Jay Shetty Podcast

Why You’re Struggling to Find Love (and how to change it)

How do you know if someone’s really right for you? Has there ever been a time you thought someone was right for you but turned out wrong? Today, Jay brings together four of today’s most insightful voices on love and relationships, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jillian Turecki, Sadia Khan, and Lori Gottlieb, for a deep and honest look at what it really takes to find meaningful connection in the modern world. They share how our signals, habits, and self-perception shape our experiences in dating far more than luck or timing ever could. Vanessa breaks down the subtle science of attraction, and why confidence and openness often matter more than appearance. Jillian helps us face our fear of rejection, reminding us that love isn’t about finding “the one,” but about choosing and growing with someone intentionally. Sadia and Lori take us deeper, showing how self-esteem, honesty, and emotional maturity determine who we allow into our lives. Sadia challenges the patterns that keep us stuck with the wrong people, while Lori highlights the courage it takes to speak our truth and set boundaries early on. Together, their insights form a roadmap for dating that feels healthy, grounded, and real. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Build Confidence Through Body Language How to Date Without Burning Out How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection How to Choose the Right Person, Not the Perfect One How to Stop Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People How to Be Honest About What You Want in Love Love isn’t something that happens by accident, it’s something you learn to create with intention. Every experience, whether it leads to a spark or a lesson, brings you closer to understanding what you truly need and deserve. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty. Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:50 The Flirtation Signals You’re Missing 09:19 The Three Biggest Dating Mistakes 13:32 Rejection is Like a Muscle 16:37 You Shouldn’t Rush Real Love 21:17 The Fear of the Unknown in Relationships 22:22 Who You Give Your Energy To Shapes Your Love Life 24:29 Why Are We Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable People? 26:01 The Real Reason You’re Struggling to Find a Partner 27:49 Are Your Standards Too High? 29:16 Is It Ever Okay to Ghost? 30:52 The Power of Being Honest About What You Want 32:47 Your Present Habits Reveal Your Relationship’s Future

JSJay ShettyhostVEVanessa Van EdwardsguestJTJillian TureckiguestSKSadia KhanguestLGLori Gottliebguest

Nov 5, 2025·39m·Watch on YouTube ↗

📖 CHAPTERS

1. 1
   0:00 – 0:50

   Why dating feels harder now: burnout, perfection myths, and authentic connection

   Jay frames the episode around a modern paradox: many people want love, yet feel exhausted by the process—especially apps. He sets the theme that love isn’t about “being perfect,” but about authenticity, signal-reading, and making choices that support real connection.

2. 2
   0:50 – 9:19

   Flirtation is often invisible: the “signal amplification” problem

   Vanessa Van Edwards explains that most people drastically overestimate how clear their flirting is. Research shows flirting is recognized surprisingly rarely, so subtle cues often don’t land—leading to missed connections.

3. 3
   9:19 – 13:32

   How to signal availability: eye contact patterns, smiles, and self-touch cues

   Vanessa breaks down practical behaviors that communicate openness: repeated glance patterns, small smiles, and certain self-touch gestures. The broader message is that signaling availability can outperform “raw attractiveness” in whether someone approaches.

4. 4
   13:32 – 16:37

   Scent and voice: overlooked attraction cues that build comfort and confidence

   The conversation expands beyond visuals into smell and vocal tone—two subtle factors that shape connection quickly. Vanessa shares research suggesting scent preference can predict liking, and explains how relaxed vocal resonance communicates confidence almost instantly.

5. 5
   16:37 – 21:17

   Lower the stakes: the simplest move is a confident “Hey”

   Vanessa offers a low-pressure strategy to initiate connection: a simple greeting while passing by. The point is to replace overthinking with small, repeatable actions that make interest unmistakable without forcing a big moment.

6. 6
   21:17 – 22:22

   Three biggest dating mistakes: app-only dating, impatience, and unrealistic expectations

   Jillian Turecki outlines common traps that make dating feel hopeless: treating apps as the only pipeline, expecting instant results, and walking in with sky-high expectations. She encourages proactive, real-world social expansion and a mindset that dates are practice—not destiny.

7. 7
   22:22 – 24:29

   Stop texting yourself into intimacy: meet sooner to avoid false closeness

   Jillian warns against extended pre-date texting that creates a fantasy bond. She recommends moving quickly to a call or in-person meet to protect time and prevent emotional investment in someone you don’t actually know.

8. 8
   24:29 – 26:01

   Rejection resilience: building the muscle that makes dating sustainable

   Jay and Jillian explore rejection as the core fear behind avoidance, cancellations, and over-texting. Jillian reframes rejection as information: if someone isn’t into you early, they’re not your person—and tolerating that reality is essential for finding love.

9. 9
   26:01 – 27:49

   Why you shouldn’t rush real love: chemistry is not character

   Jillian challenges the “the one” myth and the urge to accelerate intimacy. She emphasizes love as a choice over time, and encourages slowing down to evaluate values, needs, and character—especially when chemistry is intense.

10. 10
    27:49 – 29:16

    Fear of the unknown: why people stay in the wrong relationship

    Jay and Jillian contrast the discomfort of being single with the deeper pain of staying in misaligned relationships. They highlight how fear of returning to the unknown can keep people stuck, even when the relationship erodes wellbeing.

11. 11
    29:16 – 30:52

    It’s not what you attract—it’s what you entertain: self-esteem and unavailable partners

    Sadia Khan reframes “I attract unavailable people” into a question of boundaries and normalization. Low self-esteem can make dismissiveness feel normal, turning anxiety into mistaken “chemistry.”

12. 12
    30:52 – 32:47

    Standards vs comparison culture: when “similar” feels like “settling”

    Sadia addresses how apps and social media inflate ideals and create contempt for realistic matches. She argues standards should reflect reciprocity and alignment—otherwise they may be compensating for self-worth gaps rather than supporting compatibility.

13. 13
    32:47 – 39:13

    Ghosting, honesty, and predicting the future from present habits (rupture & repair)

    Lori Gottlieb explains ghosting as a byproduct of low-investment digital culture and poor communication—reason to de-escalate attraction, not obsess. She also shows how clarity about exclusivity and needs isn’t “needy,” and that the best predictor of a relationship’s future is how you handle conflict and repair in the present.