One Phrase That Instantly Ends Arguments

1. 0:00 – 0:31

   Choosing kindness even when you want to strike back

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      You know what? I don't think I've ever regretted saying the kind thing, despite everything within me not wanting to, 'cause we never want to. In that moment when somebody says something that I don't like, I have this gut reaction of, "I want to say something mean to you. I wanna throw it right back." I've never regretted choosing to say the kind thing instead. In today's episode, we're gonna talk short and sweet on this idea of, how can you use words to have a better life?

2. 0:31 – 1:01

   Podcast mission + quick call to subscribe

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:31

      To use words that make your life more fulfilling, regardless of what the other person does. If this is you, if this resonates at all with you, I need you to listen to the end of this episode. Why? Because it is going to help you immensely in whatever kind of conversation struggle you're having right now. Let's go. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you haven't yet, this is what I'm asking you to do. Go wherever you're listening, find where it says subscribe, like,

3. 1:01 – 2:03

   Sponsor: Cozy Earth (sleep, sheets, and comfort)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:01

      heart, follow, and click it. You don't have to scr- subscribe forever, but what it does for me is it tells whatever platform you're listening to that this is good content, and that's my promise to you, to continue to make good content, good, quality information that's gonna make you a better communicator. Thank you very much. This episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth. I don't know about you, but w- my sleep is very important to me, and one thing that makes my sleep is the sheets. Have you ever been in a hotel room or a bed that's not your bed, and you're like, "I can't do it. The, the... There's something about these sheets I don't like. I don't feel comfortable"? Well, let me tell you what. Cozy Earth makes some of the best bedsheets I've ever felt, the best towels I've ever felt, and I never thought I'd be a bedsheet and towel guy until I'm at the age where it really m- does make a difference. [laughs] If you're like me and you like to sleep cool and comfortable, I want you to go to Cozy Earth and give them a try. They have a 100-night sleep trial period. How awesome is that? You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson

4. 2:03 – 2:34

   Real-world conflict: being a trial attorney and still choosing kindness

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:03

      and use the code Jefferson for 40% off. You'll wanna give it a try. People think that because I make content about how to communicate that every conversation I have is rainbows, it's sunny days, it's a Hallmark movie. False. All right? I am a trial attorney. It invites conflict. Every person that I talk to generally is either wrapped up in conflict, defending the conflict, or pursuing the conflict. That doesn't mean I don't always

5. 2:34 – 4:06

   What 'kind' really means: directness, clarity, and leaving

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:34

      get it right. Let's be honest. I d- uh, nobody's perfect, but what I can tell you is I've never regretted saying the kind thing, choosing to say the kind thing. This is what I wanna leave you with right now. Wherever you're listening, if you're walking, driving in the car, this is what I want you to know. Whatever situation comes to mind for you right now, because most likely hearing me, you're thinking about this confrontation that you had, this conversation you're about to have with somebody, or maybe you're in the middle of right now. Listen to me and do this. Number one, choose the kind thing, because it is a choice. Say the kinder thing. I'm not saying you have to be nice. I'm saying choose to say the kind thing, because sometimes you have to shift the definition of what kindness is. Sometimes being very clear is kind. Being very direct is kind. Sometimes leaving the conversation is the kindest thing you can do. Sometime being as direct as you can be is the kindest thing you can do. Whenever you beat around the bush and you come at it indirectly, sometimes that's, that's not very kind to the other person. It's not kind to yourself. And sometimes if you stay in this conversation and they're just berating you and they're dumping all of the things on you, the kindest thing you can do is to leave that conversation, leave that relationship, cut off the connection with that other person, because sometimes that's the kind thing. So what kindness is can certainly to be contextual to whatever situation you have, and I promise you

6. 4:06 – 5:07

   Why harsh words haunt you: guilt, shame, and long-term regret

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:06

      your heart's gonna get it right. Your gut is going to get it right. Ask yourself, "What is the kind thing?" I promise you, I promise you your instinct will be true, and it's rarely going scorched earth. I'm not saying there's not a time and a place for this. I'm not saying I'm perfect and I've never gone scorched earth. What I'm saying is the times in my life, and I know you can relate to this, I can think back on conversations that I had early in my career or different parts of my life, and I feel ashamed of the things that I said to somebody. I feel regret over things I said to some of the people I love the most because my emotions got the better of me, and that stays with me, right? That doesn't stay with them. I'm the one that carries it. Often when it's our words, we feel the most guilty about it. I could say something to even one of my kids, and of course my kids are gonna forgive me, but if it doesn't keep me up at night, you know, and golly, and you'll beat yourself up over it. You know, you know that's true. So

7. 5:07 – 5:37

   Kindness doesn’t feel good now—but it pays off later

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:07

      how do we fix that? Whatever situation you're in, choose, because it's a choice, to do or say the kind thing. Why? Because you will not regret it. It may not feel good now. In fact, it won't feel good now. Listen to me. It's not gonna feel good. It's not supposed to feel good right now. But in a few hours, tomorrow, in the next week, in 10 years from now, you will look back and be so glad that

8. 5:37 – 6:38

   The argument-stopper phrase: “Maybe so.”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:37

      you have no regret in that conversation because you chose to say the kind thing. Number two, little things that we can do to improve our life right now in communication. When somebody is confronting you with something, this is gonna help you be more kind. When somebody's confronting you with something and you want to bluster, you wanna get worked up, and you feel like you have this stuff coming on, and you're about to say something you're going to regret, a phrase that has bailed me out so many times Is this very short, easy phrase: Maybe so. Maybe so. That phrase has bailed me out of so many fights. Somebody... What happens, you're, you're in conversation with somebody, maybe it's a grandparent, somebo- it's typically somebody in family, and they have a very strong opinion about what you should be doing, or a very strong opinion about what you should believe, or how you should be raising your kids, or how you should be voting, where you should be going to church. Whatever it is, they have very strong opinions, and they want those opinions to be yours. And you have a moment. Do I, do

9. 6:38 – 8:11

   Example in action: using “Maybe so” during a deposition insult

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:38

      I put up my fence, and is this gonna be a thing now? That's what goes through your head. Is this... Okay, I guess w- this is now a thing. Rather than that, if you wanna show up with a little bit more kindness to do the kind thing, use the phrase, "Maybe so." It instantly diffuses the fight. It, it all blows away. Maybe so. You say something to me that's ugly? Yeah, maybe so. I had it once in a deposition, and anybody who's read my book, The Next Conversation, you know one of the first stories I tell. I had a, a deponent, a, a witness who I was deposing, insult me in the middle of the deposition. He, he said that he, he... I'm not gonna reenact it, I guess, but what he said in the deposition was, "All you lawyers, I, I, I don't trust any one of you. All you do is lie, so go ahead and ask your stupid questions." That, it was... It upset me big time in that moment. It really, really upset me. I coulda made that a thing. Instead, what I said was, "Well, maybe so." You see how I'm just, I'm sidestepping to say, "I'm not making this about me. If I start to enter into it, then I'm starting to make it about me." You ever had those moments where something's happening and you're going, "I don't know what's happening here, but it's not about me"? That happens way more than you think it does. Way more than you think it does. When you use the phrase, "Maybe so," it has a way of diffusing that tension, and it's showing up kinder in your

10. 8:11 – 8:41

    Kindness with boundaries: not people-pleasing, not going too far

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:11

       conversations. When I say choose the kind thing, I don't mean shower everybody with kindness to where you're just, you're so permissive to where you let everybody just walk all over you, and you people please, and it's, it's all, "I'm, I... It's not me. I'm so hesitant. Let me get out of the way." That's not what I'm talking about. Kindness is sometimes choosing the kind thing for, for you. Again, your, your gut, your heart, your instinct, your character is what's gonna carry you the day. And usually, you know that it's that one thing

11. 8:41 – 9:41

    Sponsor: Pique Tea (evening routine and health benefits)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher8:41

       you could be saying that's really gonna hurt them, and you just choose not to say it. You just don't say the one thing too far. [upbeat music] Before we keep going, I wanna take a second to tell you about Pique Tea. You don't know this, but I'm a tea guy, especially in the evenings once the kids go down. Not in the mornings, but sometime, for whatever reason, in the evenings, I like to drink an herbal tea. And I have found Pique teas, and I am a huge fan of them. I get my tea, I like it hot, and I typically am doing a puzzle. Anybody else like puzzles? [laughs] Maybe it's just me. And reading, and it just calms me down, settles me down. So what I like so much about these is it's not just like instant coffee. They're different. These crystals, the way they brew them, they cold brew them, you're left with 12 times the amount of antioxidants as other teas, which is great. And so it's really good for your gut health, your longevity, and they're really good for you. So I encourage you to give them a try right now. No brewing, no mess. You can just pour them right in, whether it's hot, cold, on the go. You can grab 20% off for

12. 9:41 – 11:44

    Think ahead: zoom out beyond the single moment (and delay when needed)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher9:41

       life. 20% off for life, plus a free little frother that's really nice, and a glass beaker for your bundle. You can go to piquelife.com/jefferson. Now, pay attention. It's Pique, P-I-Q-U-E, life.com/jefferson. And with a 90-day money back guarantee, there's no risk, so give it a try. And now, back to the episode. What's another way that you can better show up in your conversations that's going to improve your life? I want you to start thinking more ahead in your conversations. We have this tendency that... Can you hear... I'm, I feel like I'm getting worked up. Like, I, I feel... This is, this is something I feel so passionate about, is, and I, and I hope you can hear this. Whenever you're in conversation, we typically only think about that very single conversation. We don't think about the moment after the conversation. We get so wrapped up in this moment, because I see you face to face, that this is the only thing in time that exists, and I think this little moment of conversation is everything, when truly it's just a blip. It is just a, a whisper, a glimmer of a moment in your timeframe, in your story, in your chapter. And we get so wrapped up in these little bitty conversations that we don't think about how we want to be seen five years from now, how we want to be seen in the next chapter, how we want to be seen even next week. Right? After. When you ask yourself in these conversations, and again, this is a lot of prep work, so let's say this, these are moments that you need to think about before the conversation. And if you can, think about it in the conversation. How do you do that? Delay it. And I mean that in a positive way. When you feel like you don't have enough time in the conversation, say, "I, I'll address this this, this evening. I'd like to talk about this tomorrow instead." Anytime you can delay the conversation, that's gonna give you more time to regulate, because when you get all wrapped up in the day, what matters tomorrow is rarely the same. You look at something today and you get, you get worked up over an email, and what do you do? You type an email and you get all wrapped up in it. If you just decide not to send

13. 11:44 – 12:44

    Future-self test: look back one year and judge how you showed up

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:44

       that, you wake up the next day and look at it, you go, "I don't even need to respond to this." Time has a way of sifting things out. So how can we apply this to your everyday conversation? Get in the habit of seeing the back end of it as if you are one year ahead in time and looking back on the conversation. How did it go? Am I gonna be proud of who I was in this conversation? Am, am I gonna be proud of what I said? Did I choose to do the kind thing, or did I just choose to say what felt right in that moment, even though it absolutely burned every bridge? I'm not saying there's some bridges that shouldn't be burned. That's not my point. I'm saying, can you look back and say, "I feel good about what I did"? I know in my own life, there's times where I don't feel good about it, and I'm sure with you, th- there's same. Rarely have I ever regretted saying the kind thing. How can we have a better life in the way we communicate, and how can we use the power of our communication to have a better, more

14. 12:44 – 13:44

    3-part recap + final encouragement

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:44

       fulfilling life? One, choose to say the kind thing. It's not gonna feel good in the moment, but later it will. You won't regret it. Choose to say the kind thing. Number two, use words that diffuse the tension, like maybe so. Maybe so is such a, a word that lifts. There's no pressure. Eh, maybe so. Maybe not. Maybe so. Number three, start looking on the back end of your conversations as if you are one year in the future, looking back on it and saying, "Am I proud of who I show up? Am I proud of who I was? Am I proud of what I said?" And if the answer is yes, congratulations. You, you did the right thing that aligns with you, whatever that is. All right. Go be good. Go absolutely do the kind thing in the next conversation that you have, if you can. I understand. We're all human. But if you can. That's my reminder for today. I hope you have a wonderful day wherever you are, wherever you're listening. Again, if you would, please subscribe and follow this podcast. And as always, you can try that, and follow me.

Episode duration: 13:45