How to Be Direct Without Sounding Rude

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Mission for the episode: sounding direct without sounding rude

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Have you ever wondered what it sounds like to be direct with someone? How to be direct in speaking to someone? Well, this episode is for you. We're gonna get right to the point, short, concise, direct, all that and more. Let's go. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you are listening on any platform, I'm going to ask that you find the button that, that says subscribe or like or comment because it helps this podcast and

2. 0:30 – 1:31

   Sponsor break: Cozy Earth (premium comfort products)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      it tells wherever you're listening that this is good, quality content. And that's my promise, that if you listen to these episodes and subscribe to them, I'm going to make you a better communicator. Thank you. This podcast is sponsored by, you know it, Cozy Earth. I love Cozy Earth because all of their products are extremely premium, comfortable, and cozy. From bedsheets to bath towels to, um, house shoes, to be honest. I've ... Their house shoes, uh, for those who've been listening to these episodes, they're still killing it. I have been wearing these things around the house, and they're fantastic. So I, um, I can't recommend Cozy Earth enough. We have their bedsheets. We have their bath... They have these bath sheets, these, like, bath towels that are as tall as me. I'm over six foot, and they're huge, and they're awesome. So if you like quality products, you like things that are comfortable and cozy, look no further than Cozy Earth. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson, and get up to 20% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson.

3. 1:31 – 2:01

   Why people struggle to be direct (from law + communication training)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:31

      Use the code Jefferson and get up to 20% off. Let's keep going. I speak to a lot of people, not just... I don't mean that in, uh, people in the world. I mean, specifically in my job as an attorney, I speak to a lot of people, and I train a lot of people in how to communicate. And one of the number one things that I hear time and time again is, "Jefferson, I wish I could just... I'm, I'm, I'm not very direct when it comes to depositions, cross-examination, direct examination. When I answer questions from people, I have a really hard time

4. 2:01 – 3:02

   What “being direct” actually means: a straight line from A to B

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:01

      being direct, and I, and I wish that I, I, I wasn't that way." If that's you, if you're listening and go, "I wish I could be more direct. I really don't know how it sounds, and I really don't know how to do it," this is the episode. I'm gonna teach you exactly how to do it. So what is being direct? It is a straight line from A to B. That's what it is. No farther than what it needs to be, no longer than what it needs to be. It is not a detour. I want you to think of it like Goog- Google Maps or Waze or whatever you, you know, however you... Uh, maybe MapQuest. Anybody? Any- Um, think of it as a straight line. You, you're not taking any detours. You're not taking the scenic route in the conversation. You are getting there as fast as you can, most efficiently as you can. Yes, it's not artful. Yes, it's not, uh, some fancy-sounding, very flowery language. It's just getting right to the point

5. 3:02 – 4:04

   What direct sounds like: “stick the landing”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:02

      of exactly what you need to say. So that's, that's what direct is. What does direct sound like? Direct sounds like your words sticking, not stretching, not expanding. So think of it like in the Olympics, right? They have, um, in gymnastics in the Summer Olympics, and these gymnasts, who are amazing, do these amazing things in the air, and then what's the goal here? They wanna stick the landing. They do or they talk. They say they do what they need to do. The action is up here, and then they stick the landing right there, and then they throw their hands in the air, and everybody applauds. That's what you're looking for. You're not looking for the type of motion where it continues just to carry on and on and on, where it's not like, I don't know, just watched the Winter Olympics. I'm thinking of, like, curling, you know, where they, they do the ice, the, the block of ice, and I don't really know how it works, but it seems kinda cool. Then they have, like, their mops. Anyway,

6. 4:04 – 5:05

   Customer service calls as the best practice arena for directness

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:04

      so how can we do this in your everyday communication? Here is a key and something that is, might be a hidden gem. In my opinion, speaking to customer service agents on the phone is the number one training ground for learning to speak directly. We all know what it's like to be on the phone with a customer service agent, and it's 20 minutes later, 30 minutes later, and you go, "This is, this is unbearable. Uh, this is terrible. I, I'm confused. They don't really know what I'm saying. I don't know how to get what I want," and it's just defeating. Most of the time, it has to do not with the agent. It has to do with how direct you are being, what you are asking for. So I'm going to give you a one, two, three that's going to help you not only be more direct but also probably help with some customer service agents. Now, first, I wanna call it what it is. Customer service reps, they don't have all this space usually to be creative. They have very limited

7. 5:05 – 6:35

   Three common mistakes: stories, hints, and over-explaining

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:05

      options in what they can do, like a doctor or an attorney or different occupations where it's like a triage. If it's not this, then it's that, and it's this decision tree of information, and that's what they're trained on. So if you don't fall into one of those categories, they don't really know how to help. And what makes it worse are these problems. One, you begin with a story. You begin with a story. So you start saying, "Okay, so the other day I bought this thing, and I... and it is not really working, and I'm not really sure," and you start giving all the background context. That is not helpful, and it's not sounding direct at all. It makes it harder and prolongs the issue. Another mistake is where you kind of hint at what you want them to do and just expect them to kind of read your mind rather than being direct and asking for what you want. And three, you over-explain and over-talk to where you feel as if they're going to feel you're justified and so entitled, and it's gonna lead them directly to the answer. You see how, how you're dealing with customer service in that way can be the same exact thing of how you deal with ordinary people? You, you, you might have the tendency to expect them to read your mind. You might have the tendency to feel like they should already know what you want and where you're going, and so you don't feel that inner desire to be direct. You just expect that they naturally know where you're going, and that you're entitled to something, and it's their job to get

8. 6:35 – 7:06

   Practice directness without being rude + more daily practice opportunities

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:35

      it. But in truth, it's your job to be direct. That's why I say that the customer service on the phone with them is the great training ground, because you can learn to say things more concisely, and you don't... I'm not at all saying, let me make this very clear, do not call customer service just for the fun of it and be rude and be ugly and say things, and that is not cool, and that is not at all what I'm saying. What I am saying is that for

9. 7:06 – 9:06

   Sponsor break: ButcherBox (meal planning with premium proteins)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:06

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10. 9:06 – 11:39

    The core framework: Issue → Impact → Remedy (the “1-2-3” method)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher9:06

       right, let's keep going. How do, how do I speak more direct? I'm so glad you asked. So here's how to do it. Number one, state the issue in one sentence. In one sentence. For example, "There's been a charge on my account. This product was not delivered. This is the problem." So if you have a, uh, an, uh, uh, uh, uh, if you have a problem... If you have a hard time describing what the issue is, just finish the sentence, "This is my problem," blank. "Blank is my problem." Be very, very clear on exactly what the issue is. Number two, you have to state the impact. What has been the impact to you? "There's a charge on my account. It cost me $75. Uh, this is late. I am not able to do this." State the impact, the harm, the consequence. It's very similar to kind of like in legal things. You have to write a petition, state a petition, and in a petition, which is a written document, you state the issue, you state the harm, and, well, who's responsible for it? S- Same kind of principle. You're having to state why they are responsible. So first, you have the issue. Second, you have the impact. And third, you state the remedy, what you're wanting them to do. "I've had a charge on my account. It's $75. I want this money back. I need a refund. I want to exchange this. I need to X." Be explicit as possible, specific as possible. This is where you get to say, "That doesn't work for me. Nope. I don't agree with that." Like, for some people, that is really hard to do. They have a hard time pushing against that. It's an uncomfortable feeling. You get to train that. It's, it is a learned skill. Believe me, it is a learned skill. You can do this. Three separate boxes here. You're gonna state what the problem is. Two, state the impact, and three, state the resolution. What are you asking for? What are you needing them to do? You can apply this at home, at work, any time. When you get to say, "Here is my problem. Here's the impact to me. Here's what I'm asking you to do. Here's how you can fix it. Here's the fix that I've come up with," don't do it to where you just state the problem

11. 11:39 – 15:42

    Escalation and boundaries: stay direct when you hear “no”

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:39

       and go, "I leave it up to you. Find the solution." Ask exactly for the solution that you want. Now, if you say, "I want a refund," and customer service says, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, we can't do this," you say, "That's not acceptable. Then what are my other options?" Ask, "What are my other options? Is there a way that I can escalate this? What, what is a solution that, that is available to me? How can I escalate this?" Like, they all have a procedure in their book of what to do when. And yeah, maybe you, you do hit a- A, a dead end. But you can at least rest assured that you've been direct about it in stating what you want. No, you're not, you're not gonna use that company again. You, you, you know you're gonna cut off the relationship with that because it's... They're not giving you what you want. Same thing with everyday human relationships a- and, and romantic relationships or dating relationships. If you are not being direct and stating what you want, you are setting yourself up for failure. It... This kind of reminds me of this quote that I heard, and it's something to the tune of, "The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place." Right? Like, where you think you were very direct, and the other person doesn't feel that at all. They, they're left confused. The sharper you can be and say, "Hey, th- this is what you said. This hurt me. I want you to apologize," it's kind of the same... It's all the same system. It's all the same system. "Hey, you left your, your toys out, your Legos out. I stepped on one of them, and it caused me immense pain. I need you to pick these up now." True story for me many nights, right? You see how it is bam, bam, bam. You're sticking the landing every single time. It could be also as simple as, "I know that you f- want this from me. That's something I'm not comfortable with. My answer needs to be no," period. Stick the landing every time. I really like that phrase, "My answer needs to be no. I need to say no." Hmm. What a good phrase. Whenever you can be very direct with somebody, they actually appreciate it more. I like to, to, to say that sometimes the kindest thing you can do is be as direct as you can be. When you're not direct with somebody, you're indirect. It's, [sighs] like, it's trying to go through the back door. Like, there's a front door on a house for a reason. Go up and knock on it. Go through the front door. You're not gonna try and find a window that's open somewhere else. Go through the front door. That's what it's there for. People who struggle with being direct, it's usually because you're not using the right type of frame or system to deliver the message. You typically start instead with a story, and you're giving context. Before we keep going, I wanna take a moment to tell you about Momentous. Momentous is a company that I've been using long before they were ever a sponsor of this podcast. To me, they make the top-tier supplements in a space that typically has a lot of low regulation. Like, people will cut corners. They just throw in a lot of sugar in things. They don't really tell you what's all in their product. That's why I partnered with Momentous. They're known as a high-trust brand in a low-trust category by holding themselves to a higher bar, which they don't have to do, but they do it. They call it the Momentous Standard. It's all about quality, testing, and transparency done the right way. Momentous uses top-tier ingredients, like grass-fed whey protein from European dairy cows and the purest form of creatine monohydrate, with no fillers or artificial sweeteners. And every product is independently certified by NSF for Sport or Informed Sport, so you know it's tested for contaminants and verified for label accuracy, which makes me feel a whole lot better. In a space where trust is rare, Momentous is changing the game. Right now, you can get 35%

12. 15:42 – 18:13

    Why stories sabotage clarity (law firm intake example)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:42

       off your first order with promo code Jefferson at livemomentous.com. That's livemomentous.com, promo code Jefferson. And now, let's keep going. This happens a lot in the law firm. We'll have a new client, potential client, who calls, and they talk to the receptionist, and they go, "Okay, so the other day, like, uh, three months ago, I had this guy, and he did this, and, you know, I d-" And they start saying all of the t- all this context that's been in their mind, and it's all story, and it's convoluted. And they're like, "No, wait, wait, wait. And so this guy..." And they start dropping names. And then they're like, "Well, he did this," and then, "Actually, you know what? Wait, let me back up. What he did was..." That is maddening, all right? I understand that it usually comes from insecurity or fear, and y- it's, it's the fear of that you're not giving enough information. Totally valid. What the other person hears and what the other person is doing is trying to distill, like, w- w- okay, what, what's, what's relevant? What's not relevant? What's the issue? What's not the issue? And it's, it, it's like playing, um, um, like an I Spy book game, like a Where's Waldo? Like, you're just... You're searching for the things that go, "That's the issue right there." But n- not everybody does that. They're not gonna just try to find the issues for you in that type of capacity. Instead, they're gonna be just as lost. So what are they gonna do? They're gonna say what they want because they don't really know what you're asking for. So you start with a story. I can promise you, you're gonna end up being disappointed when it comes to being direct. Unless, I'd say unless, there was a reason why the story is important, and that would come on the back end. So instead, I would say, "Here's my issue. Here's the impact to me. Here's how I want you to fix it." And they're gonna give a response, and you say, "I'm gonna give you more information because you need to know this," right? That's when you're able to give the additional information. But you don't wanna start with it because it sounds like you're trying to, I don't know, r- run up, go up on a escalator that's going down. Like, you're just going to be running in motion and not getting anywhere. All right. We've talked about what being direct is.

13. 18:13 – 20:08

    The “three-sentence rule” and final recap: condense and stick the landing

    1. JFJefferson Fisher18:13

       We've talked about what being direct sounds like, how you wanna stick the landing, how you wanna have short, choppy sentences. In my world, what I like to teach is if you can't say it in three sentences, you need to think about it again. You need to condense. You need to reduce. So if... Let me give that little tidbit to you. I have a three-sentence rule that I like to live by, both in my company and regular communication if need be, if... And it's this: If I can't say it in three sentences, I need to go back and think about it. Now, the other people, if they're asking for information on something and they need context, absolutely, I'm, I'm going to give that. But in terms of me initiating a message, if I cannot say it in three sentences, not run-on sentences, but actual grammatical sentences, then I need to go back to the drawing board. It's that, that quote about, if, "I would r- I would have written you a shorter letter if I had had more time." Like, it takes effort to try and condense information down. And so when I can do that, that's me being direct. And when I can use the method that we just talked about, what I just taught you, of stating first what the issue is to say, "This is my problem." Two, "This is the impact to me, how it has affected me." And three, the fix, the resolution, the result. "This is what I am asking you to do," whether it's just to listen, whether it's just to note it for the record, w- whether it is to, um, compensate me to be able to recover something back in some way, to remedy this, right? That is a system that you can use in a lot of different contexts. And here, the main focus is stick your landing, and that's exactly what I'm gonna do right now. All right. Thank you. Bye. Try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 20:09