How To Shut Down Rude People Instantly | Jefferson Fisher

1. 0:00 – 1:00

   3 instant responses to rude comments: “Did you mean…”, checking questions, and strategic silence

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      The next time someone makes a rude comment towards you, here's what I want you to do. Number one, begin your response with the phrase, "Did you mean..." It's a question of intent, and we're gonna go into detail on that. Did you mean? Number two, if it's a more passive-aggressive type of rude comment, in other words, it's not directly at you, it's more off to the side and you know and they know it was meant for you, we're gonna have questions that check them. These are questions like, "Did I offend you in some way?" Or, "Are you doing all right? It sounds like you're having a, a hard day." There are ways that you can check them without coming across like you're also wanting to be rude. And number three, my personal favorite response to a rude comment is nothing at all. You respond with absolute silence. But there's a technique and a trick on how to do it correctly. And here's the thing about rude comments: they're tests. They're ways for the other person to test and assess what your temperature is. Can they get

2. 1:00 – 2:31

   Why trading insults is a losing game: the ‘card game’ escalation model

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:00

      a reaction out of you or not? So I want you to pretend it's like a card game, and you have a set of cards, they have a set of cards. When they first make that rude comment, they're playing a two. You have a choice. Do I play this game or do I not? Maybe you decide that you want to. You're gonna lay a four. Well, they're gonna lay another rude comment, and then they play a seven. And you go, "Okay, how far do I push this? How often... how far do we go in these rude comments between one another?" And that's a bad game to play because nobody wins. All right? Everybody's gonna lose in that game. One of you's gonna have to apologize, and it's typically the person who plays the last card. Whoever says the worst thing that shuts the game down is typically the person who is now the responsibility to apologize first, when you can end it all by just not playing the game. Uh, rude comments are like platforms to where if they say something rude and you say something rude, well, you've now just justified them in taking another step. You've now justified and said, uh... convinced them that you are every bit of the comment that they just made. Because now instead of being curious about it and saying, "Hey, where's this coming from?" Instead, you're doubling down on it, which makes it look like you're confirming what they said and saying, "Yeah, but even but, you're this and you're that, and you're X, Y, and Z." They're just gonna get more defensive, and then it's gonna continue to ramp up. So it's a losing game. Lose-lose situation. Don't do it. So let's assume that someone's made a rude comment towards you. Now, rude comments, in my

3. 2:31 – 3:32

   Defining ‘rude’ and choosing whether to respond (meeting example: “nice of you to finally show up”)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:31

      opinion, are ones that they're not terribly insulting, s- like super condescending, bad, bad things that you would say directly to somebody, but they're also not polite, they're not nice, they're not kind. They kind of fall in between, and usually they catch you off guard, that you're not expecting them in some way. And at that moment, you have a decision. Do I respond or do I not respond? And the answer depends on the context. It also depends on the relationship. But let's assume in this situation, w- y- you're walking into a meeting and you have somebody that you know is r- y- you two really don't get along all that much, but they make this comment. They say, "Well, it's nice of you to finally show up." In that moment, you know that's a dig. The other people around know that's a dig. But they may not know the history between you two, so you're stuck in this situation of, what do I say? Because if I'm ugly and I bring up past stuff, the people around you aren't gonna understand. But they will understand if you decide to be rude right in that moment. So how you respond

4. 3:32 – 5:04

   Technique #1: “Did you mean…” as a question of intent (and why it works)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:32

      matters. What I like to suggest, and number one, is you use the question, "Did you mean..." And you insert different ways to respond. For example, "Did you mean for that to sound rude? Did you mean to embarrass me? Did you mean to upset me?" When you say, "Did you mean," you give them a chance to clarify. You give them a chance to assess what they just said. It's a question of intent, meaning you wanna find out, what was your intent in saying that? What, what were you trying to achieve by making that comment? And so when you say things that are questions of intent, you make them double back on what they said. And often you can avoid an argument altogether. Because let's assume that this person who made this comment, well, they're not really just... They weren't really trying to be ugly. It came out the wrong way. That's not what they were really trying to say. So when you say, "D- did you mean to, to embarrass me?" Or, "Did you mean for that to sound offensive or rude?" Nine times out of 10, when you call them to the mat on that kind of question, they'll say, "Oh, no, no. What, what I meant to say was..." Or, "No, no, no. What I meant to do..." And they try and clarify or they backtrack or they, they further explain, and that makes you look more wise. It looks like you have integrity. It looks like you're the one that's being the bigger person by checking it rather than just assuming their intent on it. And I also want to explain that this works really well with

5. 5:04 – 6:05

   Using “Did you mean…” in text and email to prevent tone-based blowups

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:04

      text or email. How many times have you been in a communication with someone and the text just read the wrong way? You ever had somebody just say, "K," or, "Okay," when y- you all of a sudden just felt like, "Oh, that's just them being dismissive. Th- they're not really taking me seriously"? And automatically, you just wanna shut them off. You go, "Oh, okay, fine. I don't have to be like that." Easy way to check that is for you to text, "Did you mean for that to be short? Did you mean for that to sound like you're upset?" Often they'll clarify that and say, "No, no, no, no. I, I was just in the middle of something," or, "I was, I was, uh, during an errand. I was making a cup of coffee, and I just wanted to let you know that I got the text." So often you can have this sense of giving grace to other people by just simply asking the question and setting up the phrase, "Did you mean?" It can really put out arguments before they even start. And I also want you to dial in on passive-aggressive comments that are rude.

6. 6:05 – 7:36

   Technique #2: Catch passive-aggressive comments with “It sounds like…” / “Is there more to that?”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:05

      Passive-aggressive comments, as you know, they're not direct, meaning they don't feel comfortable in their personality to say things to your face. Instead, they will say them in a way that's kinda snarky and snide off to the side because they don't feel comfortable saying them directly to, to face-to-face. So here's what I mean. Let's assume you're in a conversation with someone, and they make this comment. "I mean, it'd be nice, you know, if somebody cared." You both know it's aimed towards you, but instead they couch it in terms of, "It'd be nice if somebody cared." How you deal with that is you pull them out of their current environment, meaning you have to make them step back in the conversation, understanding what they just said. So if they were to make that comment, "It would be nice if somebody cared," you respond with a question that checks them like this: "It sounds like there's more to that. It sounds like there's more to that." In that moment, you're pulling them out, and they go, "Oh, wait, what did I just say?" And you're calling them to the mat in a way that says, "What exactly are you trying to say? Do you understand what you just said? It sounds like there's more to what you're telling me." In other words, I'm, I'm catching this passive-aggressive behavior, and I'm not just going to let it fly by. Another way to ask is, "It sounds like you're having a, a hard day," or, "It sounds like we need to have a- another discussion," or, "We need to talk a little bit more." Using these phrases like, "It sounds like," "It seems like," and throwing things

7. 7:36 – 9:36

   Technique #3: Four-second silence + the ‘counsel table’ mindset

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:36

      out there in a way that encourage them to talk more is going to get you a whole lot farther than just saying, "Oh, y- you're talking about me? Oh, you wish I cared? Let me tell you about..." That's gonna just make it even worse, so instead, you're gonna catch them with questions that say, uh, "it sounds like" or "it seems like." Now, okay, now my favorite. Number three is to respond with silence, but there is a trick, a technique that I like to do, and that is to count... Well, you don't have to count, but it needs to last four seconds. Four seconds is enough to be defined as a long pause, meaning if somebody were to make a rude comment towards you, you're going to look at them for four seconds. One, two, three, four. Enough to give a look of almost puzzlement as if you find it curious. And what you're doing in those four seconds is you're saying, "I heard it. I listened to it. I evaluated it, and I have concluded that it is not worthy of a response from me. It's not something I'm even going to entertain. It's not something I'm even going to put back into this world. It is just going to fall aside." A nice, uh, idea that you can have in your mind, a mindset of it, as if you have a desk off to the side. What I talk with my clients is it's a counsel desk. You're an attorney. You're standing up, and you have a counsel desk. When somebody gives you something that you don't want and you know it's rude, you take that piece of paper that's their words, and without even looking on it, you set it to the side on the counsel table as if you say, "No, I know my truth. I know my presence. I know my purpose here. I'm gonna take what you've just said that I know to be rude 'cause I've listened to it, I heard it, I considered it, I weighed it, and I'm just putting it right here on the counsel table." And that's the best way to handle those rude comments, just nothing but silence. Okay, now we're at, at the portion of the episode

8. 9:36 – 12:08

   Listener Q&A: Handling short, blunt work emails without assuming tone

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:36

      where I get to read an email from a follower. Uh, if you have not already signed up, you can sign up there in the show notes for my newsletter. It's a weekly newsletter where I send out a communication to, once a week right to your inbox, short and sweet, typically three points, and I'm gonna read one right now. So this one is from Amy. She's over in Paris. That's awesome. Uh, y'all, y'all should be getting ready for the Olympics, right? The, the Olympics I think are starting, like, in a week. Uh, she says, "Hey, Jefferson. Love your stuff." Thanks, Amy. "I have a problem with a colleague who always emails very short sentences. I try not to take them personally, but I have a tough time with it. Is there something I can do to make her emails not so short?" Amy, totally gotcha. You're not the only one that has this problem. Um, in the business world, we value expedient- expediency, where we like everything to be very fast. We want very quick, short. You have Slack. You have different ways of instant messaging people, so having very short few-word responses are pretty normal. But I... One, I commend you on not taking them personally because that's, that can go to a negative spot, a dark place very quickly. Here's what I want you to do. Like, just what we talked about earlier in this episode, you can use, "Did you mean?" So if you were to reply to something, if she said something very short and you felt it to be dismissive or you felt it be a negative feeling inside you when you, when you read that, you can always clear it up with a, "Did you mean?" "Did you mean for that to sound short?" Question mark, and send that. What you don't want to do, what I don't want you to do is start assuming, is to start assuming the intent, that you start to just have a, an email that is four sentences, six sentences long, where you all of a sudden have a paragraph where you're trying to just assume and guess what this person meant, or you're assuming a certain tone, and so you're sending it back to this person in a negative light. Don't do that. Just very quickly say, "Did you mean for that to sound short?" It sh- it should be cleared up pretty quickly. Another thing that you can do that it's gonna depend on your relationship with this person is to ask them for more context. "Can you go further? Can you go a little deeper into that?" Ask those questions, those probing questions that make them, uh, uh, give you more Information. To just like, "Can I have some more context with that?" Question mark. You don't need something, uh, long and detailed to say, "Hey, I

9. 12:08 – 15:10

   Listener Q&A: Passive-aggressive mom at family functions—checking with grace

   1. JFJefferson Fisher12:08

      am so sorry," which is over-apologizing, right? Like we talked about in the prior episode. Instead of saying, "Hey, I'm so sorry. Um, I'm not really sure exactly what you're saying. I wonder if you're asking this. Are you asking that?" That's too much. Just keep it short, to the point. You got this, Amy. Okay, I got time for another one. This one is from Paul in Arizona. Paul says, "Hey, Jefferson. Love your stuff, man." Thanks, Paul. Appreciate it. "I have a mother that likes to make rude comments under her breath that are kind of passive aggressive a lot of the times at family functions. I'm not sure how best to handle it. What do you suggest?" [sighs] Oh, Paul. Sorry about that. That's, um, that's tricky. Mamas are tricky. A lot of emotion, a lot of history, a lot of feelings wrapped up in that. Here's what I can tell you. Uh, if this is a mama that loves you, which I'm assuming that it is, uh, you wanna make sure that whatever you say is kind back. So when you're ugly to somebody and when you're rude, often what it does, uh, like we discussed, is make them jump. So if you say something rude, well, now she feels like she's justified in saying something a little bit more direct that's not so under her breath. And you have to be also careful of the context. You have family around, maybe other kids around, so you wanna be careful of that. Real quick way, if she's making these passive aggressive comments, is that rule number two, step number two, where you get to say, "There sounds like there's more to that, Mom. Mom, it sounds like there's more to what you're saying." Or ask the question, "Is there more to what you're saying?" When you're asking that question, "Is there more?" it's you not just taking her comment as something offensive for you to al- automatically get defensive about. Instead, you're taking a moment to be curious about what she said, and diving deeper into, "I want to know more, because I can tell this is coming from a place that is unresolved. I can tell this is coming from a place that's, that's deeper than what we're talking about." So when you have that moment, just check her by bringing her out of that environment and say, "It sounds like we, there's something that else that we need to discuss." And often that will take care of it altogether. But bottom line is, depending on the context, and of course, because it's your mother, uh, you wanna make sure that you approach a situation with a lot of grace and a lot of patience. So what are we gonna do the next time that someone makes a comment that is rude toward you? All right. Number one, you're gonna remember the, "Did you mean?" The, "Did you mean for that to sound rude? Did you mean for that to hurt my feelings?" You're gonna find a way to, to be a mirror so that they can hear what they've said and see if they're gonna clarify it and fix it, and that will often remove the argument. You can also, when we're talking about number two, passive aggressive comments, check them by pulling them out of their current environment to say, "It seems like," or, "It sounds like." "It sounds like you're having a hard day. It seems like there's more to what you're saying." Getting them to come to bring to light what they're really trying to say. And number three, of course, anybody can do it, and that's to say nothing. Count in your head four

10. 15:10 – 16:11

    When it becomes belittling: make them repeat it, then ask intent, then go silent

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:10

       seconds, and then continue on with your day. And that's how to handle rude comments. When somebody is belittling you, the first thing that I want you to do is, number one, make them say it again. That's right. I want you to make them say it again. That means you're going to tell them, "I need you to say that again. I need you to repeat that." When you make them say it again, they don't get that hit of dopamine that they're looking for. When somebody's belittling you to put you down, they're looking for that spike, uh, to get them going, to have that feeling of control. We're not going to give them that, so we're gonna talk about those strategies. Number two, if they belittle you and th- you ask them to say it again, then you're going to give them questions of intent. Questions of intent. Those are questions that ask them to have them search into the intent of why they're asking or why they're saying what they're saying. For example, "Did you intend to embarrass me? Did you want that to hurt me?" Again, we are withholding that hit of dopamine.

11. 16:11 – 24:17

    Real-world deposition story: intent questions can make aggressors backtrack on the spot

    1. JFJefferson Fisher16:11

       And number three, if they have responses or they're gonna keep on going, and if they're not a person that you feel safe around, number three, you just say nothing at all. You let your silence be your response, because often, when you say nothing at all, it's the most powerful move you can make. So one time I had a, a case, this was probably about two years ago, and I am training a client. And by the way, I train almost every client that I have in conflict advice, how to communicate in conflict, how to say things in a way that's gonna protect them. Because when they go, when I present them for cross-examination at trial or a deposition, in many ways, I'm handing them off for somebody else to try to hurt their credibility, for somebody else to attack them. Those are the opposing attorneys. It sh- comes, it just comes part of the job. And what I did with this particular person was train her on when somebody belittles you. If they, other side, if... Which I knew the other attorney was, he was very critical. He was somebody that, uh, was, you know those type of people that just love to throw bombs in conversations just to aggravate you? It was very much like that. He was... I knew he was gonna wanna say something to upset her. He was gonna try to say something to cause a reaction. And so what I trained her in is making sure that she gets, uh, him to repeat whatever he said that was ugly in some way. And she, she seemed to understand it. We kinda practiced it a few times. But then, then on the day of the deposition, she made me so proud. So other attorney was asking her questions, and he made a snide little comment. Most people in that situation, when somebody gives you a, a, a belittling comment, you wanna take it, right? You wanna take off with it and challenge them and start getting ugly with them. She didn't do that. Instead, what she did was she asked him, "Did you say that to embarrass me?" She goes, "I'm, I'm sorry, did you, did you say that to embarrass me?" Without, I mean, just immediately, this other attorney goes, "Oh, no, no, no. I mean, no, I didn't mean to say that." And he totally backtracked in real time. I mean, I could not, I couldn't have wiped the grin off my face. All she asked was, "Did you intend to embarrass me?" These little tips really, really work. And I wanna go back to number one, and that is you ask them to repeat the belittling thing that they said. I know that sounds counterintuitive. You're gonna think, "Jefferson, what are you, what are you talking about? I'm gonna ha- I'm gonna have them repeat the, the belittling thing? I'm gonna make them say it again? I have to hear it twice?" Yes. Yes, and let me tell you why. When somebody makes a belittling comment, they are wanting that reaction out of you. All right? They are wanting some kinda response. When they say something to, um, hurt you, they, they... You're giving them that reaction by being hurt, by getting upset, by huffing and puffing, throwing something back, by yelling at them. That's what they want. Often when you ask them, "I need you to repeat that. I need you to say that again," they won't do it. They can't do it, or they'll backtrack because they realize, "Oh, wait, they're not doing what I want them to do. They're not taking the bait." And so often they can't repeat it that second time, or they'll say it differently than they did. They'll, they'll rephrase their words. If by chance that they do say it again, now you know what you're dealing with, and that goes to number two. You ask questions of intent, and this can be used from the workplace, to home, to kids who are being bullied in some way. When you ask somebody, "Did you intend, did you intend, did you intend for that to embarrass me? Did you intend for that to upset me? Did you intend to hurt me?" When you ask those questions, what it does is instead of the spotlight being on you and your behavior and how you're going to respond to that belittling comment, it goes back to them. Now the, the spotlight flips. It flips, and they have to ask themself these questions like a mirror. "Why, why did I, why did I say that? Why did I do that?" They're forced to now answer the intent behind, the purpose behind their hurtful words. And so often when that happens, the other person will apologize or rephrase or say, "I didn't, I didn't mean it that way," or they'll move on. What the, the biggest key to this is you're not going anywhere. You are showing that you're standing your ground. You're not saying anything rude. You're not putting your integrity on the line. You're just asking them to see themselves by just saying, "Why did you do this? Did you intend to hurt me? Did you intend for that to upset me?" Because what you're telling them is, "Whatever you meant to do, it's not having that effect. Whatever you meant for that to be, you're not getting it," and they'll backtrack from it. Number three, if by chance they respond and say, "Yeah, I did mean to hurt you. Yeah. Yeah, I did mean for that to embarrass you," understand that's not somebody you wanna be around, right? That's not somebody you want in your life. But the best thing that you can do often in th- in those situations is say nothing. Now, I don't mean that to say I'm not equipping you with any tools and just be a, you know, a, a wallflower, somebody just to be laid over. No. What I'm saying is often silence, when you just look at them, it says, "I don't have to respond to anything that you said. It's not having that effect." And then their, their words ring hollow because there's just nothing for them to, their words to stick onto. It's just nothing but an echo. And that's where you're gonna have something to where you're gonna be more powerful every single time. So let's run through a quick example. All right? Let's assume maybe you're at work in a team meeting or something, and you make a, a suggestion, and somebody makes a belittling comment. They say, "Nobody asked you," or, "Nobody cares." All right? Have you heard that before where somebody says, "Did I ask?" Or, uh, "Nobody cares. Nobody asked you." When you hear that, let's go number one, make them say it again. That means you're going to ask, "Can you repeat that?" Or, "Say that again for me. Say that again for me." They're gonna say, "Nobody asked you," if, if they actually have the guts to repeat it. Number two, gonna go to a question of intent like, "Do you say that to make me feel less? Do you make, do you say that to make me feel small? Did you intend for that to embarrass me? Did you intend to dismiss my ideas? Do you say that to dismiss my ideas?" You see how you're taking what you perceive their action to be doing, and you reflect it back on them like a mirror. "Did you intend for that to hurt my feelings?" When you say that, they then have the spotlight all on them. They have the floor to either correct the issue, accept the issue and apologize, or double down on it. And whatever they say... Now, if they apologize, it's, it's up to you if you wanna accept that apology if it, if it's in a genuine apology. But if they double down on it, then don't feel the need to go back at them. Don't feel the need to say anything ugly. You just let it go silent. Because if other people are around, they're gonna be paying attention to your integrity. Other people are gonna be paying attention to how you're going to respond, and the person who is more emotionally mature every single time is the person who feels like they don't have to respond to disrespect. They don't have to respond to these things that are belittling or beneath them in some way, that you have this threshold of respect before you respond to these kinda things. All right, we're at the part of the episode where I get to read a question from a follower. It's one of my favorite... ... parts of the episode, if you're not part of my weekly newsletter, I send out an email once a week right to your inbox, and those who are part of the newsletter are able to

12. 24:17 – 28:51

    Listener Q&A: workplace ‘comparisons’ and humiliating jokes—don’t laugh it off

    1. JFJefferson Fisher24:17

       email me questions. So that's where I get all these from. This one is from Carol. She's in Denmark. Let me pull it up. Carol says, "Hey, Jefferson. I love all of your advice." Thank you, Carol. "I have an issue with somebody at work. This is a colleague, a coworker of mine, and he likes to compare me to different things. For example, he would say, 'Not bad for an old lady,' or, 'Not bad for a blank.'" I'm guessing this is like comparing you to something else. "These are things that really bother me, and I, I like to try and wave them off, downplay them, but sometimes when I'm home alone, they really, really get under my skin. What do you suggest?" Carol, I'm so sorry that that, that happens. Um, I don't like that at all. I need to meet this person. The way you described it, it was a, a male coworker, and I don't wanna get into the differences on, on men, women, but what I can tell you is here are some basics that I want you to follow. Number one, Carol, you stay as calm as possible. Don't wave this off. Don't laugh it off. Absolutely not. Because when you laugh it off or you act like it's not a big deal, it, it does nothing to stop them from doing it again. They will continue to do it. This person will continue to say these belittling things, and that's often a, a, a very belittling tactic is when somebody compares you to things. Uh, not bad for an ugly person. Not bad for somebody who's old and tired. Not bad for somebody who's X, Y, and Z. Or they might say, "You're s- you're so annoying. You're such an idiot." Um, you know, "You're not, not bad for the, uh, not the sharpest tool in the shed" kinda thing. These little things that they think are funny in that moment, and most likely he's doing it in front of other people trying to get some kinda laugh, trying to get attention. I want you to stop all of that by remaining calm like we talked about. Number one, remain completely calm about it and don't laugh it off. Number two, ask him a question. I, I, and I'm... This is the question: "Did you say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to hurt me?" Make him question the purpose of why he's asking that. "Did you say that because you thought it was funny? Did you say that to get a laugh?" You can call this kinda behavior out very quickly by asking these questions of intent like we talked about earlier in the episode. If that doesn't feel comfortable to you, Carol, you can always ask him to repeat that. So if he were to say something like, "You know what? That's not, not too bad for an old lady," I, um... He might not have said that in a way to be hurtful, but it's, man, it certainly can feel that way. And if you ask him to repeat it, say, "Say that again for me. I need you to say that again." All right? Man, he, he, he might feel that and go, "Oof, I can tell that's..." He's not gonna wanna say that again. Or if you've asked, "I need you to say that again slower for me," that, that means you're asking him to say, "Not bad for an old lady." He's probably never going to say that because it's gonna expose him. It's gonna put him too far out on a ledge. People don't like to feel like they're exposed in their bad behavior. That's what repeating, asking them to repeat it does. That's what asking them these questions of intent does. When they, um, when they go off on a ledge, they feel like, "Oh, everybody's listening to me. Everybody can tell." And when they feel that way, they hide. They hide because they know at that point they've gone too far. They've gone too far, Carol. So when that happens, don't smile, don't laugh it off, don't wave it off, don't try and be, uh, funny with it. I want you to just calmly ask the question, "Did you say that to embarrass me?" And just let that rest. Give it that silence. Don't feel like you have to rush. Don't let it bother you. Don't let it get you upset, 'cause that's what he wants. To be able to say, "Did you, did you say that to... because you thought it was funny?" And just ha- just let that hover right there in the air and see how he responds. Most likely, the result you're going to get, Carol, is he's not going to do that again. And at the end of the day, what you have demonstrated and shown him without even saying it is that

13. 28:51 – 38:29

    Handling dismissive follow-ups: “I was just joking,” “Don’t take it personally,” “Don’t be so sensitive”

    1. JFJefferson Fisher28:51

       you're the type of person that can stand your ground. You're the type of person that is not going to be pushed over. All right? You got it. These are what I call dismissive comments in that they are dismissing your feelings, trying to dismiss any consequence of what they said. And i- in many ways, I want you to see these comments as them trying to control the eventual outcome. Imagine somebody, imagine me just punching you in the arm, and you go, "Ow." And I go, "That didn't hurt." You ever had that happen maybe as a kid growing up or you have a, a sibling? I know I- I'm, I'm the oldest of four, and that definitely happened when you're roughhousing, you're wrestling. You do something, and you go, "That didn't hurt." And they go, "Ah, what do you, what do you mean that didn't hurt?" So I want you to imagine that in your mind, that somebody's hit you in the arm, and then they tell you, "That didn't hurt," as if they get to decide that, "Yeah, I hit you in the arm, but it didn't hurt, so no, no harm, no foul," right? You are the one that gets to decide that, and we're gonna talk about these techniques on each one of these. And I, I want you to emphasize the idea that they don't get to say the outcome. They don't get to say the consequence. You do. They don't get to say what hurts. You do, right? You with me? All right, let's go. So first up is, "I was just joking." I was just joking. It's just a joke. I hear that all the time. I know that you do too. When you get that dismissive comment back to you on something, "I was just joking," here's what I want you to do. Play off of this. If they wanna make it a joke, then it better be funny. So what I like to say is, if somebody tells you, "I was just joking," you respond, "Then make it funnier." Then make it funnier. Easy as that. That's number one. Number two, you could easily say, "Then work on your material, or find new material." How about that? Then find new material. In other words, don't be making a joke about me. Don't be joke, making a joke about something else. If they try to say, uh, something that is hurtful to you, let's say they made a comment about your looks, or your weight, or your age, or whatever it is, and then you kinda take offense to that, and they go, "Th- hey, it was just a joke," okay? As if all of a sudden they've taken away any stinger that they have. When they make that kinda stuff, you say, "Well, then find new material," or, "Was that supposed to be of the funny kind? Was that supposed to be funny? Hey, it was just a joke." Then be funnier. Then find new content. Then find new material. A- any way that you can play off the word of a joke is going to, to work to your advantage. My favorite is, "Then be funnier," because it is a reminder right there in that moment of, if you wanted this to be a joke, that's not what it is. This, you can't just tailor a dismissive comment that's meant to be hurtful to me and just call it a joke and make sure everything is, then we're all good. Then we're all good. No, no harm, no foul, like I talked about. When that kinda stuff happens, easily twist it back on them as, "Was that supposed to be funny?" Or, "Was that a, the funny kind of joke?" Whenever you can ask those k- those kinda things and put them on their heels to say, "That's, that's not gonna pass with me." Number two, one of my least favorite is, "Don't take it personally." Hey, don't take it personally. Like, c- come on. Y- well, then, then don't say it personally. What do y- what do you mean, don't take it personally? You've just said it to my face. How, [laughs] how can it not be any more personal? Um, i- it is, to me, one of the just, a total withdrawal of all accountability, of any ability to say, "Look, that, that was on me. You know what? I shouldn't have said that," instead of this, "Don't take it personally." I, I can't stand that comment. Here is some things that I like to use, and I know you can use them too. I get to decide that. I love that one because it is very immediate and clear where the boundaries are. Somebody says something to you, and then they go, "Look, don't, don't take it personally." You respond, "I get to decide that." It's the whole thing of hitting you in the arm kinda concept of, look, I, I get to decide to take it personally or not. Don't, don't tell me how to take something. If you're gonna send the paper airplane, I, I have a choice of how I'm going to catch it or if I let it fall. If you're gonna throw the, the ball at me, I, I get to choose whether I wanna catch it or I don't. It's, it's all within my choice. So having that idea of, I get to decide that, puts you in the control seat every single time. Another that I like to use with don't take it personally is don't say it personally. Don't say it personally, or then say it differently. That one is a comeback that you can use with all kinds of different dismissive comments, but I like that specifically with don't take it personally because of, it sounds like alliteration in a way. We say personally, differently. They both have the, the adverb L-Y in them, and I feel that they, um, they're great at... It's a great little comeback to say, "Look, if you don't want me to take it personally, then say it differently. Say it again. Say it a different way." It's a very strong, straight-up front to say, "Look, if you don't want me to take something personally, then try again. Take it, say it differently." Okay, number three is don't be so sensitive. Mm. You heard that one? I know I have. Don't be so sensitive. And I, to be honest, I've definitely been one that's said that too, and that wasn't fair. Say, "Don't be so sensitive," it is this idea that you go, "Look, don't... Can you just let things go for a bit? I just said something, all right? Do you have to turn everything into a fight? Do you have to do this?" There is a toxic element of that type of dialogue because, yes, you wanna control the reaction. That's understandable, but th- that is just part of the battle. That means you're not doing the work up front to think about the consequence of what you're saying or to think about how your words sound. You just expect them to go how you want them to go. You want everybody to react how you expect them to react in your head, and that's not fair. So when you say the phrase, "Don't be so sensitive," understand everybody is sensitive. Everybody is sensitive. It just depends on the topic. It depends on the context. It depends on the environment. So it's, it's subjective to everybody. So let that be what it's going to be. But when they say, "Don't be so sensitive," one thing that you can do that I love to u- to do is play off the word sense. S-E-N-S-E. Say sense. So they say, "Don't be so sensitive." No, I'm, I'm sensing X, Y, and Z. So if somebody were to say, "Hey, look, it's just a joke. Don't, don't be so sensitive," you can reply, "No, I'm just sensing you're not that funny." You see what I mean? If somebody were to, to say an inappropriate comment, and they go, "L- look, don't... Look, I just said it. Don't, don't, don't be so sensitive," you can reply, "Uh, uh, no, I'm just sensing that you and I have a different idea of what's appropriate to say out loud." You feel the difference? Here you're not getting upset. You're not getting defensive. You are playing off of their words. Oh, I'm, don't be sensitive? No, I'm, I'm sensing. I'm sensing X, Y, and Z, and that's gonna put you in a much better position to stay steady rather than a weaker position. And the key to each one of these replies that I'm suggesting for you to try is that you cannot let yourself become defensive. I know that's easier said than done, but I want you to play it out. If you were to automatically... Somebody says, "Don't be so sensitive," and you're like, "I'm s- sensitive? I'm not sensitive. What are you talking about?" That's getting defensive, and all of a sudden you sound weaker and they sound stronger. Let me put it differently. They sound right and you sound wrong. You hear it? If you were to say, "I'm not sensitive. What are, what are you talking about? Me? I'm not, I'm not sensitive," they sound stronger, you sound weaker. Instead, when you can stay exactly where you are and say, "No, I'm, I'm just sensing that y- you and I have a different idea of, of what's okay to say to each other," oof, I mean, that is, that is a verbal punch. I mean, that, that is a, such a stronger position to keep in that instance. So any time that somebody says, "Don't take it personally," and you, "Pff," you scoff at that, you get upset at that, you look weaker. If they were to say, "Don't be so sensitive," if, if they were to say anything else that is a dismissive comment, like, "It was just a joke," and you, "J- Joke? That, that..." And you start to get sw- sw- uh, you swell up about it and get defensive and start putting up your walls, the more it looks like you are exactly what they say you are. The more it looks like you're more sensitive. The more it looks like you're taking it, uh, literally, that you are everything that they say. So you have to make sure that you keep your breath calm, right? And I want you to stay exactly where you are. Try your best to not get defensive. It will really, really make a difference. Now we're at my favorite part of the podcast, and that's where I get to read a question from a follower. Those that are part of my newsletter are able to email me and ask me questions, and in return, I'm able to respond to them. So if you wanna be part of that, in the show notes, you'll see the

14. 38:29 – 43:02

    Sponsor + listener Q&A: shutting down ‘just joking’ at work with “I’m surprised…”

    1. JFJefferson Fisher38:29

       links for the newsletter. I'm also pumped to say that my, this portion of the podcast is sponsored by a company called Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth makes cozy things, and I said yes to them as a sponsor because I use their stuff. Their bedsheets are on my bed. I didn't even realize it when I got into the car, but this is a Cozy Earth sweatshirt, believe it or not. I, I had no clue. I didn't even think about it. But it's just cozy. It's, it's warm, it's fuzzy, and especially going into the cold holidays, it, uh, it really is something that I enjoy. So if you are somebody who also likes cozy things [laughs] like me, I want you to go to cozyearth.com/jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. Just use the code Jefferson, 40% off, cozyearth.com/jefferson. And my wife loves their pajamas. Those are her new favorite thing right now. All right, we're gonna go into the, the call. So this is a, a follower. Let me pull it up. This is Scott from Detroit. Where's Detroit? Is that near, uh, Michigan. Michigan, of course, Detroit. Uh, I feel like I should Google that probably, but, um, before I just say that... And yes, it is in Michigan. Oh, I was gonna be so embarrassed and have to redo this. All right, so this is Scott. Scott says, "Hey, bro." Hey, bro. "Love your content. I have a problem at work. There's somebody next to me who always likes to say, 'I was just joking.'" So it's a guy who says, "I'm just joking" to everything. "Not really sure how to come back to that. I kind of just laugh it off, but it's starting to get really annoying, and any tips would help." Scott in Detroit, Michigan, I got you, man. So this is what I, I want you to, to do. Any time that somebody is doing that, "I was just joking," like we talked about earlier in the episode, you can say, "Well, then be funnier" or "Then find new material." In more personal settings sometimes, it f- it might feel too direct. It might feel... Like, if you were to tell the guy next to you in the cubicle or wherever you are at work and you go, "Then be, be funnier, dude," it, that might hurt your relationship. Understand sometimes that's okay because they need to understand where their boundaries are in that relationship. If there's other ways that you find that this is increasingly getting hurt, uh, it's hurting you, it's hurting the dynamic, it's hurting productivity in your whole workplace, then you gotta say something. You gotta do it. So you can always try the, "Then be funnier" or "Then work on your material" or something to that effect. Or here's another one that I, I encourage you to use, Scott, and this one is, "I'm surprised" or "I'm surprised by that." So if he was saying something, he's like, "I'm just, I was just joking, just joking," well, you go, "I'm s- well, I'm surprised." "What do you mean?" Say, "I'm, I'm, I'm just surprised." And they go, "Surprised by what?" In other words, you're gonna continue this dialogue a little bit. Just at that, he might already start to try and fix what he said. If you go, "What? What are you... Well, I'm, I'm surprised," automatically he might already start to fumble over his words, might try and retract and go, "Oh, w- w- what I meant to say was..." and, and steer away from it and fix it and realize, "Oh, I'm not gonna do that again." But if you continue this dialogue, you can easily say, like, "I'm, I'm just surprised you, I'm surprised you went with that. I'm surprised you went with that." That's the one. Say, "I'm surprised." You have a little bit of interaction. You go, "I'm just surprised you, you went with that one." You hear that? It's them not knowing what to do. That's what that sound is, and all they know is, "I'm not gonna be joking around with Scott again in that way." Not that you can't be funny, not that you can't have this interaction, but when it gets to be hurtful, you have to put up some kind of wall, a barrier, an instruction manual to say, "This is not okay with me So one that I want you to use, Scott, next time that happens is you go, "I'm surprised. I'm surprised by that." Eventual thing is, "I'm surprised you went with that. I'm surprised you think that's okay." You hear it? When you say, "I'm surprised," you can come up with any response that you want, Scott. I'm just a guy giving you some suggestions, but if you can say, "I'm surprised by that," and then you're engaged, you have them,

15. 43:02 – 54:40

    Sounding confident: remove fluff, fix uptalk, and tighten word choice

    1. JFJefferson Fisher43:02

       and just say, "I'm surprised you, you went with that," or, "Surprised you think that's okay," or, "I'm surprised that you've said that out loud." See the difference? Now you don't have to have that, "Ha ha ha, oh, that's a good one," that kinda interaction when you know that's not genuine, and you know it's fake, and most of all, Scott, you know that it's tearing down your self-esteem. So I'd go with that, and, uh, I think it's gonna work out really well for you. If you wanna sound more confident, do this. Number one, eliminate the fluff. Eliminate the fluff. You know what I'm talking about. Fluff is that kind of, "Well, I mean, you know, it's, it's just this, um, it's just this, I mean, you know, it's, it's, um, uh," fluff. Fluff that absolutely kills the confidence in your responses. Number two, we're gonna work on uptalk. That is where you begin to increase in the tone of your voice, almost like you're asking a question. Instead of saying something like this, it sounds kind of like this. At the end of your sentences, the uptalk, and that's not good because it makes it sound like everything you're saying is a question, like you're uncertain about it. And number three, we're gonna work on word choice. That means we're going to eliminate ending your sentences with, "You know what I mean?" We're going to eliminate using the word just all the time, and we're going to minimize your reliance on adverbs. Those are words that end in L-Y, literally. Now, I wanna be clear. There is a difference between talking to friends and talking in a professional setting, period. When you're talking to people that are close to you, who cares about fluff words? If you are fumbling over your words and you're saying um, and you know, and, uh, I mean, or maybe, you know. Anytime you're saying that to a friend, no problem. It's casual. It's comfortable. It's part of the conversation. But if you're talking in a professional setting, maybe at work, maybe in front of, uh, an important group. Do you hear how I just said that? In, uh, an important group. Then it's not that, not great for you because it makes it sound as if you are uncertain, like you're hesitant, like you're not sure what you're wanting to say. But in regular conversation, it's, it's part of the game. Now, about fluff. Fluff comes in all shapes and sizes, and I want you to think about it as if it is static. It's a filler. They call them filler words. I like to say fluff. Um, they also are ways of thinking about it of too much ice in your drink because they dilute your message. If you wanna sound confident, you gotta serve your words straight. So when you begin a sentence in f- front of a group, they ask you a question, and it's, you're on the spot to respond, and the first thing out of your mouth is, "Um..." That's very common. They ask you a question, and the first thing you wanna say is, "Um, uh, well, uh." Automatically, that confidence in how you sound just tanks because you're not communicating. You're just wanting to make sound out. That's really what it is. We feel comfortable when we're, have this constant sound wave. Whenever there's the constant just noise, whether it's actual words being articulated or not, we just like hearing that, that sound, so that's why it comes out that way. If, uh, somebody asks me a question and I go, "Um, you know, well, I mean, it, it, it depends. Y- you know?" You see how vague that is? Versus you ask me a question and the first thing, uh, that I say is, "I haven't run across that before. I think it depends on a number of factors," and I begin to speak. Very different. Same goal. I'm telling them, "I've never run across that before." Very different sound. So you wanna find ways to eliminate that fluff, and how you do it is very simple. It's very simple, okay? Enough... It's so simple you're gonna be like, "Jefferson, I, I knew this." But are you doing it? The question here is do you know how to eliminate that fluff? And you do it by saying nothing. Wherever the fluff would be, just get used to silence. It's that easy. Get comfortable with silence. That's it. You just get comfortable with silence. So wherever that filler word would be, say nothing. The way I teach, and I know I've said this on my podcast before, let your breath be the first word that you say. So when somebody asks you a question that you don't know, the worst thing you can do is go, "Um," and look up as if you're searching for the words. Instead, take a breath, let that silence be there, and then you get to respond. You don't have to have just noise for the sake of noise. Give it a pause and fill that space with absolute nothing. Allow your breath to catch the attention for them to hang on to your next words for you to say, "I haven't run across that before, but what I am confident about is we can look at X, Y, and Z." That's how you handle fluff. Now, uptalk is a little bit different, and I find that it is very dependent on gender most of the time, where men don't really have this issue, but women do. It's a, it's an uptalk, uh, just because of the way you can tweak the end and sound of your voice. But it certainly happens to the guys, too. I don't wanna say it's just a female thing or a male thing at all. It's not. But it, it sounds like this. Uh, when you have the people who are in the office, and they're talking to you, and they go, "Yeah, I think I can do that. I mean, yeah, we can probably get it to you by Friday." Like, as if you're hanging on to it, as if they're asking for permission in some way. When you say that and you sound like that, it cuts down on your confidence because it sounds like you're not sure. It sounds like you're unclear, and you're asking for permission in some way. Think of it this way. This is how I want you to say your words. Ask as if you're asking someone to pass the salt. All right? Here over in America, in Texas, if I'm gonna ask somebody to pass the salt, I'm gonna say, "Hey, so-and-so, can you pass the salt?" Period. You see how my, my volume, uh, my, excuse me, my, my tone there at the, the end went down? "Can you pass the salt?" So when you end on a lower note, it sounds more serious. You see that? And, and instead of saying it sounds more serious, it sounds more serious. When you uptalk, it sounds like you're asking a question. When you go down, it sounds like you're making a firm statement. So I wouldn't say, "Hey, can you pass the salt?" As if I don't know what salt is or you don't know what salt is. Instead I say, "Can you pass the salt?" As if I'm assuming, yes, everybody knows what it is. I'm gonna keep that, that cadence flat, and if I can, drop the tone just a little bit at the bottom to make it sound a lot more firm and a lot more confident. All right. This one is, uh, this one's gonna step on some toes a little bit. This is word choice. Word choice. What are the words that you're saying to sound confident at any given time? One of the biggest culprits in my view is ending your sentence with something that doesn't feel firm. Does that make sense? There it is right there. This element of, "Does that make sense?" Every time you ask that question, you're doing something that is double-sided. Let me explain. If I'm gonna tell you something and I make a statement and I say, "Does that make sense?" I'm doing two things. The reason I'm saying that, the reason you may be saying that, is because it's this internal fear or insecurity of maybe the words that I'm saying aren't actually making sense to someone. They're not clear. I'm not, I'm not communicating well. On the other side, I'm assuming that what I am saying may or may not be making sense to them. So the other person, it could also be offensive in some way to them, especially if you make it after a statement that is very common. Like, you know, "The sky's blue today. Does that make sense?" The other person's like, "Oh, yeah, of course. Of course it makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, it makes sense." You just ... It was a plain sentence. There's nothing complicated about that. So in some ways you may be insulting their intelligence by saying, "Does that make sense? You, you poor, pitiful mind you. Does, does that ... Do I need to go a little bit slower for you?" So I'm not saying it's all the time, but it definitely runs that risk. I've certainly had it where somebody asks, "Does that make sense?" after a statement where I only say, "Yes. Yes, that, that makes sense." How, [laughs] how else could I have taken that sentence? But I know where it's coming from is this insecurity feeling of, am, am, am I saying it right? Am I doing okay? It's best that you eliminate that. All right? Instead of saying, "Does that make sense?" you can replace that with, "What are your thoughts?" That's it. What are your thoughts? Do you have any questions? Do you have any feedback? My favorite is, "What are your thoughts?" Instead of, "Does that make sense?" I'm saying, "What are your thoughts?" I'm inviting communication. I'm inviting continuing the conversation instead of, "Do we need to stop and set a new paragraph for you to feel comfortable with this?" I'm inviting them. What are your thoughts? What do you think? That's it. They might say, "Oh, I'm, I'm good. I don't have any thoughts. That sounds great." Awesome, but at least I'm not assuming that they didn't understand what I said if I said, "Does that make sense?" So I would get rid of that. Just replace it with, "What are your thoughts?" Another way to tweak some of your communication to sound more confident is eliminate the word just. I love the word just in my regular day conversation. It's very common. But if I'm gonna communicate in front of a group, try to eliminate it, or if you're gonna email somebody, try to eliminate it. Hear the difference. If I text you or email or I say to you, "Hey, uh, I just wanted to check in. I just wanted to touch base," that sounds almost hesitant, doesn't it? "Hey, just wanted to check in," that sounds almost hesitant versus, "Hey, I wanted to check in on you. I wanted to touch base." That sounds like I'm leaning into it. I'm not shying away. I'm stepping into it. I wanted to do this versus, "Hey, I, I just wanted to" as if I'm, eh, just a little bit, don't ... I'm not trying to get in your space. Very different. Eliminate that word just because it makes you sound more hesitant in your communication and, and that's, that's not the way you, you want to sound. Another is the way you use adverbs. I'm gonna step on a little bit of toes here with, with this, and that is often when you overuse adverbs, it makes it more fluffy to where you're really not saying anything. We all have these little ticks that we like to say. Maybe we got them from family. Maybe we got them from friends or where you're, wherever you're working. But they cut down on the confidence, uh, and assertiveness of your sentences. So here's some words like that. Essentially, big culprit. Literally. Those two alone. Basically. Anything that ends with L-Y. Here is a very common response when somebody is responding to something or a- a- answering a question that you're asking. They're gonna say, "So essentially, I mean, what we have is..." That means nothing. That means nothing. It's just, it's just fluff. Those are comfort words. Those are security blankets that you like to have. It's going to be best if you eliminate those. There's not some kind of cure. You just need to find ways to get rid of them. If you ever see an email that says essentially or basically or literally or any other type of words, understand you can just eliminate them and they're going to be a whole lot better. Remember, if you want to have strong sentences, you need to

16. 54:40 – 1:03:46

    Standing up for yourself: choose battles, drop disclaimers, and let ‘no’ be complete

    1. JFJefferson Fisher54:40

       just serve your words straight every time. The first thing to know about standing up for yourself is knowing when to do it Because number one, not everybody's worth getting out of your chair for. It is a know-your-worth mentality, and we're gonna talk exactly where you need to go in your mind leading up to these conversations. Number two, get rid of the verbal disclaimers. These are little statements you say before you say what you need to say. Like, "Hey, I'm, I'm sorry, but I, I, I just feel like maybe..." We're gonna talk about getting rid of those and how to do it. Number three, stop justifying the nos. Stop having to feel like you need to explain yourself on and on just because you turn somebody down. When you do that, it takes away slowly from your self-confidence, and I don't wanna see that. Now, maybe nobody's told you this, but just because somebody has said something does not mean that it requires a response from you. Just because they threw a pitch doesn't mean you have to swing. You just let it go by. There's this idea in our head that because somebody gave us an opinion, we have to give an opinion back. That's just not true. When it comes to standing up for yourself, it is often the person that is not worth your time that you don't need to give attention to, and often that's the exact opposite of what we do. We find ourselves trying to justify and explain to people that do not matter in our life, the people that l- that rank low in our priority list, but yet we, we feel like we have to prove something to them every single time that we talk. Eliminate that concern. When people play chess, it's expected that you're gonna take a pawn. Nobody freaks out about it. Nobody loses their mind when somebody takes a pawn because they know the value is not the pawn. They can take a rook. Okay, they wanna take a queen. That's different. Understand that there's gonna be lots of different conflicts in your, in your life, lots of different conversations. They are not all the same. The, the feeling you get by talking with certain people, those friendships, uh, where they rank in relationship to you, they're not all the same. So what I want you to understand is stop attending every argument that you're invited to. Just because somebody gave an opinion and said something to you, you have the choice of just letting it go, saying, "That does not re- require any response from me. That is not worth my time." That's why I say it's a know-your-worth mentality. Before you stand up for yourself and feel like you have to say something, ask the question, "Is this person worth getting out of my chair for? Is this somebody that actually needs part of my energy?" Because there is a strength and a wisdom in conserving your energy, in protecting your peace. So the next time that happens, I want you to go through that filter and ask yourself, "Is this person worth getting out of my chair for?" Because I, I know my worth. And please understand that goes for anything that they say. Just because they spew out garbage does not mean we're in the business of picking up trash. Let me say that again. Just because they spew out garbage does not mean that you're in the business of picking up trash. You can politely tell them where it should go, and it's not gonna be on you. So understand that part of protecting your peace is understanding, "I know what they're saying is not worth my time. I'm gonna take it and set it aside." Personally, what I do in my, my own life is I have a wastebasket. All right? I have a trash, um, bag right next to me in my mind, and if somebody says something I don't like, rather than, than me feeling like I have to throw it back to them and I have to pick up that trash, that gross, nasty thing that they said and give it right back to them, I just take it and move it over and put it in the trash. You can say like, uh, at a computer or a laptop, you just get it, you drag it over, and you put it in, in the recycling bin, and then you delete it. You don't have to worry about it. You don't have to carry it. So understand just because they throw out garbage at you does not mean that you're in the business of picking up trash. When you have to advocate for yourself, part of that mindset is knowing how to go into it. Too often, there is a hesitancy to say what you need to say. We treat it like it's a... I don't know. What do they have? Like, the cold plunge or, uh, a, a pool that's filled with cold water. If you tiptoe into it, it's much worse. When you don't say what you need to say right out of the gate and instead you slowly walk into it with these little disclaimers, what I call them, this sounds like, "Hey, um, you know, I've just been... I, I, I just feel like I need to, uh, say this, I guess. It's... and maybe I'm talking out of pocket here, but..." You ever heard that? You ever said that before, where you say, "Uh, yeah, I mean, listen, I'm, I'm sorry, but, but maybe, you know, I, I, I'm just feeling more like..." You're trying to hesitate saying what you need to say. Like, you wanna smooth it over. You wanna hedge to make sure nobody feels like you're being too direct with it. But when it comes to asserting yourself, when it comes to stating your needs, nobody's gonna do it for you. Remember, you're the one that has to be bold and out in the open with it. So, uh, think of it as that cold swimming pool. If you walk right into it, it's going to not feel great. It's not going to look smooth. It's not going to feel smooth. You either have two choices. You don't say it at all, or you jump right in. When you see people doing that cold plunge, they don't walk right into it. They don't slowly go into it. They put their whole body into it. So I want you to get used to that idea of I'm gonna put my whole body into this thing. If I have something to say, I'm going to say it. I'm not gonna feel like I have to apologize for it. I'm not gonna feel like I have to be hesitant and hedged the whole time. If it is something that is on your heart and it is something that is truly asserting your needs in your life, you have one chance, one life, and this is it right here for you to be able to state your peace, assert your needs, and say what you need to say. Now, another part of this is often when it comes to standing up for yourself- It happens in moments where you need to say no to something. You need to turn something down. Maybe somebody's invited you to something, you got offered something, and you need to say no, but you don't know how to say it, and you're just not sure you can advocate that you need to say no. Now, we're gonna talk later in this podcast about how to say no to certain things, how to decline something and still be respectful, uh, how to disagree and still be respectful about it in those little bitty specific scenarios. Here, this is the point I'm making, of that there are times when you have to say something and they need to hear you say no. And there's a difference between saying, "No, because..." after the end of it, using that word because to justify it, and just saying no. For example, let's say you ask me a question and I just said, "No. No," versus, "No, uh, because, you know, I have that thing that we talked about and, you know, I, I gotta make sure that I take care of this, and it's just been really busy lately and I've just been so stressed, you know? And so... Well, I have that other thing, you know?" You see how it's much weaker? All of a sudden, I, I've added three more sentences after the no, and I've slowly watered down the place that I need to assert my needs. If I need to say no to something, I need to say no. So eliminate that habit of always saying, "No, because..." It's just no. And if they need to ask other questions, they're free to ask other questions and you're free to say no again. I want you to feel empowered, right, on this idea of just because they asked me something does not mean I have to give them something. Just because they told me something does not mean I have to have an answer for something. Standing up for yourself means that you are in complete peace with who you are and your presence in the conversation, and you know your worth wherever you are in that conversation, or if there should be a conversation at all. So when you need to say no to something, step into that. Don't go with these little verbal disclaimers. You say no to it. You don't say, "Because..." and add on a verbal, um... It's like the opposite of a verbal disclaimer. You add in everything afterwards. "No, because I'm just feeling X, Y, and Z." You don't need that. The word is no, period. What lots of people like to say, and what I support, is no is a complete sentence. All right, we're at my favorite part of the podcast, and that is when I get to answer a question from a follower. I have a weekly newsletter where I send a communication tip right to your inbox once a week, and for those that are on the newsletter, they're able to ask me questions, and I'm able to answer

17. 1:03:46 – 1:06:39

    Listener Q&A: when people demand “why?” after you say no—simple boundary scripts

    1. JFJefferson Fisher1:03:46

       them, and I find a lot of joy in that. If you wanna sign up, there is a link there in the show notes. So I'm gonna grab this real quick. This one I have, this is from Carly. Carly is in New York. Now, I have been to New York City, like, twice, but mostly the touristy stuff. I don't really know New York all that well, and geography isn't my strong suit, but that's for another podcast episode. Carly says, "Hey, Jefferson. Thank you so much for your content." Thanks, Carly. "I have a scenario that I need help with. Whenever I say no to things, I always get the question why or why not, and I don't know how to respond to it. I don't want to be rude. Thank you so much." Carly, that's a very good question, and I understand that idea of not wanting to sound rude or disrespectful when somebody's asking for a justification. Right, sometimes when you say no, they... First question out of their mouth is, "Why? Why not?" And they're really not entitled to that information, right? They, they, uh, they don't need that information. That's personal. They... You don't wanna give that. You just know you wanna say no to it. Here are some responses that I like to use, and I encourage you to try some out on your own. The first one would be, I like to say, "Because it's not what's best for me right now." Pure and simple. "Because it's not what's best for me right now." The reason I like that response so much is because I'm using the key word what's best for me, and nobody can really argue with that, because they want... If they like you and they mean something to you, they should want the best for you, too, Carly. So if I use the phrase and you use the phrase that you say no to somebody and they go, "Well, why not?" You go, "Ah, because it's not what's best for me right now." Boom. Done. End. Another one that I like to use is, "It's outside my focus right now." It's outside my focus. In other words, it's me telling them it's not really on my radar right now. It's not high up on my priority list. It's outside my focus. Another that I like to use, I know I'm just kinda, uh, rolling with these, is, "I need to make another choice." Because I need to make another choice. I need to make a different choice. Easy as that. As long as you say it light-hearted and you step into it rather than going, "Uh, I mean, I guess, uh, I just... Uh, you know, maybe... It's just not what's best for me right now." You know what I mean? Whenever you go that way, uh, it's going to tank it. It's gonna make it... You see how you're watering it down like we talked about in the podcast? Step out in front of it. I need to make another choice. I need to make a different choice, because it's not what's best for me right now. So try those out, Carly, and I think the next time you use them, you're gonna, you're gonna feel, like, 1,000 times better, and you're gonna feel like you can stand up for yourself, and I'm really excited about it.

18. 1:06:39 – 1:19:12

    Interview segment: dealing with ‘pecking order’ talkers and passive-aggressive partners

    1. SPSpeaker1:06:39

       What if you're with someone who does try to do that? So let's start out. Like, his content, you guys, is so specific is what I like about it. It's not just general principles. There's actually real phraseology, real words. Where perhaps you are the secondary person is what I would call it. So you could be husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, friend, boss and person they supervise, but one has sort of asserted the ... superior position in a conversation, if that makes sense. Almost like they're always teaching you a lesson or they're in the control position. Is there a way to sort of, wrestle's the wrong word, but reestablish pecking order or at least equality in a convers- You know what I mean when I say that? That you have the-

    2. JFJefferson Fisher1:07:24

       Yeah

    3. SPSpeaker1:07:24

       ... people that in your life that talk to you as if they're the expert on everything, you're not. They're in charge, you're not. They're picking the restaurant, you're not. W- Is there a way when someone has that dynamic with you to change that dynamic? I, I started with one of the hard questions first because I think more people find themselves invisible pecking order conversations almost than maybe they realize.

    4. JFJefferson Fisher1:07:44

       Let's split the dynamic too. Let's say it's, if it's one-on-one, much harder because th- this person has constructed their whole identity most likely to this facade. If it is, let's say you're in a meeting and that person's trying to establish the pecking order, the other people will change the dynamic for you. You don't have to push back. You just can't be pushed over. Let's say one-on-one with this conversation with somebody who feels like they're more dominant. Biggest thing you're gonna do is just not be pushed over, meaning you're not going to continue to chase everything that they say. You're not gonna push back, 'cause they're looking for that threat. We call it water off a duck's back, where anything that somebody says, you can just say, "Okay. Noted. I got it. No, if I have any questions, I'll ask." This ability to kind of be in the, in the pocket in your communication. The temptation is we want to compete with them. "Oh, you just went skydiving? Oh, that's great. I just went twice." "Oh, you know, uh, Ed? Ed's great. Yeah, you need to..." And they start to compete with one another of how many names they can drop, uh, how many experiences they can share, but all that does is show more and tells more about their insecurity than it does really about any kind of true substance. Let's say, let's just use the word alphas or the people that are very confident in the communication, the conversation, typically say much less. You've been in those meetings where the person who always has their two cents, the person who always has something to say, is the person most likely the least removed from the actual true conversation of what's happening. They have to tell you so much so that you can know how smart they are. The real top dog is the person that's the most quiet, and when that person speaks, everybody's quiet and everybody listens. So insecurities are very loud. Confidence is very quiet.

    5. SPSpeaker1:09:31

       You say that about leaders too. It struck me where you said actually great leaders learn to say more with literally fewer words than the non-leader. You believe that's one of the traits of a great communicator of a leader, correct?

    6. JFJefferson Fisher1:09:45

       Correct. Good leaders respond in conversation. Great leaders leave room for conversation. So when there is this mentality that the leader has to say, "Oh, I'm captain of this ship, and everybody should know it. Oh, y- who do you think you're talking to?" And they need to correct and, and drive traffic and go, go, go. The best leaders are ones that they don't have to prove everything. Insecure people feel like they have to prove. They have to say a whole lot just so you believe that they're smart. Confident people know that. Great leaders already know that. They're the ones that have this calm energy. In my view, the, the best leaders have a calm energy about them. When they're on the floor of whatever's happening, instead of this erratic, "You know, what's going on? Okay, we need to do this," and, and they start shouting and, and getting mad and yelling at people versus the person who comes on the floor and goes, "Okay. What do we need to do next? What's happening next?" Instead of the blame, it's where are we moving forward? So driving the conversation in a way that s- sets authority. People are looking for anchors in conversation. Same thing in their everyday business. Employees, supervisors, whoever it is, they're looking for the anchors in their organization and same in everyday conversation, so you have to find the way to be confident enough to be the anchor.

    7. SPSpeaker1:11:07

       Brother, so good. You by, the way you exhibit that, by the way, from the minute we flipped the camera on even before we went live, there's a deliberate calmness to the way in which you listen. You actually listen calmly. It's one of the things I noticed about you instantaneously when the camera went on. Most of you don't know this because I'm an entrepreneur, but my major in college was actually broadcasting, and so it's amazing that God had this way 30 years later to create podcasts, and then I was able to take advantage of that background. But one of the things you have to learn in broadcasting when you write your copy is to write things with fewer words because you have to deliver segments in these little bites of time, and that taught me to communicate with fewer words saying the same thing other people take more words to do, and I do believe that that's an effective use. If you watch communicators, there are fewer words they use. It's almost like someone watching on broadcasting. I wanna make sure everybody gets the book too, 'cause we're going into a lot of stuff. It's The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More. What if you're with somebody who, I used it earlier, but I wanna go a little bit deeper, they pick on you? They kinda gnaw at you a little bit. You know, everything is almost, um, passive-aggressive in the way they say things, and you find yourself almost being put down subtly when you communicate with this person. And I find this an awful lot lately with couples that are friends of mine, married couples. There's this subtle dynamic where they both are a little bit passive-aggressive with one another in the way they communicate, and I, I feel empathy for the one that I think is the one receiving most of the aggression. Is there something you can do when you feel like someone's communicating with you that way? Is there a phraseology or a, or a strategy for that?

    8. JFJefferson Fisher1:12:56

       Let's separate it into two different categories. So one, let's say, is kind of this more, uh, just passive-aggressive bucket. The other is let's ramp it up to somebody being a little bit more overtly disrespectful ... rude. So in this first bucket, this passive aggressive, these are people that, that most likely just have grown up that way. This is what they saw, mirrored, uh, conversation and arguments throughout their life, and they don't know how to express that kind of thing. So when they slide in that negative comment that you know there's something to that, a simple question of like, "Should I read into that?" Or, "Is there more to that?" Or I... And this goes for Chris Foss, a dear friend, and he, I love his, his question is, "Sounds like you have a reason for saying that." I love that phrase.

    9. SPSpeaker1:13:41

       Mm.

    10. JFJefferson Fisher1:13:42

        I, I also love, "Sounds like there's more to that." So any time you can just quickly ask, "Sounds like there's more to that," or ask them, "Should I read into that?" Th- that tends to draw out the passive aggressiveness, 'cause they're not expecting you to kind of call them to the floor. On the flip side, if somebody's saying more aggressive things towards you, my recommendation is begin your question with, "Did you mean?" Did you mean for that to sound rude? Did you-

    11. SPSpeaker1:14:08

        Mm

    12. JFJefferson Fisher1:14:08

        ... say that to embarrass me? Did you say that to hurt my feelings? Uh, did you say that to offend me? It... When you say, "Did you mean?" It is twofold. One, it's giving them the grace of perhaps they said it in a way they did not mean, and it's gonna allow them to fix it. Like, uh, at least with me and my wife, if we're texting and something seems like it's off, instead of it, saying, you know, "Why are you being so short? What's wrong?"

    13. SPSpeaker1:14:38

        Yeah, yeah.

    14. JFJefferson Fisher1:14:39

        The quest- Ask the question, "Did you mean for that to sound short?" Instantly-

    15. SPSpeaker1:14:43

        I-

    16. JFJefferson Fisher1:14:43

        ... almost every time, my, my, you know, it, it is like the, "Oh, no, no, no, no, sorry, I'm picking up the kids," or, "I, you know, I, I was checking out the grocery store," or getting gas. You know, you, you get that, that K or okay, and you're like, "Oh, okay, I guess, I guess they hate me right now. All, all right. Like, I guess they're in a mood." And then you naturally get in a mood, and then you respond defensively, which causes them to respond offensively, and now you're convinced, you've convinced yourself you're under attack. So it's this, um, this feedback loop that's not helpful to you. So when you begin with, "Did you mean?" It's a great way to beset somebody to, one, give them that grace of fixing it, but two, it's calling attention to what they were wanting to do. Did you say that to, to, and to embarrass me? Did you say that to, to offend me? It is, uh, or did you mean for that to sound rude? Like, that is a, a very quick way to address it out in the open and if they're gonna double down on it or not.

    17. SPSpeaker1:15:37

        Will you do that in re- By the way, this is so good. Will you do that in reverse if you feel that what you've said has been misinterpreted? In other words, if you feel like you're ... I do this better in business than I do personal life. To be honest with you, in personal life, I think I just let everything out the window that I know that are tools, which is so stupid. When it comes to business, I'm pretty good at this. With friends and family, I devolve into the most emotionally immature person sometimes. But, so let's say we have gone back and forth and maybe I've said something the other way that they're hurt by. Will you slow a conversation down, for example, and say something like, "What did you hear me say?" How will you handle that if the person is now coming back at you for something they believe you've said that's passive aggressive or demeaning or rude?

    18. JFJefferson Fisher1:16:22

        Awesome question. This happens all the time, especially in relationships, but I'd say even work too. When somebody tells you something, you know, you've been in that situation where somebody is going, "That's not what you said. You said this," and they kind of give a voice that doesn't even sound like your voice and gives a-

    19. SPSpeaker1:16:38

        Yeah

    20. JFJefferson Fisher1:16:38

        ... intonation. And, and you're like, "I didn't even say it like that." And all of a sudden, now you're going, "That's not what I said. I didn't say it like that." You're just pushing what you thought you conveyed, and nine times out of 10, it is inaccurate because-

    21. SPSpeaker1:16:52

        Mm

    22. JFJefferson Fisher1:16:52

        ... what is said is not always what's received. So instead of this, "That's not what I said," um, you are going to ask the question, "W- what did you hear? What did you hear?"

    23. SPSpeaker1:17:03

        Mm.

    24. JFJefferson Fisher1:17:03

        Because now it's not about what I am putting out. I am now getting curious of what you heard, because that's what matters. Any time you have that kind of confrontation or that miscommunication, instead of going, "No, no, no, no, that's not what, that's not what I said," and kind of dismissing their whole experience or their perspective. Uh, by the way, it's very hard to, to judge. [laughs] It's like making your own movie but not having an audience and going, "No, no, that's not how the movie goes." It's like nobody else has seen it. Uh, uh, only you're the one who thinks it's that way. So when you ask the question, "What did you hear?" And they explain it, that's when you can say, "Oh, that was not my intent," or, "I apologize for that impression." Or I would recommend is begin your sentence with, "I can see." Like, "I can see how you'd feel that way. I can see how that'd come off."

    25. SPSpeaker1:17:48

        Very good.

    26. JFJefferson Fisher1:17:48

        You know, whenever you say, um, you know, "I c- I can see why you'd feel that way. I can see why, uh, that would upset you," that I can see just says, "Hey, I took a second to walk over to where you're standing, and I turned to look the same way that you're looking, and I can confirm, yeah, what you see is reasonable. What you see is justified. You know what? That makes sense. I can see that." That right there just goes boo. It naturally takes down the aggression, this, "I have to win. You have to see it what I see." Any time you can do that and use words of perspective, uh, like view, perspective, see, um, that is going to help somebody go, "Oh, I feel heard. Oh, I feel understood." And by that, they're gonna be more receptive to the progress.

    27. SPSpeaker1:18:34

        This is so good. You guys, just so you know when you're listening to this, the reason I wanted Jefferson on and the reason I think there should be more work in this topic is there's, like, only two or three people in the world that even discuss this stuff, and it, it may be in the top three most important things in life, is to be able to communicate your point and to be able to overcome adversity in a conversation and a, a difficulty and maintain or extend relationships. This is not stuff that's taught anywhere, yet it should be.

    28. JFJefferson Fisher1:19:03

        If you enjoyed that clip and wanna see the rest of the conversation, you can click right here, or if you wanna see the latest episode of The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, click right here, and I'll meet you there

Episode duration: 1:19:12