Responding To Rude Comments Without Losing Your Cool

1. 0:00 – 1:30

   3-step framework for handling rude comments (overview)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      Today we're talking about how to respond to rude comments, those moments you're caught off guard by something that wasn't nice. Do you say something? Do you not say something? What do you say? All that and more coming right up. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to subscribe or follow this podcast. And please leave a review. It really does help. And if you have any suggestions on topics, as always, just throw them in the comments. The next time someone makes a rude comment towards you, here's what I want you to do. Number one: begin your response with the phrase, "Did you mean?" It's a question of intent, and we're gonna go into detail on that. "Did you mean?" Number two: if it's a more passive-aggressive type of rude comment, in other words, it's not directly at you, it's more off to the side, and you know and they know it was meant for you, we're gonna have questions that check them. These are questions like, "Did I offend you in some way?" Or, "Are you doing all right? It sounds like you're having a, a hard day." There are ways that you can check them without coming across like you're also wanting to be rude. And number three: my personal favorite response to a rude comment is nothing at all. You respond with absolute silence. But there's a technique and a trick on how to do it correctly. And here's the thing about rude comments: they're tests. They're ways for the other person to test and

2. 1:30 – 3:01

   Why rude comments escalate: the "card game" you should refuse to play

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:30

      assess what your temperature is. Can they get a reaction out of you or not? So I want you to pretend it's like a card game, and you have a set of cards, they have a set of cards. When they first make that rude comment, they're playing a two. You have a choice. Do I play this game or do I not? Maybe you decide that you want to. You're gonna lay a four. Well, they're gonna lay another rude comment, and then they play a seven. And you go, "Okay, how far do I push this? How often, how far do we go in these rude comments between one another?" And that's a bad game to play, because nobody wins. All right? Everybody's gonna lose in that game. One of you's gonna have to apologize, and it's typically the person who plays the last card. Whoever says the worst thing that shuts the game down is typically the person who is now the responsibility to apologize first, when you can end it all by just not playing the game. Uh, rude comments are like platforms to where if they say something rude and you say something rude, well, you've now just justified them in taking another step. You've now justified and said, uh, convinced them that you are every bit of the comment that they just made. Because now instead of being curious about it and saying, "Hey, where's this coming from?" Instead you're doubling down on it, which makes it look like you're confirming what they said and saying, "Yeah, but even but, you're this and you're that, and you're X, Y, and Z." They're just gonna get more defensive, and then it's gonna continue to ramp up. So it's a losing game. Lose-lose situation. Don't do it. So let's assume that someone's made a rude comment towards

3. 3:01 – 3:32

   Defining "rude" and why context/relationships change your response

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:01

      you. Rude comments, in my opinion, are ones that they're not terribly insulting, s- like super condescending, bad, bad things that you would say directly to somebody, but they're also not polite, they're not nice, they're not kind. They kind of fall in between. Usually they catch you off guard, that you're not expecting them in some way, and at that moment you have a decision. Do I respond or do I not respond? And the answer depends on the context. It also depends on the relationship. But let's assume in this

4. 3:32 – 4:02

   Workplace example: "Nice of you to finally show up" (handling public digs)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:32

      situation w- you, you're walking into a meeting and you have somebody that you know is ... Y- you two really don't get along all that much, but they make this comment. They say, "Well, it's nice of you to finally show up." In that moment, you know that's a dig. The other people around know that's a dig. But they may not know the history between you two, so you're stuck in this situation of, "Well, what do I say?" Because if I'm ugly and I bring up past stuff, the people around you aren't gonna understand. But they will understand if you decide to be rude right

5. 4:02 – 4:32

   Tool #1 — "Did you mean…?" as a question of intent

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:02

      in that moment. So how you respond matters. What I like to suggest, and number one, is you use the question, "Did you mean?" And you insert different ways to respond. For example, "Did you mean for that to sound rude?" "Did you mean to embarrass me?" "Did you mean to upset me?" When you say, "Did you mean," you give them a chance to clarify. You give them a chance to assess what they just said. It's

6. 4:32 – 5:32

   Why "Did you mean" works: de-escalation, integrity, and avoiding mind-reading

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:32

      a question of intent, meaning you wanna find out, what was your intent in saying that? What, what were you trying to achieve by making that comment? And so when you say things that are questions of intent, you make them double back on what they said. And often you can avoid an argument altogether. Because let's assume that this person who made this comment, well, they're not really just ... They weren't really trying to be ugly. It came out the wrong way. That's not what they were really trying to say. So when you say, "Did, did you mean to, to embarrass me?" Or, "Did you mean for that to sound offensive or rude?" Nine times out of 10, when you call them to the mat on that kind of question, they'll say, "Oh, no, no. What, what I meant to say was ..." "Oh, no, no, no. What I meant to do..." And they try and clarify or they backtrack or they, they further explain. And that makes you look more wise. It looks like you have integrity. It looks like you're the one that's being the bigger person by checking it rather than just assuming their intent

7. 5:32 – 6:33

   Applying "Did you mean" to texts and email tone misunderstandings

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:32

      on it. And I also want to explain that this works really well with text or email. How many times have you been in a communication with someone and the text just read the wrong way? You ever had somebody just say, "K," or, "Okay," when y- you all of a sudden just felt like, "Oh, that's just them being dismissive. They're not really taking me seriously." And automatically you just wanna shut them off. You go, "Oh, okay. Fine. I don't have to be like that." Easy way to check that is for you to text, "Did you mean for that to be short?" "Did you mean for that to sound like you're upset?" Often they'll clarify that and say, "No, no, no, no. I, I was just in the middle of something," or, "I was, I was, uh, during an errand, I was making a cup of coffee, and I just wanted to let you know that I got the text." So often you can have this sense of giving grace to other people by just simply asking the question and setting up the phrase, "Did you mean?" It can really put out arguments before they even start. Now,

8. 6:33 – 8:35

   Tool #2 — Handling passive-aggressive rude comments with "It sounds like…" checks

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:33

      I also want you to dial in on passive-aggressive comments that are rude. Passive-aggressive comments, as you know, they're not direct, meaning they don't feel comfortable in their personality to say things to your face. Instead, they will say them in a way that's kinda snarky and snide off to the side because they don't feel comfortable saying them directly to, to face to face. So here's what I mean. Let's assume you're in a conversation with someone and they make this comment. "I mean, it'd be nice, you know, if somebody cared." You both know it's aimed towards you, but instead they couch it in terms of it'd be nice if somebody cared. How you deal with that is you pull them out of their current environment, meaning you have to make them step back in the conversation understanding what they just said. So if they were to make that comment, "It would be nice if somebody cared," you respond with a question that checks them like this: "It sounds like there's more to that. It sounds like there's more to that." In that moment, you're pulling them out and they go, "Oh, wait. What did I just say?" And you're calling them to the mat in a way that says, "What exactly are you trying to say? Do you understand what you just said? It sounds like there's more to what you're telling me." In other words, I'm, I'm catching this passive-aggressive behavior, and I'm not just going to let it fly by. Another way to ask is, "It sounds like you're having a, a hard day," or, "It sounds like we need to have a- another discussion," or, "We need to talk a little bit more." Using these phrases like, "It sounds like," "It seems like," and throwing things out there in a way that encourage them to talk more is going to get you a whole lot farther than just saying, "Oh, y- you're talking about me? You wish I cared? Let me tell you about..." That's gonna just make it even worse. So instead, you're gonna catch them with questions that say, uh, "it sounds like" or "it seems like." Now, okay, now my favorite. Number three is to respond with silence. But there is a trick, a technique that

9. 8:35 – 10:07

   Tool #3 — Strategic silence: the 4-second pause and the "counsel table" mindset

   1. JFJefferson Fisher8:35

      I like to do, and that is to count... Well, you don't have to count, but it needs to last four seconds. Four seconds is enough to be defined as a long pause, meaning if somebody were to make a rude comment towards you, you're going to look at them for four seconds. One, two, three, four. Enough to give a look of almost puzzlement as if you find it curious. And what you're doing in those four seconds is you're saying, "I heard it. I listened to it. I evaluated it, and I have concluded that it is not worthy of a response from me. It's not something I'm even going to entertain. It's not something I'm even going to put back into this world. It is just going to fall aside." A nice, uh, idea that you can have in your mind, a mindset of it, as if you have a desk off to the side. What I talk with my clients is it's a counsel desk. You're an attorney, you're standing up, and you have a counsel desk. When somebody gives you something that you don't want and you know it's rude, you take that piece of paper, that's their words, and without even looking on it, you set it to the side on the counsel table as if you say, "No, I know my truth. I know my presence. I know my purpose here. I'm gonna take what you've just said that I know to be rude 'cause I've listened to it, I heard it, I considered it, I weighed it, and I'm just putting it right here on the counsel table." And that's the best way to handle those rude comments, just nothing but silence. Okay,

10. 10:07 – 12:39

    Listener email: coping with short, blunt colleague emails

    1. JFJefferson Fisher10:07

       now we're at, at the portion of the episode where I get to read an email from a follower. Uh, if you're not already signed up, you can sign up there in the show notes for my newsletter. It's a weekly newsletter where I send out a communication to, once a week right to your inbox, short and sweet, typically three points. Uh, and I'm gonna read one right now. So this one is from Amy. She's over in Paris. That's awesome. Uh, y'all, y'all should be getting ready for the Olympics, right? The, the Olympics I think are starting, like, in a week. Uh, she says, "Hey, Jefferson. Love your stuff." Thanks, Amy. "I have a problem with a colleague who always emails very short sentences. I try not to take them personally, but I have a tough time with it. Is there something I can do to make her emails not so short?" Amy, totally gotcha. You're not the only one that has this problem. Um, in the business world, we value expedient- expediency where we like everything to be very fast. We want very quick, short. You have Slack. You have different ways of instant messaging people. So having very short few word responses are pretty normal. But I want to commend you on not taking them personally because that's, that can go to a nice, a, a negative spot, a dark place very quickly. Here's what I want you to do. Like, just what we talked about earlier in this episode, you can use, "Did you mean?" So if you were to reply to something, if she said something very short and you felt it to be dismissive or you felt it be a negative feeling inside you when you, when you read that, you can always clear it up with a, "Did you mean?" "Did you mean for that to sound short?" Question mark, and send that. What you don't want to do, what I don't want you to do is start assuming, is to start assuming the intent, that you start to just have a, an email that is four sentences, six sentences long where you all of a sudden have a paragraph where you're trying to just assume and guess what this person meant or you're assuming a certain tone and so you're sending it back to this person in a negative light. Don't do that. Just very quickly say, "Did you mean for that to sound short?" It sh- it should be cleared up pretty quickly. Another thing that you can do That it's gonna depend on your relationship with this person is to ask them for more context. Can you go further? Can you go a little deeper into that? Ask those questions, those probing questions that make them, uh, uh, give you more information to just like, "Can I have some more context with that?" Question mark. You don't need something, uh,

11. 12:39 – 14:40

    Listener email: passive-aggressive mother at family functions

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:39

       long and detailed to say, "Hey, I am so sorry," which is over-apologizing, right? Like we talked about in the prior episode. Instead of saying, "Hey, I'm so sorry. Um, I'm not really sure exactly what you're saying. I wonder if you're asking this. Are you asking that?" That's too much. Just keep it short, to the point. You got this, Amy. Okay, I got time for another one. This one is from Paul in Arizona. Paul says, "Hey Jefferson, love your stuff, man." Thanks, Paul. Appreciate it. "I have a mother that likes to make rude comments under her breath that are kind of passive aggressive a lot of the times at family functions. I'm not sure how best to handle it. What do you suggest?" [inhales deeply] Oh, Paul, sorry about that. That's, um, that's tricky. Mamas are tricky. A lot of emotion, a lot of history, a lot of feelings wrapped up in that. Here's what I can tell you. Uh, if this is a mama that loves you, which I'm assuming that it is, uh, you wanna make sure that whatever you say is kind back. So when you're ugly to somebody and when you're rude, often what it does, uh, like we discussed, is make them jump. So if you say something rude, well now she feels like she's justified in saying something a little bit more direct that's not so under her breath. And you have to be also careful of the context. You have family around, maybe other kids around, so you wanna be careful of that. Real quick way, if she's making these passive aggressive comments, is that rule number two, step number two, where you get to say, "There sounds like there's more to that, Mom. Mom, it sounds like there's more to what you're saying." Or ask the question, "Is there more to what you're saying?" When you're asking that question, "Is there more?" it's you not just taking her comment as something offensive for you to al- automatically get defensive about. Instead, you're taking a moment to be curious about what she said and diving deeper into, "I want to know more because I can tell this is coming from a place that is unresolved. I can tell this is coming from a place that's, that's deeper than what we're talking about." So when you have that moment,

12. 14:40 – 16:10

    Final recap: the 3 responses to keep your cool (and closing)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:40

       just check her by bringing her out of that environment and say, "It sounds like we, there's something that else that we need to discuss." And often that will take care of it altogether. But bottom line is, depending on the context, and of course, because it's your mother, uh, you wanna make sure that you approach a situation with a lot of grace and a lot of patience. So what are we gonna do the next time that someone makes a comment that is rude toward you? All right. N- number one, you're gonna remember the, did you mean? The did you mean for that to sound rude? Did you mean for that to hurt my feelings? You're gonna find a way to, to be a mirror so that they can hear what they've said and see if they're gonna clarify it and fix it, and that will often remove the argument. You can also, when we're talking about number two, passive aggressive comments, check them by pulling them out of their current environment to say, "It seems like," or, "It sounds like." "It sounds like you're having a hard day. It seems like there's more to what you're saying." Getting them to come to bring to light what they're really trying to say. And number three, of course, anybody can do it, and that's to say nothing. Count in your head four seconds and then continue on with your day. And that's how to handle rude comments. [upbeat music] If you'd like to support this podcast and continue improving your education skills, I'm gonna ask you to please subscribe to this podcast. Follow it wherever you like to listen, whether it's on YouTube, Apple, Spotify, wherever you like to get them. And if you have any questions or topic suggestions, you can always throw them into the comments. And as always, try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 16:11