Being Nice Won’t Save You in Difficult Conversations

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Stop being nice at the expense of being real (core premise)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      I firmly believe somebody needs to hear this. Stop being nice at the expense of being real. It is after 8:00 PM Central Standard Time in Texas. My kids are asleep. My wife is in the living room, and it is Jefferson After Dark, ladies and gentlemen, and I am about to go on a topic I'm very excited about, and that is to stop playing nice. You ready? Let's go. [upbeat music] Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where

2. 0:30 – 1:02

   Podcast mission and sponsor setup (quick housekeeping)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tips to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to please find the button that says Subscribe, wherever you're listening to, and click it, and it is a promise by me in exchange for that. And that, that promise is that I'm going to make you a better communicator. And if you subscribe to this podcast and listen to these episodes, I promise to make you a better communicator. Thank you. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. My favorite

3. 1:02 – 2:03

   Sponsor: Cozy Earth (bedding and comfort pitch)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:02

      thing that I have probably in my house, without a doubt right now, are my bedsheets. Like, after this episode, I'm gonna be going to bed, and you know what sheets are on my bed? That's right, Cozy Earth. And I know you might be saying, "Well, Jefferson, they're a sponsor." Let me tell you, I liked them before they were a sponsor. That's why they are a sponsor, because these things keep me nice and cool. And I did not know at this age of my life that bedsheets were gonna mean that much to me. Now, Cozy Earth has lots of awesome things. They have lots of pretty much anything you can think of soft. Their, their bath towels, um, their sweatshirts, their hoodies, their pants. There's all kinds of stuff that's fantastic. But I right now really are ... I'm digging the bedsheets. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson and get 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson. Use the code Jefferson to get 40% off. Their trial period, their money-back guarantee, fantastic. You need to go try it. Cozyearth.com. I

4. 2:03 – 4:34

   Why “nice” gets steamrolled: people-pleasing and over-agreeing

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:03

      get so worked up. Really, I get, I get worked up when I think of how many people just play nice. In this episode, I'm gonna go into three main boxes for you. One, we're gonna talk about why nice gets steamrolled, why you f- ... You might be somebody right now going, "You know what? I feel like I'm a nice person." And yet you feel like you're giving everything away. We're gonna talk about that. And if that hasn't connected with you yet, I'm gonna talk about some things that you're gonna go, "Ah, yep, that's me." Two, I'm going to go into the differences of nice versus kind. Nice versus kind. There are major differences that you probably never thought about, that after listening you're going to know about. And number three, I'm going to give you some tools as to how to at the same time stand your ground while being nice and being kind and, and m- meshing these together rather than feeling like you, one is a s- a zero-sum game where you're always giving one over the other. You ready? Playing nice gets you steamrolled. What do I mean by that? You know what it's like to be the person that goes, "Oh, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. No, no, no, really, no, I ... It's, it's, it's just fine. Don't worry," when somebody gives you an extra assignment. Your boss gives you something that you did not want to do, or somebody says, "Oh, hey, uh, can you grab that?" And you're like, "Oh, yeah, sure. I guess, uh, oh, that's fine." "Oh, hey, do you have time to go pick up my whatever?" And you really don't, but you go, "Um, yeah, yeah, why not? Y- you know, I, I can definitely do that." And you just what? You people please constantly. You are just being nice to everybody, and everybody says, "You know what? That so-and-so, they're so nice. They're just so nice." And then they go on about their day, and you know what they do? They use you. Whether you love them, whether you find them to be a stranger, they still, in some sense, you're giving a part of yourself away. I'm not saying don't be of service. I'm absolutely saying have a servant's heart. I'm not saying that you should be less of yourself. Not at all. What we're gonna be doing and what you're gonna learn at the end of today's episode is how to feel more of yourself all the more. There's a, there's a way to be able to blend these, to understand these, to make sure that you're not in this ... sitting in this driver's seat and all you see out the, the, the, the front windshield is just you have to play nice wherever you go. Because in reality, you're, you're not gonna feel safe. Nice gets you steamrolled. Have you ever been the person who always

5. 4:34 – 5:04

   The hidden trap: niceness as surface-level behavior

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:34

      goes out of their way? Always the one that seems to go the extra mile? You always are the person that, what, inconveniences yourself. You inconvenience yourself to where people go, "You know what? I don't really wanna do it. Ask so-and-so. They'll do it. They always say yes." Are you nodding your head right now? Might be. Or maybe you know somebody who is. Nice gets you steamrolled. Why? Because nice is surface. That leads us to number two. I wanna

6. 5:04 – 7:38

   Nice vs. kind: definitions, roots, and what each optimizes for

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:04

      talk about nice versus kind. You might be saying, "Jefferson, they seem a lot like the, the same thing." I understand that, and I get that, so I don't want you feeling like that's a bad thought. It's, it's not whatsoever. Let me clarify some things. Nice, right, is a word that originally meant to be ignorant, all right, from its Latin roots and how it was used. Somebody who was just naive. And then it began to be used as somebody who was pleasant or polite, right? That's where we get the people-pleasing. Somebody who's polite. It's socially acceptable. They have custom usage that is kind. Uh, not kind, but somebody is ... Oh, yeah, I mean, kind is a cynamon- synonym, synonym of nice. So there's, there is certainly a tie there, but nice is very different. Nice is surface. There's no depth. Nice is concerned about appearance. Nice is concerned about appearance. It is surface. There is not depth. If you want to describe somebody who you loved a lot or meant the world to you, would you use the word nice? No. No, there are so many deeper, meaningful words to use for somebody that matters a lot to you. Nice is reserved for those people that pass, uh, you in, at the workplace, the, the acquaintances, the f- the, the, the smaller level of friends, that friend group that's, you know, "They're, they're nice. He's, he's a nice person. She's nice. He's nice. They, they say nice things to me," that's really what I mean. But you wouldn't use the word nice to describe a loved one, your parents, a sibling, your spouse, your kids. Yeah, you know, "Oh, my son, he's nice." You wouldn't say that. Why? Nice is not for depth. It is for surface. It is concerned about appearance. Kind, very different. Kind is all about depth. It is intentional. Kindness originally came from kin. That is to be someone who's family or of the, the same type. In other words, we will be as one. There is connection with the word

7. 7:38 – 8:39

   Examples: compliments vs. hard truths (why kindness can feel ‘not nice’)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:38

      kind. Let me give you an example, quick example. Somebody who is nice says, "You know what? I, I really like the pair of socks that you have on. That's ... I think those are so great." And you go, "You know what? They're a really nice person. They said something very polite and pleasing to my ears." Kind says, "I need to tell you something because it's really been on my heart," and they deliver some type of bad news. That's kind. Even if it's not termed as nice, it is kind. And you hear that there's connection in that. "There's something I need to tell you. It's been, it's really been on my heart. It's been weighing on me. I can't do this any longer. This is something that doesn't work for me. This is something I have to do. This is something that is right for me." You hear how there is connection in kindness. So what is that? Stop playing nice

8. 8:39 – 10:13

   Harmony vs. honesty—and the ‘hollow tree’ warning about emotional corrosion

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:39

      at the expense of playing real. Nice is harmony. Kindness is honesty. There is ... And I don't want to say that as in you, you can't be nice and honest. I just mean a deeper level, and I know you can hear that, that nice is concerned about keeping the harmony. That's, that's really what I mean. Nice does not necessarily mean keeping the honesty 'cause most of the time people don't say what is true because it doesn't feel nice. "I don't want to say that to them. That's not nice." You ever thought that? I have. "I don't want to say that. That, that didn't, that wouldn't be nice." But is it honest? Yes. Is it real? Yes. Then say that thing because it will eventually make you hollow. It'll be, it'll be- make you hollow. There are ... In, in my part of Texas, we have trees, and of course if you listen to this podcast, you know I love trees, and what they do as they die over time is they most, mostly they die from the inside out. You would never know. You'd never know. It looks like a fine tree for years, and all of a sudden pieces of it would just start to fall off, limb after limb after limb, and then slowly just starts to cut down because the inside is hollow. How many of you listening right now truly just take a breath with me for a second [inhales] and just ask yourself, examine yourself, do you feel hollow inside?

9. 10:13 – 11:44

   Sponsor: Monarch Money (financial tracking pitch)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher10:13

      Because you are using words that sound nice but are not sustaining you inside because you're not being real with yourself. You're not being authentic. You're playing nice at the expense of being real. This is where you stop it. This is where you stop it, and I'm going to help you. Before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Monarch Money. Now, there are a lot of us out there that if I were to ask you, "How much money do you have in your account?" or, "How many accounts do you have?" or what all their amounts are at any given time, you might just shrug. I mean, you might have a savings account here, maybe some retirement, maybe some checking account. But everything's kind of just a mess. Well, that's why I really like Monarch Money. It keeps everything all together in one place. No messy spreadsheets. It looks good. Uh, it's something that just at one glance you can see everything, making it way easier to manage your money just in one place rather than trying to use five different apps. It always keeps everything up to date, in sync, and in fact, gives you even more in sync peace of mind. So don't let financial opportunity slip through the cracks. Go into your browser, type monarchmoney.com/jefferson and get half off your first year. That's monarchmoney.com/jefferson for 50% off your first year. And now back to the episode. Number three, I'm gonna give you some phrases that

10. 11:44 – 13:16

    Tools start here: you can be nice and still disagree or refuse

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:44

       are going to help you communicate past this playing nice. That doesn't mean it doesn't have to sound nice. In fact, you know what? Sometimes it doesn't sound nice, and that's okay. Listen, I can be nice and still disagree with you. Mm. Man, I, I, I don't know what it is about nighttime, guys, but I am, I'm feeling it. [laughs] I'm feeling it right now. I'm, I feel very passionate about this topic. I can be nice to you and disagree. I can be nice to you and not do anything of what you want me to do. I can be nice and sound nice and do exactly what I want. I can sound nice and still stand my ground. In fact, sometimes I may not want to sound nice. And it, maybe it needs to sound assertive to a point of knowing I'm not somebody who is going to be pushed around or messed with. Nice is something that usually has to do with tone. Tone. It's a nice tone. So what do we know? You know from the many episodes I've had of when you wanna sound calm, assertive, controlled, the same thing we talk about in the whole first section of my book, The Next Conversation: Say It With Control, we talk about tone. Well, nice is a tone. It's surface, right? It's concerned about appearance, how things sound, look, taste, smell. So if I wanna be assertive and say something strong, I can still say, "No." I can still be nice and sound

11. 13:16 – 13:46

    Boundary phrases that stay respectful: ‘That doesn’t work for me’ and more

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:16

       nice and say, "No." I can sound nice and say, "That doesn't work for me." I can still sound nice and say, "Nope. I prefer not." I can still sound nice and say, "If you continue to talk to me that way, this is the end of the conversation." I can still sound nice and say, "That's not something I'm comfortable with." Don't be afraid of other people's emotions. They are just emotions like yours. You think they're afraid of your emotions? They're

12. 13:46 – 14:48

    How to disagree without people-pleasing: acknowledge, then stand firm

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:46

       not. So don't be afraid of theirs. Nice versus kind. Kindness is always so much deeper. So what are the phrases that we just talked about? Here it is. This understanding of, "I hear you. Something different comes up for me," or, "I understand. That's helpful to know. Thank you for sharing that with me. I see things differently. I can see that. I have a different take on it." You hear how I am still sounding kind and still sounding nice and still standing my ground? I'm not trying to people please in some sense. So when somebody asks you to do something and you are on the edge of going, "Ah, I feel like I, I really don't want to. I don't wanna go, but I, I, I feel like I don't wanna people

13. 14:48 – 17:21

    Say no with clarity: trust your gut, lead with ‘no,’ skip the excuses

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:48

       please," and you're in this tough spot of how do I, how do I balance that? The first is to understand your gut's already telling you the answer, and that gut says no. If you're listening to this and you already have th- something you're thinking about and you're like, "Ah, I really wanna say no to this and I don't know how," that's your gut telling you no. Do not do it. Whatever you're thinking of right now, listen to me or watch me. Do not do it. Just take a breath and understand that decision has already been decided. It's there. Now we're going to simply control how we say it, how we talk about it. So when it comes to saying no with people, and we've talked about this in other episodes a- as well, no or no thank you is the first thing that needs to come out of your mouth. Not say, "Oh, I really wish I could," or, "You know, I, I, you know, I'm just so busy and, you know, things are just so stressful now." You sound... That's sounding nice. You, you're just... That's surface. You're only trying to sound nice. Stop doing it. No needs to have no excuses, no justifications. Not, "No, because, you know, I've just been doing this thing and, you know, I'm really, really working, you know, hard on my..." You hear how that's sounding nice? Stop. You've already made the decision. You and I have already talked about that. No is gonna be the first thing that's gonna be out of your mouth. "No, thank you. I can't make it. I can't do it. Not this time." Whatever it is, the no, the, the decline needs to occur first. Needs to occur first. There's not gonna be... I'm not gonna allow you to have some kind of justification to it. Justifications typically are over nice. I'm not saying that if this person is somebody that you have an actual relationship with that you can't give them a, "I can't. I gotta go pick up the kids." You know what I mean? "I, I can't." Uh, there's... You have a legitimate reason that's short and this is a friend who understands. But if this is somebody at work and you're like, "Ah, you know, I, I really wish I could. I would love to, but, you know, I'm just so busy lately," that's sounding nice. So every time you start coming up with these things that you're wanting to go down that line, just remember what I'm telling you. That is just for sounding nice. That is surface level. That is playing nice at the expense of being real. So I would much rather

14. 17:21 – 20:33

    Stronger openers: ‘I need to be real with you’ + priorities, then close

    1. JFJefferson Fisher17:21

       you say, "I'm going to..." Like, this is me, Enter, new paragraph, Tab. All right? I'd much rather you say, "I need to be real with you. That's not something I can do. I need to be real with you. I need to be real with you." This is me. Well, I, I, I know you can't... If you're listening to me, you don't know. I'm using my hands to show, like you insert the sentence. Begin your sentence with, "I'm going to be real with you. I need to be real with you. I'm going to be real with you. I need to be real with you. I need to be transparent with you. I'm going to be honest with you." Those are, those are much stronger, much stronger than trying to just sound nice for the sake of sounding nice. Please stop people pleasing. What I say is it's okay to please people as long as you're one of them. As long as you're one of them. [sighs] Nice gets you steamrolled. Stop playing nice. Stop being nice at the expense of being real. It's not authentic, and it's, it is corrosive. It will, it will deaden you from the inside. Out. So begin with the no, the negative first. It makes everything else easier. Don't give the justifications unless they ask for them and it's somebody who actually matters to you. If it's not somebody, then they don't need to have a reason. If they ask you and go, "Oh, well, why can't you?" Say, "I'm, I'm not. Not this time." Or here's another one I like is, "I'm making a promise to myself and my priorities." That's it. That's all you have to say. Find these things. I, I have tons of resources out there on what's gonna best help mold you to your specific context. A lot of people use my AI for that, how they can apply this to their particular need, and that's how we, we build these sentences to help you. Once you agree that you're going to have the feeling and make the decision, "I am not going to do this," or, "I am going to do this," once that decision is made, do not move it. It is now, it is now creating the how. How are you going to deliver that statement? And we're not gonna do it in a way that just sounds nice for the sake of sounding nice, 'cause you and I both know that ends up making you feel empty. Mm. Jefferson After Dark. Who would've thought? All right. Today, we talked about how being nice is eating you alive, how nice is different from being kind, very different, though at the same time can be related, and three, we talked about some tools and some ways to think about wording sentences that say, "I'm gonna be honest with you, that's not gonna work for me. I'm gonna be real with you, that's not gonna work for me." Those are just easy, easy, like beginner level ways of starting your sentences that's gonna make it stronger. Because you can be nice and sound nice and absolutely still stand your ground. All right. Go out there. Use your words for good. As always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 20:33