Dealing with Insincere Apologies? Here's How to Respond

1. 0:00 – 1:00

   Why “bad apologies” are so frustrating—and what this episode will fix

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Today we're talking about bad apologies. These are the ones that walk like an apology, they talk like an apology, but they're far from it. How do you react and what do you say? All that and more coming up. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm going to ask you to follow this podcast and please leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions or questions, just throw them in the comments. When someone gives you a bad apology, it's one of the most frustrating experiences because you want them to apologize, and they know that you want them to apologize, and they know that they could. They could say the words, and they might know deep down that they should, but they won't for lots of reasons. Maybe this person has narcissistic tendencies. Maybe this person has a very defensive behavior at the moment. And let's be honest, there's times where I just don't feel like apologizing right now. Maybe I will,

2. 1:00 – 2:01

   The usual two reactions (accept vs. escalate) and the better third option

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:00

      but I don't feel like it in the moment, and maybe that's the same way with that other person. How do you handle a bad apology? There's two choices. You could either accept it or choose not to accept it. Too often, there's the tendency to accept that apology and just move on. Just life goes on, you're gonna accept it, be done with it, and get over it. Or you're not going to accept it and escalate the situation. You're gonna say more things like, "You don't even care about my feelings. Whatever. I'm out." Y- The fight or flight's gonna kick in. You're gonna say things that are more harmful and hurtful, or you're gonna wanna shut down and hang up the phone or leave the room. So it's these choices that I'm gonna ask you to set aside and choose a different option. There's a third option, and that is to assertively stand your ground and ask for what is yours, and that is an apology if they're willing to give it. Some people aren't. But we're gonna talk about that of, that state of mind that you go into to understand, "I hear what you're saying,

3. 2:01 – 3:02

   Bad apology type #1: the “no-apology apology” (‘Sorry you feel that way’)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:01

      and that's not a genuine apology. Here is what I'm willing to accept." One of the most common culprits of bad apologies is, number one, the no apology apology. These are the type that say, "Well, I'm sorry if you feel that way." Ever heard somebody tell you that? "I'm sorry you feel that way." And you're left standing there going, "What? How do I respond to this?" I'm gonna tell you how. When somebody says, "I'm sorry that you feel that way," you're going to respond, "Don't apologize for my feelings. Apologize for what you said." I'm gonna say that again. The next time that somebody says, "I'll, I'm sorry you feel that way." Yep. "Hey, Jefferson. Well, I'm sorry you feel that way." They tell you that, you're not gonna accept it, and you're not gonna escalate the situation. You're going to calmly respond, "Don't apologize for my feelings. Apologize for what you said." Here what you're saying is, "Don't apologize for my feelings. I got those. These are my feelings, and nobody needs to apologize

4. 3:02 – 3:32

   How to deliver the redirect with calm authority (without escalating)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:02

      for how I feel, let alone the person who has caused me harm or made the error." It should be your action that you're apologizing for. So you're calling them out and saying, "No, I need, I need you to take some accountability for what you said." And you say it in a way that says, "No, I, I kind of... I appreciate the thought. You don't need to apologize for my feelings. I need you to apologize for what you did, for what you said, for whatever it is." You're flipping the dynamic. That takes away the power of their bad apology. Another

5. 3:32 – 4:33

   Bad apology type #2: the justification apology (‘I’m sorry, I’ve been stressed’)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:32

      very popular apology is the justification apology. This is where they blame what they did on something else. Maybe it's stress related to work. Maybe it's something else going in their life. And you typically hear it like this. This is number two. "I'm sorry I, I've just been so stressed lately. I'm sorry I've just been so under the gun. I'm sorry I've just been X, Y, and Z." Whenever you hear that, "I'm sorry I just," and they're shifting the responsibility of what they did or what they said to you onto some third party, some external factor. When you hear that, you're going to, one, listen and calmly say, "You don't need to apologize for your stress, but you do need to apologize for what you said to me. I need you to apologize for what you did." You see how you flip that dynamic? Instead of getting more upset and saying, "What, what are you talking about? You haven't been stressed. Stressed? How about you live, you know, walk a mile in my shoes and see how stressed I am," and you start comparing who's busiest, and it goes south really quickly. So whenever they blame something, it's often stress. Say, "I'm sorry I've just been so

6. 4:33 – 5:03

   Keeping the conversation on track: apology required to continue

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:33

      stressed lately. I've, I've just been so overwhelmed." Whenever you hear that, you sound a lot more calm and controlled when you say, "You don't need to apologize for your stress. You don't need to apologize for, for the week that you've had." As if it's an, in an understanding way to say, "Yeah, I get it. I'm not, I'm not trying to doubt, I'm not trying to debate that you've had a hard week or that you've been stressed." Because if you start to challenge that, it's gonna spiral down, and it's not gonna go well. Instead, you're just going to acknowledge it. Say, "Yeah, I, I understand. I...

7. 5:03 – 7:04

   Bad apology type #3: conditional apologies (‘I’m sorry if you were offended’)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:03

      You don't need to apologize for your stress. I need you to apologize for what you just said. If you want this conversation to continue, I'm gonna need you to apologize for what you just said unless you meant it. And if you did, then we need to have a, a more serious conversation." See what I mean? A lot stronger. And number three, another big major category of bad apologies are conditional ones. These are the ones that say, "I'm sorry if. I'm sorry if you were offended by that. I'm sorry if you didn't like what I had to say." You've heard that before? I know that I certainly have. Uh, as you can imagine between attorneys and phone calls and judges and hearings, there are a lot of bad, disingenuous apologies that get thrown around, especially right after saying something that's very inappropriate or impolite at the moment. So if you hear the phrase, "I'm sorry if you," "I'm sorry if you were offended. I'm sorry if you didn't like what I had to say," you're going to go back to what we talked about in number one and calmly and coolly say, "You don't need to apologize for my reaction. I need you to apologize for what you just said." See how you sound much more assertive, how you're leaning into it? See, most of the time if they say, "Well, I'm sorry if you were offended," you go into, "Well, I mean, I wasn't, I wasn't really offended," and you start trying to justify your, your feelings. You start trying to explain to them your feelings of how you meant in that moment, and what they said, and what they said meant to you. So often you can eliminate that altogether and flip the dynamic to saying, "You don't need to apologize for my reaction." Kinda like number one. "I got that. That's, that's my reaction. I need you to apologize for what you just said." Or if they say, "Well, I'm sorry if you were upset," you can respond with, "It's not an if, it's a that." You hear me? It's not a if, it's a that. It's a quick way to tell them, it's not... There's no if here. It's not, "I'm sorry if I hurt you," it's, "I'm sorry that..." See the difference? Good. Now, almost

8. 7:04 – 8:04

   The giveaway: ‘I’m sorry that you…’ vs. ‘I’m sorry that I…’

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:04

      every bad apology has a giveaway. You ready for it? Has a dead giveaway that you can tell right away it's not a good apology. They say, "I'm sorry that you..." or, "I'm sorry if you..." They rarely, by a few exceptions, will say, "I'm sorry that I..." The good apologies typically begin with, "I'm sorry that I... I'm sorry that I said that." They will take responsibility because they're using the word I. The ones that throw it back to say, "I'm sorry that you," no. That's never going to go well in any circumstance, so you need to watch out for the case that when they say, "I'm sorry that you, I'm sorry that you feel that way, I'm sorry that you were upset by that, I'm sorry that, uh, you can't take a joke," it's never... I'm not gonna say never. It's typically not a good apology. It's a bad one. Okay, we're now at the portion where I get to read a follower's email. If you're not part of my weekly newsletter, I send out a, a

9. 8:04 – 10:06

   Listener email: guilt-flip apologies (‘I’m sorry I’m a bad mom’)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:04

      tip, a communication tip once a week right to your inbox, and I have the ability to interact with you. When you ask questions, ask for certain advice on things, I can give it in my email. It's a whole lot of fun. If you're not part of that group, it's gonna be in the show notes there at the bottom. Uh, here I have it on my, my other phone, and let me pull it up real quick. This is from Maria over in Brazil. Never been to Brazil. Maria says, "Thank you so much for your content." Thanks, Maria. "I have a issue with my mother. It never fails that any time that we're at a family engagement or we are coming to visit her, she always apologizes in a way that says, 'I'm so sorry that I'm a bad mom.' I hear this all the time no matter what I do. 'I'm so sorry that I'm a bad mom.' What can I say to... What can I say to that?" Um, there's other, like, personal information that I don't wanna include. Maria, I'm sorry that you're having to go through that. That is not uncommon for people to... Certain people, that they want to make sure that instead of apologizing, they wanna make you feel bad for them in some way. 'Cause that's what it is. When somebody says, "Oh, I'm sorry that I'm such a terrible person. I'm sorry that you're so perfect," what they're wanting you to do and hoping, what your mother's hoping, uh, or anybody who does this, is hoping that you will say, "Well, I, y- I'm, I'm not so perfect," or, "You're not a bad mom. That's really... You... No, no, you're not a bad mom. You're a really good mom." And, and then they'll say, "Well, you always, you never do this. You never do that. No, you always tell me I'm so terrible." And they start making stuff up. You go, "What are you talking about? I'm, I, I've never done that. I've not said that. That's... You're, you're referencing something that happened a, five years ago." They're wanting to create a, a, a structure to manipulate the situation that has it to where you are the one that apologizes to them. You're the one that needs to say, "I'm sorry." You're the one that needs to owe them something in a way, because they want you to feel bad either about yourself or the way that you've treated them, all to get you to avoid

10. 10:06 – 12:06

    Don’t take the bait: the boundary script ‘I’m willing to accept an apology’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:06

       having to hear them say an apology. So when that happens, when somebody says, "Well, I'm sorry that you're so perfect." Um, or, "I'm, I'm sorry that I'm such a, a bad mom, a bad dad, a bad person," don't take the bait. All right, Maria? Don't take that bait. Just let that go. And only, the only thing I want you to respond with is this: "I'm willing to accept an apology. Mom, I'm willing to accept an apology." Here what you're doing is just letting go what they said, the distraction, the potential manipulation, to say, "I'm gonna put all that aside and I'm gonna tell you what I'm willing to accept. I'm willing to a- accept an apology. I'm willing to accept a genuine apology. That I will accept, and then that, we're gonna be done." It's this mindset of you're just gonna stay still and you're not gonna go chase what everybody else is doing. Sound good? So it... Just understand when that happens, it's very normal. It's very common. It's just ways of trying to get the spotlight off of them and deflect, right? You've heard that. They just wanna deflect responsibility. It's another tactic of doing that. They just wanna send it off to somebody else, and it just happens to be you in the room, so they wanna blame other people for how and why they're acting a, a certain way. So instead you say, "I'm willing to accept an apology." Yeah? And if somebody says, "Well, I did apologize. I... No. I said I'm sorry. I said sorry. There it is. I'm done. I said I'm sorry," that's not a real apology either 'cause they, they don't mean it. So what I like to do when you kinda hear that, all you need to say is, "I'm willing to accept it when it sounds like a real apology. I, I'm willing to accept it when it sounds like you mean it. I'll accept it when it sounds like you mean it." So just understand that when you're saying these phrases of, "I'm willing to accept," or, "I will accept it," you're giving them an out. You're saying, "Hey, you, you can be out of this situation. I'm willing to accept it at any point when it

11. 12:06 – 14:07

    When apologies will never come: what to do instead

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:06

       sounds like a real, genuine apology." And I have to make sure that I tell you some apologies are never going to come. They're not going to happen. It's not your fault. There's noth- no magic phrase. There's n- nothing you can say that's going to make someone apologize. If they don't want to, they won't. You just can't do anything about that, but what you can do is to decide and reprioritize in your mind how important this person is to you. Because if they're not willing to apologize for something that is important to you, then that should be considered in a major way if they truly do care about you and want to be in your life and wanna be the better part of your life. So understand that some apologies aren't going to happen. That doesn't mean that you've done something wrong. That doesn't mean that you're a failer, a failure. It, it doesn't mean that any of the blame should be placed on you. That's just not going to happen for some people for, uh, any number of reasons and any number of contexts, but I, I wanna make sure that I tell you when they refuse to apologize, don't keep digging a hole that you're never gonna find water in. D- don't try to force it when it's just not going to happen. If you need to, you can say, "Hey, is there, is there a chance that we can have another conversation where we can talk about how I need an apology from what just happened?" Maybe if you postpone it in a certain way, 'cause sometimes people don't wanna apologize in the moment to say, you know, "I, I will apologize. I'm not ready to right now." That's valid. That's, that's a, a real feeling, but to totally dismiss you altogether and say, "I'm never apologizing for that. I'm not apologizing. I've done nothing wrong. I'm never gonna apologize," you need to, instead of continuing to force it and pressure and make it look like you're pleading for this apology, what you really just need is, is an acknowledgement that they know what they did. That's

12. 14:07 – 15:55

    Wrap-up: returning to the mindset and repeating the core responses

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:07

       really what you want at the end of the day. You just want them to acknowledge, 'cause apologies often are really for you so that you can understand and hear that they acknowledge what they did and they acknowledge the consequences of it and, uh, those repercussions. So make sure and hold your ground, and if they don't wanna apologize, that's not your fault. Bad apologies are never fun. They're extremely frustrating. It makes you want to just scream out loud sometimes, but instead, we're just gonna keep ourselves calm and cool. And remember, when you hear bad apologies, go back to the mindset of, "Where are they trying to take me, and how can I bring them back to it?" So if somebody says, "Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way," number one, you're going to respond, "You don't need to apologize for my feelings. I need you to apologize for what you said." If they try to make something, number two, that's conditional, to say, "I'm sorry if... I'm sorry if you feel that way," you're gonna go back to number one. "I'm... You don't need to apologize for my reaction. I, I got that. I'll control my reaction. I need you to take accountability for what you did." And if somebody is trying to push off that responsibility altogether, understand that it's okay to just let it go and understand where that person is in your life and how important they are to you. Bad apologies, never fun, but you handle those tips, you get ahold of those tips, take them to heart, you'll be able to do it better next time. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask that you follow this podcast and please leave a review. You can listen to this podcast wherever you listen, maybe it's Spotify, Amazon, it's on YouTube, Apple, any of them, it's in there. And if you have any questions and comments, just throw them in the chat, uh, in the comments there, and I'll be able to listen to them, and I do read them, and I do heart them myself, so they, they, they do matter. And as always, you can try the hat. Now follow me

Episode duration: 15:56