Responding to Inappropriate Questions: What to Say without Getting Defensive

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Why inappropriate questions catch us off guard—and what this episode will fix

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      It's pretty incredible, isn't it? The things that some people are willing to say out loud. In those moments where you're taken aback and caught off guard, do you say something? Do you not say something? What do you do? In today's episode, it's all about how to handle inappropriate questions and comments. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you

2. 0:30 – 1:00

   Quick housekeeping: follow, reviews, and book pre-order bonuses

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      to follow this podcast, and if you would, please leave a review. If you have any topic suggestions, just throw them in the comments. I'll read them. I also wanna make sure I tell you that my new book, The Next Conversation, is officially out on pre-order. Down in the show notes, you'll find a link to it. And those that pre-ordered, well, I made you some bonuses. I made three free bonuses that can help you. I made them myself, and I know you're gonna really like them, so those who pre-order, that's what you get. The next time that someone asks you an inappropriate question or makes an inappropriate comment, here's

3. 1:00 – 2:01

   The 3-step response framework: silence, clarifying question, light deflection

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:00

      what I want you to do. Number one, say nothing. Just add five seconds of silence. This is a tip that I use all the time and recommend because it truly does work. About five seconds of silence, and you have to pair it with your face. All right? You don't have to say anything but the look, and you know what kinda look I'm talking about. That look that says, "I know you didn't just ask me what I think you asked me." Most of the time, that's all you have to do. Number two, you, if you need to be a little bit more direct, I'm gonna encourage you to use phrases that aren't gonna get the other person defensive. Phrases like, "What's your intent?" As in, what's your intent on asking, or, "What makes you want to know?" These are questions that, though direct, aren't gonna make the situation worse. And number three, if you can, depending on the person, just kinda play it off. These are s- friendly, uh, ways to say things lighthearted, such as, "Ah, I like to keep a little mystery," or, "That's between me and myself." Something that keeps the mood lighthearted, a little bit friendly, and lets them know,

4. 2:01 – 3:32

   Most people aren’t “bad”—context and intent matter

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:01

      uh, you're not gonna give that kind of information. Now, listen, everybody is guilty of asking or making an inappropriate comment or question. Everybody. It's just called putting your foot in your mouth, where you didn't really mean to say that out loud and you can't believe you said that. You just go, "Oh, my gosh, I, I can't believe I just said that," and you wish you could, you could put it back in, but you can't un-ring that bell. So I wanna clarify that those who make inappropriate comments and questions, it doesn't make them a bad person. Now, there are some that, that are bad, of course. But it doesn't mean that if you make the inappropriate question, that's exactly who that person is. Sometimes it's just an off day. Sometimes they can't believe that they just asked that, and they need you, in many ways, to show them that what they just did is not acceptable. Some people don't mean it to be inappropriate. Right? You've asked that question or said something that it just came off the wrong way. What makes it inappropriate? A lot of different things, a lot of different contexts, but often some people just might ask a question and realize, "Oh, wait, I shouldn't have asked that. Oh, uh, I shouldn't have. I totally made a mistake there." It doesn't mean that it's necessarily inappropriate, it just means they asked the wrong question at the wrong time and said it the wrong way. So it might not be inappropriate to ask, but it might be inappropriate on, in terms of the overall context. So any time you feel that, I want, I wanna make sure that I emphasize it's a case-by-case basis, and you're gonna have to base it on

5. 3:32 – 5:03

   Silence as a boundary: you’re not obligated to respond

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:32

      who you're talking to, what you know about that person, what the context is, what the circumstances are. So don't assume that just because they asked it, it makes them a good or bad person. If there's one thing that I pray that you've learned from me, if you've listened to any of my podcasts or watch any of my content, it's that silence is truly powerful tool that you can use to apply with just about anything. When somebody's making a comment that is inappropriate or asking that question, using silence as your answer is a way to set your feet in the conversation and saying, "No." Okay? It's a way of, like, almost putting up the hand, and it's just, it's, you're not having to do anything. Understand that just because they asked that question, it is solely within your power to decide if you say anything at all. Hear me again. It is solely within your power when somebody asks that inappropriate question for you to have any response whatsoever. Understand, you can have nothing. You can say nothing. You can walk away. You could just ignore it, and that is solely within your power. And there's nothing wrong with that, depending on what they ask. Silence is a way to allow them to hear what they said back, for them to go, "Oh, hear, that, that didn't sound good at all." What I like to do and encourage when somebody's making inappropriate question

6. 5:03 – 6:04

   Pair silence with a controlled facial expression (nonverbal messaging)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:03

      or comment is to give them a face. Not like a stank face [laughs] not like a, an angry face. I'm just saying look. A look like, "God, did you really just ask me that? Did you, did you really just say that?" It, it, this face that says, "Do I really have to comment on that?" Or maybe even stronger, "This is not something I'm going to comment on." When you pair with that non-verbal communication, you say all that you need to say without saying a single word. All right? So any time that you feel that, that tension, the biggest takeaway that I want you to have is you're under no obligation to say a thing. So often we feel like just because somebody asks us something, we have to have an answer, we have to have a response. Typically, when somebody says something inappropriate, we kind of, in the South we say hem and haw. We, you kinda just go, "I, I mean, uh, well, I, I mean..." And you feel like you have to have some kinda answer because they asked. When it's inappropriate, there's no obligation. There's nothing

7. 6:04 – 8:35

   Ask a mirror-question: “What’s your intent?” and “What makes you ask?”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:04

      polite, a, a rule that you need to follow. It's just simply staying within your own power and your needs and your own mental health of saying, "You know what? No, that's not something I'm going to respond to." Now, if you need to be a little bit more direct, then I'm gonna encourage you to ask a question back to them. So often you're not giving them the answer that they want, you're asking a question that serves as a second mirror in a way to see what are they getting, what are they getting at here? What's the point? So you ask the question, "What's your intent?" Meaning, what's your intent on asking that? Usually, if I ask that question, somebody says something, an inappropriate question, I might ask, "What was your, what was your intent? What's your intent with that?" They often will say, "Oh, well I, I mean..." And they'll, they'll try and find an intent if they have one, or, "What makes you wanna know? What makes you wanna know?" Often when you ask those kind of questions, being very direct about it, you're gonna find they don't really have a reason. [laughs] They don't have a true reason in wanting to know that information. They just wanna know, or they felt like they ought to have it and ask something and so they feel like just because they asked, they're gonna get it. They're gonna realize that's, that's just not the case. Or what also happens is because I, I make mistakes, you make mistakes, we all make mistakes, is that when you ask that question, "What makes you wanna know? What makes you ask?" It's not why, all right? I'm not saying the word why, which makes them defensive, like, "Why do you wanna know?" Instead of it's what. What makes you ask? Using what doesn't get people nearly as defensive. So if I say, "What makes you ask?" They might have a reason that I go, "Oh, it's, it wasn't inappropriate at all. I, I just heard it wrong. I misinterpreted what they were wanting." Often that happens to everybody, where you assume one thing, 'cause we like to assume the worst, we're humans, and what they meant to ask was something completely innocent. We just heard it wrong. So when you serve a question that is a, a mirror, like, what's your intent in asking or what makes you ask, and you find out, oh, they actually have a good reason, oh, they actually have an, a, a good intent in asking, it's not inappropriate at all, then it's a way of not taking it personally, right? You're, you're giving them grace in that moment, and you're also giving grace to yourself as in, of saying, "Oh man, I, I, I got this all wrong. Yeah, of course I'll answer that, that question. So glad that you asked." So often it,

8. 8:35 – 10:05

   If you still don’t want to answer: lighthearted boundary lines that keep things smooth

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:35

      it works both ways, where you're not just assuming the worst out of everybody. Instead, you're asking this question that is going to be both a buffer for the other person as well as yourself. And so let's say that you gave that five seconds of silence, and then you followed up with a question of what makes you ask, and they have an okay answer, but not something that you still really wanna share. What I like to recommend is give a little bit of lightheartedness into your response. Reason being, at that point, I don't feel like they've done enough, depending on what they've said, for me to use my words to shut the door in their face, which we will talk about should you need that. But I lighthearted in terms of, "Well, I like to keep a little mystery," or, "That's between me and myself," or the one I like to use is, "That one's for me. That one's for me." In other words, I'm saying, "Hey, you know a lot about me, most likely. Uh, the fact that we're talking together, you, you might know some things about me, or you think you know. But that one, that particular element that you're asking, that one's for me. I'm keeping that one to myself. You don't, you don't get that one." That's what I'm sending with that message. So understand, if you need to, just go back and say, "Well, that one's for me. That one's for me." Uh, you, you're not gonna share it. You don't need to share it, and you're letting them know that what they asked is not something that is for them to find out. Now with my favorite part of the podcast, and this is where I get to answer a question from

9. 10:05 – 11:06

   Listener Q&A setup: Rachel’s supervisor asks inappropriate questions at work

   1. JFJefferson Fisher10:05

      a follower. If you're part of my newsletter where I send out one communication tip once a week right to your inbox, I'm able to respond to people, and they're able to ask me questions. And here on the podcast, I have been, uh, doing this since I started, and I pull a question from someone given the topic that I'm gonna be talking about that, that given week. This one is from Rachel. Rachel is in Brazil. Rachel says, "Jefferson, love your information. Thank you so much. I find it so useful." Thanks, Rachel. "I have a problem. There is somebody that I work with who likes to ask me inappropriate questions. This is a supervisor. I never know really what to do. I typically try to just laugh it off, but I'd like to have an actual response. Any help would be appreciated." Rachel, I totally understand what you're going through. Most of the time, these kind of situations come up at work, right? Where you, where you're not really family, but yet you're together all the time, so people feel like they can ask certain things or say certain things that they otherwise wouldn't feel comfortable about

10. 11:06 – 11:36

    Workplace tactic: redirect nervousness into a calm line—start with silence or “What makes you ask?”

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:06

       should y'all just be regular strangers on the street. So in that kind of situation, this is what I'd recommend to you, Rachel. Try a little bit of silence and instead of this laughing nervousness, channel that into a response. If silence feels uncomfortable to you or you feel like that's gonna put you in a position that makes it feel more awkward, which is not a bad thing, by the way, channel that into a response of what makes you ask, right? And s- take away that nervous

11. 11:36 – 14:08

    Use “preference/history” language to set boundaries without making them feel singled out

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:36

       energy and channel that into a response. When you start speaking, a lot of that nervous energy tends to flow out because you're breathing it out, all right? So when that happens, just what makes you ask? What makes you ask? And if this person, let's say the supervisor, is just tending to press a little bit more, make you feel uncomfortable in that way, then use words of preference in past. This is what I mean by that. When you say words that show that you have a history of doing things- It doesn't make it nearly as awkward because it, it's not as, um, brunt, uh, with somebody for them to be... Uh, is brunt even a word? I feel like it should be. [laughs] Maybe blunt. Uh, maybe brash. I mean, i-t in that work environment, you don't want to sound like you're gonna turn them off. I mean, they're probably... You're probably good friends with this person, or you work with this person. You wanna have a good relationship, so you don't wanna just, you know, kick them in the teeth with your words. Uh, but when you use phrases like, "Well, I prefer to," or, "I typically," or, "Most of the time," or, "In the past," anytime you can indicate that you have a history of doing certain things a certain way, then that other person feels like this is just part of your manual. This is how you operate. I'm not singled out. So if they ask you an inappropriate question, uh, let's say, as... L- let's say a guy asks, just for some dumb reason, asks what your pant size is, okay, or what shoe size or wha- wha- you know, whatever it is, or your weight or anything, often you can say, "Oh, I, I, I prefer not to share that," instead of, "That's private," right? In- instead of having this snappy response where somebody goes, "Oh, excuse me. Sorry," when you can use phrases that say, "I prefer not to share that," or, "I typically don't talk about my appearance," a- any, any way to s- show that you have a history of doing things, whether it's, uh, typically in the past, uh, the way I prefer to s- do something, the way I typically do something, it allows you and the other person to have a much more smoother interaction because they don't feel like they're singled out. It makes them feel like, "Oh, this is just how you respond. This is part of your manual. This is part of the instructions, that if I wanna talk to you, this is not something that you share. So it's not that I'm the big, bad person who asked this bad question."

12. 14:08 – 15:09

    When it’s truly over the line: label it plainly—and escalate if needed

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:08

       It is a, this is s- information that you just categorically don't share. Often, that's gonna go a whole lot better in that kind of situation. Now, Rachel, if they ask you a question that is just totally below the belt, it is not something that they should ever come out of their mouth, and you need to be a lot more strong with it, then channel that nervous energy into absolute seriousness that says, "That is not an appropriate question. That is not an appropriate question." Here you are labeling what they just asked. Simple as that. "That is not an appropriate question." Cool? So a- when you hear that, most likely they're gonna hear that, and it's gonna channel to them, "Oh, I'm so sorry." They ought to be apologizing. If they're not, well, then I encourage you to find some other ways to report that kind of behavior 'cause that's unacceptable. All right, Rachel, wish you the best. Thank you for listening to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, I'm gonna ask you to follow

13. 15:09 – 15:31

    Closing: follow, reviews, and where to listen

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:09

       this podcast and, of course, leave a review. I read these reviews, and they mean a whole lot to me. Um, I, I read them all the time, so they, they matter a whole lot. Again, my book is out for pre-order, and you can find this podcast wherever you like to listen, on Audible, Spotify, Apple, any of them. So as always, you can just try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 15:32