speaker 24:46 ... that I thought my heart remembered, but my mind didn't.

Jay Shetty 24:51 Totally.

Speaker 24:51 And I am totally implementing five, four, three, two, one.

Jay Shetty 24:54 And that's exactly what it's ... So today, it's used for a lot of people who struggle with anxiety to bring them back into the moment.

Speaker 24:59 Mm.

Jay Shetty 24:59 When we were trained in as monks, it was what we did for presence, like exactly what you said.

Speaker 25:03 Right.

Jay Shetty 25:03 And this is why the biggest mistake we make is when you're having an experience, the only sense we activate is the eyes. And that's why when you're trying to think of a past memory, you go, "What was it again?"

Speaker 25:12 Right.

Jay Shetty 25:13 Because you have to close your eyes, 'cause that was the only one that was activated.

Speaker 25:15 Oh.

Jay Shetty 25:15 Whereas what we've done with five, four, three, two, one is you've now absorbed this memory through all the five senses, which means each one of them is gonna give you a different path.

Speaker 25:24 I like it.

Jay Shetty 25:25 Yeah.

Speaker 25:25 Wow. All right. Switching gears a little bit.

Jay Shetty 25:27 Of course.

Speaker 25:27 I really feel like insecurities-

Jay Shetty 25:29 Mm

Speaker 25:30 ... breed negativity, right?

Jay Shetty 25:32 Yeah.

Speaker 25:32 And a motto that I like to live by is, "Kill people with kindness."

Jay Shetty 25:36 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 25:36 What do you think about that phrase?

Jay Shetty 25:38 Yeah. I love that.

Speaker 25:39 You do?

Jay Shetty 25:39 I, I agree with you completely. This is the beautiful thing that happens. When you say thank you to someone who's kind to you, it does three things. The first thing is you recognize kindness. So now you're triggering your mind to start recognizing kindness, and you're now recognizing kindness in them.

Speaker 25:54 Mm.

Jay Shetty 25:55 The second thing you do is you reinforce kindness in them. They realize, they're like, "Oh, when I'm kind, people appreciate it."

Speaker 26:00 Right.

Jay Shetty 26:01 "So I'm gonna be more kind." So you've now reinforced kindness within them. And the third thing is you help them repeat it. Now that you've shown them that their kindness is reciprocated, they're now gonna be kind to more people. So now you've started this domino effect of kindness just by thanking one person.

Speaker 26:17 Who knew?

Jay Shetty 26:17 Yeah.

Speaker 26:18 It's so interesting-

Jay Shetty 26:19 Yeah

Speaker 26:19 ... to hear you talk about being a monk and, like, how you spent half the day working on yourself and half of the other day working to give out to others. And what is your take on putting yourself first?

Jay Shetty 26:30 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 26:30 And, like, is it selfish?

Jay Shetty 26:32 So with, with monk teachings, the point is you are taking care of yourself first in order to serve better.

Speaker 26:41 Mm.

Jay Shetty 26:41 So it's always like I'm gonna put myself first so that I can fill up, so that I can serve with more.

Speaker 26:47 So I can-

Jay Shetty 26:48 Because we wanna serve with our best selves.

Speaker 26:50 Right.

Jay Shetty 26:50 I always say this to people. It's like, people are always like, "Jay, should I go to this party? Should I go out to this event? Should I call up this person? Should I do this? Should I do that?" I'm just like, "Well, if you're gonna show up there with that energy-

Speaker 27:00 Don't go

Jay Shetty 27:00 ... where you're gonna have to convince yourself to go, then guess what? That person's gonna feel that."

Speaker 27:03 Right.

Jay Shetty 27:04 So if you're gonna show up, then you're gonna show up with your best. So I feel for me, it's not selfish if the intention is I want to give more and serve more.

Speaker 27:13 That's good.

Jay Shetty 27:13 It's, it's selfish when it's just like, "Oh, I'm just gonna take care of myself because that's all that matters."

Speaker 27:17 Right.

Jay Shetty 27:18 Whereas it's like, "No, I'm gonna take care of myself because I wanna give my best self to the people I love-

Speaker 27:22 Right

Jay Shetty 27:22 ... to the people of the world, to the people I care for. And so I'm gonna keep prioritizing myself." So I went down the wrong journey. When I first started wanting to serve, I used to just think, "Oh, yeah, I'm gonna stay up all night. Someone needs me to drive halfway across the country, I'll do that." And I would do things like that, and I started to realize I was just people-pleasing.

Speaker 27:38 Mm.

Jay Shetty 27:39 I wasn't serving. I was actually serving my own ego.

Speaker 27:42 Mm.

Jay Shetty 27:42 That was the most selfish thing.

Speaker 27:43 Interesting.

Jay Shetty 27:44 It was the most selfish thing because it was just people-pleasing. But then I realized actually me saying, "Look, you know what? I need to get a good night's sleep tonight, but I promise you first thing in the morning we're gonna talk about this and I'm gonna bring my best self to this conversation," people started to respect that and value that, and gave me that space. Are you tired of being single, but sick of the dating scene? Are you thinking about just giving up? If so, this video's for you. 50 million, that's the number of members online dating site OkCupid reported in 2020, according to data from SurveyMonkey Intelligence. And in any given minute, an average of 100,000 users are online on OkCupid alone. That's not counting Match.com, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, or any of the other dating sites and apps. 2020 estimates from CompareCamp state that in the US alone, 30 million people were using online dating sites. And get this, Tinder's total number of paid subscribers tops over 59 million. What? Online dating has real appeal, right? It's easy and convenient. You can browse pictures and profiles while you're eating breakfast or watching Netflix. Plus, instead of just friends of friends or people your mom wants to set you up with, the number of potential dating candidates you have access to expands exponentially when you sign up for online dating. So what's the catch? OkCupid asks users up to 5,000 different questions to help them find their ideal match. And guess what? All of this online chat with more people, plus the ability to pre-screen them, may actually be why you're still single. I knew it. So if you're frustrated that you haven't found the one and you're thinking about giving up on dating, keep watching because I have some insights and solutions that may help. I got some really powerful and profound insights into what's wrong with how we're dating from relationship experts and psychologists John and Julie Gottman, who are also husband and wife. I got to interview them for my podcast, and they told me something shocking, which is that when it comes to dating, we put too much emphasis on finding people like us. That doesn't mean we literally look for people exactly like us, but that we put too much emphasis on finding people with the same hobbies, the same interests, and ideals as we have. Agree to agree. Now, that flies in the face of a lot of what we think we know about dating, right? We think it's about finding people who share lots of things with us, and then we're more likely to be compatible with them. The Gottmans disagree, and that's one of the reasons online dating algorithms can fail us so often. I mean, they don't fail in that they don't work. They do a great job of matching people based on the criteria that we determine are important to us. But maybe we're focusing on the wrong criteria. The problem is that in reality, a lot of this criteria doesn't actually make for a great match for us, as so many of us have discovered when we've actually met some of those people [laughs] in person.

Jay Shetty 30:45 We can't even necessarily tell who we'll really be attracted to from their photos. You look like your profile pic, finally. One of the reasons for that, says the Gottmans, is our genes. And we know this thanks to a bunch of sweaty German T-shirts. What did you just say? One Swiss researcher and his team took a group of 44 men and gave them nice clean cotton T-shirts, and asked them to wear them for two nights in a row while they were sleeping. They also asked the men to avoid things that would alter their smell artificially, like smoking, eating heavily spiced foods, wearing scented deodorants, and well, sleeping with someone else. You stink. Here's where it gets really, really weird. I'm not even going to guess how the researchers came up with this idea. They put the worn T-shirts in identical boxes with a small hole in the boxes, then had 49 women come in and smell each of the boxes. You heard that right. The women came into a room and, through the holes, got a whiff of the T-shirts.

31:48 Sniff around.

31:49 Now, they didn't each smell all 44 shirts. Each woman was asked to smell six shirts and rate the shirts from one to 10 on intensity, pleasantness, and sexiness. Again, you heard that right. Sexiness from smelling a T-shirt.

Speaker 32:03 He smells good.

Jay Shetty 32:04 Now, the six shirts each woman got were specially selected to include three that were from men with a closer genetic match to them, and three from men who were less of a genetic match. Consistently, the women preferred the smells of the men who were less genetically matched. Remember, they had no information about the men. No photos, no personal details. Only the smell [laughs] of their T-shirts. Researchers theorized that these particular genes, which play a role in the development of our immune systems, help to keep us from being attracted to people who aren't genetically diverse enough from us, which could potentially negatively impact the health of our offspring. And the smell of a T-shirt and our genetic matchiness is the kind of information that even the highest tech online dating algorithm has not mastered if we don't give it the right information. Anyway, beyond our genes, I asked the Gottmans what we tend to get wrong when it comes to dating. They said that we often screen for things that

Jay Shetty 33:05 don't really matter. When you meet someone you're truly compatible with on a deeper level, lots of those things don't actually matter. When I asked the Gottmans what does matter, they gave me a list of eight things to look for, and here they are. Number one. Does the person listen to you? Do they show genuine interest in getting to know you? Do they ask you meaningful questions and really listen to the answer?

Speaker 33:29 I'm listening.

Jay Shetty 33:29 Number two, are they reliable and consistent, or do they play games like playing hard to get? That's a big red flag.

Speaker 33:36 That's a red flag.

Jay Shetty 33:37 Number three, are they honest and sincere?

Speaker 33:41 I would never lie to you.

Jay Shetty 33:42 Number four, are they attentive? Is it clear that they consider your needs, desires, and feelings? It's not all about you. Number five, are they kind, or instead, are they critical? Do they make biting, sarcastic remarks that just aren't funny? That's not funny. Number six, are they generous?

Speaker 34:00 Sharing is good.

Jay Shetty 34:01 Number seven, are they a person of substance and character, and are they respectful?

Speaker 34:06 I do not respect you.

Jay Shetty 34:07 And eight, finally, does it feel good to be with them?

Speaker 34:10 This feels so good.

Jay Shetty 34:13 So does that mean you should ditch the dating apps? I'm definitely not saying you should stop using apps. But instead, it may be helpful to shift what you're using them for. Helen Fisher is an anthropologist and the chief science officer for Match.com. She says we have the wrong idea about how Match and similar sites, in that they are not dating sites, they are introduction sites. Entrepreneur Christina Wallace agrees. In a hilarious TED Talk where she discussed some of the perils she faced doing online dating before she finally met the one, Christina says that it's not the apps that are broken, it's our expectations of them. After countless dating fails, Christina decided to start going about her app use more strategically, and set up a screening system for every message she received from a new potential match, where she would evaluate them for three criteria. Now remember, these were things that were important to Christina. Yours might be totally different. Number one, the message had to be written in complete sentences with good grammar [laughs] . Number two, it had to reference something specific about her so she knew they weren't just cutting and pasting their messages. Number three, the message could not contain anything sexual. Of 210 new messages Christina received, 14% met these criteria. For her next step, Christina decided she wanted to meet the guys quickly, because as she said, "The things I cared about, I couldn't see online." She was tired of going back and forth for days or weeks exchanging long messages or committing to full dates, only to find out they had no real chemistry, or the guy only wanted sex. So Christina created what she called a zero date, where the ground rules were that they would include just one drink over one hour, and in that time, only one question she needed to answer for herself was, would I like to have dinner with this person? Would I like to spend three hours with them? If the zero date went well, she'd see if they wanted to have a first date. Then just go from there. I absolutely love this approach, to not give an online dating app the full responsibility of matching you with the perfect person. But instead, for just presenting you with a lot more options to choose from. From there, you can do what Christina did and come up with a few, not 19 or 20, basic screening criteria to see if you're interested in meeting them in person. That way, you can immediately rule out people who don't meet your baseline, but you're less likely to disqualify a potential partner too soon over things that don't really matter. Are you looking for the one? Are you trying to find that big love of your lifetime and you feel like you've tried everything and looked everywhere? If so, this video's for you. The reality is there are so many ways we can end up finding our person. There isn't really a single solution for everyone. But I will tell you one big thing you need to stop doing if you want to find the one, and it's something most of us do. And I'll tell you two things to do instead. According to the US Census, one in four millennials speaks a language other than English at home. In California, it's one in two. Regardless of what language they use at home, there's one word that millennials worldwide are speaking less than ever, marriage. According to the census, about three out of every 10 American millennials have ever been married. According to data from the Pew Research Center, younger adults are getting married at the rates 11 to 20% lower than the baby boomers and the silent generation. Look all around and there's no shortage of opinions as to why. Some say millennials are too broke to get married.

Speaker 38:01 Too expensive.

Jay Shetty 38:03 Others say they're too busy building their careers or pursuing higher education.

38:07 I have more important things to do.

38:09 Then there's the idea that millennials just don't believe in marriage, that it's a broken system whose time has passed.

Speaker 38:16 I don't believe in that sort of thing personally.

Jay Shetty 38:18 Yet according to data from Avvo, an online legal marketplace, 82% of millennials surveyed disagreed with the statement that marriage was an outdated institution. And a study conducted by Acuvue brand contact lenses found that 52% of respondents strongly agreed that marriage is important to them. Others say it's long-term commitment that matters to them, whether or not it involves marriage. I know from all of the messages and questions I get from you, and from talking with my own single friends, that most of us do put a committed relationship as one of our top priorities. And the reason so many of us haven't found the one is, well, we don't really know. That's a question I get so often. "Jay, what am I doing wrong? What do I need to do to find the big love of my life?" And that's what we're talking about today. When it comes to dating and relationships, there's no shortage of advice, and a lot of it is conflicting. Should you be scientific and data-driven, or dreamy? Do you need to take an approach

Jay Shetty 39:18 that's organized or organic? The answer is both. I'll explain in a minute, but first, let's talk about the one thing that most of us get flat out wrong when it comes to finding the one. Here's what it is. We create an ideal picture of the perfect person. You're probably like, "Jay, what? Isn't that exactly what we're supposed to do? Otherwise, isn't it like trying to find a town you've never been to before without using a map?" Not so, says relationship expert Marla Madrone. Marla talks about that the biggest mistake we make in trying to find our ideal partner is that we look for our ideal partner. She explains that we create this detailed picture of who we want to be with. Then when we meet people, we fill in the gaps in what we know about them with our own projections, whether those are positive or negative. The problem, Marla says, is we're not really seeing and learning who the other person is. We're creating a perception of them based on a blend of our own prior experiences, along with our needs and expectations. And they're doing this with us too. Rarely do we actually see each other for who we are, so we reject or embrace each other based mostly on inaccurate perceptions. So we're either alone and we're not sure why, or we're in a couple's therapy trying to figure out who we are and re-engineer our relationships. I love this because it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes, which is from sociologist Charles Horton Cooley. The quote is, "I'm not what I think I am, and I'm not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am." As I write in my book, Think Like a Monk, our identities are wrapped up in what we think others think of us.

Speaker 40:53 So, what do you think?

Jay Shetty 40:56 A common problem in many of our relationships is that we're method acting. We're relating to one another from these false places or these roles, not purposefully, but because we don't really know ourselves. Marla says that the way we stop doing this is know yourself. She says that cultivating self-awareness is the most powerful thing we can do to strengthen all of our relationships. It helps us build healthy boundaries, nurture open and honest communication, end toxic relationships, and yes, find the one. I really understand the value of self-awareness. When I trained as a monk, it was like a three-year intensive on learning who you are. Self-awareness is so critical to everything we do, from creating fulfilling relationships and careers and families, to just being happy and experiencing joy, meaning, and purpose on our own. I first met my wife, Radhi, before I ever became a monk. She was great, but I just wasn't in that place and she wasn't in that place. And so while we enjoyed each other's company, there was no romantic connection. After I left the ashram and spent more time with Radhi, who'd become one of my sister's closest friends, I got to experience a different, broader version of her because my lens had changed. I was so much more self-aware, and I knew what was important to me, and also what wasn't important to me. And although I wasn't out on a flat-out search for the one at the time, I had that solid foundation in place, and so did she, so that we were both able to see and connect with each other as who we really are. And every day I can see how continuing to work on our own self-awareness strengthens our relationship with each other. Now, that doesn't mean things are always perfect and easy, but that's one of the beautiful things about loving relationships. Ideally, we're with someone who we can continue to grow with and who we still learn new things about all the time. Psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel says that novelty and newness is a key element to lifelong attraction. So when it comes to finding the one, how do we do it? Here are two steps. First, begin with you. Build that self-awareness. There are so many ways to do this, but here is a simple way to start. Figure out your love language. Some of you know Gary Chapman's five love languages.

Speaker 43:14 Remind me again what that is.

Jay Shetty 43:15 The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, giving gifts, physical touch, or quality time. Then, as much as possible, speak this love language to yourself. As I write in my book, so many of our problems occur when we expect another person to fulfill all of our needs and to be everything to us.

Speaker 43:35 It's all

Speaker 43:35 Me

Jay Shetty 43:36 As Marla says, we're actually capable of meeting far more of our own needs than we give ourselves credit for. And when we learn to deeply love and support ourselves, we have more fulfilling relationships because we can freely and gratefully receive what others are willing and able to provide. We can love them for who they really are, and we can be loved for who we really are. So start by identifying then speaking your own love language to yourself. Tell yourself you look great. Have you been working out? Or take a nice hot bath. Buy yourself a gift you'd love.

Speaker 44:08 I'm gonna buy a house

Jay Shetty 44:09 Or schedule some quality solitude time to be in relationship with yourself. Hey, it's fine to have a list of what's important to you and what you're looking for. And in fact, that is a good thing when it comes to deep core values or goals, such as whether you want kids, whether the other person treats you with respect and is genuinely interested in learning who you are, and whether you truly enjoy spending time with them. Remember those statistics I gave earlier about how millennials aren't getting married? Well, that's only part of the picture. As anthropologist Helen Fisher says, the majority of younger people today are practicing what she calls slow love. They're not just getting married, they're waiting to get married so they can be more sure of their choice. Today, Fisher says 86% of Americans will marry by age 49. And around the world, people are still far more likely than not to settle down with a long-term partner. And the good news is that those couples are more likely to stay together. So that's the second step, practice slow love. Really let yourself get to know people. We struggle with ambiguity. Is this person the one or are they not? And am I running out of time? Sometimes a match or no match is evident pretty quickly, but in most cases it takes time. But knowing yourself and then really getting to know the other person for who they truly are is the perfect one-two combo for finding real, lasting, long-term love. The first time I actually met Radhi

Jay Shetty 45:40 was before I became a monk, and I met her very briefly. I thought she was beautiful and, and, and attractive, but I didn't really think anything of it.

Speaker 45:53 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 45:53 Like, I just, I genuinely just was so focused on what I was doing at life at that time, and I was so spiritually inclined and spiritually focused that I, I literally didn't think anything of it.

Speaker 46:04 Yeah, and my mom introduced me to you.

Jay Shetty 46:07 Yes.

Speaker 46:07 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 46:07 So I should tell that story.

Speaker 46:09 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 46:09 So actually, I met Radhi's mom even before I met her.

Speaker 46:13 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 46:14 And so I was training to become a monk, and I met Radhi's mom, and I was asked to show her how to do a particular, uh, service at the temple. So I had to take her around, et cetera. Now, the incredible thing about this is that that is the only time-

Speaker 46:33 You ever-

Jay Shetty 46:33 ... while-

Speaker 46:34 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 46:34 ... I was there that I was ever asked to-

Speaker 46:37 Yeah

Jay Shetty 46:37 ... show another person how to do this service. So the one day that I had to show-

Speaker 46:42 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 46:42 ... someone how to do this particular service, this voluntary service at the temple-

Speaker 46:46 It was my mom

Jay Shetty 46:47 ... was the one day that her mom turned up. And at that time I didn't know she had a daughter, I didn't know anything about this lady. I was like, "Oh, she's around my mom's age."

Speaker 46:54 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 46:55 And, and she was, she was wonderful and, and we got along, but I was just showing her what to do, and then literally didn't speak to her.

Speaker 47:01 Nope. And then my mom wanted me to get more involved in, um, and I really wanted to get more involved in, um, like the spiritual side of my life. And so she met him and wanted me to, um, get introduced to the youth community there. And so she passed on my number to you, but you passed it on to your sister.

Jay Shetty 47:20 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 47:21 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 47:21 Yeah, so I passed it on to my sister. I was like, "No, I need to stay focused, do my thing." And my sister's very spiritually inclined too. Big shout out to Amy.

Speaker 47:28 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 47:29 And, and then, yeah, and then you guys got connected and you became friends.

Speaker 47:32 Yeah. And actually at that point my mom had said to me, "Oh, you know, I met this really nice, um, really nice guy at the temple." And she was like to me, "Oh, after I met him, I prayed and I was like, I hope my daughter meets somebody like this."

Jay Shetty 47:42 [laughs]

Speaker 47:42 "I know he's gonna be a monk, but I hope she meets someone that's like this, 'cause he seems really nice." Um, little did he know what was gonna happen. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 47:49 I know.

Speaker 47:50 And then, um, then what happened? He became a monk.

Jay Shetty 47:54 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 47:55 I heard you speak. Oh, I heard him speak all the time because he used to do, uh, lots of, um, youth programs or university talks. And so-

Jay Shetty 48:04 Sessions on philosophy, meditation

Speaker 48:06 ... yeah, philosophy, meditation. And I was just like, oh my gosh, he's such an incredible speaker. And the way that he, um, makes such incredible wisdom so relevant to us who were, like young teenagers or... Yeah, yeah, not young teenagers.

Jay Shetty 48:20 You weren't a teenager.

Speaker 48:20 I was a teenager. I was still a teenager.

Jay Shetty 48:21 No, you weren't.

Speaker 48:22 Wasn't I 18?

Jay Shetty 48:22 No, you weren't. [laughs]

Speaker 48:24 No, I... How old was I?

Jay Shetty 48:25 One thing you're gonna realize, Radhi-

Speaker 48:26 Yeah, I'm so bad at time

Jay Shetty 48:27 ... it's hard to remember.

Speaker 48:28 I'm so-

Jay Shetty 48:28 I'm the one who remembers all the dates.

Speaker 48:29 I'm like-

Jay Shetty 48:30 I'm the one who remembers everything

Speaker 48:31 ... yeah, I don't remember anything. I barely remember things that happened like two years ago. Um, so no, I wasn't a teenager. I was out of university, which feels like a long time ago. So I was in my 20s and, uh, yeah, I saw him speak and I just thought it was so incredible how he was able to articulate such, yeah, such deep wisdom in a way that was so relevant to people who were so young and, and probably wouldn't have been so interested in reading a book about it. Um, and so I was in awe of him, and he also looked really cool. He had like a bald head. He didn't look like the type of person who was gonna be speaking about these things. He had like tattoos and a bald head, but then he was in robes, and I was like, "This is really, really cool, but weird at the same time." [laughs]

Jay Shetty 49:11 [laughs] You're so strange.

Speaker 49:12 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 49:14 And, and then it was, then when I left being a monk, which is a whole story in itself, we can talk about that another day. When I, when I left being a monk, her and my sister were really, really close.

Speaker 49:24 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 49:25 And me and my sister are really, really close. I trust my sister. She's one of my best friends. And-

Speaker 49:30 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 49:30 ... I sat down with her one day and she said, "Well, you know what? Radhi likes someone." And, and I was just like, "Oh, who?" And I was thinking she was gonna say some other person's name.

Speaker 49:39 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 49:40 And she's like, "She really likes you." And I was like Oh, I, I really like her. Like, I'd love to get to know her better. And we'd, we'd interacted, we'd had-

Speaker 49:47 Yeah

Jay Shetty 49:47 ... we'd got to know each other a bit better because we'd organize charity events together-

Speaker 49:51 Yeah, yeah

Jay Shetty 49:51 ... et cetera. And so I'd seen her not in the role of being a girlfriend, obviously, or someone that I was dating. I'd seen her interact with other people-

Speaker 50:01 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 50:02 ... other, other humans, uh, inside a project management organization, organizing events. So I'd seen her personality and, like, observed how she behaved around certain people, how she had talked to people, how she interacted with people. And, and based on all those things, I, I thought she was a great person. So when my sister told me that, I was, I was secretly quite happy as well.

Speaker 50:23 And I always heard about him through his sister, and his sister would talk about him with so much love and affection, and he treats her like she's his baby. No matter how old she gets, she's literally like his baby. And I used to see, like, conversations between them. I used to be like, oh my gosh, he's so sweet. Like, he's so sweet, even though he's... Yeah, he's gone off being a monk, but he was still really, really caring and loving towards, towards his sister and his family. And then, yeah, I had told her that I liked him before, before, uh, he knew about it, or before you'd probably even thought about it.

Jay Shetty 50:52 Yeah.

Speaker 50:52 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 50:53 So, so then that was it, really. That's how we met. We almost met before I became a monk, barely-

Speaker 50:59 But we hadn't really had conversations

Jay Shetty 51:00 ... barely connected, et cetera. Yeah, never had conversations-

Speaker 51:01 Yeah, never had conversations

Jay Shetty 51:02 ... never spoke, but, but had just seen each other in our own elements.

Speaker 51:06 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 51:07 And then when I left, left being a monk, uh, you know, later that year, we, we started going out.

Speaker 51:14 We did.

Jay Shetty 51:14 And so that was around the, towards the end of 2013.

Speaker 51:18 And then it just went really fast.

Jay Shetty 51:19 Yeah.

Speaker 51:19 We both, we both kind of, as soon as we spoke about it, we both knew that we wanted to be with each other, and we were really certain about it. And it could have gone really wrong-

Jay Shetty 51:28 [laughs]

Speaker 51:28 ... but we were like [laughs] we could have both been really crazy. Um, but it ended up just working out. We both really had kind of understood each other just by observing one another, I guess. And, um, there were a few surprises, I'm sure. But, um, [laughs] we, yeah, we got along straight away, and we were both pretty much went from, "Yeah, I really like you," to, "Yeah, I love you," in, like, a day.

Jay Shetty 51:47 [laughs]

Speaker 51:47 And then it was like, "Yeah, we wanna get married," in, like, a week.

Jay Shetty 51:49 Yeah.

Speaker 51:49 Um, as in, we didn't get married in a week, but we wanted to, we said we wanted to get married eventually in a week after that. Um, and then we ended up spending a lot of time at each other's homes, right? Um, he was spending a lot of time at my house for ages. Um, I mean, that's pretty much where I took him to have all of our dates because [laughs] I loved being around my family, and I was like, best of both worlds. I can be around the person that I wanna spend the rest of my life with, and the people that I've spent most of my life with. Um, and so yeah, most of our dates would, would involve my parents-

Jay Shetty 52:19 [laughs]

Speaker 52:19 ... um, and my sister and my brother-in-law at the time. And so we got to know each other kind of in our own environments as well really fast, which I think helped us fast-forward a lot easier.

Jay Shetty 52:30 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 52:31 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 52:31 And, and I remember that my sister gave me, like, an action plan. She's like, "This is what you're gonna get along on."

Speaker 52:36 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 52:36 "This is what you're gonna struggle with-

Speaker 52:38 Oh, yeah

Jay Shetty 52:38 ... and this is gonna be your challenges." And, and I, and I definitely owe it to her to bring us together.

Speaker 52:42 Yeah, I, I completely agree.

Jay Shetty 52:43 Like, I think she was a huge part of-

Speaker 52:44 She was

Jay Shetty 52:45 ... us being together, my sister, definitely. And, and she was like, she, because she knows me so well, and I feel she got to know you well as well-

Speaker 52:50 Definitely

Jay Shetty 52:51 ... she was just like, "This is what you guys are gonna agree on. This is what you're not gonna agree on. This..." Yeah, and it was just, it was so nice to have that-

Speaker 52:58 Yeah

Jay Shetty 52:58 ... because you could go into a relationship having more understanding of the other person.

Speaker 53:03 Can I just say, one of the things she said that we wouldn't get along on is Bollywood, because I loved Bollywood songs and films at the time, but you like a good Bollywood song-

Jay Shetty 53:11 Questionable

Speaker 53:11 ... once in a while. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 53:12 Questionable. Yeah, questionable. But, no, I, I decided to get over that.

Speaker 53:15 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 53:16 Like, and, and you, you barely, yeah-

Speaker 53:17 Yeah, yeah

Jay Shetty 53:18 ... you, you could've gone over it.

Speaker 53:18 Still, still have a love for it. Still love it.

Jay Shetty 53:20 Yeah. But yeah, we spent a lot of it time in each other's parents' homes and with our families-

Speaker 53:25 We did, yeah

Jay Shetty 53:25 ... which was great because you got to be yourself. I used to love what your mom used to tell you [laughs] when she'd come over.

Speaker 53:28 My mom was so funny. So obviously, like, it was a person to her that was, you know, we were dating. And so usually you would put in a lot of effort in the way that you dress and, uh, doing your hair when the person you're dating comes over. But, um, yeah, I would literally be in the same clothes that I was wearing, like, the whole day, which was pretty much, like, pajama bottoms and, and a really scruffy top. And my mom would be like, "Do you not wanna maybe-"

Jay Shetty 53:53 [laughs]

Speaker 53:53 "... you know, put a different top on, or you don't wanna change your trousers?" I was like, "No, Mom, if he can't love me in what I'm wearing right now, which is what he's probably gonna see me in for the rest of his life, then it's just not meant to be, okay? We are [laughs] like, he has to love me for..." And she went, "Okay, but you could try, you know, a little bit." [laughs]

Jay Shetty 54:08 [laughs]

Speaker 54:09 I was like, "No." And it worked, so. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 54:11 Yeah. [laughs] And she's so beautiful and cute. Like, even when she's dressed all hobo chic, I'm just like, "I love it," you know?

Speaker 54:17 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 54:17 And, and it's quite nice, actually. Like, I've, I've, I genuinely believe this, like I've, I've rarely see her with makeup on. [laughs]

Speaker 54:23 Yes, true.

Jay Shetty 54:24 And so, like, it's, it's fun when you, when you fall in love with someone w- based on who they are and their personality and their energy and-

Speaker 54:30 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 54:30 ... all of that beauty shines through, so yeah. I love it. So that leads us nicely on to the next point-

Speaker 54:36 Right. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 54:36 ... that our friends wanted to discuss, which is what's the key to starting off a relationship well?

Speaker 54:42 What's the key to starting-

Jay Shetty 54:43 Like, what's the key to starting it off well? So one thing for me was, was this: that because we didn't see each other in dating environments-

Speaker 54:52 Yeah

Jay Shetty 54:52 ... a lot, I feel like dating environments put this pressure of being in an interview.

Speaker 54:57 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 54:57 So I compared dates to interviews. It's almost like you have to put your best foot forward. You wear your best clothes. You try and say all the best things. And even if it's not the best, actually, it's us trying to be right, and that's what we do in interviews. When you go on an interview for a job, it's like you wanna be the right fit.

Speaker 55:12 For that person.

Jay Shetty 55:13 Yeah.

Speaker 55:13 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 55:13 And that's what happens in a dating scenario. Like, you're sitting opposite a desk, just like you do in an interview.

Speaker 55:17 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 55:18 And then someone's asking you a question, and you're like, "Okay, well, what do I have to say to make them like me, or to say the right thing?" Whereas we didn't really get to do that.

Speaker 55:25 No. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 55:25 And I'm not saying that that was a conscious choice. But now when I look back at it, and I reflect on it and introspect on it, I'm like, we didn't really get an opportunity-

Speaker 55:34 No

Jay Shetty 55:34 ... to date in that sense. And that means that I got exposed to the real her either by seeing her in a charity organization, seeing her in a real-life scenario, how does she treat normal people, and then how she is with her family. And I'm like, that's the best view you can get of someone- And so when I look at that in terms of giving advice or tips or whatever, my recommendation is be around people that you're thinking about being with in an environment where they're just being themselves.

Speaker 56:02 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 56:03 Because chances are, if you like them the way they are when they are with other people, then you're likely to love them when they're with you too. And so often we only see people that we are considering being romantic with or dating, et cetera, we only see them in dates and dinners and movie nights and whatever it is, right?

Speaker 56:19 Mm-hmm. Yeah, I agree. I feel like you see... And also seeing people with the people that they're closest to, because you can't really fake it with the people that you're closest to.

Jay Shetty 56:28 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 56:28 I mean, and if you can, you can do it for a really short period of time, and you also end up seeing them being probably at their worst and at their best.

Jay Shetty 56:35 Yeah.

Speaker 56:35 Because you can be the most loving to your family, but you can also be the worst person towards your family, because they're the ones that accept it. And so, yeah, I feel like you get a good image of who the person is through, through interacting with them that way.

Jay Shetty 56:46 Absolutely, yeah.

Speaker 56:47 Yeah. Good point.

Jay Shetty 56:48 Thanks.

Speaker 56:48 Nicely said. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 56:50 [laughs] It's true, yeah. And, and, and the other thing is I... So when we first got together, I'd left being a monk probably, like, seven months before, so it'd been, like, a seven-month gap, and I didn't have a job.

Speaker 57:02 Mm-mm.

Jay Shetty 57:02 I had-

Speaker 57:03 Oh, yeah

Jay Shetty 57:03 ... I had no job, I had no money.

Speaker 57:05 Nope. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 57:06 I was getting rejected left, right, and center from every single place that I was applying to, because I'd been a monk for three years, and no one wanted to hire someone who had monk written on their resume.

Speaker 57:17 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 57:17 Like, no one's like, "Oh, yeah, we love your transferrable skills."

Speaker 57:20 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 57:20 Like, you know, like, what do you know? And so, "Oh, you can meditate for four hours. Great. We need that in our organization."

Speaker 57:25 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 57:26 So it was just, there was no... I had nothing really.

Speaker 57:29 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 57:30 And that's a great way to start [laughs] dating someone, because there's very... I remember I used to save up, so I used to, like, try and work part-time.

Speaker 57:38 Oh, yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 57:38 And I was doing everything I could-

Speaker 57:40 You were tutoring

Jay Shetty 57:40 ... I was tutoring.

Speaker 57:41 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 57:41 So I would, like, I would be tutoring young people for their exams or university exams, et cetera, and I'd, I'd be making, like, you know, 15 pounds an hour or whatever it was. And I remember I'd save up so I could take her out on a date at the end of the month.

Speaker 57:54 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 57:54 And so that we could do something fun. And, and I loved the fact... I loved that, because I met her at a time when, when I had nothing, and she accepted me for it.

Speaker 58:04 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 58:05 And I love her for that. And also, her, her parents were always really cool about it. So sometimes that can be a big pressure from parents and expectations, but her parents were really cool about it. They never made me feel uncomfortable about it or anything. And my parents obviously were very comfortable with me. They were just like, "Follow your heart. Do what's right for you." Very, very encouraging. And I'm, I'm not, I don't come from a well-off background at all or anything, so it's not that I had a backup plan, but my parents were still very, very encouraging and supportive.

Speaker 58:32 Mm. Yeah, I, I, I... That was never, uh, in my mind, to be honest. I was, I knew I wanted to be with you, and so I was like to my mom, "Even if we end up living in a really tiny house just by, like, near the temple that I used to go to, and just, I know that I wanna spend my life with him, so whatever it ends up being." And you were really, really, um, enthusiastic, and you had so much purpose. And even from the beginning, like, you were so driven to do whatever you wanted to do. I didn't know what that was at the time. Um, but I, you were so driven that I just knew whatever it was, whatever we were meant to be was what was gonna happen. And so, and I knew you would never, you were always, like, gonna be there to take care of me, and I felt that from the beginning. Like, I always felt supported. You wanna hold hands? Yeah.

Jay Shetty 59:13 [laughs]

Speaker 59:13 I'm not good at PDA.

Jay Shetty 59:14 [laughs]

Speaker 59:14 So I'm gonna not do that.

Jay Shetty 59:16 Oh my God. Just been rejected on camera.

Speaker 59:18 Um, there you go.

Jay Shetty 59:18 [laughs]

Speaker 59:19 Um, yeah, so that was [laughs] it was, it was really nice, and I feel like he had a lot of the qualities that I always felt... I would always grow up saying, "Oh, I really want a husband that was like my dad." Like, I love my dad, and he was always someone that I felt very protected and supported by. And so I j- definitely, now looking back at it, I felt those qualities in him as I got to know him, and so I thought, yeah, that was, that was nice. And my parents, yeah, my parents, my parents didn't care either. I always thought it would be... You know, you always think in Indian families that's gonna be an issue, but they loved him from the start. He's got really good... I don't know whether you guys have noticed, but he's got a really good way of saying things and, and winning people over by his words. So, um-

Jay Shetty 59:56 It's real though

Speaker 59:56 ... I know, that's why it's genuine and it's sweet.

Jay Shetty 59:58 [laughs]

Speaker 59:58 So from those interactions, I think my parents trusted him very easily as well. Um-

Jay Shetty 1:00:02 Yeah. I really get along with your parents.

Speaker 1:00:04 I know. Yeah, and it was so great for me, because Amy was already like my sister, and me and your mom got along straight away 'cause we bonded over food. And so, yeah, it was really easy for us both to, to join into each family.

Jay Shetty 1:00:16 But yeah, another thing I think that's really important at the start of a relationship is self-awareness and setting expectations. So I feel that having done the work as a monk and having been through that experience myself, I'd gained so much self-awareness, so I was really aware of what type of partner I needed in my life. I was really aware of what I needed in my life to flourish, to thrive. And so when I met someone, it was very easy for me, it was very easy and simple for me to communicate my expectations to her and be like- I, I remember one of the things I said-

Speaker 1:00:52 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:00:52 ... and this is not offensive at all, it's, it's genuinely how I felt at the time, and I said that, "If you want a husband who goes to IKEA on the weekends and, and to the cinema, like, I'm not that guy." And I didn't mean that as a bad thing, if anyone... Is that what I meant that as is I wanna be someone who lives their life with purpose, and I want my life to be about service, and I want my life to have an impact on people's lives, and I need a partner that's gonna understand that, embrace that, and roll with that as well, and wants to live not a normal life. Because that wasn't gonna work for me if I really wanted to have an impact, if I really wanted to make a difference, if I really wanted to serve. And so that wasn't an ego thing. It wasn't me thinking I'm, I'm better, or above, or special. It was me saying, "This is a priority for me."

Speaker 1:01:35 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:01:36 "And I don't need it to be your priority, but I need you to understand it to be mine." And I think this is really important that we should feel that if we're genuinely committed to something, when you make someone aware, and same back from her side, too, like, when she, and she'll share hers, but when she's made me aware of what her priorities are and what's important to her-

Speaker 1:01:56 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:01:56 ... you start respecting what's important to the other person, rather than expecting them to trade theirs, right? And that's usually what happens in relationships in the beginning is, instead of showing respect for the other people's passion, you expect them to change their passion for yours-

Speaker 1:02:11 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:02:11 ... or compromise and be excited about your stuff. And, and I don't think that that's the right way. I think it's us being clear about ourselves, communicating that, and then respecting what the other person communicates. That is-

Speaker 1:02:22 And I think we discussed that really early on, actually.

Jay Shetty 1:02:24 Yeah, for sure.

Speaker 1:02:25 And just to be clear, he has come to IKEA with me on the weekends. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:02:27 [laughs] And movies, too.

Speaker 1:02:29 Yeah, and movies, too. Um, but yeah, no, I, I understood the, the point of it. And I remember at that time when he was really pushing for what he wanted to do, um, he was very, very busy. And so there were certain things, I mean, he spent a lot of time with me and my family, but we had just agreed that, look, if there was extended things that I had to go to, because with families, there's always other things that you have to go to, like family, friends, or relatives' houses for every event possible, and if that happened, then I knew that I was okay with him not coming to them. And I said that to him from the beginning, that-

Jay Shetty 1:02:59 You're amazing as well for that

Speaker 1:03:00 ... if you need to go and do something which is, I know, for you more important, not because, for, for the purpose that you want to live, then I totally understand that comes above you just coming to another party, which people are not probably gonna remember. Like, it's, it's okay. Um, and I think that was really, actually really important for us, because you can always hear what other people say, like family members or friends or whatever will always have a different opinion. And so as long as you feel like you have, um, discussed it and you really understand that person's point of view, then you don't feel kind of, it doesn't rub off on you when people say things, because you understand it deeply. Whereas if you don't, then I think it's really easy to get swayed by other people's view of life or other people's way of relationships or whatever it is. Like, you can get, that can rub off on you very easily. But if you really understand that person and why they're doing it, I think that can make a big difference to you supporting them in why they're n- why they're doing it.

Jay Shetty 1:03:57 Thank you.

Speaker 1:03:57 No.

Jay Shetty 1:03:57 The first question that I have from our team-

Speaker 1:04:01 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:04:01 ... is, what do you find hardest about love?

Speaker 1:04:06 I was actually thinking about this this morning when I was thinking about coming and speaking here. Speaking here? Coming and speaking to you. Um, and I re- was thinking about how, you know, a lot of the time when you end up feeling, um, annoyed at your partner, or irritated in some way, or [laughs] when they really annoy you. No, I'm joking. [laughs] Um, I actually, it actually made me realize that a lot of the time, you know, they say it ends up being a reflection of you, and I think a lot of, when I think about what ends up, like, when we have our, like, petty arguments or whatever it is, I feel like it's actually because it hits at a sore point of me realizing that it's, it's my, whatever we're arguing about, how I'm reacting, it's my weakness. And a lot of the time, that's stubbornness. And so I feel like whenever we, I think that's quite, that's quite a difficult thing when it comes to relationships or love, is that the other person, because you spend so much time with them and because, um, you know, they, they know you better than anybody else, that they end up being a reflection of actually you. So every time you end up having interactions with them that aren't that great, actually a lot of the time you can sit there and be like, "Mm, maybe that had a lot more to do with me, how I reacted, rather than the other person." But sometimes it's them, too.

Jay Shetty 1:05:17 [laughs] That's a really good answer.

Speaker 1:05:19 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:05:20 That's a really good answer. I, I think that's such a good point. I was, I think what I'm saying is I would second that. And to give another answer, to give a different answer, I also feel the hardest thing in a relationship is you're always projecting your strengths-

Speaker 1:05:36 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:05:36 ... onto the other person's weaknesses.

Speaker 1:05:38 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:05:38 So you want the other person to be more like you.

Speaker 1:05:42 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:05:43 But when you really think about it, you don't.

Speaker 1:05:45 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:05:46 Like, you love, you love the other person for not being like you. But when you say things, like, I'll give an example that I'm super organized, disciplined, live by the schedule, on time. And-

Speaker 1:05:59 So am I

Jay Shetty 1:06:00 ... and, and, and at times in our relationship, I've wanted you to become like that-

Speaker 1:06:04 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:06:04 ... and do things like me.

Speaker 1:06:06 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:06:07 And when I've really sat with that and really thought with that, I realized, actually, I don't want you to be like me-

Speaker 1:06:11 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:06:11 ... because I love you for not being me.

Speaker 1:06:14 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:06:14 And the things that you bring to this relationship, whether it's spontaneity, whether it's being fresh, whether it's being always alive, like, that's the strength.

Speaker 1:06:25 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:06:25 And I think what we do in relationships is we dampen our partner's strengths instead of amplifying them.

Speaker 1:06:32 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:06:33 And what that does is it makes your partner feel like they have to do something different or be something different.

Speaker 1:06:38 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:06:38 But actually, if you amplified their strengths, which is the part you love anyway-

Speaker 1:06:41 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:06:41 ... you're going to have a much more fulfilling and exciting relationship. So I think that I find that hard, because I think we all live in our heads.

Speaker 1:06:49 Yeah, it's so true.

Jay Shetty 1:06:50 And we think the way we think is the right way.

Speaker 1:06:52 I'm like, "Hey, what do you wanna do tomorrow?" And you're like, "Well, I kind of have a 9:00 to 5:00, like, six schedule ready to go for the next, like, six months." And I'm like, "Oh." So you don't wanna go shopping with me, or you don't wanna go to, like, get some plants? And yeah, no, I, I agree. And, and I feel like it's ... But I also think from, from that, that, you know, it also helps, even if you're not doing, even if you feel like it's a negative thing, to, um, to n- notice that and to, um, to try and correct it. In the same way, I think it can also help the other person tighten up on that area of their life, too. Like, okay, cool, you may be super organized, and I may be m- not very organized at all, but at the same time, we can find, like, a good middle ground when we're together, where it's like, okay, you know that I like being spontaneous. So maybe randomly you'll be like, "Okay, cool," like what you do, you're like, "Oh, you know, I won't, I'll just cancel my meeting," or I'll s- I'll, I'll, I won't do this, and let's just go do this. And for me, I'm like, oh, okay, and I, I know that I try to be a little bit more organized, where I'm like, oh, okay, I need to make sure I do this today. I need to make sure I give you this today. Like, whatever it is, like, trying to, trying to make that better as well, 'cause even though it's a strength in some ways, every strength ends up being a weakness in some way, too. So I think it helps, you know, kind of balance it out as well, and, and help the other person notice when they need to probably change a little bit. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:08:08 Absolutely. Okay, second question is, how did your relationship change in 2020?

Speaker 1:08:14 How did it change? I kind of feel like this felt like our, like, first year of marriage. Because we, um, probab- well, no, not probably. We have not spent this much time together in our whole entire relationship, and so I kind of feel like, for me, it felt like we were on our honeymoon-type feel, where we just got married, and we were learning so much more about each other. But, but then we ended up, um, yeah, just, just really understanding one another and settling into each other a lot better than we probably even have for the past, how many years have we been married? Like, three years? Four years?

Jay Shetty 1:08:46 We've nearly been married five years. [laughs]

Speaker 1:08:47 Nearly five years, but it feels like one year. Um, but yeah, no, I, I think it really made us, um, it really helped us understand each other better. It helped us get into a rhythm together, which I don't feel like we ever really had a rhythm together. Um, and so I think it's actually changed, um, in most, like, in, uh, I can't think of any ways that it's changed in a negative way. I really think that it's improved our relationship through figuring a lot of stuff out, but it's definitely got to a point now where I'm like, oh, wow, this, that whole year was definitely a good jump or a good step up for us.

Jay Shetty 1:09:20 Yeah. I'd have to say one of my favorite things was it was the first year where we started doing a lot of physical activity together.

Speaker 1:09:28 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:09:29 Because we always go and, like, travel together or something like that, but it was the first year we started actually working out and exercising together.

Speaker 1:09:36 We did, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:09:36 So we used to go on hikes up Griffiths Park-

Speaker 1:09:40 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:09:40 ... and then Runyon.

Speaker 1:09:41 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:09:42 And then we'd go on walks.

Speaker 1:09:43 We did.

Jay Shetty 1:09:44 And just so many opportunities to be in nature together, because we weren't going to the gym, and then we were doing in-home workouts together with a virtual workout.

Speaker 1:09:53 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:09:53 And we'd put our playlist on with that song that you were talking about the other day.

Speaker 1:09:57 Oh, yeah. Don't Rush. That's the song of 2020 for me.

Jay Shetty 1:10:00 And I just think that we were forced to just spend so much time together.

Speaker 1:10:04 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:10:04 But we actually found ways to do things we enjoyed together.

Speaker 1:10:07 I think we actually realized that, um, we were spending time together in the wrong ways before. Like, I feel like that's what it made us realize, that we thought going shopping together or going to watch a movie together was like, and sitting and watching a movie together, were the ways that we would be spending time together. And then we realized that actually we just really enjoy doing, whether it's, like, normal things like working out, but it feels so much more fun for us than sitting there and doing something that feel, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it, but yeah, like something that, where we're not talking or we're not interacting, um, and the focus is somewhere else, whereas this, it's like you're completely focused on the activity, completely focused on the other person. And, um, it was just so much more fun-

Jay Shetty 1:10:49 Yeah

Speaker 1:10:49 ... to do that stuff together, even if it is just, like, working out and, uh, or going for a walk or whatever it is, but it felt so much more interactive and, uh, like, yeah, so much more fun.

Jay Shetty 1:11:00 Yeah. And for everyone who's listening and watching, this was the year that Radhi and I have spent the most actual time together since we've been married-

Speaker 1:11:08 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:11:08 ... and since we were dating. Because I'm always traveling. She's back at home in London. Sometimes she's traveling. And for us to be in this space together, we, we had to focus on learning about each other even more, so it, it was a big change for us.

Speaker 1:11:23 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:11:24 And like Radhi said, I, I think the same. I think it just brought about positives for us, thankfully.

Speaker 1:11:29 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:11:30 And, you know, we, we grew a lot closer this year, I think.

Speaker 1:11:33 Yeah, and I do think it's also because we, it, I don't feel like it w- it felt natural, but at the same time, it was natural because we were both very aware and intentional of how we were interacting with the other person. Because of how bad it's gone in the past, I feel like we have been able to use all of those mistakes that we made, where we were really trying to figure out a way for it to be better. Like, we both had the intention of making it better, whether it was, like, quarantine, whether it was COVID, whatever it was, that, like, I feel like we'd gone through so many times where we tried, and it may be, like, we still weren't understanding each other. We were like, no, this time we both actually really wanna intentionally make an effort to have conversations that we maybe don't have, to, um, resolve things in a way that we don't normally resolve things. And so, yeah, I think, I think that that's also important, 'cause it wasn't just like, oh, this was nice. Like, it just happened this way. I feel like it was definitely something we thought about and, and tried as well. I'll do a question for you.

Jay Shetty 1:12:32 Go on.

Speaker 1:12:33 Um, I was thinking about this earlier, too, like, and I was gonna ask you separately, but I thought why not ask you on here, put you on the spot? Um, what is, like, okay, for example, you know in a relationship when one person asks the other person to do something? Like, I always think about this with you, because you always, regardless of when I ask you to do something, no matter if you're like, s- let's say something simple, like we're both sitting watching something, and I'm literally like, "So you, oh, I really want this." And, like, I haven't even asked you to do it, but you'll literally get up, and you'll go and do it for me. Or like, I'll ask you to go get something, and you'll m- like, you won't even flinch. Like, you'll go out of your way to do it. And actually, I was thinking about it, and, like, that seems like such a small thing But I actually feel like it's not, because a lot of the time where even if it's with your mom, your dad, whatever, it's a, "Ugh, do I really have to go and get it? Like, can't you just go do it yourself?" But you, I feel, have gen- generally always been like that. And so I was just gonna ask you, 'cause I think it'll be helpful for other people, too, and helpful for me, like what goes through your mind when even if I'm being really irritating or being a brat, like what makes you just continually do that without, yeah, without like moaning? [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:13:41 The first thing that goes through my mind is, "You are such a brat."

Speaker 1:13:43 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:13:44 You, you are closer to that light switch right now.

Speaker 1:13:47 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:13:47 You are closer-

Speaker 1:13:48 Yeah, exactly

Jay Shetty 1:13:48 ... to the water container right now.

Speaker 1:13:51 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:13:51 Why are you asking me to do this? [laughs]

Speaker 1:13:53 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:13:53 That, that's the first thing that goes through my mind.

Speaker 1:13:55 Yes. Fair.

Jay Shetty 1:13:56 And then, and then my monk mind comes in, and-

Speaker 1:14:00 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:14:00 ... there- there's two sides to it. First of all, I know you're not asking me because you're trying to make my life difficult. You're doing it because you want to be loved that way.

Speaker 1:14:10 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:14:11 And, and-

Speaker 1:14:12 Maybe, yeah

Jay Shetty 1:14:12 ... and, and I think that when you realize, if you're in a loving, trusting relationship, you start realizing that your partner's requests, even if they seem unreasonable and irrational, a lot of the time that's just how you wanna be loved in that moment. And when you see it in that way-

Speaker 1:14:28 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:14:28 ... you go, "Yeah, of course I wanna love you in that way."

Speaker 1:14:31 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:14:31 Because you're not doing it to hurt me, because I know you love me. You're not doing it to upset me. You're obviously not doing it to irritate me.

Speaker 1:14:38 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:14:39 So then the only reason you could be doing that is because you need some love right now.

Speaker 1:14:43 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:14:43 And you need love in that way, or you need connection in that way, or you need intimacy in that way, and so you're asking for it because it's a request for love.

Speaker 1:14:53 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:14:54 And I think we think of requests for love as like, "Oh, give me a hug," or, "I need to talk to you." We think of those things, but actually it's the day-to-day moments-

Speaker 1:15:04 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:15:04 ... in the small things where someone's saying, "Please love me. Please see me. Please show up for me."

Speaker 1:15:09 Please bring me a snack.

Jay Shetty 1:15:11 Please bring me a snack, or what-

Speaker 1:15:12 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:15:12 And, and, and I think we mistake that language because we think, "Oh, that person's being so irrita-"

Speaker 1:15:18 So demanding

Jay Shetty 1:15:19 ... so demanding. And, and maybe they are, and, and that's something that you have to check for yourself.

Speaker 1:15:23 True.

Jay Shetty 1:15:23 So if you are that person, Radhi, then, then you have to check for yourself whether it is demanding and stubborn, or whether it is a request for love-

Speaker 1:15:34 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:15:34 ... for yourself. But I've made it in my mind that I believe you love me.

Speaker 1:15:38 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:15:39 And so if I believe you love me, then I should believe that this is you asking for love.

Speaker 1:15:43 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:15:44 And so, but if I didn't believe you love me, and I was insecure about that-

Speaker 1:15:47 Then it would be so annoying [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:15:48 ... then it would be really annoying, yeah.

Speaker 1:15:49 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:15:49 And so it doesn't mean that I don't have that thought. It doesn't mean that I don't get internally frustrated with you for a second. [laughs] And then straight after that, this kicks in and that walks me through it. And I think when, when people sometimes say to me, like, "Oh, well, haven't you got it all figured out?" I'm like, no, the first thought is never the thought that has it all figured out.

Speaker 1:16:10 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:16:10 The first thought is always, "Oh, gosh, whatever, whatever, whatever."

Speaker 1:16:15 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:16:15 It's the second thought.

Speaker 1:16:17 It's allow ... It's, it's taking that time to have that second thought, rather than reacting to the first.

Jay Shetty 1:16:21 Yeah.

Speaker 1:16:22 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:16:22 Yeah. So that's the answer to that question.

Speaker 1:16:24 Deep.

Jay Shetty 1:16:24 [laughs]

Speaker 1:16:25 That's great. Thank you. I've always wondered that.

Jay Shetty 1:16:27 [laughs]

Speaker 1:16:28 [laughs] I have, actually.

Jay Shetty 1:16:31 So this question came in from our team. It says, "Tell me about a time where you think we've made a compromise, and how did it work out?" I'm gonna go first.

Speaker 1:16:40 I know the first thing you're gonna say is-

Jay Shetty 1:16:42 [laughs]

Speaker 1:16:42 ... "I don't believe in compromises in relationships."

Jay Shetty 1:16:45 You know me so well.

Speaker 1:16:46 [laughs] Tease my teaching.

Jay Shetty 1:16:46 So that, that's exactly what I was gonna say. I was like, as soon as I hear the word compromise, I have a, I have a very interesting relationship with the word compromise.

Speaker 1:16:55 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:16:56 Because I believe that compromise makes you feel that both of you are giving up something you want for something you both don't want.

Speaker 1:17:04 Don't want. Oh, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:17:05 Which doesn't make any sense to me.

Speaker 1:17:06 Repeat that. Repeat that. Rewind. That's a good point. Go on. Have a, have a Jay Shetty moment.

Jay Shetty 1:17:13 [laughs] So-

Speaker 1:17:14 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:17:15 So I have a really interesting relationship with the word compromise, because I don't understand, what compromise means is that you're both giving up something you both want for something both of you don't want. That's what a compromise is. So it feels like one person is getting what they want, and the other person is not getting what they want. That's what a compromise is.

Speaker 1:17:40 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:17:40 Whereas what I have tried to live by in our relationship is I want you to get what you want, and I want to get what I want.

Speaker 1:17:49 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:17:49 Now, if that doesn't mesh all the time, or if that doesn't connect all the time, then the only thing that's being compromised is this false view that we should always feel the same way about everything.

Speaker 1:18:03 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:18:03 And I think that just makes, that actually makes space for resentment. It makes space for bitterness. It's almost like, think about this, everyone who's listening and watching, think about this for a moment. Imagine I gave up what I wanted to do all the time to be where Radhi wanted me to be.

Speaker 1:18:20 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:18:20 I'm going to be feeling upset. I'm going to be thinking, "I should be doing this," or, "I could be doing this."

Speaker 1:18:25 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:18:26 And then you develop bitterness towards the other person-

Speaker 1:18:28 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:18:28 ... when you can't even respect and appreciate them. And if you were always dragged to what I'm doing, you may be thinking, "Well, I could be doing this," or, "I could be doing that."

Speaker 1:18:35 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:18:36 And what ends up happening is I feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together.

Speaker 1:18:42 Wait, say that again. You feel like you-

Jay Shetty 1:18:44 You actually end up, you actually end up moving further away-

Speaker 1:18:46 Further away. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:18:47 You actually end up moving further away by forcing yourself to be together-

Speaker 1:18:52 Yes, yes

Jay Shetty 1:18:52 ... when actually you could move closer together by allowing yourselves to have that space.

Speaker 1:18:57 I agree.

Jay Shetty 1:18:57 So that's my relationship with the word compromise.

Speaker 1:18:59 We've both been very happy for the other person to live freely, to do what they want to do, and without pressure of being like, "Okay, cool, it's my friend's birthday," for example- And if you're not that interested in coming or I'm not that interested in coming with you, it's not like, "Oh my gosh, but you have to come," like, we're a couple, we can't go places without one another. Like, we just say, "Okay, cool," like, you don't need to go. And we understand that too. It's like, yeah, it's gonna be boring for you, like, you don't need to come with me. And we're very good at making it quite clear if something is important to us, whether it's family stuff, whether it's whatever. Say, "Okay, cool, you don't need to come to this family thing, but I would really appreciate it if you could make some time and, and come here." And so I think it's also that where it doesn't feel like a compromise if one, the, you know, that it's, that, it's the same thing as what you were saying about the bringing me water or snacks. It's like you know that the person loves you, and so if they, if you make explicitly clear what's valuable to you, and they still don't feel, and you still don't feel heard by them, then that's one thing. But, like, if I know that you love me, and you know what's important to me, I feel like you always know when you need to show up. And if, for example, you haven't, and I may not have communicated it to you, if I tell you afterwards, it's always like, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I had no idea that's how you felt." Um, and so, yeah, I think it's important, one, like letting the other person know what is of value to you and whether it's actually that important. Not being like, "Oh, come with me," and the person says no, and then you're like, "Oh, okay, fine." Like, it's, it doesn't have to be like that. It can be a, "Oh, but please, I really, I, like, this is really important to me." So it's being com- it's communicating and letting you know about that. And also, yeah, understanding that the other person loves you, and that if they are saying no, it's not because they're trying to hurt you, it's because they maybe genuinely have something that's more important to go to or to do.

Jay Shetty 1:20:44 Yeah. And I, and I think you're right that you, that's a really good point, because you expect the other person to read your mind and to know why it should be important to you, and-

Speaker 1:20:53 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Jay Shetty 1:20:53 ... we often have that thought, like, you should know this is important to me.

Speaker 1:20:56 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:20:57 But, but the truth is that in every relationship, like, no one knows until you explain to them, and I think in our love relationships, in our romantic, even in our friendships-

Speaker 1:21:07 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:21:07 ... we just expect everyone to fully know what we value.

Speaker 1:21:11 Yeah. It's like with, even with family, for example, just, uh, if, if someone is really close to their family, you expect in your mind that they realize that that's an important thing. But if, for example, anoth- that person is not that close to their family, in their mind it's like, "Oh, it's my uncle's birthday. Come to my uncle's birthday." And you're like, "I won't even go to my own u- ..." Not you, but generally someone else might be like, "Oh, I won't even go to my own uncle's birthday 'cause I'm not that close to them." So I think it's like you are expecting the other person to live how you live and how you have your relationships or how you value things, and it's, it's an unfair expectation because people have been through so many different things in life.

Jay Shetty 1:21:48 Awesome. All right. Next question on the list-

Speaker 1:21:50 Next up

Jay Shetty 1:21:51 ... is we both have such hectic schedules-

Speaker 1:21:54 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:21:54 ... in life, and lots of work going on, and all our commitments. How do we find time to spend time alone and time with each other?

Speaker 1:22:02 I get asked that a lot, actually. I have so many-

Jay Shetty 1:22:04 Really?

Speaker 1:22:04 ... some, some of my family members are always like, "But does he have time to spend with you? Like, do you guys have time alone?" I was speaking to one of my, um, family friends the other day, and she was just like, "Are you sure you guys spend time with each other?" And I was like, "Yeah, we actually spend a lot of time together." But, but I can understand why people may think that. But yeah, you know what? I don't feel like we've ever really felt ... I f- I feel like even if we've had the moments where we've had, like, months apart, we do make an effort that when we are together, especially recently within the past year, or two years, would you say? Would you say two years? We've started doing-

Jay Shetty 1:22:35 Two years

Speaker 1:22:36 ... Yeah, we've started doing a thing where we make sure that we have at least a weekend that we spend solid together. And sometimes that's more time that you'd spend together even if you were seeing someone every single day for, like, a month, because it's condensed time. It's, it's intentional, and it's, um, with a p- the sole purpose to spend time together and communicate, um, and be together in a meaningful way. So yeah, we definitely, um, make that time. But it's also because we choose to do that.

Jay Shetty 1:23:03 Yeah. I think we both thankfully gravitate towards quality time versus quantity of time.

Speaker 1:23:09 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:23:09 And so we'll both be like, "Well, if we're both tired today, we'd rather not force ourselves to try-

Speaker 1:23:17 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:23:17 ... and spend time together, and give each other space-

Speaker 1:23:19 Exactly

Jay Shetty 1:23:20 ... or give each other time to decompress. And this weekend we'll make sure we spend time together-

Speaker 1:23:24 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:23:24 ... rather than the artificial force of, like, today we had to spend time together because we promised or we said we would.

Speaker 1:23:32 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:23:32 And it's like, but maybe we're both not got the right energy right now-

Speaker 1:23:35 And exactly

Jay Shetty 1:23:35 ... and we haven't got that, we haven't got that presence right now. And so I think it's a mutual understanding. At, at the same time I feel like, you know, there've been different parts in our relationship. Like, I remember when we lived in New York, we probably didn't spend a lot of quality time together, because-

Speaker 1:23:52 No

Jay Shetty 1:23:52 ... the only time I had off was the weekends, and I was busy working sometimes too, and you were doing all your-

Speaker 1:23:58 I had my course

Jay Shetty 1:23:58 ... courses and your work-

Speaker 1:23:59 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:23:59 ... on the weekends. And so I spent a ton of my weekends alone, and you spent a ton of your week-

Speaker 1:24:05 Weekends alone

Jay Shetty 1:24:06 ... weekdays alone.

Speaker 1:24:07 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:24:08 And if you think back, that's, that's literally-

Speaker 1:24:10 Yeah, yeah, totally

Jay Shetty 1:24:11 ... was the pattern of our life for two years. And then there was travel to London and, and everywhere else I was going.

Speaker 1:24:16 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:24:16 And I think through all of that, it was always just about savoring those moments.

Speaker 1:24:22 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:24:22 It was about really cherishing and realizing that we were in a building phase. And so I want to address something here actually that I think will be really interesting for people, is I talk a lot about, like, the five cycles of life that we all go through. So we have learn, experiment-

Speaker 1:24:39 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:24:39 ... perform, struggle, thrive.

Speaker 1:24:41 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:24:42 And so these are like different stages you go through every year. And when we were in New York, we were in a build phase-

Speaker 1:24:49 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:24:49 ... of our life. Like, we were both building. We just got married.

Speaker 1:24:52 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:24:53 I'd literally just started my career. You were discovering your career. We were in a build phase.

Speaker 1:24:57 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:24:58 And I think when you expect a lot from your partner when you're both building, it can be really demanding.

Speaker 1:25:03 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:25:04 But now we're at a stage in our life where certain things we're performing in, where I've got a bit of a rhythm and a role, and so I'm able to give more time, and you're in this different stage in your life. And I feel like when you start looking at your life as stages-

Speaker 1:25:17 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:25:17 ... as opposed to, like, everything having to be the same-

Speaker 1:25:19 This is how it's gonna be forever

Jay Shetty 1:25:20 ... forever.

Speaker 1:25:21 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:25:21 Yeah. It's like it can't be that way. And there's actually a really good book on this by Gary Chapman- And I think it's called The Four Seasons of Love or The Four Seasons of Marriage or Relationships

Speaker 1:25:32 Oh, cool

Jay Shetty 1:25:32 And it talks about how, is your s- is your relationship right now in the season of summer-

Speaker 1:25:40 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:25:40 ... winter, spring, or autumn? Now, when I think about this, I think that all of us want our relationship to always be in summer.

Speaker 1:25:47 I mean, I like winter, but-

Jay Shetty 1:25:49 I, okay. [laughs] You just remembered.

Speaker 1:25:50 Well, uh, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:25:51 You remembered.

Speaker 1:25:51 I was like a nature energy

Jay Shetty 1:25:52 Go along with it. Go along with it.

Speaker 1:25:53 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:25:53 We, we always want our relationship to be in summer in the sense that it's hot-

Speaker 1:25:57 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:25:57 ... it's passionate, it's cool.

Speaker 1:25:59 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:25:59 It's like everything's good about summer, right?

Speaker 1:26:01 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:26:01 We all look forward to summer. But maybe your relationship's at a point in life right now, as this book says, that your relationship might be in winter. It's going through a dark period, a cold period, where you just gotta stick it out together.

Speaker 1:26:12 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:26:12 When I think about New York-

Speaker 1:26:13 Just gotta hibernate

Jay Shetty 1:26:14 Yeah. When I think about us in New York, it was a bit of winter and spring.

Speaker 1:26:18 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:26:18 Like, it was a bit of winter and spring, and autumn's like where you gotta let go and you gotta shed.

Speaker 1:26:22 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:26:22 And I think about when we first started dating, there were moments where our relationship was in autumn-

Speaker 1:26:27 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:26:27 ... where we were just l- letting things go.

Speaker 1:26:30 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:26:30 And purging and, and removing energy.

Speaker 1:26:33 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:26:33 I know when you were at, going to yoga classes and-

Speaker 1:26:35 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:26:35 ... your yoga teacher training. So I just, I think that book's a great model, and that reflection that I've had for a while, that your life goes through stages and seasons, and stop trying to make every day and every week summer.

Speaker 1:26:49 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:26:50 Uh, be-

Speaker 1:26:50 I really love that.

Jay Shetty 1:26:51 Yeah.

Speaker 1:26:51 That's so cool. What a great book.

Jay Shetty 1:26:53 Yeah, I had a reflection. I started researching and then I found the book.

Speaker 1:26:55 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:26:56 And the way I was thinking about it is like, if you know it's winter, you take an umbrella out.

Speaker 1:27:01 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:27:02 If you know it's winter, you put a coat on.

Speaker 1:27:03 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:27:04 But if you think it's summer, you keep expecting your partner to, you know ... Anyway, so this is an interesting question. What film or TV show do you think offers the best example of a healthy relationship?

Speaker 1:27:16 Oh my gosh, that's such a good question. I automatically in my mind go to, um, This Is Us, 'cause it's one of my favorite shows ever.

Jay Shetty 1:27:25 I've never seen it.

Speaker 1:27:25 You've never seen it? But it's so good. And, um-

Jay Shetty 1:27:29 We love Chrissy, our good friend.

Speaker 1:27:31 Love Chrissy.

Jay Shetty 1:27:32 [laughs]

Speaker 1:27:33 Um, but there are actually really lovely examples of couples who, like, make it through stuff in that, whether it's, like, the main couple ... I'm sure, to be honest, most people have probably seen it. You're just the odd one out. But, um, yeah, the, the main mum and dad, and then there's, um, Sterling. What's his name? Sterling Brown. Sterling, the actor.

Jay Shetty 1:27:53 Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Speaker 1:27:54 Yeah, I think that's his n- uh, something Sterling or Sterling something. You'll know who I mean. Uh, but their relationship is amazing 'cause they go through so many ups and downs, but they're so good at communication, and I, I feel like that's a very good show to show very different types of relationships, even Chrissy's relationship with her partner, her husband on the show. They're all so different in relationships and the way they communicate, but they show very good, um, yeah, very, very realistic and, and, uh, useful relationships, I feel.

Jay Shetty 1:28:25 Yeah.

Speaker 1:28:26 I love that show.

Jay Shetty 1:28:26 [laughs]

Speaker 1:28:27 It's so good.

Jay Shetty 1:28:28 I actually struggle with this question because I think, A, I don't watch a lot of TV shows, but I do watch a lot of movies.

Speaker 1:28:33 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:28:33 And I think growing up, I had a really unhealthy view of love because of movies.

Speaker 1:28:37 It's so true.

Jay Shetty 1:28:38 So I grew up watching Bollywood movies a lot, and I remember thinking that that's what love had to look like.

Speaker 1:28:44 [laughs] Yeah, like a flower comes up in the middle when two people are about to kiss.

Jay Shetty 1:28:48 Yeah.

Speaker 1:28:48 That's what they do in Bollywood. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:28:49 Or, or, or like, you're all, like, dancing around and, like, there's all this, like-

Speaker 1:28:52 In a field-

Jay Shetty 1:28:53 There's all this-

Speaker 1:28:54 ... of poppies

Jay Shetty 1:28:55 Yeah, and, like, music's playing when you fall in love with someone.

Speaker 1:28:57 And I'm running towards you in slow motion and my hair naturally falls like this.

Jay Shetty 1:29:02 Yeah.

Speaker 1:29:02 And you're coming towards me, and then it cuts because they don't show anything else in Bollywood films-

Jay Shetty 1:29:07 Yeah

Speaker 1:29:08 ... back in the day.

Jay Shetty 1:29:08 And so, so that's what you ... I grew up with unhealthy projections of love.

Speaker 1:29:13 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:29:13 And the, the thing that comes to mind when I am thinking about this, apart from The Last Dance Michael Jordan documentary, which doesn't show marriage, but shows, like, love in a team and camaraderie and collaboration. I'll try and find a bit more of a ... I, I actually think The Happy Place, uh, The Good Place, sorry. The Good Place.

Speaker 1:29:30 So good.

Jay Shetty 1:29:30 I always call it The Happy Place. Kristen Bell's character, Eleanor, and her relationship with Chidi, like the way it shows relationship dynamics is really interesting-

Speaker 1:29:40 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:29:40 ... about, like, what is a good relationship? What is support? What is friendship? Like, I think it answers a lot of deeper questions.

Speaker 1:29:47 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:29:47 And-

Speaker 1:29:47 And it's, that is such a good show, for sure

Jay Shetty 1:29:48 It's such a great show. I'm enjoying it so much, and we came to it late, but, but we're loving it.

Speaker 1:29:52 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:29:53 And I just think it has so many good messages, so I'd have to go with that.

Speaker 1:29:56 Okay, cool. This Is Us and Happy Place.

Jay Shetty 1:29:58 Yeah.

Speaker 1:29:59 No, what is it?

Jay Shetty 1:30:00 The Good Place.

Speaker 1:30:00 Good Place.

Jay Shetty 1:30:00 The Good Place, yeah. I call it The Happy Place all the time as well.

Speaker 1:30:03 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:30:03 And, and yeah, and I'm going back to what the shows I grew up on. I grew up on The O.C.-

Speaker 1:30:07 Friends

Jay Shetty 1:30:07 ... and Desperate Housewives.

Speaker 1:30:08 Oh, yeah, different. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:30:09 Both not good, [laughs] good examples of-

Speaker 1:30:11 No

Jay Shetty 1:30:11 ... relationship ideas. And, and Friends you grew up on, which again, th-

Speaker 1:30:16 Which again, I wouldn't say it's like the best relationship stuff. It's just comedy and, yeah, but I agree with movies. It's, for girls and for guys, I guess. I guess I didn't think that it was such a big thing for guys, because you never, I don't know, growing up I always think guys just, like, aren't thinking about, like, romance in, in that stage of their life. But for girls, I think for sure you're just always seeing how, like, the, your, the girl's like the damsel in distress, and the guy, like, saves him, saves her, and I think it's, um, yeah, movies mess you up.

Jay Shetty 1:30:46 [laughs] Okay, this is an interesting question. Do, have you ever experienced doubt in our relationship, and how do you express doubt?

Speaker 1:30:55 Mm. I guess maybe, like, right at the beginning when, um ... I'm trying to think.

Jay Shetty 1:31:04 Yeah.

Speaker 1:31:04 I'm sure I did right at the beginning, and then, like, you know, just before you're getting married and, like, everything's, like, a bit confusing, and there's just so much going on because of wedding. And then you're like-

Jay Shetty 1:31:12 [laughs]

Speaker 1:31:12 ... "Oh my gosh, I have to get married to this man." No, I'm joking. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:31:14 Really?

Speaker 1:31:16 No. Um-

Jay Shetty 1:31:16 As in, no, seriously, I want to know.

Speaker 1:31:17 No, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:31:18 It's a good question.

Speaker 1:31:18 I think probably just, I guess just at the beginning when everything was so up in the air, because, like, you know, as a- I'm sure in most cultures, but in our cultures, like the man should have a job, and the man should be the breadwinner, and like you should-

Jay Shetty 1:31:31 Which is not true

Speaker 1:31:32 ... you should have e- no, which is not true, but, and he should have everything figured out before you get into a relationship with that person. Like, everything should already be set before you even think about marriage. Um, and we really didn't have that. [laughs] And so I think probably at the beginning, but I was so lucky because my mom and dad really were just so okay that I naturally feel doubts can come into your mind when other people get in your mind. Um, but I think I was quite sure. I felt like, I felt like straight away I knew I had a connection with you. I knew that your values and the person that you were, um, w- I, I just knew we would be able to grow so deeply together. Um, and that's really what I was focusing on, and then I was so lucky that the rest of everything else fell into place. But, and I'm so grateful for that. But I, I knew that the core thing that I wanted in the relationship was there, for us to grow deeper in our spiritual lives together, and that was the main focus for me. And then, yeah, and then when we started having fun, I was like, oh, he is fun. Like, he's just not just like a teacher and like just so deep, but you also were so fun. And, and, it- all the things that I maybe hadn't thought about was important to me slowly started coming. I was like, oh, that is really important to me. Gosh, I didn't realize that at the beginning that that's what I wanted. Um, but yes, the doubt was definitely, um, [lips smack] was definitely, like, taken away by me constantly going back to the fact that I wanted to be in that relationship with you for that reason. And, um, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:33:05 Yeah.

Speaker 1:33:05 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:33:05 That's a, that's a good, honest answer.

Speaker 1:33:07 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:33:07 Yeah, I think, I think my only doubt was always, and, and it's funny because it's so hard to express this because I remember it was really funny when your family had mentioned this to you, and it was like, "Are you sure he's not gonna run back and be a monk?"

Speaker 1:33:22 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:33:22 Right? And run back-

Speaker 1:33:23 Oh, yeah

Jay Shetty 1:33:23 ... back to the monastery. And it's so interesting because my only doubt in our relationship previously, not anymore, had ever been that should I have been alone.

Speaker 1:33:34 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:33:34 So my doubt was never like you are another person or if you were the right person.

Speaker 1:33:37 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:33:38 It's always been, it's either you or me being alone.

Speaker 1:33:42 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:33:42 And, and I think that comes from me loving being alone and spending so much time alone, and I think there was a part of our relationship where because I was spending long periods on my own-

Speaker 1:33:52 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:33:52 ... I always considered that, and I, and I, and I had that consideration of like-

Speaker 1:33:56 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:33:56 ... oh, is this what I'm meant to be doing? Like, should I have done this? Like, w- I, and I think a big part of my doubt came from a, came from a bit of sadness that I was like, oh, am I taking her away from her family?

Speaker 1:34:07 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:34:08 Am I taking her away from-

Speaker 1:34:09 You did

Jay Shetty 1:34:09 ... her dreams? [laughs] Am I taking ... Like, that was where my doubt of should I have been alone came from was-

Speaker 1:34:16 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:34:16 ... oh, no, maybe I'm like, for my pursuing of my purpose, which I'm really dedicated to-

Speaker 1:34:24 Totally. Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:34:24 ... am I taking her away?

Speaker 1:34:26 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:34:27 That was where my doubt came from. That am I so selfish that maybe I should be doing my purpose alone?

Speaker 1:34:32 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:34:32 Why should I drag someone else on my journey?

Speaker 1:34:34 And I actually think in the beginning, I probably felt that way, too. Like, I, I prob- when we went to New York, it definitely felt like compromising because I felt like the only thing I really had at that time in my life that I truly valued and felt I was very concrete in was my family, and that's what my whole life revolved around. And so I guess at the beginning, because I hadn't matured in my thoughts of, of what this relationship was, I did feel like that, and I, and I remember there used to be times where I was like, well, um, I can't remember, but I'm sure that there were moments where in my mind I even felt like, well, we have to go back for my family to do this because you've taken me away anyway. Like, you've taken me to New York, and so now we have to do this because I wanna do this, or we have to, like, you need to do this for me because we've done this for you. And, um, yeah, but, but I, but I definitely a- now looking back, I realize actually it was all so much more for, like it, so s- I, I don't feel that way at all anymore, but I can, um, yeah, I can, I can relate. I probably had those feelings a little bit at the beginning that you were, you're probably feeling from me. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:35:38 [laughs] No, it's good.

Speaker 1:35:40 Um, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:35:40 I, I think these are great conversations to have, and what's interesting about these conversations, though, is that sometimes you don't have them in the moment.

Speaker 1:35:48 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:35:48 If you don't monitor that well, that could end up breaking something.

Speaker 1:35:51 Definitely.

Jay Shetty 1:35:52 And we're lucky that it didn't, but-

Speaker 1:35:53 I feel like it could have, though, if, if I hadn't, if, if I then didn't choose to, like, figure out what was going wrong with me, and I was projecting that all on you and making it feel like it was, it was the issue was our relationship or the issue was you, but really it was me having a lack of awareness of myself, that I had to, I had to do that. Otherwise, I think I would have constantly kept blaming it on that and constantly felt that way.

Jay Shetty 1:36:14 And I have so much admiration for you and respect for you because of that because I think that it's so easy, I was always trying to compensate and help in whatever-

Speaker 1:36:23 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:36:23 ... way I could, but I feel like you doing that is what's made our relationship so strong-

Speaker 1:36:30 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:36:30 ... is that you've just really worked hard on the last few years of finding yourself, discovering yourself, working-

Speaker 1:36:35 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:36:35 ... and you've tried a lot of things. Like-

Speaker 1:36:37 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:36:37 ... you've, it's not been easy. And you know, I, I feel like I found my thing when I was 18, and-

Speaker 1:36:42 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:36:43 ... I've been doing it for 15 years, and it's funny for me to think that because a lot of people online are like, "Oh, Jay, you've only been doing this online for like three or four years."

Speaker 1:36:52 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:36:52 And I'd be like, "But I've been doing this for 15 years."

Speaker 1:36:53 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:36:54 But for you, I've watched you since we've met, which was, you know, sorry, since we've been together, which is, what, nearly eight years now.

Speaker 1:37:02 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:37:03 And I've seen you, like, try this, try that, experiment with this.

Speaker 1:37:07 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:37:08 And actually it's been really amazing. Why don't you tell people about how you feel your journey's been of discovering your real passion? Because I think people see you now, and you've got your amazing YouTube channel and your Instagram page-

Speaker 1:37:19 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:37:19 ... and all the wonderful stuff you're doing, and people may think, oh yeah, Radhi just, and yes, you've always had this energy that everyone loves you for and that I l- I fell in love with you for. But the way you're expressing it now has definitely evolved.

Speaker 1:37:32 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:37:32 Right?

Speaker 1:37:32 Yeah, definitely. I- To be honest, I feel like I had no idea what I was doing till, till beginning of, or like, what, March last year, um, when all of this started happening and it was the first time I had to literally sit there and be like, "Oh cra- crap, I have no excuse of, oh, I can't do this because Jay, I have to go with Jay traveling. Like, I can't start my own thing because, you know, I'm never really in the country, and it's really difficult. I just wanna focus on what Jay has, and I'm just there to support him." [laughs] And I realized as much as that was true and I did wanna do that, it was probably a big, um, covering for me not wanting to actually figure out what I wanted to do because everything just felt so scary to start something. Um, and yeah, it just kind of stripped all of that away, where I, I was like, no, I have to fill my days with something that feels meaningful and, and figure out what that is to me and how that looks to me. And so I just started. And yeah, I definitely tried so many different ways and different things, whether it was like, I s- made a we- did a website during that time. And, you know, it's not the best website, but it's like, the website that I started off with, and I put so much effort into it. I did like 100 recipes within, what, a couple of months because I really focused on it. And, and it just showed me, because I was such a person that I would start something and as soon as it felt a little bit overwhelming or it even felt like it was getting good or succeeding in some way, I'd be like, "Oh my gosh, that means I have to take another step forward, and I'm not sure I wanna do that. Okay, let's just start, shut it down and go somewhere else and do something else." And I, and I re- I realized that pattern that I had. And so I was really determined to not do that with this because it w- I almost, like, get in my own way of being a failure be- in my mind, being a failure, because I choose to not take the next step. Not because anything else comes in my way, but because the fear of the next step would always scare me, scare me enough to not wanna take it. And so it was really amazing, actually. I was like, just looking at myself from an, like, outside perspective, and I was like, oh my gosh, I never, ever thought she could do this. Like, I never thought I could do that. I never thought I would actually still be making recipes. I thought it was like something I'd do for a month and then get bored and be like, "Eh."

Jay Shetty 1:39:40 [laughs]

Speaker 1:39:40 Can't be bothered to, to, to keep adding onto this website anymore. But, um, yeah, and then, and then I did my, decided to try my YouTube thing, which, oh my gosh, took so long to actually start because of fear again pushing me away from it. But I just ... I mean, you've always been so amazing and supportive in that constantly, like, you see everything happening for me before I even dream about it. And I think it's just been so nice because whenever I've had doubts, you've been so amazing at helping me through them practically, where it's either it's in like a supportive way of just love, but a lot of the time it's really taking the time to have the conversations with me. And I avoid the conversations, and you're like, "Okay, what do you need to do next? Like, what is it that ..." I'm like, "I don't wanna talk about it right now. I haven't figured it out, and I just don't wanna speak about it." But you constantly would help, like, push me through because you saw that it was coming from a place of fear, not because I actually didn't want to. And I think that's really important too. It's like, I know with a lot of your stuff, like 99% of the time you don't necessarily need to speak to me about it. But there are certain times that you do wanna discuss things. And vice versa, like I obviously like dis- I obviously need, um, you to input in a lot more of my stuff because I feel like you've done a lot of the things that I've done, and I really appreciate your advice for it. Um, but I think there is so much of the support being in so many different ways throughout the times that I needed it. And, um, yeah, I just, I, to be honest, I don't know how I did, how I got here, but I'm really happy-

Jay Shetty 1:41:06 [laughs]

Speaker 1:41:06 ... that I did it. I'm so happy because I never expected myself to be able to do that, ever. And I, I just genuinely feel for any, everybody else that's listening to this that I was, like, that's where my spontaneity that can be a strength end- ended up being something that was such a weakness for me in the areas where I wanted to commit to something. And, um, yeah, I just, I honest- And I'm not just saying this. Genuinely, if I can do it, ask my mom, she will tell you if I can do it, I 100% know that other people can. Whatever it is that you love doing, just try it out. And, um, yeah, if I can do it, oh my gosh, you all can definitely do it.

Jay Shetty 1:41:43 Yeah.

Speaker 1:41:43 But enough about me. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:41:45 What I genuinely love about the way you're doing it, though, is that even though you have become more organized and disciplined and focused to figure this out-

Speaker 1:41:53 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:41:53 ... you haven't lost who you are.

Speaker 1:41:55 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:41:55 And I think that's the hardest part, and I love seeing that in you. Like, each and every video, the amount of effort you put in, I know the amount of effort that goes behind the scenes when you're about to launch a video.

Speaker 1:42:06 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:42:06 And like, your nerves and your e- excitement, and you just wanna make everything so wonderful for everyone, and I love that. I love that even though you've become organized and focused and disciplined and all those things that you've had to learn, that you haven't lost yourself in it.

Speaker 1:42:20 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:42:20 Because I think that's possible too. So I, I love watching it, and it makes me really happy. And, and what you were just saying at the end, you know, there's, there's an old relationship rule of like, don't keep the score, and it's been said for many, many years of like, "Don't keep score in a relationship."

Speaker 1:42:36 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:42:37 But often score feels like, oh, I did this favor. What did someone else do? And what I've realized is that score should not be kept energetically. And so what I mean by that is I really feel that you carry the re- relationship sometimes emotionally.

Speaker 1:42:56 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:42:56 And so I may be carrying it mentally-

Speaker 1:42:58 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:42:58 ... but you're carrying it emotionally. And so if you're only looking at the mental score-

Speaker 1:43:03 Right

Jay Shetty 1:43:03 ... I'll be going like, "Oh, well, I'm doing everything. Why are you not doing anything mentally? Like, you're not planning."

Speaker 1:43:07 [laughs] Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:43:08 "You're not setting goals. You're not doing this." But that's because I'm only measuring it on my scorecard.

Speaker 1:43:13 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:43:14 And I think it's so important to be like, well, there are so many different scorecards. There's-

Speaker 1:43:18 That's so true

Jay Shetty 1:43:18 ... physical, financial, mental, emotional, spiritual. There are five scorecards.

Speaker 1:43:22 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:43:23 First of all, there shouldn't be a scorecard, but I'm saying-

Speaker 1:43:25 No, but I know what you mean

Jay Shetty 1:43:25 ... there's five types of offering-

Speaker 1:43:27 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:43:27 ... in a relationship. And you're only ever looking at the one you give. So-

Speaker 1:43:31 But it's also useful to think of it in that way. Like, you're saying there's not scorecards, but I think it's useful, because I think naturally we all have tendencies to want to be the hero, or like want to be the person that like, "Oh, but I've done this and I've done that." And so actually looking at it in that way allows you to see where your strength is and your scorecard, but then realize hopefully where the other person is also contributing.

Jay Shetty 1:43:52 Yeah, hopefully. [laughs]

Speaker 1:43:52 So I think ... Yeah. [laughs] Um, but yeah, that's so, that's really what a good way of putting it. I've never thought of it in that way, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:43:58 Yeah, no, I've thought about that so many times. I think whenever I've been in that position of like, "Oh, I'm doing so much for this relationship," and-

Speaker 1:44:04 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:44:04 ... and I, and I do f- there are times when I feel like that. I'm like-

Speaker 1:44:07 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:44:07 ... "Oh, I'm doing this," and I ... And then you just stop and you're like, "That's just stupid-"

Speaker 1:44:11 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:44:11 ... because there are so many levels you carry the relationship on.

Speaker 1:44:14 Totally.

Jay Shetty 1:44:15 And, and I encourage everyone to do that with their partner, is just really look at like, where are you carrying the relationship and where are they carrying the relationship?

Speaker 1:44:23 Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:44:23 And I promise you that someone in your relationship is carrying something.

Speaker 1:44:27 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:44:28 And if they're not carrying anything, then sure, that's-

Speaker 1:44:30 Totally

Jay Shetty 1:44:30 ... that's not a great relationship. But I think there are so many relationships where we miss what someone's doing.

Speaker 1:44:36 I think that really stops you from, um, and actually having ... I didn't think of it in that way, but whenever I do think about when I'm irritated at something or when I feel that way, thinking about it in your way, and sometimes I have thought about it in that way, it makes you really not be selfish. Like, it makes you, a lot of the times if you feel that way, you can end up stopping yourself from continue- continuing to do that, or continuing to be the person carrying this section. But I think when you think of it as these other four areas that could, the other person may be helping in or carrying, it stops you from limiting yourself in what you can give and, and realizing that actually I could be giving everything in this category, and that's okay, because he's giving everything in this category, and I don't want to do that category, so I'm good for him to, to handle that. Um, and so yeah, I think, like when that just reminds me of all the, the stuff I always get, like even when I put up cooking stuff or I'll get DMs just being like, "You know, does Jay ever cook for you?" Um, "Does Jay do this for you?" And I'm like, "No, and it doesn't irritate me at all because I don't like doing finance stuff." Like, it may be such a cliche of like how, you know, I like being in the kitchen, but it's out of choice. Like, I love being in the kitchen and-

Jay Shetty 1:45:44 It's not because you're a woman

Speaker 1:45:45 ... it's not because I'm a woman.

Jay Shetty 1:45:46 It's, it's, yeah-

Speaker 1:45:46 That's what I mean

Jay Shetty 1:45:46 ... it's your passion as a-

Speaker 1:45:47 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Jay Shetty 1:45:47 ... as a individual, yeah.

Speaker 1:45:48 And like sometimes when you [laughs] there's been times, remember when like some days I'll be like, um, someone was, you'll be like, "Oh, someone's come to our house," and you're like, "Yeah, and this is her work area." And some people don't even know what I'm doing, and I'm like [laughs] and we both laugh about it.

Jay Shetty 1:46:00 Yeah, I always, I always show people my office, which is where we are now.

Speaker 1:46:03 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:46:03 And then when we go to the kitchen, I always say, "And this is Radhi's office."

Speaker 1:46:06 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:46:06 And I don't mean it in a condescending or sexist way at all.

Speaker 1:46:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:46:10 It's actually her office.

Speaker 1:46:12 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:46:12 Like, that's where you experiment-

Speaker 1:46:13 100%

Jay Shetty 1:46:13 ... and that's where you create recipes and yeah.

Speaker 1:46:15 But, but yeah, I just think it's, it's really, it's really important that, because I do still always get people, "But like does it, is, doesn't it annoy you that he doesn't cook? Doesn't it annoy you that he doesn't even want to try or make you a meal?" And I'm like, "No, because I really don't want to learn about this that he does and he manages." And I think it's so important because you can get so wrapped up in what other people do for each other in relationships, um, and what other people are carrying for each other in relationships, and you see this one aspect of them and you're like, "Oh, well why doesn't he carry that for me? And why doesn't she carry that for me or do that for me?" And, and I think it's so important because it can really, yes, stop you from giving as much as you should be or want to be giving in a relationship, because you're putting up your own barriers and telling yourself that you shouldn't because he's not giving enough.

Jay Shetty 1:46:58 Exactly. All right, couple more questions.

Speaker 1:47:01 Go on then.

Jay Shetty 1:47:01 Uh, this is a good one. When are you most scared to be vulnerable with your partner?

Speaker 1:47:08 When are you most scared to be vulnerable? Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:47:12 Like, when are you scared of like being really honest and open? I'm thinking.

Speaker 1:47:15 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:47:16 [laughs] Go on.

Speaker 1:47:19 Uh-

Jay Shetty 1:47:20 Go on.

Speaker 1:47:21 Sometimes when, um, you know, like if I'm supposed, if like you've already given me advice on something, and then like I'm kind of asking for like again, and I'm like really confused about something again, and you're really nice about it, but sometimes I feel like it's, you know, when I know you're gonna tell me something that I don't necessarily want to hear because you've already told me before, and I don't necessarily want you to give me the answer 'cause I know you're right, that makes me really annoyed. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:47:43 [laughs]

Speaker 1:47:45 So sometimes I don't feel like being vulnerable about how I'm feeling because I know the answer you're gonna give and that I don't want to hear it. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:47:52 [laughs] I've, so what do I need to be to help you be more vulnerable?

Speaker 1:47:57 No, I think that's more me. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:47:59 No, seriously.

Speaker 1:48:00 No, no, I think it's, it is, this is, uh, very much so just me. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:48:04 [laughs] I, I think-

Speaker 1:48:06 It's me just wanting to be stubborn and not wanting you to be right

Jay Shetty 1:48:08 ... that's like a recurring theme in this podcast right now.

Speaker 1:48:13 I'm not stubborn.

Jay Shetty 1:48:13 [laughs] I'm not allowed to say it. That's the thing.

Speaker 1:48:16 Yeah, you're not allowed to say it.

Jay Shetty 1:48:16 That's the rule I've learned. I'm not allowed to say Radhi's reflect- [laughs] that's when I feel most vulnerable, is like I'm not allowed to repeat something-

Speaker 1:48:23 No

Jay Shetty 1:48:23 ... she said-

Speaker 1:48:24 No

Jay Shetty 1:48:24 ... that makes me look good.

Speaker 1:48:26 I'm like, "Yeah, I should really tidy up after myself," or whatever, and he's like, "Yeah, yeah, we should." I'm like, "You're not allowed to tell me, you're not allowed to tell me that I should tidy up. I, I'll tell myself if I'm gonna tidy up after myself, okay?"

Jay Shetty 1:48:34 [laughs] I, I feel most, I'm trying to think.

Speaker 1:48:38 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:48:38 I, I think the time I feel most vulnerable is like when I've spent a lot of money on something. [laughs] Like, I feel like that's it, but I'm trying to think of it like-

Speaker 1:48:46 Oh, yeah, like when you tell me not to, "Oh, yeah, make sure you just park properly and don't ruin the rims." I'm like, "If I wanna ruin the rims, I'll ruin the rims, okay?"

Jay Shetty 1:48:53 [laughs] No, that, no, but I don't feel vulner- I say that to you. The, I'm trying to think of some- when am I scared of being vulnerable with you? When am I scared of being vulnerable with you?

Speaker 1:49:03 Wait, I thought it was in the money thing.

Jay Shetty 1:49:05 No, like if I've just bought like a really expensive suit or something.

Speaker 1:49:09 Oh, you don't want to tell me.

Jay Shetty 1:49:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:49:10 Oh.

Jay Shetty 1:49:10 Exactly, yeah. It's like if I've just bought an expensive suit-

Speaker 1:49:13 Oh

Jay Shetty 1:49:13 ... for like an awards ceremony or something.

Speaker 1:49:14 'Cause he knows he's got a goodie wife.

Jay Shetty 1:49:16 [laughs] Yeah. So I get scared of being like, "Yeah, this is how much this suit costs," because I'm wearing it to this-

Speaker 1:49:20 And what do I always say? I'm like, "That's okay. It's for your work."

Jay Shetty 1:49:22 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:49:23 Every time, every time.

Jay Shetty 1:49:24 Yeah, yeah. No, you're always nice about it.

Speaker 1:49:25 In, in my mind I always, I'm like, "It's for your work. It's fine."

Jay Shetty 1:49:27 [laughs] No, you're nice about it. I think, I think it's a silly thing just because of- ... upbringing-

Speaker 1:49:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Jay Shetty 1:49:34 ... and raising-

Speaker 1:49:34 Totally, totally

Jay Shetty 1:49:34 ... and stuff. It's not you. It's not you at all. You, you never stop me. Um, and then I'm trying to think what, I'm trying to think of something more-

Speaker 1:49:41 Um

Jay Shetty 1:49:41 ... more deep-

Speaker 1:49:41 I'm trying to think for you as well

Jay Shetty 1:49:41 ... 'cause that was a fun one that I'm just-

Speaker 1:49:43 L- for, with your health, like sometimes with health stuff.

Jay Shetty 1:49:45 Yes.

Speaker 1:49:46 You know why? Because sometimes, like, because I'm cooking for him, I take things quite personally. And so sometimes if he-

Jay Shetty 1:49:51 No, but you try so hard.

Speaker 1:49:53 No, I know, I know.

Jay Shetty 1:49:54 Yeah, like you don't-

Speaker 1:49:54 But-

Jay Shetty 1:49:54 As in that's not-

Speaker 1:49:55 But I feel like sometimes from you, I feel you get a little bit worried about saying if something has upset your stomach or if something hasn't made you feel right, um, whenever you have any ups and downs with your health, um, or whenever I've given you something and I've suggested something and it hasn't worked, and I'm like, "Well, why hasn't it worked?" Like, I just don't understand and I think it makes you vulnerable, and I get quite defensive.

Jay Shetty 1:50:16 No, no, no, I don't think so, but you're trying so, like I, I don't think you get defensive. I think you try really hard, and so-

Speaker 1:50:21 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:50:21 ... it's hard for you because you're f- trying to figure out so many ways to support me or help me.

Speaker 1:50:26 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:50:26 And you don't wanna, you don't want it to go wrong, and this is where it always comes back down to, it's like when you trust the person loves you-

Speaker 1:50:32 Mm

Jay Shetty 1:50:33 ... you know that someone even being defensive is out of love-

Speaker 1:50:36 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:50:36 ... in that scenario.

Speaker 1:50:36 Well, I am defensive though about it, to be honest.

Jay Shetty 1:50:38 No, but I, I don't, I think that comes from the fact that you're trying so hard.

Speaker 1:50:42 Yeah, m- yeah, maybe because I'm just like, "Oh, what?" And it's hard when you're not in control of something and you're trying to be in control of it. Um, but yeah, I feel like that's when I know is your, you are a little bit scared to be vulnerable because you wanna tell me but you also don't wanna upset me or, or like-

Jay Shetty 1:50:57 That's a good answer.

Speaker 1:50:58 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:50:58 Yeah, that's a good answer. I don't, yeah, I, I never want you to feel like you're trying really hard and it's not working on something, because I don't think that's fair, because it's not necessarily your responsibility.

Speaker 1:51:10 Or, or like when you wanna play PlayStation and you pretend like it's like a work meeting with your partner, and really-

Jay Shetty 1:51:16 You never say that's a work meeting

Speaker 1:51:17 ... and really you just wanna play PlayStation together, but you're like, "It's for work." And I'm like, "Mm-hmm."

Jay Shetty 1:51:21 [laughs]

Speaker 1:51:22 Yeah. It's just 'cause you wanna play.

Jay Shetty 1:51:25 Okay.

Speaker 1:51:26 Another one.

Jay Shetty 1:51:26 You're giving way too many.

Speaker 1:51:27 Well, well, there you go.

Jay Shetty 1:51:29 [laughs]

Speaker 1:51:29 No, I'm joking. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:51:29 Okay. So we're on to the final two segments-

Speaker 1:51:31 Okay

Jay Shetty 1:51:32 ... which is fill in the blank and final five.

Speaker 1:51:34 Fill in the blank and final five, okay.

Jay Shetty 1:51:35 Yeah, so fill in the blank is you fill in the blank at the end of the sentence.

Speaker 1:51:38 Yeah, I get it. I get it.

Jay Shetty 1:51:38 So we're both gonna say it. All right?

Speaker 1:51:39 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:51:39 Okay. Are you ready?

Speaker 1:51:41 I'm ready.

Jay Shetty 1:51:42 I feel most supported by my partner when?

Speaker 1:51:45 I feel like we did this last time.

Jay Shetty 1:51:47 Yeah, but not the same question. [laughs]

Speaker 1:51:48 [laughs] I feel most supported by my partner when he brings me snacks when I don't even ask for them.

Jay Shetty 1:51:55 That never happens. [laughs]

Speaker 1:51:56 I know. That's why I just don't feel it right now. [laughs] No, I feel most, that's my answer. You go.

Jay Shetty 1:52:03 I feel most supported by my partner when-

Speaker 1:52:06 I bring you cut up fruit.

Jay Shetty 1:52:08 No, I mean, that's a fun one.

Speaker 1:52:10 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:52:10 Yeah, but when-

Speaker 1:52:11 He likes his fruit cut up-

Jay Shetty 1:52:12 [laughs]

Speaker 1:52:13 ... when he's eating it, like a little baby, because his mom used to do it for him when he was younger. And when he goes back every single time, his mom cuts his fruit up into a little bowl, and, um, he has his little assortment of fruit bowl every day, and he's like, "You know I really love it when my fruit's cut up."

Jay Shetty 1:52:27 [laughs]

Speaker 1:52:28 So, um, that's what I've been doing, cutting up fruit midday, halfway through my work day.

Jay Shetty 1:52:32 I haven't had it today, to be honest.

Speaker 1:52:34 I'm sitting there cutting up fruit for this king over here. [laughs] Cut up fruit makes him-

Jay Shetty 1:52:41 Oh

Speaker 1:52:41 ... makes him support-

Jay Shetty 1:52:42 I'm in tears

Speaker 1:52:42 ... feel supported. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:52:44 [laughs] My, my honest answer was gonna be when my partner's present with me, like when I feel like you're really-

Speaker 1:52:50 Agreed

Jay Shetty 1:52:50 ... fully present. [laughs]

Speaker 1:52:52 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:52:52 Okay.

Speaker 1:52:53 And cut up fruit too.

Jay Shetty 1:52:55 Commitment means?

Speaker 1:52:57 Com- oh, you're really crying.

Jay Shetty 1:52:58 [laughs] I'm like, [laughs] you put me into like-

Speaker 1:53:01 Um-

Jay Shetty 1:53:01 Well, not crying. I mean-

Speaker 1:53:02 Jay Shetty exposed.

Jay Shetty 1:53:04 [laughs] Commitment means?

Speaker 1:53:05 [laughs] Commitment means. Commitment means, mm, commitment means, like, showing up in different ways for one another when the time is right.

Jay Shetty 1:53:21 Hmm. That's a nice way to put it.

Speaker 1:53:22 Knowing, knowing when it's your time to show up and knowing when it's their time to show up. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:53:27 I think commitment means mutual love, boundaries, agreements, connection. Like, when it's mutually-

Speaker 1:53:37 Yes

Jay Shetty 1:53:37 ... created. Like, you create a plan together, you create-

Speaker 1:53:40 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:53:40 ... boundaries together, you create expectations together. That's what commitment means, and then you honor those.

Speaker 1:53:45 Totally.

Jay Shetty 1:53:47 Conflict can bring?

Speaker 1:53:49 Conflict can bring, well, let's just say I box, so conflict can bring-

Jay Shetty 1:53:56 [laughs] Oh, God

Speaker 1:53:57 ... a few... [laughs] I'm joking. I don't do that to him. Um, conflict can bring-

Jay Shetty 1:54:06 Deeper love.

Speaker 1:54:08 I was gonna say something like that.

Jay Shetty 1:54:09 No, you weren't.

Speaker 1:54:10 I was.

Jay Shetty 1:54:10 No, you weren't. You chose boxing. [laughs]

Speaker 1:54:12 [laughs] Conflict can bring boxing. Conflict can bring, um, really good, like, makeup meals.

Jay Shetty 1:54:19 [laughs]

Speaker 1:54:22 Like, whenever we make up, we can be like, "Oh, let's go f- get some, like, Cocobella Creamery ice cream."

Jay Shetty 1:54:26 Is that really what happened? That's why we haven't had it for so long, 'cause we haven't had to make up.

Speaker 1:54:29 We haven't really had many fights lately.

Jay Shetty 1:54:30 [laughs]

Speaker 1:54:31 Just pick one now.

Jay Shetty 1:54:31 [laughs] So then we-

Speaker 1:54:33 I got plenty to say

Jay Shetty 1:54:33 ... so then we can... [laughs]

Speaker 1:54:35 So then we get our Cocobella.

Jay Shetty 1:54:37 Final five.

Speaker 1:54:38 Final five.

Jay Shetty 1:54:38 So these are one word or one sentence answers.

Speaker 1:54:40 Yeah, stop giving me such long answers.

Jay Shetty 1:54:42 [laughs] Okay.

Speaker 1:54:43 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:54:45 What's one thing you recently discovered about yourself that surprised you?

Speaker 1:54:49 That I can commit to things and just maintain it.

Jay Shetty 1:54:52 [laughs] I always knew this, but I guess I forgot it. I love exercising with sport.

Speaker 1:54:57 Yes.

Jay Shetty 1:54:57 I just need to play more sport.

Speaker 1:54:58 You do.

Jay Shetty 1:54:58 I need to stop forcing myself, so that.

Speaker 1:55:00 Lovely.

Jay Shetty 1:55:01 Okay. What about our relationship makes you feel powerful?

Speaker 1:55:07 That we're both on the same page, like, a lot of the time. I'm like, "Oh, I like this," and you're like, "Oh, me too." I'm like, "Oh, okay." Like, even if small or big things, like we are very much so on the same page, and even if we're not, we're both kind of okay with coming to an agreement that we both like. That's mine.

Jay Shetty 1:55:24 Cool. My answer is you, you, you always trust me when the chips are down.

Speaker 1:55:29 What was the question again?

Jay Shetty 1:55:30 Like, what ma- what in our relationship makes you feel powerful?

Speaker 1:55:32 Yeah, got you.

Jay Shetty 1:55:33 So for me, I, I, what makes me feel powerful is you trust me-

Speaker 1:55:35 When we're all in

Jay Shetty 1:55:36 ... you trust me even when things are not working out-

Speaker 1:55:38 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:55:38 ... externally. I, I, that makes me feel really confident and stuff.

Speaker 1:55:43 Good. I'm glad.

Jay Shetty 1:55:44 Okay

Speaker 1:55:44 Just don't use my chips.

Jay Shetty 1:55:45 [laughs]

Speaker 1:55:45 Use your own. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:55:49 What do you think our relationship will be like by our 50th anniversary?

Speaker 1:55:54 Oh, Lord.

Jay Shetty 1:55:54 I didn't choose these.

Speaker 1:55:56 What do I think our relationship-

Jay Shetty 1:55:57 I, I think the better question is how will we celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary?

Speaker 1:56:01 Um, I, my mind's always like, with my family.

Jay Shetty 1:56:04 [laughs]

Speaker 1:56:04 With our family. [laughs] We'd have a really nice 50th celebration with the whole family all together on holiday somewhere.

Jay Shetty 1:56:12 Sounds great.

Speaker 1:56:14 Just letting you know.

Jay Shetty 1:56:14 That's my answer. Sounds great. [laughs]

Speaker 1:56:16 His would be like, "Just us two on a beach with a tennis court," and-

Jay Shetty 1:56:21 No. [laughs]

Speaker 1:56:23 [laughs] And cut fruit. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:56:25 God. I haven't had it today.

Speaker 1:56:27 Next.

Jay Shetty 1:56:28 All right. Two last questions. What about your partner have you grown to love that you initially disliked?

Speaker 1:56:34 [laughs] I can't think of anything.

Jay Shetty 1:56:37 Good.

Speaker 1:56:38 You go first. No, I can think of many things I dislike. I'm just trying to think of what I-

Jay Shetty 1:56:41 I, I think-

Speaker 1:56:41 ... what I now like about you

Jay Shetty 1:56:42 ... I think it was your, like, I think, I've just realized that, I think it was what I said earlier, like, your lack of organization or whatever. Like, I initially that really irked me, and then now I'm just like, but that's what lets you be spontaneous.

Speaker 1:56:55 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:56:55 Like, that's what lets your ever freshness come out. And if you became all of that thing, then you can't, you know, not saying that you can't be organized. Like, you are organized now, and you have become. But I mean, if you became a-

Speaker 1:57:08 Rigid

Jay Shetty 1:57:08 ... an organizational rigid beast, then you lose that.

Speaker 1:57:11 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:57:11 You lose part of that, so.

Speaker 1:57:12 Um, I think mine for you is probably just, like, your general way of thinking was not something that I was used to.

Jay Shetty 1:57:18 That's true.

Speaker 1:57:19 Um-

Jay Shetty 1:57:19 That's a good one. That's a really good one

Speaker 1:57:20 ... whether it was the quality versus quantity amount of time, 'cause I was not used to that. Whether it was, um, yeah, your just general way of thinking, where I used to be like, oh, well, maybe I don't wanna do that. But then I realize actually it is a really good way of thinking. And, um, even though it used to, like, scare me to think like that, 'cause I felt like I was getting rid of a lot of my old, like, habits and ways of thinking, now I've actually become quite fond of it.

Jay Shetty 1:57:43 Okay.

Speaker 1:57:44 Next.

Jay Shetty 1:57:44 I love that. Okay, fifth and final question of the whole interview, what's the funniest thing that's happened to both of you?

Speaker 1:57:52 The funniest thing that's ever happened to both of us? Mm.

Jay Shetty 1:57:55 I was gonna say-

Speaker 1:57:56 I was gonna say-

Jay Shetty 1:57:57 That-

Speaker 1:57:58 Go on. What were you gonna say?

Jay Shetty 1:58:00 A few weeks or months ago-

Speaker 1:58:03 Oh

Jay Shetty 1:58:03 ... someone put us up on this Instagram page-

Speaker 1:58:06 Oh, yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:58:06 ... called Sibling Revelry. And what this page does is that it puts up pictures of siblings or couples-

Speaker 1:58:14 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:58:14 ... and asks people to guess-

Speaker 1:58:15 To vote whether they're siblings or, or couples

Jay Shetty 1:58:18 ... and so they posted a picture of us, and I think 60% said-

Speaker 1:58:21 Siblings

Jay Shetty 1:58:21 ... siblings, and 40% said couple. Probably 40% who know who we are. And it's really funny because all the awkward pictures on that page- [laughs]

Speaker 1:58:29 Are siblings

Jay Shetty 1:58:29 ... are siblings. [laughs]

Speaker 1:58:30 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:58:31 So it's, yeah, that's probably one of the funniest things that's ever happened.

Speaker 1:58:34 That is really funny. That was a good, good laugh, that was. Good laugh. Um-

Jay Shetty 1:58:38 I can think of another one, too.

Speaker 1:58:39 Go on.

Jay Shetty 1:58:40 I remember when we were traveling to someone's birthday or something when we first started dating, and we got lost in the middle of-

Speaker 1:58:45 That's what I was gonna say.

Jay Shetty 1:58:46 No way, really?

Speaker 1:58:46 That's literally what I went back to.

Jay Shetty 1:58:48 Go on. Go on.

Speaker 1:58:48 No, I was thinking of when we were, um, oh yeah, that's what it was. We were going somewhere, and it was a countryside, and then somehow we, remember we drove into, like, a barn or, like, field area, and I was so scared. And that was the first time that I was in a very scary situation with you, and it was the, the time I realized, like, how you will always be and always have been since the, like, calm. My dad has always been this person for me, so it was so cool because you literally took on that role of, like, you were so calm. You're so collect- even, even when you're scared.

Jay Shetty 1:59:17 I was so scared. [laughs]

Speaker 1:59:17 Like, even when I was like, even if my dad was so scared, he would never, ever sh- show he was scared, and he'd always have me. Like, I would never feel scared because he was never scared. And you literally had-

Jay Shetty 1:59:27 I was scared

Speaker 1:59:27 ... I got a glimpse of that with you. And I was like, oh my gosh, that is so-

Jay Shetty 1:59:30 I was so scared.

Speaker 1:59:31 I know.

Jay Shetty 1:59:31 I was so scared.

Speaker 1:59:32 But you did so good that day.

Jay Shetty 1:59:33 It was a scary moment.

Speaker 1:59:33 But yeah, that was funny, funny now, not funny then.

Jay Shetty 1:59:35 Yeah. Thank you so much for watching that video. If you enjoyed it, here's another one I think you'll love.

Speaker 1:59:42 Instead of criticizing the other person, tell them what you want, and tell them what you don't without implying that they're not doing it, because then they pay attention only to the fact that you told them, "You're not doing it," and then they will basically do what every human being does, which is defend themselves