How to Respond to Unsolicited Advice

1. 0:00 – 0:58

   Handling unsolicited advice: quick gratitude to end the loop

   1. SPSpeaker0:00

      How do I respond when people give me unsolicited advice? Some people will constantly tell me what to do. "You should do this. You should do it that way. Oh, I would have done this." And I never know how to respond. I have tried saying, "I've got it. It's covered," but it seems like those don't really work. So thank you for taking my call, and I appreciate all the work you do.

   2. JFJefferson Fisher0:26

      What do you do when somebody gives you unsolicited advice, Vera? Great question. Here's some things that come to mind. Number one, just a thank you. Simple thank you. Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for letting me know. That's a quick way to go, "Eh." [chuckles] Whenever you have that very quick gratitude check-in, uh, not only because it allows you to cut it off, it also says maybe they did really mean it in a genuine, true, helpful sense. Maybe they al- they also did it patronizingly,

2. 0:58 – 1:29

   “Maybe so”: a noncommittal phrase that preserves your autonomy

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:58

      if that's a word, to, to be, uh, put you down in some way or backhanded in some way. But if you just say thank you, that, that seems to just cut it off right there. Number two, the one that I love, all right, Vera, is, yep, maybe so. Maybe so. I love maybe so because it's a way of saying, "Well, maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. Who knows?" So when somebody gives you advice

3. 1:29 – 2:30

   Match your response to the advisor’s intent and your relationship goals

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:29

      and says, "You know, you should, you should try and do this," I-- my preference is to go, "Yeah, maybe so." [chuckles] I hear this from my mom sometimes or mother-in-law or my grandparents. Um, usually my grandfather, you know, "You should be off doing-- You should do this and this and this," and I'll say, "Yeah, yeah, may-maybe so." So there's a question into it, Vera, of what's the heart of the person who's telling you this? Is it because they care? If it's because they care, then it's not something that we're gonna have a very harsh response of and go, you know, "Well, how about you just, you know, mind your own business?" Yeah, that, that's not gonna work for people who truly their interest is good, is genuine. They care. Mom, what I would say, "I worry because I care. I care because I love." You know, that, that has a lot of, lot of truth to it. I would also say, how often are you around these people? Yeah, it's if people are always giving you advice and unsolicited advice, they say,

4. 2:30 – 4:01

   Boundary phrasing that works: “I’ll think about it” and other I-statements

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:30

      um, you wouldn't take criticism from the person you, you wouldn't ask advice from. It's kind of like that. Um, the next thing that I would push towards is if you really wanna have a, a statement, rather than saying, "I got it," say, "I'll think about it." Yeah, I'll think about it. That allows you to say, "Yeah, I'm-- I get to decide. I get to choose that." Yeah, I'll, I'll, I'll, um, I'll think about it. Or this is a similar phrase. You could say, "Yeah, I'll spend some time with it. Yeah, I'll, I'll, I'll decide. I'll, I'll think about it. I'll decide. I'll make a decision." As long as you have it as an I statement, you're saying, "Yep, this is, this is where you stop and I begin." And when you can say, "Ah, I'll, I'll think on it. I'll decide on this," that allows you to make sure that you, you know that just because they said it doesn't absolutely mean it's gonna be taken. So it's this multi-tiered, uh, approach and thinking of what's the heart and character of the person who's asking. Is it truly out of genuine care or do you think it's some kind of backstabbing in some way? If you know them to be caring for that, we don't wanna shut down and be, hurt the relationship. At the same time you wanna let them know, "I, I got it." So that's why I like thank you, maybe so, or I'll think about it. Great question.

5. 4:01 – 6:24

   Are ‘trap questions’ real? Reframing social anxiety about invitations

   1. SPSpeaker4:01

      Hey, Jefferson. My name is Lance. I'm over here in New Jersey and my question is how do you answer questions from people that are designed to trap you either intentionally or unintentionally? A common example is in social situations when someone asks a question like, you know, "Hey, what are you doing Saturday night?" And when you're faced with that type of question and it induces a, a pretty massive cognitive load 'cause what if I don't wanna spend a Saturday night out or, or what if I don't wanna spend it with this person or what if I don't like the idea that they have is after I reveal my availability and once I do reveal my availability, you know, it's something that if I don't wanna participate in then I have to face the discomfort of having to say no to them and their idea. When I realize how uncomfortable this question is for people, I always reveal my idea first. So for example, I'll say, "Hey, a couple of us are getting together for dinner Saturday at seven o'clock at ABC Restaurant on Main Street. We'd love it if you could join." And I notice by phrasing it that way that gives them a comfortable way to accept or decline, but I haven't found a way or figured out a way to answer the trap question when it's presented to me. And on a funny aside in the Groundhog Day movie there's a scene where Ned asks Phil, "What are you doing for dinner tonight?" And Phil answers something else and he just walks away. And while hilarious, that isn't a practical solution in real life. So yeah, that's my question. How do you answer questions that are designed to trap you? Love to hear your thoughts and I love the show and I do follow you. Thanks so much.

   2. JFJefferson Fisher5:24

      Thanks for following, man. Man, this is-- Here's what I want you to see, okay? Because when you said questions that are trained to trap you, immediately my brain went into attorney mode of like, oh, we talking about some, some corner you questions. And then you pulled the question of what are you doing on Saturday? My man, that's not a, that's not a trap question. The only trap that's being laid is the trap that you're putting right there because what you told me is you heard that question and your mind went 50 miles down the road. And I first want to validate that feeling of, yeah, I think a lot of people hear that kind of question and immediately, I could hear it in your voice, like that amount of anxiety of, okay, well hold up if I say this then, then I, I'm, I may not be able to do that because I really wanna do plans with this person. If, if they invite me to something then we have to tell them no and I don't wanna disappoint them, upset them and it's all a trap in your mind. All right? Those are not trap questions. Those are invitations, and those are questions that somebody

6. 6:24 – 11:12

   Three tactics for loaded questions: delay, mirror, or reframe

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:24

      is genuinely interested in what's happening in your Saturday. Maybe they invite you to something. Maybe they're just making small talk. Either way, I know that does not take away from the feeling of the immediate grip of anxiety. All right. So I wanna... Knowing what you're asking now, let's, let's turn that. What do you do in that moment somebody says, "Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing Saturday?" And right before you go, "Oh my gosh, what do I... What am I doing? Well, I do have plans, but if I answer them, are they gonna wanna interrupt the plans? Are they gonna wanna invite themselves? What's gonna happen in that moment?" Instead of that, it's okay to say, "I'm not sure. I'm not sure." Use it, it's just a simple technique of saying, "I have not solidified anything yet." Maybe you are roughly sure. Maybe it might feel better for you to put a percentage on it. Say, "I don't know. I maybe have 20% of my plans made. I'm not really sure yet." But if you are doing something on Saturday, I need you to say it with a sense of excitement that says, "Yeah, I've made some plans to go out on a hike with two friends of mine. I'm really looking forward to it." That's it. Get, be just simple, straight to the point. It doesn't mean that simply because they ask, "How's your Saturday? What are you gonna do Saturday?" they're trying to mess up your plans. That's, that's projecting things that they didn't say. So I want you to be very aware of what they said and what they have not said, and whose voice said what. 'Cause what you're telling me is they gave 20% of the question, and you filled in 80% of the response into your brain. And so often that will... That's that 80% is where bad things happen, and that's where we kind of start to spiral and, and get into our head. It-- That being said, I know for a lot of people that's super, um, nerve-wracking of what you're gonna do. So what, what are some methods we said? One, I delayed it, so I said, "I'm not sure. Don't know yet." Add a percentage too to say, "I, I don't know. I got 50% of my plans nailed down. Not really sure." So delay is a certain tactic. Number two, it feels better to you, just mirror it right back. So maybe you delay, say, "Well, um, I'm still figure-- still figuring it out. What about you?" Just quickly thump, mirror it right back on them and see how they respond. You're gonna get really... Y-you will know very quickly, was this somebody trying to invite themselves in, or were they just trying to be polite and making small talk? Here's the... I wanna give you number three, and that is if it is a truly a trap question and you feel like there's no good answer, you always have the answer of saying, "That's not a, that's not a question I can... That's not an easy question. That's not a question I can answer right away." So when I train witnesses, uh, for a deposition for somebody else that's gonna be asking them on cross-examination, so it's my client, is to say, "Don't let them frame the question for you." Right? In other words, it's okay to say, "I don't know," and it's okay to say, "Ah, you know, it's a, it's a more complicated question than that," that, that, that's it's gonna require a much more complicated answer. To be able to reframe and kind of define, "Ah, that's, that's a question I really... I don't know yet. That's not a question I can, uh, answer right away. There's more to it. It's not a question that I can answer with just yes or no." So that's going more into the weeds. Your question was something as simple as somebody asks, "How is your Saturday?" I know it feels nerve-wracking. What you told me is a lot of that's internal, so I want you to take a breath, come outside of it, say, what is this person trying to... What are the words that came out of their mouth, and what are they wanting to know? Without adding any assumption to it, without adding any filter that you're putting onto it. What's the story that you're telling yourself? None of that. Just answer that question if you feel like answering that question. If you don't, it is totally okay to delay it, figure out what plans you have, not really sure. Or if you're excited and it's s-solidified, tell them, "These are the things that you're going to do," and don't apologize for it. And three, if you need to, be willing to just reflect it back on them as kind of a, a buffer to make sure that what you think they're asking for is exactly what they're asking for, rather than trying to get it all in your head. Cool? So glad that you follow the show, man. Thanks for the question.

7. 11:12 – 15:52

   Preparing for harassment after a no-contact order: future self, community, ‘even if’

   1. SPSpeaker11:12

      Hi, Jefferson. This is Lisa from Ohio. So thankful I found you. I have a question. My adopted sibling, oldest adopted sibling, I've had to take to court not once but twice to get a no contact order. I am foolish to think that when this is at an end, that the harassment will end. I'm working on myself. I am in, uh, narcissistic abuse recovery, and my question is, what is your advice to me to prepare myself for when this next no contact order ends?

   2. JFJefferson Fisher11:48

      Lisa, you went about this a way that surprised me. Typically, I might get a question about what, what should I say? You asked a different question. You said, "How can I best prepare myself?" What that tells me is you're doing work, and that makes sense given that you're a narcissustic-- narcissistic abuse recovery, and that has a therapy, and that has training, and that has modules. And what you're saying is, "Hey, how, how can I prepare m-m-me? How can I control me?" Which is a great question. Here's what comes to mind Number one, I want you to think of your present condition, your present environment, not in the terms of what am I doing right now? I want you to forecast it in picture your twenty, ten, thirty-year self out from now. So think way out in the future and say, "How would that person talk about my present?" W-- if you could, if-- Lisa, if you could talk to Lisa ten years from now, what would she say to you? Would she be kind? Would she be gracious? Would she say how proud she is of you? Would she say it's gonna get worse before it gets better, but there is gonna be a better? Would she say, "Just hold on, you're doing so, you're doing so good. You're staying so strong"? Like that... You need that voice right now. So I want you to access what your future self would be to you, because always the future self is always [chuckles] gonna be much more kind and say, "Man, you're really, really going through it, so go easy on yourself." Number two, this calls to question what kind of community are you in? If you're in recovery from narcissistic abuse, you are not alone. You are not alone. I think that all the more highlights the reason why you need to fill your cup up with other people who are going through this type of recovery because it is in the shared stories and strengths where you're going to grow, find safety, find security to be able to process a lot of your past. Same reason why people who go through or in addiction have recovery programs. It's, um, it's the same type of thing where you are finding like-minded people who have gone through certain things where you're getting to share in that because if you are dealing with this individual, that's gonna run your cup dry really quickly. But by having community and talking to other people, it's going to fill your cup. So Lisa, I just want to make sure that your cup is, is full and that you're making sure that you're surrounding yourself with people who are going to, to build you up. Three, the last thing that comes to mind is you say, "How can I prepare myself?" Is this idea of instead of what if, you flip it to even if. Instead of this, what if this happens? What if that happens? What, what if they do this? What if they do that? That is a position of weakness. That's a position that is less than, that says, "I can't handle it." I want you to flip it. Instead of what if, I want you to turn it to even if. Even if this happens, I'm okay. Even if this or that or the worst of it happens, I'm gonna still be here and I'm still gonna keep going and morning's gonna come and it's going to be all right and I'm gonna work through it. So when you're able to go from what if to even if, you're going to a position of strength and confidence and control, and that's gonna feel a lot better. So none of the what if he or she breaks this order, it's even if they do or even when they do, this is what I know to be true. Thanks for the call, Lisa. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Tiny Health. Now, you know what it's like when,

8. 15:52 – 17:17

   Sponsor break: Tiny Health gut microbiome testing

   1. JFJefferson Fisher15:52

      as you're going throughout the day, you go, "Something's just off. I don't know why I feel off. I feel like I've been eating okay. I've been doing all my regular stuff. I've been getting sleep, but maybe my stomach is not feeling good. Maybe I just... I don't feel locked in the way I need to." My family's been using Tiny Health for issues that have to do with just that. What Tiny Health does is it is a take-at-home test that you send in and it gives you personalized recommendations and results that are science-backed that give you a whole insight into what's going on in your gut, in your gut health, in your gut biome, um, your microbiome to say, "Hey, these are some of the foods that may be giving you issues. These are some lifestyle changes you might want to be aware of." In other words, rather than just guessing, what Tiny Health does is allow you to actually look and see based on real scientific data as to what exactly is going on. And when you have that kind of information, it's really a peaceful feeling just to know. Know, hey, this is what's going on. I'm not crazy. I'm not losing my mind. It just really is in your gut because if your gut isn't right, nothing's right. So start improving your health with real data from Tiny Health. Tiny Health is offering my listeners their biggest offer yet, which is fifty dollars off your first at-home test at tinyhealth.com/jefferson. That's tinyhealth.com/jefferson for fifty dollars off. And now let's keep going.

9. 17:17 – 21:59

   Substance use, accusations, and marriage strain: why this needs professional help

   1. SPSpeaker17:17

      Hello, my name is Amanda and I'm calling because I have an issue with my husband. He drinks and does drugs on the weekends and he thinks that it's okay because he only does it on the weekends, but occasionally he has been doing it more often during the week. I have been trying to help him get assistance with that, but the point is that when he does that, he's always accusing me of hooking up with the neighbors or his friends or literally just anybody. I have been with him for thirteen years and never have I ever been unfaithful or disloyal towards him in any way. I literally go to work from home. I don't have any hobbies. I don't have any friends because my life revolves around him and maybe that's what I'm doing wrong or maybe he thinks that because he does the same thing or he has done that in the past that I'm doing the same thing as him. I have tried to sit and talk to him while he's sober and try to work things out and try to explain like I feel like I have to constantly be defending myself of something that I'm not doing. So I really don't know how to go about the situation. Sometimes I just want to leave, but we have a son and, um, I mean I love him and I care for him and I Wish we could work on our family. So if you could please help me, um, and guide me on how to work through this, I would surely appreciate it. Thank you so much

   2. JFJefferson Fisher18:54

      [sighs] Amanda, my heart hurts for you because that sounds like a really hopeless situation, and I don't blame you for feeling that way. The first thing I'm gonna say is what the magnitude of the situation that you're in is one that needs therapeutic intervention. I appreciate you calling me. I do, and I'm gonna give you some stuff that I think top of my mind are, are gonna help in a positive way. I also am not ever a replacement for real clinical advice. I have a therapist. My wife and I also have a couples therapist because there are things that, like, sounds like you and your husband, y'all are going through stuff. We've gone through stuff. We're still going through stuff. And from that, here's what I, I do know. Aside from I would love to see a conversation around going to couples therapy. You said, "Jefferson, I don't think that's really gonna happen." Here's how you might wanna approach that conversation. One is the goal. What you said that really pulled on my heartstrings, Amanda, was this idea of, "I, I really wanna work on our family." You having a son, having kids certainly complicates any marriage issue because it magnifies it times a thousand. And a alcohol and drug problem is not something to take lightly, [chuckles] no matter if it's on the weekends or weekdays or whenever it is. Okay, that, that's, that's harmful, right? How do you bring up this conversation? Why did I talk about this? Goals. I need you to be able to have a conversation with him that says, "All right. I want to talk about what we both want for our family, for our son, for the two of us." This idea of you gotta find your North Star together. And if he too cares about your child and the marriage and the relationship, then couples therapy or talking to somebody saying, "We need some help," it's much better to make it a we thing, and I'd like to see us because it was gonna... I'd like to see us go and go to therapy because it's gonna uplift us, it's gonna make us better, rather than always just pointing at him saying, "You need to stop. You're the problem. You're the problem." Most likely, there's a lot deeper stuff here because I know y- you, you were just skimming

10. 21:59 – 26:48

    Setting enforceable boundaries and refusing deflection traps

    1. JFJefferson Fisher21:59

       the surface of all the other issues that, that are happening. So one, I, I do think this is something that would take, um, clinical therapy. So I, I fully endorse all of that. Okay? Next is where are you gonna put your boundary? I hear you saying, "I love him. Uh, he's the father of my son. Also, am I doing the right thing?" There's gotta have to be a boundary, and only you are gonna be able to define that. What I teach is a boundary that is very simple to say. So if he is pushing a particular topic or being in a way that's harmful to you, I need you to say, "I don't allow this," whatever it is. "I don't allow this. If you continue this," then, then three, the consequence, "then I'm gonna need to go get help. I'm going to enforce this. I'm going to find an attorney to start talking about drawing up papers if need to be." Then we're gonna have to look at some kind of separation where... You're gonna have to do something that's gonna make sure that you're keeping your family safe or in- in- invite others. So this is where relying on a network of community and having that stability is very helpful. So if it's friends or family members that can also be in there with you because you need that brace, right? It's... You need, uh, that support system around you, and that's where they really get to, to, to pull in and, and help you. Number three would be this more global thought on [sighs] what you highlighted was his deflection. So what do you, what do you do when your spouse, like, deflects something? You, you're, you're trying to come in saying, "Hey, you're doing this on the weekend, that on the weekend," and, and, and he's gonna turn around and say, "Well, yeah, but what about you doing this and you doing that?" Right? I need you to first see that that is shame, and it's also insecurity. So shame has a way of gripping and wanting to do everything but connect and hear you. Instead, it's going to... He's gonna be very defensive and start blaming everything else aside from him. To me, one of the biggest signs of shame is that you have a really hard time finding accountability, admitting accountability, taking ownership, because taking ownership would, in some ways feels like accepting defeat. And to do so is a shameful feeling. And so those are, those are things you have to be able to process and say, "Yes, I did do that. Yes, I have hurt us. Yes, I did, I, I did break my promise." So first is to see what that is, okay? Because once you can see that it's shame and insecurity, you can kind of name it and say, "I can distance myself from that," and see what's, see what's going on to be able to process it objectively. The second thing I want you to be okay with is whenever it does get to go that way, stop fighting it. In other words, don't get taken into the, the trap of going, "L- but m- m- it... w- when he, when he says, 'Well, yeah, what about you?'" And you're like, "Me? That wasn't..." And you start trying to compare, and you start trying to, uh, solve the problem that he's thrown up, right? He's, uh, all he's doing is trying to distract you, Amanda, and by following that distraction, you're doing exactly what he's hoping you'd do, and that is start talking about you to stop talking about him. And that, that creates a lot of problems, so I need you to, to stop that. How do you stop that? When you see it, something as simple as, "This is not about me. I don't know what this is, but I know this is not about me right now." That's gonna be very empowering to make sure that you know this isn't your fault, 'cause most likely he's saying things that trying to make it your fault. And you get to say to yourself, "This isn't mine. I don't know what's happening here, but I know this isn't my fault. I know this isn't mine." That's, that's saying, "Hey, I'm not taking your shame. I'm giving it right back to you. That's yours, not mine." Right? So those are the things I want you to keep in mind. Understand that there's two separate people, two separate paths, and in that moment when he's trying to find other things or blame things and make up things, you get to say, "This is your shame, not mine, and I give it back to you." Thanks for the call, Amanda.

11. 26:48 – 31:05

    Testifying against a neighbor: regulating your body and staying credible on the stand

    1. SPSpeaker26:48

       Hi, Jefferson. My name is Gavin, and I'm from Sydney, Australia. I look forward to meeting you when you come out to present at the Opera House.

    2. JFJefferson Fisher26:55

       Nice.

    3. SPSpeaker26:55

       My question is, I am due to give evidence later this year in a prosecution involving an alleged assault and an apprehended violence order. I am the victim and have been required by the police prosecutor to give oral testimony. The defendant is also my neighbor, which makes the situation more complex because the legal process is not separate from daily life. How can I give evidence in a way that is clear, calm, and truthful without sounding defensive, emotional, or rehearsed, particularly when the matter is personal, distressing, and involves someone I may continue to encounter? Thanks again.

    4. JFJefferson Fisher27:29

       Th- this is definitely not a small thing. Yeah, how, how do you give evidence? How do you testify and be calm, cool, collected, genuine when knowing that's right next door to you? Like, it, it's right there in everyday life. How do you, how do you separate that out? There's two things I wanna accomplish with that question, Gavin. One is that I give you some tools on how to testify. Two, I wanna give you some other thoughts on this idea of it living right next door to you, literally, right? Your neighbor right there. First, how do you s- how, how do you give testimony in a way that is calm, cool, and collected? I give this tip a lot. It's your breath. Don't hold your breath. When you're up on the stand, don't hold, don't hold it. You're gonna want to. I need you to breathe through it every single time. Continue to do that because it's regulating yourself. I do not want your heartbeat above 100 BPM. I need you to stay lower to make sure you are not flooded, because once you get flooded, then you get emotional, and then you get in your head, and everything falls apart. And then all of your testimony is gonna be at the will and power of whoever's questioning you, and then you're reacting, not responding. I do not want that to happen. So how do we do that? Let your breath be the first word that you say. So take a few seconds before you respond, and that's going to help you s- sound more genuine because it's gonna make sure what comes out is less emotional and more rational of what truly is, what is the truth in that moment. So your breath. Number two, only answer the question that's asked. This isn't the part for you to just, um, get on the, the lecture stand, the soapbox, and start going and fighting with everybody. You don't argue with people who are asking you questions because when you get really defensive, that, "Yeah, but..." But that's not how... Your attorney, your counsel, that's their job to ask you those questions. They, they're the person who will defend on your behalf. You don't. If you do, then the jury only hears or the judge only hears that you're trying to make excuses for things. We don't want that. We want them to think, "This person is credible, this person is confident, and this person says the truth." Another thing that I encourage witnesses if they really feel like they need to get it out, is I will ask the witness even in the c- even in court, I will say, "Mr. and Miss So-and-so, you know, are, uh, it's okay to say this. Are you, are you nervous right now?" And they go, I m- this allows you, Gavin, to go, "Yes, I am. I, I am. Uh, I've never been in this kind of situation before. So if you hear me, this is something that is emotional for me, but I'm gonna give you every bit of what I know to be true." Right? So it's, it's okay to say that because really, I think the day you don't need it, because it's your words that are gonna be carrying that truth for you. So keep straight to the point. All right? Don't be afraid to let your emotions show because that's what makes you human. And then lastly, use your breath, which is gonna make sure that you stay regulated throughout that. Cool? Next, what about this thing of it living next door to you? Holy smokes. The thing that comes to mind for me of knowing that

12. 31:05 – 32:16

    Living next to the defendant: protect your sense of safety and tell the truth anyway

    1. JFJefferson Fisher31:05

       that doesn't have to enter your personal life. You still have a home that is safe. You deserve safety, and that is your right to, to be safe from danger and harm. And so I want you to live within that right. I want you to be able to have confidence that you're doing nothing wrong. You are using the system, the method by which is offered to you to how to right wrongs. That's what it's there for. Any civil system is there to right wrongs in a civil manner, so you are using the very system that you need to be using. Otherwise, I d- I don't want you to get in your head that what's happening at home should intimidate or influence what you need to say and give evidence to on the stand. The truth is the truth. The truth needs nowhere to hide. So I, I, at the end of the day, you need to be sure that what you do and what you say is something that you can be proud of, to make sure that you, you, you are very proud of yourself. Doesn't matter if it's bad facts, doesn't matter if it's bad information. It-- the truth is the truth, and that's never something to hide. You got this, Gavin.

13. 32:16 – 36:09

    Toxic guilt in later life: separating regret from identity and stabilizing the future

    1. SPSpeaker32:16

       Hi, Jefferson. My name is Susan. I am just turned seventy-three years old, and I have been storing this vast amount of what I just heard you mention, toxic guilt, for my entire adult life. My husband was abusive, and my son had a chaotic childhood, and he has been escalating his attempts to make me feel small. He treats me with contempt and hatred, and even though I was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago, he never came to visit. He never saw me. He never offered any help, and I realized that I think I've exhausted all my reserves of guilt, and it... Even though it's a little late in the game. So anyway, my question is, can you give me a good way to handle this situation and sort of minimize my rumination? Thank you, Jefferson. I've read your book. It was just a revelation, and I appreciate you being alive on our planet because you are the-- you are just like... You're so... I, I value... I'm so grateful for you. Thank you.

    2. JFJefferson Fisher33:22

       First off, Susan, that's very kind. I'm glad you're on this planet too. Here, here are some thoughts that I have with the little details that you gave me. There's a difference between healthy shame, toxic shame, in the same way there is healthy guilt and toxic guilt. Healthy guilt is that normal feeling of, "I did something that I regret," and it has to do with self-improvement. "I-- Man, I shouldn't have done that. I've, I'm gonna grow from this, and I'm going to continue life knowing I have this lesson." Toxic guilt is where you sit in shame, and instead of saying, "I feel bad," toxic guilt says or shame says, "I am bad," and it's, "I'm such a bad mother. I should have done this. I should have done that," where you feel guilt and shame for things that are out of your control. You could not have anything to do with it. Even if you've had a small part in it, the, there's other circumstances at play that you didn't have anything to do. So how can we do that? One, recognize, are you in healthy regret? Are you in toxic regret? Which one is that? Sounds like, like you said, you've been in toxic regret. I don't know exactly the ins and outs with you and your son, but what I do know is if you've given him a chaotic childhood, the best thing you can give him is a stabilized future. Meaning i- if, if childhood was chaotic, and there are things outside of your control because it takes two, uh, or there are just other cir- other circumstances at play, the best thing you can give him is not a chaotic adulthood. That means you can be there as a mom to say, "I'm a safe space." You can be there as a mom to say, "I'm here to make amends. I see where I went wrong. I see what I did in the past that has contributed to these things," and to now be part of the solution. And ultimately, Susan, it's, it's love, right? How, how can I, how can I love you better? How can I not repeat the mistakes I've made in the past? Now, if your son wants nothing to, to do with you, there's n- there's nothing you're gonna be able to do that fixes any of that. I've given lots of advice on very estranged relationships. The takeaway I leave you with is if you contributed to a chaotic childhood, the next best thing you can do is make sure not to contribute to a chaotic adulthood and to provide as much stability as you can, and that means providing love. That means being a safe place and not repeating the s- mistakes of the past.

14. 36:09 – 41:22

    When a daughter marries without your blessing: choose connection, surrender control, trust time

    1. SPSpeaker36:09

       Hey, my name is Heather, and I'm from North Carolina. My question is, how do you handle when your daughter marries someone against your will or against your blessing, I guess, not necessarily your will? We had some issues with a lot of deceptions from him and from her during their dating phase, and that is not typical our daughter. That is not who we have known her to be. They went through with the wedding, and we were there to support her, but we did not give our blessing, and there were a lot of things said, uh, to his parents that were untrue about us, such as us being neglectful and some other things like that. And so now we are struggling with the fact that our daughter truly seems happy. I'm struggling now with reconciling to this new human that I don't recognize, who continues to sometimes be dishonest with us and our family about things, and how to navigate that where we keep that bridge open at all times and offering grace and mercy while also being real. That's what I'm struggling with. Thank you.

    2. JFJefferson Fisher37:20

       All right. My answer is an answer you're probably not going to like because it's, it's going to be... might feel like a splash of cold water, but I'm doing it in love. One, you need to decide you still want to have her in your life or not. If she is, there's going to be some things you have to put up with. If she's not, then you get to choose to do something else for you. But you get to decide right now how much of this person you want in your life, okay? You've raised her. If you're seeing things you don't recognize, you get to choose to have that conversation with her and decide you want to keep her in your life, you're not going to keep her in life. It sounds like y- she still wants to be in your life and you're still there, you're just not exactly happy with it. Number two, you have to understand this is all the reason to love her all the more. Like, often when somebody is doing something you don't agree with, whether it's a friend, a relative, a child, a parent, and you don't agree with their course of action, you have the choice, do I cut them out or do I choose to love them? And here you have the opportunity to love them all the more because paradoxically, it's going to mean that she can trust you more, and that's the more you love her, the more she feels that, the bigger of a window, bigger door that's open for her to return that and to have deeper conversations you would never have if you said, "Oh, well, if you're not gonna follow my advice, then we're, we're cutting it goodbye." So you get to, you get to have... You get to make that decision. Nobody else can make that for you. And three, lastly, it's this idea of life isn't done. Maybe too early. You could be wrong. I'm not saying you are right now. I'm saying in the future you could be. Maybe they turn it around. Maybe they don't. But you got to give the chance for either one because I know people who were not a great match when they first got around, and now they're great because they had to work out some kinks. And there's just things in life that I think are ultimately very true with anybody. When somebody needs to learn a lesson, either they're gonna learn it from you or they're gonna learn it from life. And here it sounds like they didn't want to learn the lesson from you. So what's, what's gonna happen? Life is going to teach them. Something's going to happen where the lesson is ultimately gonna be from other sources outside of you. Now, I hear you saying with you're giving them all the grace and forgiveness, and I know you're... no doubt you're praying hard. That means you have to surrender things. You're gonna have to surrender that sense of control that you want to have over what you know is you want the best for your daughter and for the, the person she's chosen. Right? But you, you also have to surrender that and know that ultimately, if it's meant for good, good's gonna come out of it. And despite her not wanting to hear you and, and, and go through it, despite you not giving your blesson- blessing, you get to now say, "I'm gonna choose for her to be in my life, and the things that bother us, I'm going to trust." There's still, there's still a lot more to go in the race. There's a lot more left to go. And this lesson's gonna come at a time when it's meant to come. So I, I would hope that you would see there are bigger things at play. And maybe the answer you're looking for is the answer that's gonna be given years from now in a much more impactful way, in a much more meaningful way, in a way that is gonna affect the whole entire family for good. That's, that's how I believe, and it sounds that, that, that's something that would resonate with you. Thank you so much for the call.

Episode duration: 41:22