How to Respond When Someone Belittles You: Confidence Tips

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Handling belittling comments without losing your integrity

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      On today's episode, it is all about what to say when someone belittles you, when they try to say something to put you down, to hurt you. What do you say and how do you make sure that your own integrity stays intact? Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast and if you would, please leave a review. One exciting thing that I want

2. 0:30 – 1:00

   Book announcement: "The Next Conversation" and practical communication tools

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      to make sure that I mention is today is a very special day because it is the first day that my new book, my first book, called The Next Conversation, is out for presale. Uh, you can find it wherever you want to buy books. It's also gonna be an audiobook, but it is a book that no matter who you're talking to, whether it's a difficult conversation, just a heated discussion, or if you're just having a, a hard time communicating and you're not sure the, the basic foundations of what you need to be doing, you're gonna find

3. 1:00 – 1:30

   The 3-step framework: repeat it, question intent, or use silence

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:00

      all that and more in this book. I really poured my heart into it to make sure that I'm giving you practical strategies right out of the gate and experience from my own life that I know will help you. If you wanna pre-order it, I'm gonna make sure that the links are in the show notes there and you can also go to thenextconversation.com, thenextconversation.com, and you can order it there. When somebody is belittling you, the first thing that I want you to do is, number one, make them say it again. That's right. I want you to make them

4. 1:30 – 2:31

   Why "say that again" works: disrupting the dopamine/reaction loop

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:30

      say it again. That means you're going to tell them, "I need you to say that again. I need you to repeat that." When you make them say it again, they don't get that hit of dopamine that they're looking for. When somebody's belittling you to put you down, they're looking for that spike, uh, to get them going, to have that feeling of control. We're not going to give them that, so we're gonna talk about those strategies. Number two, if they belittle you and y- you ask them to say it again, then you're going to give them questions of intent. Questions of intent. Those are questions that ask them to have them search into the intent of why they're asking or why they're saying what they're saying. For example, "Did you intend to embarrass me? Did you want that to hurt me?" Again, we are withholding that hit of dopamine. And number three, if they have responses or they're gonna keep on going and if they're not a person that you feel safe around, number three, you just say nothing at all. You let your silence be your response because often when you say

5. 2:31 – 5:33

   Case story: deposition coaching and a real-time backtrack

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:31

      nothing at all, it's the most powerful move you can make. So one time I had a case, this was probably about two years ago, and I am training a client. And by the way, I train almost every client that I have in conflict advice, how to communicate in conflict, how to say things in a way that's gonna protect them. Because when they go, when I present them for cross-examination at trial or a deposition, in many ways I'm handing them off for somebody else to try to hurt their credibility, for somebody else to attack them. Those are the opposing attorneys. It sh- comes, it just comes part of the job. And what I did with this particular person was train her on when somebody belittles you. If they, other side, of which I knew the other attorney was, he was very critical. He was somebody that, uh, was, you know those type of people that just love to throw bombs in conversations just to aggravate you? It was very much like that. He was... I knew he was gonna wanna say something to upset her. He was gonna try to say something to cause a reaction. And so what I trained her in is making sure that she gets, uh, him to repeat whatever he said that was ugly in some way. And she, she seemed to understand it. We kind of practiced it a few times. But then, then on the day of the deposition, she made me so proud. So other attorney was asking her questions and he made a snide little comment. Most people in that situation, when somebody gives you a, a belittling comment, you wanna take it, right? You wanna take off with it and challenge them and start getting ugly with them. She didn't do that. Instead, what she did was she asked him, "Did you say that to embarrass me?" She goes, "Uh, I'm sorry, did you, did you say that to embarrass me?" Without, I mean, just immediately this other attorney goes, "Oh, no, no, no. I mean, no, I didn't mean to say that." And he totally backtracked in real time. I mean, I could not, I couldn't have wiped the grin off my face. All she asked was, "Did you intend to embarrass me?" These little tips really, really work. And I wanna go back to number one, and that is you ask them to repeat the belittling thing that they said. I know that sounds counterintuitive. You're gonna think, "Jefferson, what are you, what are you talking about? I'm gonna ha- I'm gonna have them repeat the, the belittling thing? I'm gonna make them say it again? I have to hear it twice?" Yes. Yes, and let me tell you why. When somebody makes a belittling comment, they are wanting that reaction out of you. All right? They are wanting some kind of response. When they say something to, um, hurt you, they, they, you're giving them that reaction by being hurt, by getting upset, by huffing and puffing, throwing something back, by yelling at them. That's what they want. Often when you ask them, "I need you to repeat that. I need you to say that again," they won't do it. They can't do it or they'll backtrack because they realize, "Oh, wait, they're not doing what I want them to do. They're not

6. 5:33 – 7:05

   Questions of intent: flipping the spotlight back onto the speaker

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:33

      taking the bait." And so often they can't repeat it that second time or they'll say it differently than they did. They'll, they'll rephrase their words. If by chance that they do say it again, now you know what you're dealing with, and that goes to number two. You ask questions of intent. And this can be used from the workplace, to home, to kids who are being bullied in some way. When you ask somebody, "Did you intend?" Did you intend, did you intend for that to embarrass me? Did you intend for that to upset me? Did you intend to hurt me? When you ask those questions, what it does is instead of the spotlight being on you and your behavior and how you're going to respond to that belittling comment, it goes back to them. Now the, the spotlight flips. It flips, and they have to ask themself these questions like a mirror. Why, why did I, why did I say that? Why did I do that? They're forced to now answer the intent behind the purpose behind their hurtful words. And so often when that happens, the other person will apologize or rephrase and say, "I didn't, I didn't mean it that way," or they'll move on. What the, the biggest key to this is you're not going anywhere. You're showing that you're standing your ground. You're not saying anything rude. You're not putting your integrity on the line. You're just asking them to see themselves by just saying, "Why did you do this? Did you intend to hurt me? Did you intend

7. 7:05 – 8:05

   When to go silent: safety, boundaries, and emotional maturity

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:05

      for that to upset me?" Because what you're telling them is, "Whatever you meant to do, it's not having that effect. Whatever you meant for that to be, you're not getting it," and they'll backtrack from it. Number three, if by chance they respond and say, "Yeah, I didn't mean to hurt you. Yeah, yeah, I didn't mean for that to embarrass you," understand that's not somebody you wanna be around, right? That's not somebody you want in your life. But the best thing that you can do often in th- in those situations is say nothing. Now, I don't mean that to say I'm not equipping you with any tools and just be a, you know, a, a, a wallflower, somebody just to be laid over. No. What I'm saying is often silence when you just look at them, it says, "I don't have to respond to anything that you said. It's not having that effect." And then their, their words ring hollow because there's... It's just n- nothing for them to, their words to stick onto. It's just nothing but an echo, and that's how you're gonna have something to where you're gonna be more powerful every single time. So let's run through a quick

8. 8:05 – 10:06

   Workplace example: responding to “Nobody asked you” in a meeting

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:05

      example. All right? Let's assume maybe you're at work in a team meeting or something, and you make a, a suggestion, and somebody makes a belittling comment. They say, "Nobody asked you," or, "Nobody cares." All right? Have you heard that before where somebody says, "Did I ask?" Or, uh, "Nobody cares. Nobody asked you." When you hear that, let's go number one, make them say it again. That means you're going to ask, "Can you repeat that?" Or, "Say that again for me. Say that again for me." They're gonna say, "Nobody asked you," if, if they actually have the guts to repeat it. Number two, gonna go to a question of intent like, "Do you say that to make me feel less? Do you make... Do you say that to make me feel small? Did you intend for that to embarrass me? Did you intend to dismiss my ideas? Do you say that to dismiss my ideas?" You see how you're taking what you perceive their action to be doing, and you reflect it back on them like a mirror. "Did you intend for that to hurt my feelings?" When you say that, they then have the spotlight all on them. They have the floor to either correct the issue, accept the issue and apologize, or double down on it, and whatever they say... Now, if they apologize, it's, it's up to you if you wanna accept that apology if it, if it's in a genuine apology, but if they double down on it, th- then don't feel the need to go back at them. Don't feel the need to say anything ugly. You just let it go silent because if other people are around, they're gonna be paying attention to your integrity. Other people are gonna be paying attention to how you're going to respond, and the person who is more emotionally mature every single time is the person who feels like they don't have to respond to disrespect. They don't have to respond to these things that are belittling or beneath them in some way, that you have this threshold of respect before you

9. 10:06 – 11:07

   Listener question: coworker makes “Not bad for an old lady” comparisons

   1. JFJefferson Fisher10:06

      respond to these kind of things. All right. We're at the part of the episode where I get to read a question from a follower. It's one of my favorite parts of the episode. If you're not part of my weekly newsletter, I send out an email once a week right to your inbox, and those who are part of the newsletter are able to email me questions. So that's where I get all these from. This one is from Carol. She's in Denmark. Let me pull it up. Carol says, "Hey, Jefferson. I love all of your advice." Thank you, Carol. "I have an issue with somebody at work. This is a colleague, a coworker of mine, and he likes to compare me to different things. For example, he would say, 'Not bad for an old lady,' or, 'Not bad for a blank.'" I'm guessing this is like comparing you to something else. "These are things that really bother me, and I, I like to try and wave them off, downplay them, but sometimes when I'm home alone, they really, really get under my skin. What do you suggest?" Carol,

10. 11:07 – 12:38

    Targeted advice for Carol: don’t laugh it off; calmly call it out

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:07

       I'm so sorry that, that, that happens. Um, I don't like that at all. I need to meet this person. The way you described it, it was a, a male coworker, and I don't wanna get into the differences on, on men, women, but what I can tell you is here are some basics that I want you to follow. Number one, Carol, you stay as calm as possible. Don't wave this off. Don't laugh it off. Absolutely not. Because when you laugh it off or you act like it's not a big deal, it, it does nothing to stop them from doing it again. They will continue to do it. This person will continue to say these belittling things, and that's often a, uh, a very belittling tactic is when somebody compares you to things. Uh, not bad for an ugly person. Not bad for somebody who's old and tired. Not bad for somebody who's X, Y, and Z. Or they might say, "You're s- you're so annoying. You're such an idiot." Um, you know, "You're not, not bad for the, uh, not the sharpest tool in the shed" kind of thing. These little things that they think are funny in that moment, and most likely he's doing it in front of other people trying to get some kind of laugh, trying to get attention. I want you to stop all of that. By remaining calm, like we talked about. Number one, remain completely calm about it and don't laugh it off. Number two, ask him a question. I, I, and I'm... This is the question: Did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to

11. 12:38 – 15:12

    Using repetition and strategic pauses to ‘expose’ the behavior

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:38

       hurt me? Make him question the purpose of why he's asking that. Did you say that because you thought it was funny? Did you say that to get a laugh? You can call this kind of behavior out very quickly by asking these questions of intent, like we talked about earlier in the episode. If that doesn't feel comfortable to you, Carol, you can always ask him to repeat that. So if he were to say something like, "You know what? That's not, not too bad for an old lady," I, um... He might not have said that in a way to be hurtful, but it's, man, it certainly can feel that way. And if you ask him to repeat it, say, "Say that again for me. I need you to say that again." All right? Man, he, he, he might feel that and go, "Oof, I can tell that's..." He's not gonna wanna say that again. Or if you've asked, "I need you to say that again slower for me," that, that means you're asking him to say, "Not bad for an old lady." He's probably never going to say that because it's gonna expose him. It's gonna put him too far out on a ledge. People don't like to feel like they're exposed in their bad behavior. That's what repeating, asking them to repeat it does. That's what asking them these questions of intent does. When they, um, when they go off on a ledge, they feel like, "Oh, everybody's listening to me. Everybody can tell." And when they feel that way, they hide. They hide because they know at that point they've gone too far. They've gone too far, Carol. So when that happens, don't smile, don't laugh it off, don't wave it off, don't try and be, uh, funny with it. I want you to just calmly ask the question, "Did you say that to embarrass me?" And just let that rest. Give it that silence. Don't feel like you have to rush. Don't let it bother you. Don't let it get you upset, 'cause that's what he wants. To be able to say, "Did you, did you say that to... because you thought it was funny?" And just halt, just let that hover right there in the air and see how he responds. Most likely, the result you're going to get, Carol, is he's not going to do that again. And at the end of the day, what you have demonstrated and shown him without even saying it is that you're the type of person that can stand your ground. You're the type of person that is not going to be pushed over. All right? You got it. Oh, also, I wanted to mention to everybody listening, the last time you saw me with that big microphone, 'cause I was,

12. 15:12 – 15:42

    Housekeeping: microphone feedback and studio update

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:12

       I'm testing out this, just different microphones to see how you liked it. Everybody on the audio-only version, like on Spotify and Apple, loved the new mic. Everybody on YouTube that can see the video hated the new mic 'cause they said it, it covered my face. So I am trying to do a mix of both here. We're just gonna figure it out. I, I love y'all for staying with me and trying this out. If you have any feedback on the episode itself, I'm, I'm always game, especially for any audio or video quality. Believe it or not, I'm actually

13. 15:42 – 16:48

    Recap: repeat, ask intent, or use silence to keep your integrity

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:42

       working on building a studio out for y'all, um, out behind my house. It's a part of my garage that I've been able to build out, so I'm, I'm working on it. I appreciate y'all's patience and always being with me. Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. Today's episode, we learned about how to deal with belittling comments. We're gonna, one, ask them to repeat it. Get them to say it again, because when they hear their words, they're gonna realize that they're saying it to hurt, and that's gonna leave them exposed. Number two, ask them questions of intent, like, "Did you mean or did you intend to do this? Did you intend to do that?" You're gonna call it out like a mirror on their behavior. And number three, understand that if you don't say anything at all, they have nothing else to grab onto. So let silence be your power. If you don't have anything to say, just don't say it. Don't worry about it. You're not gonna cower to it. You're not gonna feel less about this. You hold your integrity every single time. If, uh, you enjoyed this podcast, I'm gonna ask you, of course, that you follow it, and if you have any feedback or questions or topic suggestions, just leave them in the comments. And as always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 16:49