The 3 Parenting Skills That Shape Future Communicators

1. 0:00 – 0:31

   A father’s boundary phrase: “You don’t have to like it—just understand it”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      I can remember it like it was yesterday. My dad is in his chair. I think every father has their designated spot in the house. My dad was in his. And I'm in my parents' living room, I'm probably 17, and I am upset. I am disagreeing vocally with a judgment call he had made. I don't remember about what. It might have been, uh, how late I could stay out, my curfew, or whether I could or could not go to a friend's house. I don't know. Whatever

2. 0:31 – 1:01

   Who this episode is for: raising kids into strong communicators

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:31

      it was, I was very upset about it, and we had had some back and forth, and he eventually said, "No. No. Jefferson, the answer is no." And what did I do at the age of 17? I pushed back again, and this is what he told me. He took a breath and he said, "Well, you don't have to like it." I mean, he smiled even doing that. And he said, "You don't have to like it. You just need to understand it." This episode today is for the parents. If you have

3. 1:01 – 3:03

   Quick channel notes, resources, and sponsor message

   1. JFJefferson Fisher1:01

      any kids, you wanna have kids, you're curious on my philosophy on raising children and how to teach them to be better communicators, and the lessons that I can pass on through my own family and upbringing, this episode is for you. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask you to please follow this podcast, and if you would, leave a review. And I mean it. If you're just watching this, just take a second and click subscribe. It takes no time at all. If you ever wanna unsubscribe, no problem. But what it does when you follow, subscribe, leave a heart, leave a review, is that it tells the platforms that this is good content. And if you find this to be good content, and if you're listening to it, I really hope that you do that. That would really mean a whole lot to me. If you're wanting to go even further in your communication skills, I have a membership that I, I teach classes monthly. I have two live Q&A calls and a master class that I, I do in tandem with the University of Texas at Austin. Um, and I, I love it. It's a whole lot of fun. So if you're interested in, in going further, I want you to check that out. I have an AI that's a whole lot of fun, and people are getting a whole lot of value out of that. And I also have a newsletter where once a week, I send a communication tip right to your inbox, and those are tools that you can use right away. This podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth. It is one of the most comfortable pieces of clothing I will ever put on. I can't imagine anything more comfortable than that. It is something I wear all the time when I'm traveling. I'm now done with the book tour officially, finally. I loved it. It was awesome to rely on something that was comfortable whenever I traveled. Now, we really like them here at home for their bedsheets. Their bedsheets are incredible. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson and use the code JEFFERSON for 40% off. Cozyearth.com/jefferson,

4. 3:03 – 4:33

   Why parent-child communication matters most

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:03

      and use the code JEFFERSON for 40% off. Communicating with our kids. You know, I don't know if there's anything more important than I will do in my life than how I teach my children how to communicate. If you're listening to this podcast, you and I believe in the same thing, and that is your next conversation can truly change everything. Communication is tied to everything. Where you want to be, where you don't want to be, what kind of person you'll be thought of, and who you will want to be. What kind of legacy are you, are you leaving? And that legacy has a lot to do with your children, the next generation, who is going to come after you. And so this is a, a very serious topic, one close to my heart. I have two kids. I have a seven-year-old, a son, and a five-year-old girl, and they could not be any more polar opposite. I love them more than anything in the world. I'm, I'm obsessed with my kids. I'm obsessed with their faces and their smells and just their voice, everything about them. And it is that much more crucial for me in my life as it is, I, I know, and I'm sure in yours, that we teach our children, and I mean collectively in society, we teach children how to communicate, how to handle the difficult conversations. This is not an episode that I am giving tools for kids. This is an episode for the parents,

5. 4:33 – 6:04

   Skill #1: Give kids room to disagree (without forcing them to ‘like it’)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher4:33

      parents-to-be, or anybody who is looking to help raise the next generation. And this is what I, I want to lead off with, and that is, number one, the best thing that's happened to me that influenced so much of my life, is that my parents allowed me to disagree. My parents allowed me to not like it. Connection is not ... When we use the word connection, it, there's this tendency to think that it's like this Hallmark card. Everything has to be happy. Everybody has to just be pleasant. That's not it. I can connect with you and still be mad at you. I can connect with you and still be upset and disagree. That's what my dad was doing when he told me, "Well, you don't gotta like it. You just need to understand it." That's connection right there. He was allowing me the space, the emotions, and say, "You don't gotta like it." Sometimes we want our children to be just as happy with the decision we're making as we are, and so we want to continue to trol- control it. We want to influence their feelings, not just so they understand it, but that they like the decision we're making. And that is, I think, counterintuitive. I think that is ultimately not as healthy as it could be. It is good for children to have different points of view. It is good for them to understand they have a safe space to not

6. 6:04 – 7:04

   Using the phrase in real life: how ‘permission to dislike’ reduces friction

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:04

      like it. It's cool. If I were to say to you in, in conversation, this is adult to adult, and you're upset with something I'm saying, and this happens to me on the phone, opposing attorney, he doesn't like w- what I am suggesting. I'll, I'll use my same, that same technique. I'll say, "Well, you don't have to like it. That's okay." You hear how, like, almost as a relief that is to the other person? If I begin the conversation with, "Hey, look, y- y- you're not gonna like what I have to say." Or even when they start to argue with me and I say, "Look, I, I don't need to change your mind. I don't need to change your mind. You s- need to understand this is, this is what I'm doing. You're free to disagree with it. You don't have to like it." There is almost a relief that comes with that. So that's why I have as point number one, giving children the space to disagree, which they're gonna do naturally, but it's more so giving them the space that it's okay that you don't like it. You just need to understand it. It's okay. You don't have to, you don't have to be happy about it. Don't force them to be happy

7. 7:04 – 7:36

   Skill #1 in practice: boundaries now, appreciation later

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:04

      with a decision or as satisfied, uh, with a decision as you are. That'll come later in life because you know that what you're doing from your point of view is the best thing for them. I'm sure my dad made the right call. I was trying to stay out too late most likely, and he said no. My dad had this... My parents would say, "Nothing good happens after midnight." And let me tell you, Lord, ain't that the truth? Uh, I thought I wanna stay out as late as I could, ain't nothing good happened after midnight. Go, go get home. Go get home. Um,

8. 7:36 – 9:07

   Skill #2: Choose kindness whenever there’s room for it

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:36

      I can't even imagine now in my life w- w- when my kids start driving, I, man, I'm just gonna give them some scooters. I don't even wanna see them on the road. It terrifies me. So you wanna give them the space, give them the space to disagree with you. Two, I learned this lesson from my mama, and it, it is this: Where there is room for kindness, use it. My mom was somebody who's, uh, very kind. Now, I think I also wanna mention, I, I'm most likely y'all have listened to in the first guest that I had on this podcast, uh, I brought my parents on, David and Sherilyn, and they were a hoot. I need to share the bloopers of this one time because they were absolutely hilarious, and my mom would get onto my dad. She'd say, "David." Anyway, um, I learned this lesson from my mom. Does not matter if somebody commits a wrong against you, if somebody does you wrong, if somebody says something, there is always a decision by you to choose to use kindness or not, and that is a lesson that I also teach my kids. It does not matter if he took your toy or she took your toy. It does not matter if it is not fair. There is always a room for kindness of how you treat one another, and that was a lesson that she emphasized time and time again, and it would pretty much go like this. I would come home, put my backpack down, and she'd ask me about my day, and then I'd get to complaining about something, something

9. 9:07 – 11:07

   The daily question: “Were you kind?” (accountability over validation)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher9:07

      that somebody said, did. And instead of taking my side right away, which is probably what I wanted her to do, it's not that she was against me. She would say this question. She would ask me this. She'd say, "Well, Jefferson, were you kind?" If you can hear my mom's voice, it was exactly that. She'd say, "Well, were you kind?" And I'd say, "Probably not, Mama. You know, they've done X, Y, and Z, and they can't, you know..." And she'd go, "Well, I still think you should be kind." I mean, that was the, the daily thesis that, that just the daily motivation, uh, dropped from my mother almost, uh, every other day it felt like. And it was such a good framework for me of instead of seeing how I can bite back against somebody, instead of her going, "You know what? They are the worst, Jefferson. You know what? You're right. They, they are so terrible." It's not like she wasn't in my corner. Of course, as a parent, you're gonna be in your, in your children's corner. If my daughter says somebody is mean and th- th, uh, they've committed a wrong... I mean, my daughter's five. But let's say she came home and said, "You know what? Hey, Genevieve is mean." I'd be like, "Yeah, she is. You tell... You... She's on my... If she's on your list, she's on my list, girl." Uh, it's not that my mom wasn't in, in that camp. It was she was always looking out for me of, "What are you holding, Jefferson? What are you carrying with you? What are you, what are you holding?" I mean, she had these, these cutting eyes that would always explore the what are you holding onto? Because, yes, is there a time and place that you just wanna put somebody in their place? You just wanna tell it like it is, and they need to, they need to understand and send that zinger? Yes. I get it. I get it. It's natural. There's nothing on its face wrong with that. There are some people who need to be put in its, in their place, period. The

10. 11:07 – 12:08

    Why zingers backfire: you live with what you said

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:07

       bigger moral of the story is time's gonna pass. You're gonna say the thing to someone, and time's gonna pass, and you know who's gonna remember it? You. You're the one who's gonna remember what you said to them. They might forget, but you'll remember, and you're gonna remember how you felt long after it. I can remember even now thinking of things maybe I said in high school, and I look back on them now and go, "Man, f- why did, why did I even waste my breath? Why did I say that? W- what, what I think was gonna happen? They're gonna change everything about them? They're gonna say, 'Oh, my gosh, Jefferson, you are so right. You're so correct. Thank you for embarrassing me and trying to make me feel bad. Oh, yes, I definitely changed my mind.'?" That never happens, ever. I said it for myself. I said it for me so it would feel good. It feels good in that moment. It will not feel good later, so don't, don't be the one that is left holding the consequences of words that you can't take back.

11. 12:08 – 13:09

    Skill #3: Let kids argue—then teach them to ‘fight fair’

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:08

       All right? Number three. Here are lessons that I apply in my daily routine with, with me and, uh, my wife and our two kids, and it's this: let them argue. If you have more than one kid and they're bickering back and forth, we have the mindset of you let them do it. From a distance, it's not like you're not managing it, but you need to let them talk it out. Just because they're disagreeing does not mean you need to immediately come in and go, "Uh-uh. That's enough. Y'all cut it out. Y'all be nice." You need to let them do that. This is their training ground, especially for siblings. This is their training ground. If they're gonna be ugly between two people, let them be ugly with the people they love most and the ones who love them most. That does not mean you're gonna allow them to have, um, th- be really ugly to each other. We, we have something that we call house rules, meaning if you're gonna disagree with something, you're gonna get into an argument with each other, house rules apply. That means there's no name-calling. There's no

12. 13:09 – 15:11

    Make them build the case: teaching persuasion and goal-focused requests

    1. JFJefferson Fisher13:09

       hitting. There's no, uh, trying to boast or brag of like, "Well, I got this." Any of that, that's not allowed. That's not allowed. So it is to encourage them to fight fair, to think of their actual words, and I do this also with my son. My son right now, because he's, he's, he's older, and so it makes more sense for he and I to communicate this way, but he, if, if he's asking for something and it's something I, I could give, but maybe he's, like, he's wanting me to, uh, allow him a few more minutes to stay up or something like that. I will tell him, I'll say, "Convince me. Why should I, why should I allow that?" Instead of getting into the, "Oh, why not? Why can't I?" I make him make the argument, which is, again, wonderful training ground at making him think of the goal. What would be the goal of the conversation we're wanting to have? Why are you asking me this? Instead of just starting with the ask, I want him to get in the habit of thinking about the end after the conversation. And if you think of the end goal, it helps framework the, uh, beginning. It, um, it turns the conversation on its face, and so he is, uh... [sighs] It's kinda scary now. He's become, like, a little master of it, and we have to, [laughs] we have to kinda watch, watch him because I- he, he might be making an argument about something or a comment offhandedly 'cause he's, he really likes his video games, which we only allow screens on weekends and only for, like, an hour, and so he's always trying to, you know, say, "Yeah. You know, Dad, I really, I feel like asking about video games, but I know you'd probably say no. I'm just letting you know how I feel about it." I'm like, "Jed, I know what you... You don't think I know what you're doing, man?" So yeah, the apple doesn't fall too f- far from the tree. The point here is let your kids experience that. Now, if they're a s- a, um... If you o- if

13. 15:11 – 17:14

    Avoid ‘because I said so’: reasoning builds relationship and skill

    1. JFJefferson Fisher15:11

       you only have a, um, what do you, what do you call it? A, an only child. You only have one child. Awesome. That just means you're their conversation partner. You're their conversation partner. You need to let them experience it all. Let them disagree. Don't be the type of parent that just says, uh, um, "Because I said so." Like, that's the worst. I, I find that kind of, um, parenting on a communication level detrimental to the relationship, and it hinders growth in, in, uh, the child's thoughts and how they're going to maneuver communication. How are they gonna get what they want? It, it's totally okay to explore the reasoning why. U- usually it, it's because they really want to know why instead of this, "I, I, I've had enough. Don't ask me again, because I said so." I can remember as a kid, that never felt good because it's bec- uh, if it was, "Because I'm the mom," "Because I'm the dad," y- do better, and this is a challenge for me, too, because believe it, believe me when I say I get tempted on that, too. Just, "You don't wanna hear any more of it. Just do as I say." But when you explain it to them, the reasoning, "I'm telling you this, I'm telling you no because you need to be asleep. If you do not get sleep, I'm gonna have to be dragging you out of bed in the morning, and I want you to be able to sleep, and that's when your, your mind grows." And I am explaining to him the reasoning behind it, and then they're going, "Oh, okay. Well, that makes sense." So allow them to disagree with each other. D- don't cut that off. Just make sure there are parameters, and you can make the parameters for, for your own household, absolutely. And when you're one-on-one, encourage your child to prove it to you. In other words, make them show their homework when they're communicating. Say, "Okay, make, make the case. What's the argument?" You're gonna have a lot of fun with that because it expresses a lot of your kid's, um, personality. At least that's what we found. So when it comes to children,

14. 17:14 – 19:18

    Putting it all together: safe space, kindness, and respectful disagreement

    1. JFJefferson Fisher17:14

       these are some lessons we've talked about today that are close to my heart. In other words, things that my parents put into me and things that we do here at home. One is to all- allow your kids to disagree. Give them the space to not like it. "You don't have to like it. You just need to understand it." It's, it's a wonderful phrase, and it's allowing them to say, "Hey, we're gonna connect with each other. It's okay to not like. I'm not gonna force you to like it." Number two, kindness is a wonderful blanket over a lot of things, especially any conversations that they're having outside of your world. And three, allow your kid to have the arguments instead of this, "Don't, don't argue with me." Now, I'm not saying allow backtalk. I'm not al-... That's disrespectful. I'm not saying that whatsoever. We don't allow sass. We don't allow backtalk. That's... If you're gonna have a conversation, you're going to not wait until you're walking away to go, "Ugh, this is the worst." My daughter does that. She, she will typically walk away, stomp upstairs, and say, "This is the worst, this is the worst day ever." [laughs] That's what we get. Um, that is, is not allowable behavior, but if you wanna have a conversation, say, "I do n- do not agree. I don't like this. This is why." These are wonderful conversations you need to have because overall it's telling your child or whoever you're raising in your life that, "I am a safe space for you to express all things, all emotions right in here, and this is the training ground for how I'm going to teach you before you leave and you go on to the next stage of life, and I can't control it then, so this is the best time that we got." Thank you very much for listening to today's episode. If you liked it, I am encouraging you again to please subscribe, follow, like, whatever it is. Leave a review. If you have a topic suggestion, just throw, um, throw that topic in the comments because I read just about every one of them. And as always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 19:19