How to Stop Tears from Taking Over: Composure Tips for Arguments

1. 0:00 – 1:01

   Crying mid-argument: normalize it and drop the shame

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      So you're in a heated argument, and out of nowhere, you feel it, tears starting to well up in your eyes. And no matter how much you're fighting it, there's just no stopping them from coming. What do you do when you cry in an argument? [upbeat music] Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast. And please leave a review. If you have any questions or topic suggestions, just leave them in the comments. What do you do when you cry in an argument? Well, I'll tell you. Absolutely nothing. Don't you dare, for one second, be ashamed or embarrassed that you cry. Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed when your shoulders get tense, or your jaw gets tight, or your eyebrows go down because your body's not

2. 1:01 – 2:02

   Rule 1 — Never apologize for crying

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:01

      liking the situation? Your body's reacting naturally to what's happening. Do you apologize then? Of course you don't. It's the same thing for when you cry. It is just biology. It's what happens. It is your stress in liquid form. So the next time you feel tears starting to well up in your eyes, this is what I want you to do. Here's some three rules I'm gonna give you right now. Number one: Don't ever apologize for it. Don't say, "I'm, I'm so sorry. I'm [laughs] I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I'm crying right now. Geez, I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed." Absolutely not. I will not allow that. [laughs] I won't allow that one. Y- there's nothing to be ashamed of. There's nothing you should be apologizing for. It's how your body is responding. Unless you're crying about a topic that, you know, it's, it's, maybe it's funny. Maybe it's something that it's not appropriate to cry at, but I can't even envision that. Don't apologize for what your body is naturally responding to in that moment. Number two: Don't even acknowledge

3. 2:02 – 2:33

   Rule 2 — Don’t acknowledge the tears; keep talking

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:02

      them. That means when you're in an argument with someone, and you're having a, a difficult conversation, and it's a difficult moment, and you start to cry, don't even acknowledge them. Just wipe them away and keep on talking. Wipe them away and keep on talking. If you can grab a tissue, great. If not, just wipe them away and keep on talking. Don't acknowledge them because if anything, it serves as a distraction. It calls attention to it. Number three: If you need to, label the tears.

4. 2:33 – 3:04

   Rule 3 — Label the tears to stay in control

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:33

      What I mean by that is if you feel yourself crying, you can say, "These are tired tears. These are stressed tears. These are tears that care. These are tears that, um, are, are understanding the importance of this moment." You find different words to label the tears that doesn't feel like you're just crying to cry. No, it's your body responding to what is natural in that moment. And let's talk for a second about what crying is. When you cry, it

5. 3:04 – 3:34

   The physiology: crying activates your calming system

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:04

      activates your parasympathetic nervous system. It is the opposite of your fight or flight mode. This is your rest, digest, relaxation mode. What that means is when you start to cry, your body is helping you. It is trying to release emotions. It is trying to soothe you because in that moment, in that argument, in that fight, your body's telling you something. Your body's saying, "Hey, your stress cup is too full. It's too full. It's about to overflow. Let

6. 3:34 – 4:34

   How to say it in the moment: “Keep talking, I’m listening”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:34

      me take care of that for you." And it does that in a way that you can start to release emotions in the form of liquid. That's it. So the higher the tension, the higher the release. That's why it makes sense when you cry to say, "I'm, these are just calming tears. My body's calming down. No, this, this is, these are tears that, that care. I'm listening. Keep talking." See what I mean? And when you just say, say it to the other person, "Keep talking," even when you're crying. "Keep talking. I'm listening." In other words, "Don't worry about this. This is just my body taking care of myself. See what I'm doing right now? This is normal. This is, uh, natural." Let's, let's get rid of the stigma that just because you're crying, it means that you're trying to get attention. Just because you're crying, it means that you can't take the present moment. No, it's your body fully prepared and equipped to handle the conflict in front of you. There's nothing wrong with it. So understand that when the tears come, it is your body calming you down. It

7. 4:34 – 6:06

   “When you claim it, you control it”: naming feelings builds composure

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:34

      is your body acting and processing exactly the way it was made. And if you've followed my content for any amount of time, you're going to recognize this phrase. When you claim it, you control it. And I say it because it's applicable in many different contexts, especially when it comes to crying. When you claim it, you control it. What it means is when you say things out loud, when you say how you're feeling out loud, you're able to control that emotion better by acknowledging it out in the open. So instead of saying, "I'm sad," and becoming the emotion, it's, "I can tell I'm feeling sad." And now you've separated and distanced yourself from that feeling, and now you can process it. Now you can deal with it. Now you can communicate about it, rather than bottling it up all inside of you. And that's why labeling is so important. When you can say to the other person, "I can tell that I'm frustrated," or, "I can tell these are [laughs] these are tired tears. Keep talking. I'm listening," then it's no problem because it looks like you're emotionally intelligent. It looks like you're the person who's more in control than rather, "What's going on with you? What's happening?" "Oh, I don't wanna talk about it." And you're just bottling it up all inside. So when you can claim it, you control it, and it makes you so much more confident in that moment that you're not worried about crying. You're not worried about tears. Instead, you're focused on communicating

8. 6:06 – 7:38

   If the other person cries: don’t mock, pause, or make it awkward

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:06

      in the moment in that present conversation. And I also want to touch on, what do you do when someone else is crying in front of you? In an argument. So you're in a conversation one-on-one, what do you do when the other person begins to cry? Well, here's what you don't do. You don't do, "Oh, pfft, okay, this again?" You don't do that. You don't say, "Oh, okay, fine. Got it. All right. Yes, you gotta cry, fine," and act like it is some inconvenience to you. That's a problem. That's, that's, that is toxic behavior to act that way. That is immature, emotionally immature to say, "Oh, pfft, this again? Okay. [laughs] All right. I guess we'll just take a time out." No. We're not gonna do that. If somebody is crying in an argument, you don't address it. Same thing for rule number two for when you're the one crying. You don't address it. You just continue to keep talking with them. That means you don't break eye contact. That means you don't say, "Uh, do you mean, need a minute? You need a minute? I, it's, it's fine." No. You, you don't break any of that communication. You still look at them like a normal person and understand they're just talking. You wouldn't do that, say, "You need a break?" if you see their shoulders get tense. So you're just gonna say nothing and continue to talk. Don't acknowledge it. If you need anything at all, if you were to do anything, it might be to, if a tissue's nearby, grab it and just hand it to them and keep on talking or keep on listening. But

9. 7:38 – 8:41

   What about manipulation? Stay focused on words, not waterworks

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:38

      don't at all make them feel ashamed. Don't at all try to make them feel like they're an inconvenience to the conversation, because they can't help it in many ways. Now, I will say that there are some, because I, I, I understand this, th- this is very true, some people will use tears as manipulation. I mean, we get it from kids. My, my four-year-old, she, uh, I have a six-year-old son and a four-year-old daughter, and don't get me wrong, they both can turn on the waterworks like a faucet at any time, and they can quickly turn it off. But that's all the more reason why you can't acknowledge it in that moment. Now, if it's indication that they're upset, it's different with kids. Let's put this in terms of mature adults. Hopefully we're mature adults. When they feel like they're crying, if you feel at all that they're manipulating the situation, well then that's all the more reason for you not to acknowledge it. It's not you being dismissive. It's you staying in the lane

10. 8:41 – 10:42

    Listener email (Sandy): shaking voice, feeling like a “mess” in hard talks

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:41

       of the conversation, saying, "No, I'm, I'm focused on the words. I'm not focused on how your body is reacting in this moment. Whether it's genuine, whether it's sincere or not, I'm focused on the words and how we're gonna communicate this message back and forth." Okay, now's the part of the podcast where I get to read an email from a follower then answer their question. If you don't already know, I have a newsletter where I send out one communication tip once a week right to your inbox totally for free, and those who respond, I'm able to communicate with, and I get lots of ask me, uh, questions, AMAs that I try to respond here. So I have the... Uh, it'll be in the show notes that you can sign up for yourself if you'd like, and I have one right here on my other phone. So this one comes from Sandy. She is over in Georgia, in Georgia, United States. And Jor- uh, Sandy says, "Hey, Jefferson. Thank you so much. I always watch your content." Thank, thank you, Sandy. "I find myself in the position of always feeling like I'm a mess in difficult conversations." I'm sorry, Sandy. "I feel like I start to, uh, shake, my voice gets to, gets shaky, and I begin to cry a whole lot. Do you have any tips for me?" Understand when I read these, it's, I'm trying to skip over personal details that they, Sandy probably wouldn't want me to share. So Sandy, I'm sorry about that. I d- I don't want you to feel as if you're having to always be a mess, that you're trying to put yourself back together again. That's one thing I wanna highlight, would be my, my first recommendation to you is don't say out loud, "I'm just a mess. I, I need to, give me a sec. I need to put myself together." That's not the case. Your crying is your body putting yourself together. Your crying is your body soothing yourself. So let's address two different issues. One, you said you, you shake a lot. You get nervous. When you get nervous, uh, your voice is shaking

11. 10:42 – 11:43

    Breath control for shaky voice: speak on the out-breath + box breathing

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:42

       in the conversation. That's very natural. That's very normal. That is the, um, the fight and flight mode. All right? That's the adrenaline going through your body and getting you all hyped, and that often results in your muscles starting to shake because your muscles are reacting and ready to either fight or run from any given situation. The way you control that is your breath, Sandy, [inhales] [exhales] is in and out. And see how you can just relax those shoulders, just like that? So whenever you're in a situation where your voice is really shaky like that, go back to your breath. Every time, speak on the out breath. Often, when you're shaking, it's because you're holding your breath because you feel nervous in that situation. It tenses everything up. That's why sometimes we yell, right? We yell because our body is, we've bottled it up, put a screw cap on it, and all of a sudden when it's ready to explode, we raise our voice. Just keep your breath calm and steady and as rhythmic

12. 11:43 – 12:43

    Putting it all together: label tears, don’t apologize, and keep going

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:43

       as you can. By that, I mean try to keep it in a four seconds in, hold it four seconds, release it four seconds, hold it four seconds. That's box breathing, is what they call that. Now, to the other point of you feel like you're maybe just a bubbling mess, I wanna go back to what I said a minute ago. Don't be apologizing for crying, and don't be feeling like you're some mess that you have to pick up off the floor and you're gonna be an inconvenience for anybody there. Instead, just label the tears to the best that you can. "I can tell that these are overwhelmed tears. I can tell these are, these are happy tears." Keep talking. That's another point that I don't know if I've hit home enough. It's okay to tell them, "Keep talking." Even when you start to cry or you start to tear up, rather than acknowledging them and stopping the conversation, you can tell them if they start to slow down a little bit and be like, "Oh, do you need some time?" Wave it off. "No, you can keep talking. Keep talking. I'm listening." In other words, you're saying, "I'm

13. 12:43 – 14:22

    Final recap: the three rules for crying during arguments

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:43

       not worried about what's happening. You don't need to be worried about what's happening. Let's just keep talking in this conversation c- because my body's doing exactly what it's, it's made to do." So keep your breath calm, and when you feel those tears come, don't apologize for them. Don't feel embarrassed about them. Instead, just label them to whatever is honest and sincere and genuine in that moment. All right, the next time you cry in an argument, what are we gonna do? Number one, we're not going to apologize. We're not gonna say, "I'm so sorry." We're not gonna make it feel like an inconvenience. We are absolutely not going to apologize. Listen to me, don't apologize for it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Number two, we're not going to acknowledge them. We're not gonna stop the conversation, and we're not gonna allow the other person to stop the conversation. Instead, we're gonna say something like, "I'm listening. You can keep going." Don't acknowledge them, as if this is something that is totally normal and something that neither one of you should be afraid of. Number three, if you need to, label the tears, meaning say the feeling that is triggering the fear. These are tired tears. These are tears that care. Ways that you can communicate because when you claim it, you control it. [upbeat music] Thank you for listening to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm gonna ask you to follow this podcast, and you can listen wherever you like to get your podcasts, whether it's on YouTube, Apple, Spotify, Amazon. And if you would, please leave a review. It really makes a difference. I get to personally read them and like them and heart them myself, and it really means a lot to me. And as always, try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 14:22