The 3 Signs You’re Being Gaslit (And What to Do About It)

1. 0:00 – 2:00

   What gaslighting is (and why this episode matters)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      In today's episode, I'm gonna be talking about the three must-know signs of whether you are being gaslit. So we're gonna be talking about how do you know it, what to do, and if it's you who's actually unconsciously, unknowingly doing the gaslighting. All that and more coming up. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything. I wanna give some exciting news, and that is The Next Conversation Workbook is officially out for presale. You can find the links down in the show notes. It's something I have worked very hard on to make sure you have practical exercises to continue your communication journey. Also, if you're listening and you have not done it, please click wherever you see Subscribe. It helps me, it helps my family, and it tells wherever you're listening that this is good content, and that's my mission, to make you a better communicator one conversation at a time. This podcast is sponsored by Cozy Earth. If you're like me and you have that month coming up here in February where you want to show some love not only to yourself but somebody you actually care about, why don't you show them a little extra love and get them something warm and cozy? I'm talking about pajama sets. I'm talking about some bedsheets. I'm talking about some awesome bath blankets that are taller than my head. Um, I gave my mom, uh, last year a set of Cozy Earth pajamas, and they're her favorite ones. She's worn them [chuckles] she says she's about wore them out. And the best thing about, uh, Cozy Earth and, and all of their products, but especially their sleepwear, is that they have a hundred night trial period. So you can try it out for 100 nights, and if you don't like it, return that thing, but you're not gonna want to. On top of that, they have a 10-year warranty. So whatever they put out, that's why I like them so much, is because it's quality stuff, and they actually put their money where their mouth is and they back it up as a 10-year warranty. So if you are thinking of that special somebody, and maybe that person is yourself and you wanna give yourself a little bit of love this month, go to cozyearth.com/jefferson and use the code Jefferson and get up to 20% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson and use

2. 2:00 – 2:31

   Defining gaslighting: distorting reality to control the “truth”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:00

      the code Jefferson to get up to 20% off. And now let's get to the episode. I know we hear the term a lot, gaslighting. Almost always I get the question of what exactly is gaslighting? I know I've talked about it on this podcast, but it's worth reiterating again. Gaslighting is a term that has come about to mean when somebody's trying to distort your reality in communication, right? They are trying to make you question your truth, uh, the veracity of what you say to, to make

3. 2:31 – 3:31

   Where the term comes from: the gaslight story and the control tactic

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:31

      you question your own state of mind. It comes from, from what I, I researched as a term from a play, and I think it was actually a movie like in the 1930s, where it was a woman and her husband and in the house they had a gas light out in the, in the yard. And what he would do is every once in a while turn it a little bit lower and she'd say like, "Isn't it... I think it's, that light's a little bit lower." And he's like, "I don't know what you're talking about. You're, you, you're crazy. It looks exactly like, like it was yesterday." And the whole moral of the story was that she eventually just kind of lost her mind where she was doubting everything, right? And it was a control tactic of, by this husband of saying, "You can't con- You, you can't trust your own memory. You, you can only trust me." That's really what gaslighting is. Um, it's where you're saying, "Look, you can't trust what you think. You, you have to trust what I think. I'm the one who's responsible. I'm the one who is going to say what you should think and how you should think it, and what, what's the truth and what's not

4. 3:31 – 5:02

   Gaslighting vs. lying: patterns, intention, and “throwing you off the scent”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:31

      the truth. What I say is the truth, not what you say." And so gaslighting presents itself in a way, in a variety of different ways, and it can be conscious, unconscious, meaning it can be intentional and also unintentional. For example, uh, you know, maybe have you ever tried to get somebody off the scent of something? It's not an outright lie, but you're bringing something up in a way or maybe distracting something in a way that's going to keep you from getting in trouble, right? So if I were to say, I don't know, um, this is gonna be a very caveman-like example, but if I asked my daughter, "Did you eat the cookie?" And she said, "No," that, that would be a lie. But if she tried to convince me somehow that there was never any cookie, like, "What are you talking about? There was no cookie. You... Nothing happened." You see how that's all of a sudden changing my whole mindset of like, oh, I'm ... Maybe I'm ... Am I losing it? My, my memory? Where you're trying to throw somebody off a scent. So it c- it can be... Let me just say this. I've gaslit. You've gaslit. We, we all have done it intentionally, unintentionally. It happens. It's different from lying in the aspect of gaslighting is typically a pattern, a pattern of getting somebody to only accept what you say is true in order to protect

5. 5:02 – 5:32

   What healthy conversation feels like (the contrast to gaslighting)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:02

      yourself, in order to make sure that y- you are the one that is secure and the other person is made to feel inconvenient and a problem. And that's not healthy conversation. A healthy conversation doesn't make you the problem for pointing out that there's a problem. Healthy conversation should make you feel like you wish there was a witness to it. Healthy conversation is where you can say something and they consider it and want

6. 5:32 – 6:33

   Internal sign #1: you leave conversations confused and self-blaming

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:32

      to know your perspective rather than just saying there is only one experience and it is my experience. So in a nutshell, that is gaslighting. So let's look at the internal and external factors of whether or not in that moment h- how do you know, am I being gaslit? Maybe there's something going on in your life right now and with another person, boyfriend, girlfriend, romantic relationship, whatever it is, and you're going, "I, I don't know if I'm really being gaslit." Here's some tips, right? Number one, if you feel like you leave conversations more confused Right? If you feel like you are always doubting, am, am I the one? Is it, is it me? Am I crazy? Am I the problem? Am I... Is it me? Whenever you have that high sense of self-reflection onto you, not on the whole moment, not on the whole conversation, not the overview. Instead, you have that self-reflection onto you, that you must be the problem. If you continue to w-

7. 6:33 – 7:34

   Internal sign #2–#3: needing “proof,” feeling guilty for bringing issues up

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:33

      start to feel the need to write things down right after they happen because all of a sudden you don't trust yourself. "Uh, we just had a conversation, now I need to write it down" or "I need to make that note. Now I need to have this in writing. I need to have proof." Otherwise, you're not gonna trust yourself of what you're saying. Those are high internal factors that something else is going on. Because, because healthy conversation doesn't need proof of the truth. Whenever you feel like you are constantly going, "I, I don't... This just doesn't feel right to me. I, I feel like I'm the only one that's pointing out there's a problem, and all of a sudden when I point out a problem, I, it's, I'm the issue now. Now it's about me," and, and you're starting to feel guilty for bringing things up, that's a problem. When you feel guilty and where you feel almost like an inconvenience in order to say that something is a problem or point out an issue, and all of a sudden it now becomes you.

8. 7:34 – 10:39

   External sign set: conversation “table-flips” from impact to their intent (and then to your tone)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:34

      It's always you. You're the one that's doing this. You can never be happy. You're the only one. Any of that kind of stuff is high likelihood, I would say red flag factors, high risks of somebody potentially gaslighting you. Now I wanna talk about external factors. This, to me, happens a lot in conversation in terms of shifts. Narcissists do this, toxic people do this, we all do this. But I, I find it as a symptom of, of gaslighting to where it shifts from something about them to something about you. Right? W- you might hear it as flipping the table, the, the, the, they have flipped the conversation, and that's exactly what it is. So instead of it being about the impact of how it felt to you, it's now become about their intention of what they intended to do, and because they intended this, well, then that's the end of it. I don't care about how you feel. The impact, you shouldn't be feeling that. That's not what I intended, and because I didn't intend for you to be upset, I didn't intend for you to be so frustrated, well, then that's your problem because that wasn't my intent. And if it wasn't my intent, then sorry, this is the only truth. This is the only experience that matters. Maybe there's another shift that all of a sudden it's not about what they said, it's now about your tone. Now it's about how you said things. "Yeah, I said this, but if you hadn't have just used that tone," you know, that tone you always have, right? If it's, it was all of a sudden you being the problem, right? When you know good and well, you're like, "No, this is... Something is off here." This is where I'm gonna remind you, trust your gut. All right? Trust your gut. When that happens, when you feel like, "No, that, uh, this, something is off," high sign here that those external factors are pointing to something is pushing on you. Before we continue, I wanna take a second to tell you about Wayfair. This new year, one of the things I always try to do is redecorate or reorganize a space. I think it comes from when I was a kid. We would always try and rearrange my bedroom because it just felt exciting and fresh, and it felt like a different space every time. Well, let me tell you, I'm the same way now, and that's why I've been using Wayfair. Wayfair has everything in one place, furniture and beyond. I'm talking bedding, storage, kitchen stuff, desks, decor, all of it. I was even able to grab a few pieces and upgrades myself at the beginning of this year, and it's made the room a whole lot better. What I like is how easy it is to find things that fit your style and your budget. You're not jumping between a bunch of websites. Whether you're refreshing a living room, organizing a bathroom, or getting your work from home set up, I know how that goes, Wayfair has it covered. So get organized, refreshed, and back on track this year for way, you see what I did? Less. Head to wayfair.com

9. 10:39 – 11:39

   External sign set: accountability becomes “you’re too sensitive” (and who gets targeted)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher10:39

      right now and shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com, Wayfair, every style, every home. And now, let's keep going. Here's another shift. When it comes from accountability on their part to all of a sudden shifts to sensitivity on your part, meaning they could take all accountability right then and there, and instead of, uh, taking accountability, they shift it to now being about you being too sensitive. You can't take a joke. You can't be normal with anybody else. You're less than because you're too sensitive. And all of a sudden you're now questioning yourself of am, am I too sensitive? Am, is there something wrong with me? It's where that self-reflection piece becomes the center of everything. In my opinion, I find that most people who are susceptible to being gaslit are the people that are more insecure and often more self-reflective, meaning they overthink

10. 11:39 – 12:41

    External sign set: their behavior becomes your reaction (reversing cause and effect)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher11:39

       things in their head all the time. They say something, and then they overthink a conversation that they had said, and like, "Why did I say that? That was so dumb. I'm, I must look so stupid to them." And they, they really get negative in their own thoughts about that. That's where I find that people who are gaslighting kinda get into the crevices of that. They can tell, and they prey on those type of personalities. Here's one last shift that I think I see a lot, is it shifts from their behavior to your reaction. Meaning it doesn't matter what they've done, how they've behaved, what they've said, how, how they've, how they've reacted, their own behavior, and now it becomes about how you reacted to them. They wouldn't have done this had you not reacted that way. You know, they wouldn't have done X, Y, and Z had you not... It's all, it's, it's reverse. Rather than talking about cause and effect, they're saying that the effect was what stimulated the cause. Like, that's, it's the opposite. It's illogical thinking, and that's the whole point of

11. 12:41 – 14:12

    What to do: grounded scripts that stop the spiral

    1. JFJefferson Fisher12:41

       gaslighting, is it is illogical thinking that ultimately only harms you. All right, now that we've talked about both the internal factors and the external factors that can signal to you if somebody is gaslighting you, what are you gonna do about it? Like, what's, what's there to do about it? Here's where I wanna give you some tools right away, right? Any time that somebody is trying to pull that onto you, there's a phrase that I continue to teach time and time again because it works so well, and it is this: "I remember things differently," period. It's not ellipses. It's not dot, dot, dot, dot. It is, "I remember things differently," and sticking with it. Not trying to move off, not trying to overexplain to justify. None of that's gonna work because the more you justify and try to explain, the more you are exposing the things that they can try and shift, right? To, for behavior to reaction, from accountability to sensitivity. A- any of that kind of stuff, that's their playground. So rather than trying to chase everything and dig every hole, I want you to just say, "I remember things differently." If that doesn't feel good to you, say, "That wasn't my experience," period. It's the ellipses that get you. When you say, "That wasn't my experience," because you said this, and I said this, and you continue to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and now you are what? Overexplaining, and now it becomes how, "Oh my gosh, you are so draining. You s- can you hear yourself right now? Can you hear how crazy

12. 14:12 – 16:44

    Red-flag language: ‘crazy,’ ‘insane,’ ‘irrational’ and other delegitimizing labels

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:12

       you sound?" Ever been told that before? "Can you hear how crazy you sound?" Whenever you hear that, red flags should just be waving. Alarms should be going off in your mind. When you just say, "Can you, can you hear how insane you are? How crazy you are?" Insane, crazy, unreasonable, irrational. That's a good one. Those are words that I would say I'd put in the box of these are words that gaslighters use a lot to try and convince you that something is wrong with you. Everybody else is normal, but you're not, all right? And when that happens, I want you to go back to what you know and be grounded and say, "I remember things differently. That wasn't my experience." No matter what they say, and they try, they're gonna try and come back on you, try and push you off, trying to spotlight something else, I want you to come right back to, "That wasn't my experience." That, to me, is something that keeps you so grounded in that moment that they really can't do anything with it. So that's a phrase that's gonna help you time and time again. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about a sponsor that I use almost every single day, if not every day, is Momentous. Like me, y- you're probably somebody who has a very busy life, and you have work, you have kids, you have obligations and responsibilities, and you don't have time to make sure that you're in some 1,000% peak fitness. Why? Because sometimes you skip breakfast, you skip lunch. I do it. It's not ideal, but it happens. That's where Momentous comes in for me. So I'm able to put things in my body that I know are good for me, and I have it covered. Everything with Momentous is NSF certified. What does that mean? It means it's the highest quality stuff that you could probably, possibly get. I take their grass-fed whey protein, so I do protein shakes almost every single day. Their creatine, their omega-3s. They have a whole sleep stack that's awesome, that puts me to bed like a baby. They have things that can help you in just about every facet of your life because most likely you're not getting the nutrients that you need. So if you're like me and you care about what goes in your body and you wanna make sure that it is top-notch, go to Momentous. Believe me, I understand that supplements, it is all a space where trust is rare, but Momentous is changing the game, not only for me but also for my family. Sierra takes it every day just like I do. Great stuff. So right now you can go to livemomentous.com,

13. 16:44 – 20:29

    Am I the gaslighter? Pattern check and how to repair

    1. JFJefferson Fisher16:44

       use the promo code Jefferson for up to 35% off. That's livemomentous.com, use the code Jefferson and get up to 35% off. You won't regret it. And now let's keep going. What about for the people who go, "Am, am I gaslighting people and I don't even know it? Am I doing something that I'm unconscious of?" Here's where I would point out to you. Gaslighting is a pattern, so it's not just kind of this one-off thing. It's, it's a pattern of doing it. So how, how can you tell if you're gaslighting somebody? If at the end of the conversation you have to walk away as the victor. It can only be your truth. You're the only one that's right. The other person is doubting themselves at the end of the conversation, yet you are completely sure of yourself. The other person is a little confused, and you feel completely justified. N- they feel apologetic, and you feel like they, uh, you absolutely deserved every bit of an apology, and you don't have to offer anything. Where you're discussing a problem, and they're the problem, and you're no part of the problem. You see how off-kilter that is when, when the scales just absolutely always put you on top. You're never part of the problem. You never have to apologize. You know everything. only your experience is the right one, only what you have to say, you're the one who has the final say, the final answer, you always have to be right, anything that they say is irrational, illogical, unreasonable, crazy, insane, I'm gonna have to break it to you. You're most likely delving into a behavior of gaslighting the other person in your life. So I hope that this is an episode that has been a little bit enlightening for you of the three signs that you really need to make sure that you know if somebody is gaslighting you in your life. All right, we talked about what gaslighting is, some internal and external signs of whether that's happening to you. We talked about what to do when it happens. And three, we've really talked about how to know if it's you that's doing it unconsciously, unknowingly to somebody else. And if it's always that you're the one that has to end up with no mud on you and the other person has to be caked all over, chances are you might be gaslighting somebody. Again, that does not mean you're a terrible person, all right? Because we all do it to some extent. It's more so that you're catching it and not making it a pattern and giving yourself a little bit of grace and being able to say, hey, there are two sides to this coin that I can say that's not my experience. Help me understand what was yours. To say, I remember things differently. What do you remember? If you can open your mind and reverse that damage by saying, hey, look, the other day I kind of closed you down. I kind of, I did. I did close you down and made it to where my explanation was really the only logical explanation. I don't think that was very fair. Can I hear what you had to say again one more time? You see how you can start to kind of unwind that before it gets entrenched into you just being this scrooge of my way always has to be right. And if it's not, I have to divert to protect myself to make sure that I'm the smartest, the best, the shield, whatever bad behavior I've been doing. That's what I'm talking about. Gaslighting. It is out there more than you think. That's why you need to protect yourself. So I hope you're able to share this episode. And as always, you can try that and follow me.

Episode duration: 20:29