The Best Communication Advice of 2025

1. 0:00 – 0:30

   Greatest-hits episode: listener-chosen communication strategies

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:00

      This episode is a very special episode because after scouring tons of messages and emails and comments and reviews, I boiled down the top three communication strategies that you listeners told me made the difference for your year when it came to relationships, came to the workplace, and daily conversations. The greatest hits, everybody. So if you're gonna listen to one episode throughout this entire year, this is the one to listen

2. 0:30 – 2:01

   Podcast mission, gratitude to listeners, and personal encouragement

   1. JFJefferson Fisher0:30

      to. So buckle in, it's gonna be a ride. You ready? Let's go. [upbeat music] Welcome to The Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation, well, the one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tools to improve your communication, I'm gonna ask that wherever you're listening, you click subscribe. It not only makes a big difference for me and my family, it is also part of the promise that I am making to you that in exchange for your subscription and listening to my podcast, I'm gonna make you a better communicator. And by subscribing and listening, it is my hope and my mission and my promise to improve your life because I believe that a better world begins with a better conversation. And if that's a mission that you can get with, then I, I am just so grateful that you listen to my episode. And while I have a second of your time, I just wanna say thank you. Thank you for listening to my podcast this year. It's something that I'm continuing to improve on and something that I find such a passion in. When I do these one-on-ones like this, I know I'm looking at a camera, but what I hope you know is that I'm talking to you directly. You, the person who's listening to this. It's not some huge crowd. I'm just talking to you and say I really want to not only help you, I also want you to know I'm really proud of you. By listening to episodes like this and listening to my podcast, I know you listen because you actually care about your communication and you care about your words, and that only means that you're putting actual intention into the relationships in life that you want to build for yourself. So from me

3. 2:01 – 3:01

   Sponsor break: Cozy Earth (comfort, quality, seasonal routine)

   1. JFJefferson Fisher2:01

      to you, one, I'm incredibly grateful, and I'm also incredibly proud of you. This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. What I love so much about Cozy Earth is that everything that they make is top-notch. It's top quality, and I like it all, especially this time of the year where, at least where I'm from, it's starting to get really cold. And that means I'm gonna be wearing something stretchy like some sweatpants, a hoodie. I'm gonna make sure that my bedsheets are what's up. I'm gonna, I'm gonna make sure that my towels feel nice and soft. All that stuff that you didn't really think was that important as a kid that you realize, man, I really love stuff that fits. It's like you get to a certain age where all of a sudden you look at a piece of furniture and you're like, "I think it has really good bones." And then you're like, "Why did I say... Did I just really say that? Oh my gosh, I'm..." You realize that all of a sudden you really value a good vac- vacuum. You know what I mean? Like, that's the way it is. Not only is Cozy Earth feel good, it's a quality product and I believe in it. And I'm so pumped that they're a, a sponsor of this podcast

4. 3:01 – 5:04

   Strategy #1 begins: using “questions of intent” to defuse offense

   1. JFJefferson Fisher3:01

      'cause I've been using them for a long time. You can go to cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com/jefferson, use the code Jefferson for up to 40% off. And now let's keep going on the episode. Okay. After all of the reviews and the messages, uh, and the emails that after looking everything, the number one communication strategy that I heard so much on was, let's do drum roll, [drumming] questions of intent. Number one, questions of intent. What are those? Questions of intent are the things that you go to when somebody's saying something that is hurtful, something belittling, something that is rude, whether or not they intended it or not. Something that you... makes you go, "Huh, I don't think... I didn't like that. No, I, I don't, I don't like that." So it could be either in person, somebody says something, maybe it's an email, maybe it's a text. Instead of responding in kind with what you thought they said, maybe they said something that you read as ugly. Well, there's two choices. Either they meant it as ugly or they didn't. Either way, a question of intent is your number one tool in the toolbox. Why? Because it does two things. One, it keeps you from responding. When you ask a question, it's not a response, it's a reflection. And so it gives them now a chance to clarify. The, the other thing it does, it gives them just a second of grace to be able to say, "Did they... Instead of me taking this personally, am I, am I reading this wrong?" And let me use a question that goes to their intent. What's the purpose of them asking this? "What is a question of intent, Jefferson?" I'm so glad you asked. That's a question that is looking to find out the intent, the purpose, the motive for what they said. So let's say that you said something that wasn't very nice to me, something passive, something belittling, and I found it kind of rude. Rather than me picking it

5. 5:04 – 6:04

   The core phrase that changes conversations: “Did you mean…?”

   1. JFJefferson Fisher5:04

      up and throwing it right back at you and saying something worse, instead I'm going to ask and begin with, "Did you mean?" I can't tell you how many people I have read their email that said this was the phrase that changed the game in the conversation, that gave them back their self-esteem, that gave them back their backbone, that kept them from walking on eggshells, was this question right here, beginning with, "Did you mean?" "Did you mean to upset me?" "Did you mean for that to hurt me?" "Did you mean for that to..." "Did you want to..." When you say things like, "Did you," it is taking the spotlight that was on you and reflecting it right back onto them. "Did you intend for that to hurt me?" "Did you want that to upset me?" Or even, "What was your purpose in asking that?" That's another variation of it. These are questions that here, instead of trying

6. 6:04 – 7:35

   Two outcomes: exposing cruelty or allowing a clean repair

   1. JFJefferson Fisher6:04

      to match their energy, which is a losing game, instead you're simply going to reflect. You're gonna mirror back what you're getting. And let me tell you the different variations of how helpful this is in your life. For one, if you said something hurtful and you meant it to be hurtful, I could say, "Did you, did you say that to try and hurt my feelings?" Now what do you have to do? Now the decision is not on me. Now the decision is on you. I put the spotlight back on. Are you going to double down and say, "Yes, I meant to hurt you"? Or are you gonna realize that this, the light is all on you? See, the people who say things and that are ugly and doing things, they don't like their ugly to be shown. They were just hoping you'd have that quick response. They want that hit of dopamine from you in, in your negative reaction. And when they realize, "Wait, I'm not getting it. That's not happening," they typically will shy away from it quickly. They'll say, "No, no, no, I mean, I, I mean, what I meant to say was... I mean, not really..." And they start to crawfish backwards. They start backpedaling. Now, if they double down on it, then what I like to say is, "Thank you. Thanks for letting me know." And then I let them live with their words. I'm not gonna carry that. So you, let's say you intended it. That's where it goes. Now, what if you didn't mean to? It was an accident. Maybe you said the wrong thing. If I said, "Do you, did you mean for that to hurt my feelings?" It gives you the, the ch- the chance. They go, "No, no, no, that's not what I... No, that's not what I meant. No, what I meant to say was... No, I said that wrong." This works really well. Listen to me. This

7. 7:35 – 10:36

   Why it’s essential for texts and email: misreads and office examples

   1. JFJefferson Fisher7:35

      works really well in text communication. Text is a low emotion medium, meaning it's really hard to read somebody's emotions in the communication. You have lots of miscommunication when somebody... You know, we have the habit of reading the negative into everything that we get. Somebody sends you a text, and they say, "That sounds okay." You're like, "Okay? Oh, okay. Well, sounds okay to me, too." Like, you, we have this negative thing that we always... We never read stuff in the positive. If it, if it doesn't have an emoji with it, we never read it in the positive. We always read it in the negative. Like, if you just got a text and they said, "Okay." And you're like, "Okay? Like, what kind of, what kind of okay is that?" And they easily could have just been a happy okay, right? So let's say for me and Sierra, if she says, uh, in a text, and instead of me trying to read it as she's upset, I will say, "Did you mean for that to sound short?" She goes, "No, no, no. I was just doing this with the kids." Or maybe sh- she, and she does the same to me, and I'll say, "No, no, no. I was just... I, I had our son and was doing X, Y, and Z." Or maybe I was in the, the drive-through or whatever it is. You're giving people some grace. So top tool of this year, hands down, is questions of intent. Whenever you get that derogatory comment from somebody at the office, if you get that email that sounded a little bit off to you, instead of choosing to take it personally. Let's say an email. You get an email from somebody in the office. Instead of choosing to take it personally, if, let's say, Karen sends you an email and you read it and it sounded a little snippy to you, and you're like, "Oh, I guess Karen's in a bad mood. And you know what? I'm kind of in a bad mood. You know what? I don't think I like Karen all that much anyway." And then all of a sudden you're at a meeting and Karen's like, "Hi." And you're like, "Hi. It's good to see you." Why? Because you decided that her email meant something ugly, right? And you're taking it personally, and now it's affecting... It's, it's, it's perpetuating falsehood. Your, your, your own reality, right? Instead of that, you just email her back, "Hey, did you mean for that to sound upset?" Allow her the chance to say if it is or not. [laughs] If there's one thing I've seen, how many conflicts have been avoided by simply using a question of intent? Go to the purpose first. Find the intent first. If they double down on it, that's a different... That's a totally different maneuver. That at least allows you to expose the, "Okay. Thank you. I want to make sure that how you're reacting is exactly who you are. Thank you for showing me who you are." Oh, that's a great phrase to use. Let's add that. "Thank you for showing me who you are." If they double down on that, you say, "Did you mean for that to embarrass me?" And they go, "Yeah, I did." "Thank you for showing me who you are." Oof. Man, I think I might need to make something on that. So that kind of stuff, y'all, is gonna level up your game so much. All right,

8. 10:36 – 11:39

   Strategy #2: breath and pause—slowing the pace to regain control

   1. JFJefferson Fisher10:36

      here we go. Number two, the next biggest communication technique that helped every single one of you was remembering your breath. [inhales] The power of the pause. Helping you remember that stop the rapid-fire responses. If you ask me a question, and I immediately have a rapid-fire response, "Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I, I think this, I think that," and I'm, I'm going fast, fast, fast, versus taking a breath. [inhales] "I don't think that's for me." Which one sounds more powerful? Which one sounds more controlled? Which one sounds, "I'm more confident, I know where I'm going, I'm grounded"? It's always, and I rarely use the extremes, always, I've always seen that work. Whenever you have slower words, lower words, and you use your breath and pick your timing. Pick your timing for how and when you want to say it. The conversation is always gonna make you

9. 11:39 – 14:41

   Technique: the physiological sigh + a mindset for not absorbing toxicity

   1. JFJefferson Fisher11:39

      sound way more controlled. Let your breath be the first word that you say. What, what kind of breath? It's a conversational breath. It's one I teach to every single one of my clients as I'm preparing them for deposition and cross-examination to help control their nervous system, to regulate their emotions, and we're gonna go through it right now. You ready? All right. It's, it's called a physiological sigh. It mimics a sigh. So we're gonna go two seconds in through your nose. [inhales] One more at the top through your nose, [inhales] and then out through your nose. [exhales] Now, do that for a little bit while you're listening to me. Just ... It does not have to be exaggerated. You can do it q- as quiet as a mouse. Nobody'd even know that you're doing it. What it does is allow you ... What you're gonna realize is I'm now listening and observing the conversation. I'm not in the conversation. I'm observing what's happening. I'm not trying to absorb what's happening. Your breath regulates your body to make sure that prefrontal cortex is always going rather than you getting emotionally flooded and the logical side of your brain just gets turned off. When you keep that breath going, when we slow it down, when we decide that we're gonna put about five to seven seconds between our response if somebody is trying to offend us in some way, it resets the chessboard. If you say something to me that's pushing a limit, and I take about five seconds to look at you or maybe look off, and I'm breathing, [inhales] [exhales] or I say, "I need to think about this. I need to think about what I'm gonna say. I need to think about my response," what a power move that is. Man, I might need to make another video on that. "I need to think about my response." That's so good. [laughs] What does that signal to the, the people around you? It says, "I am in control at all times." See, this conversation we're having, you think that you're running the show. Let me reset the chessboard for you. I'm gonna take a breath, and I'm gonna choose when I speak. What kind of pause, maybe a different way to say it, is I like to say as a piano note is ending its sustain. That's how long that breath needs to be. All right? So imagine you pressing on the key of a piano and then just letting it go until it ends. That's the kind of pause I want you to give. I want you to imagine as they are talking and they're saying things that are hurtful, their words just fall to the ground. They don't even reach you. They just dribble out. And the worse words, the more toxic the language, the more it just slides out. All right? It, it, it doesn't even go anywhere. It just goes right to their feet. It's garbage. And listen to me, you are not in the habit of picking up

10. 14:41 – 16:42

    Sponsor break: Fabric by Gerber Life (term life insurance)

    1. JFJefferson Fisher14:41

       garbage. When they say things that are horrible, despicable things, you do not pick those up. You let them sit in it. Let them stain in it. Don't go anywhere near it. You stay clean away. How we do that? Using our breath and pauses. I wanna take a quick second to tell you about Fabric by Gerber Life. You know, every year I would tell myself that I need to take care of a few things, like that, that list that you know you have to take care of and you, by the end of the year, you're like, "Ah, I didn't really get to..." You have, you have a few of those things. It's, it's hard. Life insurance is, was definitely one of those things for me, and what really made the difference of knowing of how much it affects my family, of I'm actually protecting the people that I love, and it became something that is now no longer off my list. Fabric by Gerber Life is a term life insurance you can get done today. Today. That's right. Made for busy parents like you, like me, all online on your schedule right from your couch. You can be covered in under 10 minutes with no health exam required. Fabric keeps it easy. Flexible, high-quality policies that fit your budget backed by Gerber Life, trusted for over 50 years. That's one thing about life insurance is that you, you don't think about it until you actually start thinking about it, and it really makes a big difference for the security of your family. If there are dependents and people who rely on you, it's a question that we n- don't really ever wanna face, and that is, what happens if you're not here anymore? Life insurance at least gives some amount of security of knowing that they're gonna be okay even if you're not around, and that's the kind of thing that really makes a difference. Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family. Apply today in just minutes at meetfabric.com/jefferson. That's meetfabric.com/jefferson. Policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance Company, not

11. 16:42 – 18:44

    Strategy #3: saying less—ending overexplaining and people-pleasing loops

    1. JFJefferson Fisher16:42

       available in certain states. Prices subject to underwriting and health questions. And now, back to the episode. And number three, one of the top three communication strategies of this year, is saying less. Saying less. So many of you said, "I have a problem overexplaining. I say too many words, and then after the conversation, I am kicking myself because I just couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop talking." Hey, first off, I want you to understand there's nothing wrong with that. You're normal. You're just fine. Why does it happen? Generally, it happens because of a deep insecurity, of feeling like you're not being believed. My guess is it has to do with things that happened in your past as a child, of feeling like you had to talk more to be listened to. You had to talk more to feel believed. You had to talk more to feel competent, and that you always needed to overexplain in order for you to feel okay, and that's continued to become a pattern in your life. That is perfectly okay. It can be changed. We can do all kinds of techniques. But I want you to understand just because you talk a lot n- nothing wrong with you. All right? I was a kid that always talked a lot. I know lots of people who talk a lot. It matters when the moment matters. If you're overexplaining when you need to say less, then it's always going to, to hurt in some way because If you're in a conflict with somebody and you start over-explaining and you keep on talking, what happens is the other person loses the point because instead of trying to listen to the point you're trying to make, they start getting defensive about the additional things you're adding. So you might trying to be recalling a story of like, "Well, you did this and I did this," and then you just start talking. You're not getting to the point, and the other person goes, "Well, that's not how I would put it. Well, that feels a little harsh." And they start getting more defensive because you're just saying surplus information, things that are

12. 18:44 – 21:15

    Waterfall vs well: concise confidence + the three-sentence rule

    1. JFJefferson Fisher18:44

       not relevant to the point, and maybe even if they are relevant, they are not helpful. What's the mindset that I want you to have? This is something that resonated so much with many of you, and it is instead of being a waterfall, be a well. Rather than feeling like you have to gush information and give them way too much, and so much so that the message just gets swept away, a waterfall of information, more than they can possibly even hold at that moment where it's gonna confuse them, it's gonna overwhelm them, be a well. All right? A well is very confident in the depth of its knowledge. A well is always gonna give you exactly what you came there to get. So if somebody needs something from you, you're gonna answer concisely. You're gonna say less, and if they have more questions, they're going to ask you. This is the time, this is the season of your life that you're gonna trust that if somebody needs something, they will ask. You're not gonna just selflessly give and people please and try to over-explain because that's not helping them. You're trying to do it to help yourself. All right? You're trying to soothe yourself in that moment. We're gonna create the habit of saying exactly what we need to say. So here's a test. All right? Here's a test, and I, and I do this for companies all the time. If you can't say it in three sentences, you need to rethink it. Before you send that text, that email, if you cannot explain, if you cannot describe how you feel and what's going on in three sentences or less, you need to redo it. I'm not saying this is a hard and fast rule. I'm saying it's, it's a pretty good parameter of a gauge of am I over-explaining? Because we know what it's like when you send... Let's say you're in a, a text argument. Ever been in a text argument with your spouse or somebody in a relationship with? And or maybe a friend, and what do we do? We write like a paragraph, a whole paragraph of text, and you send it. Do they even really respond to the point you're making? No. They chose to pick off something else that you said, and they decide to start off a f- a fight about that. Why? Because you gave too much. You gave too much. You need to be concise. So when you say less words, you sound more confident. You sound more assertive. Less is more. All right? Silence, meaning me choosing not to say anything, silence can never be misquoted. Silence can never be misquoted. When I am saying less words, it means I'm choosing my words.

13. 21:15 – 25:31

    Wrap-up: 3-sentence recap, communication that fits your life, and next steps

    1. JFJefferson Fisher21:15

       So let's put it to the test. If I can't explain this whole episode in three sentences, and this is just me going off the cuff here, this is what it would be. You ready? Number one, if you want to address something that is offending you, use a question of intent to reveal its true motive. Number two, any time that you feel like things are sweeping too fast in the conversation, use your breath and a conversational breath to slow it down and maintain control on your pace. And number three, when you want to sound more confident, use less words. Over-explaining has a tendency to hurt you more than it helps you, period. All right? That's three sentences. I want you to know there's, there's nothing inherently wrong with over-explaining. It just cuts down on your credibility. It's like this mindset of the more words it takes to tell the truth, the more it kind of sounds like a lie. The more words it takes you to explain something, the more it sounds maybe you don't really know what you're talking about. When you have concise words, it helps you. It helps everybody, and that means better conversation. All right. How's that? Concise, no over-explaining, straight to the point. Am I con- And it's part of the reason why I like doing my content the way I do it is because when I can be extremely concise in my one, two, threes in making the content that's gonna be short, impactful, practical, you're going to absorb it more. What does that mean? When I give shorter content, it's easier to digest. I'm still gonna do long-form content. This is a form of long-form content, though this is shorter. This is a shorter podcast, but I like shorter version because it fits my life. So I like doing 15-minute podcasts because that makes my life easier. I don't have to be away from kids as long if I have to do it, um, to make sure I can go pick them up from school. Like, that's the kind of priority I'd rather set in my life than trying to have a much longer podcast. Maybe we will sometime, but that's just not the stage of life I'm in right now. So what's another good takeaway? Make sure that your communication fits you. Make sure the conversations you're having fit you. Go back through the year. Write down the top three things, the conversations that you struggled with. Now, you don't have to be specific, just the type. Maybe you struggle with conversations that have to do with asking for something. Maybe they're conversations that you struggle with saying no to something, turning them down. Whatever it is, I want you to send me another email. Write a comment. Tell me how the year has impacted you and what strategy you've implemented that maybe it's not on the, the top three list, that's something you go, "You should add this to the top three." If you find that there should be another I should add, maybe a number four, tell me. I'll put it in my newsletter. You can try that. By the way, if you have not joined my newsletter, you can go down in the, the links, and you'll see that I send a, I send an email right to your inbox once a week giving you one communication tip that I promise you you're gonna have some way to implement it in the next conversation that you have. Again, I am incredibly privileged to wrap up the year having the chance to speak and pour life into you and your relationships and your people because it is something that is a passion that fills me up. People ask, "What is your why?" My why is not only choosing to be there for my family and be a better husband and be a better father, but and, just added that, and it's to share knowledge that I have that it is my, my pleasure to, to give, and it's... When you find your purpose in life and you feel like you have a gift, then it is your blessing to be able to share it. So I want you to know me to be, having this time to talk to you, it's, it's truly my blessing, and it is a joy in my life. So hopefully in this next year, I might get to meet you when I go on tour. You never know. Anyway. All right, everybody. Top three communication tips this year. Greatest hits. Hope you enjoyed it. And as always, you can try that and follow me, and I'll see you next year

Episode duration: 25:31