How to Quickly and Effectively Earn Respect from Others Through Confident & Authentic Communication

1. 0:00 – 0:46

   Respect is lost fastest when someone chooses harm over healing

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Do you lose respect faster when you can tell somebody's not respecting themselves or when somebody says something disrespectful to you?

   2. JFJefferson Fisher0:07

      When somebody says something disrespectful to you. I, if I can... If you don't respect yourself, that's a, that's a place for me to show you grace and kindness and patience. Like, yeah, I'll give you time for that. I understand, yeah, you shouldn't have said that. This is what I'm thinking. Yeah, you shouldn't have said that, but I'm gonna let it go. You know you shouldn't have said it. Versus if they say something, like, m- much uglier that was m- only meant to hurt, again, it pretends on, uh, depends on context. But yeah, you can lose, you can lose respect for them much faster when they choose harm over healing.

2. 0:46 – 1:31

   Can conflict be resolved over text? Use voice to reduce misunderstanding

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:46

      Do you think conflict can be settled at all through text messages or online messaging, or do you think with, when it comes to friendships, professional relationships, romantic relationships, it's always gonna be best to hop on the phone, video chat, in-person meeting?

   2. JFJefferson Fisher1:01

      Yeah. I mean, they can be, if you and the person are mature and intelligent and give each other the benefit of the doubt and not make a, you know, mountain out of a molehill. But if you're not, or if you don't know each other that well, always much wiser to just pick up the phone, let them hear your voice. Uh, that makes a, a, a big difference. Uh, I, I, I do it count- I mean, I do it all the time. I text, text with my

3. 1:31 – 2:10

   The “K” and thumbs-up problem: how tiny texts create big stories

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:31

      wife and oof, uh, I got a response that felt very cold. Um, you know, it... Anytime you get the K text-

   2. JFJefferson Fisher1:38

      [laughs]

   3. JFJefferson Fisher1:39

      ... just the K-

   4. JFJefferson Fisher1:40

      Or thumbs up

   5. JFJefferson Fisher1:40

      ... you're like, "Oh, well, okay. She, uh, they, they're ready to destroy me. You know, my life is over. I just got a K." Or an mmK, an MK. Like, there's all different ways that we go, "Oh, that doesn't sound, that doesn't sound good." It depends on the person. Like my dad, my dad will just text, "Okay," to anything really you, you send him. Like, but I just know that's him, and I'll call him, and he'll be like, "Oh, that's fantastic." But, you know, the text you got. So it, it just depends on the person. But yeah, you're never gonna go wrong getting to hear their voice. And besides,

4. 2:10 – 3:02

   Humans need spoken connection: why voice matters beyond conflict

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:10

      a lot of times, like hearing your voice can make somebody's day. We, we were, we are meant to hear and connect and speak as humans. To- it's not good for humans not to talk to other humans. I was always... There's that show, I forgot what it's called. It's like they go up, they send them to Alaska for like, say, spend 100 days alone in Alaska.

   2. JFJefferson Fisher2:34

      Oh, yeah, I know what you're talking about. Yeah.

   3. JFJefferson Fisher2:35

      Yeah. And for... And, and at first they love it. They're so excited. They build their shelter. They're like, "Oh, yes, I just, you know, got... I just harvested this, uh, rabbit, and I'm doing all this." But by like 20 days, they're like, "I haven't spoken to anybody. I miss my friends. I miss hearing people's voices." It's, it's the loneliness that gets them. It's not their capability. I, I was just found, found that really interesting.

5. 3:02 – 4:21

   Sounding more intelligent: reduce filler words by replacing them with silence

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:02

      What are some subtle ways that people can sound more intelligent when they're speaking? I think it's like sometimes people when they'll say... When you, you'll hear people say if somebody says like a lot or um, that they, they don't sound as intelligent. I say, I say like a lot and um, and I'm like, "I think I still am pretty, pretty smart," but I, I know I can get better. So what are your thoughts on just some, some subtle ways people can improve?

   2. JFJefferson Fisher3:21

      Yeah, you wanna try to eliminate filler words the best you can, but it depends on context. So if you and I are just talking, and I'm just being casual, say like and um as much as you want. But if you're in front of a presentation and a group of people and you need to persuade, like and um become distractions. That's the problem. It's not that they're not comfortable. Everybody uses them. It's that they're distractions, and that distraction is telling you, "I'm not confident. I'm not knowledgeable. I'm nervous." And people start to pick up on those little bitty things. So all you need to do is just replace that filler with silence, and you sound 1,000 times more confident. Then it sounds intentional. But yeah, it's, it doesn't mean that there's something bad about them. I, I mean, I use them in just normal everyday speech. But it's when you want to... When you're on a different level of conversation with somebody that it makes a difference. So if you're like my boss or something, you see how I just said that? If you're like my

6. 4:21 – 5:57

   Directness beats buffer phrases: ask clearly for what you need

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:21

      boss, then if I need to approach you about a salary or whatever, I come up to you, and I say, [inhales] um, yeah, okay, so like, I am... Okay, here's the thing. I like am really concerned about my... You've lost them. Yeah, you've just wasted 12 seconds of them s- going, "Okay, whatever coming, is coming out of your mouth, uh, I'm already not wanting to hear it." Or if you say, uh, "Hey, I hate to bother you." Like, great, you just told them, "I, what I'm about to do is bother you." So, so buckle in. You know, there's these just phrases and ways to talk that they aren't gonna be the best foot forward if you wanna come off with confidence.

   2. JFJefferson Fisher5:04

      So the best way is just to be direct. Like, if you were talking to your boss and you wanted a raise, saying something like, "Hey, wanna talk to you about something that's super important to me."

   3. JFJefferson Fisher5:12

      I would, I would even make it more specific. "I, I'd like to talk to you about my salary. When's the best time we can visit?"

   4. JFJefferson Fisher5:17

      Okay.

   5. JFJefferson Fisher5:18

      You know, just, just right out of the gate, and there's no question. 'Cause you have to think of from their point of view, as a, as a, as somebody who's of the employer side, what, what are they thinking? They don't wanna be blindsided either. Uh, so why, why do you make it to where you wait until you're face to face for them to have any clue of what you're talking about? You need to be able to prep them for that conversation. You need to let them massage it, let them think about things. So the more specific, the better.

   6. JFJefferson Fisher5:47

      And you think it's better just to lead with that out of the gate? 'Cause sometimes people will put a buffer at the beginning like, "Hey, hope, hope you're doing well. Hope you had a great weekend. Hope blah, blah, blah."

   7. JFJefferson Fisher5:54

      Yeah. Uh-uh.

   8. JFJefferson Fisher5:55

      You just think it's just like, "Hey-"

   9. JFJefferson Fisher5:56

      Be direct with it. Yeah.

   10. JFJefferson Fisher5:57

       Yeah.

7. 5:57 – 7:14

   Sensitive conversations and bad news: specificity reduces anxiety

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:57

      Exactly. Yeah. Uh, yeah, because it... They know that's n- that doesn't matter They, they know it. It's the same way with delivering bad news, right? If you, if you're gonna deliver bad news, same... Delivering bad news is the same way of delivering sensitive-- want to have a sensitive conversation with somebody. If, if you are ha- I need to deliver bad news and I say, "Hey, so how, how are you? So how you been? I, I know, I know, yeah, you doing good? You feeling all right? Okay. Okay, well, I got, I got some things to tell you," and I mean, y- they're just going... Just making them twist off in the wind of going, "Okay, what's, what's happening? What's going on here? Are you, are you quitting? Are you not quitting? What's, what's going on?" Versus if you come out right out of the gate, you know, with bad news, they say to s- You just go, "I got bad news," and give it a two-second beat, "I need to let you go." Well, now, now they know. Great. But if, if you have need to have a sensitive conversation about something, it's much easier to say, "Hey, I need to talk to you about what you said at the party on Friday. When's a good time to talk?" And be very specific, and then, then they know. Then they're prepared. Instead of just the vague text, "We need to talk," period. Nobody likes that. Nobody loves that text. "We need to talk." Talk about what? Yeah. Be more specific.

8. 7:14 – 8:36

   When they won’t engage: non-response reveals priorities and relationship value

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:14

      And if the other person doesn't respond to that, do you give them any time window before... Like, I mean, like for instance, like if it's a relationship situation, you're texting somebody like, "Hey, I'd like to speak with you about what you said to me on Friday," and they don't respond to you about it or they beat around the, the bush or whatever, do you follow up with them, with them about it in a few days? A few, like a week? Like how does, how do you handle that? 'Cause sometimes that does happen.

   2. JFJefferson Fisher7:40

      Yeah. Well, it, it depends how much that person matters to you. But the fact that they don't wanna interact should mean m- maybe you've made a mistake on how high up that person is on your priority list or how important you are to that person. 'Cause often, you know, people, people will want you for what you give them, not the other way around. And so if they're not willing to talk with you and reason with you and, and empathize with you and listen, they may not be your person. They, they just... They might just wanna use you for whatever. Uh, I, I, I feel like if they're not willing to engage, that is a big red flag of they don't value you as much as you think they do, which is a hard realization. Now, some people just might, they might miss the text. They might not get it. They might try and push it off. But understand, if it's, if it's important to you, it should be important to them.

9. 8:36 – 10:13

   Earning respect through “warmth”: calm presence signals real confidence

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:36

      If I were trying to earn your respect throughout this conversation, if I were to want to come across as somebody that I know what I'm talking about, if I was somebody that wants to come across as being high value, what do you think is the biggest thing that I should focus on for me to portray that to you?

   2. JFJefferson Fisher8:55

      It's a feeling, and that feeling is warmth. If you really wanna portray confidence, there's the temptation to feel like you have to be big, that you need to be right in their face. Hey, high energy, high impact all the time. Th- that does not convey confidence right away. It conveys desperation. It might convey eagerness. It might convey too much. So if somebody's just, you're s- you're sitting with me, uh, or with anybody, and you come on super strong, that might throw off the equilibrium of the conversation, where it's going, "Oh, this is, this is, this is too much. I'm just getting to, to know you." So it's much more easier if you think about the feeling of warmth and what that is and how that sounds and how that resonates with you. So if I wanna portray confidence, uh, it's to slow down my words, to make sure that I don't uptalk with things. It's to make sure that I am pausing correctly with you and making eye contact and having that intention. I'm not looking around the room. I, I'm, I'm focused right with you. My chin's up. I'm not looking down. My shoulders are back, and I'm just wanting to engage fully with who you are and who I am and making sure that we match the same frequency rather than coming in hot and heavy.

10. 10:13 – 12:12

    Why people come on too strong: overcompensating for approval

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:13

       Why do you think people come on too strong in conversations?

    2. JFJefferson Fisher10:18

       A desire to be loved, a desire to be liked, a desire to feel like they are special and they're different from somebody else. It, it's, it's just overcompensating most of the time. If somebody is... You're wanting to project high energy. It's different if you're performing in front of a whole bunch of people. You're speaking to a bigger audience. Got it. You need to have that energy because it has to be spread over a lar- much bigger number of people. But if it's just one person, you, you don't need to come on that strong. It's much easier just to meet them where they are. In other words, I don't have to, I, I don't have to come parachute into the conversation. I just need to walk up and shake your hand, and they need to feel that in your voice and, and your tone and your tenor and how that operates.

    3. JFJefferson Fisher11:02

       Yeah, I mean, I've noticed with myself that the lower my self-esteem was at the time, the more I needed to fake it in a conversation and try to show up in a way that wasn't who I was. Because I was so miserable with who, with the person that I was, I felt that the other person would automatically know that there was something wrong with me, um, because of the way that I was feeling. And then what I realized is, you know, most people aren't really paying attention to that. You actually look more unconfident when you're trying to, you know, fake it to somebody throughout the course of a conversation. Like, I'm wondering... I know for me, it helped me a lot to work on myself through other mechanisms, fitness, my relationship to myself, my, my personal relationships, purpose, and so on, that that allowed me to be able to, I think, sit here and be able to have these conversations like this. Do you think that for you personally, is that the way to appear more high value, you know, high level of self-respect, et cetera? Or is it Just exposure therapy through practice, through having conversations like this

11. 12:12 – 15:03

    Authenticity is visible: the ‘jury trial’ lens on being real

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:12

       It's a comfort with yourself. It, it, exposure helps just by repetition. I mean, you can only know so much. It has to have application. But it comes from within. Now, I see this a lot of time in a, at a jury trial. So as a litigator, I go to court, and often I will have a witness or I'm cross-examining a witness who is trying to be somebody they think the jurors and the jury want them to be. They want to, need to portray some... Maybe they need to portray sympathy, hoping to gather sympathy from the jury. But people have a sixth sense about them. We can just tell. Uh, there's no way to really put words to it, but it's very easy to go, "That person is not being true to who they are. Something is off. Something is... I can't describe it, but I can just feel it, I can hear it." You know it when you see it. And so there's that temptation to be something different than who you are, but that typically draws away. It doesn't, it rarely if ever gives you the outcome that you want. Authenticity is being exactly who you are on the inside as you are on the outside. People, it's... L- leave the window fronts for, for shopping, but don't, don't make it your home base of who you are and your personality, because eventually it's going to either hurt the relationship that you're trying to have, which is based upon a f- a f- a falsity, or it's going to eventually grind you down, because after a while it's just gonna be friction, uh, and, and that's gonna have a rub, and that's gonna get worn, and, and that's gonna be hard to... You're gonna have that identity crisis further down the road. Much better to, to be who you are now.

    2. JFJefferson Fisher13:55

       Yeah, we often have that problem with overcorrection, right? Where if we're feeling a lack of self-esteem, we wanna overcorrect it by trying to portray that we have a higher level of self-esteem than we actually do, and people can pick up on that right away. But I will say, I think on the, the opposite end of that, like I can tell a lot by somebody when they shake my hand. If they have a weak handshake, I can just tell, like, they're, they're struggling, they got something going on, they have a low level of self-esteem. Maybe this is me overgeneralizing, but, but for the most part, that's just maybe my perception and my bias. And people who walk with, and looking, you know, at the ground when they're walking, because I did all of that and I wasn't very confident. So do you think in situations like that where people are feeling less confident, passive, they're maybe not an extrovert, but they're trying to appear confident, how, like in your experience, like what's the best way for somebody to bridge that gap so that they're not turning somebody off by being too passive, having a weak handshake, looking down, but they're also not coming out as this over-charismatic person which can be easy for people to pick up on right away?

12. 15:03 – 17:04

    Bridging passive vs performative: nothing to prove, say less with more impact

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:03

       Hmm. It's a, it's a balance, and that balance is specific to context. It's specific to the situation and, uh, a lot of different factors. There's this fear, and it's, it's a, it's a type of psychological threat of identity, and that makes you question, "What if they don't like me? What if they don't like who I am? Is who I am enough in this moment?" And, uh, that causes you to have maybe not the weak handshake, but it causes you to, to feel down, to have that negative energy. Whereas on the opposite end, if you're always, always needing s- to be the person to say something, often the person who says the most knows the least. Uh, you, you've been in those boardroom meetings and the person who's always chiming in is typically the person who's least connected with what's going on. But the confident person, the authentic person knows that they don't have anything to prove. So the advice is understand you have nothing to prove. Your value is exactly what your value is. You don't dilute it by saying too much. You don't undervalue it by not saying enough. So it's this, this understanding of, "I don't have anything to prove, not with my words, not with my actions. I know exactly who I am." And that allows you to be able to use pauses more effectively. It allows you to have stronger conversations, because less is often more when your words are more concentrated, when you say less. Confident people know they don't have to have an answer to everything. They don't have to say every little thing that comes to their mind. The person who's the most knowledgeable in the room typically in that board meeting is the one who says the least. And so it's, it's, it's always the, the reverse of what we, what we originally think.

    2. JFJefferson Fisher16:55

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Episode duration: 17:04