Handling Arguments with Strong Personalities: Communication Strategies

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Defining the challenge: communicating with strong personalities (and book update)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      We all know one, and in fact, we might just be one ourselves. Today's episode is all about how to communicate with and handle a strong personality. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you like improving your communication, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would, leave a review. I'm excited to announce and share that my book, The Next Conversation, is officially out on pre-order. It's a book

2. 0:30 – 1:00

   Rule #1: Don’t sweat the small stuff—refuse every “invitation” to argue

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      that is going to teach you how to say things with control, to say it with confidence, and as always, say it to connect. It's a book that's going to help you change your life one conversation at a time. When it comes to handling that strong personality in your world, number one, don't sweat the small stuff. Don't attend every argument that you're invited to. People that are strong personalities like to make issues of every little thing, and it is up to you whether you take that bait or not. Arguments are often like

3. 1:00 – 1:30

   Rule #2: Don’t take it personally—separate the person from the problem

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:00

      chess. You have to give up some pieces in order to win, so don't sweat the small stuff. Number two, don't take it personally. Don't take it personally. People who have strong personalities often don't know that they're coming on that strong. It's just a product of their nature. So if you take it personally, you are going into the area of no return, where you're gonna find that you are at the bottom of a vortex and you're asking, "Well, how did I even get here?" It's because you took it personally. We're going to talk about how to separate

4. 1:30 – 2:01

   Rule #3: Use respectful “cue” phrases that prompt them to back off

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:30

      the person from the problem. That's why number three, we're gonna give and talk about phrases that help cue the strong personality to back off nicely, respectfully. Uh, cues such as, "Is this something we have to agree on? Is this something we have to agree on?" Or, "Are you asking me to agree with you?" Or, "Do I need to agree with you?" You are letting them know that they are being a little bit too pushy, coming on a little bit too strong, and they need to back off. Just because it's a strong personality

5. 2:01 – 3:02

   Strong doesn’t mean bad: reframing strong personalities as an asset

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:01

      does not mean it's a bad personality. There are plenty of people out there that are wonderful. They just have strong personalities. They come on really strong, and that can happen for any number of issues. Maybe it's part of their nature. It's what they grew up in. I'm in a family of strong personalities. Uh, I'm surrounded by attorneys in the legal world, all very strong personalities. It might be a, a symptom of or a consequence of that's how they control their surroundings. That's how they operate. Again, it's part of their nature. And if you leverage a strong personality, they can do wonderful things. Many successful people are strong personalities, so it is not something... I, I wanna make sure that you understand I am not saying that a strong personality is something negative. It is something that can be highly positive. I'm a strong personality, all right? But it is in these moments where you are having an argument or a conflict or a disagreement that you tend to take that strong personality as something negative. I want you to stay away from that. Strong personalities are something

6. 3:02 – 4:02

   Choosing your “hill”: the Alamo test for what’s worth fighting over

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:02

      that can be very positive and benefit any environment that they're in. I wanna talk more on number one, don't sweat the small stuff. Now, you might say, "Jefferson, that's easier said than done." I know. I know. Now, in my world, my dad would often, when I'd come to y- him with issues, um, and say, "This is what's happening," and I'm, I'm, maybe I'm arguing [laughs] with my mom as a teenager or one of my siblings, my dad would say, "Don't make it your Alamo. Don't make that your Alamo." In other words, is... He was cueing me of this, is this issue really something that you wanna die on? Is this the hill that you wanna die on? Is this what you're gonna s- put your flag in the ground and say, "I'm not moving from this"? Often, that question would make me go, "You know what? Yeah, you're right. That's not, that's not that important." And often, that- that's just part of human nature. We find ways to go, "They're not doing what I want, so I'm gonna argue with them, and now it's their fault." And that often just causes a whole lot of problems in our life that can be avoided if we just don't sweat the small stuff. Maybe it's that moving the couch, you

7. 4:02 – 4:32

   How constant arguing erodes peace (and increases sensitivity over time)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:02

      know, to the other side of the room. Maybe it's a different detergent. Maybe somebody sat in your seat when you just got up. Little things that, in reality, they don't matter. And the more you find that you sweat the small stuff, you sh- you make an argument out of everything and you attend every argument you're invited to, it's gonna slowly erode your peace of mind. You're gonna be more and more sensitive. You're gonna be more and more, um, on attack mode and on the offense all the time, and it's just not worth it. And that goes hand-in-hand with the concept of not

8. 4:32 – 5:33

   Look for the hidden need beneath the push: control, security, confidence

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:32

      taking it personally. When somebody with a strong personality is coming on and wanting their way and pushing, the question that I like to ask myself is, what does this person need? What do they need? What are they needing in this moment? What are they, uh, not just from me, but from the whole context of the conversation? Maybe it's they need to feel like they're secure. Maybe they need to feel like they have confidence. Maybe they need that sense of control. Maybe there is the unknown that they need a few things. There's always some kind of hidden need that is beneath the surface of their personality because w- you and I both know people that have very strong personalities at the same time can be entirely insecure. And so it's that insecurity that is driving and forcing that. So ask the question and find out whether or not where is this push coming from. When we said somebody's a strong personality, it's often because we say it feels like they're pushing in the conversation. They're always pushing their opinion, pushing their point of view and, and there's no neutral territory

9. 5:33 – 6:04

   Stay issue-centered: stop “you always/you never” character warfare

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:33

      for us to talk in. So often you have to separate that person from the problem, meaning instead of saying, "God, you're so pushy. You, you, you, you," talk about their character, "You never listen to me. You always want your way." Instead of the you, you're talking about the problem, meaning you're talking about the issue itself. "Let's get back to the issue at hand. I wanna talk about the issue. Let's talk about what you're needing out of this conversation, what I need out of this conversation," instead of focusing on talking and disparaging each other's character. And the phrases

10. 6:04 – 6:34

    Mirrors, not arrows: why cue questions work

    1. JFJefferson Fisher6:04

       that have always worked for me are what I call cues. I've mentioned that several times in this episode. These are just questions that I ask, and they're really statements that sound like a question, that I'm, I'm using to prompt them to look at themselves. That's the, that's the point. Instead of me pushing something, like using an arrow to shoot at them, I'm using a mirror to get them to listen to themselves. For example, if somebody's strong

11. 6:34 – 7:35

    Agreement and timing: ‘Do we have to agree’ and ‘Do we have to agree now?’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher6:34

       personality's trying to push something onto me, I will use the question, "Is this something we have to agree on? Is this something we have to agree on?" Usually, the answer's no. Almost always the answer is no. They're just talking about it to talk about it. If, by chance, the answer is, "Yes, this is something we have to agree on," I follow that up with, "Well, is this something we need to agree on right now? Is this something we have to agree on now?" That adds the component, component of timing, because often it's not the right time. People with strong personalities push timeframes on you. They want you to have that conversation when they want to have that conversation. That doesn't mean it's right for you. So often you need to have that conversation when you're ready, too. So when you can prompt them by saying, "Is this something we have to agree on now?" almost always the answer to that is no. They're gonna say, "No. I mean, we, we can talk about this later. You're right, we can talk about this later." And nine times out of 10, whatever was so important to that strong personality right there in that moment, in a few hours it's not that important. The next day, totally forgotten.

12. 7:35 – 8:36

    More de-escalation prompts: ‘Do you need me to agree?’ and what to listen for

    1. JFJefferson Fisher7:35

       When you can delay it, not sweat the small stuff, and not take it personally, it takes away the teeth out of it. Some other questions that have helped me in the past is asking them, "Is this something that we need to agree on at this moment?" Uh, I'm asking them, "Do we need to agree on this? Are you asking me to agree to this?" That's what I typically go with. I'll ask, "Do you need me to agree with you? Are you asking me to agree with you? Do I need to agree with you on this?" I'm just pushing that question to them of saying, "Hey, you understand that you're pushing your own opinion. Are you asking me to agree? Do I need to agree with you?" Often the answer is no. Accuse them that they're being a little bit too pushy in the conversation, and they will back off. The answer I typically get is, "No, no, no, no, no, I, you know, I'm just wondering about..." That's what you want. You want that, "No, no, no, no, no. I, I... What I mean to... What I'm just trying to say is..." And it backs them off and lets them know that they're coming on just a little too strong. Now we're at one of my favorite

13. 8:36 – 10:38

    Listener case: overbearing father-in-law—applying cues in a real scenario

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:36

       parts of the podcast, and that's when I get to read a question from a follower. I have a weekly newsletter where I send out a email right to your inbox once a week that gives a short, concise communication tip. If you're not part of that newsletter, you're gonna find it there in the show notes below. Uh, I get to ask... you know, get a question from a follower, and I pick one out. This one right here, let me pull out my phone. This one is from Shannon in Dallas. She says, "Jefferson, thank you so much for your content." Thanks, Shannon. "I have a issue with an overbearing father-in-law. He always tries to push his opinion onto me, especially if it's only he and I in the room and nobody else is around. He's trying to get me to agree with his side, whether it's politics or how things should be done around the house or my role. Any advice would be helpful." Shannon, I hear you, and that's difficult. That is a strong personality, especially in-laws. In-laws can... You know, they typically have strong personalities. That doesn't mean it's bad. It's, it's often good. Here's what I'm gonna recommend to you. Any time, one, I'm assuming... I'm gonna make some assumptions. Number one, I'm assuming that the conversation is appropriate, meaning he's talking about something that is okay to talk about. He's not asking inappropriate questions. He's not pushing something that is making you super uncomfortable. He just has a pushy, strong personality. What I'm going to recommend to you is, one, you use the question of, "Is this something we have to agree on? Is this something we have to agree on?" Or, "Are you asking me to agree with you? Are you asking me to agree with you?" Often the answer you're gonna find, and I, I'll be surprised if it's not, the answer you're gonna get is, "No. No, no, no, I'm just, you know, I'm just asking. I'm just, you know, wondering your thoughts on this." It's okay to, to prompt them with those questions, but often you'll find they'll move on, 'cause you're indicating to them that he's being a little bit too pushy in the conversation. Here's another thought that's coming to my mind. Often you can frame a conversation in a way that allows them

14. 10:38 – 12:41

    “Call your shot”: define how the conversation will end to remove control

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:38

       not to have that control in the first place. So if you find that he raises an issue and he's trying to push something on you, and you want to get out of it, you need to tell him how you want the conversation to end, meaning you call your shot ahead of time. You're just telling them how you want the conversation to end, and it sounds like this. If you're getting into that conversation, and you find maybe you're two minutes into it, you go, "Look, I wanna walk away from this conversation with us with the understanding that this is gonna be this way," or, "This isn't going to change. I want you to have... I wanna walk away with the understanding of..." I wanna walk away is the key phrase. I want to end this conversation understanding blah, blah, blah. I want to walk away from this conversation with X, Y, and Z. It's not you actually walking away. I'm not saying you leave the conversation, though if you need to, you certainly could. It is the idea of I am telling you right now how I want this conversation to end, and that's how this is going to go, period. That way they can't guide it anywhere else. You're saying, "Look, I, I wanna end this conversation with..." Let's say his name was Carl. I don't know. You say, "Carl, look, I, I wanna end this conversation with you and I on good terms, all right? Carl, I wanna end this conversation and us have a great day. I wanna walk away with this conversation feeling good. I wanna walk away from this conversation excited for the dinner we're about to have." Just find ways to, to cue them out of saying, "Look, this is where I wanna end this conversation. Don't take us to a bad place. Don't take us towards somewhere difficult. It's okay to have a strong personality, but understand that on the end of it, I wanna come away with a positive takeaway that's gonna preserve both of our peace of minds." All right, Shannon? Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast, and if you would, leave a review. It really means a lot to me. Of course, my book is on pre-order right now, The Next Conversation. You can find it at pretty much any retailer, wherever you like to get your books. And you can listen to this podcast wherever you like to listen, whether it's on Amazon, Spotify, Apple, any of them. And as always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 12:41