Jay Shetty PodcastWhy You’re Struggling to Find Love (and how to change it)
EVERY SPOKEN WORD
40 min read · 7,918 words- 0:00 – 0:50
Intro
- JSJay Shetty
What if you've been approaching dating all wrong? Maybe you've put yourself out there, but nothing clicks, or you're still waiting for the right person. Over half of singles today are open to love, yet more than 60% feel burned out by apps. The truth is, finding love isn't about perfection. It's about showing up authentically, reading the right signals, and attracting real connection. In this episode, we're joined by body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Jillian Turecki, relationship coach Sadia Khan, and psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb, a masterclass on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships that last. Let's get into it. The number one health and wellness podcast.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
Jay Shetty.
- SPSpeaker
Jay Shetty.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- 0:50 – 9:19
The Flirtation Signals You’re Missing
- JSJay Shetty
Social scientist Vanessa Van Edwards shifts our attention to the subtleties of connection, specifically the cues we give off in dating and attraction that often go unnoticed. She explains that we think we're obvious when we're interested, but research shows we're not. In fact, people recognize flirting only 28% of the time, and women often have to send multiple signals quickly just to be understood. Take a listen and stay tuned for the takeaway. Let's say you're at a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe it is a club.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
You want to signal to someone to make a move. You want to let them know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them to do something, but you wanna be subtle. You don't wanna give it away. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving it away?
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
Okay. I'm gonna give you news that you're probably not gonna like, but it's so important. It's a phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well-studied, that we tend to think we are over-obvious with our cues. So if you're in a, a bar, they literally studied singles in a, like, bar, nightclub setting. Women and men who think they are being obvious with their flirtation cues, the other person has no idea.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
Okay?
- JSJay Shetty
That's so good.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They found in 10 minutes ... How many signals do you think it took for a woman to show a man she was interested? How many ... In 10 minutes, how many signals did she have to send?
- JSJay Shetty
When it actually worked?
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
When it, when it actually worked.
- JSJay Shetty
Now that you've given me some sort of-
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
Uh-oh. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
I'm gonna go 30.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
29.
- JSJay Shetty
Oh, okay. Cool.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
That's it.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
But do you know how many signals that is in 10 minutes?
- JSJay Shetty
That's a lot of signals.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
That is, that is pretty constant.
- JSJay Shetty
And if you didn't tell me, I probably would've guessed three.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
Right.
- JSJay Shetty
It was only because you gave me a sense that there was more, I probably would've said three, seven.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
That is what women think-
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
... is it, what's needed. "I sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested." No, he didn't see them, or he doubted himself, or he was like, "Was that a trick of my eye?" It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get approached so the other person went, "Oh, she's interested. Just interested." That was before the, even the conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability? And this is what's most important, is in the same group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most attractive women who were rated, uh, on their attractiveness, got approached less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough.
- JSJay Shetty
Fascinating.
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, you won't be approached.
- JSJay Shetty
Do you have to approach more based on how objectively attractive you are?
- VEVanessa Van Edwards
You have to be available more. So what they found, [laughs] and this is ... So it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand that sometimes I think we use attractiveness as an excuse. "I'm not pretty enough," or, "I'm not this enough." No. Actually, some unattractive women who signaled availability got approached more.
- 9:19 – 13:32
The Three Biggest Dating Mistakes
- JSJay Shetty
takeaway here is that confidence and availability beats attractiveness every time. People respond to signals of openness, not perfection. Mastering body language, like flirty glances, leaning in, mirroring someone's energy, can make a huge difference in who you attract. It just requires intentionality and lowering the stakes so that even a casual hey can lead to big results. Up next, love expert Jillian Turecki. She shares the biggest dating mistakes people make, and how to build resilience and clarity to find real connection. She reminds us dating isn't just about the one, but about learning who you are. While many expect instant sparks, true connection often grows slowly, and with 70% of people reporting they've been love bombed, moving too fast can sabotage something meaningful. And above all, choosing who to share your life with is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Don't rush it. [whooshing] What are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now?
- JTJillian Turecki
Hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, what am I getting wrong about dating? That seems to be the top question.
- JTJillian Turecki
So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just be the apps. I don't tell people, "Get off the apps." Sometimes I say, "Get on the apps." But if you just focus on that, that's gonna burn you out, and it's gonna exhaust you, and you're meeting a bunch of strangers. So that's, like, another mistake that people make, is that they're impatient. It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with. Like, it's just not that easy. But you have to get out there, you have to be proactive. Look, there are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for, like, that person to fall [laughs] onto the couch next to them, and it's not gonna happen that way. So you can either live your life to the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one day, organically, it may or may not happen if you put yourself out there and you widen your circle, or you actually have to be proactive, and that might mean going on a ... like, dating like it's your business. Like, going on a bunch of dates every single week with as low of an expectation as possible. 'Cause one of the biggest mistakes that people make i- in dating, like, I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this, but you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel like there's a vibe, and then you go out, and you're like, "Uh, I don't feel a spark," or, "I'm not into it." And then there's this ... People then get into learned helplessness, and when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know, "It's the why me? This is never gonna happen. It's ... This state that I am in is permanent. Like, I will never find anyone." No. Dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your social skills. Social skills are things that most people are not that great at, honestly, even the people who think that they're [laughs] really great at it. It takes a lot to really talk to someone and not interview them, and actually be curious about them. You know, a lot of people are nervous. So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body, and getting to know someone. And who knows? Maybe you make a friend, and maybe you never wanna see that person again.But at least you're practicing. So the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting certain things unfold organically. Number two, impatience. Number three, just sort of high expectations, but I wanna add another one if I can.
- JSJay Shetty
Please.
- JTJillian Turecki
People get into these very long, I mean, when I say long, like weeks, texting exchanges with these people, and it gives them a false sense of intimacy. "Oh, I have this amazing connection." They have never even met the person, and then maybe they never meet. Don't do that. Text a little bit back and forth, like a day, and make a date to either ma- meet on FaceTime, Zoom, or in person. You really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who, uh, may not be available.
- JSJay Shetty
For a month.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Or more.
- JTJillian Turecki
For a month.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- JTJillian Turecki
Or more. And then you're getting all exci- I understand, like, the thrill of it, and it's all, it, it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time, honestly, you know? Meet the person.
- 13:32 – 16:37
Rejection is Like a Muscle
- JSJay Shetty
As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at the root of that for so many people, and one of the things that came to me was this fear of rejection.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
So even the idea of, "I'm talking to this person for a month," is because I don't have to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to meet me again, or the resistance that we have to make work and dating feel the same. I know so many people who will cancel on dates last minute because they're scared of, "Well, what if I go and it doesn't work out?"
- JTJillian Turecki
Mm.
- JSJay Shetty
Or, and, and rejection, by the way, is two types of rejection. One type of rejection is, "That person doesn't want me."
- JTJillian Turecki
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And the other type of rejection is, "That person doesn't meet my expectations," or-
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... "That person, I don't wanna be with them."
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
So I'm not just saying rejection in that we're scared of, "Well, what if that person doesn't like me?" We're also scared of the, "Am I gonna reject another person?" And like you said, with the high expectations. What do we do about both of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's take the, the more obvious one to start with. We all wanna be loved, we wanna be liked, we all want the next person to be the person.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Chances are that's not gonna happen. We'd know that.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
But still, we struggle with the fact that I'm gonna meet someone and they're gonna say, "Well, you're not right for me," or, you know, "I don't, don't really wanna see you again." Like, how do you get over that? Because we talk about it in entrepreneurship, we talk about it in life, but when you do it with love, it seems so personal.
- JTJillian Turecki
It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love. It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who you don't know. This is just human nature. We go on dates. Even if we're not into the person, we want them to be into us.
- JSJay Shetty
[laughs]
- JTJillian Turecki
Or, right?
- JSJay Shetty
Yes.
- JTJillian Turecki
Or, like, we find them, let's say we find them attractive, and then we find out, "Wait, you're not into me? You don't find me attractive?" Yeah, but life really, the quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection. Like, you're not gonna be for everyone, and I really believe this with all of my heart and soul. If someone is not into you for whatever reason, like let's say you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life, and I know that it's like you're putting yourself out there, but I wish there was, like, a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it. But you have to become more resilient when it comes to that. You know, you can't be hiding be- behind texts and not actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah.
- JTJillian Turecki
Honestly. You really, really do. And, and you have to just trust that, like, you're not for everyone and not everyone's for you. And yes, it's awkward, and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all, you know? But you still have to, if you want love and you want a relationship, you have to go for it. You can't just be
- 16:37 – 21:17
You Shouldn’t Rush Real Love
- JTJillian Turecki
passive.
- JSJay Shetty
You're looking for one person to fall in love with you and for you to fall in love with.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And for that, you're going to have to meet a lot of people to find that one person, but all you need is one person to say yes, one person to say I do, one person to say I love you.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And if you're only looking for one person, just by the nature of odds, you should know- [laughs]
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... that that probably won't be the next person. So switching to that, you said one thing about kind of going in at the lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're allowing it to become a friendship, you're allowing it to become a nothing-ship.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
You're allow- you're allowing it to become what it is.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
As opposed to us walking in and going, "This next person's gonna be my wife, my husband," whatever it may be.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
My partner. I think it's so natural for so many of us to want to speed up love.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, speeding up love seems to be our addiction and obsession with I just wanna meet the one. Now that we're dating, I just wanna get married. Now, you know, it's we're trying to accelerate love almost.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
So how do we slow it down, and how do we take it back to baseline?
- JTJillian Turecki
Number one is there is no the one. [laughs] There really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the one is, and this is, this is really, really important. Love, as I'm sure you know, is a choice. Like, it's a feeling, for sure, but we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice, and that when, if you do decide to be with someone long term, you're going to have to make that choice many, many times throughout your relationship, which is I choose you, right? So people wanna rush it, and so what they do, and what I've done, is that we lie to ourselves, and it's also because we've been lied by society that there is, and romanticism, that there is this one person who's gonna come into your life.And rescue you and make your life better, and that once you find that person, like, everything becomes easier. And, and I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships, but the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that you've been modeled what it is to actually really love someone, the more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love someone and to do love, to, uh, where, where it's a verb and not just a feeling. So how do we slow it down and we just wanna rush it? It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people, they meet, there's chemistry, and I know that this was me. I think if there's chemistry, then this is it, as opposed to, well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry and I haven't had chemistry with the right people, so maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about, I don't want anyone to, I don't wanna rain on anyone's parade, like, all that stuff is really fun in the beginning. But you wanna just say, "Okay, hold on. What am I feeling right now? This feels really good. This is really exciting, but I need to slow down because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, what it is that I value, and what it is that I really, really want. Not just my preference, but what do I need in order to function in a relationship? Do I have some understanding of myself?" You know, it's difficult. Women, childbearing age, societal pressures, get married. I understand. I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life, and we are meant to kind of get it wrong, and some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others, right? But it is the most important decision, so if you're going to rush that, you're really truly doing yourself a disservice, and you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes, you're scared. You're scared to be alone. You're scared to not be loved. You don't wanna be in the dating world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it. You know, connect to that within yourself, and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision, because there's no one in your life who's gonna have a bigger impact on your overall wellbeing and emotional state than the person who you choose to spend your life with. So you've got to take that decision very seriously and not
- 21:17 – 22:22
The Fear of the Unknown in Relationships
- JTJillian Turecki
rush it.
- JSJay Shetty
I have often said to friends, there's the pain of being single, and there's the pain of being in the wrong relationship.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes.
- JSJay Shetty
And the pain of being single is a lot better than the pain of being in the wrong relationship.
- JTJillian Turecki
Agree 100%.
- JSJay Shetty
It's-
- JTJillian Turecki
Agree 100%.
- JSJay Shetty
It's, it's so hard when you're dating someone, and you've got enmeshed into each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity, there's, as you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values-
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... the person's character. You think you just discovered it, but actually they showed it all along, and you didn't see the signs.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And now you're thinking, "Gosh, I was happier when I was single."
- JTJillian Turecki
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And you can't see that when you're single because the promise of being in a relationship is so alluring-
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes
- JSJay Shetty
... and intoxicating that we feel like I must have that now.
- JTJillian Turecki
Yes. And many of those people might think, "Yes, it's easier when I'm single," but they're actually afraid to go back to it, and that's why they stay in these relationships because we fear the unknown.
- 22:22 – 24:29
Who You Give Your Energy To Shapes Your Love Life
- JSJay Shetty
We all want to feel better, to have more energy and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and lion's mane. It's designed to boost your mood, support your focus, and give you natural energy, all without the crash. A new classic reimagined. We're so excited to officially launch our new lemonade iced tea flavor. When we created Juni, my goal was simple. I wanted to make drinks that help you feel balanced and energized without compromise. Our upgraded take on the classic Arnold Palmer is crisp, refreshing, and crafted with adaptogens to support energy, focus, and mood, all with zero sugar. Be among the first to try it. Available exclusively at drinkjuni.com, where you can use the code ONPURPOSE20 for 20% off your first order. Cheers to your daily mood boost. We all want to feel better, to have more energy and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and lion's mane. It's designed to boost your mood, support your focus, and give you natural energy, all without the crash. Get your daily mood boost with Juni at Whole Foods Market, or head to drinkjuni.com to find a store near you. The key takeaway here is that while you're only looking for that one person, understand that it might not be the next person. But that doesn't mean you stop showing up. It means you use discernment to get clearer, stronger, and more grounded in who you are and what needs you have. When you do that, you're able to show up authentically and honor what you deserve. So often in dating, we obsess over who we're attracting, but the real question is, who are we entertaining? The next guest is relationship coach Sadia Khan. Nearly 80% of daters report being ghosted at least once, and Sadia reveals that attraction isn't the issue. Most of us can attract all types of people. The problem is what we normalize, the late-night texts, the dismissiveness,
- 24:29 – 26:01
Why Are We Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable People?
- JSJay Shetty
the person who never makes space for you.That's where we lose our power. [whoosh] Most people I speak to feel like they keep attracting people who are unavailable.
- SKSadia Khan
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
People who don't wanna commit.
- SKSadia Khan
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
People who don't have the emotional capacity for connection. Why is it?
- SKSadia Khan
It's not what we attract, it's what we entertain. Most people can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough, we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have low self-esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people are supposed to be a bit unavailable, people are supposed to play hard to get, or it's normal that he doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really ask me how my day is. It's normal that he only texts me at 12:00 AM on a Friday night. And because they believe that that's normalized, it, to themselves, they start to accept what's actually not going to lead to a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what they're attracting, but what they're entertaining, they can take their power back and say, "I'm actually attracting all types of men, but the ones I keep s- forming an attachment to are the ones that leave me a bit anxious, and they're ones that leave me worrying where, what this is and where this is going." Instead of being attracted to that, I start to learn that that is a signal that they've got commitment issues, and all it's going to do is delay my time, delay my ability to, uh, get married, delay my ability to, you know, have a family, and so on and so forth. So we can attract all types of men, but we only entertain the ones that will enable you to start a family and a relationship, or whatever your goal is. They enable that, and if they don't enable that, try and lose attraction for them.
- JSJay Shetty
Why do we feel more attracted to people who make us anxious and who are unavailable? Why is it that we think that they're the ones worth chasing?
- SKSadia Khan
Firstly, if you h- if we have
- 26:01 – 27:49
The Real Reason You’re Struggling to Find a Partner
- SKSadia Khan
low self-esteem, we kind of, uh, see it as, uh, that this is supposed to happen. Nobody's supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably not going to happen. It's normal that, that we get treated like this, if that's your s- low self-esteem. But the other thing is unavailable men, sometimes they demonstrate the, um, uh, the idea of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem more desirable, and because of that mystery, we assume that they've got something interesting going on, they've got alternatives. There's something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive, when we really realize that it's actually they're just emotionally immature. They're not this, this special guy that's got a million things going and his work is taking over and he's so, so busy. Actually, he's just emotionally immature. He doesn't know how to commit. He doesn't know how to ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at the time. When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't h- communicate in a healthy way.
- JSJay Shetty
I think you're spot on.
- SKSadia Khan
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
When, when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking, "If you want someone, like anyone should, who texts back-
- SKSadia Khan
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... within a decent amount of time, that's not an abnormal request."
- SKSadia Khan
And nobody's that, that busy. I li- I know, like, men like to say, "I'm busy at work," or, "I've got this going on. I'm that stressed." Completely understandable, but one text to let th- let that person know will enable them to just relax the whole day. But you can't have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send that quick text, then that person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship, and they're probably not worth your investment.
- JSJay Shetty
Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting that far, because they're meeting people on dating apps.
- SKSadia Khan
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And so you're swiping away. You might get into a conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's talk about this. You're not matching with anyone. Like, no one... It doesn't feel like it's going that well. What do you say to men and women who feel like they've been rejected a few too many times, and they're losing that faith and ability to feel that
- 27:49 – 29:16
Are Your Standards Too High?
- JSJay Shetty
there is someone out there for them?
- SKSadia Khan
Just to be careful, and are you actually not matching, or are you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is, because of social media and because of dating apps, we enter, uh, relationships with almost, like, a, you know, a double standard or a sense of comparison or comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, "Well, if he's not the dream guy," or, "She's not the dream girl. If he's not a high-value man," and, "She's not a high-value woman," we start to look at our matches with a level of, like, distaste, when sometimes a better thing to do is look at the people who are matching with you and try and see, are they actually that bad? Are they some-- is there something wrong with them, or am I just comparing them to a dream idea or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access? I always just think the more you like the person you are, the higher your self-esteem, the more you like people who like you. The fact that the person that are matching you, automatically you start to like them more because they've matched you, because you like you, and they, you, uh, they like you as well. When you've got low self-esteem, you chase after people that you can't access. So my advice to people is always start with who likes you. Always start with that pool, and then home in on that pool and see if you've got similar demographics, values, so on and so forth. But where people go wrong is they glorify the people that they're not matching with, and wanting a love that they've never been able to access, and then comparing who do, they do get matched with, with these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is to focus on who does, and maybe adapt your standards to those people who are actually invested in you.
- JSJay Shetty
It's so true, and I feel like what I'm thinking people are gonna say is, "Well, why do I have to
- 29:16 – 30:52
Is It Ever Okay to Ghost?
- JSJay Shetty
settle?"
- SKSadia Khan
If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high, and what I mean by that is I sometimes will meet men who are in their m- maybe in their 40s, on their second divorce, and saying, "I don't want a woman with baggage, so I need somebody 25 years old. I don't want wo- women with baggage." Or sometimes I'll meet women who are, you know, not working, and they say, "I want a man that's an entrepreneur and got s- six figures." It... But I always just say, "Shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you?" And if similar to you starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to the table and what you're receiving, if you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much. But if you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your self-worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit. So ask yourself, uh, does similarity feel like settling? If it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves to be able to access people that we're actually craving.
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. It's, so much of what you're talking about is just having awareness and honesty.
- SKSadia Khan
I know. I-
- JSJay Shetty
Like, there's such a need to be honest with ourselves.
- SKSadia Khan
With u- and it's harder, it's getting harder to become honest with ourselves, because we are bombarded with advice from TikToks and advice from, you know, people that are giving advice about never settle, you're somebody's dream girl, or this is a high-value woman. So we think that if we get anything less than what our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling, when really, if, as long as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible.
- JSJay Shetty
I mean, so many people on dating apps these days-Their common experience is being ghosted.
- LGLori Gottlieb
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
And I'm sure you've heard-
- LGLori Gottlieb
Yeah. [laughs]
- JSJay Shetty
... from a million people-
- LGLori Gottlieb
Yeah
- JSJay Shetty
... about feeling like, "Hey, we were having a good chat-
- LGLori Gottlieb
Mm-hmm
- JSJay Shetty
... and this person just disappeared."
- LGLori Gottlieb
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
What would be your advice to someone who feels
- 30:52 – 32:47
The Power of Being Honest About What You Want
- JSJay Shetty
like they've got ghosted?
- LGLori Gottlieb
I, I would say try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, in the digital world, people, uh, see each other as disposable, and there's very minimal investment, so they don't always feel like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're ghosting, it's either they've met alternatives, or they might have just been on the app to buy some time b- to heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner. They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind of, uh, recover from some kind of stress that they're going through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you, try not to take it too personal. But if you've been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great at communicating, so try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well.
- JSJay Shetty
Sadia reminds us it's not about attracting the right person, but having the self-esteem to stop entertaining the wrong ones. If someone leaves you anxious, that's not chemistry, it's immaturity. If similarity feels like settling, your standards may be shaped by comparison culture. And if someone ghosts you, it's poor communication. Reason enough to walk away. In the end, who you choose to entertain shapes the quality of your relationships. Build your self-esteem, use your agency, and invest in those who truly value you. Finally, therapist and author Lori Gottlieb shows us how to face the hardest moments in dating, speaking your truth, knowing when to stay, and having the courage to leave. Being honest about what you want isn't needy, it's brave. Yet 60% of people admit staying in relationships longer than they should, while only 6% leave too soon. Avoiding honesty isn't kindness, it's avoidance. The key to transformation in love isn't fixing someone else, it's growing yourself.
- LGLori Gottlieb
Lots of people will say,
- 32:47 – 39:13
Your Present Habits Reveal Your Relationship’s Future
- LGLori Gottlieb
"Oh, you know, I know... I think my o- the person that I'm dating is also dating other people. I would like to not date other people, but I'm afraid that I'll appear too needy too early," right? As opposed to just being honest about what you want. They can say yes or no. But to be clear about, "Look, we're, we're dating. I don't feel comfortable with... I, I can't really feel like I can get close to you if I know that you're dating other people at this point, 'cause we're spending a lot of time together. So how do you feel about this? Are you ready to be in an exclusive relationship? Is that of interest to you?" If they say no, wow, great, you've learned a lot.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm.
- LGLori Gottlieb
Um, you can make a choice, like, "I'm comfortable doing this for another month," or, "I'm not," or, you know, whatever it is. Um, or they can say, "Oh, I didn't know that that was important to you, and I would like that, too. Let's do that," or, "I'm not ready to do that."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- LGLori Gottlieb
So people do this in all kinds of situations. It's not just about marriage. They're so afraid to just bring their true selves into the kind of relationship where the, the whole game here is bringing your true self to it. So if you can't practice that at, at any point in the relationship, you're not ready to be together for the long term. You can't just say, "Oh, now that we're engaged, now I can bring my true self."
- JSJay Shetty
Yeah. [laughs]
- LGLori Gottlieb
Well, that's a recipe for disaster, because now it's like you've misrepresented what you actually want and need in a relationship, and maybe the other person has misinterpreted what you want and need because you haven't expressed it.
- JSJay Shetty
But we're so... It's... I, I'm fully with you. I just find that we're so... It's so hardwired in us, like we're so scared of rejection.
- LGLori Gottlieb
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
How do you feel about those shows? And yes, they're entertaining, and yes, we love to get into all the gossip and what's going on and everything. How, how is that affecting our views and our own relationships?
- LGLori Gottlieb
Yeah. I haven't actually seen those shows, but many of my therapy clients talk about them.
- JSJay Shetty
You know, finding love is just such a important pillar of human happiness and connection that it breaks my heart when, when I see that we're tripping ourselves up.
- LGLori Gottlieb
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
And when I asked my community what was one of the things that they think trips them up, it was this idea that they have now coined future tripping, this idea of planning the future in their head, visioning a future with this person. When things are looking okay or good, in their head they're, you know, in the most extreme cases, imagining their wedding day or what their kids might look like. But even in the immediate sense, like, "This could be it. This is amazing. This is gonna last." And then all of a sudden they get a reality check where that person is not really mirroring that back.
- LGLori Gottlieb
Mm-hmm.
- JSJay Shetty
How do we stop ourselves from future tripping, or is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person? Is there a collective, collaborative future tripping? Like, what, what does that look like?
- LGLori Gottlieb
I think the future tripping is being in the present, and what I mean is what's happening now is what it's gonna look like in the future. So instead of imagining, "Oh, this person will change in this way," or, "This, this- we're gonna have this kind of life," but you don't know if the other person wants that kind of life. If you're not talking about it now in the present, you don't know. How did th- how does this person treat me now? What is it like when we're together? The biggest indicator would be we had a disagreement, how did we get through it? That's what your future is going to look like. We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other. We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair. Everybody's gonna have ruptures. You have it with your family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents, with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture with them, because we're so in love and we see each other and we see eye to eye. But of course you're gonna have ruptures. It's not so much whether you're gonna have a rupture, it's what do you do with it and what does it look like? So if you have been dating for, let's say, six months, and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior. You have to be able to be yourselves. That's gonna tell you what the future looks like. So stop the pretending, be yourself, be what you want your future to look like, act like you want your future to look like, see how the other person acts, and see what happens between the two of you.
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- LGLori Gottlieb
And a repair would look like something like, "Oh, I didn't... You know, we're having a disagreement right now. Why don't we take 15 minutes and let's come back when we're not so heated, and let's talk about that." Or you know you made a mistake. Um, "You know what? I've been thinking about this." You know, say you have an argument and you say, "We're not gonna talk for a few minutes. Let's go cool off," whatever. Um-You call them back and you say, "You know what? I thought about it. I was wrong, and I'm so sorry. Here's what I did, and I wish I had done it this way."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- LGLori Gottlieb
And that's great if your partner can do that or if you can do that, right? And then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you, if your partner can say, "I really appreciate that, and I wish that I had reacted differently in this way."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm.
- LGLori Gottlieb
"And how can I be more supportive in those moments?" That's beautiful. That's your future. But you have to see it in the present. You can't imagine what the future's gonna be. You have to actually live it in the present and say, "Oh, now I know it's gonna be just like it is right now."
- JSJay Shetty
Mm-hmm. Yeah, and, and like you're saying, like, if you are making plans in your head, but you're uncomfortable to talk about those plans, then they only exist in your head.
- LGLori Gottlieb
Yeah.
- JSJay Shetty
Like, they aren't real. They aren't, they aren't going there. [whoosh] The takeaway: your needs in dating are valid, your truth is enough, and your growth will either deepen the connection or free you for something better. Dating isn't just about swiping or waiting for luck. It's about presence, clarity, and self-worth. Here's what we heard today that I want you to remember. You can't attract the right person until you get to know yourself. You can't receive what you want until you learn to ask for it. You will attract what you're willing to entertain, and real chemistry comes from honesty, openness, and courage. Whether you're just putting yourself back out there or actively dating, remember, love isn't found. It's created, and you're worthy of creating it. [upbeat music] If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
- SPSpeaker
People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life
Episode duration: 39:13
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