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You're Not Stuck With Your Personality (Here’s How to Rewire It Today)

Do you ever feel like who you are is holding you back? Can you really change your personality — or are you stuck with it for life? Today, Jay sits down with award-winning journalist and author Olga Khazan, whose groundbreaking book Me But Better explores the science of personality change. As a staff writer at The Atlantic, Olga has spent years investigating what shapes who we are — and whether it’s possible to become more confident, resilient, and fulfilled by intentionally shifting our traits. Jay and Olga explore the surprising research showing that personality isn’t fixed — and that with consistent effort, anyone can become a different version of themselves. Olga shares how she transformed traits like anxiety and self-doubt by applying science-backed tools and testing them in her own life. They dive deep into how habits shape identity, why a strong “why” is essential for lasting change, and how the traits we envy in others might point us toward who we’re meant to become. They also unpack the difference between being “authentic” and being stuck — and why growth often looks like discomfort before it feels natural. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to Change Personality Traits You’ve Had for Years How to Shift from Anxiety to Emotional Balance How to Use Habits to Redefine Who You Are How to Identify the Traits That Align with Your Goals How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Becoming Cold How to Make Growth Feel Authentic — Not Fake True change doesn’t come from pretending to be someone else — it comes from becoming the person you were always capable of being. This episode is a powerful reminder that you’re not stuck. With intention, action, and the right mindset, you can grow into someone new. With love and gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Introduction 02:08 Key Takeaways From Olga 03:03 Frustration As A Block 05:22 Research Says We Can Change Our Personality Traits 07:30 Why Do We Get So Stuck? 09:46 Is Personality Change Age Exclusive? 11:47 How Can We Change Our Personality? 17:34 Changing Habits Vs Personality Traits 24:31 How Long Does It Take To Change Personality Traits? 35:09 Gender Effects On Personality Traits 37:36 5 Personality Traits That Make Up Personality 41:35 Feeding Motivation For Change 51:46 How Can We Be More Extroverted? 54:04 Exposure Therapy For Introverts 56:56 How Personality Changes Affects The People Around Us 01:01:43 The Social Investment Theory 01:03:15 How Does The SIT Affect Relationships? 01:06:45 From Pessimism To Optimism 01:09:31 How People Pleasers Can Create Healthy Boundaries 01:14:35 Can Introverts Become Extroverts? 01:18:24 Can People With Depression & ADHD Change Their Personality? 01:21:25 Olga On Final Five Episode Resources: https://www.instagram.com/olganator https://x.com/olgakhazan https://www.linkedin.com/in/olga-khazan-5066537/ https://www.facebook.com/olga.khazan.writing/ https://www.instagram.com/jayshetty https://www.facebook.com/jayshetty/ https://x.com/jayshetty https://www.linkedin.com/in/shettyjay/ https://www.youtube.com/@JayShettyPodcast http://jayshetty.me

Olga Khazanguest
Jul 27, 20251h 24mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Personality isn’t fixed: use habits, purpose, and practice to change

  1. Personality is defined as the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that come most naturally, and research suggests traits are changeable through sustained, intentional behavior shifts.
  2. Olga links her own unhappiness to high neuroticism, showing how minor frustrations can spiral into negative narratives—and how reducing that trait improved wellbeing.
  3. The episode frames change as values-driven (for yourself, not to please others) and offers ways to identify target traits via Big Five (OCEAN) scores, values, or “envy as study.”
  4. Trait change is portrayed as skill-building over time: habits can become identity, and “free traits” let you temporarily adopt behaviors (e.g., “put on extroversion”) without redefining who you are.
  5. Concrete interventions include mindfulness/MBSR to reduce neuroticism, structured exposure for social confidence, and systems/visualization to build conscientiousness—plus caution that you can’t force a partner to change without their buy-in.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Personality is flexible enough to be trained, not a life sentence.

Khazan argues that while traits are partly genetic (~40–60% heritable), outcomes depend on gene–environment interaction and personal choices; consistent changes in response patterns can shift traits.

Target a trait by connecting it to your values and goals—not social pressure.

They emphasize changing to “please yourself” and achieve desired outcomes (career growth, community, wellbeing), rather than contorting yourself to satisfy others’ preferences.

Use diagnostics and self-reflection to pick the right trait to work on.

Options include taking a Big Five assessment, mapping traits to goals (e.g., leadership needs social/assertive skills), and noticing who you envy to identify traits you genuinely want to develop.

Habits can become traits when repetition turns behavior into identity.

The conversation distinguishes “doing” from “being”: some routines stay as habits (e.g., brushing teeth), but repeated, meaningful practices can integrate into self-concept and start to feel natural.

Reduce neuroticism by interrupting the ‘second arrow’ of self-blame.

MBSR/mindfulness helped Khazan see she could acknowledge a setback without adding extra suffering (“double arrow”); this shift increased self-compassion and reduced depressive/anxious spirals.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

People think that you were born with your personality and you're just stuck with it, but just because you've always been a certain way doesn't mean you have to stay that way.

— Olga Khazan

So you can actually fake it until you make it. Once you do your habits often enough, they will become part of your personality, and it won't feel fake anymore. It'll feel like it's part of your identity.

— Olga Khazan

I don't know that, like, we have necessarily a genuine, consistent, authentic self that we need to, like, preserve at all costs.

— Olga Khazan

You don't get any extra points in life from having two arrow injuries.

— Olga Khazan

All you have to do is talk to people.

— Olga Khazan

Big Five (OCEAN) personality traitsHeritability vs environment and choicesNeuroticism, anxiety/depression, and self-blame spiralsHabits vs traits vs identity formationExtroversion practice and exposure therapy via repeated social settingsMotivation: “why,” accountability partners, episodic future thinkingRelationships: authenticity, boundaries, and limits of changing othersSocial Investment Theory (roles shaping traits over time)Personality-trait approaches to depression/ADHD (MBSR, tools, therapy)

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