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The Biggest Lie You've Been Told About Happiness ft. Yung Pueblo

Inner peace isn't about having everything in your life go perfectly. It's about learning how to stay grounded when things don't.

Jefferson FisherhostYung Puebloguest

Nov 9, 202657mWatch on YouTube

Summaries, chapters, transcripts, and FAQs on this page are made by uListen, not YouTube.

Transcript

55 min read · 10,531 words

0:00 – 0:57
The biggest lie about inner peace: trying to arrange the outside to feel good inside
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  What's the biggest lie that we tell ourselves about inner peace?
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm. That it's determined by how we arrange our external situation. Um, so a lot of people, when they think about inner peace, it's like, "I have to have this job. I have to sort of properly arrange these aspects of my life. I have to make sure I have the right apartment and whatnot." But then you can have all of that. You can be winning left and right externally, but internally, if you don't have an understanding where you allow your emotions to exist inside of you without clinging to them, then you're just gonna struggle. If you're sort of grabbing onto every emotion, fueling it, and making it bigger, especially the heavier emotions-
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Hmm
4. YPYung Pueblo
  ... like jealousy, anger, sadness. Um, if we don't have a good relationship with what's happening inside and intentionally build a mindset that accepts and lets go, then it's gonna be really hard to have inner peace.
0:57 – 2:10
Choosing peace amid the uncontrollable (and noticing anxiety through small cues)
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  So it goes south when we see inner peace as something that relies on, you know, external function.
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Exactly. Exactly. Like, everything around me has to be very properly placed for me to feel good inside. And yeah, sometimes when things are very nicely set together, there's a beautiful moment. Yeah, you feel joy, you feel happiness. Um, but life is not always gonna be like that. Life is-
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm
4. YPYung Pueblo
  ... full of the uncontrollable. There are so many sort of aspects of life that are just so far outside of your control that you have to ask yourself, like, are you just always gonna be dependent on what's happening outside of you, or can you choose peace inside instead of just getting swallowed up by the chaos that's happening outside?
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah. I, um, I'm one of these that if there's, like, clutter in, on the table or something, I feel better when it's clean.
6. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  I know I can... I always can tell, um, when I'm dysregulated-
8. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... when I'm like, "Ah, I need to clean that."
10. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm.
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Because I'll clean it, and then I feel kinda better. But I'm not a neat freak by-
12. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... not even close. But what it does is cue me that, "Hey, you're probably a little bit more anxious-
14. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
2:10 – 4:24
Building self-awareness by tracking emotions and identifying patterns
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... than you're letting on in, um, in this moment." How do we... How can we become more self-aware?
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm. One of the best ways to be self-aware, like, whether even, you know, without necessarily having a therapist or a meditation practice, is just turning your attention inward and watching the way your emotions change throughout the day. 'Cause a lot of times our, all of our attention is just outward.
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Hmm.
4. YPYung Pueblo
  It's just focused on everything that's happening around us, and of course, you have to move through the day. You have to accomplish your responsibilities and whatnot, but spending some time seeing, "Oh, you know, my emotions are very different from how they were in the morning or from when I woke up. What was it that happened? You know, what, what was the mindset, or what was the sort of external situation that triggered these new emotions?" But sort of getting a sense of how your emotions move through the day can bring you a lot of information over time, and then you can take that further and start paying attention to, like, what are your primary patterns? Like, what are the behaviors that you often choose, and how are they related to when you were younger-
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm
6. YPYung Pueblo
  ... or the tough moments that have really shaped you? How is, how has the past impacted your present?
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  I like that. How has your past impacted your present? There is something that I've, I have dove into quite a bit in just in my own therapy, but also in the way that I talk about content that I have, is how much family-
8. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... im- impacts the way we communicate, like our defaults-
10. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... of how we solve arguments, how we talk like our parents.
12. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm.
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  You know, you might favor the mannerisms of-
14. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... your mother or father, or you see it in your siblings. And the older we get, I'm like, I'll look at my sister and go, "Golly, that looks just like my mom," or like-
16. YPYung Pueblo
  [laughs]
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... in my... And, and we're all getting older, and my, my, my brother will do something, and I'll go, "That is... Oh my gosh, that is my dad to a T," of how all of this, these little bitty things impact that, that we may not be aware of. How, how do you see the importance of how the past predicts and influences who we are in the future?
4:24 – 6:13
How the past filters the present and hardens reactive habits
1. YPYung Pueblo
  Oh, it's huge. It's huge, and I think a lot of people, um, are reckoning with that now, now that there's more information out there about, like, how there is a direct influence.
2. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm.
3. YPYung Pueblo
  But w- I come at it from a perspective of meditation, right, where I've seen spending time meditating, it's really shown me how the past is showing up in the present through your impulsive reactions. And so, you know, someone says something to me, and I respond with anger, or I respond with anxiety or sadness.
4. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
5. YPYung Pueblo
  And a lot of that stems from your early days, whatever was going on back then, and whatever coping mechanism you had or whatever-
6. JFJefferson Fisher
  Sure
7. YPYung Pueblo
  ... uh, the way that you survived throughout, you know, the sort of the different difficult moments that you've had in your life.
8. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
9. YPYung Pueblo
  And in a big way, the past is almost functioning like a filter that is sitting in front of your eyes, and when you're s- looking at the present, it's like you're looking at it through the lens of the past. And not just that, not, not just the past sort of filter sitting there-
10. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm
11. YPYung Pueblo
  ... but also whatever your present primary emotion is.
12. JFJefferson Fisher
  Okay.
13. YPYung Pueblo
  So you have these m- multilayered filters that are ha- making you see the present in a quite a cloudy situation. And then let's say you let the impulsiveness be there, where you're just, you know, someone says something to you, you're reacting, you're not being intentional at all. You're just being very, um, you know, reactive without any second thought. What ends up happening is that the way that you react, it is- ... hardening those patterns in the mind so that you're more likely to react in the same way-
14. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm
15. YPYung Pueblo
  ... even more quickly in the future. So let's say you never deal with that anger, that anger's only gonna get bigger and louder and faster-
16. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right
17. YPYung Pueblo
  ... as you get older.
6:13 – 8:18
Defining meditation as seeing reality clearly (and the qualities it trains)
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  How, how do you define meditation?
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm. Um, I mean, there are so many different types of meditation. I think of it as seeing reality as it is without projecting onto it.
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Okay.
4. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah. So I, I, I practice a, a style called Vipassana that it, um-
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  Say it again for me.
6. YPYung Pueblo
  V- Vipassana.
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  Vipassana.
8. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  Okay.
10. YPYung Pueblo
  And it, uh, originates from the Buddhist teaching, came from Burma, spread in India, and then spread out to the world. And in this style, you're trying to see reality clearly without projecting anything onto it, and you're seeing the reality within the framework of the body. So to me, when I go and I meditate, it's like I'm taking myself to the mental gym. You know, you're, you're cultivating three qualities. You're, you're cultivating the quality of awareness-
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm
12. YPYung Pueblo
  ... the quality of non-reaction, and the quality of compassion. Now, those are all things that people are, we're all born with these qualities, but they're not necessarily strong. For me, growing up, they were, they were pretty weak.
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
14. YPYung Pueblo
  And that created a lot of hardship in life, and now through meditating, that's really helped, um, sort of strengthen those different mental muscles.
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  I can tell you, I'm, I'm not unfamiliar with meditation.
16. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm.
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  Um, and I wanna g- explore there for a little bit.
18. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah, yeah.
19. JFJefferson Fisher
  I grew up in a really small town in Texas, and the word meditate-
20. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
21. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... was, or y- the idea of meditation-
22. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm
23. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... was kinda this, like, weird, foreign-
24. YPYung Pueblo
  [laughs]
25. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... like, like European soccer of like-
26. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah, yeah [laughs]
27. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... "That's not, that's not right," you know?
28. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
29. JFJefferson Fisher
  Of, of this, like, you know, we're, we just weren't familiar with it.
30. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
8:18 – 9:33
Daily meditation as mental upkeep that improves communication and perspective-taking
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  I didn't see yoga until I was in law school or, or college. And, um, I'm curious when, I know there are different types of meditation, but what is, what is important about a daily meditation practice-
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... that helps your communication?
4. YPYung Pueblo
  Ooh, that's a great question. I think of it as mental training, and it's sort of similar to, like, you know, why do I go running five, five, four times a week? Or why do I go to the gym, or why do I brush my teeth? It's like s- sort of this, this upkeep where, especially for communication, I like knowing where my emotions are as I'm talking to another person so that I'm not being unnecessarily harsh, or if I feel like my emotions are heavy, I am intentionally choosing gentleness-
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm
6. YPYung Pueblo
  ... with my words as opposed to just projecting that harshness onto another person. I think meditation makes it a lot easier for me to step outside of my own perspective to take a look at your perspective and try to assess what's happening from a different angle.
9:33 – 12:22
Resilience through experience: accepting change and worrying less
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  I find that fascinating because we think of mental strength-
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... someone's mentally strong, we apply that towards sports.
4. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  We apply that towards discipline. Um, get, you know, getting your head in the game kind of-
6. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... mentality, where the older I get, the more I recognize, no, it's actually the ones who are mentally strong-
8. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... are the ones that it, it has nothing to do with their physique, has nothing really to do with their goals. It has everything to do with how is their mind.
10. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Like, how, how do they interpret?
12. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm.
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  How do they stay calm? Like, um, I, for those who have kids, like Moana's grandmother. Like these people-
14. YPYung Pueblo
  [laughs]
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... that, like, uh, you know, who, who are typically g- uh, in, in the village or the society kind of the one who people know is, uh, is going to be there and no matter what and level-headed.
16. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm.
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  And, um, I don't know why it's always, like, you know, Grandmother Willow kind of like-
18. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
19. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... mentality where-
20. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
21. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... it's those are the ones that epitomize someone who's emotionally strong.
22. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm, mm. I think that quality of resilience to know, even, like, what you're saying, like Moana's grandmother, right? So this person ha- has been around for a long time, and someone like a grandmother figure has seen a lot of things go wrong and a lot of things go right.
23. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right.
24. YPYung Pueblo
  So that resilience comes from direct experience-
25. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm
26. YPYung Pueblo
  ... from you knowing that change is bound to happen.
27. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
28. YPYung Pueblo
  And that over time, like, I should be skillful. I should take action.
29. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm.
30. YPYung Pueblo
  But I don't need to worry that much.
12:22 – 15:15
Inside silent retreats: 10-day training, 60-day silence, and learning impermanence
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah. Um, I'm particularly interested in me- I wanna go back to meditation.
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Um, uh, f- and from our, our listeners, I'd love for you to tell me real quick, 'cause I've known you've done lots of retreats.
4. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  And so-
6. YPYung Pueblo
  Sure
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... I just would love to hear your ex- like, what you did and your experience through those. 'Cause then I wanna ask some more questions about it.
8. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah. So I did my first silent 10-day retreat back in 2012.
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  That means you say nothing.
10. YPYung Pueblo
  S- you're saying nothing. You can ask the teacher questions if, if you have a question, but you're not even making eye contact with people. You're, like, totally by yourself, almost similar to, like, how a monk would be, like, in a retreat. So, you know, those of us who were out there, we're not monks, and I'm not a monk-
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm
12. YPYung Pueblo
  ... or anything like that. But we, um, it's like you're just back in the Buddhist time, you know, sitting a range retreat, except it was just 10 days long. And you spend the first three days being aware of the breath so that you can calm the mind-
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm
14. YPYung Pueblo
  ... and concentrate the mind. And then the la- the next seven days you, uh, turn that attention inward. And there is this law that i- is absolutely pervasive in the universe, the law of impermanence. And if you look at it at the atomic level, the biological level, the cosmological level, everything's always changing. You get a good taste of that law when you close your eyes and you turn your attention to the body, and you start feeling like, "Okay, my body originally felt very static and hard." But over time, with sharpening your awareness, you start feeling like, "Whoa, everything's actually really changing." And so fast-forward, the start of this year, I sat a silent 60-day retreat. It was, um, from January 1st to March 3rd, and that retreat was, you know, for a lot of people who have been meditating for decades. So my wife and I, we both sat the retreat. We were in, in different rooms on opposite sides of the retreat center. Didn't talk to each other the whole time. You know, neither of us had a laptop or a computer, no outside communication whatsoever. And we both have been meditating a lot. So, you know, about, I would say, both of us probably around, like, 14,000 hours of meditating.
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm.
16. YPYung Pueblo
  And, but we were by far the youngest people there. There were people there who were, like, you know, meditating for two decades, three decades. There were a few 90-year-olds there who were, like, in incredible shape.
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
18. YPYung Pueblo
  Like, they were just so clear-minded and strong-bodied. Um, so it was great to be in such an environment with, like, people who are just so dedicated, not just to the practice, had seen the results in their lives, but had sort of committed to these lives of service. Like, a lot of them are, like, you know, meditation teachers who, they don't get paid anything.
19. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right.
20. YPYung Pueblo
  They just do it out of free will, out of, out of wanting to support another person and becoming happier.
15:15 – 16:24
What silent retreats build: equanimity, compassion, and less intense reactions
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  What, what's the goal of a silent retreat? 'Cause I will not be going on one.
2. YPYung Pueblo
  [laughs]
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  But I do wanna know what one achieves when going on one.
4. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah. I think the, the goal is greater equanimity and greater compassion. So equanimity is a, is sort of a, a different way of saying non-reaction. It's balance of mind so that you're not craving anything, you're not having any aversion. You're just observing reality clearly. During the retreat, what that looks like practically on the outside is that life will still happen. Like, life will still be challenging.
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
6. YPYung Pueblo
  Uncontrollable things will happen, but you'll recognize that the intensity of your reactions are decreasing. Like, you f- you-
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  The intensity of them
8. YPYung Pueblo
  ... the intensity of the reactions.
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  Less dynamic.
10. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
12. YPYung Pueblo
  It feels like you still will feel anger or sorrow or sadness-
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm
14. YPYung Pueblo
  ... but it's not as overwhelming as before. It's not governing your actions. It's not necessarily impulsive, and it's not, like, lasting forever. You feel it, but you have this great opportunity to be more intentional. 'Cause you're allowing space for the emotions-
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  Okay
16. YPYung Pueblo
  ... to be there, and you're saying, "Okay, I feel this, but now let me choose something skillful."
16:24 – 20:46
Re-entering the world: speaking again, anxiety relief on stage, and social media’s pull
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  Oh. Okay, so I have to imagine-
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... that when you go 60 days, two months-
4. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... of not speaking-
6. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... not seeing... I mean, do you see other humans in this thing?
8. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah, like the-
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  But you just don't talk
10. YPYung Pueblo
  ... divide the men and women. The men are on one side of the meditation center.
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm.
12. YPYung Pueblo
  No one's talking to each other, and, um, no one's making eye contact.
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  Do they just show, like, hand signals to, like... You have to communicate somehow, right? You know what I'm saying?
14. YPYung Pueblo
  So we all, we all have our own individual rooms.
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
16. YPYung Pueblo
  Like, these simple, simple little ro- W- this is, this retreat was also in India. So we're in the simple rooms. Everyone has a bathroom in their room.
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  Uh-huh.
18. YPYung Pueblo
  So there is very, like, no need for communicating. Yeah. Even in the lunch line, like, we get in line. Everyone just takes their time. Yeah.
19. JFJefferson Fisher
  And ex- except that person who's smacking.
20. YPYung Pueblo
  [laughs]
21. JFJefferson Fisher
  Like, yeah, I, I hear that. Um-
22. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
23. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... wow, okay. So I have to imagine that when you get through with this-
24. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
25. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... and then it's their transition, because it has to be such a mental detox, like, a reality-
26. YPYung Pueblo
  Huge, man. Yeah
27. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... detox of, like-
28. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
29. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... I'm, I'm, no screens, no rush, no-
30. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
20:46 – 22:39
How much to meditate—and why any cultivation practice matters
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  Um, I was gonna ask you, how often should we be meditating a day?
2. YPYung Pueblo
  I mean, it depends person per person. You know, I, I've learned over time that what works really well for me, it may not necessarily work well for you. Like-
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Give me an average.
4. YPYung Pueblo
  So I meditate two hours a day.
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  Okay.
6. YPYung Pueblo
  Um, every day. I meditated an hour before we came here for our chat.
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm.
8. YPYung Pueblo
  Um, and I've been doing that since 2015, but I, what I've learned is that it's good for people to have a tool. It's good for people to have some way of challenging themselves without overwhelming themselves. For some people, that's meditation. It's meditating five minutes a day, 20 minutes a day. For other people, it's seeing a really good therapist.
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm.
10. YPYung Pueblo
  For other people, it's, like, taking their spirituality and their relationship with Christ very serious.
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm.
12. YPYung Pueblo
  You know? So it just, it looks different for all of us. Some people, it's something as simple as journaling.
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
14. YPYung Pueblo
  So for me, it's like you had, you have to have something, some way of cultivating yourself. Like, to me, that, that's what's important, and that each day you are intentional about the choices that you make, and you try to choose compassion for yourself and compassion for others. Then-
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right
16. YPYung Pueblo
  ... that's a great thing.
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  One of the w- w- one of my favorite definitions I've come across for meditation is a moment of being quiet to listen to God.
18. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm.
19. JFJefferson Fisher
  And whether that's through prayer, that's through people who garden.
20. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm.
21. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right? Um, or do something outside, or they go get some sunshine, or they have that one, like, routine, or if it's just sitting in, in silence of just the, the presence of listening.
22. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm.
23. JFJefferson Fisher
  And I am, I'm curious because you meditate a lot more than I do, my friend.
24. YPYung Pueblo
  [laughs]
25. JFJefferson Fisher
  Um, when it comes to communication-
26. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
22:39 – 29:38
Preparing for hard conversations: breath, balance, and reflecting on change
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... what are the benefits of meditating before a conversation?
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Oh, it's really good, especially if it's a hard conversation. I spoke to this person who was asking me for advice where they have a very challenging relationship with their father, and he was like, "You know, I just get swallowed into my reactions. I just get sucked into, like, this defensive posture with him." And I told him, I'm like, "Before you go into it, like, sit down. Be aware of your breath. Like, even if it's five minutes, just tap back into that inner balance so that you're walking into the room with that balance as opposed to without anything." And I think for me, if I go into, like, a hard conversation, hard negotiation-
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm
4. YPYung Pueblo
  ... uh, or I know I'm walking into a challenging room, like, I, I tap back in to what's happening inside 'cause that reaffirms, rebuilds my equanimity, uh, my sense of balance, my sense of non-reaction so that I can feel the truth of my body and choose to stay in my own energy as opposed to just adopting the energy of another person, 'cause that's what we forget-
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah
6. YPYung Pueblo
  ... right? Is that every emotion is an invitation. So-
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right
8. YPYung Pueblo
  ... if someone is trying to invite me into their chaos, like, it's really easy to get sucked into it, but my- Personal goal is to choose my own peace.
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right.
10. YPYung Pueblo
  And still, I can deal with you. Peace is not weakness.
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Sure.
12. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  I, um, I wanna make y- I wanna paint, 'cause I d- I don't often get to talk to somebody who has gone through some silent retreats-
14. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... and meditates as often as you do.
16. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  So this is a, this is awesome for, for somebody [chuckles] like me. Um, I wanna paint something practical that people can use. So before they go into a hard conversation-
18. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
19. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... 'cause there's somebody listening who says like, "I am so nervous about-"
20. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
21. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... "this conversation that I have coming up." And everybody knows who it is, and you have it at the top of your mind. If you're afraid of the word meditate, I want you to hear what Diego's saying in that it doesn't mean that you have to set a palette on the floor and-
22. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
23. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... cross your legs and, uh, have incense. That's not what that is.
24. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm, yeah.
25. JFJefferson Fisher
  It's, it's-
26. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
27. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... it's something as simple as finding a quiet moment to yourself, whether it's in the car or some other place.
28. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm.
29. JFJefferson Fisher
  Um, and how do they walk them through it? What do they do next?
30. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah, I think, you know, and this is, th- and what I'm gonna give you, it's not even a meditation. It's more of a mindset.
29:38 – 34:16
Reflecting questions and a healthier mindset: goals, looseness, positivity, and learning
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  ourself when we are reflecting and meditating on a conversation that's to come?
2. YPYung Pueblo
  Oh, I think, um, you want to, one, ask yourself, like, what's the goal, right?
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
4. YPYung Pueblo
  Like, what, what, what's the outcome that you would, your ideal outcome? And then, like, see how attached you are to that because you're actually gonna perform better if you let go a little bit.
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
6. YPYung Pueblo
  If you're, like, a little l- looser, a little calmer walking in there, a little more limber. Um, and then try your best to To put some positivity on it.
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm.
8. YPYung Pueblo
  I think oftentimes, like, that's one of the things that, um, has really helped me. Even, like, you know, on the car on the way here, I'm like, "Oh, this conversation's gonna go great."
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
10. YPYung Pueblo
  It hasn't even happened yet.
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right.
12. YPYung Pueblo
  I'm like, "It's gonna go great."
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah, yeah.
14. YPYung Pueblo
  And just, like, going in with that positivity where I'm, I'm not trying to delude myself in any way, but I'm also, like, a little bit of positive energy isn't gonna hurt you.
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  No.
16. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  Can I share with you something that I've found myself asking before big talks that I've had?
18. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah, please.
19. JFJefferson Fisher
  It's a question of, what am I protecting myself from-
20. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
21. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... by proving to myself that this won't work?
22. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah.
23. JFJefferson Fisher
  Like, I will often sometimes catch myself thinking of like, "Ah, that's not gonna work," when really I'm having that thought because I'm trying to protect myself from-
24. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
25. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... from something. And so when I can ask these big questions of, what would it look like, what would it take, um, what needs to happen-
26. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
27. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... for me to come out of this more positive than I came into it? Or-
28. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
29. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... what if I changed the definition of the word helpful or the-
30. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
34:16 – 57:03
Presence deepens relationships: self-awareness, surrender, attachment, and relationship signals
1. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yung Pueblo, Journey: The Year That Changes Everything. 365 Daily Reflections to Build Self-Awareness and Inner Peace. Man, I, um, I dog-eared several of these. Um, this is the first one that I love. Um, you didn't know I did this, but I'm gonna show you.
2. YPYung Pueblo
  [laughs]
3. JFJefferson Fisher
  Um, this one is, "Presence is the root of connection. Building your self-awareness directly supports your ability to be present with others." I love this one because we think self-awareness just means it's to only improve me-
4. YPYung Pueblo
  Oh, yeah
5. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... when self-awareness is truly so much about everybody else.
6. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm. I, I learned that very indirectly when, when I went to my first silent 10-day retreat. I went in, went in there to like help myself-
7. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm
8. YPYung Pueblo
  ... 'cause I, I hadn't f- yet found anything that was making the mind any lighter. Like, I just felt like I was walking around with this like really heavy mind for so much of my life. And so I go in there to, to help myself. When I come out, I immediately notice that I can see my wife a little more clearly.
9. JFJefferson Fisher
  Oh.
10. YPYung Pueblo
  And I can see-
11. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah
12. YPYung Pueblo
  ... and I can pay attention more to her words without like thinking about what I'm gonna say next. And there's like a new space in my mind in terms of like what is possible, right? I don't have to repeat the same things or make the same actions.
13. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm-hmm.
14. YPYung Pueblo
  And there's this new patience there. So as soon as I started cultivating my self-awareness, what it looked like was that it opened up whole new doors in my relationship with her, with my relationship with my parents, with my friends.
15. JFJefferson Fisher
  Yeah.
16. YPYung Pueblo
  And it just deepened everything. Because I could go deeper in myself, I was able to have this new resilience, this new presence to, you know, let's, let's really be vulnerable together.
17. JFJefferson Fisher
  I, uh, I wanna do one more 'cause I just like these. "There is a common misconception that inner peace is a state of bliss where you are coated in the sensation of pleasure and never experience any troubles or hard feelings. That is far from the truth. The vast majority of life is a long series of uncontrollable events, which means that things will eventually happen that are [chuckles] not to your liking. Even though difficult times come in waves, you can prepare your mind to handle better... Oh, you can prepare your mind to better handle the ups and downs by cultivating inner balance through acceptance." What I loved about it is inner peace is l- less about this, like, euphoria of-
18. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm
19. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... awe.
20. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm.
21. JFJefferson Fisher
  And really more of a surrender.
22. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah. Yeah, surrender is a beautiful way to say, to just accept. Like, oftentimes we are creating stress inside of ourselves because we really dislike that the image that we have in our mind of what is ideal is not being played out right in front of us. And instead, inner peace becomes an opening when you just accept, "Okay, this is not how I wanted things to go, but I'm gonna work with it. Let's see what we can make happen."
23. JFJefferson Fisher
  Mm. I d- I f- I find that when we talk about inner peace, it's definitely this state of you have everything perfect-
24. YPYung Pueblo
  Mm-hmm
25. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... in your life. You know, you've got the little sand with the rake thing at your desk, and you have all... Like, everything's perfect.
26. YPYung Pueblo
  [laughs]
27. JFJefferson Fisher
  Right? Um, and I think you put it beautifully of we try to self-optimize everything-
28. YPYung Pueblo
  Yeah
29. JFJefferson Fisher
  ... in our life, except what's r- right in here.
30. YPYung Pueblo
  Right.

Episode duration: 57:04

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The biggest lie about inner peace: trying to arrange the outside to feel good inside

Choosing peace amid the uncontrollable (and noticing anxiety through small cues)

Building self-awareness by tracking emotions and identifying patterns

How the past filters the present and hardens reactive habits

Defining meditation as seeing reality clearly (and the qualities it trains)

Daily meditation as mental upkeep that improves communication and perspective-taking

Resilience through experience: accepting change and worrying less

Inside silent retreats: 10-day training, 60-day silence, and learning impermanence

What silent retreats build: equanimity, compassion, and less intense reactions

Re-entering the world: speaking again, anxiety relief on stage, and social media’s pull

How much to meditate—and why any cultivation practice matters

Preparing for hard conversations: breath, balance, and reflecting on change

Reflecting questions and a healthier mindset: goals, looseness, positivity, and learning

Presence deepens relationships: self-awareness, surrender, attachment, and relationship signals

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