How to Talk to Someone Who Doesn’t Like You

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Why this matters: dealing with people you don’t like (and who don’t like you)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      All right. Let's be honest. There are people out there right now you don't like. They come to mind immediately, and the truth is there are also other people that don't really like you. But how do you communicate with these people when you have to be with them at work or around the house or in your community? How do you talk to them? This episode is all about how to talk to somebody who doesn't like you. All that and more coming up. [upbeat music] Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation

2. 0:30 – 2:01

   Quick ask + sponsor break (Cozy Earth)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      the one that changes everything. If you're listening to this podcast, I'm gonna ask you to do a favor. That is find on the platform wherever you're listening to see where the word subscribe is, or a heart or a follow, and click it. It's not a forever thing. What it's doing is telling the platform that what you're listening to is good content, and that's my promise in exchange, is to make you a better communicator and continue to deliver good, quality content. This podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth. I am in Southeast Texas right now, and there is nothing more hot and humid than Southeast Texas, and there's nothing worse than sleeping in a bed that is also hot and humid. I am a hot sleeper. I radiate heat, and then I often I'll just sleep on top of the sheets because I just get so stinking hot. Well, Cozy Earth has changed all of that. Their sheets are on my bed right now. They, to me, are the number one when it comes to bedsheets, all things related to towels, any kind of sheet really. Th- they're the go-to. All right? Once I've put them on my bed, I have not gone back, and I am here to stay. So if you're like me and you like comfortable, cozy sheets, I want you to go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off, and what's even better is they offer a 100-night risk-free trial. So where can you go wrong? Cozyearth.com. And I'm not exempt from this, by the way, the whole people not liking you thing. There are people that I can think

3. 2:01 – 2:31

   Reframing being disliked: you’re not meant to be for everybody

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:01

      right now, come to mind, that I don't like, and I know that there are people listening, maybe probably not listening, but maybe some, that don't like me, and that's okay. That's normal because we're not meant to be for everybody, right? There are people in your life that if you were for everybody, you're kinda probably doing something wrong. There's going to be somebody who isn't a fan of what you're doing. That's, that's kind of a good sign in m- in my world if somebody is not always a fan of what you're doing, 'cause it means that you're, you're on the right track.

4. 2:31 – 3:33

   Rule #1: Treat them like they like you (without losing integrity)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:31

      You're pushing. You're persevering. Not everybody has to agree with what you're doing. That's my, that's my point. How do you handle it? How do you handle it? How do you talk to somebody who doesn't like you or you don't like them? You ready? Number one, treat them like they like you. Talk to them like they like you. I know that sounds counterintuitive. That's the point. There are people that when you come into the room and you know good and well they don't like you, what they're looking for is even more reasons not to like you. But when you start treating them just as normal as can be, like nothing ever happened in the past, it's going to not only bother them, which is pretty cool, it's c- it's also going to kinda go, "Huh, wait, this is not, this is not what I thought." And sometimes they'll actually feel bad that they even h- ever had the impression that they didn't like you. It could work either way. The point is don't give someone a reason to not like you because that, that pulls down your in- integrity. You be you is my point. You be you. Don't worry about if they like you or don't like you.

5. 3:33 – 4:33

   Important disclaimer: cordial doesn’t mean fake

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:33

      So treat them in conversation just as pleasant as I'm talking to you now. Big disclaimer here. You ready? Big disclaimer. This is not about being fake. What I'm not telling you is to be fake and pretend that everything's fine. That's not it. I can be cordial with you, I can be kind, I can be polite, I can be respectful without ever having to do anything with whether I like this person, prefer this person, I'm a fan of this person or not. You just be you. All right? That's all that is. So if somebody's acting like they don't like you, treat them even more so like they like you. Don't worry about what they're doing. You concentrate on what you're doing, right? And here's the key. Here's the key takeaway, and this is probably one of my favorite points, is if they don't like you, they're not that important. Most likely they're not that important. If they genuinely don't like you, they're not that important. Why? Because they

6. 4:33 – 5:34

   Why it works: don’t validate their negative story about you

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:33

      don't... That means they don't know you well enough. They're not in a place where they can really hold any kind of judgment of you that's, that's really going to weigh on you. So what do you do? Number one, treat them like they like you. What happens when you're around somebody and you know you don't really like them and they don't really like you, and you decide to kinda shift or shoo them off or act a certain way? All it does is double down on their decision not to like you. All it does is in their mind they're going, "Oh, I knew I didn't like this person," because they're, they're... All they're doing is looking for ways to justify, validate, imprint that impression in their mind of that they don't like you. So when you turn the tables and you act pleasant, respectful, you be you, that messes with their head, and they go, "Huh. Okay, maybe that wasn't the, the ri- the right impression that I was supposed to have. Maybe that wasn't the right impression I

7. 5:34 – 7:05

   Rule #2: Go neutral with ‘flat’ phrases that stop momentum

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:34

      was supposed to have." Number two, if you can't do that, if you go, "No, Jefferson, look, I like you man, but no, I'm not, I'm not doing that," here's what I want you to do. Go neutral. Just go flat. That means I want you to use neutral statements. When you're talking to them and you don't want the conversation to go anywhere, use words that are a stop to the conversation that you can't do anything with. These are neutral words like got it, noted. Understood. Yep. Interesting. Words that nobody can... You can't continue to take those words and go anywhere. So stay neutral in the conversation. If, if you really can't be at a place where you can be pleasant around this person, if you, if you're really deciding that you're just gonna go sour, which I get it, we're, we're, we're normal and human, at least try to go neutral, where there's nothing negative you're gonna be doing, there's nothing positive you're gonna be doing. So use statements that keep the conversation neutral. You're not inflaming anything. You are going to use statements they really can't do anything with. So if they talk to you, instead of having this attitude or making things worse or just confirming their belief for whatever reason that they don't like you or you don't like them, it's, "Got it. Noted. Thank you. Understood. Appreciate it." You see how I'm not even using full sentences? It's not, "I appreciate that." It's, "Appreciate it." Cool? Using very shortened

8. 7:05 – 8:05

   Sponsor break (Momentous)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:05

      versions that are very neutral, very flat. Nobody can do anything with them. [upbeat music] Now, before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Momentous. Momentous is a sponsor of this podcast because I use their stuff. It's a supplement company. About a year ago, I decided to really care about what I'm putting in my body. I'm a father. I'm now an author. I'm a speaker. I'm an attorney. I wear a lot of hats, and that means I need to go, "Hey, wait a second. H- how is my health?" And so when I think of what I'm not getting in my diet, I know that Momentous helps me with that. I take, I take a lot of their products, long before they ever sponsored this podcast. They have a whole sleep stack that helps me sleep better. I have things like their creatine, their proteins, their omega-3s that help me with my workouts. I have mag- their magnesium, which is very big, and it's helped me even with, um, any stress and anxiety. So it's, it's good stuff, and I know, like you, I don't have time to research every little supplement. Momentous makes it easy. Easy to order, their products are clean,

9. 8:05 – 10:37

   Rule #3: Drop sarcasm and passive-aggressive jabs—stick to facts

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:05

      it's effective, and it's trustworthy. Go to livemomentous.com. Use the code Jefferson and get up to 35% off your first subscription. That's livemomentous.com. Use the code Jefferson and get up to 35% off your first subscription. Momentous. When your moment matters, make it count. And now back to the episode. Number three, keep the sarcasm, the snarkiness at home. All right? Instead, stick to facts. If it's somebody who's... does not like you, instead of reinforcing and embolding that... emboldening that decision of them. I think that's a word, emboldening. Let's say it is. You get my point. Instead of that, just stick to facts. Here's what I mean. Let's say you're in an office, uh, at a meeting, and somebody comes in, and you know you don't really like them. They don't really like you, and they ask a question, and they're like, "What did I miss?" And you say, "Well, I mean, if you were here, you would know." That sarcasm, that, that's nothing but to make you feel better, and it's going to make them dislike you even more. Where you come in and, and you go, "Well, I mean, it would be nice if somebody did," or, "Well, if you were around," or, "If you really cared, you'd find out..." These passive-aggressive comments, stop that. So just empty out the passive-aggressive comments. They don't do anything. I know in that moment, 'cause you kinda wanna jab them, right? You wanna go, "Mm. Yeah, I know you don't like me, so let me just poke you in the eye with this stick." Don't, don't, don't do that. All right? Keep that home. Instead, just stick to facts, facts as reasons why you're here and why you're going to leave at some certain future. So let's say instead, if they ask for the time, you're just going to give the time. Don't give the snarkiness. If you come in, say, "I'm here to discuss this," or, "I need to talk to you about Y." There's not a, "Okay, well, I, I gotta talk to you, and I, I guess, um, okay, I guess we're doing this. Um, so, uh, here's the thing." Get rid of all that. Get rid of all of it. It's not serving you. It's not making you a better person. Instead, just stick neutral to the facts. There's so much in this because it's natural for us to not like people. Again, if they don't like you, they're not that important, and that's okay. And I, I can get down with the idea of

10. 10:37 – 11:38

    Bigger mindset: naysayers can signal you’re pursuing meaningful goals

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:37

       if you don't have somebody who's rooting against you, it means you're not going towards something important enough. Like, if you don't have... If, if, if you're not chasing something, maybe it's a business that you're building. Maybe it's a content that you're trying to create. If you have people that are the naysayers, the people that are, uh, doubting you, then typically it means, in my mind, your goals aren't big enough. Yeah, you need to reach for these goals that are so big, and you feel like you're doing something so important that of course you're gonna have people who are on the other side of it. It's, it's, it's a healthy, it's a healthy thing. I know it's hard to kinda think in that mindset, but that's, that's at least my outlook. Means if, if you don't have people that are naysaying, it's, it's because your goals aren't, aren't big enough. Now, there are gonna be people out there that aren't gonna be fans of you just for whatever reason. It doesn't matter. Typically, they're jealous. Typically, they, they have some kind of preconceived notion. They, they gossip about you behind your back, and we've addressed a lot of these topics

11. 11:38 – 12:39

    Don’t let others lower your character; remember opinions can change

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:38

       in the podcast, in the podcast episodes to come. But the point here is don't give somebody a reason to not like you just because you can. Don't allow them to change who you are. Don't allow them to lower your character or your integrity because of some preconceived notion. And, and here's this other truth. You ready? Opinions change. There are people that I used to not like, and now I'm like, "You know what? That was kinda dumb of me back then. I, I actually like this person," or vice versa. And, and it flips. You think somebody's great, and you realize, "Ah, I, I got to know them, and, uh, I'm kinda empty inside. I, I don't, I don't agree. This doesn't match and align with my values anymore." People change. My guess, if you're listening right now, there's somebody that you weren't really a fan of and, and then now you're like, "I kinda like this person." It goes the same thing with siblings. You grew up with siblings. Like, I know two sisters who hated each other, and now they're like the best of friends. It happens. Coworkers, you're like, "Oh, I'm not really a fan of them." At the end, you're,

12. 12:39 – 13:48

    Recap: three tactics + ‘get in, get out’ factual communication

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:39

       you're great. Why? Because time changes things. Always keep your head above the water. Operate a frequency that says, "I'm gonna be true to me regardless of what anybody else is going to do." So what do you do? How do you talk to somebody who doesn't like you? Number one, act like they do. Treat them like they like you. Talk exactly like they like you. Why? Because that is your choice, and you're not allowing their... your pers- preconceived notion of what they think about you to control any of your behavior. Are you with me? Good. Two, if you can't do that, keep your emotions in a vacuum. That means you're gonna use neutral, flat statements that don't do anything, like, "Thanks. Got it. Understood." It's not the best, but at least it's gonna keep you flat. Number three, keep all the passive-aggressive, sarcastic comments at home, things that are gonna flare it up. Leave that alone. Instead, just operate on the facts. Why you're there, what you need to talk about, get in, get out, get safe. And keep in mind, opinions always change. So as always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 13:49